Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

So Malleus had gone into the new semester with that very intent.

Explore his feelings for Yuu, he meant. The shadow of loneliness had followed him ever since he was born. With Yuu, he could explore the joy of companionship- but then, a few other things had happened.

Lilia had discussed retiring. Silver had shed a few tears. Sebek got to learn a lot about his own family, when Malleus overblotted in the middle of a party.

He got a lot more personal with the student body than he ever intended to, in their dream worlds and in his, and after revealing his greatest insecurities and airing family secrets out to the farthest corners of the world, his retainers so helpfully drove a sword into his heart and began his long road to recovery.

After discovering his alleged father’s master plan, as well as his mother’s not-so-final resting place, he was abruptly arrested, as he had done enough damage to the school and the students to be considered criminal. So, after getting released by STYX into the custody of the school while he waited for an attendant to pick him up, Sebek kept him aware of the progress everyone was making towards figuring out the mystery behind the mirror.

He had been doing nothing but thinking with the best of intentions, but as his therapist had informed him, it was his actions that were causing him problems.

In all of that, ascertaining Yuu’s feelings towards him, and planning out a way to show his affection, had fallen by the wayside.

But now he was back. The school had its breath held, counting down the days until the student body was ready to take action and storm the staff offices, demanding answers, and Malleus was steadily making progress with the general public’s image of him.

His overblot had finally set him free. No longer was he the mystifying, terror-inducing prince of darkness, but a very tall person who had some feelings and liked the color black, qualitiesthat had made him surprisingly approachable.

Yuu and Malleus weren’t any closer than when he overblotted, but they had been pretty close already. Still, Malleus could sense they were keeping him at arm’s length, and he craved so badly to break past their shell as he was doing with everyone else.

For the first time in a long while, he felt hopeful. He still didn’t know exactly how Yuu felt, but Malleus could not imagine they would have a negative response. All he had to do was show Yuu he was making real progress, and they’d rush to his side.

Moonbeams danced across the floor as he ruminated on the events of the past few weeks.

Currently, he was in the Diasomnia linen closet, squeezed between a box and a folded-up duvet. He had found this little nook last year, refreshing the towels in his room, and the small space filled with plush blankets had called to him.

As a child, he had often liked to wedge himself in cracks and corridors. Something about the pressure, the feeling of walls on three sides of his body, was comforting to him.

Eventually, though, he had grown larger, and he had been lectured thoroughly on the duties of a king. It was not enough to portray good manners and elegance. He had to breathe these things and make them come off as natural, which meant no more jamming himself between his dresser and the wall.

He had resisted the urge whenever it had come up, feeling stronger for dismissing such insignificant feelings, but tonight he could not resist. Malleus could not help but feel a small prick of guilt and shame at falling prey to his irrationality, but this shame was overwhelmed with a feeling of relief.

With a sigh, he leaned his head against the wall. Malleus was so tired of working on himself. He hated therapy, and he was sorry to say it, but he didn’t much like his therapist, either. Malleus was not blindly discriminate towards humans, making an effort every day to learn about them as individuals and overcome his biases, but he couldn’t help feeling that his therapist’s human status had left her ignorant of the intricacies of fae culture.

She meant well. But it felt as if he were forcing something inedible down his throat.

Malleus recalled something she had said to him today and rolled his eyes. For the sake of the Seven, she had told him to disregard his title as a way to connect with people more.

The crown was as much him as he was the crown. It was not something to be thrown away without regard, but a privilege, and he had to respect the effort exerted to allow him to retain his title. It felt revolting to treat his mother’s sacrifice so callously.

He had been agitated after his session, and that energy had carried over well into the evening. Malleus had spent an hour pacing, rearranging his bed, and reading before finally conceding to the memory of the linen closet.

The closet was a bit dusty, but it carried the scent of people even through repeated washes and long-term storage. It felt like how sitting in the drawing room on a rainy day felt, or like that one time he hadn’t gotten enough sleep and had closed his eyes during a lecture, and he had floated between dreams and reality for a blissful 20 minutes.

It was currently 3 in the morning, making it imperative that he slept soon. His body was exhausted, but his mind felt perfectly content staying awake. These conflicting states he was in made for a truly unpleasant cocktail, and hoped sitting here for a while would relax his racing mind.

Looking out the window, he thought it might be nice if it was raining. In his opinion, there were few things better than a midnight storm, or waking up to a nice drizzle and an overcast sky. He could make it so, and the familiar tug of magic pulled deep within.

But in truth, he could not. One of the conditions of his restrictive probation was to cease using magic on such large scales, and to limit his magic use at all. The doctors had recommended something similar so he did not overextend himself, and despite his high magical reserves, he was inclined to follow their directives.

The thought of more magic burning through him made him wince. Malleus had thrown out so much magic for so long during his overblot, and the memory of that pain was still so fresh. More htan anything, he was tired of being in pain.

He let the flame within him extinguish itself. Malleus repositioned his head against the wall to relieve his jaw, which had been giving him trouble lately, and tried to close his eyes, imagining the sound of raindrops on glass.

The brick felt warm.

Malleus had recently been let out of his last class of this long day, which happened to be PE today. Normally, he simply teleported away after class was done, but he had noticed the sun shining on the rough bricks and wondered to himself about how it felt.

As everyone else dispersed, most of the students heading back inside, he discreetly made his way toward the brick wall.

The abrasive texture of the bricks would likely catch on his skin in a pleasant way, and they’d be a nice temperature, as they’d beenfacing the sun for a while.

This was the logic running through his mind as he plastered his cheek to the wall, and it was just as heavenly as he had theorized. The small imperfections in the clay bricks felt like a coarse sponge, scrubbing at him nicely, and the bricks had indeed stored the energy of the sun.

He felt as though he could lay there forever, and he closed his eyes.

Malleus wasn’t sleeping, but his body and mind felt more relaxed than it had in a while.

It had been hard to slow down after his overblot. So many things had happened, he felt like he was still trying to put himself back together.

Even when he slept, he couldn’t rest. The grogginess normal to waking up followed Malleus throughout every day, no matter how long he shut his eyes. As he lay here, he felt tension he didn’t know he even had release, and he wondered if any of the roofs had some brick he could lay on top of and nap.

“Malleus?”

He opened his eyes to see the very person he’d been chasing. Yuu, hands on their hips, was looking at them with an inquisitive look on their face, and Malleus felt as though everything was in place..

“Yuu,” he said, slightly muffled by the brick wall he was still pressed up against. “Hello.”

“Hi…” said Yuu. “You listening to the wall?”

“Ah, no. I-” Feeling caught in a trap, he found the need to be slightly more impressive to Yuu than merely taking a wall nap. Malleus put his hands on the wall and pushed off. “-am merely exercising.”

After a moment, they said, “Uh, what?” Yuu did not sound convinced.

“Yes,” he said, trying to sound mildly indignant. “This is what I am doing right now.” He tossed his hair back a little, sweat beading on his brow, and he popped his elbows out. “As you may notice.”

Yuu’s head tilted down just the slightest bit as their eyes flicked between his arms and his face. Malleus felt a rush of emotion swirl in his stomach, wondering if they were taking in his form.

They didn’t say anything, but Yuu looked at him quite intently for a few moments.

“What is it?” he asked, turning his nose up just a bit. “Do you wish to join me?.”

“No, no, I’ll leave you to it,” they said, “but are you really feeling anything at this angle?”

He was nearly perfectly parallel to the wall, and so Malleus stepped back a bit to sharpen his angle. “Of course, I was merely warming up. Now I will commence with the next part of my workout.” He refocused his efforts and did more pushups. “You are welcome to watch, of course,” said Malleus, trying to keep his voice light, “but otherwise I will be here. Feel free to leave.”

For a moment, his nails scratched against the brick, and he felt his heart lurch. He had said Yuu could leave, to throw them off of what he was doing, but he didn’t actually want them to leave. What he wanted was for them to stay and watch him.

He went through the motions of another pushup, digging his nails into the brick, hearing the minute scraping. Yuu shifted, and Malleus was struck with the urge to reach out and grab them before they could flee.

“If you’re certain,” said Yuu, turning away. “Have it your way.” Their tone of voice said they were amused, but Malleus was not.

He watched them walk away as bile rose in his throat. This was not the intended outcome of this situation. His nails dug further into the brick, beginning to leave little cracks as he tried to calm his racing mind.

Malleus couldn’t comprehend why Yuu was leaving him. As soon as that thought came into his head, he realized how ridiculous that thought was. Yuu wasn’t leaving him, they were just going somewhere else.

So why couldn’t he help but feel abandoned?

Yuu was becoming a smaller and smaller figure in the distance. If he teleported, he could catch up.

But that felt like an imposition, and so, he helplessly watched them go.

This was ridiculous. What was he doing? Napping on a wall? He looked absurd.

Swallowing down anger, he teleported home.

Hours later, he fantasized about that wall.

Malleus was staring up at the ceiling, hands folded neatly on his chest, as he lay in bed. There was not a wrinkle on his sheets as he remembered the soothing feel of the bricks on his skin.

There were no sounds. Even his keen hearing heard little more than the distant ruffle of leaves. Perhaps a midnight snack, but he wasn’t hungry. He was not thirsty as well.

His sheets were very soft. They were black silk, straight from the castle, and of the same kind he used for his bed at home. He had more than usual to wrap himself up in, as Sebek had insisted that only king-sized sheets were fit for a king, despite the fact that dorm head rooms only had full mattresses.

Black silk was the epitome of luxury in the Briar Valley. When he tossed and turned, however, Malleus could not help feeling like he was treading water, drowning in a deep, black ocean.

Sighing in defeat, he removed his sheets and stood up to rearrange the trinkets on his shelves.

He took all of his pens and notebooks and dumped them onto his desk, and then did the same with the candles he had strewn across his room.

This thought had been nagging the back of his mind for some time now. Polishing this and reorganizing that would fix something. Malleus decided to clean out the cupholders the pens were in, and he tipped the cups over to run under the sink.

He flicked on the sink and washed out the first cup, and then pulled out a towel he wasn't using from the small linen closet.

Dorm leaders had their own bathrooms, because they had their own rooms automatically. He had been excited to earn his own place, feeling happy that something had not been handed to him solely because of his title.

Malleus had regretted it almost immediately.

When he had first moved into the room, all he felt was a sense of dread as it sunk in that he’d be all alone. People had tended to avoid him already in his first two years, but at least his dorm mates had made occasionally small talk with him in their shared quarters.

Initially, he had shaken off the feeling, chalking it up to nerves. But his first night had solidified that, as the black shadows morphed along the walls, there was no one else here, and he’d done this to himself.

It’d been expected of him to become dorm leader. His grandmother had articulated as much. But he had a fleeting thought that he should have considered the full implications of that, and then perhaps made some sort of appeal.

It felt just like being back home.

When he went into common areas, he could usually hear the soft noises of light all around him. Even if he couldn’t see anyone, there was usually someone walking in the hallways, chatting behind a corner, doing homework on a chair. But he couldn’t hear any of that in his room.

He finished rinsing out the cup and returned to his room to grab the next one. Malleus did not have an excess of cups, but he did have a lot of pens, mostly fountain pens he had been gifted and then hadn’t known what to do with.

No one would approach him outside of his retainers, unless someone had a question they felt only he could answer, but would still occasionally sit in areas of heavy foot traffic to feel like he was at the center of activity.

As he ran the second cup under the water, he thought about how he couldn’t do that right now. He’d likely be accosted with Sebek’s pleas, a pedestal in his eyes he could no longer meet, or Silver might appear only to be surprised by his presence and leave, and he didn’t want to stop Silver from going somewhere just because he was there.

He went back into his room and placed his pens in their cup holders again and stacked his journals with his nonfiction books, sorting his fiction into a separate pile.

His gargoyles were already positioned perfectly, as he had organized them last night, and he placed his stuff around them on the shelves.

Taking a step back, he looked at his arrangement and nodded, satisfied at his design.

No. That wasn’t true.

The pens and books looked better, but something else was missing. He looked around the room.

It looked wrong.

Looking at the space in front of his window, Malleus wondered if his bed was able to be moved.

“And with that, you all should just keep making progress on your sculptures!” said Yuu excitedly. “We’ll do check-ins next week, so make sure you’ve decided on the direction of your progress.”

As Malleus had been absent for some time, Yuu had taken some of the more critical duties of Gargoyle Club’s head. Another thing he had let fall by the wayside, but Yuu, upon his return, had insisted they didn’t mind.

It had been decided Yuu would keep on doing what they were doing, to allow Malleus more time to transition back into his role. And so, they were presenting at the front of the classroom today..

Malleus nodded along with the crowd as he ate the tray of brownies Yuu had made for the club. They were excellent, slightly crisp on the outside and perfectly warm, thick an gooey on the inside.

He was about halfway done with the tray already, having eaten quite quickly. His hunger lately had fluctuated quite a bit, but he felt voracious for these sweet treats, knowing on some level it was because Yuu’s hand had graced them.

It was imperative that he finish in a timely fashion so no one else would get any when Sebek asked, “Are those all of the brownies, your Majesty?”

“Wow, You really liked ‘em, huh, Malleus?” asked Yuu.

He swallowed his bite of food. “Indeed. They are an exquisite dessert, and I compliment your efforts.”

“Aw, you’ll make me blush,” said Yuu bashfully.

“I only wish I had gotten to try some myself!” said Sebek.

“Oh, don’t worry.” said Yuu. From some pocket dimension, they produced a second tray, covered in shiny foil. “That tray’s for Malleus. I made another one for the rest of us.”

Malleus stopped chewing.

The brownies were good, but they were quite rich and heavy. He was already feeling full from what he had eaten so far, and any warm sentiments from Yuu having already set aside a tray for him were washed away by the feeling that other people would now get to try Yuu’s treats.

“You are too thoughtful, Yuu! I only regret not thinking of bringing his Highness something to eat myself.” Sebek took a bite of a brownie. “Mmmm! And your culinary skills prove fruitful once again.”

“Haha, thanks Sebek. And yeah, I just didn’t want us to run out so soon like the last two weeks.”

Marshmallow bars and macarons, respectively. The first week, he had grazed on the macarons before he had noticed other people taking them as well, and the sight had filled him with no small amount of irritation. The second, only two marshmallow bars had managed to escape him- one to Yuu, who, of course, should be allowed to eat, and the other to Sebek.

Sebek seemed to like it. For some reason, Malleus had not liked that.

Two of the other club members reached into the tray to take brownies, and Malleus frowned. He finished his brownie and took another, taking a big bite.

Yuu was smiling, glowing under everyone’s praise. He could feel everyone else shining brighter in their presence, but his stomach couldn’t help but churn.

That could have been the tray of brownies, though.

He magiced a twinge in his jaw away as he ate, feeling awfully relegated to his fate and uncomfortable with how close Yuu and Sebek were standing. If he had not set himself to eat the brownies, he might be standing with Yuu at this moment, but then, there would be more brownies circulating.

Malleus didn’t like this at all.

“A most fruitful gathering, was it not, your Majesty?” asked Sebek. His retainer was just short of skipping with joy. Despite his efforts, Malleus could not ascertain as to why specifically.

The atmosphere? The snacks? Yuu themselves? The uncertainty made him uneasy.

“Yes, I would agree,” replied Malleus, trying to project an air of calmness.

Sebek could not always be at Malleus’s side, no matter how much he wanted to. He’d been despondent when Malleus had informed him that he preferred to bathe himself, and since he hadn’t ever been ill while Sebek was around, he’d never had the opportunity to nurse Malleus back to health.

As they walked side-by-side, Malleus took a moment to really look at Sebek. What did Yuu see in him? His loud-mouthed nature tended to be too abrasive for most, but he had managed to find a friend group here anyway, mostly through Yuu and Silver.

Resentment shot through him. Even Sebek, caustic and curt, had been able to make friends of all sorts. Perhaps he and Yuu would remain friends even after NRC, exchanging letters and text messages and memories and feelings. Yuu had managed to win him over, or Sebek had managed to win over Yuu. One or the other, Sebek had acquired what Malleus desperately wanted, without so much as breaking a sweat.

After three years, Malleus had yet to find a similar friend group. Until a few months ago, he hadn’t even found a friend. But whatever magical quality Sebek had that he did not, it made him a better companion than Malleus.

Sebek was still chatting away, something or other about how Yuu had led the meeting effectively, and Malleus wondered what he spoke about to them. Did he espouse Malleus’s virtues, as Sebek liked to do with him? He seemed to think highly of Yuu.

How highly?

Malleus acutely remembered the day he realized Sebek and Yuu were much closer than he had believed, and they seemed even closer now, after his overblot. Had that event pushed them together? Had Sebek confided in Yuu of his stresses? Had Yuu been pushed into Sebek’s arms over the whole ordeal?

Sebek didn’t see him and Yuu similarly. He seemed more comfortable and less guarded around them, relaxing minutely in their presence. With Malleus, he was always on his best behavior, poised like a cat, but Sebek would have never allowed himself to indulge around Malleus had Yuu not been influencing him.

He knew, of course, that he would be Sebek’s sovereign one day- but would their relationship never be closer? Would he never allow himself true happiness around Malleus?

Sebek touched Yuu. He had seen Yuu shoulder-bump him before in a crowd, take his phone to look at something, whisper in his ear some detail. Sebek had never seemed to shy away.

How had Yuu done it? How had they broken down his barriers?

As Sebek spoke, Malleus reached out his arm to wrap around Sebek’s shoulders.

Sebek jerked away, voice jumping. “Y-your Majesty?!” he exclaimed.

Malleus froze, arm in the air, shocked at how aggressively Sebek had jolted away.

“Are you alright? Is there something you need?” asked Sebek.

Of course. For Malleus, Sebek fled.

“It would be improper for a future king to be seen holding his retainer! I would NEVER wish to put you in such a position!” Sebek panicked.

Improper. He felt sick at the word. What he did was improper. He was improper.

His feelings were improper.

The rejection cut into him, deeply. His arm felt as though it were in pain, as if icicles were being driven into his flesh. He thought that more contact could help alleviate his pain, but of course, that was improper.

There was no room for impropriety for a king. This was his curse, as he had so intimately learned, and he would bear it until the moment he died.

A walking corpse. Perhaps that is why no one would touch him, smelling that aura of death on him. Not for the first time, Malleus wished the Senate would simply string his body up and make it dance exactly as they wished.

He curled his fingers into his hand and his arm into his side. Turning away from Sebek, he marched on forward, swallowing down hurt feelings and heartache.

“My liege! What’s wrong? What did I do?” Sebek had to jog to catch up to him, Malleus barely noticing in his anger.

It was hardly fair to blame him, a part of Malleus said logically. Sebek would take it especially hard, but Malleus’s feelings consumed him.

The sentiment gnawed at his heart, and his jaw clenched. Arguably his most loyal subject would not even touch him, and of course, it was because he thought himself beneath Malleus.

Malleus felt pure hatred. He wasn’t sure at who.

He felt a small pop on his jaw and winced. He must have been clenching too hard.

With a wave of his hand, he vanished the pain in his jaw as he stalked down the hall, hands shaking, desperate to fill the hole in his heart.

When they finally got home, Malleus did not bother to greet Lilia or Silver, instead heading straight to his room.

He had grit out that he was fine to Sebek, to stop his frantic worry, and they had walked the rest of the way in silence.

How could he not even soothe the person who would have taken his word as prophecy? Truly, Malleus had fallen far.

While he could have teleported home, he had hoped the walk would clear his mind, or at least, the cool air would refresh his feverish skin. Neither happened, however, and he shut the door to his room before sliding down onto the floor.

His body wouldn’t settle, his heart beating frenetically. Malleus felt incredibly exposed on all ends, like a live wire, but he couldn’t curl up under the sheets like he so desired, as he had to go eat dinner with Lilia.

Or, well, ‘eat dinner’. Malleus could not think of anything he desired less than food right now, but nevertheless he had to go to the cafeteria to keep up appearances so people would stop asking if he was feeling better.

It was important to make these public shows of strength, to stave off questions about his health, physical and mental. Malleus hoped that if he could just project an image of rest and recovery for long enough, that would give him sufficient time to actually feel that way, without the pressure of everyone waiting for him to fall.

He heard a sharp knock at the door. “Malleus!” It was Lilia. “Are you ready to go?”

Malleus clenched his jaw again, but tried to relax it, remembering the pop he had felt earlier, not wanting to aggravate whatever that was. He felt years away from being ready, but this was the duty of a king.

Swallowing, he straightened his back and said, “Yes, coming,” despite the fact that all he wanted to do was run and hide beneath something.

He opened the door to see Lilia, waiting. They made their way to the cafeteria, in a similar silence as to the one he’d shared with Sebek shortly before this.

Neither Sebek nor Silver were here to walk with them. Sebek had either already left for the cafeteria or was avoiding him, and Silver was definitely avoiding him.

Lilia seemed nonchalant himself, softly whistling into the night air. Malleus could only feel overwhelming guilt, at making Lilia have to put up such a front.

Eventually, they were at the cafeteria. Upon his entrance, the room quieted minutely as a few people glanced at him, but the majority kept going about their activities.

It was a marked improvement from a mere two weeks back, when he’d first returned, when the whole dining room had gone silent. It shocked him, the level of fear that he’d felt in that moment. He thought he’d known fear, but for the first time, he felt truly like prey.

Calmly, or at least as calmly as Malleus could act, he and Lilia made their way to the dinner line. Malleus chewed on his lip as they made their way through the line, jaw flaring up again.

How troublesome. His magical strength and physical condition usually allowed him to heal quickly. He reached up to massage his jaw, but had to rip his hand away immediately.

The pain was hot, and massaging it had made it worse. Instead, he lay his fingertips on his skin for a moment, leeching their coolness, before letting his magic take the edge off.

Even now, he was reliant on it.

Malleus plucked a tray from a stack and slid it along the rails, getting used to not pushing it with magic, and inspected the spread of food.

For the prepackaged stuff, there were brownies stacked in a bowl, bread of all flavors on a plate, a few sandwich triangles that looked a bit lifeless, and a pyramid of soda cans. The hot bar had rice, beans, a variety of chopped vegetables, and ground beef, leading up to a big dish of chips at the beginning.

Malleus swallowed. Chips could not have sounded more threatening in this moment. They were sharp, ready to dig themselves into soft crevices, and if attacked, they would only break into smaller, more vicious pieces.

He swallowed again. Malleus’s face felt a bit sticky. He felt hot and cold at the same time, his cheeks feeling flushed and body sore. It was indescribable, feeling warm and needing to get warmer, but he didn’t like it.

This spreading wildfire made him want to run and hide underneath something. Malleus wasn’t much for chips usually, but he had never worried about them hurting him.

The ghost saw him looking at them and said, “Here,” before scooping a serving of chips onto his tray.

“Oh no, that’s-” He cut himself off. It would be rude to refuse it now.

Pushing his tray along, he cursed himself. He should have moved quicker.

Despite the fact that he had already eaten an entire tray of brownies and then some, he felt hungry enough that he piled ground beef, beans and other vegetables onto his plate. Malleus had to make a decent enough showing, to reassure everyone he was making progress.

He and LIlia sat down on an empty table only occupied by Sebek and Silver, and Malleus gave his usual discreet look around the room. He’d been doing it ever since he met Yuu, but they did not appear to be here currently. Neither were their candy-colored friends. They must be off doing something else.

“Ah! Your Highness! And Lilia, hello.” Sebek greeted them with a nervous smile. Malleus nodded his head, not feeling like speaking.

Silver had his head bowed over his food, eating quickly. He looked up briefly, making eye contact with Malleus for one brief moment before looking back down.

Malleus had hoped they were making progress, but it was foolish to expect anything.

They sat down, Malleus pushing the food around on his plate. He would let the chips soak up the wetness of everything else before eating them, and as he waited, Malleus took a very small bite of rice.

Sebek’s hands were in his lap, food untouched as he asked, “Are you feeling better, Your Highness?”

Malleus blinked at him. “I, ah, yes, thank you,” he said, trying to put on as strong a front as possible. It wasn’t right for Sebek to be so concerned.

“Hmm? Were you feeling badly?” asked Lilia, sending Malleus on the defensive.

“Just a misunderstanding,” he clarified, wanting to run and hide again. Silver didn’t say anything.

“And you, Silver? How have you been?” said Malleus. He needed to assess how badly he’d scarred him.

Silver looked up again, but looked back down just as quickly again. “Yes,” he said quietly.

Sebek nodded rapidly. “Yes! Silver has been recovering so fast! He’s so resilient!”

Silver quickly excused himself, taking his tray to return it.

“Silver, wait!” exclaimed Sebek as he ran off after him.

Malleus sighed to himself, skin prickling with discomfort. Lilia was watching the pair, slowly eating his own food, as Malleus felt remorse.

His show of his ‘humanity’, as it were, had scared off Silver, causing him an apparent level of undue pain. Lilia had assured Malleus Silver was speaking more to others and was not as closed off as he seemed, but that only made Malleus feel worse, though he knew it was selfish.

He could not tell if Silver was afraid of him now, even though he had always known Malleus was powerful, or if he was revolted by Silver, for being the antithesis of what he was meant to be.

Malleus sank into himself. All he seemed to do was cause people more trouble. It was self-centered of him to focus so much on himself, when clearly, he needed to help others more.

Despite his catastrophic failure to lead, his mind wouldn’t let him go. Several hours after dinner, his day was still going.

Malleus was pacing around his room, feeling raw and vulnerable, abandoned for a reason he could not put his finger on.

The oddest thing was, he wasn’t even tired. He knew he would be in the morning, and in the afternoon, and maybe even in the evening, but he felt perfectly fine right now.

But his mind knew it needed sleep. Paradoxical, as it was the very thing not letting him rest.

He had moved his bed, and then moved it back when the room had felt unbalanced. After that, he had pulled out his top blanket and piled it on his bed in a little swirl. That had helped a bit- but he was still wide awake.

Every detail felt overly sharp. Malleus felt like he’d been awake for too many hours when he saw his coat hanging on the rack.

He didn’t often use his coat at school, as he was not out in the cold frequently. But he had pulled it out a while ago, just in case, and right now, it was looking awfully appealing.

Something about him didn’t like the idea of bringing ‘outside’ clothes into his bed, but he needed to sleep.

Malleus pulled the coat off the rack and held it to his nose. The wool scratched a bit, but he found he liked that, much as he had liked the brick.

There wasn’t much of any scent on it, as only he wore the jacket. But it did have some essence of detergent, and something in the back of Malleus’s mind wanted that.

He laid down, trying to take deep breaths as he pulled his sheets in disarray over himself, and tried to settle down as deeply as possible, hoping to trick his body into settling down.

Something was missing. For the life of him, he could not figure out what, and he held the coat tighter to himself.

His jaw pulsed in pain, once. It had been giving him quite a bit of trouble lately, but he used his magic to make the pain go away, and prayed something would take mercy on him and allow him to sleep.

They had a school assembly today after normal school activities, mostly as a way to raise the morale of the school, and explain a little celebration they would all be having later in the year.

As Trein explained the details, Malleus’s eyes couldn’t help but wander to the first year’s area, eyes aching and body sore again. Just as he’d predicted, he had been excessively tired when he’d woken up this morning, even resorting to using the little bottle of paste in his bathroom mirror to hide the circles under his eyes. Malleus would have been willing to sleep through the lecture, in his new, casual student persona as Leona was willing to do, but a particular student had caught his eye, forcing his tired eyelids open.

Every dorm sat in their own section, but that gave Ramshackle a lot of leeway as to where they went. Yuu usually sat with their friends from Heartslabyul, but this time, they had chosen to sit right next to Sebek, who himself was sitting at the edge of the Diasomnia crowd. Malleus had the perfect vantage point, as third years were seated in the uppermost rows.

He could hardly hear Trein’s prattling over the roar in his ears as Sebek leaned into Yuu for the fiftieth time, the two of them exchanging a quick whisper as they went back to paying attention.

Malleus could not fight his anger, nor could he fight his disgust at his feelings. It was wrong, of course, to feel such hatred upon seeing two of his friends become closer, and he agreed that it was awful, but for reasons unknown to him, every glance they shared made his insides want to revolt.

He watched as Sebek handed Yuu his phone, and Yuu began typing away happily.

Sebek would gladly give up his phone to Malleus if he asked. He was sure Sebek would let him keep it, if he so desired, but this was a level of closeness Malleus was previously unaware the pair shared.

He blinked hard, trying to banish sleep from the corners of his eyes. Malleus had woken up with a throat like broken glass and a low, smoldering fever, but none of these things felt important enough to mention, only bothersome enough to bear.

Of course, he was relegated to the top, forced to watch Sebek trade things like inside jokes and conversation of substance with Yuu, while he burned with fever.

They were eventually dismissed, Malleus trying to keep his eyes on Yuu and Sebek as long as possible. He saw them walk off together. They must share a class.

Of course, they were in the same year, and Malleus was not.

He lost sight of them when he had to go in the opposite direction, and Malleus tried to keep the stormy look off his face as he entered the lecture hall, not wishing to draw more judgment from his fellow students.

There were only about a dozen or so students in this class, most of which he knew quite well. All of them were third-years, having spent many classes prior to this together. This was an advanced magic course, surveying the applications of magic on a variety of careers nowadays, and it was only offered to high-achieving students of NRC.

Malleus had been proud to get into the class, not only as a recognition for his academic success, but as a way to learn more about the weaving of modern life and magic, which so often seemed like two ideals on opposite sides. He recognized that, as the future king, he would have to balance the traditions of his homeland in an effort to protect his people, while facing the increasing pressure of conforming to a rapidly modernizing world, lest his kingdom fall due to his unwillingness to adapt.

But he had also gained a group with this class. Though most of them were still only his acquaintances, he had really felt like he’d been able to connect to his fellow classmates more so than in earlier years.

It helped that he had to see some of these people in group therapy at least once a week.

As usual, he saw Vil and Rook in the front row, Vil nodding along to something Rook was telling him. There was a seat between Leona and another student, Leona’s arms crossed as he looked at the empty chalkboard dully.

Malleus sat down in the front row, giving Vil and Rook some space as he summoned a pencil and a notebook.

A jaw-cracking yawn escaped Malleus’s lips as Trey rushed in, taking the seat next to his. Literally jaw-cracking. He felt a sharp pain in his gums.

Though it hadn’t done much, this class really had helped some people be more comfortable around him, and this became apparent when Trey spoke to him.

“Hey,” said Trey as he pulled out a book from his bag. “Long night?”

“I would say so,” he said, remembering the endless circles he had walked in last night. He tried to massage the pain away, wincing slightly.

Trey looked at him oddly as he placed a mechanical pencil next to the book. “Is it something in your teeth? Have you seen a doctor?”

Before Malleus could reply, Trein swept into the room, Lucifer in hand. “Good afternoon, class. As you know, we’re starting a bit late today because of the assembly, so please forgive my tardiness. Now, we left off at the technological innovations on magic and assistive devices. Leona, can you remember what was the biggest point I emphasized in the last lecture?”

Malleus tried to focus on the lecture, beginning his bullet pointed list of key details to remember. As he had mentioned, this may in fact be very applicable to his future, and he was keeping this journal to possibly reference later.

He could not help but wonder, however, if that future would include Yuu.

As he shut his eyes to focus on the lecture, Malleus ruminated on how he wanted to do well here, not only to try and make up for his humiliating mistake, or even to try and be half of the person everyone believed him to be.

After his overblot, he had felt like such a failure. All his life, Malleus had been raised with lofty ideals, and he had wanted to fulfill those ideals, no matter the cost. But it was dawning on him that the cost would be himself, and he grew more and more reluctant to pay it.

Was that weakness? He at least felt stronger with Yuu.

Leona yawned and began to speak. “Public works projects have been a subject of constant debate, but in the reading this week, we saw how complicated spells can be used to make projects like these more efficient…”

His eyes stung, and Malleus fought sleep as he tried to focus on Leona’s words, not making any progress on his own problems.

Hindsight had made everything clear.

The beastly traits of fae appeared in haphazard fashion, and one of the more common ones was hibernation, as well as all its variants.

Malleus did not hibernate, as it was not a common occurrence among reptiles. Though he was no lizard, he instead brumated during the winter.

At least, he was supposed to, but for some time now his cycle had been getting off track. Brumation tended to hinder productivity, and there were many reptilian fae in the Briar Valley, as well as the mammalian ones who hibernated. As a result, in his homeland, the dead of winter tended to be an extended holiday of reunion and love.

Love for family, love for partners, love for friends- it was all celebrated then, his birthday tending to mark the transition from unproductive to productive winter. Brumating fae in human form had trouble regulating their own body temperature, often craving touch, and so it was common to brumate or hibernate in groups with loved ones.

But of course, there was no such thing for Malleus, because his family was mostly dead.

He was given time off like everyone else, of course, but he never had anyone to spend it with, and it never felt like enough. Two whole weeks were usually awarded specifically for the purpose of the winter sleep, though most people did not need so long. Instead, the two weeks and the weeks surrounding those were intended to catch a majority of the population’s sleeps, as well as allow for the preparation and celebrations to happen.

Butt Malleus was only given two days off, a remnant from the war when such a weakness was so exploitable by the other side, and was expected to work through the rest. Thus, it was on him to ration out the entire week of exhaustion he felt.

He had been told before that it was unusual to need such a long sleep, and when he’d complained of intense discomfort, had been told that was unusual too, with little more than a side glance that implied the doctor thought he was being a bit dramatic.

Perhaps he was being a bit dramatic, he had pressed, but he felt poorly coming out of brumation, not the restorative rest everyone else seemed to report. But it was to no avail.

His grandmother did not brumate with him, being reassured he could do it on his own by Malleus himself.

One year, the week came, and he waited and waited for the intensity to hit. Eventually, he asked for his days off and was given them, but continued to feel as normal as ever.

He slept normally, but didn’t feel particularly worse off, and felt a thrill as he thought that finally, his body had settled down and he was truly feeling what everyone else felt.

Only for it to hit, as strong as ever, the following week.

The doctors had been alerted, of course, and it was a nightmare. His diet was put under a microscope, he was asked endless questions, the servants had to monitor him even more intensely than before, and they poked and prodded him with no regard for his autonomy.

Their clinical examinations felt like a perversion of the touch he craved, and Malleus had never felt less like a living being.

He knew they were there to help him, but when the week of rest had come again next year, he could not speak up and say he was not sleeping, for fear of going through the same process again.

And so it became more and more desynced, until it wasn’t even happening every year. He was hardly brumating every two years, and honestly, it was a relief.

There was no restless sleep, or tossing and turning, or clawing at the door, wanting for company. The Senate would not let him invite just anyone, feeling it improper for non-royals to nest with royals, but that meant nearly no one qualified.

But it made sense. He was tearing up his room, trying to build his nest, searching for a companion, and seeking to feel comfortable in a situation where that was impossible.

He had to hide, especially from the very bright light shining down on him.

“Suction, dear, suction. I can hardly see anything.”

Was he flying? It would make sense, with the sun and all. Some sound he recognized as machine-made was twittering at regular intervals.

“I’m back,” said a voice, as Malleus heard a door open. “I hope I didn’t miss anything.”

“The bleeding’s picked up a bit, and I’d like to ask you to keep an eye on the heart rate monitor. Now, come look at this.”

He couldn’t move very much. It didn’t seem like they had him held down, but he couldn’t feel his limbs

It was all so clear. He needed to brumate. Malleus would return home and hide in the closet for a few days, and then he would confess his feelings to Yuu. Thank the Seven it was spring break.

“Woah. Look at how deep it’s gotten. Is this the worst case you’ve ever seen?”

“Mmm, no, but it is shocking.”

“Yeah you’d think the royal family of dragons’d have better healthcare.”

Malleus was a dragon sometimes.

“I will assume other factors were involved here. Now, take a look at this.”

A gasp. “It’s huge!”

“Makara, a little quieter, please.”

“Sorry. But look at the size of that tooth!”

“Indeed. What do you notice about it?”

“Well, it doesn’t look like a molar. It’s pointed, instead of flat at the top. And it’s sharp.”

“Excellent. I believe this is what’s contributing to the infection getting so bad so quickly, since the sharp ends were probably piercing the blood vessels.”

“I mean, that and the fact that there were 8 teeth in there.”

“That as well. I’m surprised the boy didn’t seek help sooner. 8 is one crowded party. He must have been in pain.”

“Oh, the poor dear,” said a new voice. Malleus knew it was new because it sounded very different, much more high-pitched than the previous two.

He heard the sound of rustling, and realized someone was patting his head.

“8 is… too many, right? Is that what you said?”

“It is quite a few for one go. Ideally, you’d want to only be removing 3 or 4 at maximum in one session. The recovery time will be quite extensive for this many at once, not to mention the infection. This is why regular checkups are important.”

Malleus healed quickly, though, so thankfully, whatever this was, he would recover quickly.

“He didn’t have checkups?”

“He did, but they never took X-rays. I’m not sure they ever thought to, as he is a bit young for this presentation, but I think we’re treating the problem a bit too late. An update in protocol may be necessary for our focus on prevention.”

“Bet they’re gonna start doing that now, huh? Talk about a star client.”

“We aren’t allowed to publicize that fact, Makara.”

“O-oh, of course, I was just kidding. Um,” Someone sniffed, “do you know if this is a big problem for dragons?”

“I don’t.” A machine whirred quite intensely, and the twittering increased in pace. “I haven’t seen enough of them to know for sure. This is my first one, in fact, but we were able to get a family history from Vanrouge. In her lifetime, his mother had more than 20 teeth pulled.”

“Remind me, why is this such a problem for us, honey?”

The whirring was back. “I thought I’d already told you.”

“Well, yes, but I’d like to hear the explanation again.” That voice giggled a bit.

“If you give me a little more suction- actually, Makara, why don’t you explain it?”

There was rumbling again.

“Me? Ok, uh, I know lots of animals can regrow their teeth more than once, right? And they’ve also got a lot of them, but human-sized jaws can’t accommodate all of them, so even when you pull them the first time, you gotta go back again later ‘cuz the body thinks it needs to regrow them.”

“Precisely. Good job.”

Someone giggled again. “I can’t wait for my next checkup.”

Malleus tried to wiggle a little bit, but he found his body mostly unresponsive.

“Hmm? What was that? Dr. Salvator?”

“Oh no, poor dear. He needs more? Haven’t you already given him a lot?”

“Yes ma’am,” said a previously unknown voice. “Before we push any more, we should make sure he’s actually awake, and that it wasn’t a fluke.”

Something creaked. “Prince Malleus?” said the high-pitched voice, as a shadow cast itself over his face. “Honey, are you awake?”

Malleus knew better than to reveal himself to a predator. He shut his eyes and turned himself invisible.

“Oh, his eyelids are fluttering. I think he needs a bit more.”

Curses. He had not been able to hide.

“It’s gonna be ok, dear, don’t worry. What an adorable young man. The Princess would be so pleased to know her son grew up so cute.”

No. He was a scary dragon. All his nursemaids had told him so.

Before he could refute this claim, Malleus drifted off again.

“-before that he’ll need to finish out his antibiotics, but as long as you’re willing to take care of him, he can go home. Should I send word to the palace?”

Malleus blinked awake again to hazy lights hanging overhead. He was sitting down, and he thought he could see the blurry forms of Sebek, Lilia, Silver, and a few other people he didn’t recognize.

“I already have. Thank you, Zigvolt, we are in your debt.”

“Nonsense. This is my job.”

Someone was sniffing very loudly. Malleus didn’t like it, nor did he like being so exposed. Wherever this was, it was awfully cold and very bright. He needed darkness.

He tried to turn his head, but the blurry world swam around him, which is when he noticed his mouth was full of something. It felt like fluff, and it did not taste good.

“He won’t be able to chew, nor drink anything out of a straw. Grind these up over anything like pudding or ice cream, and make sure he cleans out the holes.”

“I understand.”

“We were having trouble figuring out the right dosages. If, a half hour after you give him the medicine, he’s still in a lot of pain, break a pill and give him another half. If he’s still in pain, come back early.”

“I will.”

“Also, we have to give him a lot of anesthesia. He might be a little loopy still, but he’ll sleep it off soon enough.”

It was far past the time to brumate. Malleus knew this in his bones.

“Prince Malleus?” Someone was rubbing his shoulder. “Are you awake? We should call in Sebek, so he can see he’s alright.”

Yuu. He needed Yuu. More than he’d ever needed anything, Yuu could make him whole.

Feeling some of his strength returning, he closed his eyes and teleported.

That would turn out to be a bit of a mistake, as he immediately lost his balance.

Malleus was able to catch himself before smacking on the grass, and decided to just lie down for a minute so the world would stop spinning. As soon as he lay his head down, however, he had to readjust himself, because the ground began attacking his face.

He winced at the sharp pain, and tried to spit out the mouth fluff on the grass, but to no avail. Instead, he lay face-up on the grass and tried to turn off the sun.

It was very uncomfortable. Malleus wished people would stop shining lights in his face, but a quick little nap before he found Yuu would be restorative.

“Malleus?”

That was Yuu. Malleus tried to move his head up to face them, but he couldn’t open his eyes.

“Oh my god, are you ok?” Yuu grabbed onto his arm and tried to help him up.

“Yuu,” he tried to say, but the mouth fluff was impeding his efforts.

“Ooh, yeah, I heard about the surgery. Do you need to go back to Diasomnia? I can call Sebek?”

Sebek. Why did Yuu always want to talk about Sebek? Why didn’t Yuu want to talk about Malleus?

It wasn’t fair. They only wanted to hang out with one other.

Well, no more of that. Malleus reached out his arm until he felt Yuu, and teleported them to his room.

“Wha- hey! Where are we?”

Thankfully, they had landed in his room, though teleporting again so soon had made him dizzy. He wrapped his arms around Yuu and leaned into them, causing them to stumble to the floor a bit.

“M-Malleus-“

The floor was uncomfortable, but Malleus really did not feel like getting up. Just as he’d always believed- Yuu was searingly hot, and the top of their head smelled really good, too.

It was exactly what he’s been looking for, all his life. Yuu really was his missing piece. And now that he had them, he wouldn’t let go.

“Malleus!”

That was him. And now he could finally sleep. Despite the awkward position, he was overwhelmed with the need for rest, and began drifting off.

Suddenly, Yuu gripped his arms very hard. Malleus hadn’t known Yuu was so strong.

“Malleus! Let go of me!”

He tore his eyes open at the command, and after a moment of shock, released Yuu, who stumbled out of his grasp.

They clutched at themselves, taking deep breaths, and Malleus reached out to grab them again, because it was very unpleasant not holding them.

“Don’t touch me!” they yelled, backing up. Malleus retreated, ears hurting from their declaration.

After a few more breaths, Yuu cried out, “What is wrong with you? What are you doing?” Their body shook with heaves.

Malleus blinked. “I was only wanting to hold you,” he tried to say.

Yuu’s brow furrowed, and they sighed. “Do you have a pen? And some paper?”

They looked around his room, but Malleus summoned a pen and a notepad instead. At once, the lines on the paper swirled, and he felt sick.

But Yuu was looking at him expectantly, so he tried to dictate his thoughts as best as he could.

He began writing his original words, but then realized there was more to that. Though it pained him to admit it, he forced himself to write what he actually felt.

I wanted to hold you, and I was jealous of Sebek.

When he presented them the note, Yuu snatched the paper with a ferocious level of anger, and their face darkened as they read what he’d read.

“Why.”

Malleus wanted to sleep. This was not how he wanted to tell Yuu, but he had to.

With a beating heart and trembling hand, he wrote, I love you.

But Yuu didn’t seem pleased by his declaration. The paper crumbled in their hands as they said, “No. That’s not fair. You don’t get to hold that over my head and say that now, of all times!”

Yuu began pacing around the room, hands fisting their arms again. Malleus could see the wrinkles in their jacket, much like the crumples in the paper.

He quickly wrote another note and prompted Yuu to take it. But I do.

“No, you don’t!” they burst out after reading the letter, stamping their foot at him, turning to face him all of a sudden. Malleus could see their eyes glistening just a bit, but he wasn’t sure if that was real or not. “Because if you did, you wouldn’t have done all those things!”

Malleus didn’t understand. He shook his head, or at least he tried, because everything was swirling around him.

His lips were numb, but he tried to mumble out, “I don’t-”

“You led me on for months knowing full well nothing would ever come out of it!”

There was dead silence. Only Yuu’s breaths filled the room now. Their chest was heaving with the exertion of yelling, Malleus looking at them in shock.

Their eyes were huge, and Malleus could see their pupils trembling. He’d never heard them that loud before, not in the entire time they’d known one another. Few people spoke to him this way, another barrier Yuu broke down so effortlessly, hardly anyone feeling they had the authority to yell at him like that.

It was one of the things he liked- loved about Yuu. But the force of their sentiment scared him a little.

If he had been able to speak, he would have been stunned silent. As it were, he didn’t know how to respond to Yuu’s allegations.

He felt the medicine resurge in his veins, spreading like a fog across his brain, and Malleus closed his eyes in dizziness. He summoned the pen and paper again, and tried to write down something. Anything that would make this situation better.

I didn’t lead you on. If I did, I apologize. But I do love you.

Malleus handed them the whole notepad. As they read it, their nose crinkled, and the tears that had been beading up began to fall.

They threw down their hands, notepad slipping out of their grasp onto the floor, and Malleus saw the entirety of Yuu’s tear-streaked face. “Fine. Whatever.” Malleus’s heart felt like it was shrinking hearing the wavering in Yuu’s voiced, and they began to walk out of his room.

No. Before he could think, he reached out to lock his door shut.

“Ugh!” Yuu kicked the door and stalked back to where Malleus was, still sitting on the ground. “Let me out!”

Malleus was already scribbling out a response as fast as he could. Please do not leave. I beg of you, hear me out first. I don’t even understand why you’re mad.

“You don’t understand?” asked Yuu, incandescently gripping the notepad. “You lied! To me! For months! And you don’t even care!”

The cloud of medication hung over him so thickly, he didn’t even understand what they were talking about at first.

…This was about his identity?

They were still looking at him, tears drying on their face, and so he tried to draft a new sentence as quickly as possible.

I didn’t lie. I only chose not to share it.

“Darn right. Screw my feelings, screw me finding out in the cruelest way possible, screw any agency I might have had over this decision!” They kept the page in their hands as they yelled at him.

He was still confused, and looked at them incredulously.

Their face crumpled. “I made it all up!” Yuu swayed, steadying their hands on their knees, more tears flowing down their eyes. “You weren’t doing it on purpose,” they gasped, one knee buckling. “I thought I’d made it all up.”

Malleus hated seeing Yuu like this, and he had the distinct feeling it was his fault, but he couldn’t quite get a sense for why. Everything was just too much.

As they slowly lowered themselves to the ground, Malleus scribbled out another note and poked them with it. Do you love me?

Yuu looked up, and eyed the note wearily. Thankfully, however, they took it, and folded it open.

They sighed. “Does that matter?”

Malleus nodded, trying to convey the depth of his feelings.

“And after?” they asked, weakly.

Again, Malleus felt lost.

“I’m gonna leave soon,” they said, wiping away more tears. “You’ve seen my lifespan ten times over, I’m gonna die before you. By a lot.” Sniffing, they sat themselves down cross-legged on the floor. “You’ll never have to make a political marriage? You’ve given up everything else, why not that too? And don’t get me started on the total nightmare of a PR campaign. Everyone’s gonna be cool if you show up with some human?”

Malleus hadn’t thought of it that way. Yes, he reasoned, there would be a few problems. The tensions between humans and fae were still somewhat high. It wasn’t that long ago that he learned better.

He’d never thought about his grandmother making him marry. She knew how the Draconias loved- perhaps, Yuu meant the Senate?

Cold fear gripped him. He’d not once considered the idea. What if the Senate made him marry someone who was not of his choosing?

The idea made him breathless.

He penned a new note. But we could still be together.

By the grace of the Thorn Witch. Bile rose in his throat. He needed to sleep.

“But you lied!” they burst out again, rising. “You knew it would have changed things! If I had known who you were that first day, I would have never-” they gasped again, making a wounded, hurt sound as they sobbed into their hand again.

“I was fine before I met you!” cried Yuu, as Malleus summoned the pen and paper again. “I wasn’t happy, but I was fine! And now I’m so, so sad, all the time!”

They were cradling their head in their hands when they whispered, “I deserve an easy love.”

The pen stilled in Malleus’s hand.

They meant they deserved someone easier to love. Not someone knotted and tangled, tied up in sharp ropes of thorns. Someone who wasn’t who he was, who knew love when they felt it.

He was too hard to love, is what they meant.

Because no matter how hard he tried to escape it, the crown would always be his birthright. Malleus had been so afraid of losing it, not just the title but the responsibility. Without it, he felt nothing. But he shouldn’t have worried.

The throne was as much his burden as it was his privilege. Malleus was chained to it, as it cost him friends, family, and the love of his life. He would drown with it, because he was not born to be a man, but to be a leader.

No, that wasn’t true. He had sabotaged this himself. So pathetically desperate for one person to like him outside of his duties. He should have known better.

Crestfallen, he wrote, I’m sorry, and with a wave of his hand, he unlocked the door and opened it, so Yuu would know they could leave.

Sick and tired, he pushed himself up onto his bed. Malleus would have to do this cycle, and every one after this, alone.

“Malleus,” they said, still sniffling, “I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry. Look, we’re not totally doomed, ok? There’s just a lot of stuff to think about. We haven’t had any time to talk, with everything going on.”

Malleus nodded at Yuu’s shaky words, looking down at his lap. He wanted them to stay, but in lieu of that, he needed them to leave, so he could break down privately.

“If we have a chance, it can’t start like this, ok?” they said. “We can talk after. Maybe there’s a way we can do this after all.”

He nodded again, lying down on his side and closing his eyes. Malleus gathered some of the blanket up around himself, aching out of every pore.

“I gotta go,” they whispered. “I’ll see you later.”

Malleus nodded one more time and tried to bury his face in the blanket as best he could, given the extensive pain he was in.

Everything hurt. His cheeks, his heart, and every joint in his body.

But for some reason, this rejection stung worse than any other. He knew what he had now, the peace he could feel, and his body wanted it. Malleus craved rest and safety, and he had truly felt these things in Yuu’s arms, and now he couldn’t have it.

He clutched at the little musings of his strung-together burrow. Malleus didn’t even have a pillow, having flung all of his to the ground. There was no cover, nothing for him to hide under. The window’s curtains were pulled back, sunlight shining through. He wondered if he could set the blanket on fire, or maybe his clothes to provide the heat he needed.

Once again, he wondered why he wasn’t yet a corpse, to be marionetted as the perfect idol. A corpse would never tire, or feel abandoned, or desire love. A corpse would never want more than its wooden heart should.

His face pulsed with pain as it dug into the mattress. Malleus’s eyelids were heavy.

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been touched, aside from today. He had a faint memory of Lilia stepping away from him after a hug, a very long time ago, but he couldn’t remember the hug itself.

They’d never spoken about it after, but Lilia likely thought it improper to be so openly affectionate with him. That was what Sebek had said, and if he asked Silver, he’d likely get an even less charitable response.

Was it fair to say he ruined everything? His position had at least earned some of the blame. The thorns of the crown had woven themselves so deeply into his skin, he was surprised he didn’t exhale and get pricked.

Everything hurt. He was so cold. Every cycle took things from him, the exertion of being forced into such a deep sleep without the fortitude for it. The sleep was supposed to be therapeutic, but it took a lot out of someone, which is why it was important to remain in good health and to have family around.

Brumation made him desperate, but he hated the preparation. There was always the persistent proddings to eat well, a task he already found burdensome.

Families ate together. Mealtimes were about conversation, about seeing one’s loved ones after a long day, but no one loved Malleus except for his grandmother. She ate alone most nights, meaning Malleus did too. They occasionally shared a meal or two, or perhaps afternoon tea, but he had to settle for that and nothing more.

No one was permitted to dine with him. It wasn’t a rule, but no one ever did, even when he asked, people finding excuses upon excuses to get out of it. He’d asked Lilia for three months straight once, patiently asking over and over when he might be free, before finally getting the hint that he either didn’t want to or was not allowed.

Few got close to him, the fearsome crown prince. So it meant more often than not he was forcing food down his throat, and a lot of it, too.

Because of course he was large. Malleus was well over 6 feet, over 200 centimeters, because he couldn’t be short. It took a lot of energy to feed the hulking mass that was himself.

He froze over castles when he was lonely. He made gardens sprout out of stone walls when he felt joy, and the skies followed his mood. As a result, one of the few times his grandmother had shared a meal with him, it was to remind him his feelings were often too big for a situation, and it was his duty to manage his emotions better.

Everything about him was too big. He even felt too big for this bed, as he longed to hide in its corners.

He wanted so badly to be clutched, caressed, held. Malleus wanted someone to want to kiss him so badly, they took him by the cheeks and gave him a kiss, right on the lips.

Malleus had brumated alone before. He would do it again, and again, and again, even if it made him want to lay on bare iron, until he supposed he was forced to take a stranger of a spouse.

Nothing was warm around him. He’d spent cycles dragging nails down his walls, begging anyone to come help him.

Why? Why wouldn’t anyone hold him? Why didn’t anyone love him?

“Tsunotaro?”

The searing heat was back, stroking his chin. He flinched away, fearful, startled to look up and see Yuu.

They stared at each other. Malleus realized Yuu was brushing at some of his own tears. How shameful.

He cleared his throat. “Leave,” he said.

“You’re crying,” they said. “What’s wrong? Are you ok?”

He pushed himself up, and produced the pen and paper again. I am fine, merely brumating.

“But why are you crying?” asked Yuu after reading the note.

He just shook his head.

“Explain it to me,” they said, nudging the paper.

Malleus felt a draft, but he tried to write what he could anyways, so tired but a servant to the will of his most shining treasure. Brumation is usually done in groups. But I must do it alone.

Humiliatingly, he felt hot tears run down his face as he wrote that out. Malleus tried to duck his head back before they could fall on the page, but he wasn’t entirely successful.

Yuu read over the note, and asked, “Why can’t Lilia help? What about Silver, or Sebek?”

More tears fell against his will. It was so undignified to lose his composure this way, when everyone already thought he was weak and fragile, Yuu especially.

“They won’t come,” he said, sentence badly garbled. “I’m all alone.”

He felt dizzy again, Yuu blurring in front of him. Self-pity was worthless and embarrassing.

A hand stroked his leg, or maybe that was him hallucinating again.

Yuu was so nice. Maybe they would get another shot, but if he kept pouring water on their image of him, maybe not. All he had to do was survive this cycle, as horrible as it was.

“Malleus, I don’t think you should be alone,” said Yuu.

That’d be nice.

“If,” they said, “if it’ll really help, I’ll stay.”

Malleus’s eyes had closed, head bobbing, but they were open now, and they were looking right at where he thought Yuu was.

“Look at me.” Someone grabbed him by his horns and turned his head. “Do you want this?”

He tried to nod, but he could barely see anything, let alone move his head. So, so tired.

“I need you to say it. So I know I’m not just taking advantage of you.”

“No,” he said, “it’s a commitment. You can’t run away.”

“What?”

Eyes closed, head held upright only by Yuu, he summoned the pen and paper.

He tried to write, This is a commitment, you can’t quit halfway through, but he couldn’t really feel the pen anymore.

Yuu let his head loll as they took the pad to read. “I’ll stay. The whole time, ok? It's gonna be alright, Malleus, don’t worry. But we have to talk.”

He was overwhelmed with warmth again as someone tried to move him by his arms. It felt like they were shoving him backwards, and he realized that someone was finally here.

Not wasting another second, he closed his bedroom door, kicked his shoes off the side of the bed and dragged Yuu forward with him. Malleus summoned one of his pillows, so Yuu could be more comfortable, and placed it under their head.

To ensure they wouldn’t run, or to stay warm, or to just get closer to Yuu, he rolled over on top of them. He could feel them squeak a bit under them.

It was blissful. Everything was so warm. Finally, his mind let him rest.

Yuu tried to shove Malleus off.

This had all been very emotional. They felt like they’d lived 5 years in the past few months, shoved through every emotional ringer possible. Yuu felt like they’d been chewed up and spit out, stretched and then flattened out again, just today.

The resentment was fresh, but it had been good to get all that off their chest. It had felt like something was weighing on them quite heavily, not unlike the heavy weight currently lying on top of them.

Yuu slapped their hand on Malleus’s back, trying to grab onto anything they could to push him off. He was right on their lungs.

Malleus seemed like he was asleep, but his arms around them tightened as they tried to push him off.

His face was right up near theirs, not quite touching. His brow was furrowed, his breaths were labored, and his eyes were screwed shut so tightly that it looked painful.

Yuu cursed again internally as they reached out to stroke his hair. It would be easier if they didn’t care about him at all, and Yuu thought they’d been managing to convince themselves of that.

But they knew they did. If they didn’t, Yuu wouldn’t have felt so awful for him.

Love. Malleus had said he was in love with Yuu, but he had a tendency to be a bit over-the-top. Still, if he was saying he was in love, then he definitely felt strongly.

Yuu couldn’t say they were in love. They couldn’t say they weren’t in love, but they couldn’t say they were. What they could say, however, is that they felt strongly for him too.

Sighing, they shook their head. It didn’t seem like they were going anywhere anytime soon, pinned under Malleus. With another sigh, they buried their nose in his collar and tried to go to sleep.