Work Text:
SCENE:
EMILY and NICOLE in PRINCIPAL LYNN'S office
PRINCIPAL LYNN:
So, skipping school again, Emily and Nicole? Mr. Lorre said he saw you girls at the mall. What excuse could you POSSIBLY have this time?
NICOLE:
Sorry, we've been like super depressed... over, uh..9/11.
PRINCIPAL LYNN:
I'm not stupid, Nicole. Don't think that I've just been forgetting your constant "depression" excuses. Now Emily, would you care to explain what you were up to that was SO much more important than getting an education?
EMILY:
Fuck you.
PRINCIPAL LYNN:
Excuse me?
EMILY
I said, fuck you, you HAG LESBO SLUT!
PRINCIPAL LYNN:
That's it, I'm going to call your parents, and-
(EMILY starts sobbing)
EMILY:
Ms. Lynn, I am SO sorry! It's just... I'm off my meds, and I've been so LOST in this world... Having 2 totally mentally draining disorders really makes me so... on edge! The voices.. I just wanted them to go away..
A-And the only reason me and Nicole skipped school was to scrounge up some money for more meds to keep me stable, right Nicole?
NICOLE:
Uh, yeah.
EMILY:
Please don't call my parents, I don't want them to see what a wreck I've been....
(EMILY sobs into PRINCIPAL LYNN'S arms)
PRINCIPAL LYNN:
I-I'm sorry girls. I understand the struggle you must face Emily, and I commend your compassion, Nicole. Just consider this absence forgotten, though I won't be so lenient next time...
(PRINCIPAL LYNN exits the room)
EMILY:
Thank GOD that bitch is gone.
NICOLE:
Holy crap, did you just use your schizophrenia as an excuse?
EMILY:
Duh! I mean like, the first time I said it, it was real, the voices wouldn't shut the hell up... But as soon as I heard her bitchy voice, I was like, fuck it, and started doing all that shit.
NICOLE:
Damn.
EMILY:
Yeah, I've used the spaz approach a bunch of times, like at funerals, church, and uh... Ooh! At this one kid's birthday party.
NICOLE:
Why would you- never mind.
EMILY:
As I was saying, it's a total "Get Out of Jail Free" card if you wanna have a total White Girl Bitch Fit on someone. Cussing out someone and immediately telling them I'm fucked up in the head is basically like a guy pulling out so he doesn't give the chick a baby!
NICOLE:
So, schizophrenia's the more fucked up version of tourettes, huh.
EMILY:
Yeah, just add voices and hallucinations.
NICOLE:
You sound like instant cake mix, jesus christ.