Work Text:
It had been a month since Chuuya told me he wasn't born a boy. It was strange, seeing the slug glance at me with a hint of what looked like fear behind his eyes when he revealed it to me. I wonder why he even did. It's not like I really cared, what he was. He's still Chuuya, so why does anything else matters? Maybe it's a human thing. He's definitely human in all aspect, the slug. Maybe this internal pain of swaying between feminine and masculine is something that stems from the depths of his nature. A nature I don't share, and that I will never share. So I don't understand.
And I definitely understand a lot of things.
That is, as long as it stays in the realm of logic and deduction. When it comes down to feelings or morals, it's more complicated. It's not like I don't know them. I learn fast, and I observe everyone and everything. It's not that difficult to grasp. It's more like I lack that inner piece of soul that makes me understand why and how they work. I can't bring myself to care, in the end.
It left me thinking, though, what Chuuya told me. I can never really stop them, the thoughts. There's a constant flow of them, multiple twirling and creating themselves in my brain constantly. It's useful, really. I'm a strategist that never stops thinking.
I've been reflecting on my own feelings. And that is a lot to say, considering how little I manage to catch them and dissect them to understand them. They're one of the things I lack awareness of, despite being so alert to everything surrounding me. Open to the exterior, while inside remains locked behind the only door I can't seem to pick. I can only steal glances through the keyhole.
Why am I a boy?
Was a question that appeared in my mind recently. Somehow, it keeps coming back. I'm fairly sure it's because of Chuuya. Why is he a boy? Because he wants to be. That was simple, an easy answer.
But then,
Do I want to be a boy?
I never asked myself that before. It's weird. It's not something that ever popped in my head before. I can't seem to mutter any response to this question. Why? I usually have answers to everything so easily. It's weird. Really weird. It leaves me feeling.. What? Uneasy? Uncomfortable? I'm not sure what to label it as, but it doesn’t seem pleasant.
If I don't want to be a boy, do I want to be a girl?
Weird. I don't have any particular wish for it either. I don't really care for either, in the end. How come the slug does? How did he find what was *him*?
It's weird.
Those questions never bothered me before. I feel like a kid, lost in a puddle of bits of world I can't grasp any understanding to. Why?
A human thing, probably. It's too out of reach for me to try and extend my fingers towards it, just enough to brush its surface and know what it is.
I wonder why this bothers me so much when I never thought of it before. I never cared. I was born a boy, so I lived as a boy. Simple. I never cared about these sort of things. Wasn't it how everyone felt? You're born like this, so you go on as it.
But Chuuya isn't like that. He actually feels like a boy, it's who he is.
Is it like that for everyone else? I thought no one cared about that. Again, I am the odd one. It was too much to ask of me to have this aspect of human society printed in my being. Even those simple things, they escape my grasp.
☆▪︎°•○•°▪︎☆
"Hey, chibi?"
"I'm not a kid."
His voice bites back at my remark. I like seeing Chuuya react like that, his feelings are always so vivid. It's like a fire burning before my eyes, and all I want is to stay close to its warmth.
"I have a question."
"Uh? What?"
I wanted to ask, but now it feels like I don't know how to formulate it. I'm pretty sure I spent a good moment to prepare for it, but it's like everything left my mind as soon as I actually engaged in this conversation. Screw my stupid brain, not working correctly today.
"It's about.. Boys and girls?"
"Just go on with it already, why do you even look hesitant?"
Do I now? I hadn't noticed. Maybe I am hesitant. But who else other than Chuuya would know how to answer my question?
"Hum.. Why do you feel like a boy?"
The slug turns his face towards me, his brows are raised. From where he is sitting, I can hardly see the freckles around his cheeks, so I concentrate on his eyes instead. It's not what I prefer, but everyone does it, and I know just how to act like a human.
"That's.. I didn't except that sort of stuff from you."
Chuuya said first, I remain silent. I don't know if I was supposed to speak there. Usually, I can find out exactly when there is the moment others expect me to answer, but right now, I don't really manage to find the right words. Stupid brain really doesn't seem to be helping today.
"I'm not sure how to answer.. It's like, uh. Just how I feel. My body not matching what was me, how it made me feel bad, how I got a warm feeling and was satisfied when people mistook me for a boy. It took some time, but I eventually understood I simply felt better as a boy. So I am one. Does that answer?"
I remain silent for a few seconds, thoughts swirling through my head as per usual. Though, there's nothing logical I can pinpoint there. There's no substance for me to understand. It feels like everything was laid before me, yet I can't open my eyes to look at it. I blink once, twice, staring at him, before I speak again.
"I don't get it."
"What do you not get? It's just like you, except I wasn't born a boy straight away and had to change things myself."
"But it's not like me. I'm not attached to being a boy."
That made Chuuya pause. He stared at me, as if I had just said something shoking. Is it? Maybe it is. That can't be normal, after all, can it? Yeah. It's abnormal. I really can't get it.
"You don't feel like a boy? Then uh.."
I see him hesitate, I think he doesn't know how to go on about this.
"Do you.. Feel like a girl..?"
I blink once, twice, before I shake my head. That seems to make him pause, again. Maybe I shouldn't have spoken about this. If I hadn't asked, the slug wouldn't be looking at me like that. I worked hard on presenting myself like anyone else, why did I pierce a crack into my own creation? Now Chuuya is aware of those weird feelings of mine.
"So.. You don't feel like a boy, you don't feel like a girl.."
"I don't care about either. I just.. Present like a boy because I was born as one."
"Mmmh.."
That seems to make him ponder. I observe him for a second, before my gaze fall downcast. I'm surprised he doesn't react more than that. He's unusually calm. Well, I'm not making him annoyed right now, so that explains it too. Maybe we should have gone about our familiar bickering routine.
"Hey, Dazai, I'm not sure I understand, but it's really what you feel?"
I almost want to say no, that I'm just joking. Messing with him. But his expression deters me.
"Yeah."
"Mmmh.."
"I'm just me. I don't care about the rest, I don't have any attachment to girl or boy like you.."
Chuuya nods and I watch his brows going lower in a thoughtful frown. I mimick the expression out of habit.
"I don't think I can understand, but.. Isn't that, like, non-binary or some shit like that?"
I blink once, twice.
"Non-binary?"
The slug hesitates, and I see him eyeing his phone for a second.
"Well, I don't know everything exactly and all but isn't that when people don't fall into either man or woman?"
..What? I feel my lips parting a bit out of surprise, and I close them instinctly to mask it. Chuuya saw my eye widen though, I can tell with how he continues on.
"That may be what you are. Not that it's bad or anything.. It's just a label. You don't really need to use one.. But y'know. Like, it exists. People who feel the same way as you do."
I nod immediately, because it's what my body does before I can register what he said. So it's.. Not just me. Somehow, it makes my stomach better. I hadn't noticed it had twisted in the first place, but the relief is a sensation I can appreciate.
"Thanks, Chuuya."
I whisper. I never understood why thanking people was always so hard for me, but right now I wanted to do it. I'm rewarded by a smile I rarely see on his face. That's also a good look on him, a little grin. Just as much as his anger.
"You're welcome, mackerel."