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Sirius Black spends the first sixteen years of his life trying to convince himself the only reason he wants to crawl outside of his body is because it reminds him of everything that’s messed up with the world.
His body was a perfect incarnation of his mother’s control. You can’t see the shouting on the skin. The flesh doesn’t have anything to tell about the manipulation or the harsh words. You can only see the bony complexion, and the short hair. You can only see the bruises.
Like his body was set on working against him, the pale skin making sure they were as visible as possible.
At ten years old Sirius Black looks in the mirror and only sees the unfortunate destiny that awaits him; a carbon copy of Orion Black.
Like his body was set on working against him, the pale skin that would inevitably match the dark green and silver.
When he is eleven Sirius Black gets sorted into gryffindor. When he picks up the red and gold tie with shaky hands and looks in the mirror the next morning he makes the decision to turn that reflection into something he doesn’t hate, and therefore, into something his mother would.
It takes a week for James Potter to find the, already fading, purple marks when they are eleven, and because he is James fucking Potter he takes it in his stride. At the time Sirius didn’t know it, but James would be there to help with every single step. After every holiday he makes sure to bring absurd amounts of healing potions. He gives Sirius all the gryffindor sweaters, scarves, and socks he could possibly need in an entire lifetime. James learns a hair-growing spell during third year, and lets Sirius crush his hand as Remus pieces his ears in the common room at 3 am.
By fourth year Sirius knows there’s nothing appealing to him about the five girls that have asked him out, but when he lets some hufflepuff girl kiss his neck in an empty classroom, he tries to imagine what would his mother say if she saw him going around with hickeys on his neck.
Like his body was set on working against him, when he looks in the mirror at sixteen, with the long hair, the red and gold, and the piercings; he realizes it’s all wrong.
Sirius black spends the first sixteen years of his life trying to convince himself the reason why looking in the mirror hurts more than a hundred scars is something poetic about the reflection of blood supremacy on the bodies. Something about this messed up system impacting on the individual.
And then, when he is sixteen years old, Lily Evans puts some eyeliner on him.
It had started as an attempt to catch up with homework when Remus invited Lily to their dorm, who then invited Mary, and Marlene and after a few hours they were all drunk and playing truth or dare, upon Lily’s insistence.
It wasn’t until the girls left and Remus and Peter fell asleep that Sirius even thought about looking in the mirror.
James finds him crying on the bathroom floor. And again, he’s there.
It’s been twenty minutes when James shifts a little, he had been telling him about some prank he was planning with Pete until he stopped crying, and now he’s looking at Sirius, all like; “you wanna talk?”, except James doesn’t ask ‘cause he knows Sirius doesn’t want to talk.
Sirius stands up and looks at his reflection again. It was already a little messy when he looked for the first time, but now he had black stains under his eyes. He tries to fix it with his sleeve and fails.
James is looking and Sirius has the horrible realization there’s no reason James can’t read him like a book right now, considering he can do that since they’ve met. Sirius only hesitates for a second, but it was James. If there were something Sirius could say that would make James hate him, then he wasn’t sure he could possibly stop hating himself.
Of course, it’s James. And he sees the momentarily panic, and Sirius could swear they have a conversation without saying a word.
Promise you won’t hate me.
His eyes soften, all like; “c’mon, mate, really?” Then a glimpse of a smile. Sirius can almost hear the sarcastic:
I solemnly swear.
Second horrible realization of the night:
Like his body was set on working against him, when he looks in the mirror at sixteen, with the messy eyeliner, he kinda feels like himself for the first time.
“I don’t think I’m a boy.” He whispers.
James frowns and they stay like that. Silent.
“Are you a girl?” James asks. Sirius shrugs.
“I don’t think that’s how it works mate.” James opens his mouth and then doesn’t say anything. Sirius must still be mildly drunk ‘cause he keeps going. “I wish I could be one tho. I don’t think I like girls like I’m supposed to.”
James is still silent, but Sirius knows he wouldn’t break his promise.
“It’d be easier if I was a girl. I could like guys then, it wouldn’t be a problem.”
Sirius doesn’t need to worry about how his confession could change things with James. He doesn’t need to worry about James not wanting him to sleep in his bed anymore, or being uncomfortable changing in front of him, cause James grabs his hand, and hugs him, and lets Sirius cry some more.
Sirius Black is sixteen when he only archives half of his mission. His mother undoubtedly hates what he’s become. A part of his brain that sounds a little like Regulus tells him she always did.
But she makes sure to let him know he’s a disgrace.
Sirius thinks the first time his body doesn’t seem to be working against him is that night, when he’s crying on the floor, and Walburga has forgotten any possible restraint.
And maybe it’s the fresh memory of James' warm embrace in the bathroom, just a few nights before, the unconditional love he offered like it was nothing. Maybe it’s the fact that he knows Regulus is watching, and Sirius isn’t sure Reg doesn’t hate him as much as Walburga does. Or perhaps it’s the dreadful realization that if he doesn’t do something himself, no one is going to stop Walburga from killing him. He isn’t sure that would be so terrible.
He’s not sure how it happened. He remembers a second of regret as Regulus’ face hits him like another curse, his icy expression showing nothing.
And then James was calling his parents, as he helped Sirius stand, and stained his clothes with some of Sirius’ blood.
Sirius was miserable, which was expected. He also felt like the lightest human in the world.
James’ parents had been fussing over him for the three days he’d been staying with them after appearing at their front door half unconscious, and had told him, with that honesty Sirius had thought only James could express sorely by looking someone in the eyes, that he was never going back there.
Sirius had spent most of that time in the guest’s room bed, covering his entire body with the blankets, as if the darkness could maybe fix everything that was wrong with it.
Someone knocked on the door, and Sirius felt horrible for pretending to be asleep. They were being so kind to him, and all he did in return was hide in the guest room and growl at James if he tried to talk to him.
The door opened. “I know you’re not asleep, you’ve been here all day, it’s noon.”
James sat on the bed, and Sirius hid a little bit more under the covers.
“Sod off, I’ve been hit by more crucios than I could count, let me sleep.”
James took the blankets and moved them so he could see him, but didn’t take them off completely. He got really close to Sirius' face.
“I brought food,” he smiled. James wore his heart on his sleeve, his smiles were honest, and it was impossible to miss the underlying worry.
Sirius saw a bowl of curry, and… look, you can’t have a bowl of Effie’s curry in front of you and not eat it.
James sat with him as he ate and talked about something Sirius didn’t listen to. When he was done, James smiled mischievously. That’s when Sirius realized he was holding a small white bag.
“Prongs if that food was a prank I swear I’ll hit the shit out of-”
James smiled, like the prospect of Sirius hitting him didn’t bother him in the slightest, and raised both of his hands. “Hey, no pranks. Look.” He gave Sirius the bag. He hesitated. James rolled his eyes, opened it for him, and dropped its contents over the covers.
Sirius titled his head. “What's that mate?”
There were a bunch of small cylinders, most of them black with a few pops of color, a brownish round thing that looked like a cup, and a fancy-looking small bottle made of gold.
“Is this for a potion? Don’t ask me for help, ask your dad.” He said, taking the gold bottle and examining it. He opened it and there was a stick at the top, with some black liquid.
“That’s called kohl. It’s kinda like eyeliner.”
Sirius looked at him, horrified. “Did you steal your mum’s makeup?”
“She won’t care! Look, I asked Lily-”
“What do you mean you asked Lily? Prongs that’s not very subtle!”
James raised both his hands again, “I said it was for a prank! I promise Evans doesn’t care either-”
Sirius glanced at the makeup suspiciously. He blushed which James would have made fun of him for, if he didn’t think Sirius could start crying any minute.
After an hour and a half and a lot of struggling, Sirius looks in the mirror and thinks he could be close to not hating what he saw.
Sirius decides he is definitely not a boy when Remus confesses, late at night in their dorm, that he likes blokes.
He knows because that's the moment Sirius’ heart finally cracks.
He'd thought that’d already happened, when his mother almost murdered him, or when Regulus ignored his existence. He thought there was nothing left to break.
Sirius hadn’t even been aware of his crush on Remus up until that moment, and he wasn’t sure which realization was more worrying.
Remus probably thinks Sirius is a proper arsehole, as James hugs him and Peter nods enthusiastically, Sirius just… stares.
And he feels like a proper arsehole too, considering he knows firsthand how terrifying this must be, especially for Remus, who already considers himself to be a threat to society or something.
He isn’t sure which option is more sickening; the thought of Remus never being attracted to him, or the idea that Remus could be attracted to him, thinking Sirius is a boy.
He tries to smile, and be supportive, but he’s sure Remus isn’t fooled.
Later that night, James sneaks into his bed and only hits him with his pillow twice, ‘cause after that he sees Sirius crying and, in the most annoying James Potter fashion; immediately knows.
Sirius has never felt as miserable as he does crying in James' arms’ that night.
It’s the last match of the year, and Sirius barely registers when James catches the snitch. There’s screaming around him. Everyone’s watching, obviously as he lands right next to the changing rooms.
He’ll worry later about the fact he left his broom right there, now he’s busy dying.
He’s never been so sure of something in his life, not even when he was bleeding and trying to find a way to James’ house. The oxygen is slowly leaving his body, and he’s trying to make it work, but his lungs are not cooperating, and he can’t see.
You can’t possibly feel this miserable if you are not dying.
Sirius feels stupid, but he thinks if he’s dying, that’s going to be Hogwarts’ memory of him; Sirius flying around in a boys’ uniform. The commentator’s words will be ringing in their ears: “Sirius Black; boys, you better secure your girl! The most handsome beater of the Gryffindor team has just…”
Sirius is going to die and Regulus is going to think he lost a brother.
“There you go, you are doin’ great, love” He feels something cold in his hand. “One more time, just breathe with me.”
He realizes the reason he can’t see is the tears. He shakes his head. “I can’t- I’m-”
“That’s okay, just try your best, follow me.”
It takes way too long to realize he’s not dying.
Remus is holding his hand, which is wet since Remus conjured some ice for him to hold.
James is sitting next to him, and Peter just came back from holding anyone from entering the changing room.
They are all looking at him, and Sirius…
Sirius starts crying again. Full ugly sobbing.
He has the faint thought that he just blew any chances of Remus finding him mildly attractive.
He doesn’t feel like he’s dying anymore. He isn’t sure that’s a good thing.
“I can’t- I can’t do it anymore.” He whimpers. Like a child, saying “Mum, I’m bored.”
Sirius can’t see Remus anymore, his eyes filled with tears again, “Sirius-”
“I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I don’t want to be a boy anymore,” His voice cracks. “There’s something wrong with me, I’ll fucking- It’s killing me. It hurts, moony-”
“Okay, Sirius.” Remus must’ve cleaned his tears. With softer hands than Sirius would’ve thought possible, he holds his cheeks. “That’s okay, you don’t have to be a boy.”
“That’s not- I can’t just choose to-”
“Fuck that. I don’t care.” Remus’ hands put a little more pressure on his face. It doesn’t hurt, but it reminds him he’s here. “Do you hear me, Sirius? I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone else has to say about this. If you’re not a boy you’re not a boy.” When he pushes his forehead against his, Sirius thinks Remus looks so sure of himself that there’s no way he could possibly be lying about anything. He could’ve said he was the prime minister and Sirius would’ve believed him. “You hear, pads?”
His body is moving too slowly, but he manages to nod. Remus’ hands tighten one more time. He nods as well, like sealing a pact.
Before falling asleep that night he decides to finish his mission. He’s gonna find a way to make this body his own, or literally, die trying.
They don’t talk about it.
He thinks back to that moment, sitting on the floor. If Sirius can take a quarter of Remus's confidence in him, that’d be enough for a lifetime.
And it kinda works. Sirius starts by wearing eyeliner.
It’s simple enough, and he’s already worn it twice. At first, he does it in the bathroom and is filled with an overflowing feeling of shame.
When Remus knocks on the door telling him to hurry the fuck up he has the sudden urge to hide. But he takes a deep breath and opens the door, grinning like a maniac, and it’s only half forced.
Remus looks at him so intensely Sirius is sure he made the right decision.
He wears eyeliner for the last big gryffindor party of the year. Remus can’t keep his eyes off him the entire night.
Summer is a great time to sneak into muggle bars wearing eyeliner, pierce different parts of his body, get some tattoos, and buy clothes Sirius isn’t even sure what gender they are meant for. Peter and James encourage the entire thing. Remus invites Lily, Mary, and Marlene the next time they go to a pub and Sirius doesn’t even feel shy.
Sirius has a lot of new experiences that summer, and by the end of it he doesn’t cover the bathroom mirror every time he showers anymore.
On the third day after they go back to Hogwarts for their last year, Sirius steals James’s cloak and the map. When he’s in the common room he triple checks everyone is in their dorms and then stands there for way too long.
The stairs don’t turn into a slide after he steps on them, and he wonders if he just needs to go higher for it to work.
He does, and when nothing happens Sirius thinks it just takes longer for the magic to take effect- so he waits.
He isn’t sure how long it’s been, or when he sat down, but by the time the time he comes back to himself James has just appeared on the other side of the common room, looking half asleep.
He scans the common room. “Sirius? You’re not there are you?” With a grin, Sirius takes off the invisibility cloak, and James flinches. “Padfoot what the fuck are you doing-” Srius’ smile widens more than he thought possible as James catches on. “The stairs-”
“I’m a girl.” She says, not like a confession, but like she’s announcing good news at breakfast. She doesn’t even feel the slightest bit of shame, more like a childish excitement.
Sirius doesn’t know what to expect, but James crying is definitely not on the list.
“I’m so proud of you.” Is all he says, and Sirius fucking agrees. She is proud of herself. Which is a crazy, insane, not normal thought to have. But it feels better than it has in a long time, so she lets James cry.
Sirius is sure half the castle thinks she’s a queer guy now. She doesn’t know how to feel about it, but having big scary James and Remus next to him most of the time makes it hard for most people to want to mess with her. Being big scary herself helps as well- but turns out other men stop respecting you when you start wearing makeup.
Everyone has something to say, not just the slytherins, but especially the slytherins. Some of them.
Sirius is reminded of the fact that her friend group represents everything her parents would hate almost every day. She copes, the way she’s been doing since the moment the sorting hat had the audacity to call “gryffindor” when she was eleven.
And then Regulus grabs her arm when she enters the great hall.
Regulus is taking her somewhere, but Sirius’ brain has completely turned off because she’s pretty sure the last time Regulus touched her, she was twelve.
Like her body is set on working against her, Sirius looks at Regulus’ face and sees herself in the grey.
They’re in an empty classroom, but Sirius isn’t going to say anything, and Regulus is just watching, studying her from the other side of the room. It’s such a big contrast from the closeness she just experienced she might just lose her mind.
“What?” She says, as it becomes apparent Regulus isn’t saying something anytime soon.
Regulus doesn’t reveal anything, but Sirius sees the dark under eyes. She would bet on the map that if she were to raise Regulu’s sleeve it would be filled with purple marks. Regulus’ hair is a mess in a way Sirius has never seen it before, and she’s about to cut the distance between them when Rrgulus speaks, sounding half dead.
“Is your offer still up?”
Sirius doesn’t like to remember much about that night, but she forces herself to think about Regulus’ icy expression after she begged him to come with her.
“What changed your mind? Got tired of preaching blood purity? Want a change of scenery?” Sirius finds herself smiling, “are you finding your rebellious spark, Reggie? That’s cute.”
She sees Regulus trying to control himself, his fists tightening. Sirius considers leaving.
“So it's not.” He says. Sirius can’t find any words.
They stay in silence, staring at each other for what could’ve been a few minutes to half an hour.
“Barty says-” Regulus hesitates. “Well, a lot of people say- there’s a…rumor that you’re- that you like blokes.” By the end of the hardly-put-together sentence, Regulus is not looking at her, and she’s too surprised to say anything.
“Is that what you want to talk about? Are you that worried about your brother being a fag that you-” Sirius would have said something she would’ve regretted if Regulus hadn’t interrupted her.
“Not really.” Reg looks at her with so much anger she feels like flinching. He gets closer to her. “I don’t give a fuck Sirius, for all I care you could announce your love for dick at breakfast and I’d cheer if you want. I don’t fucking care if you are queer, I just know that I am.” The silence hangs in the room for just a few seconds. Regulus suddenly smiles. “Oh! Right, I almost forgot to mention it! I’m also getting married! To our dear cousin! You know, I’d give you an invite but I doubt Mother would appreciate-”
Sirius’ brain starts to catch up, “Wait Reg-”
“And I thought; hey maybe my brother who goes around hogwarts wearing eyeliner will kinda understand the feeling a little! But I was clearly mistaken, so I’ll just leave you alone.” Regulus has almost left the room by the time Sirius has enough time to react.
“Wait, Reg! Of course the offer’s still up!” Sirius catches up to him and puts a hand on his shoulder.
When he turns around, Regulus is crying, and for a second Sirius is sure she is ten years old and has just been beaten up, and a nine-year-old Regulus is scared for his older brother.
“Don’t mess with me.”
Sirius flinches. “I’m not. James’ parents would love to have you. Really, Reg.”
When Regulus doesn’t look half-convinced she drags him all the way to the gryffindor common room. She looks for James and tells him right there Regulus is coming with them for the winter holidays.
And because it’s James fucking Potter, he grins, and says “Great! Mum and Dad will love him! I’ll send them a letter!”
When Sirius is seventeen Remus tries to kiss her.
They are high, just a little bit, in the astronomy tower. Peter and James were also there, but they went to grab snacks from the kitchens.
Remus was looking at her, and she wanted to pretend like Remus’ face wasn’t so kissable, but then-
Sirius isn’t sure how it happened, but Remus was getting closer.
Getting punched in the face would’ve hurt less. And it’s the fact that she wants to kiss Remus so bad that makes it extremely difficult to get herself to stand up.
Remus is looking at her, surprised, like the possibility of her rejecting him hadn’t even crossed his mind.
Sirius is too high for this.
“What the fuck, Remus?”
Remus is probably also too high for this, because he just… looks at her, dumbfounded.
“Uh… I’m sorry? I thought you-” Remus frowns. Something darkens in his eyes.
They stay in silence for a few seconds, until Remus stands up. “Look, I’m sorry, I thought you liked me back I- We can pretend this didn’t happen.”
And then Sirius feels that something she’d learned to identify as the feeling of not being in control of her body.
It hurts so much coming from him. Sirius isn’t sure she would’ve gotten this far if it wasn’t for Remus's confidence in her.
“If I had known you didn’t like me back I wouldn’t have-” And then Remus looks at her, and sees the tears. “Why are you crying?”
Sirius has the sudden urge to push Remus off the astronomy tower. “What do you mean why am I- Fuck you, Remus! Just because I have a crush on you, you don’t get to just play around with me like-”
“What?” Remus looks confused. Why did they have to do this high?
“You like boys! I’m not a boy! We’ve established this! I know I don’t look like one but-”
“Oh, Sirius!” Remus tries to get closer, but Sirius backs away from him. Remus holds both his hands in the air. “Okay, Sorry. Sirius of course you’re not a boy. I don’t think you are one, nor do I think you look like a boy, or that there is a way to look like a boy. I never said I just like blokes, I like girls as well. I like one girl. You.”
It’s Sirius's turn to stare. “Don’t lie to me-”
“I’m not, love” This time Sirius allows Remus to get closer and grab her hand. “I see why you would think that, but I swear I’ve always liked girls. I had a major crush on Lily during third year,” He says, with a smile.
Sirius cleans some of her tears with her free hand. “Did you really?”
Remus laughs. “Don’t tell James.”
Sirius sniffs. “Of course I’m telling James!”
When Remus kisses her that night, Sirius Black discovers what it feels like for her body to not be working against her.