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Everything that can go wrong, goes wrong.
Very wrong.
Because of course it does.
Goro is seemingly incapable of doing something nice for someone else. He was born to destroy, and that’s all he will ever do. Destroy his mother’s life. Destroy his father's career. Destroy people's lives. Destroy himself .
Now it is only a matter of time until he destroys the one he loves most.
It was meant to be something simple at first, a small gesture to thank his partner. After all, Akira does so much for him: cooked for him, organized every date, picked out and made relentless amounts of gifts, tolerates every single one of his moments where anger felt more familiar to Goro than happiness, and loves him despite Goro doing nothing to deserve his love.
Akira makes it all seem so effortlessly easy as if it was just breathing to him: like loving Goro is the simplest thing in the world to do when it is anything but.
And, of course, sooner rather than later, it came time for Goro to do something for Akira.
With all these thoughts swarming his head, that idea of 'something simple' had quickly become 'it has to be perfect' instead.
Determined as always, Goro has never been one to stand down and fall behind against his rival.
He had ordered a custom-made album of all of Akira’s favorite photos of them as well as purchased flowers after looking through their meanings relentlessly. He had booked reservations at an incredibly expensive and well-reviewed restaurant, and he had even bought tickets to the aquarium where he had taken Akira on their first ‘date’ because it’s exactly the stupid kind of sentimentalism that would make his boyfriend smile like he owned the sun. It all had to be perfect.
It had been no hard task to do all this; after all, Goro is perfect at organizing his own life. He had shuffled between his hitman job in Mementos, his school schedule, and his TV appearances quite well he would say.
As such, everything had been planned to perfection, and surely nothing could go wrong.
And yet, to reiterate, everything did.
The album order had gotten delayed for another month due to a printer error or some other excuse they spewed at him, the flower shop had refused to give him the flowers after recognizing who he was (something about a whiny teenage daughter whom he ‘broke’ the heart of), the restaurant staff had thought that his using of the name Goro Akechi meant that the call was a prank because he was presumed dead by most people these days, and, of course, because he had won the bad luck lotto, even though they had managed to get inside the aquarium, the two of them ended up swarmed by people who had recognized him, something that rarely happens since he began wearing hoodies, glasses, and his hair tied up in a ponytail.
Somehow, that hadn't even been the worst of it–some idiot fangirl had decided to fucking tweet out his location, and one of Shido’s shitty yakuza henchmen had stalked them out of the aquarium. Thankfully, due to both of their extreme paranoia, he hadn’t gone unnoticed, and they had been able to shake him off rather quickly. The gun in the yakuza’s hands also hadn’t gone unnoticed by Goro; the man’s finger had been on the trigger. He could have shot Akira. The feeling that had accompanied that thought had made Goro nauseous.
Truly, nothing had been salvageable. Goro had no gift for his date, so they ended up having to eat at a fast food place instead, it had been impossible to hold a proper conversation for longer than five minutes in the aquarium, and then…they could have been shot at.
Goro had just wanted something simple in his life.
One simple thing.
And that was to make Akira happy, even if just a fraction of how happy Akira made him.
When they had finally gotten home, a bit breathless still from the chase they had, it had all become too much for him.
Wordlessly and without even sparing a glance at his partner, Goro went through the motions. Took off his shoes. Went to the bathroom. Turned on the shower. Got the smell of the outside world out of him. Slipped into his pajamas. Headed to bed.
And here he is now.
Holding onto the handmade plushie of Black Falcon that Akira had made him; it brought him comfort, and he had long since stopped caring if that seemed childish of him because it wasn’t like anyone apart from Akira knew just how much he treasured this doll.
Curling completely on himself in the fetal position, he holds it against his chest. Slowly the day is catching up to him bit by bit and with his emotions threatening to spill out, he tries to remember his breathing exercises, keep himself calm, and focus on the feeling of the doll between his fingers. That, however, is the wrong decision; the more he thinks about how Akira has given him such a precious thoughtful gift, one that he had poured hours into making, the more Goro feels like he had failed–that he had yet to manage to repay Akira for such kindness.
Which means it’s too late.
The tears start streaming down his face silently at first, as he bites down hard on his trembling lip, still trying to grasp a sensation that will keep him grounded. Maybe if he bites down hard enough– he doesn’t care if it draws blood–
Blood.
God, what if they hadn’t noticed that man? What if he had shot? Would Akechi have been fast enough to put himself in the way of the bullet? Or would he have stood there, holding onto Akira’s bleeding wounds? Goro had seen his blood before, even if it had been fake at the time–he had been fine then. He hadn’t cared.
He cares now.
It isn't long after this thought that he starts sobbing.
It feels alien; he can count the number of times he has cried on one hand. Feeling too hollow to even let emotions show is a much more familiar feeling.
Once it starts, though, nothing is enough, not until exhaustion wins. There is a voice crying out that he barely recognizes as his own, the uncomfortable sensation in his throat his only confirmation. Goro tries to make himself smaller as he cries onto the fabric of his pajamas and the doll still in his arms, and the thought that he’s staining the doll with his pathetic tears only makes him feel worse. He hopes he doesn’t accidentally rip it apart in his grip, but it is all he can do to hold onto it as is, as his limbs start going numb and feeling made of static from all the emotions in his body.
Coherent thinking disappears next.
The words just repeat in his brain: useless. Monster. Not Good Enough. Killer. Stupid. Idiot. Now upset at both how badly the day has gone and at how poorly he has managed to control his own emotions, the tears fall harder.
Goro has heard people say that it’s healthy to cry, ‘to let it all out’ and that ‘you will feel better after,’ but as every sensation in his body is pain and agony, he can't help but doubt them.
When crying out doesn’t feel like enough to get rid of all the emotions, he starts shouting. And once he starts he can't bring himself to stop it. Shouting is familiar to him, and maybe if he ruins his vocal cords, he won’t be able to cry anymore and this feeling will finally stop.
But suddenly, he feels something else.
And it stuns him into silence.
Warmth engulfs him as gentle arms wrap around him from behind. This heat and this touch–he knows them so very well.
His screaming stops, but his breathing is still ragged, and the tears still show no signs of stopping.
It feels… comforting. To be held like this right now.
It makes him realize just how much he is trembling as well. Akira’s finger gently and rhythmically taps against Goro’s arm as if screaming for his attention, to tell him to focus only on it and not on all the awful, swarming thoughts in Goro’s head.
“Count them.” It’s a short, gentle command that Goro can’t help but follow.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven….
Goro’s breathing slowly steadies as he keeps counting, and soon the only things accompanying his falling tears become small sniffles and hiccups which fade out after a few minutes of silence as he keeps focusing on the arms around him, protecting him, caring for him.
The silence breaks. “I love you.”
Goro slowly nods, and even though the movement is small, it makes his head spin..
“No matter what happens, I love you.”
He knows. God does Goro know. Akira shows him every day, through both actions and words.
“But I am not good enough.”
Akira could do better–so much better. He could not be dating and living with his killer, for one thing.
“You are. Oh, you so are.” Goro can feel gentle kisses being planted on his back, slowly trailing up to his neck. “And a day gone wrong isn't going to change that, ever.”
Akechi sighs. He doesn't like being coddled; it makes him feel like he is being looked down upon, yet with Akira he doesn’t mind it, at least not anymore. It’s not like he can deny that hearing Akira’s words helps.
Finally, Goro releases his tight grip on his knees, and with one hand still on the doll, uncurls from himself and settles against Akira's chest, who in turn slips an arm around Goro’s stomach.
“I just wish that something, anything, could have gone right.” Their free hands meet atop Goro’s knee.
Akira laughs; a beautiful sound that Goro feels reverberating through him thanks to their proximity. It makes Goro’s chest warm, and if he weren’t so drained he feels like he might cry a second time.
“What is it?” Goro asks, trying to put an ounce of annoyance in his voice and failing. “Was seeing me flounder about the whole day that amusing? Or is it the part where we almost got killed that’s funny to you?”
“Sorry, sorry.” Akira doesn’t sound apologetic at all, the asshole. “It’s just–well... You will call me sentimental or sappy or whatever again if I say what it is.”
“Spit it out,” Goro demands. Akira's sappiness is very welcome at the moment; in fact, Goro has a feeling it will make him feel better.
“It’s just that, well… when it comes to things going right, spending time with you is always 'right' to me”
“Sentimental idiot.”
“What did I say?! Proving me right.” And with that, Akira is laughing again. Goro wishes that he never stops. “Seriously, though. Think of just how much we have gone through, not even counting today. How much we had to handle during all of last year–our entire lives even. Are you saying I shouldn't consider myself lucky when I get to have you and when you try to plan a date for me? Because it makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world.”
Akechi stays silent. He truly doesn’t know how to reply. Even though Akira isn’t one for long speeches, when he gets passionate like this, it’s hard not to be stunned into silence.
The tone of Akira’s voice becomes calmer, and the way his chin rests against Goro’s head makes every word tickle Goro’s ear. “I do genuinely feel bad that the day went badly. I wish I could have helped more; that I could have yelled ‘Back off, he is mine!’ at the aquarium–
“You should have,” Goro says without really thinking, as the mental image of Akira being possessive over him simply seems too appealing
It looks like it’s his turn to leave Akira at a loss for words, and Goro feels an amused huff of breath tickle his skin once more. If he turns around, Akira will most likely be blushing, and Goro counts it as a minor win on this god-awful day.
“I will keep it in mind for next time then.” Then, Akira starts his speech back up again. “What I meant to say is, you didn’t have to plan this date, and you didn’t have to go overboard and try to make it all so ‘perfect’ because I genuinely meant it when I said that I already love every single moment we have together. I wouldn't want you to change a single thing–”
“But I want to-”
“I’m not finished. I know you do, and that’s exactly it. That feeling, the attempt, and the effort you put into all this? That means the world to me; no one has ever tried this hard for me before, you know.”
There is simply no way that’s true. Goro is very aware of their group of friends after all. “Now you are fucking with me.”
Akira holds him tighter, but not uncomfortably so, feeling like the comfort of a weighted blanket draped across Goro’s back. “I’m serious. But that’s fine by me. I simply like doing it: giving everything I can to everyone I love. And I know that if I ever asked them to do the same for me, they absolutely would.”
Goro supposes that makes some sort of sense… but still. It doesn’t sit right by him. They are meant to be equals. “I won’t give up though.”
“When have you ever?” There was a playful tone to Akira’s voice.
“Stopped trying to kill you, didn't I?”Goro replies in turn.
There’s an exaggerated gasp from behind Goro. “You stopped? You should have told me! Because every time you do something for me I feel like my heart will burst and I will end up dead on the floor, and I'm seriously not jealous of your future job to clean my corpse off the floor.”
Goro rolls his eyes. “Always so dramatic.”
“I’m not the one who had a breakdown because a date went wrong.”
Ouch. He knows that Akira doesn’t mean anything by it, but two can play this game. “Yeah? Sorry if I got a bit scared by the possibility of us getting shot.”
“Now that was the fun part of the date!”
“You are insane.”
“I am dating you after all! I consider it one of my charms.” Akira snuggles onto Goro and adds in a quieter voice, not above a whisper. “How are you feeling? That was…”
Intense? Terrifying? A sad sight to see? What was it like, seeing your boyfriend try to ruin his vocal cords, knowing full well the neighbors could hear?
“...Did it make you feel better?”
Ugh, not that question.
“Of course not, I don’t know why people say it does,” Goro says, matching the volume of his voice. “Miserable really.”
“Hmm, something about chemicals in your brain, or so I heard.”
Guess it’s another thing wrong with me.
Not wanting to leave it on that sad note, Goro decides to speak up once more. “But… this”–he gestures to their intertwined hands–“did help.” And Goro finds himself drawing small circles on Akira’s hand with his thumb as if to express with actions just how much it means, even if his words cannot.
“Anytime.” Akira understands; of course, he does. "After all, we both know you can't get rid of me if you tried."