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Fenris had a goal when he went to Kirkwall. One goal. It was a very simple one: Kill Danarius. Except of course it wasn't simple because his lead was wrong and now he is alone in a big empty house, in Kirkwall of all places. So then he made a new goal: find anything relating to Danarius and end it. He did sort of accomplish that goal, he found Hadriana and killed her. But then he found out about his sister. It could have been a lie, a trick by that wretched mage to give her one final chance at life. But somewhere, in the deep recesses of his mind he knew it was true. So then, his new goal was to find his sister. He wasn't sure what he would do next with that, truth be told. But there seemed to always be something, or someone rather that kept throwing his simple goals out of focus. Hawke.
He didn't know what to make of Garrett at first. He was quite handsome, even a blinded old toad could see that. But there was something else about him. Isabela is beautiful too, as is Sebastian, Aveline, even the goddamned mage Anders. But Garrett was...charming. He seemed to care a lot about Fenris' plight, despite having no stake in the game so to speak. It wouldn't affect his life whether Danarius lived or not. But despite that, he helped Fenris every step of the way. In the few years after the Deep Roads expedition, Fenris almost let himself believe that maybe he could have real feelings for Hawke.
Therefore, he let himself act on them. For one night, he let himself give in to his wants and just live. He wasn't blind, he knew Hawke was shamelessly flirting with him. Maybe Hawke just did it because Fenris was another pretty face. He clearly didn't think Fenris would reciprocate, yet he always seemed to silently hold out hope he would. Its safe to say that at least half of the young bachelors and bachelorettes were silently hoping that Hawke would pick one of them for his affection, but no, it was Fenris, only Fenris.
That night with Hawke was truly everything Fenris had hoped for. Hawke made him feel wanted, feel cared for, and for just a moment, feel loved. And of course, Fenris had to ruin everything. In his moment of peace, everything came rushing back, memories flooding him like someone had opened the dam keeping him from his past. Faces rushed into his head, nameless voices rang loudly in his ears, love and affection he had never seemed to know coursing through his bloodstream. And just as quickly as it had given to him, it was taken away. And with it, the love he felt from that night was gone too, leaving only an empty hole in his heart.
Somehow, the morning after left him feeling more empty than that whole experience had. He couldn't help but take a piece of Hawke with him, a red cloth off of one of his discarded clothing items. He didn't know why he did it. When he had awoken, he quickly redressed and tried to find warmth by the fireplace, to no avail. Hawkes clothing from the day before lay strewn across the bedroom floor, evidence of their previous escapades. He took the red undershirt and tore the bottom off, quickly tying it around his arm before he could stop himself. Maker, why did he do it? Did he want Hawke to know that he felt this deeply for him? Maybe. Maybe he wanted, or needed rather, for Hawke to understand that he was more than one night for him.
When Hawke awoke, the disappointment on his face was clear. Fenris tried to explain his actions as clearly as he could without breaking down and running to Hawke for comfort. But these feelings, these memories showed Fenris one thing: these feelings for Hawke were a distraction from his goal. So, he left. It hurt him, more than he can ever describe. Leaving Hawke behind felt like he was leaving a piece of his soul behind. Hawke, who had done everything he could to help Fenris. Hawke, who had ignored everyone's attempts to woo him just for the chance of being with Fenris. Hawke, who just wanted Fenris to know he was loved, was now left behind with a part of Fenris stuck forever in his heart.
The years passed. A part of their friendship mended, but there was always that lingering thought in the back of their minds: what if. But at some point, Hawke gave up on that what if. He found love with someone else, that mage Anders. Of fucking course Hawke went to the mage for comfort. At first, Fenris was angry. Why had Hawke given up on that idea that Fenris held so dear, why had he run to the mage? Hawke spent years with that idea, hoping for even a sliver of attention from Fenris, then threw it all away for a mage?
Then, Fenris realized something. Hawke loved Fenris. Maybe he still loves him. But Hawke had done everything for Fenris. Hawke wanted to give Fenris the world, and for a moment, Fenris took it and threw it back in his face. Fenris gave him a sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, they could actually be something. But Fenris left. Fenris needed to leave, he knew that. He wasn't ready to give Hawke what he needed. And maybe Anders gives him that. Anders clearly loves Hawke, no matter how much it enrages the elf. And maybe Hawke loves Anders. But Hawke loved Fenris, and Fenris couldn't love Hawke the way he needed to be loved.
So now, Fenris is alone. He killed Danarius, turned his traitor sister away, and left Kirkwall behind in the rubble. He stayed with everyone for a time. But eventually, Aveline returned to Kirkwall, then Isabela left to sail the high seas on her new ship, and Merril left to help fix what's left of her clan. Varric and Bethany stayed for a time at Hawkes side, but eventually they too had to leave. And then it was just them, Anders, Fenris, and Hawke. He knew it wasn't healthy, staying with them. His heart only ached more for Hawke seeing them together. And some days, Fenris thought that maybe Hawke wanted him too. But Hawke loves Anders, Anders loves Hawke, and Fenris is alone. So he left them behind, maybe for good. He didn't have a goal quite yet, maybe he didn't need one to lead him somewhere good. But here is again, just as alone as he was when he passed through those goddanm Gallows.