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[Age ten]
Izuku waved his hands around rapidly as he talked, almost forgetting to eat at all. He had discovered a new game and the other people online had such cool ideas about it! They made AUs [it stands for alternate universes, he had explained to Inko] out of what could've happened after the different routes, and put cool spins on the general concept, they even swapped characters’ roles and personalities around! It was all so interesting to think about!
He especially liked how they thought about existing game mechanics and how they really worked. He had some ideas of his own too! They were less theories than another AU, but he really liked them regardless!
Inko chewed her food as she listened to her son’s excited ranting, nodding along and occasionally asking questions if only to make him happy. She was glad he had found something that made him happy, but it was a bit graphic for her liking.
Really, some of those ‘AUs’, as he called them, were so violent! Talking about how one of the characters was probably “depressed” or how a child had died and come back as a ghost! Even about what the fights, which were completely optional, could have as a ‘deeper meaning’ or different ways they could turn out! She wasn't sure if she should even be letting him talk about them, they were inappropriate for a kid like Izuku to like.
Her Izuku would cry at even the idea of violence, how had he become so… so unlike himself! If only he could’ve stayed the way he was when he was little…
Still. She steeled her smile as he began to rant about one of the possible outcomes after the game where one character snaps and betrays his friends. If it made her darling Izuku happy, she would allow it.
As long as it never gets worse.
______________________
[age 13]
Izuku makes sure to keep the rising panic hidden deep in his chest as his mom opens his internet history. Well, as much as he could. He kinda felt like he couldn't breathe and he was sure he was at least a little pale.
It wasn't like he was watching anything actually bad , but he knew Mom was only barely ok with him talking about that game he liked a while ago, despite how she tried to hide her disapproval. And that was tame compared to what he liked now.
“What's this, Izuku?” Mom said pointedly as she pointed to a theory video he watched about that horror game he liked. She must've recognised the character in the thumbnail from when Kacchan liked the same thing.
[He still remembered how she always ranted after his visits. ‘It's just so violent Izuku! If that boy was my son he would be grounded for watching things like that at his age. I know you'd never do that dear’]
“U- uh. It's a video a- about this horror game I like!” he stuttered out with his eyes on the floor, his hands, anywhere but Mom’s eyes, “where th- this kid is-”
“That game Katsuki used to like?” she interrupted him with an almost shocked sounding voice that made his insides constrict nauseatingly. Oh look, a stain on the wall he hadn't noticed before, how interesting
“ ew. ”
Izuku’s eyes snapped up to hers, taking in the thinly veiled disgust on her face. ‘Ew’? What does that even mean? The game? The video? Izuku? Was she going to take his laptop? She couldn't, it's the only escape he has! It's how he deals with school and how he researches and how he found the people who practically raised him! she can't!
“W- why is i- it ‘ew’? What d- does that m- mean? ” he asks, hoping to get some kind of explanation, a chance to explain himself at the very least.
“It's gross.” she left no room for argument, “Promise me you’ll stop watching stuff like that or I’ll have to take your laptop”
He agreed, what else could he have done? Argue? Yeah right, sure, and get his things taken away.
So he agreed, said what she wanted to hear, and changed the subject, just relieved that it was over
[But still. Late at night he would shake, from anger or fear or shame, he wasn't sure.
But he thought about all the time he had spent enjoying a video on that game after a hard day, or geeking out about how cool someone else’s interpretation of it was, or thinking about to distract himself as he bandaged his own burns
But he thought about Mom’s voice as she declared what had given him so much gross, how it had ripped out a piece of his heart where the freedom of being able to share himself had been
But he thought about how he had stopped watching anything related to it for a few months, how he had felt ashamed anytime he saw a video on it in his recommended section, how getting back into it felt like walking on nails
He thought about how sad he was for those few months.
He thought about how easy lying had become.]
______________________
[age 15]
Izuku smiled as he listened to Tsu happily talk about this anime she liked, interspersed with ribbits and bites of her lunch.
All of his friends had such cool interests! Jiro had talked about the bands she liked, Uraraka had her manga, Shoji and Todoroki both liked the same game and were now talking about it outside of the main conversation, even Iida had mentioned a show he particularly liked!
He was one of the only ones of their group to not share yet, he wanted to, but he couldn't help but feel nervous. He wasn't even sure why! He knew none of his friends would judge him for it, but he still couldn't get himself to say anything.
Anytime he tried, it felt like his throat closed up and stole the words from under his tongue, leaving him just frozen sitting there.
He hates it
How was he supposed to connect with people if he couldn't even tell them one thing he liked? Is he so inept that he can't even say what kind of music he liked?
His friends are so cool, surely they had never felt like this
He was snapped out of his anxiety-fueled zone-out by a monotone and tired voice, “Bunny? You good?”
Shinsou. After the sports festival the boy had quickly been adopted by their little group, and under their careful and sometimes [often] teasing watch, he had flourished. Gotten more comfortable in himself and in his spot in 1-A
Izuku felt himself flush at the nickname, they had all taken to calling him that after Shinsou pointed out the ‘bunny ears’ on his costume and it never failed to fluster him
[to be called a nice nickname! By his friends! By someone as cool as Shinsou! ]
“Oh- yeah I'm fine, sorry! What were you saying?”
“I was asking if you wanted to talk about something you liked too, you've been pretty quiet since we started talking about it” Shinsou still sounded as bored as ever, but weeks of knowing him let Izuku hear the concern in his voice, in the way his gaze did not wander from him, in the way his usual minor fidgeting had stilled
“O- oh! I. um… i-” he tried, he really did, but he couldn't get the words out. He looked at his tray of food as his face burned in shame, he couldn't answer one simple question? And now he was wasting Shinsou’s time and he was stuttering again, and-
“I can hear you panicking in there,” Shinsou emphasised the sentence with a light tap to the head that snapped him out of it yet again, “Wanna go talk in the hallway?”
Izuku thought on it for a second before nodding hesitantly, maybe if he talked about it he could figure out why it was so hard for him? Maybe if he told Shinsou it would be easier to tell others? And it was kinda loud in the cafeteria anyway
The walk there was quiet, save for the occasional pair of footsteps echoing down the halls
[they had both long learned how to move silently. Despite how they knew they were safe now, habits that deeply ingrained were hard to break]
But it wasn't uncomfortable, more so just… patiently expectant
When they found a sufficiently out of the way bench and sat down, it was Izuku who first spoke,
“This feels silly, it's not like i’m having a breakdown or something”
“Yeah, but it's still bothering you”
A pause
“This is about not being able to talk about your interests, right?”
A nod
“...what did people you've shared them with before say about them?”
And then it hit him. His mom. She had scolded him for liking a game, she had acted like he was only allowed to be a teenager if ‘teenager’ meant a little kid who could get groceries, she had made him like this
He felt something wet on his cheek. Was he crying? He wouldn't be surprised.
Shinsou kindly didn't point it out
“...badly. My mom, she had found out I liked a horror game and said it was gross, ” his voice wavered, the pain he felt two years ago coming back to him full force, “sh- she made me promise to n- never like stuff like that again or she’d take m- my laptop, b- but of course, that didn't r- really stop me. Just- just made me better at lying”
“Any o- other time she almost found o- out I liked something- something similar I was a- able to lie around it. Was still scary though”
They were both silent for a moment, Izuku still reeling from his revelation and Shinsou figuring out what to say that could help
“Her preferences aren't worth you feeling so bad, Bunny. You're crying. ” he finally spoke
Izuku opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. He wasn't even sure what he would say, defend his mom? Say it was fine? Neither of those things would be true
“Its ok to have dark or ‘cringy’ interests, its ok to be different from what she or anyone wants you to be” Shinsou had changed his usually sarcastic tone to be more genuine, he could see that Izuku needed it, no matter how different it was for him, “none of us will judge you or make fun of you. And if they do, I'll punch them.”
Izuku looked up to him with tearful eyes, searching for any sign of insincerity but finding none, and crumpled into his arms when a hug was offered
[maybe someday he’ll know how to feel, maybe someday he’ll be able to be earnest without fear, maybe someday he won't feel the need to hide his screen when someone walks into the room
But today, he’ll cry, and today, he’ll tell them about his favorite show with a tremor in his voice and tears in his eyes when they accept it without question or ridicule and smile on his face when he holds hands under the table with a certain smug purple boy]