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Everything was going just fine until Lu Guang couldn't remember where he was. There was a stretched moment of silence as he stood, and looked around him. He knew that he knew. The photos on the wall, the bookshelves. A sofa, worn, comfortable.
He knew this. But he... just couldn't remember.
There was a pounding in his head and a blur in his vision that was related. It had to be.
"—uang? Lu Guang? Hey, what's going on with you?" A voice. He knew that voice. Or...his body certainly thought he knew that voice. A warmth grew from his navel and spread out to each extremity. Wow. Unfortunately, this newfound feeling was cut short by a hand on his shoulder. Rough, but caring.
"You're scaring me. What is going on with you? Why are you just staring off into space like that? You don't look very good." This voice belonged to an angel. He was certain of it. An angel with the softest brown eyes. The hand was still on his shoulder, which was good, for the room was starting to move.
"Stop...moving like that." His voice grated out of him, uncomfortable against his throat. He most certainly was not an angel.
"Moving? We're both standing still." A cool hand was placed against his cheek. "Woah you're burning up. I gotta get you to bed.” The hands slid around his waist, the eyes full of concern. “Can you walk? I could probably carry you, it isn’t far.”
Lu Guang blinked slowly, turning to search the face. It was familiar. “Who...” His angel didn’t respond, or give any indication that anything had been said at all. The room spun as he was carefully guided to a bed.
“You’ll have to sleep in mine, I can’t get you up the ladder. Just lay down, I’ll get the supplies.”
He did as he was told, falling asleep as soon as his aching head hit the pillow.
“I couldn’t...I couldn’t live without you, don’t you see? How? How was I supposed to go on knowing that you were...”
A look of horror. Fear. Disgust. A step back, then another.
“No. No please, d–”
“Don’t go.”
A comforting squeeze of the hand. A tired chuckle. “I’m not going anywhere, Guang Guang. Going to stay right here until you get better.” There was a cool sensation on his throbbing head as the cold cloth was replaced. “I think you must have gotten sick from getting boba out in the rain the other day.”
Lu Guang opened his eyes, blinking away the bleariness. “Cheng Xiaoshi?” Of course. His brown-eyed angel. Who else would it have been? How could he have forgotten? Was it because of...no...that couldn’t be right. He frowned, closing his eyes again. “I thought...”
“Hm?” Lu Guang could feel him lean in closer. He hated how his body reacted to the sudden shift. The closeness. “Thought what?”
“You hated me.”
“What?” He nearly recoiled, sitting back. “Why would I hate you? This has got to be the fever talking. Just get some more sleep, okay?”
Lu Guang didn’t respond as sleep tugged him back. Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t like people who lied. Didn’t like villains. Of course he hated Lu Guang. He just didn’t know it yet.
“You should have let me die, you know. The world would be better off. I would be better off.”
He wasn’t real.
He wasn’t sitting across from him.
The hallucination stood and sauntered over to where Lu Guang sat. He plucked the photo from his hands and tore it in half. “Too bad. So sad. Too late to save me this time. You’re running out of photos.”
Inhale.
Exhale.
He wasn’t real.
Cheng Xiaoshi was fine.
Cheng Xiaoshi was alive.
“You never even asked me what I wanted. Did you think I would thank you? Did you think this would make me love you? You never even asked. Never stopped to think. Bringing me back to life time and time again. You’re so selfish. You only ever did this for yourself.”
Not real.
Not real.
“You’re not real.”
Tears and sweat soaked into the pillow. Cheng Xiaoshi chewed on his bottom lip as he replaced the towel on Lu Guang’s forehead.
“Course I’m real. And I’m not gonna let you forget it.” The wavering in his voice betrayed the optimism he was trying to convey. Cheng Xiaoshi was worried. “I need you to get better Lu Guang. If you don’t...I’m going to mess up all of your books in the living room.”
How many Dives had it been? How many times had he done this same song and dance? He was tired. When would it be enough? When would the timeline stick?
He could still feel the coldness of Cheng Xiaoshi’s body the first time he felt him slip away. His blood, so much blood. He never felt clean.
Every time he closed his eyes he could see it. Feel it. Smell it. There was so much blood. How could he let him stay that way? How could they take him away? Bury him? Didn’t they know Cheng Xiaoshi was afraid of the dark? Afraid of being alone? You can’t leave him alone. You can’t take him away. Please don’t take him away.
I’m afraid of the dark too.
“And then when I was eight, Qiao Ling and I broke a window. I-It wasn’t my fault,” his laugh was still a bit uncertain. His hand, gripping Lu Guang’s a touch too tightly. “She’d never admit it. But it was all her fault. But she...hey, you’re awake! How are you feeling?”
Lu Guang blinked a few times, his eyes struggling to focus on Cheng Xiaoshi. “I forgot who you were. When you helped me to bed...I had no idea...no idea who you were. Just that you were some guardian angel. But you were so angry at me. I really thought...”
“Lu Guang, I’m not angry at you. I could never–”
“You hate me for what I did!”
“Hey, hey.” He held his hands up defensively. “I don’t hate you. What did you even do?” He stared into Lu Guang’s eyes. “Lu Guang, what did you do?”
A tear slid down his cheek, followed by another. The third was caught by nimble fingers. They softly cupped his cheek. “Talk to me. Please?”
“I...” He closed his eyes and turned his head. Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand followed the movement. His thumb rubbing reassuring circles across his jaw. “I broke the rules to save your life. You died. And you died. And you died. And you...you keep dying. I can’t stop you from dying.”
“Hey, hey look at me.” Lu Guang resisted the command, keeping his eyes forced shut. There was a sigh, then a dip in the mattress as Cheng Xiaoshi climbed into the bed next to him. Strong arms encircled his body. “Lu Guang feel that? I’m alive. You hear my heartbeat? Strong as an ox. I’m not dead. I’ve never been dead.”
“You were shot. I went back in time.”
“Where was I shot?”
“In the heart.”
Cheng Xiaoshi shifted, shrugging out of his jacket, followed by his shirt. “Open your eyes.” This time, Lu Guang obliged, the sight nearly took his breath away. The world was spinning for reasons beyond the fever. His gaze slid down his chest, then back up into Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes. There was a blush on his cheeks. “Now, give me your hand.”
Without waiting for a response, he took the hand, placing it against his bare chest, right above his heart. “See? No gunshot. No scar. Nothing. I’m fine. It was all a bad dream. And even if it wasn’t, I think it’s noble that you’d sacrifice the world for me. Very unlike you, but noble all the same.” He grinned. “Almost like you like me or something!”
Lu Guang ran his fingers lightly over the unmarred skin. If only it was just a dream like Cheng Xiaoshi said. But he knew the truth.
Lu Guang scooted closer to Cheng Xiaoshi, the other wrapping him up tightly in his arms. Comfort. Safety. Home.
He closed his eyes, feeling sleep calling for him once more.
“Cheng Xiaoshi?”
“Hm?”
“Please don’t go.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Do you promise?”
“Yeah, Lu Guang. I promise.”