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Kunikida was on autopilot when he walked straight to Katai’s house. As soon as he woke up, he’d snuck out through his window and wandered over as though it was the weekend. Before he made a fool of himself and knocked on the door though, he realised their car wasn’t in the driveway. And then it hit him. It was a Wednesday. He didn’t need to sneak out because his parents were working. He was so focused on the ‘I-don’t-have-school-today’ of the whole situation, he forgot that the rest of the world didn’t follow behind him blindly at every turn.
His parents had already left for work by the time he returned home. There was a boot print left on his bedroom door which he could only guess was his father’s gentle attempt to wake him up. He took the time to wash the door clean with a damp rag and, while he was at it, tackled the dishes in the sink. It was one less thing to yell at him over if he decided to do something stupid later in the day. Or, if he’d gone and disappeared again. He may have had the urge to disappear again… And so maybe it was a selfish level of protection that he even took the time to vacuum the lounge and do a round of laundry. Of course, none of this meant he was allowed to leave without permission and return as he pleased, but at least it would soften his overt rebellion.
He did the best he could to catch up on some school work before he felt like he might die if he spent even a second more in this house all by himself. It wasn’t even that he liked people. He didn’t. He liked particular people on occasion, but overall, most people didn’t appeal to him. That wasn’t to say he detested humanity though, he didn’t. He loved the inherent goodness humanity possessed and the power that it gave everyone to perpetuate that goodness. But the thing about people is that they were always so willing to combat that goodness and try and prove Kunikida wrong.
The only thing he liked less than people though, were the thoughts in his own head that bubbled up and refused to quiet down when there was no one else around to drown them out.
Kunikida pulled out his phone and typed in a message. As soon as it was sent, he grabbed his keys and his wallet and headed out the door.
He’d gotten way too used to walking through this part of town. The men in masks with a bulge on their belt hardly phased him anymore, as concerning as that was. There were groups of children who exited shops with armfuls of candy; it would have been a nice sight, to see a kid so happy, but it also became apparent that kids with parents would never be allowed to do such a thing, and children without parents didn’t tend to have the most disposable income to acquire their sweets by legal means. While he never trusted that he actually had the mafia on his side, he tended not to worry about his own safety anymore. He didn’t look flashy enough to be a high profile target and he was tall for his age which gave him an intimidation factor anyway. On top of that, he tended not to be alone.
“What the hell are you doing out here at this time of day?” A voice asked him with an air of curiosity.
Kunikida turned to see exactly who he expected. They managed to sneak up on him every time. He hadn’t gotten better at anticipating them, yet. He wasn’t sure he ever would.
“Yeah, Dazai just woke up,” Chuuya chuckled.
“It’s midday?” Kunikida raised an eyebrow.
“I had a busy night!” Dazai exclaimed.
“We had the same night, dipshit,” Chuuya snapped back.
Dazai almost growled at him but instead deferred the attention to Kunikida, hoping to be clear of some embarrassment. “So, Kunikida-kun, why are you here? Is school out for the year?”
“Nah…” Kunikida sighed. Even though he knew who he was talking to, his gaze fell to the ground. It was like he was bracing himself for judgement. “Got suspended… Again…”
“Suspended?” Dazai just blinked at him, “What for?”
“Fighting…” Kunikida mumbled, “Again…”
“Well, what’d the guy do?” Chuuya tilted his head.
Kunikida looked up at him, “Huh?”
“Well, you fought him for a reason, didn’t ya?”
No one ever asked him that when he told them he’d gotten in trouble again. They’d gotten tired of asking. They’d gotten tired of trying to understand. No matter how many times he was told he needed to learn to let things go and stop escalating trivial things, he could never learn how to actually do that. So, whenever his parents or teachers or whoever heard about yet another incident he’d been involved in, they tended to roll their eyes and move on far easier than Kunikida ever could.
“Does it matter?” Kunikida asked, “I’d get punished the same if he wasn’t the biggest prick the world had ever seen…”
“Mm, yes, but we would like to know the intimate details of the drama…” Dazai said, “Was he hogging an arcade machine?”
Kunikida gave Dazai a playful nudge. “I wouldn’t do something stupid over something like that.”
“Much to your misfortune,” Dazai giggled.
“Yeah,” Kunikida sighed with a slight smile, “you got that right…”
“So, what was it?” Chuuya chimed in.
“God, you’re both so nosy… My misfortunes…”
“Just tell us,” Dazai pleaded.
Kunikida sighed. “He was making fun of a girl.”
Dazai and Chuuya tilted their heads.
“That’s it?” Chuuya asked.
“What, do you have a crush on her or something?”
“What?!” Kunikida roared, “No! We’ve never even met!”
“Then… Why’d you fight for her?” Dazai asked.
“You know, sometimes I truly believe you’re heartless…” Kunikida grumbled.
“What did the guy say about her?” Chuuya asked.
“Well, he… He was basically calling her a slut… Saying she’d slept with every guy in school. STD-ridden and whatever,” Kunikida clenched his fist at the memory, “One, I know that’s not true. I haven’t slept with her. Neither has Katai. So, it’s not only factually incorrect but, even if she had, literally what’s it to him?!” Kunikida took a breath, feeling his rage returning to him. “She looked… so uncomfortable… and upset… I… Well, I walked up to him and broke his nose.”
“Did you actually?!” Chuuya asked with a sparkle in his eye.
Kunikida nodded. “Family said I was lucky they didn’t have enough evidence to press charges. No witnesses came forward so it was just my word against his. Not enough to do anything with. Calculated risk, of course.”
“Mm… Sounds so very calculated…” Dazai hummed with a smirk.
“It was! It was behind the buildings where there were no cameras, I threatened the life out of his asshole goons so they wouldn’t say shit, and I even washed the blood off my knuckles before anyone noticed.”
“Still got suspended though,” Chuuya pointed out.
“Well, yeah, because obviously, it was me who did it… Just not legally…” Kunkida mumbled, making Dazai and Chuuya giggle slightly.
“Have we been terrible influences on the sweet and innocent, Kunikida-kun?” Dazai said.
“No, but I’m sure everyone in my life would like to blame it on you if they could,” Kunikida said, “They’re running out of explanations for me.”
“What’s there to explain?!” Chuuya said, “Guy was bein’ an asshole, you were the only one who did anything! I don’t get what’s so hard to understand?”
Kunikida smiled a little bit. It was nice for someone to get it.
Dazai hummed, “You two are going to get yourself into something stupid if you act without thinking so often…” He shrugged. “That’s just like you…”
“Well, what would you have done, dumbass?” Chuuya rolled his eyes.
“I wouldn’t have wasted my time on it to begin with but, if I were going to…” Dazai rubbed his chin cartoonishly as he pretended to think, “Well… I suppose it would have been effective to find out just how many people he’d slept with and expose the fact that it was 0. If it was one, I’m sure she’d love to anonymously spout, in detail, how underwhelming it was. Then maybe I’d poison him with some kind of hallucinogenic — if I can’t make a fool of him, I’m sure he’d do the work for me.” Dazai grinned. “Of course, it’d be much easier to make sure none of this traces back to me. Hence, he would be punished as he deserved and I wouldn’t be suspended.”
Kunikida and Chuuya took a moment to look at each other, relieved to find they weren’t the only one thinking that was over the top and stupid.
“Kunikida, I say this with your best interest in mind,” Chuuya sighed, “Just keep punchin’ people…”
---
Kunikida really needed to stop walking home so late at night. Even if Dazai and Chuuya walked him back to the city, the dark residential streets still had an eeriness about them. Not that Kunikida was scared. He wasn’t. Ghosts didn’t exist and therefore, the idea of something inhuman following him all the way home didn’t plague his every thought and, even if it did, it wouldn’t scare him because it obviously was not possible. Regardless, there may have been a slight tension in his shoulders. Whether it was from the walk home, the leaving two people he didn’t hate being around anymore, or the anticipation of getting there, this was always the least favourite part of his day.
He always found it a bit funny that one of the greatest punishments a school dealt out was just depriving you of your own education. It made sense in the fact that education was a privilege but he suspected most people regularly getting suspended did not consider education the same way. He wasn’t among that group. But still, it was almost nice to get away from it every now and then. His world felt smaller and smaller the longer he spent trapped there — that was why spending time with Dazai and Chuuya was so refreshing.
If he made it through high school, there was a much bigger world out there for him to tackle. His desperation to grow up often clashed with the fact that he was so anxious about what that meant for him. He knew he was wishing his youth away and that scared him. But he didn’t know how much longer he could handle being just a kid.
“Hey, Kunikida!”
Kunikida felt his blood run cold. He recognised the voice immediately. It was one of the friends of that kid he beat up. He didn’t know any of the guys’ names. They were from another class and he hadn’t given them the respect of bothering to learn.
He turned to the voice and was confronted with three boys his age. He was taller than all of them and was confident he could take any of them individually. The problem was, they weren’t alone. And they weren’t trembling with the shock of seeing their friend drowning in his own blood. They were calm. And they were confronting him. Kunikida didn’t like his odds.
Walking by the slums and through the port wasn’t a problem for him anymore. But this might have been. These guys weren’t looking for a high profile target to rob blind; they were looking for Kunikida to hurt. And Kunikida was alone now…
“What the fuck do you guys want?” Kunikida spat with false confidence.
“We wanted to have a talk with you,” one of them said.
“I have nothing to say,” Kunikida grumbled.
“Then you can listen.”
The three slowly walked forward. Kunikida lifted his chin and stood his ground. There was a chance this ended up okay. But running wasn’t the way that was going to happen. The second these guys felt like they had one over on him, they’d strike. If he did not waver, there was a chance they’d slip up and he’d be okay. Maybe. He hoped.
“Do you guys know where I live? How’d you find me?” Kunikida asked.
“N… No, we…” the guy tried to think of an excuse but his thoughts were running in circles like an idiot dog chasing its tail.
“So, you just followed me then? That’s pathetic…” Kunikida scoffed. “Did one of you take the day off school and everything? I’d be flattered if it wasn’t a bit creepy. Maybe I should be anyway — I’m pretty sure this is how you’d show affection too — it’s clear you’re pretty poorly adjusted—”
Kunikida was quickly silenced as he met eyes with someone he couldn’t argue with. The metal reflected the moonlight and blinded him for a moment. This idiot brought a knife.
“Shut the fuck up already, would you?!” the guy snapped. “You have no business running your mouth so much! You’re just a friendless loser — you don’t get to talk all big! Being a lone wolf doesn’t fuckin’ protect you, you know!”
Kunikida took a breath, making the effort to keep it steady. These guys were cowards. They’d never actually do anything that dangerous. Beating Kunikida up they could cover up easily. Killing a kid in a residential area, they would not have the same luck with. It was just a game in order to put him in his place.
“I’m not a lone wolf, I just don’t like hanging around assholes and cowards like you,” Kunikida said.
“What?!”
“Where’d you get your pretty little knife, huh? Did your girlfriend buy it for you?” Kunikida tried to hide his smirk, “Wait, that joke doesn’t work — as if any girl would ever give you a second of her time. My bad.”
“You—!” He pointed the knife towards Kunikida.
Kunikida took another breath. He’d been spending too much time with Dazai and Chuuya, he couldn’t help but antagonise whoever was standing in front of him, especially if he hated them. He was escalating the situation… He didn’t know how to deescalate it…
“Where the fuck does this misguided righteousness come from?! What the fuck are you?! You’re not a damn cop or somethin’, you’re an idiot high schooler just like we are! What fucking psycho gets off on enacting justice in that shithole?! Who the fuck raised you?!” He lowered the knife to Kunikida’s abdomen. Kunikida felt the tip of the blade graze him, making him shiver. “I don’t fuckin’ get you but I know you make me sick.”
“I make you sick because you don’t know how to face your own selfishness,” Kunikida growled, “You don’t know how to face the disgusting little thing you are and so you hate me instead. Fuckin’ go ahead and stab me and prove to me just how horrible you are. I dare you.”
Kunikida cringed at what he was saying. Mostly because… the fire in the guy’s eyes wasn’t something he should have been messing with.
Kunikida felt the moment his life was over. It was a cold, sharp pain that swept right through him. He’d never felt anything like this before. He’d never been in so much pain before. He would have thought that something like this would cause him to scream — he knew the best chance of being saved was to yell as loud as he could for help — but he was silent. Instead, he clenched his jaw so hard he began to taste blood.
When he thought he’d understood the scope of the pain, the blade was pulled out of him and he immediately collapsed to his knees. The rest of his brain shut off when he felt it, like all he could do was listen to the scream of the nerves in his stomach. He squeezed himself as tightly as he could with his shaking arms, feeling as though it was the only thing he could do to subsidise any of the pain he felt. It didn’t work. He took a look at his hand and watched the black liquid that escaped from him shimmer in the moonlight. It was an omen of his death.
“Fuck.” The boy held the knife up in front of him like it was a foreign object. Blood dripped like rain as it fell from the blade. “Guys.”
There was a shuffling and a panic that Kunikida didn’t hear. He was distracted. He couldn’t think at all. He was convinced it was because he’d already lost so much blood that his brain wasn’t getting any oxygen anymore. He tried to breathe but he felt like he was drowning. He couldn’t hear the sound of the group’s footsteps as they just blended into the deafening sound of his own rapid heartbeat, but he could sense he was now alone.
Oh my god, he was going to die alone.
He felt some of the water his body should have been using to produce more blood instead fill his eyes. He wasn’t sure why he was crying. He was glad those assholes weren’t here to see it. But no one ever really saw him cry — It wasn’t until after he’d scared them off with his rage that he’d actually break down in any meaningful way. It must have been the pain he was in that pulled this reaction from him. But he didn’t know what sort of pain was the one that tipped him over the edge.
He didn’t know what he could possibly do. So, he didn’t do anything. He slowly and pathetically moved to lie down on his back. He wiped one of his hands on his shirt and brought it up to his face, shielding himself even when he knew there was no one here to see him. He supposed maybe God or something might have been looking… or whoever it was that determined fate… and he figured he should save face until they decided.
As his heartbeat began to echo, like someone had turned up the reverb on an audio track, he closed his eyes. He felt three things drip down his body and pool on the ground — a tear from each eye, and yet another snake of blood. God, he was going to die… God! God… There was no God here… He didn’t think…
He jumped as he felt a hand on his arm and another one on his chest. He opened his eyes wide and thought he must have been seeing things.
“Fuck… Kuni…” Chuuya’s voice was shaking with worry.
“Can you still hear us, Kunikida-kun?” Dazai’s voice was the same calm coldness it always was.
Kunikida blinked a little, feeling more tears fly off his eyelashes. “How did you…” he swallowed down the blood in his mouth that erupted when he talked, “Why are you…?”
“Dazai had a ‘hunch’,” Chuuya sighed.
“We got held up in traffic. Sorry, we’re so late,” Dazai said, sweetly.
“A… Am I… dying…?” Kunikida’s voice was weak.
Dazai let out a gentle laugh. “No… You’re not dying. I’m sure it feels like it, but you’re just the dramatic type.”
“Never been stabbed, huh?” Chuuya said, way too casually.
“No…” Kunikida squeaked.
“Congrats then, you’re a badass now,” Chuuya smirked.
Kunikida did not feel like a badass.
“Alright, Kunikida-kun…” Dazai had been fiddling with something but Kunikida hadn’t been watching. “Would you breathe this in for me? It’s going to make you fall asleep and then, when you wake up, you’re going to be completely fine, okay? Can you do that for me?”
“Wh… What if…” Kunikida scrunched his nose, “Is it poison…?”
Dazai laughed, “I’m not going to poison you, don’t be silly.”
“I don’t want to die…” Kunikida said, pathetically.
“Chuuya’s not gonna let anyone kill you,” Dazai said, “And I’m not going to let you die… Okay?”
Kunikida looked up at the two of them. He didn’t have any other options. But even if he did, he realised he wouldn’t choose something else. There was something more reliable than a god on his right. There was something capable of working more miracles than a god on his left. He didn’t know when he’d gone and placed his life in their hands but, for whatever reason, it was now that he knew he was going to be okay.
He did his best to nod. The two of them smiled at him as if he needed any more reassurance. Dazai gently brought a thin rag up to Kunikida’s nose. He didn’t smother him, he just held it there. Kunikida felt himself being tenderly guided towards unconsciousness. And he was certain it wasn’t death’s embrace. It was much too soft. It was much too kind. It was one of the most peaceful sleeps Kunikida had ever slipped into. It must have been because, despite what the situation may have looked like — to be bleeding out, in the dark, in front of two mafia members — this was the safest Kunikida had felt in his life.