Tears prick his eyes as he yawns. He tells himself that was the only reason his eyes watered. The cab hums as it glides over the cracked asphalt, jolting him and the hot summer wind blows in his face, hair clinging to his face. " You'll always be our little girl". The words rang in his ear. He tightens his grip on the wheel, he couldn't stand that house anymore. It was suffocating him. He was drowning but all they did was push him deeper into the water, as the hand he clung to for safety only held his face under the water, smiling as he was dying. He wondered how long it would have been before he died, how long it would take for them to realise they never helped him. 

He holds his hand out the window. The wind rushes through his fingers. For a few moments, everything is fine, he can pretend like everything is, everything is how it should be, h ow he wishes it could be. He focuses on the road ahead of him, he tries to forget the road behind him and never look back. He wants to be happy, it’ll take time but he is angry, so angry. He doesn't want to be but he can't help it. Why couldn't his parents just understand? He wishes they did. All he wanted was for them to actually care about him and who he was rather than the person they wanted him to be. He couldn't be that for them. It was killing him. 

He steps on the gas, barreling down the empty freeway, finally not giving a fuck . "I'm not her anymore" he murmurs. He wants to shout it from the rooftops, he wants to scream and cry, tear his hair out, drive faster than he ever has, faster than anyone ever has, to stomp down on the accelerator and drive till everything turns to a blurry mess.

He drives and drives, watching as the speedometer climbs higher. He speeds away from his old life, one he never fit into. Maybe he’ll find himself somewhere out here, among the trees, the small towns, the cities, the oceans vaster than he could imagine. Once he feared he would never escape the hell hole where he grew up but he was free now, nothing holding him back except his own mind. 

Shade spills into the car once again as the trees fill in. The sun flashes in his eyes as he passes each tree, it's dizzying. It would be so badass if I were a smoker right now, smoke trailing out the window as the wind blows my hair in my eyes. He laughs at himself. He likes to imagine that he’s someone else, with different parents, a different life, how good it could have been. 

The unrelenting heat cools as the last bits of sun die out. His first week alone. The clouds are beautiful, the sun reflects off them painting them shades of pink and orange. Some indie band blasts on the radio, his car lurches as he barrels over a pothole, his stomach twists. 

He would never get over the feeling of the wind in his face. He waves his hand in the air, he holds it flat, it catches the wind and glides upward. His outgrown hair whips his face as he speeds down the empty cold road, he goes faster than he should, faster than he's ever gone before. This was as close as he could get to flying, he could imagine he was. Tall pine trees line the road, so thick he can hardly see through them. He wondered what was in the woods.. Being in this truck, by himself, finally free, he feels alive like he never has before. This is the start of the rest of his life, and he is so ready for it.

The moon takes its place in the sky by the stars as the earth spins to face it. He looks in awe at the sky, at the stars. He wondered what the sky would look like if humans didn't overrun the planet, but at least he could see any stars at all. In the city all you see is a black sky, devoid of any beauty, light pollution is a bitch. He could get lost in the vastness of it all. It made him feel small, Grian is unsure if it’s a comfort or makes him sad, nothing he does will ever matter, so why not live to make yourself happy.

Something moves in the corner of his vision, his eyes jerk back to the road, a deer leaps in front of his path, bounding across the melted asphalt not realising the danger it's put the both of them in, Grians nerves jump, his body tenses, preparing for the worst, “ Shit!”   He slams on the brakes, swerving out of the way and he’s going too fast, he careens to the side.  

His tires run off the smooth road into the bumpy grass and the dirt. his heart thuds in his chest, this could be it, gone, dead. All it took was one deer. Grian yanks the steering wheel, too hard, too fast, slowdownslowdownslowdown slow doWN SLOW DOWN, his car climbs back up on the road, running wild in a zigzag motion as he straightens out. 

He gulps down air, he feels his heartbeat in his ears. His hands grip the steering wheel tightly, he doesnt think he can let go. “Fucking hell,” he mutters. Grian presses the brake lightly. Maybe it's time to stop looking at the stars. I'm gonna get myself killed before I even get anywhere. 

Would that be so bad….

He glances at the tall trees, dark green leaves sway in the breeze, he glares at the herd of deer that stand at the edge of the forest, they turn their heads to follow him as he zooms by, his heart still racing in his chest. He thinks back to the breathing techniques his sister taught him. In… you’re okay, you’re okay, you’re safe, out… feel the seat beneath you, it's okay, in… 

Grian slowly works a hand off the steering wheel, tearing his grip from the wheel, plucking his nails from where they’ve dug into the worn leather. He stretches his hand, regaining control of his fingers. He returns his hand to the wheel and starts on the other, slowly unwinding his brain  so he can move again. He should probably pull over and take a break but the constant humm of the truck keeps his brain from spiralling even more, did he make a mistake leaving, where was he going to go, he was alone, he’s so alone. Don't leave me, please. 

He takes a shaky breath and tries to shove the thoughts away, to quiet their screams, they never leave him. He stares longingly at the treeline, at the forest, the strong trees. Memories of old tire swings, and golden days, hazed over with nostalgia, childhood laughs, untainted by the pain of the real world, and dickheads who push and shove.

 He missed the days he would climb up trees with his neighbourhood friends, the way he would pretend to get stuck so he could stay outside just a few minutes longer. He missed the way Pearl would climb up after him and ‘save’ him, the way she would smile when she reached him knowing he could get down by himself if he really wanted.

Fond memories that taste like grandma's sweet herbal tea, the way he would lump huge spoonfuls of honey in his mouth when he thought she wasn't looking. The way grandma would pretend she had no idea why the entire jar of it would be gone when it came time for him to go home.

He looks at the trees, a smile tugging at his lips, but he ruins the small moment of peace as his mind wanders. Grian stares at the trees, trying to hold onto the warm memories, his grasp slipping and he watches them fall from his mind.

Grian stares at the trees and wonders if they would be strong enough to catch him, he imagines speeding towards them accelerator pressed parallel to the floor, he imagines hitting the trees, once again returning to the earth, to feel them wrap around him, around the car, what it would feel like to not exist anymore and GOD, he was so fucking stupid, cant even be free of the thoughts for more than five goddamn minutes. His eyes well up with tears, why cant he think without that happening, he tries desperately to purge his mind. He doesn't need his own mind betraying him either.

Grian rakes his hand through his hair and cranks the music up. He distracts himself with the need to find a place to stay soon, or a place to park his car for the night. He drums his fingers to the beat, calming down and trying to avoid thinking too hard. 

He misses his bed, his sister, and her big stupid dog, his best friend. He misses exit after exit as he absentmindedly drives, falling into what feels like a transe. He just drones on and on, the steady thrum of the truck, his only companion. It sings its own kind of song, a prayer, to whom he wasn't sure. 

“ We’ll pray for you, surely this phase will pass. We love you”. He grits his teeth, the memory of the words still stings more than he’d like to admit. Grian presses harder on the gas, faster, faster, the need to get away from it all tears him apart, but he never truly would, it will always be there, lingering in the corners of his mind. He can never erase all the pain they caused, but he sure as hell could tell them to shove their words up their ass.

His eyes start to droop. There's only a short while to the next town, gotta stay awake, gotta stay awake. Grian jolted when the car started to slow and sputter out like a dying fly. “What?”

“Oh nono nono no, Goddammit!” he bangs his fists against the steering wheel. His hands tingle in pain as the vibrations ripple up his arms. “Just a little while longer, there's only 5 miles left, not now” he pleads. He screams as he pulls over. Just perfect. He was out of gas. He should have stopped to top up but of course he didn't, because why would he think ahead . He mutters incoherent curses under his breath. He’d never been one to think ahead so of course he’s stranded himself on an old beaten down road with street lights only being a glittering promise in the distance.

He slams the door as he stomps over to the trunk. He grabs the gas can he already knows is empty. He shakes it anyways, nothing more than a few drops. He looks around at the empty road, no cars for miles, trees everywhere, only one way to go. His love of the empty road shifted more towards loathing as it was now the thing coming to bite him in the ass. He sighs and takes the first step forward, the first of many. All he wants to do is sleep, he’s so tired. He contemplated passing out in his truck on the side of the road and going to get gas in the morning but he doesn’t want to deal with any of this tomorrow. 

Grian looks up at the green sign, pausing for just a moment. Five miles- Astolia. The asphalt is cold on his feet, the wind grazes his face, he shivers. He doesn't like being outside and alone at night. 

He walks down the road realising just how dark it is. No street lights light his path and he resigns to using his phone flash to keep him from tripping, praying it wont die on him too. He walks into the void of darkness, pressing forward towards the town ahead. He sees lit up windows in old houses and what looks to be an apartment building. Grian wonders what goes on in those houses, if loving parents chide at their children to go to bed. He wonders if they tuck their kids in, listening to their indignant chatter, if they kiss them on the foreheads and tuck them in and Grian wishes he had that. 

He wonders if partners dance in their kitchens, swaying from side to side as they move to quiet music, and it makes him all the more lonely as the only thing reminding himself that he is real and he exists at this moment is the pat of his footsteps on the rocky ground.

His heart longs for someone, a friend, a partner, a lover, a family, his sister, someone who cares about him. Sometimes he wonders if he’s just destined to watch as others live the lives he wishes he had. Grian imagines a future where he is loved, where he has someone to love. 

The cicadas screech in the otherwise quiet night as he walks forward, the gas can bumping on his leg every so often with a hollow thunk and it turns into some sort of rhythm, a symphony only for him. It's as hypnotic as the waves crashing on the shore, like if he closes his eyes he could teleport there, that the steady pat, pat, pat, of his footsteps will lead him to the sandy beach on a welcoming cloudy day. He hums at the thought.

An unfamiliar sound knocks him out of his head, it follows after him, taking long strides, he stops, Grians body tighten up as all the worst things climb though his mind. Is someone following him? He has the uncanny feeling of being watched… No, no that can't be right, he’s all alone out here, he hasn't even seen any cars , the noise stops as he does. He whips his head to see who or what it was…nobody is there. Grian stands there pointing his light out in the dark, looking like a lunatic. His head spins, he doesnt feel so good, it must be in his head, he really needs to sleep.

___

He follows the lights of the town. It looks like a scene from a horror movie and it doesn't help that he feels he’s losing his grip on reality, too sleep deprived to think, exhausted for driving days on end. His feet ache. He makes his way to the first gas station he spots which wasn't hard as it was one of the first things he saw as he approached the quaint forest side town.

A bell rings overhead as he steps in the door. Bugs buzz around the yellow fluorescent lights like hungry wolves. Don't they know there's no point? No, they don't, and they would never learn. He wonders how many people live their lives like those bugs, who keep flying back to the artificial light to guide them, the light that gives them nothing but they don't care, they keep going back till they finally die.

“Late night?” an unfamiliar voice greets him, bringing him out of his thoughts, back to the cool linoleum tile below his bare feet and tacky chequered walls that have probably been plastered to the walls longer than he’s been alive, surrounding him.

“Huh?” Grian turns his head to find a short old man. “Oh yeah, I guess.” He scratches behind his ear, not sure what else to say. They exchange pleasantries, the man seems nice enough, he seems happy. Grian wondered what life he had led to end up old and happy, he wondered what life he needed to be old and happy. Maybe a family, people to love. 

He wishes someone loved him, cared for him, someone who would wrap him up in a big hug when he was feeling down. He wants someone to love him unconditionally and he wants to do the same, to bring them little gifts, make them happy, make them feel as loved as they would make him feel. He wanted to belong. 

Grian saunters to the cashier who doesn’t bat an eye at his haggard appearance, his torn and stained clothes, his messy hair, “Four gallons on pump one”. He tapped on the counter

The clearly sleep deprived kid takes his order and hands him the receipt. Grian stuffs it in his pocket along with all the little trinkets he’s collected, pennies, lint, scraps of paper, pretty rocks, a little collection, a tiny museum that fits in the palm of his hand, a history of things nobody cares about. Nobody but him. Things that other people would write off as trash.

He ambles over to the pump and punches in the needed numbers like muscle memory. He yawns as he waits for the gas can to fill up, shouldn't take long, then he could find a place to crash. He looks through the pockets of his wallet, running out of cash . He needs to find a job, and a place to stay. What has he gotten himself into? He has no idea what he was doing. He’s just a kid. 

His eyes snag on the photo of him, his sister, Pearl, and his best friend, Jimmy. He misses them, but he couldn't stay. He misses Pearl. She’ll be fine, he tells himself. He doesn’t know if he believes it. Their parents always liked her more. Before he ran away he left his new number on her nightstand. He told her he was leaving, she was sad but she understood. She said she would miss him but she wanted him to be happy. She knew living in that house made him miserable. He wonders if she was, is , as miserable as he was, would she escape too? Could she? He didn't doubt her abilities, she can kick ass better than anyone else he knows.

The only reason he wanted to stay was for them. They were his world. Jimmy was his best friend. They laughed together, cried together, and grew up together. They stuck to each other like glue. Jimmy was the one who stuck by his side when things got rough. Friend seems like too simple a word to describe who Jimmy was to him, it would never tell of the time spent together, the way they poked fun at each other, the pranks, the late night drives. The way Grian would make fun of Jimmy for being the shortest one at the party, even though it was clear to all that Grian was just as short.

Jimmy is his brother , his partner in crime and it tore him apart to have to leave without him and he knew Jimmy felt the same but Jimmy had a place in that town, with his family, he was going to college and Grian couldn't be more proud of him. He was going places, moving up in the world. He hoped one day they could live near each other again, or at least be able to visit on the regular.

“How far you walking?” The voice knocks him out of his thoughts, startling him as he’s jolted back to reality, back to the shitty gas station with cool night air around him and hard concrete below his feet.

Grian looks up to find the same old man from in the store, a sweet smile on his face. “Oh, uhm. Not far. My truck ran out of gas, I just need enough to drive into town." He hesitantly speaks, he isn’t sure what to say. “Do you need something?”

“No,no, sorry. You just remind me of someone.” The old man hums, “Do you need a ride young man?" Grian’s heart melts a little. It’s a nice shock when he wasn't misgendered. It’d been a while, his fingers tug at his outgrown hair by his neck, subconsciously. "I know you shouldn't trust strangers but I really have nothing better to do.”

Grian eyes the man suspiciously. He didn't look like he could take Grian in a fight if it came down to it. Grian didn't see how getting a little help would hurt. He could protect himself and he really didn't feel like walking the whole way back. “Yeah sure.” Grian agreed.

“Ok” the man clapped his hands. “I'll go get my car”. Grian watched the man cross the street to… and old book store? Wow. That's the coolest thing I've ever seen. He’ll have to check that place out later. It looks like a literal hobbit hole with a round door and vines hanging all around it.  The wood on the outside is carved in spires and swirls. It is beautiful, the dim street lights do it no justice, he wonders what the inside is like during the day, he can imagine the stain glass windows lighting it all up, how magical it would be.

The man drives his small old car out of the side garage and rolls down his window. “Alrighty, hop in.” Grian takes a deep breath and opens the passenger door. The chairs were worn and tearing, well loved, how many memories are stored in this vehicle, good, bad, late night drives with the music blasting, friends in the seats around you, getting high out of their minds, driving home from parties, clothes reeking of cheap alcohol. First dates, break-ups, all of it. It smells of lavender and a hint of something else. He breathes it in, it makes him feel at home. Lavender has always been one of his favourite smells, which is such a stupid thing, he knows, but he can't help it. It's something so trivial, like having a favourite colour but brings him confort.

“Point the way,” the man says, gesturing with one hand, the other firmly on the wheel and Grian notices the wrinkles, he wonders if he’ll ever grow old enough to see the wrinkles form on his own.

Grian buckles his seatbelt, “just down that highway.” He points down the dark road. The street lights thin and eventually they’re driving in pure darkness, only the headlights illuminating their way. Quiet music plays, the car controls covered in a thin layer of dust.

“You’re young aren't you? You startin’ college soon?”The man asks, and the question jars him, he hasn't even begun to think about that, his only focus was to survive, he hasn’t got the money for higher education. He focused on graduating highschool, not worrying about what he would do when he was older. The only reason he’d waited to run away was to finish highschool, fearing that if he left his parents would unenroll him from school, then he truely would be screwed because no one hires a fuck-up who never even finished highschool.

“I-uhh, I don't know if i'm going to college, can't afford it,” he chuckles nervously, a little shameful to admit it. He fiddles with his hands, picking at the skin nervously, he should have just gone with some generic answer.

“Understandable, just tryin’ to break the ice, a little small talk, ya know? So, what do you want to be when you grow up?” He changes the subject and Grian appreciates it. He’s glad the guy doesn't push for answers.

Grian thinks for a while, he is grown, or at least he thinks he is. He’s not really sure what he wants to be. When he was younger he wanted to be a veterinarian, a teacher, an artist, but he’s not sure anymore, he just wants to be, “Happy”.

The man hums in thought, “Good answer.” Grian turns to look at the old man, he can make out the shape of a smile, Grian smiles to himself, and he thinks he said the right answer, one he really means.

“Yeah,” Grian nods, squeezing his hands together. Maybe he can get his life together, maybe he really can start to be happy. For the first time in a very long time, Grian actually wants to try. He’s so tired of just surviving. He wants to live. He wants to feel alive again.

The car slows as the man pulls up to Grian’s old truck. The paint chips away and rust eats at the walls, it shouldn’t work as well as it does but for some reason this truck is determined to live as long as it can.  “You were quite a ways out.” the man comments. 

“Yeah, just my luck,” Grian laughs. The corners of his mouth pull tight. “Run out of gas when I was so close to the next town.” Grian scratches his arm, picking at the small bumps.

“Say, what are you doing drivin’ around this late. Aren't your parents worried?” The man asks gently, with no malice but it still makes Grian falter for a moment.

“Nah, I'm on my own,” Grian grimaces. He empties the gas tank into the car. “I, uhh. Ran away.” it felt good to say but a panicky feeling tugs at his gut, like saying anything would summon them so they could drag him back. He looks away from the man.

“Must have been tough. You're a brave kid,” and those words jolted Grian. He was the farthest thing from brave, he could barely stand up for himself against petty bullies and he hid from his problems rather than face them. He was more a coward than anything.

Grian turns back to the old man who just smiles at him. Tears prick his eyes, he wishes them away. He wasn't brave, he never has been, he ran away , he’s still running. “Hah… maybe. I don't think so.”

“Of course you are. It takes guts to get out of places you’re stuck in, to get away from people that were bad for you. I don't know your situation, but you’re brave as hell kiddo.” And it's the way he says it, so confidently, like he knows it, like he understands, it makes Grian start to believe it even if his mind screams at him that it's not true.

Grian’s lip wavers. He bites down on it, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, wiping away what tears slipped through.  “Thanks” he mumbles, not sure what to say. He hopes the stranger knows how much those words mean to him.

The man watches as Grian puts the gas can back in the trunk. “Do you need a place to stay?”

Grian hesitates, he’s just met the man but he’d been nicer to him than any other adult he’s met in a while. “.. yeah. That would actually be really nice.” he squeezes his hands together, not sure what to do or say. 

“Ok, follow me” the man smiles sweetly and Grian thinks he’s going to cry all over again. He looks up at the sky trying to clear his eyes but they only go more blurry with each second.

Grian climbs into the driver's seat of his truck and follows the man back into town. Once he’s alone he can’t keep it in. He really does start crying and he doesn’t think he can stop. This is all too much, all at once. He doesn’t want to be a bother but he knows he can't stand on his own two feet, he’s alone and he’s running out of options. Is he destined to live on the streets, like how his parents said he’d end up? He really should’ve thought things through before he went off on his own, but all he could think about was getting away, starting new, but his rashness has come back to bite him in the ass.

He focuses on the red of the brake lights of the man's car, to the comforting humm of his truck, how the chair feels beneath him, his feet on the pedals, his hands on the wheel, he breathes in… out… he calms himself, he hates crying in front of other people and while he’s sure the old man wouldn't mind, he still doesn’t want to deal with it, doesn't want to shove his problems on someone else. 

They always ask, are you ok, anything you need, why are you crying, that's if they're nice. Stop crying, there's no point. Why are you crying about something so small, grow up. If you dont stop crying and bothering me, you can sleep outside. It drives him mad. His knuckles are bone white where they grip the steering wheel and he scrunches his face up. He wipes the tears from his eyes and prays to the twisted god above that he doesnt start sobbing again.

He pulls into the driveway next to the man's car. He walks up to the man's car and holds the door open for him. He climbs out and guides Grian to the side door of the bookstore. Grian grabs his bag of clothes and toiletries, or what he has left and follows him in. The wooden door has blurred glass in the middle that makes an intricate pattern, it looks like a beatle. 

“Hey kid, what's your name?” the man asks as he shoves the key into the lock, it scrapes on the sides before he finally fits the key in and turns it, the door unlocking with a soft click.

His heart skitters in his chest, “Grian” he blurts out, and smiles because it feels so good, it sounds like him, and then reality hits him, he can be himself, nobody here knows who he was, nobody knows her. They won't look at him with the same pity, or side glances of disdain. They won't look at him like they think he’s pretending, they won't see him for who he was, all they know is him, how he is now, who he is. His heart leaps because he hadn't thought of that before, how freeing it is, what it would be like, he likes it. No, more than that, he loves it.

“Nice to meet you Grian, im Leon” Leon smiles and shakes Grian's hand. His hand is cold. He said his name, his real name and he almost laughed in giddy joy, like a child receiving a birthday present. Grian feels warm inside, he thinks he may cry again which doesn't make sense, but it does. His name finally sounds right, not said with malice or confusion, finally being used as a real name by someone more than an employee calling out his order.

Grian followed Leon up the narrow stairs. Pictures lined the walls. Pictures of friends, family, pets, places. All sorts of things. Grian’s heart aches. He clutches his wallet with the picture of his family, his sister and his best friend. They're the only ones he misses, Jimmy, Pearl and her big oaf of a dog. 

Grians head turns back to Leon as he pauses at the top of the stairs, leaning slightly on the railing and promptly moving forward. “I have a guest room but I haven't cleaned it up in a while.” Leon admits while moving a laundry basket out of the way, kicking stray objects to the side in an otherwise relatively clean house.

“That's fine, I'm honestly okay with sleeping on the couch or the floor.” Grian didn’t know if he could accept all this, Leon driving him to his truck was enough, but taking him in was so much more, he wouldn't stay long, he doesn't want to become a burden to an old man who has problems of his own, Grian didn't need to add to that.

“Oh nono, we won't have that.” he hushes Grian sweetly. He opens a green door to a small room. Plastic glowing stars are stuck to the ceiling giving off just enough light to see their fuzzy outlines. Leon flips the light on and Grian takes in all the colours. The walls were covered in paintings of space, alien spaceships zoomed around on some crazy adventure. He wants to know what stories these four walls hold because he knows they can contain multitudes. A few toys litter the floor where he assumes kids had played, forgetting about everything else to just be kids. This isn't just a house, it's a home.

“My daughter loved space as a kid. This was her room. Her and my grandkids came to visit a few weeks back," Leon smiled fondly. “You can sleep here. I'll grab blankets”

Grian watches the man walk around the corner and reappear with two large quilted blankets. “Here ya go son.” Grian thinks he may burst out crying like a cartoon character, he might just drown in a puddle of his own tears at this point. He desperately tries to grab ahold of his emotions, to hold them back.

Grian grabs the blankets from him, and thanks him, one was a patchwork quilt, covered in an array of different colours, the other looks well loved, the ends of it fraying away. “My husband made these for one of our anniversaries. I don't use them often enough.” Leon shakes his head.

“Where is he?” Grian asks curiously before he can stop himself. He’s never been good at tampering his mind, always asking questions, probably too many.

“Oh, he passed away a few years ago.” Leon says, his eyes seem to dim with remembrance, grief is written across his face. Grian feels terrible, instant regret, he didn't mean to pry, just a few minutes in and he’s already messing up.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-'' he starts to sputter out, his mind racing, he didn't mean to make Leon upset. You're such a bother, you made another mistake, all you can do, you're a mistake . Leon interrupts him, halting Grian before his mind fully rips into him for the possible offence.

“Nono you're fine. He was old, we both are'' he laughs, but the joy has left it, smile not reaching his eyes, “he was ready to go, I wasn't quite ready to follow. Now, get your pyjamas on. It's past your bedtime," Leon jokes.

Grian somberly smiles, he hasn't been told that in so long, and never with as much care as that. “Thank You. For everything” he can't think up the words to say what he’s thinking, so grateful for the kindness this man has shown him in the past twenty minutes and he starts to think, maybe there are a few more good people in the world.

Leon smiles, “Any time. If you need anything I'm just down the hall. The bathroom is the door next to yours” he leaves and shuts the door behind him and Grian’s by himself.

Grian stands in the room alone. He changes into more comfortable clothes. He pulled his binder off, tossing it in his bag, his ribs ache from wearing it too long, he knows he shouldn't but he does anyways,consequences be damned. He can deal with the pain if it helps bypass the dysphoria that pounds down on him like a tidal wave. He flicks the light off and lays in bed. He unlocks his phone and stares at the text messages from earlier that day. He starts to type.

I found a place to stay for thenight in some nowere town

He waits for a response, his phone screen goes dark. He sighs and shifts around on the soft mattress getting comfortable. Bzztbzzt , the screen lights up.

From tim: oh good, i wad gonna yell at you if you spent 1more night in ur truck

Yee i know

I met this sweet old guywhos letting me crash at his place

Be careful G, you know thers creeps out there , Jimmy replies and he can practically hear the worry in his tone. 

I knowiknow, i promise im being safe. I wouldnt ave gone uf i though i wouldntbe,

Grian doesn't want to worry him. Jimmy had offered to let Grian stay at his house but it wasn’t just getting out of his house, he had to get out of the town, away from his parents, to go where they would never find him, he hoped Jimmy understood.

Grian taps the screen of his phone, im tird, ill talk to you tomorrow, he promises.  Love you

Love yuo to 

He stares at the green plastic stars above him and lets his screen turn black. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep. He eventually drifts off, letting himself relax for the first time in hours and he sleeps.

___

Grian follows Leon down the stairs into the store. Leon asked if he wanted to work in the shop and Grian said yes. He doesn't have any other plans, may as well. He’s been aimlessly driving for the past week or so, he was almost out of cash, he couldn't afford to keep driving. He needed to find a job and he thinks he could be happy here. 

Leon opens the door to reveal a tiny library. It looked like a place he could only dream of. The bookshelves were carved into the walls. Nick nacks lined the walls, decorations hung from the ceiling. Glass ornaments hung by the front window, the light reflected off them creating tiny rainbows. It reminded him of his grandma’s house. She used to collect tiny glass things to hang by the window in front of her sink. He missed her. The stained glass was just as beautiful in the daylight as he imagined it would be.

Grian looks around, absorbing all the warm colours, trying to look at everything. There were leaves carved into the wood. It looked like a fantasy house. Everything looks inviting and comforting. He feels safe here. Succulents hang by the back register. Other plants are placed on free shelves. One vine grew up the side of the wall, slowly creeping its way to the roof. 

Grian stares at it in wonder, sucking in a breath, afraid that he’ll wake up from a dream because this is too perfect to be real. He has a place to stay, a job, someone kind who treats him like a regular human being, and he can't believe it. 

He slowly breathes out, letting out a singular word, “whhoah”.

_____

“Whooah” the man whispered.

“I know right,” Grian says. He walks up to the tall man, he has long hair and if Grian was totally honest, he is quite beautiful. The man held himself confidently, one hand on a bookshelf and the other on his cane. God, he is so gay. “Welcome to Inky Caps. I've never seen you before, are you new in town?”

“You could say, you may call me Scar, what's your name?” Scar smiles, a little too wide, his eyes are bright green. His eyes seem pulled to the man's face, nose, lips, eyes. Eyes that seemed to contain so much, that knew things. Grians heart leaps in his chest, it didn't help that the man was really pretty, the man had a cute gap between his teeth, Grian laughs a little at the name choice as scars are scattered across the man's body, most notably across his face. One goes across his lip, reaching across his nose and ending at his eyebrow. He holds a cane in one hand, carved with small leaves and embedded with small gems.

“Im Grian.” he smiles and shakes Scar’s hand. “Do you know what you’re looking for or do you need help,” he offers, and he wants to find out more about Scar. he can tell quite a bit about a person by the books they read and he’s come across several interesting people, which seems fitting though. This is probably one of the strangest towns Grians ever been to, odd people for an odd place.

“I don't know Grian . I may just look around.” Scar looks around the shop. Grian smiles politely, the man has a strange alluring cadence to him, which makes Grian curious, who is he? Grian honestly thinks the man is enchanting. He wants to find out more but he's learned not to pry.

“Ok, let me know if you need anything,” he smiled, trying not to let it show on his face how curious he is about the man. Scar looks confused for a second before he brushes it off. Grian walks over to the bean bag corner and sits himself down to read his new book. He glances over the top of the pages to see Scar fumbling with one of the books, nearly dropping it before catching it last second. He snorts, what a strange man.

___

The bell at the door rings as someone steps in. Grian walks over to see who it was. He hopes it was Rayna with the new flowers. Rayna is his shop neighbour. She was new in town and started a flower shop which Grian visits from time to time. She was probably the sweetest person he’d ever met. She likes to talk about her kid and how proud of them she is. Grian wishes his own mother was like her. After running away he cut contact with his parents and hasn't regretted it.

To Grian’s pleasant surprise it’s the same man from the day before. Grian laughs into his hand at Scars appearance, “You have leaves in your hair”. He resists the urge to pick them out and fix Scars shirt collar.

“I do?” Scar looks at his long hair and picks out the leaves and a small twig. “Whoops?” he laughs nervously. Grian thinks no one should have a laugh that enchanting, it’s magical, and at that thought Grian mentally drags a hand down his face because geez that was way too cheesy, since when did he think silly things like that?

“You've still got some..” Grian reaches up and grabs the leaf tangled in Scar's hair, he had to, he tells himself, “here” he holds it out to Scar. 

“Thanks,” Scar looks at him a little shocked, he’s such an expressive person. Grian can see the faintest shade of red glow on Scars face and he’s sure he looks the same. God he was so stupid.

“Why are you here again so soon? Miss me?” Grian jokes, not expecting an actual answer, he's mostly joking and he doesn't care at all for the answer, nope, not even a little bit, he tells himself, but it's a lie.

“It's nice here, I've never been to a bookstore before.” Scar fiddles with his hair, twirling a strand around his finger, twisting it and letting it fall. Grian tracks its movements. Grian gawks at the admission because the bookstore and libraries were practically where he lived when he wanted to get out of the house, it baffles him that not everyone goes to those places often.

“Well, you came to the right place. There is none better than here." Grian grins proudly, and he means it. He may be biassed but this place is his home and has been for years. He could say with confidence that he has never been anywhere better than where he is now.

“How have you never been to a bookstore? You’re twenty-three? Twenty-four?” Grian guesses. 

“Actually five-hundred seventy six” Scar corrects.

“Pfft,” Grian scoffs and rolls his eyes playfully, no actual malice behind it. “Yeah right, and I’M a bird. For real though.” he prods, laughing at Scar because he said it with such a straight face, like he’s said it several times before

“ Oh , yeah yes, I mean twenty-four.” Scar stutters, “I didn't live in… a very populated area, didn't ever have the chance to go to a bookstore” he waves his hand in a circle, as if to motion, you know, right?

“Makes sense,” Grian opens the box of new books on the desk, cutting through the brown tape with his pocket knife, the handle made of a carved deer antler and the metal lining a rose gold, on the side was engraved the name, Leon , “so Scar, whatcha want today, I’ve got some tea in the back if you’d like some.” Grian offers. He blames Leon and Pearl entirely for his obsession with tea. He spent what seemed like his life savings on tea. it didn't help that Pearl fed into it, encouraging him to waste all his money on new flavours. Maybe one day he would start his own tea garden.

“Oh that’d be delightful, if you’ve got honey that’d be great, and would you happen to have a botany section by chance?” Scar questions, a plant man, Grian curious what happens in the brain of that man.

Grian grabs the box of books and heads for the back door, “Uhh we should? I’m pretty sure it’s the fourth row, second and third shelves.” he nods towards it, directing Scars gaze.

Grian walks through the back door by the register counter and counts the minutes as he boils the water. He lets the smell of the tea fill his nose, the warm steam curls around him in mesmerising swirls. He sighs in contentment and eventually drags his feet to work again.

Scar sits on the floor leaning against the shelves as he carded through a couple of books on flowers and their meaning as Grian brings him an old mug with some steaming chamomile tea. The smell hits his nose, Scar thanks him as Grian joins him on the floor, “so what’s up with your whole hair deal, it’s gorgeous,” Grian says quickly, his face turns red, he tries to brush it off,  “I just don’t know many guys who grow it out as long as you have.” he spits out too fast as he tries to stop the red creeping further in his face.

“It’s a cultural thing, a lot of people in my er family don’t cut their hair, unless they need to keep it shorter for lets say job reasons or anything of the sort they will cut it but it’s frowned upon to have it like above your shoulders,” he explains as he sips from his tea, “this is delicious by the way, amayzin flavor. Thankyou birdie." The pet name makes him stutter for a bit because that's new, and he definitely won't be thinking about that for the rest of the day. He feels his face growing warm despite his best efforts, where did Scar even think of that!

“Yeah, it's one of my favourites.” he smiled into his cup, taking a small sip. His sister used to make this when he was feeling down. She would knock on his door after he had a fight with his parents and she’d sit next to him and hand him a warm cup of tea. She would sit with him as he cried. He was heartbroken when he had to leave her there but she made it out and found him. 

“What about your family?” Scar asks, searching for some bit of small talk to fill their silence.

Grian scratches the back of his head “Oh, well it's complicated.” he starts, not sure if he really wants to heave up the tangled mess that is his life, “I have my sister, who lives across the street, and I don't really talk to my parents anymore, but the guy who owned this shop took me in. He's the best, err was . He recently passed”. Grians heart pangs painfully, it's almost been a year and it still hurts, like a stab wound, twisting when he would catch himself trying to talk to no one.

“Passed? To where” Scars eyebrows were pinched in confusion. Grian lets out a light chuckle, Scar looks genuinely confused by what Grian said. 

“Nono, he died.” he says somberly, it was months ago now, he died in his sleep. Grian went to wake him up when he didn't get up as usual. He remembers gently shaking Leon's shoulders, heart dropping when he finally realised, hands shaking as he called Pearl. How she stood by him, rubbing his shoulder as he cried. Pearl calls the police, or the ambulance, or whoever you call when someone dies. He was too out of it to register what she had done until he was watching them take Leon away.

“Oh, I… forgot death was a thing. My apologies” Scar looked horrified.

“You're fine” Grian takes a sip of his tea. He misses the old man, of course he does and he thinks he always will. Losing Leon was like losing a father. He takes a breath and pulls himself together. He focuses on the smell of the tea, its warmth in his hands, “So, what are you doing here? This town is great but its kinda boring. Not really a touristy place”

“I never would have guessed, not with attractions such as yourself here” Scar says and Grian thinks that's probably the cheesiest thing he’d ever heard.

Grian laughs, he can’t tell if Scar is joking or not. “Are you equating me to a theme park or something?” Grian leans towards Scar with a mischievous smile, poking fun at the strange attempt at what Grian would guess was flirting.

“I-no! I just- uh” Scar tugs on his bangs and turns away in embarrassment. He rambles off incoherent words. His entire face turns cherry red. Scar tapped his feet nervously on the ground

Grian chuckles, “I get it, I get it, though, you are quite terrible at whatever you're trying to do.” He likes the way Scar blushes, how it fills his whole face, it's cute, it's funny. 

“Is it working though?” Scar gives a sideways smile playing into the bit. 

Grian looks away, starting to blush himself. “I don't know, you’ll just have to find out.” Grian teases, he’s not sure if what Scar is trying to do is actually working… maybe it is .

“I guess I shall.” Scar finished his tea and set his mug on the table. “I'll see you tomorrow songbird” and any attempt Grian had at keeping his composure fails as his face grows warm so fast his head goes dizzy. Scar stands and takes a bow, offering his hand to Grian. Grian takes it and Scar lifts him to his feet.

“Ahah, hah, wow, funny guy. Bye Scar” the bell rang as Scar sauntered out the door and down the street. Grian hides his smile because he definitely doesn't like Scar, he lies . He turns around to find Pearl smirking at him with a knowing grin. He huffs, hiding his face in his sweater and flips her off because no, he does NOT have a crush . Pearl squints at him as if to say, yeah right.

_____

“You were serious about coming back today?” Grian smiles, somewhat confused, a little shocked at seeing the man again so soon.

“Of course I was. I mean what I say, and might I add that you are looking stunnin' today in that red sweater of yours,” Scar compliments and Grian doesn't know what to do with it. It sends his head reeling because this is not how most people act, not what most people say.

“Oh god” Grian covers his face with his hand, his cheeks grow warm at the compliment. “Would you like tea again?” Grian diverts the conversation, trying to ignore the way his heart sped up as Scar stares at him. Scar stares at him with genuine interest, he listens like he has all the time in the world. Scar looks at him with curiosity, like there's something he doesn't understand about Grian, like he wants to find out.

“That would be lovely,” Scar smiles. Grian quickly walks away, he hasn’t felt this way since highschool when some kid asked him to one of the shitty school dances. His heart races, it feels like he’s just run a marathon.

They sit and talk over tea, they laugh. Pearl comes in and takes over the register for him, she interrogates him with her eyes, he shakes his head, no, mind your business . She shrugs her shoulders as if to say, whatever, not my problem . 

He flips her off slyly as he walks to the back to make tea, she sticks her tongue out at him as she plops down into the swivel chair at the register, he laughs as she nearly falls over, she glares at him and starts to chase him down the hallway, she tackles him to the ground, he falls with a loud thud. 

“Wanna say that again bird brains?” She taunts with a shit eating grin. She hangs the nickname over his head, the one he earned after falling out of a tree when he was little, though he doesn't remember. Apparently he wanted to fly so he jumped out of a tree, landing himself in the emergency room with a broken arm. Pearl had to have told Scar the story for the bird related nicknames and he glared at her for it, though, with no resentment because he could never stay mad at her for long.

“I didn't say anything!” he squawks, trying to squirm away as she attacks him, and it's true, he didn't say anything but he didn't have to. She understood perfectly what he was trying to say. Perks of being close siblings, or, well… in this case not so much

She twists his arm behind his back a little further, “Sorry what was that,” she interrogates like she holds all the power, and she does but he will never admit that she is absolutely one hundred percent stronger than him, and always has been for that matter.

“Okayokay, I give up, you win.” he laughs, huffing in fake indignation as he tries to get up and shove Pearls away.

She laughs in triumph, she always won every ‘fight’, even when they were little. She lets him up and laughs when he stumbles almost falling over a second time, “Make me a cup?”

“Yeah sure, sugar or no sugar?” he asks despite knowing her answer, just in case it's changed in the twenty-four hours he last made tea for the both of them.

“Common Grian, you know this, lots of sugar,” she grins showing all her teeth, her shit eating smile saying, I won, haha. He sighs because of course she had to douse her tea in an unhealthy amount of sugar that would only succeed in rotting her teeth. “Just checking” 

“Thankyouuuuu wonderful brotherrrr” she calls as he walks to the kitchen.

“Your welcome dick head!” He responds snappily, glad that they got back to their playful banter after losing their rhythm for months after Leon died, slowly falling into a new pattern, both learning to live with the hole in their hearts because Leon meant so much to both of them. He took Grian in and welcomed Pearl with open arms when she followed a year later as she graduated highschool a year early to follow her brother. He was a better parent in four years than their parents were their whole lives and wasn't that sad to think about.

He finishes up making all three cups, he picks them up, nearly dropping one in the process. He sets one down next to Pearl and walks over to Scar. He thanks him. They talk for hours, Grian is outraged when he finds Scar has never heard any of the good music or watched any of the cult classics. He makes a vow to show them to him one day, Scar laughs and agrees to it.

The sun hangs low, the blue sky turns a vivid orange. “Oh, I didn't realise it was so late” Scar exclaims and neither did Grian, he was having so much fun. They started talking and it just clicked , “I better get going now.” he slumps a little, clearly not really wanting to walk out the door.

“Right, yeah, gotta close up shop soon.” Grian mutters. He grabs the long abandoned mugs, stands up and hands Scar his cane, it’s intricately carved with poppies and lilacs, a string of fox tails dangled from the handle. Scar thanks him for his cane and says his last goodbyes before leaving, bells ringing throughout the store.

“SSOOOooooo Grian, who was he ?,” Pearl leans against the frame of the back door, “why haven’t I heard of him before, what secrets are you hiding from your dear old sister,” she interrogates

Grian’s face flushes immediately, “ Pearl ! He just came in to talk, leave me alone.” he defends, knowing that Pearl can read his face perfectly and that's all the confirmation she needed.

“What, am I no longer allowed to tease you about the hot guys that come in? And you guys talked for hooouurss, ” she snorts. It may have been hours but it didn't seem that long. It was over all too quickly for Grian’s liking because he felt like he could continue to talk to Scar for hours more.

Grian grumbles his way past her, “So?, and it would be wonderful if you didn’t, I should be able to talk to whoever without you bugging me about it,” he chides, folding his arms and turning his nose up, though with no bite behind his words.

“Oi, it's my job as your sister. What kind of sibling would I be if I didn't, hmmmm?” She pokes him and Grian lets a smile slip past the stone face he tried to keep.

 He hummed, flipping through all the responses he could give, “One that's less annoying?” Grian jokes.

“You little shit” she gasps, ruffling his hair, messing it up,making it stick out in every which way.

Grian gasps at her in fake shock, pushing her away, putting his hands on his hips as if to scold her, “I'm not little!” he retorts. 

“Yes you are.” she smirks and he knows she’s right but he would never acknowledge it.

He rolls his eyes, “You’re insufferable.”

Pearl just grins at him, “You love me,” and Grian rolls his eyes so hard he fears he may sprain something because he does love his sister, so very much.

__

Scar had started showing up daily, chatting with Grian for a few hours, reading about human botany tactics or talking about the strange customers that wandered in. They made jokes, trying to make the other laugh. A few times Scars hand lingered on Grian a beat longer than needed and Grians face flushed when they sat side by side and eventually they were sitting side by side. Grian squished against Scar’s arm, leaning on his shoulder every so often.

It was nice, the physical contact he hadn’t really had much of. Pearl of course poked fun at him but relented before pushing Grian too far, knowing when enough was enough. He texted Jimmy about his new friend excitedly. Jimmy responded with an exasperated, finally, god, it only took like five years. And Grian snipped back, it was only four and a half.

Cling, the doorbell chimes as Scar walks through holding a small moss covered pot. Mushroom spores littered the soil, blues, purples and faint reds peeked through. “Hey gorgeous, I brought you a gift, I uh thought some mushrooms would fit your guys whole Inky Cap and old, taken back by mother nature ordeal.”

Grian looks up from where he was doodling, Scar gives him a soft smile, he can feel his cheeks warming rapidly, “O-oh uh Scar! Hi hello, how are you?” he asks as he walks towards him, “Thankyou for the pot, I’ll find a good place to display this.” They are beautiful, the colours are captivating, they draw him in, his nose grows closer to them as he inspects the spores.

Scar grabs ahold of his shoulder, gently pulling his face away from the fungi, “Mushrooms just suit you so well, I figured you might need some around, was going to get you some Inky Caps but seeing as they could kill such weak human systems I decided against it, Just don’t eat these ones,” he grabs Grian’s hand and drags him over to there regular area, a small sitting area that just so happened to be in Scar’s favourite section of the small shop. Bean bags and old couches were positioned around a small coffee table. Grian notices how Scars hand lingers on his for a moment before Scar pulls his hand away, “Have you heard about the myths behind mushrooms?” He turns to Grian with a wide grin.

Grian shifted closer to Scar on the couch, tucking his legs underneath him, “I mean, not really, never to an extent, just vague warnings from town natives.” Grian racks his mind for anything he remembers about the stories he’s heard from the locals but only recalls the general warnings to stay out of the forest and the things Leon told him.

“Well then I think this means it’s time for me to string you a tale of mushrooms. You’ll find they are connected to everything around us,” Scar shifted, letting Grian rest his head on his shoulder, “Mushrooms are some of the world's oldest connections to fae, natural occurring circles are believed to be a direct link to their plane. It’s also used as a symbol of life, death and rebirth. Mushrooms have such intricate base roots and popup and leave sporadically.”

“They were once used as a way to communicate with the fae because of their direct connection to the earth, it's actually all quite interesting. I've also heard rumours of what's called the ‘mother spore’ and it's located in the heart of the forest." Scar tells his story and Grian listens, he loves to listen to all the rambles people give from things they are interested in.

Grian laughs as he sits up to take a drink from the cold tea he left on the table hours before. it all seems prosperous, he imagines a tree sized mushroom with spots like amanita or a fungi that branched out on levels like oyster mushrooms. 

“You laugh now but it's deadly to those who fall in its path. It's connected to all the forest, it's the protector, the ‘mother’." Scar grins, he leans close to Grian. Grian smiles back at him. He never thought he would hear of a mushroom that was a better mother than his own, though it wasn't hard. 

Scar’s hand moves towards Grian’s face, he looks at it then back at Scar, he tucks a strand of hair behind Grian’s ear, he tries to calm his heart, Scar’s eyes seem to glow that emerald green he’s grown quite fond of. “Tell me birdie, what do you know of the fae?” Scar’s arm settles around his shoulder, pulling Grian back towards himself.

Grian rubs his hands together, “Not much, I hear stories from the others in the town but I didn't grow up with all this. Everyone in this town is afraid of them, afraid of the forest, I don't understand why. I know they’re dangerous but I've never seen one” he remembers asking Leon about the fae, he just froze. Leon told him about the fae, how they tricked people, how they were conniving and would twist your words to get what they wanted. Grian was curious, he looked up what he could but he didn't get the answers he wanted. 

His brain eventually moved on to mushrooms and birds, he could tell someone just about anything about parrots and foraging but frankly, no-one cared, which was fine, Leon listened, while he was alive he did. Leon would let Grian ramble to him for hours and hours, talking his ear off. Grian’s heart tugs, somewhat painful because missed Leon.

Scar laughs, “You don't need to see them for them to be real, do the stars not exist because you can't see them during the day?” He reasoned, bringing up a good point, one that got Grian thinking things over in his head.

“I guess you’re right, but I have proof the stars exist,” Grian reasons. He knows they exist because he’s spent countless nights in the trunk of his cab staring at them, whispering secrets to them he’d tell no one else. When he still lived at home, he’d sneak out on the bad nights and stare at them for as long as he dared, carefully climbing back through his window when the sun started to rise.

Scar hums, “don't you worry your pretty little head, one day I’ll prove to you that the fae exist” Scar squeezes Grian’s shoulder, leaning further into him. Grian hums at the contact, at the warmth pressed into his side.

“And how exactly would you do that?” Grian shifts, he blows Scar’s hair out of his way, a few stray hairs tickle his face, he doesn't mind.

“I’ll take you on a tour of our little forest.” Scar declares, Grian imagines walking through the forest on a hike, he hasn't gone that deep in the forest since he moved there, everyone warned him against it.

Leon literally dragged him out by his ear one day, he was just curious. Grian chuckles at Scar in his mind, the forest was far from small. It went on for miles in every direction, stretching into the horizon, it seemed endless. The dark green trees invaded every free space, trees popped up like weeds between the sidewalk cracks, he didn't mind though, he thought it was beautiful. There wasn't much land left untouched by human hands, people left their dirty stains across the land, etching ugly permanent scars upon the earth's surface but this forest was preserved somehow.

“It's a date then” Grian jokes, or, he tells himself he’s joking. He feels his cheeks growing warm, he hopes Scar doesn't notice. He reaches out for his mug to avoid Scar’s gaze.

“What's a date?” Scar tilts his head in question. Grian snorts, tea nearly shoots out his nose, he coughs, trying to get his drink out of his lungs, he laughs so hard he can barely breath. Scar starts laughing with him, though he looks puzzled. Grian wipes his face off with his sweater sleeve, “you’re hysterical,” he coughs, “how do you not know what a date is?”

“I grew up in the forest?” Scar says puzzled, as if that’s answer enough.

“Figures” Grian rolls his eyes in fake annoyance.

_____

“ HellooooOOOooooOo birdiee! ” Scar bursts through the door loudly, “I brought some human tea, the shop down the street gave them to me for free for being a first time customer.'' Grian smiles at the way Scar’s face seems to light up the whole room. He doesn't think he would ever get tired of Scar’s smile.

“Weren't you there last week?” Grian crosses his arms, because he’s sure Scar was.

“Maybeee” Scar shoves a cup in Grian's hand and plops himself down in the botany section, scanning through each book before settling on a small old book with hand painted flowers on the cover, a clearly well loved book, the binding falling apart and scuffed up.

Grian looks over Scar’s shoulder curiously, “What are you looking for this time?”

Scar scratches the back of his head, “Well, in my… family? We make mushroom soup among other things. We go out in the forest and forage for the best ones to cook with buuut, I need to find ones that won't disturb your digestive system so I can make you some” Scar looks up at Grian and smiles. Grian wants to kiss his stupid face, his stupid smile. He hates the way his stomach flips when Scar smiles at him or when Scar pulls him close, he hates how he loves the crinkles his eyes make when he grins, the way Grian can find stray strands of Scars long hair stuck to his clothes. He hates that he likes how Scar always smells like life, like flowers and pine trees.

“If you want to, I can tell you all about mushrooms and which ones are edible. I could help find them too” Grian offers.

“That would be wonderful, I've never really looked into which ones were safe for people to eat, I just picked them and threw them in the pot.” Grian gawks at him in disbelief because how is this man still alive?!

“ Scar! That could get you KILLED.” Grian yells. Scar surely was testing any gods that were out there, taunting them by walking on the edge of death.

“Oh, don't worry, I'm fine,” Scar brushes it off, reaching for another book. He looks away from Grian, deflating a little, his ever present smile wavering at the rise in Grians voice, at the harshness of his tone.

Grian sighs, immediately regretting how he let his emotions slip up. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled, but you can't go around eating any little thing you find in the woods, that's how you get sick” he feels bad for raising his voice, he didn't mean to, he tries not to yell, he really does but emotions hit him like a truck and it's hard to stop them.

“I’ll take that into consideration in the future songbird, I didn't mean to worry you.” Scar reaches up and grabs Grian’s hand, he squeezed it tight. Grian smiles softly and sits down next to Scar. “So why don't you tell me all about these mushrooms you know so much about?” Scar asks quietly.

“With pleasure” Grian leans into Scar as if to say, I'm sorry, forgive me? And Scar leans back.

_____

Scar laughs as Grian recounts some silly story from when he was a kid and they lapse into the routine they’ve curated over the past few months. Grian has known only one other person where things have just clicked and that was Jimmy.

Most people either don't care as much as he does, or don't really want to talk to him for long, but Scar seems to take a genuine interest in what he’s saying, even if its complaining about a shitty customer, or about Tilly pooping by the front door and him accidentally stepping in it.

Grian thinks he’s found a genuine friend for the first time in forever, though it definitely messes with his brain when he thinks Scar is flirting with him or tries to get him all flustered. He finds it easy to be himself with Scar, he doesn't have to mask all the things that society doesn't want to see.

More days than not he finds himself cuddled up against Scar’s side on the couch in the store when he has some free time. It's comforting. It's nice to feel the body heat of another person, to know they are alive and real, even on bad days.

It's nice to have friends.

_____

Scar burst through the front doors, box in hand. The old bell that hangs above the door comes  clanging to the ground next to Scars feet, its ringing reverberates in the back of Grians skull, rattling him, “BIRDIE I-I have something for y-you,” he panted as he ran towards the front desk.

Grian practically jumped out of his skin, “JESUS CHRIST Scar, you Scared the crap outta me, calm down. Go put my bell back and sit down, you don’t need to come running in here yelling Scar,” he responded sternly, or at least trying to act stern and failing miserably.

Scar slumped over back to the door, hanging the bell back up on its perch and then moving quickly to his spot on the couch, knees bouncing like an impatient child on christmas day, “Can I show you now,” he asks as he sets the box he had been holding on the table

Grian curls up in his spot next to Scar, their sides sliding perfectly together, “if you promise to not run in here and break my bell again.” and of course he’s mostly joking but really doesn't want to have to get a new bell every other week.

Scar nods and starts to lift the lid, “Well I suppose I promise because I don’t think you could turn this away,” he sets the lid on the table and scoops out a small light brownish cat speckled in black spots.

Grian sprouts up, hands covering his mouth in surprise, “Oh lord Scar, you didn’t need to, I-I,” tears started to sprout from the corners of his eyes before he could stop them. He quickly wipes them away.

Scar stood up immediately and held his head in his hands, “I’m sorry if this upsets you, I’ll take him with me instead, you don’t need to keep him,” Scar backpedals quickly and Grian nearly bursts out laughing.

Grian pulls him in for a rib cracking hug, yanking Scar back to his side with the widest grin, “Nononono No never, Scar this is so incredibly kind of you, you’re so sweet, oh this is so nice of you! I could kiss you, I'm so happy!” 

There's a silence for a bit before Grian backs up, dropping his hands away from Scar like he’s been burnt. His face turns bright red, matching his old tattered sweater. He fiddles his hands together and starts to sputter out apologies, one after another, “sorry sorry, I uh. Hi uh t-that’s not what I really meant, uhm I-”

Grian shuts his mouth with an audible click as Scar interrupts him, “nono, you're uh, you're fine.” He leans closer and Grians heart races, “uhhm, I.. Can I? Kiss you?” Scar asks quietly, he glances down at Grian’s lips then back up to his eyes. His eyes are so green up close and good god, Grian thinks he’s going to pass out from the amount of blood rushing to his skull.

“Yeah, yes!” he says a bit too enthusiastically. Scar pulls him in close, he hesitates for a second, his breath is warm against Grians face and impatient as always, Grian kisses him. His stomach fills with a warm tingly feeling as he presses his face against Scars. Grian does the impossible and flushes even more when Scar gently presses back, he feels like he’s fifteen again, having his first kiss under the bleachers, hiding from everyone else, his heart thumps in his chest so loudly he thinks even Scar can hear it.

Grian doesn't want it to end, he's greedy, he wants more. He starts to wrap his arms around Scar, who makes a surprised squeak which makes them both laugh. Scar brings his arm up to Grians head, tangling his fingers in Grians hair. Grian hums quietly as Scar scratches his head, in response Grian squeezes Scar tighter, leaning further into him, nearly toppling them both over.

“Pesky bird” Scar mumbles against Grians lips. Grian hushes him, knocking their skulls together. They become a tangle of limbs, so absorbed in one another, in the feeling of being close, its nice and new and a swirl of emotions he doesn't know how to explain because it feels like his brains just exploded.

The kitten meows loudly, interrupting them, Grian blushes furiously, backing away from Scar’s face, from his lips, his eyes and god he’s so beautiful . He looks back at Scar, his face is red, Grian thinks that this may be the first time he’s seen a Scar so flustered. He laughs, “ You’ve got hair in your face,” Grian brushes it aside, tucking it behind Scar’s ear.

“Oh uh, thanks” Scar blushes, it makes Grian smile, it fills him with that warm fuzzy feeling, like sitting at a campfire roasting smores, he hopes he won't get burnt.

Grian lifts the kitten up to his face, “little Maui”, he names the cat. He hopes Tilly won't mind another animal in the shop. Tilly being Pearl's great big white fluff ball that seems to take a smug pride in the amount of dog hair she litters everywhere. Pearl took Tilly with her when she left home.

Scar pulls Grian and the cat closer to him, kissing the cat's forehead. His hand relaxes on Grians waist and it feels like it's always belonged there, “what a wonderful name.” Grian’s insides swoop, he feels like he's falling. He feels his heartbeat in his throat and he’s all too aware of his hand in one of Scar’s, of how close they are, of how Scar’s skin feels against his own.

Grian nods and sets the cat down to rest on the couch, “so… do you wanna continue or…”, his heart pitters nervously, afraid for a split second Scar may say no for a moment before Scar nodded and adjusts his hands on Grian’s waist, squeezing and pulling him closer as he quickly peppers Grians face with small tender kisses. Scar’s calloused hands feel hot against Grian’s skin as Scar adores his face as he giggles about.

“My little ray of sunshine,” he whispered in Grian’s ear before he leans in, soft lips pressed against his, Grian pulls his arms over Scar’s shoulders, fingers slightly playing with strands of his hair. He doesn't notice when the cat hops out of his lap to go explore. A few moments later Scar pulls back all far too quickly and Grian lets out a little whine of protest. “Was that enough for you, birdie?”

He sighs and pulls further back, “Arguably no, but it shall suffice,” he grins though his face hurts from smiling so much. He leans back into Scar’s side, pinning Scar's arms to his chest, refusing to let go, still not quite sure any of this is real.

_____

 Grian sits atop the register counter, waiting for Scar to show up again. He swings his legs back and forth, only moving to help when a customer comes in. Pearl huffs as she drops a box full of books on the counter next to him, he yelps in surprise. “Get your head out of the clouds, I do need your help”

Grian groans in protest, “Come on Pearl, Scar will be here any minute” he whines. He pets Maui to distract his jittery mind. He keeps replaying the kiss in his mind, how Scar pulled him close, how his insides turned to mush. Scar feels the same way he does? He could barely wrap his mind around it. When Scar left he’d sat on the couch and stared off into space for hours, that really just happened, he kissed me, I kissed him, oh good gods. Pearl had walked into the store to grab something at night and jumped when she saw Grian, not expecting him to be in the store. She told him to go home and sleep.

“God, you’re such a baby, it's like you've never had a crush before. If you keep being all lovey-dovey I'm going to gouge my eyes out, and chop my ears off too for that matter." She fakes a gag and laughs because they’ve been through this routine before.

Grian groans, “Stop, it is not that bad,” he starts but Pearl interrupts him before he can finish his thought.

“Yes it is, I can practically see the cartoon hearts floating around your head, now get off the counter and come help me you lazy butt.” she orders.

“Auughhh, fine.” he resigns. He stares longingly at the door for a few seconds more before begrudgingly moving on to help Pearl with the book donation boxes. He may not want to but unfortunately this is his job and he kinda needs it to live, he doesn't mind that much.

Grian waits for Scar for the next few hours, where is he, does he regret it, will he leave? His mind runs wild with all the possibilities, did he just mess up their friendship, no, because Scar kissed him too right? What if he didnt mean it? What if he didn't actually want to? He’s terrified. The bell rings, Pearl reinstalled after Scar broke it, Grian spins around to see who it is. Scar quietly walks through the door, with a bouquet of flowers in hand. Grian runs up to him, “hey Scar” 

“Hello birdie, sorry I took so long to get here, these little yellow flowers are quite hard to find” Scar hands the flowers to Grian. There is a mix of reds, oranges, pinks, purples and yellow buttercups. They are beautiful.

“Oh, thankyou Scar, you didn't have to get me anything” he starts but Scar interrupts him, just like Pearl did, “Oh nonsense, I wanted too” he smiles sweetly at Grian, Grian just wants to kiss his stupid face. He wraps Scar up in a tight hug, Scar laughs in surprise, he buries his face in Scars chest, he’s surrounded by the now familiar earthy smell that follows Scar wherever he goes, it's like a breath of fresh air. 

It may be stupid but Grian finds comfort being surrounded by the smell of a loved one. He loves the way Pearls smell like rose hip tea and dusty old books. He misses Jimmy and is finding it harder to remember what he smelt like. He always visits during the summer but it's over far too quickly. 

Jimmy had gotten accepted to an overseas program and Grian was ecstatic when he heard the news, so glad that he was following his dreams and made Jimmy promise to send him pictures of everything, but he was also sad because Jimmy was now halfway across the world. He missed talking to his best friend without the crackle of old phones or the terrible timezones making them sleeping when the other was just waking up but Jimmy still took the time out of every day to talk to him in some way, weather that be text or calls that went on for hours when one of them should probably have been sleeping. Jimmy would never know how much it meant to Grian that he always said hi, that they did not drift apart when Grian feared they would.

Scar hugs him back and plants a gentle kiss on the top of Grian’s head, Grian smiles and squeezes Scar tighter where his arms were wrapped around his waist listening to Scar’s heartbeat which is going a little faster than it should. Grian smiles. He stands on his toes, pulling Scar’s head down to kiss him.

_____

Scar didn’t show up today, or the day before. Grian stares at the wilting flowers Scar had given him longingly. Scar had given him the flowers nearly two weeks ago and had come in every day since, except for yesterday and now, today. He’s probably busy , Grian reasons. Scar doesn't have a phone so Grian can't call him and check in. worry tugs at his gut but he shoves it off. It's only been two days, he’s sure Scar will show up soon. He sighs as he pushes himself off the couch to close up shop, he finishes off his cup of tea and downs the other one he made.

Pearl walks down the rows of books, straightening them up, “you still moping?”

Grian grumbles, “I am not moping.” he stomps his way to the back door of the store where his house is. He likes that his house is in the same building as the shop. Leon was a smart old man. He thinks he remembers Leon saying his husband designed the house when they moved to the town. Leon’s husband worked in construction and practically built the house. Grian wonders what a love like that feels like. Leon always looked so happy when he told stories of his lover. Grian wished he had met the man because the way Leon talked about him he seemed incredible. 

When Leon died he passed the store to Grian because his daughter didn't want to take over the shop, she wanted to live near her husband's family and raise their kids in the cold mountains of alaska. When he met her at the funeral he was afraid she would resent him because of Leon’s will but she walked up to him and gave him the biggest hug. She was crying, and she thanked him for taking care of her dad and giving him someone to take care of, then Grian started crying.

Pearl takes a bite of her bagel, “yes you are.” she crosses her arms.

“I’ll be fine Pearl,” he huffs. His mind drifts back to Scar, his sweet smile, his crooked nose, his long hair…

“I know,” she says, knocking him out of his thoughts, “don’t overthink it,” she says with a punch to the shoulder. He smiles at her. He’s glad she’s here now. The hardest thing about running away was having to leave her, “ But you look like a kicked puppy, so we are going to do something fun because this is just sad to watch.”

“Pearl I’m fine,” he starts, he doesn't want to draw attention to something that probably doesn't matter.

“Yeah, sure, but there's a new movie that I want to watch, aand, I have popcorn,” she  says. He sighs in resignation. “Ok, what movie?” he hangs his head.

“ Yaaaayyyy ,” Pearl cheers. She rambles on about the new movie. Before they leave the shop, Grian grabs a few of the flowers from the dying bouquet and presses them between the pages of the book he’s reading. 

_____

A week went by, then two, Scar still hadn’t shown up. Grian’s mind has had far too much time to run wild on every possible scenario. 

“Pearl, he’s been gone for two weeks, I-I, did I do something wrong? Oh god he hates me, I did something to piss him off- what if he’s DEAD ,” Pearl violently shakes his shoulders as she yells at him, “ YOU ARE FINE! Chill the actual fuck out please, dear god you’re even stressing me out, just go look for him jesus fucking christ Grian.”

“Okay” he squeaks. He feels small again. He can't help but worry, there are so many things he could have done wrong, or maybe Scar is in trouble, what if he got hurt, what if he died ! Grian tries to shake the thoughts away, they weren't helping him, they only made him more anxious, his insides felt itchy, he just wanted to know what happened to Scar.

“I'm sorry Grian.” she sighed, “just, stop overthinking and go find him, I'm sure he’s fine and you didn't do anything wrong okay?”

“Yeah Yeah, okay. I will.” he takes a deep breath. Pearl bumps his shoulder as she passes him, walking to the door.

“Now, let's go get dinner,” she smiles, softening her tone.

“Okay” Grian relents, trying to untwist his stomach from the knots it's tied itself in.

. 

_____

Grian packs his bag, grabbing only what he thinks he’ll need, water, some random granola bars he found lying around, and his phone. He doesn't plan to stay out long, just long enough to find 

Scar. 

He said he lived in the forest, and he doesn't have a car so he must live nearby. He stuffs the no bake cookies he made in his bag to give to Scar later. He still can't shake the nagging feeling that something isn't right, is Scar okay?. He tries to stop his worrying to no avail. If Scar got hurt, no one would know, he lives alone, in the forest, with no phone and no car. If he broke a bone or got super sick he was screwed.

 Does Scar have anyone who would come to help him? Grian had Leon before, and now he has Pearl. He doesn't know where he would be without them, they saved his life, though he would never tell them that.

He goes down the stairs, jumping over the last couple steps. He can hear Pearl’s shitty music playing over the store’s speakers, he peeks his head round the corner, “ Pearl, turn that down, you’ll wake up the neighbours” he yells over the music

“ WHAT? Sorry Grian I can't hear you,” she grins deviously at him as she slowly turns the music louder.

“ Pearl!” Grian shrieks, “ TURN IT DOWN!” He covers his ears as the song blasts through their small bookshop, a song he unfortunately knew all the lyrics to. Pearl dances and screams the lyrics with a terrible southern accent, holding up an invisible microphone, she beacons for Grian to join her. He has to laugh, dance is not where her strengths lay. He gives in and joins her, a pair of terrible dancers, screaming to the stupidest song ever.

They bang their heads to the music and to anyone else they look absolutely insane. They dance around uncoordinatedly, laughing when they stumble and nearly fall over from dizziness.

The song finally winds down and Pearl turns the speakers down, she laughs like she’s an evil genius who’s finally gotten her way.  “Pearl, you can't do that so early in the morning,” he laughs, catching his breath.

“Aww common, lighten up. Can’t have any fun can I?” She rolls her eyes and hops atop the register counter folding her arms in indignation.

“You’re gonna wake the neighbo-,” he starts

“The neighbours that can barely hear? They have not complained all these years and they're the sweetest old people I currently know, besides, they love me, aaand Rayna hasn't even opened up shop yet," she looks so proud of herself.

“Okokay, point taken,” he reconciles because their neighbours really do like Pearl, always bringing over baked goods or small art projects to hang on the walls of the store.

“You finally gonna go find your boyfriend?” She asks, sipping her tea.

Grian blushes, “Pearl! He’s not my boyfriend, yet, and yes. I am,” he sputters while slinging his bag over his shoulder, “I’ll be back before dinner.”

“Mkay, don't die, that would be most unfortunate, ” she says in a terrible British accent, waving her hands around dramatically. 

“It truly would be, dearest sister. I will endeavour to stay alive on this most treacherous venture.” he takes a bow as he walks to the door. “Bye Pearl,” he laughs.

“Byeee,” she waves as he leaves. He was glad he had such a good sister, where would he be without her?

__

Birds chirp in the distance, a familiar call and response. The dirt path is washed out, nothing like the trails he’s used to walking on during hikes or in parks , sometimes completely overgrown by grass, but it IS there, he thinks.

If he follows the path it should lead him to Scar’s house, hopefully. Grian doesn't have a particular destination in mind, he just ambles along the path hoping it's the right way. He's surprised none of the trails he sees are as well trodden as he’d thought they would be. The forest is beautiful, green leaves dance in the warm sun, small rivers snaking trails through the woods, stretching down from the mountains.

He would think with a place as beautiful as this that the people who live here would jump at every opportunity to go camping or hiking. He would have to take Jimmy and Pearl out here one day. He knows some of the stories about the fae and the spirits in the forest but those are just stories, meant to keep kids from going off on their own and getting lost.

He stops at the small rivers whentheir paths intersect with his and he runs his hands in the chilling water, taking the break to pull out his water bottle from his bag. He listens to the birds chirp, flying around, chasing each other. Maybe bird watching would be a fun hobby.

He curses himself for not going to the forest more often, he feels right at home, trees branching up around him, the cool breeze tickling the back of his neck. He climbs up a tall rock and jumps across the gap to the next one, then the next.

He pauses to get his bearings, the thickening trees huddled close together, cool breeze drifting in from the shade interspersed with dappled light. It’s nice, he thinks. Grian watches a butterfly land delicately on a leaf, such simple things can be so beautiful.

The breeze picks up a little, and the trees rustle. It’s almost like the base of a song, a low consistent thrum, keeping the rest of the instruments of the forest in time. Alluring sounds surround him, and a beam of sunlight strikes his face, making him put up a hand to shield his eyes. Grian walks further and further into the woods, following what he hopes is the right way. When did I start walking again? The path is overgrown, his gaze drifts away from it, pulled towards the trees, they shift forming a new path for him to follow, a new place to explore.

Being his curious self he follows it, all thoughts about the original path tossed aside in his mind. Giant trees covered in soft vibrant moss line the new trail. He runs his fingers across it, feeling the damp springy texture beneath his fingers. He's always loved moss.

He walks and walks, never tiring, it all seems like a dream. He follows the path the forest forms, seemingly just for him, inviting him, showing him the way, where was he going again? he scratches the back of his head, he doesn't remember, something about this forest makes his head haze over, it's nice here. He hums along to the song around him, the song that only grows louder the farther he walks.

The cool night air swirls around him, wrapping him in a soft blanket of cold. He doesn't remember it getting dark so fast, he feels like he’s forgetting something, something he said, somewhere he’s supposed to be. He tries to pull the thought out of his head, tries to find the missing pieces of his mind…

The trees are neon shades of green, like the green crayon he would use as a child to draw the forest. He was always curious about what lived where people hadn’t taken over. Beware the monsters that lurk in the dark . A warning chimes in his head, where has he heard that before?

The forest quickly grows silent, unease settles in Grian’s bones, something whispers to him, run runRUN, the words flash through his head, panic settling in, breath quickening as he turns around. The trail he’s been following is gone.

He spins around again, searching for the path, where did it go, it's not there. Something is very wrong, alarms blare loudly in his head, he thinks he hears the whispers of a laugh. Everything seems to watch him, the trees have eyes, the animals turn to stare at him, the feeling is suffocating.

his head screams to run run RUN. He turns and darts through the trees, twisting and turning. Something isn't right, his gut twists, something is very wrong here, he feels eyes watching him, absorbing his every move, no matter how fast he runs he can't escape it.

“ Don’t you know to stay out of the forest little one, ” an ethereal voice chimes through his head, it circles around him, that hauntingly sweet voice echoes through the trees, trapping him where he stands, like a deer in headlights, like a moth to the flame, like a fly to honey. The sickly voice turns his head to mush, his insides feel sticky, he needs to get away, something bad is going to happen.

Grian’s vision swirls as he runs, ripping himself from the trance he was in. Tripping over open roots, scuffing his knees as the voice gets louder. Closer. The thing following him gets closer and he needs to get away, but he's stuck on the ground.

Adrenaline coursed through his veins as a figure emerged from the trees, his brain screamed at him to run, but his legs won't move, all he can do is sit there and stare as the thing covered head to toe in foxglove blooms unfold itself from the creases of reality. Iris’s a piercing yellow as they peered down at him, “My my my, what do we have here? I’m sure you know you’re not supposed to be out here little sprite,” its voice rattled through his brain. 

They are tall, too tall to be a person, and there is something wrong about them. Grian wants to shut his eyes and pretend this doesn't exist but he can't tear his eyes from the creature, their eyes stare straight through him. They are covered in foxgloves. the flowers seemed to bloom from their skin, if they had any. Grian wouldn't be surprised if they were only made up of the flowers, this surprisingly doesn't strike him as odd.

They leaned down slowly as Grian’s vision started to yellow with a blue haze surrounding the person. The world had turned to a loud buzz as they smiled, all crooked and eerie, bright neon eyes glaring at him, “Fear not little one. I can help ya know.” They say, their words are slimy and slide through his ears like sour honey, he shivers.

Grian trips backwards, hands scrapping hard against the exposed roots, head spinning, heart pounding. Thoughts muddling more every second that passes by.

“You’ve come here for a reason, child. What is it you seek,” the voice echoes through the trees with a gentle hum, it sends shivers down his spine, “Could you tell me your name sprout, so I can help you?”

A memory tugs at the back of his head as everything in him screams that this isn't right. “Grian, since you’ve decided you’re going to stay here permanently, you need to know about some things, come sit,” Leon asks as he leans back into the old but ever inviting leather couch, “Our woods… Our woods are a source of local folk tales. They say mystical beings live in those woods. Some good but most, most bad.”

Grian grabs a quilt from the ladder and settles down on the couch next to Leon, “Mmm I’ve heard people talking about people going missing in those forests, but it really can’t be magic, can it?”

Leon sighs heavily, “No one truly knows, but yeah people go missing in those forests more than they should. They say if you meet someone there too…” he pauses, piecing together his words, “just, don’t go around giving people your name, kid. I care about you and I don’t want to wake up one day to the news that I’ve lost another to the forest. Just be careful Grian, I love you and don’t want to see you hurt.” The old man sighs with a tired set in his voice. The words at the time confused Grian but he thinks he’s starting to understand.

A calm rushed over his body as he stared into the soft yellow eyes of the figure, “I-I’m looking for my friend, he’s said he lives around here.” Grian feels the words pulled from him.

“What is your name child?” The voice pounds through his head, curling through his ears, grasping onto something in his thoughts, “The story says that those who live in the forest have a silver tongue, enchanting you into doing as they ask.'' He was inclined to speak, wanting to do nothing but obey as the words shook from his throat, “G-Grian.” his name seemed to burn his throat as he spoke it like his body knew this was a mistake far before his mind caught up.

“Once they have your name you are under their will. They can morph your thoughts into those that don’t belong to you, they will tear your mind apart until they get what they want.’”

His body vibrates as his head turns to a blissed mush, “There you go Grian ,” the being’s voice curls through his thoughts, tugging at it, a sharp pain flashes behind his eyes,” I’ll help look for your friend, these forests are hard to navigate if you don’t know your way around, but I’ll need you to help me out before we look for your friend, is it a deal?”

“They’ll entice you to make a deal, a fae’s deal can not be broken, once you are under the control of a fae’s deal you are inclined to follow through unless you want your life to become filled with horrors.”

The enchanting voice pulled him in, vision a blurry yellow as he tried to force his words through on his sickeningly limp tongue, “Deal.” As the word left him the air around him picked up, trapping him in a whirlwind of flashing colors and dead leaves, the wind blew thickly around them, gold lacing the leaves, and what seemed to be the air itself curled around his body, squeezing him tightly as the fae grasps his wrist, “ You are mine now. You are my toy little one,” their voice rattles through his head as a fog washes over his thoughts, muddling them until it's nothing but dust. Foxglove bloomed around the skin where the fae had a harsh grip, yellow spreading up his arm.

He felt nothing and everything as it climbed, soon engulfing his entire arm, “This is my mark, and you will do as you are told.” The voice rattled his thoughts, the headache growing into a blaring pain.

They lifted his chin to look up at him with one long sharp finger, “ Hmmm, you're quite the puppet you know, you should keep me busy for a while.”

His mind was foggy, vision blurry as he slumped, following the fae through the woods without a thought or care in the world, vaguely aware of what he was doing but it felt like a dream where you were just pulled along and nothing made sense.

hours, days pass, he thinks, who is he? How did he get here, what's on his arm? the time swirls around his brain, as flimsy as his grasp on reality. Every once in a while his mind clears enough for him to realise what's going on. Those are the worst parts because that's where the foxglove creature messes with his mind the most, seeming to get some kind of twisted entertainment from tormenting him, making him scared, beating him up, and dragging him through the dirt.

His clothes are torn, his skin is covered in cuts and bruises, his ribs hurt, breathing hurts. His arm looks infected, covered in bright pink flowers. He tries to rip them off but they won't budge. The fae laughs and Grian jumps because he forgot they were there. They pick him up by the collar of his shirt and drop him.

The world drops out from around him and nonoNo, it's happening again, not again, STOP, MAKE IT STOP, but it never does. His heart is irregularly slow, making him sluggish, making him feel like it's about to stop and he's going to die. Nobody will find his body out here.

Everything is dark and blurry, where is he, who is he, why is he here ? the more he tries to tug at the fraying edges of reality the more it unravels. Someone walks to him. they're tall, too tall. He tries to back away, tries to run but they look familiar. Mom?

He tries to run, waiting for the yelling, for things to go flying past his head, glass shattering on the wall, shards digging themselves into his skin, but she only laughs and runs after him.

He's running, he has to get away, leave me ALONE, but they never do, they never will, you know what you have to do, the only way you can be free, it's not like anyone will miss you, waste of space. Grian screams, the sound tearing holes in his throat. He turns around and tries to punch the thing pursuing him. They crawl on all fours, neck twisting and cracking in ways that make his skin crawl.

He lands a blow to their face, they howl, a terrible screeching sound. His mind goes clear for a second before he has to clamp his hands over his ears. They’re screeching like worms burrowing into his brain, eating through his skull. 

They lunge at him, too quickly for him to react. They grab him by the throat and fling him. He goes flying. everything cuts out to an inky black in an instant.

__

Stuck in a nightmare, who is he, where is he? Why can't he think, why can't he breathe? He feels like he’s drowning, sinking to the bottom of a lake, the cold seeping in through his bones.

He's drowning…

drowning.

HE’S DROWNING, reality comes snapping back. his lungs burn. It feels like someone is crushing his chest, piling heavy rock after heavy rock on top of him till his ribs collapse. He forces his limbs to swim, he has to get out, he needs to get home, he needs to get back to Pearl.

The light above the water shines in his eyes, the surface is close, it has to be. He forces himself not to breathe in because the only thing that will happen is water filling his lungs.

He climbs to the top in a race against himself, against time, against fate. He’s not ready to die. He breaks the surface and gasps for air. He made it, he’s alive. He's so caught up in the fact that he’s alive that he barely registers anything else.

A hand plucks him from the shore he drags himself onto. Echoing laughter shatters any joy he had. He slowly lifts his gaze to meet a toothy grin, a face made of flowers, and two terrible glaring eyes.

They drop him without a care, tossing him aside like a toy they've grown tired of. Grian scrambles to his feet, backing a good distance from the thing that's tormented him for he doesn't know how long.

“I did what you wanted, now it's your turn to fulfil your part of our deal,' Grian croaks, spitting the blood from his mouth. His heart thuds in his chest, beating loudly, he wouldn't be surprised if the fae could hear it too. His hands are clenched in tight fists, shaking.

“Aww come on, we’re having such fun, why are you mad,” the fae’s voice echoes around him as they climb around the overhanging trees like a spider, or a vulture, circling its next meal and Grian has the uncanny feeling of being prey. They yawn, clearly disinterested in whatever Grian’s saying.

“You tricked me!” Grian almost yells, respect the fae.

They make a loud screeching sound, it thunders through Grian’s head. He covers his ears, his head spins, and his knees burn as he lands hard on the ground. He’s out of breath, his vision is blurred, and he tries to shake it from his head.

The fae lifts him by his face, it crouches over him, body contorting and twisting in ways nobody should, its long fingers curl around his neck and chin, Grian's toes barely touching the ground. He struggles to get away, fear claws his insides, he’s going to die. “Watch your tongue boy, or you may find yourself without one,” they threaten, voice echoing through his skull, pulling him into trust, into a false sense of security. He tries to push their hand away from his face, letgoletgo let GO , he stares at them, rows upon rows of sharp teeth growl back at him. They throw him against a nearby tree, he screams in pain and the fae laughs. His back hits the trunk with a loud thud, he coughs up blood into his dirty hands, ears ringing, loud like fire alarms in the middle of the night that scare you awake.

“I think you’ll come to love this place as it rips you to shreds. Our deal is done.” They coo, but that's wrong , they were supposed to help him find Scar. They see the confusion on his face and laugh. “I did look for your little friend” their voice curls around his neck like a noose, “I’ve looked this entire time,”

Grian tries to stand, black spots cloud his vision, forcing him to the ground as he tries to protest, “b-but-”

“B-b-but,” they mock him, parroting his stuttering voice back, “I never said I would find him,” they grin, sharp teeth glinting in the light, “I’ll enjoy hearing of your tragic death when some other creature finds your horrible rotting corpse,” they trill in cruel laughter. “to be quite honest with you, I've grown bored. You’re not that interesting. I have far better games to play.”

Grian tries to chase after them but they disperse into shadows, they swirl around him, kicking up dirt and leaves, and then they’re gone. Their laughs echo around Grian and then he’s alone, “stupid human”, Panic squeezes his heart, where is he, he’s alone, stupid, stupidSTUPID, why don't you go kill yourself already, then you wouldn't be such a burden to us. You can't do anything right. Grian covers his ears, nonono, stop stop, not now, he tries to shut the voices out, the voice of his mother, his father, the words swirl in his head, he has to go, he has to find Scar, he runs, he doesn’t know where he just picks up his feet and runs. 

His lungs burn, and he dodges trees through blurry tear-filled eyes. He tries to outrun his own mind, even though he’s far far from his parents, they still haunt his every move, they taunt him when he’s at his worst, they tell him he's good for nothing, can't do anything right, he’s a burden, they tell him he’ll never be a real man, the girl he was follows him everywhere. 

He wishes they would all leave him alone, he trips, he flings his arms in front of him to catch himself, but the floor doesn't come, he tumbles down a steep hill, covered in rocks. Trees jut out of the sides, determined to grow. He falls into a small pond with a huge splash. Everything hurts, he tries to stand with shaky legs, but they fall out from underneath him, unable to hold him up anymore.

 He tries to crawl out of the pool, but pain shoots up his wrist, he yelps in pain, and he thinks it's broken. He slowly climbs his way out of the water, the mud is slippery, and he shivers as the wind blows around him. He feels like a trapped animal with no way out, doomed by the narrative. He wonders what those animals think as they watch the documentary people shove cameras in their faces as they die, taunting them. He wonders who’s watching him, maybe another fae. He imagines God watching all of them as they die, his own personal sitcom, does he laugh as we die, as we pray for someone, anyone to help, does he find humor in our despair? The god he was taught of in Sunday school didn't care about him, if he did exist, he turned his back when Grian needed him. Will anyone answer if he prays? Why would they answer now when they never have before?

He inched his way to the giant willow tree. Giant mushrooms grow around it, and the little ravine he’s found himself in is covered in fungi of all sorts. He sits himself up against the trunk of the tree and cries. He cradles his wrist as it throbs painfully. His body is covered in bruises, blood, and dirt caked under his nails, he can feel it under his skin. He wants to scrub it away, he wants to erase the memory from his skin, get the feeling of the forest, of being trapped, off. He’s alone, again. He lets the blood pool in his mouth, he swishes it around, it makes him gag, he’s always hated the taste of blood.

He wants someone to pick him up and hold him, he doesn't want to be alone, his lungs hurt as he breathes in. He may have bruised his ribs. He tries to calm his breathing, his hands shake, but he grabs a handful of dirt with his good hand, and he feels it as he tries to ground himself, he needs something. He focuses on the dampness of it, how the small pebbles feel between his fingers. He wishes someone were there, anyone. He was going to die and nobody would know, nobody would care . 

He rips moss from the ground and holds it gently, his head throbs in pain, he is so so tired. The mushrooms around him seem to lean towards him, he wants to see the sky, and the sun one more time but he can't find the strength to move. He watches the glowing orange fungi start to grow over his legs, he must be dreaming.

What a nice dream , he thinks, to return to the earth as he dies, how poetic. He imagines himself fading away to nothing as the earth consumes him. 

He opens his eyes slowly, barely aware of where or who he is, he looks down at his hands and legs, mushrooms growing out of his skin, his hands have sprouted roots and have grown into the ground, he is no longer made of blood and bone, his arms look weird, green tints them. Oranges and greens cover his legs. He should be alarmed, he thinks he should but he feels safe, he is one with the forest now, he can hear her heartbeat, he can feel her breathing, and he breathes with her. 

Who was he before? He tries to remember, but muddy memories dissolve as he tries to grasp them. Did he have a name? 

It doesn't matter, you’re with me now, I'll take care of you.

That's nice , he hums in his mind. He closes his eyes again. He is one with the forest now, that's all that matters. It's a comfort, the forest whispers sweet things to him, and he forgets the heartache and the pain. Everything is okay now. He sees through her eyes. His body is no longer his own, he feels the soul of the forest, and he feels how connected everything is. She takes in the dying souls of those who live in the forest, she gives to them and they give back to her. She guides them to death. 

_____

Scar ran into the forest, this wasn't good. He’d gone to the bookstore to see Grian again but he wasn't there. He asked Pearl where he was, and she nearly cried. She yelled at him, “ WHERE WERE YOU, he went into the forest looking for YOU TWO WEEKS AGO,” her eyes were filled with worry as she screamed, her fingers clawing into her arms,” He said you lived there, Where the HELL is my Brother!?” She screamed and yelled. He feared she would tear him apart. He calmed her down enough to talk.

“What do you mean he went into the forest?” his eyes widened in terror, he hoped he heard her wrong, or she meant something else. Anywhere but there, please, please.  

“ I mean he went into the goddamn trees to go find you,” she yelled. Scar followed where she pointed, straight into the woods. His heart stopped. “The police wouldn't listen to me, they won't look for him because he’s had a history of running away” she cried, “I need my brother back”.

“I will get him back, I promise-”

“ Yeah, you FUCKING will, or I swear to god I will kill you,” she spits in his face.

_____

His heart thuds in his chest, and he runs faster than he ever has, “ Grian,” he can't find any trace of him, his head screams at him, find himfind himfindhim, find your birdie. He’s gone because of you, all your fault, he desperately cries out into the never-ending forest. He never should have left, he forgot how quickly time moved for humans, he had some errands to run, how could he have gotten so distracted been so careless? He lets the glamour drop, and he bursts out of the small human form, growing taller and taller, he shakes his arms and legs out, vines curl around his body, and his ears grow long and pointed. He jumps high in the air, onto the giant tree branches above, scanning the floor below him. He would find Grian, or spend the rest of his life searching. 

What if Grian got hurt, what if an animal attacked him, what if he ran into the fae? Scar stops himself, going through every possible outcome wouldn't change what happened to him, he had to focus on finding Grian instead of worrying. He can't have wandered too far right?

One hour turned to two, day turned to night, and still nothing. Dread crept into him, he shouldn't have left, how could he have been so stupid, Grian must have thought he was ignoring him. Giant thunderclouds formed overhead, rolling over the skies. Scar continues to search. He knocks on the trunk of an old pine tree, he asks the fae there if they’ve seen any humans wandering in places they shouldn't, he asks pixies, fairies, elves, gnomes, nothing. He wants to tear the forest apart, he has to find Grian, he has to.

Scar’s head starts to spin, his mind spirals, what if, what if whatifwhatif, yourfaultyourfault, he could be hurt , he feels like he can't breathe, like he’s trapped. He can't lose another person, not after finally letting someone in again, aughh I don't have time for this, he pushes his emotions down, shoving his panic to the back corners of his mind, he has to find Grian, what if it's too late. Everything screams at him to run, to break something. Scar jumps at the thunder as the noises of the storm drown out all other sound. A bolt of lightning streaks through the dark gray sky, illuminating the woods in a blinding flash. The clouds above rumble, like echoes of his anger, his fear. His heart thumps in his chest, the roaring in his ears combats the crashing of raindrops, like angry bullets. 

The rain runs down his face, soaking his clothes, he screams out to the sky, the woods, the animals, the rain, he screams till his throat scratches. He slumps against a tree sitting down against the base of its trunk. The bark digs into his skin. He doesn't have time for this. Scar punches the ground and picks himself back up again.

______

Scar watches through the bushes as a fae saunters through the trees, without a care to be had. They spot him, they stop, looking hesitantly as Scar eyes them up and down. “Uhh, do you need something,” they say, a hint of disgust on their face at Scar’s appearance, his haggard hair, and torn clothes?

Scar stares at the familiar red knit sweater fabric tied to the belt the fae wore, he seethes. His skin crawls and itches, they hurt Grian. “ Where is he? ” Scar glares at the fae who looks at him confused. Their eyes gleam with mischief when they find what trapped Scar’s attention, they smirk back at him, they know exactly who he’s talking about. They think this is a game, that if they say the right combination of words they can get something they want.

“Where is who?” they say, laughing at his growing anger. “That's really quite vague, and I'd rather not associate with one as…. Detestable as yourself, so it would be just splendid if you would go on your merry way and leave me be,” they state with an upturned lip.

“If you don't give him back I will gut you and string your insides across the forest like decorations for a twisted celebration, you do not want to cross me,” he threatens but they only laugh. I see how it is . He laughs along with them like he’s heard the funniest thing.

He let his fingers grow longer, each nail forming a sharp point, he felt his magic buzz beneath his skin, itching to make them pay. He crept towards the fae, their face shifted from one of amusement to fear. Scar grins, he loved their fear, he wanted more, he would hurt them like they hurt his birdie. He doesn't have the patience to wait for the fae to decide to tell him what he wants, he needs answers now, and he’s gonna get them, one way or another.

I'm gonna ask you one more time, you have one more chance before I will make good on my words," he hisses, they shrink away from him, crouching down in a defensive stance. Finally, they understand, " Where is he "

"I don't know, maybe he's dead, maybe I killed him, maybe I didn't, maybe it was your fault, his blood is on your hands. If you wanted the human alive you shouldn't have let him wander around like a stray kitten, you should have kept your little pet out of the woods" They snicker, trying to hide their fear with a facade Scar could see right though but their words sting like venom.

Scar reaches out lightning fast and grabs hold of their face, they look shocked, they yelp as they scramble to get away but Scar holds tight. He squeezes tight, tighter, tighter, Crack ... they scream. It echoes through the forest, but no one would come to help them. He was the only one who could hear their screams. The trees loomed overhead, watching the show. Blood trickles out of their mouth, it drips down Scar's arm as he lifts them higher, they are crying, yelling. He doesn't care. 

He slams them on the ground, they cry out in torment as they hold their jaw in place, they’re lucky he didn't rip it off, lucky he didn't kill them where they stood. Scar lifts his foot and crushes their chest, they wither below his weight.

"I'll alk, pleasstop" they mumble out as they cry. He smiles, he wants every word they speak to cause them pain, every sentence. Every vowel, everything, he never wants them to forget this, he wants them to remember the day they dared to cross him, to regret the day they hurt his songbird.

"Ahh, see. You're finally understanding. We didn't have to do all this,now did we? Tell me where he is"

"Ihad him, we e madedeal, deal done, I left him" Scar feels their ragged breaths as they struggle for air under his weight, as the blood pools in their mouth while they try not to drown in it.

Scar takes a deep breath and smoothes his hair, pulling it out of his face. " Where. Is. He. " He repeats slowly 

“I dontknow! Canshow where saw lasst” they try to push his foot off of their chest.

"Wonderful" he says with a clap of his hand, he offers his hand to the fae, who scrambles away from him. He laughs, "ohhahhah, none of that, now get up.” Scar hums to himself as they carefully pick themselves up, cradling their chin. Scar glares at them, “see, I can't trust you. Now, let me make myself and what I want clear to you, if you betray me, I will hunt you down, and when I find you, you will wish I had killed you the first time. I will cause you so much pain you will wish for death, I will ruin you and anyone you care about, I will take everything you hold dear and destroy it. I will make your sorrowful existence miserable" He sneers. "Got it."he says cheerily. 

Scar takes their silence as a yes, he sees their entire body shake, he smiles, "lead the way, you monster " he shoved their shoulder, he hears them try to muffle a cry of pain as their hand shifts their broken jaw, he wants them to feel the scrape of bone against itself, every step they take will make them want to give up, they will shudder in pain when they stumble, he wonders if they will wish for death like he did because maybe death is better than all consuming agony.

“Oh,” he muses, “and one more thing”, he walks straight up to the fae, face to face, he grabs hold of the tattered piece of Grians sweater and yanks it off their belt. They yell out in pain as they are pulled once again to the ground. Scar holds the piece of fabric close to his chest. He wouldn't let the only piece of Grian he’d come across stay with the rapscallion who caused harm to his songbird.

They walk for what seems like hours, Scar wants to run, he wants to crash into Grian and take him home, get him out of this place, Grian doesn't know how the fae works, he could have died, he could be dead. Scar wants to kill the fae, he wants to tear their limbs from their body, what's a few missing fingers, they don't need both arms, right? He wanted to rip them to shreds for even touching Grian, he could pluck their eyes from their skull, he would savour their screams.

Scar nearly bumps into the fae as they stop, “where are we” he demands. 

They point to a tree, it seems like any other, “if this is a trick, a joke, it's not funny, i swear i will kill you,” he stomps up to them.

They throw their hand in front of their face, He sees the tear stains that trail down their face as he glares down at them, “n-noo,look” the walk to the tree and tug a small patch of red yarn from it. 

Scars heart jolts, “where did he go” Scar says as he snatches the small piece from their hands. He takes the small piece and holds it close to the small piece of Grians sweater he's held close to him the entire walk, terrified that he’ll lose it too if he even loosens his death grip on the thing.

He held tight to the scraps of Grian, like they were the only things keeping him grounded, he felt like he would float away without them, slowly drifting farther and farther away from reality. He didn't even deserve Grian to begin with, he was an amazing friend, he hasn't had anyone for years and as soon as he starts to accept Grian as part of his life he’s gone, like a leaf in the wind. He needs to know this piece is real, that Grian is still out there, that he’s not making it up. He feels the fire grow inside him, the readiness to fight, he wouldn't stop till he made things right again. 

“I dontkno, that way ithink” they jumble their words as tears form in their eyes. They slowly backed away from him, their eyes pleading with him, let me go. They are pathetic, Scar cant even bring himself to feel sorry for the fae, they had it coming the moment they hurt Grian.

Scar imagines busting their head through a tree, smashing their skull, their bones, till there's nothing left. He wants to hurt them, he wants to ruin them, destroy them completely because how dare they, how dare they hurt Grian, his friend, his lover… though, after the stunt he pulled he would be lucky if Grian ever talked to him again. Voids, how could he have been so utterly stupid, so careless, he should have never left. Whispers edge at the back of his mind, you were never worthy of him to begin with. Why did you get attached, he was never going to stay, one way or another he would have left your life, he was never yours to have, don't you remember last time, or any countless times before that? They never stay, what made you think he was different, he has a life, don't drag him down. He shoves them aside because he really doesn't have time for this, all that matters is finding Grian and getting him home, where he will be safe.

“You may leave,” Scar dismisses them with an annoyed huff, they turn their back and start to run, “but..” they stop in their tracks, frozen to the spot, he can see the way their body shakes, he can practically taste their fear, he revels in it, intoxicated by how it makes him feel like he’s in control of something. He latches onto the feeling, “if I ever see you again, if you ever cross me, it will be the last. Understand?” He spits, and he means every word.

They squeak in response, they dart into the trees away from Scar, running as fast as they can, even through the pain that every step brings them. Scar follows the path of broken branches, come on Grian, where are you. He shudders as a cold breeze sweeps past him, he’s so close, he knows it, he has to be.

He almost loses the trail, more times than he was comfortable with. It was barely a trail at all, he had to hope that Grian just ran straight ahead and stayed on that path, he has 

to run into Grian eventually… he tugs at the loose ends of the old sweater, a small comfort may it be but a comfort nonetheless. 

He walks and walks, it all seems hopeless, maybe it's futile, but he’s too stubborn to give up. One more broken branch, one more possible way Grian went. He yawns, he’s exhausted. No sleep, no breaks, no food, he wasn't hungry anyways. He pushed forward. 

He stumbled on a stray rock, tripping over himself. He wanted to lay down, then and there, the rain pittered on his back, a small nudge to keep going, he wondered if the forest was on his side, if she would help him find Grian, he doubted it, she didn't choose sides, neither did fate. He gathered his strength and stood back up, he had to.

He stared down at the ground below him, at the cliff. Oh no, Grian please no. He saw a trail of broken branches, plants, leading all the way to the bottom. As he looked closer he could see shredded bits of yarn were tangled around a few of the branches.

 He forces his legs to move from where they are rooted to the ground. He jumps down, landing gracefully on a large patch of moss, its soft under his feet as he slowly approaches the tree. Tiny spores float all around him, they cling to his hair, his clothes, like they are welcoming him back from a long trip, he’s not ready to go back yet. 

The fungus glows dimly in the dark, green, orange, cyan, purple, he thinks he would find this all the more beautiful if he had time to admire its beauty,  if he wasn’t worried about someone. At the base of a giant willow tree he can make out the blurry shape of a person, small mushrooms and vines curl around them, they grow into the ground, like they had always been there. The long hanging branches of the tree sway gently in the breeze, they beckon him closer, it's hypnotising, they dance to the song the forest sings, the russell of leaves in the wind, the sound of birds in the sky, the rushing river, the sound of water as it crashes into the rocks.

He hopes they aren't who he thinks they are, who he’s sure they have to be, very few live when the forest decides it's your time. He sees the familiar dusty brown hair, the same face he kissed before, but he’s different, is he even alive? He’s coloured a greyish green, he looks half dead. He thinks he’s going to be sick, nonono, birdie please, please be alive. He watches Grian’s chest rise and fall, too slowly, he’s dying. “Please, I need you, don't die on me.” he pleads, unwelcome tears stream down his face. This can't be real, please don't let this be real, his body shakes, his chest feels full of nails, the sharp points stab his insides, he wants to claw them out, he wants to be rid of the crushing weight on his chest. 

 Scar kneels next to him, the ground is soft below him, it calls to him to come closer, just lie down, everything will be ok, he pushes the thoughts away, he knows magic when he sees it. “Oh birdie, what happened?” his heart breaks, he brushes away the moss that clings to Grian’s face. He doesn't look like himself anymore, Scar doesn't think Grian is human anymore. This place changed him, but he would recognise his birdie anywhere, in any lifetime. 

He gently takes Grian’s hand in his own, the roots growing out of his fingers break away, Scar smooths away the little stumps, he kisses Grian’s hand. His stomach ties itself in knots. He slowly works the plants away from Grian, he makes them release him, give him back to me, please. He hunched over Grian's body, if he could switch their places he would, he wished on every star that he could, he wanted to see Grian’s smile again, hear his laugh, feel the warmth of Grian’s hands in his hair. He wants to make him blush, to hold him, to kiss him, he doesn’t want to lose all of this. He would never forgive himself.

He works away the vines, untangling them from where they wrap around Grian’s legs and torso, he tries to keep his hands from shaking, to keep a clear head, let him go, let him go, he just wants Grian back. They vines try to nudge him away, he lightly shoves them back, “I’m sorry, you cant have him, not yet.”

He slowly lifts Grian from the ground, he’s lighter than he was before, his body is longer, like the earth stretched it out. His head rolls back, his body is limp, almost lifeless. Small leaves sprout out of his skin, his arms and legs are peppered with greens and oranges. The mushrooms wrapped around his back break off, new ones reach up for him, like a gentle request to bring him back, “it's not his time, ” Scar whispers, “ there are people who need him to live a little longer.” He thanks the stars Grian’s still alive, but his breaths are shallow, will he wake up in the morning? Will he ever wake up? Scar fears the worst, he wants to pretend everything is fine but he can't when faced with the reality that he may lose Grian forever. He won’t lose another person, he won't let him die. 

Scar carries Grian all the way to his house and gently lays him on his bed. He’s careful to not hurt Grian , don't hold him too tight, don't let him fall, dont trip, watch his head. He pulls the covers over Grians cold body. He gently combes Grian’s hair out of his face and plants a kiss on his forehead. “I'm so sorry love,” he cries. 

__________

He slowly opens his eyes, where am I? He can't remember what… the fae, the deal, he did what they wanted, all too well, then… they left him in the forest to die, am I dead? His heart thumps in his chest nervously. He’s in a giant bed, the sheets are soft, the patterns on the fabric seem to move, swirling around and bleeding into one another. He swings his legs over the side to walk to the door, he jumps as something moves in the corner of his eye. Just a mirror , he sighs. He looks at himself.

He jumps back in horror, two glowing eyes stare back at him. He looks down at his arms, a strange fungus grows out of them, he tries to scrub away at it, it doesn't come off, he looks back up at himself, it's everywhere, 

Who is he, what is he?, ş̴̗̙͈͉͕̝̱̻̣̻̈́̾̈́͐ő̶̦̲̗̱̖̙͌̒m̸̨̢̼͕̝̼̪̠̥͖̗͇̖͌́̈͐̉̈́̈͋̅ḙ̶̪̻͐̐b̶̯̩̳͑̄͌ŏ̶͙̪̗̰̪̭͍͙̯̟̣̯͚̆͘d̷̛̝͈̹̬̈́̑̾̊͊̈́́̒̂̈̚̕͘͝y̷̢͉͖͈̋̓̓͐̿̄̉̈̓̚ ̵̢̧̡̥͔̫̟̗͑͛͋͑̔̌̒͐͌̚͝ḥ̸̢͖̙̠̖̻͈̣̝̠͊̋̆̓̈́̀͝͝e̶̡̖͇͚̺̱̖̜̰̗͍̰̍̏̃͊̆͛͂͐̇͋̀̒͜͠ͅḽ̶̡̧̼̳̞̙͉̮̦͕̟̉̀̈̄̈̾͌̂͗̀̓͜͠͝͝p̵̛͓̼̳̮̰͍̲̱̫̠̝͙͗̀̌̏͛͌̌̿͘̕͜͜͝,̴̧͓̻̠͓̯͚͔͚̚ ̶͓̺̳̱̩͚͗̔͊̊ͅḩ̴͔̖̎͆͂̃͌̇̂̎̓͗̂̐̄͊͝ể̷͈̖̞̭̘̭͇̤̼̭̓̎̀̓̇͋͠͝l̶̢͈͕̘̞̟̤̔͜ͅp̷̢̮̰̹͖̞͗̔͐̅̆͗͂̊̄̈́̐̕̕͠,̶̛̦̀̀́̓͋̽̂̆͒̋͘̕ ̸̗͔͓͓͈̭͓̐͒͑̂̎͆͋͋̀̊̓̚̕H̴̢̤̤͓̰͚̮̖͈͎͈̍͆͛̓̊̄̌̇̓̏́̍̕̕͝Ĕ̴͓̈͂̆̒L̸̲̱̘̩̯̙̗͚̏͛̾P̸̡̨͕̩̮̘̠͔̱̙̒̊́̈͆̓̓͛̊͜ ̶̢̡͍̮̬̮̹͓̗̬̫͚̱̑̋̀̒̍͛̋͜͝M̶̻̪̤̭̿̉̈́Ḙ̸͉̭̄͌̎͌̊̽̐̀̏̚͝͝

His chest hurts, he doubles over, gasping for air that's just out of reach, he tries to stand, tries to push himself up from the bed, his legs fall out from beneath him and he falls over onto the mirror. An unfamiliar reflection greets him, I'm a monster, the mirror crashes to the floor as his legs give out. He cries, hot, sticky tears fall down his face, in the shards of glass he can see himself, his body is contorted, mushrooms sprout out of his head, there are holes in his skin, his face, his eyes are black with glowing white irises, he can't stand what he sees. He touches his face, he can't recognise himself. His hands shake, his fingers are too long, too green, too sharp. Glass digs into his legs and hands as he slams his fists on the ground. He grabs a handful of splintered glass, he squeezes it till he bleeds, the familiar pain bursts in his hands, he cant breath, he can't think, he refuses to open his eyes, this isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real, he chants to himself like a mantra. Maybe saying it will make it true.

He screams, a guttural throat tearing scream as he stares at himself through the shards.

Someone speaks to him, he can barely hear them over the screaming, they grab his hands, gently forcing him to drop the shards as blood drips from them. He feels them pick the stray shards out of his flesh, the words they speak swirl in his mind,voice breaking and stopping, they could be talking gibberish for all he knew. He was a monster, a freak, he was dreaming, he had to be, right? You’re a disappointment, worthless, d̵̢̘͂͑̕͝͝i̴̛̭̼̯͍͎͛̈́̑͋̓͑͆̌̎̚͜͠͠͝s̸̨̨̟̩͓͚͕̦̞͚̯̼͈̽̌̂́g̶͓̩͔̦̣͛̅͠u̸̡̨͉͈̬̓̓̂̅̓̇s̴̛̐̈́̈́̎̽͆ͅt̶̳̼̘͓̰͇̱̖͎͇̓̏̍i̵̡͕̼̥̞̙̩̜̠͛̈̒̏̇͊͆̄̏͌̓̕͜͝n̶̬̖̲̘̝̍̾͝͝g̶͔͕͔̯̱̠͙̲͇͒̓͆̍̎̔̍̈̎͂̐̌͝ ̷̝̩̮̈́̈́̍.

Two hands cup his face, he opens his eyes, he makes out a blurry figure through his tears. “I'm here birdie, I'm here now.” a soft voice says, comfort and dread pool in his gut like poison. They turn his insides, he thinks he’s going to be sick. Flashes of forest, he’s underground, buried alive, can’t move can’t breathe, help, help. “make it stop, make it sstopp” he mutters, quietly.

Warm hands move across his face, holding his head up, pulling him from the dirt, from the ground, “shhh, I’m here, I’m here”. 

Forest for miles, things in the shadows, his head swirls with flashes of green and brown, blurring together, making his head spin painfully. “S-Scar?” he slurs, his hands shaking even more.

“Yesyes, it's me, you've got to breathe for me love, can you do that?” Scar questions, he’s so kind, Grian doesn't deserve it. 

“Don’t look at m-me,” Grian tries to push Scar away, but his arms are heavy, it hurts to move, his bones feel hollow on the inside, he doesn't feel like himself, everything is wrong. His head screams at him, keeping him rooted to the floor.

 Scar brushes Grians bangs out of his face, “Why not songbird?'' Grian looks at Scar, he doesn’t shrink away from him, doesn't look at him with anything other than love, he should leave, does his appearance not scare him?

Grian tries to speak but words fail him, he just cries. He sobs into Scar's hands, he lets Scar hold him in a tight hug. “Breathe,” Scar rubs his back as he tries to calm his breath, he follows Scar, he breathes in when his chest rises, matching their breaths. Skin rotting away, the forest eating up all that's left till there’s no trace. His body shakes, he can't do this, this can't be real.

Scar sits Grian up to look at him, Scar wipes his tears away, “hey hey, it's okay love,” he smiles softly. Grian’s breath hitches, he opens his mouth, he tries to say something, anything, still nothing comes out. He can't stop the tears, his hands are sticky with blood.

“It's gonna be okay,” Grian shakes his head, it's not going to be okay, nothing is okay, he just wants to go home, he never wants to go home, how could he face his sister, how could he face himself when he didn't know what he was anymore.

“Nono no, hey Grian, breathe. Breathe, I'm sorry,” Scar rubs his thumb up and down Grian’s cheek, he is pulled towards the sensation for a moment, something in his brain tugging him back to reality. He focuses on the touch, grounding himself to it, he clings to the sensation like his life depends on it, he feels he may drown without it, it's the thing keeping him afloat, keeping him from drowning in a sea of his own tears, a sea he’s nearly drowned in before.

“I-I’m a monster ” Grian huffs, worthless, disgusting, his head swims with everything everyone’s ever called him, everything he’s become, everything he is. 

“That's not true-” Scar tries but Grian cuts him off because Scar is wrong, he’s wrong even if Grian doesn't want him to be.

“ YES, it is. LOOK AT ME Scar, l-look at m-me and tell me tha-that I'm n-not!" Grian yells, he’s found his voice and all he wants to do is scream, scream until he can’t anymore, scream until his voice scratches painfully and gives out.

Scar turns Grian’s head to look at him, he gently squeezes the sides of his face, “ Grian , you are not a monster.”

He feels like someone has rammed a spear through his heart, “what am I?” His voice echoes through his thoughts, he needs to know, what is he, he isn't human anymore, he doesn't feel the same, he feels like the world has shifted but he didn't shift with it, he got left behind.

Scar sits up straighter and looks Grian dead in the eyes, “you are Grian.” he says boldly, and Grian almost laughs, “You are as beautiful as the day I lost you,” Scar lifts Grian’s bleeding hands, he wipes his thumb against the broken skin on his knuckles and kisses them gently.

Grian looks at Scar and gives him a weak smile, that's not what he meant and Scar knows it, he leans forward and traps Scar in a hug, “ You’re such a sap.”

Scar returns the hug, “I know birdie, I know.” Grian hides his face in Scar’s shoulder, his shirt soaks up his tears, he feels safe in Scar’s arms, he never wants to leave, maybe for this moment, he can be okay.

He listens to the steady beat of Scar’s heart and clings to it like it's the only thing keeping him afloat. He lets Scar lift him from the floor and guide him out of the glass-covered floor. Scar catches him when his legs shake and he stumbles. Scar talks to him, telling him he's doing good, that he’s safe now, and Grian wants to believe it, he wants to believe it so badly but he can't.

His arms are heavy, his bones feel like they’re made of lead, pulling him down under the water. He’s only brought back by Scar’s gentle touch, his kind words that Grian doesn't understand because nothing makes sense. 

He’s sitting down, when did he sit down? Where is he, this isn't his house, where is Pearl? Pearl… what would she think when she sees him, now all he can think of is what she’ll say when she finds out. If she’ll scramble away from him, saying that he’s not her brother, that he’s a monst -

Gentle hands cup his face, “you are not a monster birdie,” a warm voice says. “And I’ll keep telling you till you believe it.” Scar ran his fingers through Grian's short messy hair, he unconsciously leaned into the touch, wanting to make sure it's real, Scar reminds him, “You’re here now, you are safe, I'm not leaving unless you want me to, promise," the air shifts. With his last statement, Grian wraps his arms around Scar, pulling him closer. Don't leave me please, I don't want to be alone, don't leave don’tleavedon’tleave.

Scar adjusts Grian to tuck him under his chin, slowly rocking them side to side and Grian must fall asleep because the world fades out as Scars' quiet humming lulls him to a dreamless quiet.

_____

Grian wakes up on an unfamiliar couch, a fuzzy blanket wrapped around him, and for a minute he can pretend he fell asleep at a friend's house, that everything is normal, but the crushing weight of reality falls back on him, and it's like he can't breathe again. He untangles his hands from the mess of blankets and just stares at them. They’re too long, his nails now form sharp claws. There are bandages around each hand, Scar must have done that while he was asleep. Scar, where was Scar?

Grian hesitantly swings his legs over the side of the couch, refusing to look down at them. He takes a deep breath as he tries to stand, his feet wobble beneath him and he falls backwards, straight back down, but being his stubborn self he gets up again, this time bracing himself on the armrest, slowly making his way to the door, the wooden walls keeping him from falling over. Is he taller than he was? The floor seems too far away, he’s too high up, and his head swims. He holds onto the door frame catching his breath, trying to ignore the way his head pounds.

Something clatters to the floor in the next room over, making Grian quite nearly jump out of his skin. The sound rattles around in his skull, making him wince because that does not help the boiling headache that he woke up with. He hears Scar fussing over something as he presumably goes to fetch what's fallen. Grian makes his way to the sound where he finds Scar struggling to make what he thinks are pancakes.

Grian laughs at Scar's poor attempt to flip it, watching as Scar sighs at the burnt… thing Scar tried to make. He whips around to face Grian, red creeping up his face as he trips over himself, “Oh, hi, you're awake,” Scar quickly stands up smiling at Grian, “How are you feeling?”

Grian squeezes the edges of the doorframe, his nails sinking into the wood before he realises and stops. “That wasn't a dream, was it,” he asks quietly and the silence is louder than any answer he could have gotten. He feels sick, his stomach twists painfully.

Scar slowly walks up to Grian, wiping his hands on his apron. He takes Grian’s hands in his own and leads him to a chair, pulling up an extra one to sit next to him. “I'm so sorry, you didn't deserve any of that to happen to you and I'm so sorry I wasn't there.”

Grian doesn't know what to say. Scar gently squeezes Grian's hand, rubbing his thumb across his skin, “birdie,” he tries, searching for words, “I know it's not a good time but I do have to tell you something. Will you look at me please?” Grian slowly drags his eyes up meeting Scar's worried face, eyebrows scrunched up. He slowly scans Scar's face, something is different.

“I wish there was an easy way to say this but there isn't,” Scar takes his hands back, folding his arms over his chest, and Grian immediately misses the feeling of his hands in his. “And it's okay if you want to leave and never look back but please just wait for a while,” dread creeps into his gut, why is Scar saying it like he’s done something terrible?

Grian's throat is scratchy and hoarse from the night before, “Scar, you're Scaring me”. Fear pins him to place, it's like he’s back under the nightmarish fae’s control, helpless . Couldn't leave even if he wanted to, he's trapped, trapped, his heart races, afraid of a threat that isn't there anymore.

Scar's face pinches into something painful, “I.. I'm not human, please don't be scared, I would never hurt you, I swear on the stars above, on my life.'' When Grian blinks, it's like a haze has been lifted, the fog cleared and he can see Scar, actually see him. His ears are long and pointed, gold jewellery hanging from each one, his eyes seem to reflect the forest, and deep greens swirl together in each one. Grian’s mouth goes dry.

“Y-you're one of them,” Scar is one of the fae , one of the things Leon warned him about, but that made no sense, Scar was kind and nice, and never forced him to do anything, never twisted his words . Grian tries to think back, did Scar ever use his name to force something out of Grian? He can't remember, did Scar ever use him like the other fae did?

Grian laughs quietly, raking his hands through his hair, it all makes sense now, how Scar was so clueless about things that should have been normal, like a date, or his age. Just his luck . Grian hooks his hands around the back of his neck, letting his nails dig into the skin, trying to feel something.

Scar tries to say something, tries to apologise but Grian interrupts him, “I think your food is burning again” he interjects blandly. He feels the curve of a smile appear as he watches Scar’s face go from confusion to realisation as he bounces out of his chair to stop his house from catching on fire. 

Grian stands from his chair on shaking legs, cursing them and forcing himself to take step after step. He touches Scar on the shoulder, Scar jumps like he’s been electrocuted. Grian takes the pan from him and sets it down on the stovetop. “I think it's my turn to make breakfast”, and Scar nods.

He watches Scar fiddle with his hands, standing near the wall uncharacteristically nervous which sets Grian on edge. Scar is always the one with a grin on his face, ready to get into silly shenanigans. Scar, t he one who runs head first into everything, who doesn't fear death, who gets into accidents and laughs them off like it's nothing, is nervous. Grian grabs the mixing bowl, pouring a scoop of pancake batter into the hot pan. 

He focuses his mind on pouring the batter, on the food, on something other than the truth. “I'm not angry,” yet, Grian says slowly, choosing his words carefully. “I… I just need some time.” he rubs his discoloured hands over his face, accidentally nicking himself forgetting that he now has the equivalent of claws connected to him instead of his dull fingernails. He wants to feel some kind of emotion but everything is numb.

Grian works around the kitchen, finishing making breakfast for the two of them, and sets a plate down in front of Scar. His mind swirls with questions, but he just wants to lie down, ignore them all. Grian sits next to Scar. They sit in silence, staring at the food in front of them.

Grian shifts his hands in his lap, “So, you’re fae?” He doesn't know why he asks when he knows the answer, maybe to hear Scar say it, maybe so he knows he isn't just making this all up.  

Scar turns to look at Grian but Grian keeps his eyes trained on his plate, on the swirls of steam rising from the pancakes. “Yes.” Scar waits for Grian to say something else, for Grian to do anything, but Grian stays still, the shake in his hands the only indication that he heard. “Stars above, songbird, I'm so sorry. I should have told you before, I just didn't know how, a-and then I had to go.” Scar stutters, his brain moving faster than his mouth, “I never would have left if I had a choice in it, i-” The words fill his ears like hot tar, finally triggering something else in him that the dull numb sensation his mind and body were stuck in.

“Where did you go?” Grian bites, “You disappeared for weeks, I-I got scared something had happened to you. T-that you got hurt, no contact no nothing?” Grian balls his hands into fists, hating the way his voice quakes. He shuts his mouth with a click to stop the rest of the words from tumbling out, the stupid insecurities, did you regret kissing me, did you hate me, did I do something wrong? 

Scar hesitantly reaches out for Grian, curling his hand away at the last second, as if remembering himself, “I had some business to attend to, some incomplete deals I had to wrap up, I swear I thought I would only be gone for a day. I never meant for this to happen.” Grian feels Scar’s eyes on him, like a question, I'm sorry, can you forgive me, so sorry. Scar blows his hair from his face as if trying to think of something to say and failing.

Grian tries to wrap his brain around what happened the past few days? Weeks? Have been. Oh, I think I missed dinner, did Pearl sit waiting for him to come home? How long did she wait till she started to freak out? What about Jimmy, he lost his phone sometime during that time, was he worried? What would they think when he came back like this, all.. Wrong. Would they recognize him, would they still love him? What even is he, he doesn't look human, he doesn't feel human. Something in him has shifted, so devastatingly incredibly shifted. “ What am I?” 

Grian stared at Scar, waiting for his answer. Scar gripped the sides of his chair. “You are part of the forest now. You weren't meant to survive mother spore,” Scar takes a shaky breath, “but, I couldn't let you dissolve into nothing.” 

Grian pushes himself up from the table, he wants, needs , to get away from this. None of this is real, it can't be, nononono. He forces his legs to move, reminding them how to bend but something tugs on his foot, making him trip. He hits the floor with a painful thud, rattling his whole body like his bones are made of glass and any moment they will shatter and he’ll fall apart. He turns his head with enough power to snap it off to stare at the thing coiled around his ankle. He fists his hands in his hair, hysterical laughter bubbling out because, GOD why fucking not, someone must find this funny, that his whole life is over, that he can never walk down the street like normal, that everyone will know something’s different about him because it marks his skin like a brand. It hits him all at once. Nothing will ever be the same again.

Small mushrooms pushed their way through the floorboards to cling to his skin like mould. He tears them off, breaking them apart. Scar stares at him, probably to see if Grian’s lost his mind yet and Grian’s starting to believe he has because this can't be happening.

“Grian, are you okay?” Scar jumps out of his chair to help him, he backs away from Scar because he’s fae, and he tricked Grian. For a moment, he sees the realisation and hurt on Scar's face before he tucks it away.

Grian wants to scream and cry and yell at everything, “No I am not fucking okay , my life is GONE , and I'm a freak, a-and you tricked me,” his voice hiccups and he hates it, he hates all of this, “I lived a fucking nightmare for days and then I became a plant” he laughs because this is too funny to be real, absurd really . Why did Scar bring him back, he doesn't want to face this reality, he doesn't want to live like this, “ y-you should have let me die '' his voice cracks and splinters like breaking wood. Scar's eyes grow wide, Grian sees the slight tremor in Scar’s hands, sees the way tears fill his eyes, and maybe he took it too far … but he doesn't care. He doesn't want to exist, it hurts too much.

“No, birdie, please don't say that” Scar quietly pleads. Grian pushes himself off of the floor because he can't stand seeing Scar cry too, not knowing that it's his fault, just like everything else is, you deserve this, it's been a long time coming. Now you’re truly a monster.

_____

Scar lets Grian stay in his room while he sleeps on the couch. Grian spends the days all the same. He doesn't even try to get out of bed anymore, he’s too tired anyway. He wonders if he lays here long enough he’ll grow roots, slowly be pulled down to the ground again. Every day Scar brings him food, talks to him, and tries to get him to get up and do something , but it never works. It's sweet how he tries but it doesn't matter. He’s done surviving. 

his head pounds from waking up crying from nightmares, muffling his sobs in the middle of the night. His hair hurts from how hard he pulls it, his skin hurts from the places he’s rubbed it off, from the gashes in his arms from his newfound claws, and his body hurts from refusing to eat. everything screams at him to give up, and he wants to, he really wants to. The thoughts left to simmer for years finally bubbled over but it doesn't matter now. nothing does, his life is over, he was never going to grow old, he was never naive enough to believe that. something would have pushed him over the edge eventually.

There's a gentle rap on the door, Scar slowly opens the door. “Hey birdie, do you want to get up today? I know it's late but we could watch the stars." Grian rolls over, turning his back to Scar, hiding his face under the blankets, he just wants to sleep.

The bed dips to the side as Scar sits next to him, hesitantly touching his arm, he so badly wants to lean into it but forces himself not to. He misses the warmth of Scar holding him, reminding him he’s real, that he’s his own person again but with that comes everything else that comes with being a person. That tomorrow still comes, that it's only the end of the world for him but everyone else is fine. 

“There are so many amazing things I want to show you, but I can't when you stay in here all day,” Scar chuckles lightly, but Grian can hear the strain in his voice, the tiredness behind it. Grian is waiting for the day Scar gets tired of him and finally kicks him out, he wonders how long it’ll take, a week, a month? 

Scar sighs, the bed shifts as he repositions himself, leaning against the headrest. “I guess I could tell you but it's amazing to see in person.” Scar reaches out for Grian and when he doesn't protest, he gently runs his hands through Grian’s hair. Grian hates to admit it but it feels nice, helps him feel less alone, helps him feel a little better, like a breath of air keeping him alive but he’s still drowning and he’s running out of strength to keep swimming.

“I don't think you know much about the fae so I’ll start from the beginning. Nobody really knows when the fae came to be, not even us. The original fae died out several millennia ago. We just kinda show up where nature is, where the forests are and each forest has its own network of connections. Some, not all, are connected to certain animals, bugs, or plants,” the foxglove fae… Grian pushes them from his head, he never wants to see them again.

“All of us have certain abilities due to our connection to the forest. For example, I can control plant life to a certain extent, among other things.” Scar pauses, Grian can guess what comes next in his rambling. “Fae also have the ability to warp one’s mind if given possession of your real name.” Grian tenses, not wanting to think about it, about how he was so stupid because he knows. He knows and he hates it.

Scar shifts his story, clearly realising where he went wrong, “The stars are also an important part of us. We were the stars and we become stars again when we die.” Grian works his mind around the words, it sounds nice. Sounds better than some bullshit plan where he’d end up in hell for being himself.

“How do you know?” he whispers, the first acknowledgment of Scar's presence in the past few days. He hears Scar’s earrings cling together quietly as he jerks his head towards him. Grian can hear the way Scar's voice picks up, he can imagine Scar’s smile, the way his eyes would scrunch up. 

“Well, when we die we don't exactly leave behind bodies, sort of. There is matter left over but most of us fade away as our souls return to the skies. The fae are made from land and sky which is why we have the power we do. The stars wanted to create something so they reached down to earth and we appeared.” Scar brushes Grian’s hair back, out of his face. He slowly turns to Scar who smiles sweetly at him. “Hello birdie”

Grian wraps his arms around Scar's waist, pulling himself closer to Scar, and he lets him. Scar lets Grian cling to him when he has done nothing to deserve his kindness. He yelled at Scar, made him cry, then ignored him for days, and never apologised. Why do you stay, why do you care? 

Scar trails his fingers across his skin, across the patches of green and orange, across the gray-tinged spots. He hums quietly and Scar laughs. “Fae can’t travel far from the forest they originate from, they can't leave the source of their life, they are as much a part of the forest as the trees or the dirt.” Scar rambles on and Grian listens.

“If you’d like to know about Mother Spore I can tell you, but we can wait if you don't want to right now,” Scar offers. he does want to know, he is so painfully curious but is he ready, ready to face the truth?

Accepting what happens means accepting that his life is never going to be the same, that he can't spend his days in the bookshop with his sister. That he probably will never be able to visit Jimmy again. He’ll have to face his reflection. “Okay”

He squeezes Scar tighter, Scar rakes a hand through his hair, “Mother Spore is apart of our forest, her network of mushrooms stretches below the entire forest. You know about mushrooms, that's what she is. She is the spirit of this forest, the biggest rollercoaster at the theme park.

When animals die, the fungus absorbs their bodies, when plants die, mushrooms grow over them. She is connected to death in a way nothing else is. She takes the dead and dying, which is why she tried to take you.” Scar trails off, getting lost in his thoughts. He was dying, Scar found him dying, and he told Scar he should have let him die . Guilt twists in his gut.

Scar snaps out of it but when he speaks his voice is a little sadder, a little more hesitant, more nervous, “Songbird, you’re now connected to her in a way very few others are. She never takes the living and doesn't take the dying unless they wander to her. You got yourself stuck in her heart, where she lives, where she is most powerful.” Scar takes a breath, “it is not impossible to save the dying. You have to get them out before she absorbs you and takes you back to the ground from which we all are made. I found you just in t-time” his voice shakes. Grian looks up from where his face is buried in Scar's side, eyebrows pulled together in concern, confusion, guilt . 

Scar looks down at Grian, “I don't know much about what happens now, but you are connected to her, the mushrooms will answer your call as they answer hers. You can call to her and she will answer. She will protect you because you are a part of her, she will protect you like a mother .” Grian shudders, flashes of his childhood play in his head, his mother ridiculing him when he cut his hair when he dressed differently, and her screaming at him when he was outed. He hopes she will be better than his mom, he hopes she is like the moms in story books, like the moms his friends had, like Jimmy's mom, like Leon.

Scar scoots down, and Grian temporarily lets go. Scar lays next to him, the two of them face to face. Grian presses his forehead to Scar’s and forces the words to come out, “I'm sorry” and he wants to say more. He wants to tell Scar how much it means to him that he tries, that he stays when Grian can't even muster the strength to get out of bed, and that Scar refuses to leave even though he should.

Scar looks at him and there's so much in his eyes, pain, confusion, understanding, love, hate, joy, rage. “I'm sorry too love.”

“What was it like, when you were with her? ” Scar asks quietly, hesitantly, like he’s afraid to know the answer, what was death like, what was rebirth like, what was it like waking up and finding yourself in an unfamiliar body, what was it like knowing any life you had before was over? Grian’s mind swirls, so many things go through his head before he decides on one, one of the less devastating answers. 

Gods, he had no idea what he was talking about, he had no idea what life he had tumbled into but it was his, he thinks, and eventually he’ll have to face it but for now, he’s content to hide in Scar’s arms, hide from the world outside, the town he no longer had a place in, the forest that he now belonged to.

Grian pauses, it was so many things, he doesn’t know how to explain, “It was bliss, I was one with the forest. It was the most beautiful thing ever but…” he struggled for words, he swallows past the lump in his throat, fighting to keep talking like every word was a battle like it could be his last but he would never give his voice up again, he was Grian and he was here, he was real. He wants to reach out to Scar to feel him, to know he’s real, he folds his arms away to stop himself, don't be stupid , his mind hisses at him, “I think I was dying… I was losing myself, I couldn't remember who I was, what my name was, Pearl… you. She said everything was okay and I-I believed her, she took away the pain.”

“Did you try to fight it?” Scar asks, concern fills his eyes, he cares so much, Grian feels unworthy of it, Scar holds himself together enough that most wouldn’t see all the inner workings but Grian could see through the cracks, he could see how much Scar has been hiding the past week or so, he could see the hurt behind his eyes, behind his smile, his mind twists painfully at the thought, Scar is sad because of him.

Silence fills the spaces between them. He closed his eyes so he didn't have to look at Scar’s. Was it bad that he didn’t, should he have? His head swims in the uncertainty, it doesn't matter now, he knows the answer, and he’s afraid, he’s so scared, that hopelessness settles in his gut, and it eats him alive, turning his stomach to rot, “no.”

“Oh lovie,” Scar’s eyebrows creased and it hurts Grians heart, god, love you, don’t be sad, I'm sorry for worrying you, not your fault, never your fault, he wanted to smooth the worry lines from Scars face, he wants to make it all better. 

“It's fine, really” he tries to explain but tears well up in his eyes, he wishes they didn't, why does he have to cry at every little thing, he hates it. 

Scar gently takes his hands, “I don't think you know how much you are loved. I care about you so so much , your sister loves you more than you know, you can't even begin to imagine. You mean so much to so many people.'' Scar says, Grian’s heart pangs, and a new kind of grief fills him, he grieves the life he’s lost. 

He grieves all the things he’s missed, everything he will miss. He’s been here before, standing on that ledge, wanting everything to just go away, wanting his head to silence for just a moment. He’d stared at those pills too long, wondering how many it would take for his body to seize up and fail. He watched his father's gun safe, memorised the lock combination, 4368 , wondering if he would have the courage to pull the trigger, but that wasn't courage, he wouldn’t let them win, and he would never let them take the life he fought so hard for and he wasn't about to give up now. 

Grian steps away from the ledge, clicks the lid of the pill bottle shut, and slams the garage door, sealing himself away from the guns. He breathes in and takes the time to remind himself that he’s alive. He's alive now and what a wonderful thing that is

Scar wipes away his tears, he chases after the touch, Scar chuckles lightly as he brings his hand back up to Grian's face as he smiles softly, the warmth of Scar's hand radiating against his cheek. He feels safe next to Scar like nothing bad can touch him here.

Scar will never know how much those words mean to him, he wants to burn them into his brain like a tattoo because with his sister and Scar by his side, he thinks he can survive, he can make it to the next day, and he can watch the sunrise. Things may not be okay but they will get better, maybe one day he can learn to live again, learn to smile, to laugh, to breathe. He dares to hope for a moment.

“Don’t ever think you are not loved, songbird,” Scar bonks their foreheads together again. He wraps his arms around Scar and they lay there in each other's arms, drifting to sleep as pale moonlight streams through the gap in the curtains. 

Grian tries to stay awake, he really does but he can't help it when his eyes fall shut. Every night it's the same thing, the same fucking nightmare, or at least he thinks it is. whatever it is, he’s sure this is hell. He can't stand being awake, but he fears sleep. glowing eyes haunt him when he closes his eyes to see darkness. He wishes the earth would open up and swallow him like it tried before. all he sees is the monster in the mirror, and all he hears is his parent's laugh because they knew what he was before this fuck fest happened… and maybe he did too, he just didn't want to believe it.

He wants to stay conscious, to stay in Scar's arms and never sleep. Scar is good, but nobody can save you from yourself. Every night is filled with horrors, and tonight is no different.

A sticky voice fills his ears, nononon, not again, they call to him, tell him everything’s going to be fine, if he just comes a bit CLOSER. 

he's running, his lungs burn like the air is fire. running till he can’t then running farther. Have to get away, have to get away, runrunrun, their laughing follows him, pink flowers grow from his hands. they’re covered in blood.

blood, dripping from his mouth, plip..plipplip. it's up to his ankle, and his socks soak it in like sponges. His head is as muddy as the water that laps around his knees. He wonders what's in it. Where is he and why does his head hurt? He slowly reaches up to touch his forehead, his fingers come back damp. He brings his hand to his face to try to see what it is, but it's so dark.

A hand wraps around his leg, it hurts, it tears his skin, ripping it apart, pulling him down…

down…

down. 

there's a soft cushion under him, he runs his hands along the familiar print, not really feeling anything. The soft glow of candles illuminates the bookstore, Pearl sits by his side as they drink their tea. He's about to make fun of her for  the ungodly amounts of sugar she heaps in her cup but when he turns to her she screams.

the room spins, he looks down at his hands, they grow long and pointed, ugly. green tinting them like mould, his body isn't right, it isn't right, he isn't right. Pearl stares at him with as much horror as he expected, all the horror he expected because he’s a- “m-monster,” she squeaks, and his world shatters, splintering into pieces smaller than  sand. they swirl around him, cutting his skin, tearing into him because to hear his sister say it is the betrayal that hurts the most. the sister who said she would stay by his side, the sister who loved him now can only see the monster he’s become.

“no, no I'm not! Pearl, it's me” he pleads with her, trying to grab her hand. his fingers brush her skin because he can't lose her too, he needs to know she’s real. He needs her to see him, please don't leave me. for a second it seems like she understands, then she jerks away. Jimmy appears at her side, staring at him with disgust.

She backs away slowly, her gaze now burning holes through him, “you’re no brother of mine.” The words hiss in his ears like water on fire, drowning all else out. She disappears in the shadows, flickering out of existence as he tries desperately to reach her. “Jimmy, don't leave me too,” he begs. Jimmy only shakes his head and backs away. He wails, everything hurts. hot sticky tears run down his face. He tries to muffle his screaming, only managing to choke on snot. 

Five words is all it took to break him. He feels like someone has taken a boot and stomped him into the ground, where he belongs. dirt squirms around him, bugs crawl over his paralyzed body. He grows into the earth, arms and legs morphing into roots, reaching deep into the ground, wishing to be buried but never reaching their goal. they claw through the earth like it holds the answers they think, but he doesn't want to die.

Yes, you do.

their horrible laughter is back. He's a kid again, a little girl who only wanted to be loved and treated like their son. ‘ You aren't a boy, are you crazy?’ They ridicule him. They make him feel small, he can be small . tiny mushrooms coil themselves protectively around him as if to say, I'm here, you're not alone.  

‘My daughter won't be paraded around like a freak,’ said when he was five. I love your long hair, it would be such a shame to cut it all off, you’ll regret it. words that were burned into his mind repeatedly. you don't know what you’re talking about you’re too young, they reasoned when he asked for help, tried to reach out and explain who he was. I want you to talk to your church leaders about how you’re feeling, they’ll help you see the light and come back to the path, they care about you, and they only want what's best for you. I'll pray for you. You’re a sin. you are what they warned us about in the scriptures. They only cared to make him fit into the path they planned for HER. What did you do with my little girl? I don't even recognize her anymore. 

Their words sting. People say time heals all wounds but his wounds grew rotten and festered like a hill of angry ants. They only hurt more. Why don't they love him? Parents should love their kids, right? Maybe he’s just unlovable. “ No you’re not, come back to me birdie,” a gentle touch he leans into, kind words he wants to hear.

 The voices howl, drowning everything else out, he clasps his hands over his ears but it does nothing to quiet them because they are inside him, they live with him always, forever lingering in the dark corners of his mind. all he sees is red. His parents, the fae, his sister, his best friend, and the blood, all swirl together, a lump of screaming bodies towering over him. He tries to run but the mushrooms that once provided comfort anchor him to the spot, refusing to let him leave as he lives through this nightmare again. 

He wants to close his eyes to push them out but he still sees them, they scream at him, telling him everything he fears, that he's a monster , a monster even worse than them. his breath catches in his throat, squeezing tighter. He can't breathe, he can't breathe, HE CAN'T BREATHE, he's drowning, somebody help, HELP ME, HELP ME PLEASE.

Someone is there, shaking his shoulder. He jolts awake, eyes flying open but he can't see, he can't see, where is he? there’s a warm hand in his, he sits up, staring at Scar with tears in his eyes. “I'm here now,” he smiles softly. Grian’s eyes grow wide. He throws his arms around Scar and clings to him, squeezing him tight, never let him go, please don't leave me too, don't leave, I'm sorry. Scar holds Grian as he cries. He gently runs his hand along his back. his hands are gentle, his hands are kind, they say, I'm here, don't worry I'm here and I'm not leaving. 

Scar stays with him not ever leaving even after Grian’s stopped crying. He still holds tight to him, keeping Scar next to him for as long as he’ll stay. He lays atop him slowly drifting off, though still too scared to actually sleep. Scar lets him stay, gently combing his hands through Grian’s hair, and scratching his scalp. Grian follows Scar's breathing, counting the seconds between each breath. He listens to Scars steady heartbeat because that's the only thing he wants to focus on. He wants to forget everything else, what he is, his nightmares, his parents, and his fears. life sucks, and he wishes that were just a joke.

Scar presses a kiss into Grian's hair, He hums in response, a quiet sound in the comfortable silence. “Do you want to talk about it?” The question startled him, Scar confuses him. Why was he even talking to him when for the past few days Grian refused to say any kind words and practically locked himself away from the world in his bedroom? Useless.

Do you want to talk about it? The question hangs over his head as his silence stretches. Does he want to talk? It's stupid, nothing important, just making a big deal over nothing, stupid, gentle hands run through his hair. Does he want someone to listen? Yes .

“You’re being too patient with me. I’ve sat in this room doing nothing for days on end, you come in here every day trying to talk to me and I’ve been nothing but an asshole to you,” Grian sighs, pushing himself away from Scar and pulls his knees up to his chest, “You’re pushing me to try and get better, but guess what, I’m a hopeless case, a lost cause. I’m a monster that you’re foolishly trying to fix,” he sneers, and stares down at his hands, disgust twisting his features, at the scabbed over wounds from the glass. Every time he catches a glimpse of himself, in the reflection of windows, cups, metal, and mirrors, he shutters. He never looks long enough to let it sink in, all he picks out is splotchy skin speckled with greens and oranges, small clusters of mushrooms grow from his skin like he’s a decaying corpse that's been rotting for decades, ” This can’t be fixed.” 

Scar hesitantly reaches out,“ Grian… you’re not a lost cause, and you’re not a mons-.”

He immediately recoils, “YES I AM Scar, YOU DON'T GET IT BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR LIFE! I'M NOT LIKE YOU!” Grian angrily scrubs at his face, as if he can will the tears away, ”I can’t just be FINE with this, my entire life… is gone ,” he says with a sob because saying it out loud means it's real, and he can't change it. “I can never go see Pearl… my sister my own fucking sister will call me a monster !” The words hurt, it feels like sharp glass twisting in his gut, it cuts up his throat till he chokes on blood, it rips and tears his insides, and god, it hurts, someone make it stop hurting so much, please.

The fae’s hands twitch, reaching out for Grian, but he stops himself, unsure what to do, “Hey hey, calm down.” Grian just glares at him but it doesn't deter Scar. “Look, if you want me to go for now just say so! But I’m not going to leave you all alone, this is my fault-” 

“Damn right it’s your fault!” Grian stabs his finger accusatorial towards Scar's chest as he yells " YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST LEFT ME THERE! I NEVER ASKED TO BE SAVED! At least if I had died I wouldn't have to watch my life disintegrate around me!” he digs his finger farther into Scar’s chest, “I can’t even go see the only family I have left, because I'm A GOD FORSAKEN MONSTER TRAPPED IN THE GODFORSAKEN FOREST!”

Scar grabs his hand and spreads his fingers out restraining his hand from attacking again, Grian’s fingers twitch angrily, “You’re right, I’ll never understand what’s going through your head,” He says, softly, placatingly, and circles his knuckles with his thumb, ” but that doesn’t mean I'm going to leave you in the dust. You see yourself as a monster, but I don’t. You are a part of this forest now whether you like it or not, and you need to accept that eventually. It doesn’t need to be now and it doesn't even have to be a year from now, but we can't change what's already past,” He tips his head to the side with a small smile, "and I’m going to be here for you the whole time if you let me. You don't have to face this alone birdie.” Scar pauses, gently squeezing Grian’s hand in an attempt to comfort him. Grian wants to ask why, and Scar seems to understand, “Because I know what it's like to have to face the world alone as it crashes and burns around you”

Grian rips his hand away and spins around clutching at his own head as tears return flooding down his face, voice cracking “ why , why do I need you? I NEED YOU AND I FUCKING HATE IT. I always need other people, even when I’m a monster,” he glances over his shoulder, ”why are you sticking around? I’m awful to you.”

Scar stills, head going a mile a minute as he fumbles for words. His hands stop fidgeting and he gives Grian a level look, “Because I care about you.” He scoots towards Grian and holds out his hand, encouraging him to turn around, “You are my stars, you are my gorgeous sunflower. I’m staying because you mean everything to me. I’m here for as long as you’ll have me.”

Grian holds his hand hesitantly, Scar gently squeezes Grian’s hands. "I'm staying because I failed you, and I'm not going to again." Scar looks so broken, Grian can see it in his eyes. He cautiously reaches up to catch the tear that rolls down Scar’s face Grian huffs. He still feels like the world is closing in around him but Scar makes him feel that little bit less alone

“Is it so hard to believe that staying is one of the easiest choices I've ever made?” Scar laughs under his breath exhaustedly. Grian looks down at his lap, letting his hand fall from Scar’s face. Scar catches it, holding on, keeping Grian tethered to the real world. He honestly doesn't know how to respond. Very few people have actually stuck by him, his parents didn't, the only friend who did was Jimmy, none of his siblings besides Pearl even cared enough to see if he was okay, and none of them checked to make sure he hadn’t flung himself off a bridge.  So yes, it was hard to believe that anyone would want to stay, would choose to stay when everything else has made it abundantly clear that he isn't worth the time of day, or even a second thought. “Birdie?” Scar's voice broke him from his thoughts, smoothing over the fractures in his brain.

He forces his voice not to shake, forces it to be normal, “I'm tired, I just want to sleep.” he deflects, both knowing it’s a lie because he can't even sleep without waking up crying. It's not even a graceful change in conversation, Scar’s eyes draw up in a pinched expression, concern clear to see but he lets it go.

“Of course love.” Scar moves to get up and Grian's heart lurches. He chases after Scar's hand and tugs it. He turns his head back to Grian, what's wrong, you okay?

“Stay? Please, I-I don't want to be alone,” he mumbles quietly. His head curses, why’d he do that, stupid, stupid, he should stay, you shouldn't have asked, idiot. Scar slowly lowers himself back next to Grian, “I'm here,” he whispers, holding his arms out. Grian hugs Scar, shuffling as he lays down, a fuzzy blanket atop them. They lay there, Grian's arms snaked around him and holding him just as tight.

His mind swims because he has never let himself get so close to someone else, not even Pearl or Jimmy know about the terrible nightmares he had, they didn't know how much he wanted to lay down and not wake up again, and he would never burden them with that because they had to deal with enough already. They helped him though they didn't know the full extent of things. They helped him get better even if that included him leaving. They saw how his hair would grow greasy, his clothes stained, room a mess and they helped but they never knew what went on inside his mind. He never dared to tell but now Scar’s starting to know, to understand, and it scares him.

He would rarely go to them on nights like these, where his skull feels like it's caving in on itself. The nights he felt all alone, the blue light of his phone lighting his face, retyping and deleting messages saying, I need you, I'm sorry, help.

His mind plays back their conversation till it becomes a jumbled mess of words, how he yelled at him, he didn't deserve that, he deserved so much more. “I'm sorry, so sorry. I-I shouldn't have… it wasn't, it's not your fault '' Grian says quietly and he doesn't think he would have heard him except for the fact that he whispers the words into Scar's ear. His breath hitches, “I-i, songbird,...” and it's like Grian’s hit a soft spot, accidentally hit him where it hurts and, oh, nono, no Scar, why do you blame yourself? 

Grian lifts his head, freeing one of his arms, “Scar?” He brushes a few strands of Scar’s hair, he looks at him and his eyes are so pretty, soft beams of moonlight glowing through the mesh curtains. “I'm mad, angry, sad… Scared, but that's not an excuse,” the words catch in his throat but he pushes through it, “I'm sorry, I don't blame you, I shouldn't have said that I did. I promise, it's not your fault” Grian cups Scar's face and the scar looks like he’s been punched. He swipes a gentle thumb beneath his eye, catching a few wayward tears, “Don't blame yourself,” and Grian comes to the realisation as the words leave his mouth, “There was nothing you could have done

“I, uhm, I,” Scar hiccups, “birdie, I still wish I could have. I'm so sorr-” Grian stops Scar. 

“Don't apologise. It’s not your fault, it never was.”   Grian’s voice shakes as Scar curls in on himself wrapping his arms tight around Grian's waist, hiding his face in the soft fabric of Grian's borrowed shirt. Grian pulls him closer, running his hand through Scar's long hair.

The crickets sing their tune, filling the quiet of the night, with the cover of darkness and Scar wrapped around him he feels safe, shielded from the rest of the world. Another stolen quiet moment where his mind doesn't gut him, where he feels comfortable in his body again which shocks him at first because Scar doesn't jerk back at his touch, at his clawed fingers, at his skin, at the new bumps, at his eyes. 

Grian isn't expecting himself to sleep but the rise and fall of Scar's chest quiets his roaring mind. He tries to fight himself as his eyes grow heavy, but for the first time in a while, he isn't afraid to sleep. Maybe he’ll be okay tonight, he's not alone anymore.

_____

For the next few days Scar continues to keep him company while he’s awake when he isn't busy. He asks what foods he likes and attempts to make them, he tells him stories, legends, myths, scams he’s run, oh, no sorry, not scams, business ventures, and just random little memories that make him smile.

The first night, Grian expected Scar to go back to sleeping on the couch or make Grian sleep there himself but to his surprise, Scar says yes when Grian asks him to stay and hesitantly climbs into bed with him. When Grian was starting to have a nightmare Scar woke him and made sure he was ok. Each morning he woke up in Scar’s arms, surprised that he wasn't quite as exhausted as the day before. 

Scar manages to drag him out of bed for the first time in days, gets him to eat something, gets him to talk and it's so tiring but it feels good, like a sickness that's finally letting up. It's a breath of fresh air after breathing fog for weeks. He even surprises both himself and Scar when he laughs at the stupid things he says, and when he does Scar's entire face lights up like he’s been given the best gift, then he makes it his goal to make Grian laugh.

Scar ran out of terrible dad jokes from a children's book he read and resorted to terrible pickup lines. “Hrrmmm,” Scar muses, “ohoh I got one”

“Oh god,” Grian murmurs fondly. Each pickup line was worse than the last and half of them Scar barely understood because they were heavily based on the context of being a human being.

“Are you a roller coaster? Because I'd like to ri-” Scar’s face lights up bright red and Grian loses it. “That did not come out like I meant it to,” he hides his face in his hands, his ears turning red to match his face. 

Grian laughs, gasping for air, “ Stick to the joke book next time” Grian wheezes out, walking up to Scar, taking his hands so he can see his face. He makes a pained noise and leans down to hide his face in the crook of Grian's neck. He pats his head, “Do you even know what a roller coaster is?”

Thankful for the distraction Scar lifts his head, “Actually yes, I love theme parks, I want to go to one because they are incredible . I found a book on them probably around, hmm, fifty years ago?” Scar scrunches his face in confusion, “Yeah, fifty years ago, and since then I've been hooked,” Scar says excitedly. 

Grian hooks his arms around Scar’s waist and rocks them from side to side where they stand, “Well, I'd love to hear all about it, maybe one day I could take you to one,” and with a smile on Scar’s face Grian is absolutely smitten.

“Really!” He bounces on the tips of his toes. Grian laughs, “Of course,” Scar picks up Grian and spins him around, he laughs in surprise. Scar’s smile only grows wider, “I’ll look forward to it.”

For the next few hours, he listens to Scar ramble on about the mechanics of theme parks and all the inner workings. He finds his mind quieter than it's been in days, no nasty thoughts coming back up hissing ugly words at him, only Scar and him talking and Scar’s smile does stupid things to his muddled brain. 

He can't help it. Scar’s talking about different Imagineers but he interrupts him, reaching up and kissing him, and once again Scar's face bleeds red. “Oh-o, h-hi” he stutters out, clearly not expecting Grian to kiss him so suddenly.

“Sorry, you can continue with your story,” Grian says, feeling his own face heat up.

Scar trips over his words, “well I can't now!” he says very very flustered. He laughed which only made Scar blush more. “I don't know how you can expect me to function in conditions such as these!” He huffs in a tone that can only be called affectionate as he leans closer to Grian.

“I’m sure you’ll manage,” Grian smiles as Scar leans in for another kiss, Grian takes the chance to lightly jab Scar in the stomach making him squirm laughing and scolding him because that ‘ wasn't funny’, a clear lie if his laughing had anything to say about it. 

Scar and Grian eventually end up cuddled together on the couch. Grian hates that he’s already tired, it's only been a few hours but his body aches and creeks like an old wooden door with rusted hinges. in the quiet moments, the thoughts that plague him come creeping from their corners, back to harass him and he finds himself thinking about Pearl again, what would she say to him now, would she stay or would this be her breaking point, the thing that makes her decide he’s not worth the effort.

His mind hazes over and he grabs for the threads of reality that are quickly slipping away from him, like when he was under that fae’s spell when he couldn't remember who he was when he was becoming one with the earth below him, no longer himself and he has to remind himself that he’s real, that he’s alive and he’s his own person. he’s still Grian.

He tries to focus on his breathing, Scar’s breathing, the feeling of his hand on his back, of Scar by his side, to pull himself out of his head. His life feels like a sinkhole opened beneath him and left him trapped but Scar dropped down a rope, Grian just had to choose to climb up it to get himself free because clawing at the walls was only making the hole deeper.

He lets himself drift off because even if he has another nightmare, the knowledge that someone will be there when he wakes up makes sleeping just that little bit easier. He faintly hears Scar murmur quiet words into his head, he wonders what he said as the world fades away.

_____

Scar continues to drag him out of bed every day for as long as he can, and he feels kind of bad because Scar has essentially become his babysitter and he never signed up for that but he is so grateful that he isn't alone. he struggles to get up and it feels like the entire world presses down on him, dragging him back down. The simplest things become the most monumental tasks, if Scar didn't bring him food he doesn't think he would find the motivation to make any for himself.

Even if things are starting to get better, it's still a painful process, like pressing alcohol to a wound. All of a sudden, simply existing is the hardest thing he's ever had to do, and he hates it. He just wants to be normal, but since when was he normal? He shakes his head as if that’ll get rid of the fog clouding it.

On this particular day Scar has gotten Grian to go outside, the crickets and fireflies buzz around them as the warm night air blows gently around them. Scar excitedly leads him through the forest, following a little creek, but not too far from the house. The woods still make him anxious. tiny mushrooms sprout where his footsteps fall, letting on a little too much about how he’s feeling. The ground is soft beneath his feet. He tried to squeeze his feet into his torn and ragged tennis shoes but they wouldn't fit, yet another reminder that he isn't really human anymore.

Scar sits down on a giant blanket, waiting for Grian to join him, he wonders when Scar left to set it all up, a small food basket sits by one of the corners. “What are we doing here?” He looks at Scar, nothing but the moon and stars lighting his face, his hair a little messy, falling down his back and grazing the ground next to him. He goes to sit next to Scar, pulling him close and pressing small quick kisses to his face.

Scar melts a little, “well, well I wanted to show you the stars,” Scar says a little more than flustered, looking up. Grian copies him and his breath catches in his throat. He's never seen a sky like that. He stares at it in awe, not sure it's real because how on earth could it be?

Bright stars fill the sky and he doesn't know how he didn't look up before now, he was so focused on keeping mushrooms from wrapping themselves around his legs so he didn't trip that he completely missed this . the sky swirls together in dark blues and purples in ways he didn't know were possible. It's breathtaking. “oh, Scar, it's beautiful.”

“It's a great night for stargazing,” he smiles, lying down, “no clouds, no light pollution, only the fire of a thousand burning stars,” he grins. Grian lays next to him taking it all in, like maybe if he stares at it he can burn it into his memory. 

He stares at the sky, something he’s always taken for granted. The stars shine brighter than he’s ever seen. He always lived in cities and never thought to go stargazing properly but he's glad Scar did. The galaxy above him and the earth below him and for a second, it feels like home, like he belongs.

Grian searches around for Scar's hand and grabs onto it because he knows how much the stars mean to Scar, how much they mean to the fae. Scar lets him into a little corner of his brain, he trusts Grian enough to see this part of his life, to understand him and he knows how scary that is. “thank you for showing me,” he squeezes Scar's hand, and he squeezes back.

“Of course, love,” he turns his face to look at Grian, Grian looks back. he thinks he could get lost in those eyes, the kind ones, the ones that never look at him like he's less than he was before, never looking at him like he’s a monster, only caring and sweet. 

Scar shuffles closer to him, bonking their foreheads together, and gives him a gentle kiss, one that's over far too quickly for Grian who squawks indignantly. Scar chuckles, “needy birdie,” he says affectionately, kissing Grian once more to appease him. Grian’s stomach flips and swoops, he will never understand how Scar is his to love, to care for.

They sit side by side, hand in hand, and stare at the stars. Scar gently circles his knuckles with his thumb as he talks about different constellations, pointing them out, with his free hand and connecting them so Grian can see what he sees.

Grian thinks he could lie here by Scar’s side, under the stars for the rest of his life and be content. Scar rambles on about stars, about the forest, about many things, and Grian likes to listen. The rhythm of Scar's voice is comforting, it has a strange alluring cadence to it. Grian slowly becomes aware of the mushrooms growing towards him at a rate that is not normal. He sits up and angrily tears them from the ground and tosses them away because he doesn't want to remember right now, he just wants to spend time with Scar.

“Are you okay?” Scar asks, propping himself up on his elbow, always concerned about Grian, always caring. He reaches for Grian’s hands, stopping him from tearing the rest up.

Grian huffs, mildly annoyed at himself, “Yeah, I...I’m just tired of these mushrooms. I don't know how to deal with them.” Freeing one hand, he rakes it through his hair, which desperately needs a trim.

Scar sits on his knees and hums, “I could show you how to control them?” he offers hesitantly, not sure how Grian will react, not sure if continuing this conversation will lead to him shutting down, and Grian doesn't want to because they are having a great time, or were until Grian ruined it.

Grian nods slowly, “Sure,” and he means it. He wants to know, so tired of finding fungus growing around him, even in Scar’s house, popping through the wooden floors and on the bed frame. might as well learn how to use them if he has to deal with them for the rest of his life.

“Okay, okay!” Scar excitedly taps his fingers on his knees. He takes a breath to calm himself and shakes his hands out. “okay songbird, you are a part of the forest and the forest is a part of you now,” and it still stings a little but Grian is slowly coming to accept it, “You will live as long as the forest does, as long as Mother Spore does, or until you get killed,” Scar grimaces at the morbid turn and gets back on track but those words stick with him.

he’ll probably outlive Pearl, and Jimmy. He doesn't want to, it hurts to think about living in a world without them, he doesn't know if he could endure losing them permanently. Grian tries to shake the thoughts from his head because he really doesn't want to think about it right now, or ever for that matter. He focuses his mind on what Scar’s saying, refusing to listen to the alarm bells in his mind, they’ll quiet eventually.

Scar gives Grian a lopsided smile as if to say, sorry, I'm sure you won't get killed by another fae or become roadkill. Scar picks up his words and continues with what he was saying before he mentioned it, “Think of the mushrooms as an extension of yourself. I can harness other plant life to my will, and you probably can too, but your connection to the forest is rooted  in Mother Spore whereas mine is just the forest in general.” Scar holds Grian’s hand tight in comfort as if to say, I'm here, we can stop any time you want to, just say the word. 

“I can call on the plants and they come,” he reaches his spare hand to the dirt and small sprouts pop up in response.

Grian looks in awe, he’s never really seen Scar use his abilities before. “How?” he probably sounds stupid asking when it seems like second nature to Scar but he only smiles sweetly and explains it to him.

“You focus your mind on what you want to grow and the life that is already there grows at your will. These seeds were already here, I just helped them grow by offering some of my energy, which is why bigger spells tire fae out.” Grian nods along because that makes sense. 

Scar twists his hand and the small sprouts spiral around each other, blooming into pretty flowers. Scar plucks them from their stems and places them in Grian’s hair which makes him blush. “Mushrooms are a little different. There is a vast mycelium network under the ground, connecting fungi to the plants and trees around them.”

Grian listens because this is something he understands and he holds on to that. Scar digs small holes in the ground with his fingers, “I assume you should be able to call upon it as I can to plants. Do you want to try?”

Grian clenches the fabric of his pants, “Yes,” He’s tired of not understanding, not knowing what's happening to him.

Scar takes Grian's hand and places his palm on the ground, “Close your eyes,” he does as Scar instructs, “feel the earth beneath you. The forest is a living breathing thing and everything has a part to play, everything is important. The mushrooms seem to respond to your emotions. you can use that” Scar places his hand on Grian's shoulder in comfort, in support.

“Think about something that makes you happy, or sad, or even angry, and use that to try to connect yourself to the network, to Mother Spore.”

Grian thinks about how he’s afraid, afraid to face his sister, his best friend, his fear about what his life will become but it just isn't working. “Scar I don't understand”

Scar hums, “okay, try to feel for the tug in your gut, the one that tells you the forest is there.”

Grian searches and searches but he can't find anything. He slowly gets more angry with himself, angry that he can't do this right. He doesn't want to start crying so he desperately tries to keep those emotions locked behind a door and padlocks it shut. He digs his nails into the ground, huffing angrily when nothing happens. Why do they pop up all the time when he doesn't ask for it but they refuse to show when he actually wants them to?

He focuses his mind, trying so hard, that he's about to grab the clump of dirt between his fingers and throw it at the nearest tree when his gut churns like someone has pulled a string tied to it. he yanks back. Scar laughs in delight, “ You did it,” He shakes Grian’s shoulder. He opens his eyes to see small white mushrooms have sprouted between his fingers. He laughs in disbelief because there is no way this is real.

he looks at Scar to see if he should keep going, Scar smiles reassuringly at him encouraging him to do more. Grian turns his attention back to the ground and it's easier now that he knows what he's looking for. a few more small greyish mushrooms lift from the ground and it looks like watching a time-lapse of plant growth on one of those nature channels. He tries to make bigger mushrooms but can't, yet. He'll figure it out, but this is unreal, he can hardly believe it.

Pride makes him confident and he continues to try to make the mushrooms bigger, taller, better, he only manages to tire himself out. Scar laughs quietly, “Don't push yourself, it takes time to master these skills.” he bumps Grian’s shoulder with his own. Grian huffs indignantly because, yes that makes sense, but it would be so cool if he could instantly be good at this.

He tried one more time, one last big push, pain burst from his arm, from his hand that was rotten in the ground. He panics as the mushrooms start growing off him, tearing out of his skin like they've burrowed there for years. Panic tears at him because it's happening again. flashes of green and orange overtaking his body, he's losing himself again, he's dying, he’s going to die. help! He tears his hand from the ground, ripping the mushrooms out of his skin quickly. Blood drips from the holes in his arm. He screams and Scar stops him before he can rip the rest out. the sound of tearing flesh echoes in his head.

“ Birdie stop, STOP Grian, it's okay, calm down, don't hurt yourself” Scar calms down on his hand refusing to let Grian tear himself apart, the use of his name temporarily calming his mind enough for him to stop. Grian’s skin itches painfully where the mushrooms remain. Grian collapses in Scar's arms, a crying mess, blood slowly dripping down his arm. He wishes he could turn back time and forget this happened.

Scar carefully shifts Grian, taking a deer antler pocket knife out and holding Grian's arm out. He sees what Scar’s going to do and tries to pull his arm back, and Scar lets him. “It won't hurt, I won't hurt you. I'm just going to take them off. Is that okay?” Scar says holding the knife away from Grian. 

He slowly nods, his heart still beating fast. His mind races still hazed over with Scar’s magic but still buzzing loudly from the adrenaline rush of fear. He extends his arm to Scar. He gently takes hold of his arm and talks through what he’s doing to try to ease Grian’s fear. 

Scar carefully takes his knife, aligns the blade with the base of the mushroom and cuts through it, the blade is cool against his skin as it grazes his arm. He had been expecting it to hurt like how it hurt when he ripped them from his arm, it felt like someone tugged on his hair and cut off a chunk. Scar glances at him from the corner of his eye before returning, slowly taking off the mushrooms scattered across his forearm and hand, most white but a few tinged different colours, some bloodstained

Scar accidentally nicked Grian's skin and sputtered out apology after apology. He told him it was okay because he honestly trusted Scar more than he trusted himself at the moment. Scar finished up, “I don't have anything to clean it or wrap with me currently but I do at the house” Scar brushes over Grian’s knuckles where he holds his hand.

Grian crashes his head into Scar's shoulder. “I'm sorry, I.. I messed up your star night.” He felt terrible, Scar planned this and then he had to do that. He messes things up a lot, doesn't he, yeah. 

Scar brings his hand up to scratch his head, “I don't mind birdie, you don't have to say sorry lovie.” Grian squeezes his eyes shut, trying his hardest to will the tears to stop before they ever appear.

“Do you want to go home,” Scar asks. Grian’s heart drops because that means this night is over, and despite what he caused, it was still a good night.

He shakes his head, “Can we stay a bit longer?” He wants to apologise again but he knows that doesn't fix it, and he really wants to stay. He's never seen stars like this, he also wants to stay here because this is important to Scar, even if he doesn't say it, Grian knows.

Scar flicks his hand through Grian’s hair, “Only if you’re sure sunshine.” He rocks them back and forth. Grian nods, tipping himself backward and taking Scar with him, he makes a shocked squeak. Grian snuggles himself close to Scar's side in the centre of the blanket, completely off of the dirt.

Scar hums a quiet unfamiliar tune, it echoes through his mind like a spell, painting colourful notes in his head. He rubs his forehead on the fabric of Scar's shirt, his mind and body finally settling down from the panic and he’s so tired. His bones feel like concrete logs. He tries to ignore the dull throb in his arm where he tore the mushrooms up like weeds. They seemed determined to hang on.

His eyes fall close as he listens to Scar sing. He sings of the fae, of the forest, and Grian doesn't understand all the words but he gets the gist of it. They must lay there for at least another hour or two before Scar gently rubs his arm to wake him up and kisses him on the forehead, “You sleepin' love?” He laughs quietly.

“mmmmno,” Grian mumbles into Scar’s side because he isn't tired, he could stay up till sunrise, for sure, he lies to the both of them.

Scar sits up and he grabs him around the waist, trying to pull him back, “Let's go home birdie” he stands up and Grian begrudgingly follows, rubbing his eyes. His legs shake and he leans against Scar. “You okay?”

Grian rights himself, “yeah yeah” he murmurs but when he goes to stand by himself he nearly topples over. Scar grabs his good arm and pulls him safely back to his side, “Hah, I don't think so, here.. gimme a sec” Scar helps Grian sit down while he gathers up the blanket.

he walks back to Grian, everything tucked away in the bag slung around his back. “Alright, come here” Scar helps him stand and scoops him up, one arm around his knees and the other securing his back. Grian blushes, a little dizzy, “Oh god Scar,” he covers his face with his hand.

“Aaand oooff we go,” Scar announces like a car race announcer, “We can take care of your arm when we get there. I have an ointment with healing properties I acquired from a… friend, ”  he carries Grian through the woods again, though the house isn't far. It's only a small hike down the hill. He holds Scar's face and kisses him on the cheek. His steps stutter and he nearly trips, making Grian laugh, because it's so easy to  make him flustered. “What was that for?” Scar asks.

Grian leans his head on Scar's shoulder, “to say thank you.”

He is sure Scar blushes the entire way home, home, when did he start considering Scar's house home? He smiles to himself.

__

Grian yawns as he slowly wakes up, Scar is cuddled up next to him. He kisses him on the forehead as he moves to get up, untangling himself from his lover. Scar wraps his arms around his waist, he shrieks, squirming to get away, Scar pulls him back on the bed, hugging him tight. “Let me go,” Grian laughs.

“Mmmnoo, come back to bed,” Scar asks sleepily, and Grian's heart warms. God he was the best, love you, I won't leave, you promised me so I promise you.

“You’re so pathetic,” Grian says fondly, “Now let me go, you said we have to go somewhere today,” he tries to shove Scar away, admittedly not that hard, in all honesty, he doesn't want to leave Scar’s side. He loves the warmth that he feels when he’s pressed against Scar's side and he revels in it, that this is his to have, that Scar is his to hold. He feels like he’s found one more piece of the world and now that he’s found it he doesn't want to let it go.

“Never, you’re warm, I'm cold,” Scar whines, Grian just wants to kiss his stupid face.

“You're such a dork,” he smiles. “It's time to wake up though,” Grian pokes Scar's face, in all honesty, he doesn't want to get up either.

“I don't wanna,” Scar squeezes him tighter, not letting him go. His breath is warm on Grian’s back. his heart flips.

He laughs quietly, “Okay, just a while longer” he turns himself around, and Scar loosens his grip just enough to let him. When Grian is settled again Scar pulls him close. Grian pulls the blanket over the both of them again. He runs his fingers through Scar’s hair. He pokes the point of his ear, Scar twitches and giggles.

“That tickles,” he tucks his head under his chin. Grian laughs. They fall into a comfortable silence. They just hold each other and he thinks things are starting to get better. arms around each other, searching out skin, loving the contact, he wants to be closer and from the way Scar squeezes back he knows he feels the same. 

“Grian…” Scar whispers trailing off like the end of a question. 

“Yeah?” Grian trails his hand up Scar's back, long fingers tracing small paths, over the bumps of Scar's skin, over his old Scars.

“I think I'm falling in love with you.” Scar buries his face in Grian’s chest, hiding his face.

Grian pauses for a moment, face heating up because that wasn’t the admission Grian was expecting, “Me too Scar.”

Scar squeezes his waist, “I'm Scared.”

“... I am too, but we’ll figure this out.” He kisses the top of Scar's head and lets his hand get tangled in Scar’s long hair. He hums quietly as he pulls Grian even closer, squeezing him tightly.

They have no idea what they’re doing and Grian’s still trying to figure himself out but he won't lose Scar again and he doesn't think Scar wants to lose him either. In the end, they both drag each other out of bed because Scar wants to show him something and this time, Grian’s determined not to mess anything up.

Scar led him through winding trees, keeping his eyes blindfolded, moss soft beneath his feet, he had discarded his worn decomposing shoes when Scar found him, finding that he quite prefers to go barefoot in the forest. 

The feeling of the earth below him, the intricate grid of our newfound kin. It’s a comfort, in a weird unsettling way, the way you feel a connection to an old friend you haven't talked to in years.

Scar makes a few more twists and turns, and helps him jump over some cracks in the earth before he lets go of his hand and pulls the cloth off his eyes.

Scar stands in front of a ledge. The rolling mountains basking behind him, ravaging trees speckling the mountainsides. It was… it was breathtaking. Snow still managed to survive on the reaching hands of the peaks, “I know you’ve been upset about losing your human way of life, but uh, I-I thought I could show you your new home. These mountains are now yours lovely.”

The forest sings, and mushrooms grow up his legs, rooting him to the forest floor, his forest floor. The grid, his grid shows him in flashes, spores growing in mossy foggy pools of earth, next is the bodies of ancient trees, decaying. It shows him the wonders of these mountains.

The view in front of him dips and folds into peaks and valleys, hundreds of different greens blanket the ranges, all life blooming before him. It’s magical. He’s always adored these mountains, more than most, but being interconnected with such an important part of the forest, makes it all the more beautiful. Everything around him sings the song of these mountains, the song he soon will learn himself. 

Tears flood his eyes as he stares out at the mountain range, “S-Scar it’s.. it’s beautiful, thank you for showing me this.”

Scar gently holds his hands, “This is your home now, the forest is at your beck and call, it’s yours, and you’re theirs. It’s always been your home, but now in a more closely knitted way.”

This is where he’s meant to live. It’s at this moment all the pain and suffering he felt from that place have all withered away. Because that isn’t his home, it never was. It’s always been these mountains, this town is his home and this forest is his home.

Grian pulls him into a tight hug, holding him close as the mountains sing to them as they gently sway in the breeze. He opens his eyes to see the sun setting below the mountains. “I’ve never seen this place so beautiful before.”

Scar settles one hand on his waist and holds his hand with the other, swaying them as the wind whispers to them its soft melody. “I’ll show it all to you.” 

Grian smiles, “I’ll look forward to it.”

_____

Grian sits in the grass just outside the house, testing his abilities, and seeing how high he can make the plants grow. He thinks back to what it was like with Mother Spore, how calm her mind was, how she felt like the spirit of the forest, or at least one of them, how he could see what she saw, everything, the whole forest where the grid was connected, the vast network of mycelium stretching beneath his feet.

if she’s like a mother.. would she help him learn? He could ask, he could try. He fiddles with his hands, scraping his claws against his skin. He took a deep breath and dug his fingers into the ground, calling out to the mycelium, breath hitching as it wraps around his fingers and he has to remind himself that he wasn't dying, that he wasn't going to disappear.

show me, please, teach me

The response is almost immediate, sending his head swimming because he doesn't know what to focus on, he sees everything, he sees everything she sees, every mushroom, fungus, and spore, he sees the world from their perspective. It sends his head in a dizzy spiral, making him panic, it hurts.

bits of his mind floating off in all directions, mind splitting in two then splitting again and he doesn't know what to do, it feels like someone has cleaved his skull in two and he fears he’ll lose himself in the vastness of it all.

He yanks on the strings of his mind, pulling them all back together before they fall apart again and again and a second feels like a day, a minute like a year. He cries out in pain, though he doesn't know if it's out loud or in his head.

He wants to rip his hands from the ground but for some reason, he doesn't. He bites the inside of his cheek and tries desperately to reel his mind back in, to gather the tangled pile of string from where his mind has scattered across the grid.

He focuses his thoughts on one thing, one location, show me one thing. Grian jumps around the grid, back to the mushrooms in front of him, and tries to tap into what they can see.

At first, it’s just a jumble of places, randomly scattered across the forest, switching between each other so quickly that he doesn't even know where they are. It's like flipping between channels and it makes him nauseous.

Grian slows the movement, trying to focus on just one thing, just one place and slowly he can see it, he can see himself, sitting on the grass, mycelium tendrils snaking up his arms but it doesn't scare him like it used to. he can see himself and it doesn't make him feel horrified with himself, how the green and orange lace his skin, how little clusters of mushrooms pop out of his head, how his ears are long and pointed now, turning an ashy green at the ends. He looks like… like he belongs. 

He doesn't have to be human, he doesn't have to conform to all the standards that that title comes with and he thinks he’s discovered something new about himself, but he’s not quite ready to unpack it. He needs more time to come to terms with this, he’s just not ready and that's okay. 

He decides to experiment a bit more. He follows the grid as it snakes around trees, he can hear the footsteps of animals above the dirt and he knows exactly where they are. He follows the grid, going towards the town, and reaches the first road, then past the street lights and he can almost reach his bookstore, but he stops.

Why has he stopped, why can't he go any further? Grian stretches as far as he can but he can't go where there is no track. The grid stops here and he curses and swears because he was so close, he was so close to home. but not close enough. He misses his sister so much and he thinks he’s finally ready to see her. no more hiding, no more running away. 

He breaks the connection, carefully bringing his hands up, mycelium untangling itself from his arms. he has to tell Scar about this

_____

“What do you mean you can see anywhere in the forest?” Scar sets down the thing he was fiddling with, some sort of carving thing, or art project. He looks at Grian quizzically.

Grian grabs his arm and drags Scar outside and sits him down. “I'll show you,” he says and he plops himself on the ground. little mushrooms pop out of the ground around Scar making him laugh in surprise.

“Grian?” Scar chuckles, “I don't understand?” He taps a few of the little sprouts around him making them fall from side to side and spring back upright. 

“okayokay, I’m gonna close my eyes and you’re gonna sing something, or do something.” Grian waves his arms around, “Do something that I wouldn’t be able to know with my eyes closed” Grian digs his fingers in the ground again and is prepared this time for what happens.

He is able to focus his mind much quicker than before. “uh, okay?” Scar sounds confused but compiles anyway.

Grian brings his mind to the mushrooms, the grid pulls him in all directions, everything asking for his attention at once, his head throbs slightly as he searches for the ones surrounding them. Grian sighs, “Scar, you’ve got to be a bit more creative than that.”

Scar scoffs in disbelief, “Oh yeah? Then what am I doing then?” He folds his arms, smiling like he thinks he’s won, keeping his eyes trained on Grian’s, making sure he never opens them.

Grian smiles fondly, “You were waving and now you’re crossing your arms.” Scar gapes at him and does something else and each time he tries to do something new, and every time he can tell him what it is.

Grian takes his arms from the ground, and feels the mycelium recede from his hands, creeping back into the ground, “How?'' Scar stares at him in awe, which makes Grian blush.

“I, uh, I don't know. I just wanted to try something because of the grid, and so I experimented a bit? but I guess I can see what they see?” Grian points towards the small mushrooms and scars face lights in fascination.

“Birdie, I hope you know how absolutely fantastic you are,” Scar grins at him with all the love in the world. Grian blurts out a laugh. He wraps his arms around Grian and pulls him close in a big hug and presses a kiss into his hair. 

_____

“Hey uhm uh Scar… I-I want to go see Pearl.”

Grian had too many sleepless nights, he thought finally, finally , he was getting better. He was sleeping, still nightmarish, but less, he was leaving for walks with Scar almost daily now, he had been working on his connection to the grid. He was, if only for a minute or so, able to look at himself in the mirror without instantly getting nauseous, he even thought he looked a little cool the few seconds before the panic set in. But he’s been up thinking about his sister for the past couple of days.

She probably didn’t even notice.

 No, she did, there’s no way she wouldn’t have, they had gotten into a routine and if he wasn’t there it would have shattered that routine, she noticed and she cares. 

She’s worried sick, she’s heard the town's stories, she believed in them more than he ever did, she probably thinks he’s dead, oh dear, he needs to see her, him being a monster be damned, she needs to know he’s alive.

Scar pauses his kneading of bread dough and wipes his hands on a cloth, “Alright lovey, do you want to be put under my glamour, your’s won't be developed enough to do it yourself, you’re too new to this and it would probably be best to ease her into this, don’t want to scare her, or uhm have her murder me, I stopped by before I found you and she threatened to kill me if I di-”

Grian cuts him off from his rambling, knowing if he didn’t stop him now he wasn’t ever going to get on with it, “Scar, you’ve mentioned glamour before but you never uh, I have no clue what it is, and how is it going to help ease Pearl into this whole mess, it’s not like you can just strip my connection away now.”

“Oh, but I can. Well sorta, more like I can give you a disguise of sorts. It’s how I walked to the Inkycap, I didn’t have my rather amazing pointed ears, I wasn’t insanely tall to human standards, it just made me look human,” Scar explains as he opens a cabinet full of dried herbs and flowers, some crystals, and a few other things he couldn’t put to name, “I’ll teach you how to do it one day, but for now I think it’s better if I do it.”

Grian stares at him with an intense look, “You mean I could’ve gone and seen Pearl the second I woke up, I could’ve gone back to my old life, AND YOU SAID NOTHING?!” he blurted, not angrily just a little confused, annoyed maybe, upset even that Scar didn’t ever mention this before. He had been an absolute wreck, and still is, he struggles to look at himself for too long and he says nothing. If anything he felt a little betrayed.

Scar sighs and grabs a flower he couldn’t put a name to, a vial and some honeycomb that had been wrapped in some large leaves, “Dearie, I didn’t tell you because I felt like you needed to come to terms with this first,” Scar clears his throat, “and I may have forgotten that you don't know about fae stuff,” he mutters. Scar is so used to having these abilities, to knowing these things that he takes that knowledge for granted sometimes and assumes everyone knows.

Grian sighs, twisting his hands together. He really misses his sister.

Scar crushes up the flower and honeycomb in a mortar and pistol as he explains calmly, “You wouldn’t have been able to go back to your old life, a glamour can’t be kept forever hun, it drains the caster of energy slowly, and you’ve got a lot of raw energy that doesn’t know how to organize itself. it’s going to take a lot for me to hold it enough to go see Pearl, my glamour has been damaged,” he finalizes as he puts the mixture into the small vial, sealing it with a cork as he looks around for some twine, “This is going to hold for a short amount of time, hey uh do you know where the twine is? I'm going to make this into a necklace for you.”

Grian shifts in his seat, “I have no clue where anything is in this house,” he deadpans as Scar rummages through another drawer, soon finding some, “So glamour, it.. I, are you going to be able to come with me, I know you need to have walking aids when you come to the Inkycap, I don’t want to drain you if you’ll have to do it to yourself as well.”

Scar waves him off as he finishes tying the vial to the twine, “It takes less energy for me to do it to myself, I have to have a solid connection if I'm using it on something else, which is why I made you…" Scar finishes tying the string together, " This ,” He holds out the new necklace for Grian, it holds the crushed petals and honey, “Those petals are from my birth flower, it’ll tie you more easily to my magic and it should hold the glamour for longer and will drain less of my energy.”

Grian holds it gently in his hands as he traces along the vial,” so, this will make me look human again,” he asks wistfully as his eyes start to fog around the edges, he can be human again. 

Scar eyes him. “Grian,” he says in a warning tone, “I know what you’re thinking, and I'm sorry, I really am, but you can never truly go back to that life Grian.'' he wants to snap back, say something bitter, something angry because with this, he can. “If you hold glamour too long it can kill you. you’ll exhaust yourself.”

Grian’s heart pangs. It hurts so bad to have the solution to all his problems in his hands, it's right there , but it isn't permanent. It's a bandaid on a gaping wound. “Okay,” he says quietly, anger still bubbling beneath his skin. He feels the now familiar curl of tall mushroom-like vines creep up his legs. He tries to push them back down, they listen, leaving him alone. 

_____

Scar walks out onto the porch and sits next to Grian, he quickly wipes the tears from his face. Grian twiddles his fingers, tugging at a tall strand of grass, he tries to ignore the mushrooms growing by his feet, the way they try to curl around him, telling him to come back, they lean towards him like he’s a human magnet. “What's on your mind, love?”

Grian raises his hand, making the mushrooms follow it, they grow taller and then shrink down when he commands it. He fiddles with them to distract his mind. He twirls them around forming spirals and squashes them around.

So many things fly through his head, what is he, did he die, maybe this is all a dream, how is this possible, why him, why did he go into the forest, could he ever be normal again, what will he find when he looks in the mirror, how can Scar look at him, what's wrong him, with his hands?  “I..” he tries, “Scar, I'm not me anymore, look at me, I don't know who or what I am. What will Pearl think when she sees me like this,” Grian cries. He's finally starting to think about what happened and he's so scared. Is he even himself if he’s changed so much? He’s terrified of what Pearl will say, will she still stick by his side?

Scar pulls him close and holds him tight, tucking Grian under his chin as tears drip down his face, “What you look like doesn't make you who you are, your laugh is who you are, it's your favorite sweater, your personality, the way your eyes light up when you see the stars at night. You are the flowers in your hair, you are the mismatched socks you wear. You may look different but you are still Grian. You are still the same person, the one with stars in his eyes, the one who loves tea, who is so fucking incredible. Your sister knows you, she loves you so so much”

Grian tries to stifle his cries as words catch in his throat and his throat lets out something torn between a sob and a wail because how can Scar say that with such confidence? How can he know, he wants to believe Scar, he really does but he doesn't know if he can.

Scar runs his fingers through Grian’s hair, tapping each of the small mushrooms growing out of his head, a gesture that says more than words ever can. One that says , I see you, and I still love every part of you even if you can't right now, “I can't lie, and I wouldn't even if if I could, songbird.”

Grian bit his lip, he tried to control his shaking, Scar just held him, he let him cry, and he would let him cry till he felt better. They listen to the soft patter of the rain. Grian soaks in Scar's warmth like he hasn't seen the sun for years. He melts into a clingy mess as Scar runs a gentle hand down his back. He leans into the touch, leans into him as he holds him tighter.

“What else are you scared of lovie? Do you want to talk about it?'' Scar asks sweetly and he's too good for Grian, nice, kind, too sweet for his own good. “Talk to me birdie”

“It's just”, he sighs hooking. His hands behind his neck trying to stop the tears, “Life's been kinda shit to me. I didn't grow up in a very accepting family, my parents were extremely religious. They were strict and mean, but I loved them. I just wanted them to love me for who I was, rather than who they wanted me to be.” Thinking about his parents again makes the itching feeling come back like something’s wrong, that they watch your every move to criticize it, to drag him through the mud because he wasn't normal.

“They didn't understand being different. They thought that if you struggled with something it was, God testing you. Or punishing you because you were a bad person.” He scowles, hating that that was once the way he thought too. It took years to shake the indoctrination off.

It took him so long to even swear without feeling guilty. He doesn't think most people know how far the indoctrination goes, how it kinda follows you for the rest of your life like a shadow or a ghost. how it roots itself deep in your bones and it seems you can never truly purge yourself from it.

“They weren't exactly thrilled to know I was trans. I got outed by some dickhead and that's where everything went downhill... dysphoria got worse, extreme religious conventions... self-harm." He made a point not to look at him, afraid of what he’d see on Scar's face. He carefully twined their fingers together as he squeezed Grian’s hand comfortingly, with no judgment, only caring.

“I graduated and ran away. The hardest part was leaving Pearl and Jimmy. Jimmy's my best 

friend and Pearl was the only one of my siblings to stick by me and stand up to our parents.” telling Jimmy would be a whole ordeal on its own. He probably wants some explanation of why Grian disappeared and practically ghosted him for… how long has it been? He can't remember.

Pearl was his hero. If he could choose one person to look up to he thinks Pearl would be the best. She was too stubborn for her own good and cared so much. Panic flares up because he could lose her. He doesn't want to, he wants to go to her and say sorry for disappearing, sorry for everything. He wants her back but he’s not sure she’ll want him like he is now.

“I met Leon and he took me. I was just some fucked up kid and he was nice to me when he could have just left me. He even helped pay for my top surgery and testosterone. Then when he died, my world came crashing down.'' He misses Leon so much. It's slowly getting more bearable, but when he first died not even Pearl was able to drag him from bed for weeks. He barely ate and drank less. It hits him then that he hasn't taken his testosterone since before this whole ordeal, does it even matter now, it's not like he’s human anymore.

“It hit Pearl hard too. She came to find me and Leon took her in too. She only knew him for around a year.” She and Leon were close, he practically adopted the both of them in every way but on paper. Pearl grieved differently than he did. She threw herself into work, never giving herself time to think. She eventually crashed and burnt herself out. She collapsed. Grian remembers holding her as she cried. She was there for him when he cried, it was his turn to be there for her.

“Then, all this happened and my mind’s been scrambled. Sometimes I think the universe is against me because I finally get something good and it gets ripped away. I'm scared about losing Pearl, losing Jimmy… And I'm scared I'll lose you too.

There it is, all of his deepest fears and scars laid out on the table. It feels good to get it all out but he’s so scared, his body is tense because he doesn't know what to expect, he doesn't want to feel like this, the panicky feeling of giving your heart to someone, afraid that they may crush it in their hands with one word, but Scar wouldn't do that, he knows Scar and he knows him.

He didn't mean to blurt all of that out but it's all been building up for years and it's like the floodgates have finally opened, like he’s finally released the heaviest weight. He looks at Scar for a moment before looking down at his hands and chuckling dryly. “God, I feel like an idiot because so many people have it worse than me. Sorry for unloading all this on you”

Scar softly bumps his shoulder, “Don't apologize, I don't mind listening. You’re allowed to have feelings. and I promise I won't leave you.” Something changes in the air, fae can't lie, so, they don't take promises lightly. Scar cups his face and bonks their foreheads                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       together. “I'm sorry you didn't have the parents you deserve, I'm sorry life has been unkind to you. I'm sorry that you had to end up here, that you had to face all that alone.”

Scar takes a breath, pausing as if contemplating to say what he’s thinking. “I.. I know what it's like to fear that you’ll lose someone you love. I lost most of my family in a forest fire and..” Scar chokes on his words. Grian wraps his arms around Scar, he didn't know how much he’d been hurting too.

“What happened?” Grian asks, not demandingly.

 Scar makes a surprised noise not expecting Grian to ask, “This isn't about me, we're talking about you,” he tries, clearly not wanting to overstep.

Grian brushes Scar's hair out of his eyes with fumbling hands, “I care about you Scar, if there's something on your mind or something you want to get out you can tell me, if you want to, you don't have to.'' he wants Scar to feel as safe as he does with him.

“Are you sure” his voice hitches, like no one's asked him if he’s okay .

“Yes, anything you want to say, anything at all,” Grian says with no hesitation. Scar has been the rock Grian has clung to and leaned on, Scar deserves the same treatment, someone there who will listen, who cares, who comforts. 

Scar clears his throat, “on the other side of the forest, a few centuries back, the humans got restless and angry. They wanted to get rid of us so they started a fire, an explosion. My parents and a few of my friends got stuck in the middle of it. It's fine though, I-.. I've had time to process it. hah, lots of time”

Grian looks at Scar and sees all the heartbreak in his eyes, all the pain, like it happened yesterday, like he remembers every detail, every scream and cry of pain, the crackling of the fire behind him. Grian lets the mushrooms grow and cling to Scar, coiling around his ankle as if to say, I'm here, I'm sorry, you’re not alone. he so desperately wishes he could do more, be more, he wants to comfort Scar the way he has done for him. He deserves the world, but all Grian has is himself so he does what he can. He stays by Scar's side because that's what he’s done for him.

Scar leans further into him, “Then, about 100 years ago, I had a lover.” oh, there's pain in his voice, what happened? “They were uh, human. I was scared at first but they eventually grew on me” he chuckled fondly, “I watched them grow old, get sick.. I watched them die and that probably hurt the most,” he says it like a secret he’s kept guarded close to his heart till then, never letting anyone in and Grian sees it in the pinch of his brows, the way he hunches in on himself, the way Scar looks so utterly destroyed that he blames himself.

a few tears slipped down his face. Grian moves to wipe them away, wishing he could make him feel better. Scar took a shaky breath wiping away tears quickly, “s-so I know,” his voice cracks, “stars above, I know what it's like to be scared you’ll lose people, I'm terrified.” He rests his head on Grian’s shoulder, “I tried not to care about you, I really did, because you were human, because I knew I would get hurt or you would, and I was right.”

He sits up and stares Grian in the eyes, “That's why I said you were my everything. because you are the first person I've let myself get close to in decades.”

Grian smiles shaky, tired, and sad at Scar, both of  them crying, exhausted from emotional fatigue, he really wasn't expecting to talk about all this tonight. he wants to wrap Scar up and tell him everything’s going to be okay but other words are more important right now, “none of this is your fault.” He’s said it before but he’ll say it again and he hopes Scar knows what he means when he says that. it's not your fault that I ended up like this, it's not your fault they died, not your fault.  

Grian traps Scar in a hug, he wants to say so much more but Scar dissolves, sobbing loudly, chest heaving for air in a way Grian’s never seen before. He’s never seen him so wrecked, and maybe it's the night, the calm before the storm, maybe it was because they both dredged up their worst nightmares and fears to each other, giving their hearts to each other so trustingly, but it clicks for Grian that he truly loves Scar, no matter what and he loves him, and it shakes his entire world, rocking his already shaky heart.

He realizes then that he would do anything for Scar and he will do and has done the same. Being with him is like breathing, so easy, can't live without it, can't live without you now that I've found you. He buries his head in Scar's hair, they fit together like two misshapen puzzle pieces, ones that were lost from the box but somehow fit together.

Scar kept his feelings bottled up so he could rely on him. Scar was also alone for much longer than he had been. Scar doesn't think he’s allowed to have sad emotions so he locks them away but he seems to have found the key and Scar opens the door and lets him in. Grian is determined to be there for Scar when life gets tough for him.

They stumble to bed, both so unsteady on their feet that they could be mistaken to be drunk, laughing wetly when they nearly stumble. Grian falls forward into the bed pulling himself close to Scar. They shuffle around till they’re comfortable, once settled Grian leans to Scar's face pressing their foreheads together and kissing him muttering against his lips, “Love you” .

Scar smiles into the kiss sweetly, gently pressing back and muttering in a language all his own. He doesn't know what it means but the words comfort him, “ love you too, love you so much starlight,” Scar mumbles kissing him again, twisting his hand through Grian's hair.

He is terrified of tomorrow, of facing Pearl, scared of what she’ll say, how she’ll react but he thinks for this moment he can be okay.

_____

Grian stands at the edge of the forest, thoughts buzzing through his head . She’s going to be terrified of you, she’s going to yell, scream, she’ll probably cry, she hates you, she could never accept you for what you are.

Scar rests his hand on his shoulder, “I can hear you overthinking from here lovie, it’ll be okay, you’re her brother, and she would never leave you. She threatened to kill me if I didn't bring you back.”

Mushrooms rooted him to the forest floor, damp from the morning dew, don’t leave, stay, we need you here, echoes through the back of his head. He shakes them off and hugs Scar tightly,” Thank you for doing this with me.”

Scar holds him close and rests his chin on top of his head carding fingers through his hair “ I’ll always be here for you.” he whispers unrecognizable words into his hair and he pulls back as he feels himself getting shorter, his connection to the forest being constricted, the constant buzzing of voices in the back of his head still for the first time since Scar found him. It feels as if a part of him has disappeared.

Scar threads their fingers together, “You ready?” With a quick nod, they step out of the forest for the first time in over 2 months.

__

Grian hesitantly opens the shop, the familiar bell chiming and everything’s just how he left it. how could he come back so different, so changed, and yet nothing here has changed? It made his brain spin because it seemed like he was the only one who felt like something was wrong. He looks down at his hands, normal hands, untouched by the forest, but it's fake, he knows it's still there, now written in his bones.

“I’ll be with you in a moment,” Pearl called from the back as Grian and Scar walk over to their usual spot by the back doors. The voice of his sister nearly makes him cry, it's been far too long since he’s heard it. He didn't realize just how much he missed her till she was there, so close, close enough to wrap her up in a giant hug.

Icy panic fills him, maybe he's not ready for this, “She’s going to hate me once we let the glamour down, I-I don’t think I could handle that,” Grian mumbles as he nervously twiddles his thumbs, staring at the door in the back, where she was.

Scar pulls him into his side, comfortably rubbing at his arm, “I don’t think we’re talking about the same Pearl here. The one I know would never leave her brother behind, no matter what.” he smiled reassuringly. “I'll be here with you the whole time, I'm here if you need me.”

A whine escaped from the back of his throat, torn between wanting to leave and wanting to stay, skin itching in painful indecision, mind dragging him both ways in a frightful game of tug of war. If he told Scar he’s not ready he wouldn't push him and would take him back home and they’d cuddle or dance or some mushy shit like that. He wants to run back to the forest and hide from this conversation forever but he knows he can’t.

His body is all jittery, hands tapping nervously by his sides as he waits and this is the longest wait of his life, the seconds stretch out, each one more painful than the last. He tries to calm his racing heart but can't seem to manage it. it feels like it's trying to break from his ribs and run away.

Grian turns his eyes to the door as someone walks in and.. “Jimmy?”

Jimmy stares at Grian bagel in hand, frozen solid like he’s seen a ghost, and to him, Grian is. Why is Jimmy here. How is he here, he has school and a life. Why is he at The Inkycap? He stumbles back a step and sets his bagel on the counter and he lunges forward. He lets Grian go with shaky hands, breaking the contact all too quickly. He hadn’t seen Jimmy in months, “ PEARL!!”

It all happens too fast for him to process, Jimmy is here and Pearl is coming, this may be more than he can handle, his brain whirrs and spins like the playground swings everyone would always wind up and spin on till they’re sick.

Pearl walks through the door and time seems to slow, “ Alright, alright, I’m her-” her eyes grow wide as they land on him. The books in her hands come clattering to the ground as she runs at him as fast as she can, “Grian!?” She pulls him up into a bone-crushing hug, her mind moves a hundred miles a minute as she rattles off question after question “Where did you go, are you alright, did anyone hurt you? I swear to all that is holy if Scar had anything to do with this I’m going to tear him apart.”

Grian’s stunned for a moment by the force of Pearl crashing into him. Tears fill his eyes and he wraps his arms around Pearl tightly. He sobs as his sister holds him, “Pearl, I'm so sorry, I missed you so much,” he squeezes her tighter before letting her go. He feels like laughing, she's here now, she loves him and she missed him, and he missed her.

She's crying just as much as he is with a smile too big for her face. He sees some of the tension ease off her as she fusses over him and he’s home again, here with his sister. “God, Grian. you scared me so much, I thought you died!” she nearly yells, sniffing loudly, “I thought you were gone for good and that I wouldn’t ever find you,” She squeezes his hands so tight he fears she may break them.

Pearl snaps her head towards Scar accusatorially, “ Where was he, why was he gone so long, what did you do!?” she yells, emotions strung all over the place. Pearl can stay calm in times of crisis but when she gets mad nothing will stop her from tearing something, or someone apart.

Grian chuckles nervously cutting her off, “Please don’t shred apart my partner, he’s kind of the only reason I’m alive right now.” He wipes the tears from his eyes so he can see but kind of regrets it because of the way Pearl stares wide-eyed at him.

She grabs him and shakes him a little and goes to glare at Scar with a gaze that can kill. She holds Grian out by his shoulders, “ What the HELL HAPPENED!?” She turns to Scar digging her finger into his chest, “I told you if anything happened to Grian I would rip you limb from limb. It’s your fault he even went in there and now I hear HE ALMOST FUCKING DIED!?” Pearl shouted, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes as her blood boiled, he could practically see the steam coming off her, “YOU BETTER HAVE A DAMN GOOD REASON FOR MAKING HIM THINK YOU DIED OR SOME SHIT!”

Scar puts his hands up in defense leaning back into the couch to create as much distance as he can so Pearl doesn't rip his head off, “I know I know, I take full blame for everything that happened to him. He didn’t deserve any of what happened, but I’ve been there for him throughout his entire recovery,” Scar says trying to keep his composure but he sees how he shrinks a little like he wants to disappear because he still blames himself and having Pearl say that is like pouring salt into the wound and mashing it around with a blender.

Pearl gives him a worried look, eyes filled with worry and confusion, “Pearl, a lot happened, and a lot of it I haven't even come to terms with but things have changed,'' he holds his hands together to keep them from shaking. He glances back at Scar, he can't do this alone.

Scar walks to the front door changes the open sign to closed and locks the door, he pulls down the curtains one by one. “Grian?'' Pearl says. he can hear the fear in her voice and he already wants to cry. dread pools in his stomach like never before, it eats at his insides slowly turning everything inside him to ash.

“A lot has changed and I need you… just, please don't freak out too much,” he says hesitantly. if he had been able to eat anything this morning he’s sure he would have lost it all by now. “Jimmy? You okay?”

His silence has him on edge, he hasn't even said a single word to Grian. He’s probably tired of your bullshit, ready to leave you like he should have years ago.

Jimmy eyes him warily but nods in agreement. Pearl stares at him as he walks over to Scar, “Wh- I, Grian! You disappear for over a month and you come back saying stuff like this, what is going on? Where were you!?” The way she says it makes her sound so broken, and she probably is. God, he feels like such an ass, how could he disappear on her like that, it was unfair, borderline cruel, to scare her like that, to make her think he had died.

He holds his hand out to Scar and he takes it, looking up at him. Grian nods, “I'm ready,” he whispers. Scar squeezes his hand in response and lets Grian’s glamour drop, and it's like he’s molted, leaving behind the old itchy claustrophobic skin for the new one. he hates how his new body is starting to feel like the right one when he despises it. When it makes him hate his reflection. He misses not knowing what this felt like.

He looks between his sister and his best friend, seeing the thing he feared, horror. He can feel tears fill his eyes, his throat constricts, threatening to choke the life out of him. He can't stand it, the way they stare at him, like he’s an alien… like he's a monster. “p-Pearl? Jimmy? Don't worry, I-I'm still me but, I..”

He watches the tears fall from Pearl's face as she slowly takes a stuttering step back. Panic seizes him and he moves after her, “Pearl, please don't leave, I-I need you,” his chest burns, it feels like someone shoved a mouthful of hot coals down his throat.

“What are you?” She stumbles backward as Grian moves towards her, tripping and crawling away, lifting herself up on a bookshelf she backed into. “You’re not m-my…” and she doesn't need to finish to know what she’s going to say. You’re not my brother. He drops his hands to his sides as his heart breaks, fracturing into pieces smaller than stardust that burn up in the atmosphere as they hurl down to the earth.

He lets her run out of the bookshop, leaving through the door that leads into the house. He turns his head to Jimmy and just that action alone feels like he’s turning a mountain, a weight he can't move. “Jimmy? I- p-please don't leave?” he sobs. Jimmy just stares at him, too shocked to speak.

He looks from Grian to the door where Pearl left, then back to Grian. “I-” he croaks, clearly torn between staying and following Pearl. “Grian, this is… I’ll be back” trying to keep his composure. He disappears as he stares at Jimmy leave him too, step after step till he’s through the door without a backward glance, and then he’s gone. 

He just lost the two most important people in his life in one minute. 

He crashes to the floor like a meteor burning up as it streaks into the atmosphere and he sits among the wreckage. He ruined everything. He plays back the last two minutes, over and over till it all swirls in his mind, nothing is real anymore, what is he, he's not himself and Scar refuses to let him go on believing he's a monster, but if he's not either then what is he? The question curls around his mind like a disease.

Everything hurts, his brain digs up old wounds, scraping them back to the surface till they rot like a maggot-infested carcas, they scream at him in a choir louder than the roaring fire In his ears. I'm fine I'm fine, he says to Scar because maybe saying it will make it true, maybe it will make Pearl come back.

She's mad at you, You can't do anything right, You're a monster, a Freak, and even your own sister can see it. You saw the way she looked at you, she was afraid, and he despairs, howling wildly, because he knows, he knows, but he can't even move to go after her, she's gone and he’s lost her forever. His whole body shakes, and he grasps for air as he is wracked with ugly, horrible sobs because the thing that haunted him every second of his life, his horrible nightmares twist around him but they’re not just in his dreams now.

He felt his heart beat against his chest slowly, as if it too wished to give up, nobody wants you around anyway. His bones felt sharp, like a razor blade tearing into flesh, he could see the red dripping from it, falling on the floor, plip, plip... NOBODY needed him, wanted him, maybe the world would be better if he wasn't around if he didn't exist. Just one jump, one leap, fall into the murky waters where they will find your bloated body days later… Grian claps his hands over his ears. He shouldn't think like this, nonono stop, he clenches his fists around his jacket, he tries to focus on the worn knitted fabric between his fingers.

He slowly comes back to himself, breathing ragged and harsh as snot clogs up his throat. He becomes aware of the arms wrapped around him, he leans his shaking body into them and reminds himself who he is.

I am Grian, I am real, I'm okay, I'm safe now. He sucks in a breath and tries to push his thoughts away because they burn like hot acid, eating through his skull.

Nothing but a disappointment, I never wished for such a terrible DAUGHTER, of course, I'll love you. Just come back to us, Ariana .

His hand is snarled in his mop of ragged hair, sharp nails digging into his head as every nasty voice comes back and rots his mind. He focuses on the prickle of pain as he pulls harder, harder, harder, YANK IT ALL OUT. Gentle calloused hands weave between his own, making him release the death grip he has on his hair. “Shhh, I'm here lovie, I'm here,” Scar mutters into his head softly, he presses a gentle kiss into his hair which makes him sob harder. Scar is too nice to him, he doesn't deserve him, but Scar is here, he never left and the realization hits him like a wave, crashing violently on the shore. His body shutters as he reminds himself again, that he is real, he is alive, he IS his own person. 

Scar gently rubs his arm up and down, Grian grounds himself in the motion, feeling the soft heat his hands always glow with, “Breath, please songbird, breathe. I know it hurts, and I'm sorry, but you need to breathe with me,” he prods, and Grian can tell he’s trying to keep the panic from his voice but he can hear how Scar's voice quakes. “She didn't mean it, give her time.” 

Grian wants to believe him but he saw the look in her eyes, the fear, and Jimmy too. They were both gone. Two of his biggest supports, the rocks that make up his foundation have been removed, crumbled to dust, and blown away in the howling wind and he fell. He crumpled into Scar wishing the earth would rise up and swallow him.

“Ss-Scar, what d-do I do? She h-h” he chokes on the words, “she hates m-me”. His head hurts, he wants, needs someone to make it stop. “What do I do,” he cries hopelessly. He can't lose his sister too, he can't lose Jimmy. He can't lose the only two people who accepted him but maybe a monster was too much to accept.

The door squeaks open and he swivels his head in its direction, snapping to the face that appears. Pearl. She slowly walks into the room and sits by him. He watches her with tear-filled eyes. Her face is a blotchy red, she's been crying too. He wonders how many times over the past month he’s made her cry, and made her worry by not coming home. He feels awful, he never wanted to worry her like that.

She opens her mouth but before any words come out, tears stream down her face. “Oh Gri, I'm so sorry, I-I didn't mean to make you feel like that” she cries, holding his hands tightly. “I don't hate you, I could never hate you.”

“No, it's fine, you’re right, I am a freak” he chokes on the words, wishing the tears would just go away.

“ NO, YOU'RE NOT, Grian, I swear to god that is not what I said and I would never say that . You are not, you’re my brother and I love you. I never should have- I didn't mean it, I promise, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it,” she shouts angrily, the raw emotion in her voice hurts!

Grian tries to contain the shake in his hands but Pearl notices, she squeezes his hands tight. “I shouldn't have left like that, I am so sorry. I was scared but I'm n-not anymore. I love you no matter what.'' The words feel unreal, and it's so similar to what she told him years ago when she found him in the bathroom with the scissors and a terrible choppy haircut, drawn on stubble with eyeshadow, wearing dad's clothes. ‘Love you no matter what, I'm always here for you’. 

He wraps his arms around her and pulls her into a bone-crushing hug, she hugs him back just as tight, squeezing the breath from his lungs once again. “I l-love you, so m-uch,” Grian murmurs. Pearl sobs, her shoulders shaking from giant gasps of air. “Oh Grian, I'm so so sorry, I love you too, love you so much.” she echoes back to him.

They cry in each other's arms, Grian barely notices when Jimmy files in the room hesitantly, clearly not wanting to interrupt the moment but his hands twitch nervously by his side. When their eyes lock, Jimmy walks over to them. Grian and Pearl slowly part as Jimmy kneels next to them. “It's okay if you don't want to stay,” he looks at Jimmy. The words make his face squish together in a painful expression.

Jimmy clenches his hands in fists, “I am not leaving” he says stubbornly, he grabs Grian and pulls him tight into another hug that knocks the wind from his lungs. It feels like the heaviest weight has been lifted from him, his family isn't leaving him, they’re staying despite what he’s become and he’s crying all over again.

They’re staying, they still love him, he laughs through sobs, “I l-love you guys so much”. he’s so happy they’re here, he's glad Jimmy came now so he didn't have to agonize for months on whether or not to tell him, “and I'm s-sorry, for disappearing like that, I didn't want to,” he hiccups

Pearl smooths his hair down, “We know, but how did this even happen, why- I don't understand Gri”

“I know, a-nd I’ll explain everything, I promise,” and he does, stuttering through sobs, he tells them about foxglove, how he was trapped, how he never wanted to leave them for so long, how terrible he felt. he tells them what he remembers about Mother Spore. the way she took away the pain, the way he almost died and he looks to Scar for help because he can't remember what happened there, the next week a jumbled mess of memories, and Scar willingly helps, filling in the gaps of his story. 

He tells them what he can do now, about his connection to the forest, and how it means he can’t ever truly leave, how going too far from the forest will kill him. he retells how Scar took care of him, how he cared for him and kept him from spiraling, glazing over the late nights, the quiet moments in between, the stars, the mountains, the feeling of waking up next to the person helping him learn to love himself, the memories he guards close to his heart.

At the end of it, neither of them knew what to say, Pearl tried to contain her tears knowing that if she starts crying again, she won’t stop, and neither would Grian. Jimmy paces back and forth, processing the information Grian dumped on him, clearly trying to understand something that Grian barely understood himself.

Pearl sucks in a breath, “so… you can’t stay? '' She holds her breath, whether she realizes it or not, he sees the cogs in her head turning and preparing herself for the answer she doesn't want to hear.

any attempt on collecting his heart back in one piece stuttered and fell away as his sister looked at him so brokenly and he notices for the first time the slump in her posture, the bags under her eyes, just how messy her hair is, and he feels like the worlds biggest asshole. He can't stand seeing her break all over again so he looks down at his hands, his too-long fingers, the sharp claws where nails should be, and mutters a quiet, “No.”

he hears Pearl's voice hitch as she cries, “I-I, Gri, I can't lose you again” she squeaks, “you can't just disappear back into that f-forest, I won't- I can't- AUGH, just promise me you won't disappear again ” she yells in anguish because he’s going somewhere she can't follow him this time. Pearl can't live in the forest, it's too dangerous.

He grabs her hands and feels the faint tremors in them, “I promise, I promise I won't disappear again. I can't stay here in the bookshop with you, but I will come as often as I can,” he swears, he hates that he can't stay here, that his human life is over. The thing he mourns is the time he’s going to lose with Pearl. He and his sister have always been close, always there for one another, but he can't stay, it kills him.

Jimmy continues to pace, setting Grian’s nerves on fire because he hasn't said anything this entire time. “Jimmy?” he stands to meet his friend, his friend, though, considers him closer to a brother, I’m sorry please say something. “ Jimmy?”

He finally turns to look at him, “I get that you were going through a lot but, you couldn't have answered one text?” Jimmy’s hand is held tight around his phone, knuckles bone white. Grian’s heart falls when he sees the look on Jimmy’s face, fear, anger, confusion.

He must have forgotten that detail, “Tim, I swear I would have, that would have been one of the first things I would have done once I was okay, but I lost it, some time while I was under the fae’s control,” saying it out loud only makes him hate the stupid foxglove fae more, just one more thing they did to make his life hell.

Jimmy walks up to him and looks at him, tears in his eyes, “ I’m sorry” he says, feeling the words catch in his throat. Jimmy punches him in the arm, not hard enough to leave a bruise but hard enough to make him fall backward a step, then Jimmy pulls him into a tight hug like he’s afraid if he lets go, Grian will disappear again. He has to lean down to hug Jimmy, his limbs feel too long. It doesn't stop Jimmy though, he doesn't flinch back at the discolored scratchy skin, or the claws, he just holds tight to Grian.

“You really Scared me, we both thought you died,” he cries into Grian, words muffled in his shirt. He hates that he’s put his family through this, that he put the two most important people to him, through all that, that they thought he died. “Don't ever do anything like that again”

“I won't,” Grian promises.

_____

“So you can do magic?” Jimmy holds his hand, inspecting the claws and pricking his finger on the end of one of them. 

Grian thinks for a moment, “I guess so?” He looks at Scar and he shrugs his shoulders. After everything had calmed down a bit, Scar showed Pearl and Jimmy that he was fae too, which didn't shock them. Grian thinks that after what he revealed to them they weren't going to be surprised by much else.

He pets Maui, the cat he’d completely forgotten about. He'd crawled into Grian's lap thirty minutes ago and decided to take a nap. He can't believe he’d forgotten such a wonderful little creature. The small cat seemed to take a liking to Pearl while he was gone. She said that he’d become quite attached to Tilly and they never went anywhere without each other. Grian in good conscience couldn't take Maui with him to Scar’s house but he was looking forward to seeing the kitten every time he visited.

Pearl fiddles with her hands, “It's a bit freaky, ya know, the whole seeing everything in the forest,” she rakes her hands through her hair. Grian has to agree with her, it certainly wasn't what he was expecting.

Jimmy slaps her arm, “it's cool.” Pearl squawks, hitting him back saying, she never said it wasn't cool. They bicker like siblings, it makes him smile. This was still a lot for all of them to get used to but he thinks they’ll figure it out, eventually.

Jimmy said he was going to get Grian a new phone so he and Pearl could still text him and call him, and he said he had his own money and could buy one himself but Jimmy refused, stubborn as ever, and to prove his point, Jimmy ordered Grian a new phone right there and then.

While he and Jimmy ‘fought’ over it, Grian could hear behind him Pearl thanking Scar for bringing her brother back and keeping him safe. Scar replied, “Of course”. Pearl then proceeded to threaten Scar, saying that if he broke Grian’s heart she would hunt him down and tear him apart, clearly wanting to make sure Grian's new partner got the message she crushed something in her hand, though he couldn't see what it was.

he turned around to glare at Pearl, “I thought I told you not to tear my partner apart,” he raises his eyebrows and she huffs, clearly not willing to let this go but drops it, for now. 

He's so happy that they are staying but one thing doesn't make sense, “Jimmy, why are you here?” He wants to know because Jimmy should be at home in the middle of a semester. “ not that I mind it ” he says quickly, “I just don't understand.”

Jimmy scratches behind his ear, “after the first week, where you didn't show up, Pearl called me. she sounded scared and frantically asked me if you’d texted, and when I said no, she started to freak out more. After the second week passed I started to get scared too. I came down here so I could help Pearl look for you.”

“But, what about college? Aren't you busy?" Grian asks, bothered because he doesn't want to put Jimmy behind in his schooling.

“I was able to switch some of my classes to do online when I talked to my professors about it but I had to drop some, I couldn't focus on college full time,” Jimmy admits, guilt twists sharply in Grian’s gut   

“oh, I-.. you better go back to school,” Grian demands, “or ill be forced to make fun of you. but in all honesty, I'm really sorry Tim, I never wanted to drag you down.”  

Jimmy grabs his shoulders forcefully, “Grian, you are not dragging me down. I dropped out of those classes because it was too much for me to keep up with.”

Grian’s heart thuds against his ribs, “Okay” he concedes, trying to stamp the guilt down.

The four of them talk till dinner time, Scar puts the glamour back over them as a precaution for curious wanderers who peek through curtains, it also had nothing to do with how many times the both of them knocked their skulls against the roof and walked through doors.

Grian missed this so much, how safe this place felt to him, how its warm candlelight glow and dark wood made him happy. It was something he couldn't explain, just a feeling. it's like he can breathe again, can feel.

Pearl sits next to him on the couch where he watches Jimmy and Scar mess around with glamour, turning Jimmy's legs into chicken feet. He snickers as Jimmy falls over, unbalanced on the new set of feet he’s gotten himself. Pearl can barely contain her laughter, her whole body shaking from laughing. “He seems pretty great,” Pearl comments, grabbing her cup of tea.

Grian smiles looking at Scar, “Yeah, he is.” he means it, Scar is a whole new planet in his solar system, a star that burns bright, that keeps him warm.

Pearl leans her head on Grian’s shoulder and chuckles, “Guess this means I'm not the tallest anymore,” she jokes. Grian rests his head on hers, 

“Yeah, guess so. What's it like being short?” He jabs and Pearl gawks, sitting up, mouth hanging open.

She punches his stomach playfully, making him double over laughing, “You take that back, how dare you. I am not short,” she scoffs with faked disgust drizzled over her words. Grian doesn't know how he could have ever thought that Pearl would hate him.

She’s always been there for him, and now he knows she always will be and it makes his insides warm. his family, his people are sticking with him. He's so grateful for them, for everyone who’s stayed, for those who couldn't, Leon, and he finally feels like he’s learning to live again. 

Pearl's unrelenting witty torment pounds over him as she continues to explain that 5,4 is a perfectly acceptable height and that he shouldn't even talk because he was 5,2. Grian laughs, “Okayokay. you’re not short.” 

Pearl cheers in victory. Grian chuckles, “I love you” Grian leans closer to his sister to hug her. She hugs him back and laughs in surprise, “Love you too G”

_____

“Scar? Could you show me how to do the glamour thing? for when we meet Jimmy and Pearl tomorrow?” Grian picks at his hands, scratching at the green flakes of fungus and watches it fall into his lap. he doesn't feel comfortable looking like this all the time around them, and yes they love him and accept that this is a part of him now, but it's still a lot to get used to. It still unnerves them and they all, him included, need more time so he thinks looking human would help things be closer to normal.

After dinner, Scar and Grian went back into the forest to Scar’s house, racing the whole way there, Scar showing him how to be fae, how to run, run faster than any normal person could, leaping from rock to rock, tree to tree, and he felt free. Scar laughed at him when he ran straight into a low-hanging tree branch and helped him up, kissing him on the nose.

Grian never knew he could go that fast, never imagined running so fast and jumping so high that he felt like he was flying. At first, he doesn't believe Scar and thinks Scar is joking when he says he could. Scar then proved his point by running twenty yards away to pick a flower for Grian and came back, all in a matter of seconds.

Scar then dared Grian to try to go faster than him, saying that if he was too much of a wet cat to even try, then the superfluous imaginary crown would have to go to him. Scar smirked, knowing Grian would take the bait. He rolled his eyes so hard he feared he’d sprain something and took the bet, now determined to see Scar’s claim fall back on his ass. 

Grian, of course, had no chance of winning, so he cheated, pretending to fall knowing Scar would rush to help him. When he bent down to help him up, Grian yanked him down and jumped up, trying to run ahead to gain the lead but Scar grabbed his ankle, “ Oh no you don't!”

Grian tripped, yelping loudly. They pushed each other around playfully and when they finally reached the house, after spending more effort than necessary, they were covered in dirt, leaves, and an assortment of small bugs.

Before they left, Pearl had made them promise to come back tomorrow, so Scar arranged a dinner plan for all of them because he happened to know a very nice river not too deep in the woods

Scar hums, “Sure birdie” he shifts his body to face Grian. “the most difficult part is learning how to do it, once you’ve got the hang of it, you should be able to do just about anything, it does feed off your power, or energy, whatever you want to call it, but it's connected to your life source, which is why it's not healthy to try to hold a glamour for days or hold it for long periods of time back to back”

Scar moves his hand towards the necklace he gave Grian to aid him in the glamour, “trinkets like these look ordinary but they are a big help, especially for beginners.” He turns the small container in his fingers. “They help fae latch onto something while performing magic, much like potions, though, that's a whole different thing.'' Scar stops himself from branching off in a different direction.

He thinks for a moment looking up at the sky, probably trying to find the words to explain something that comes so easily to him, it's like teaching a child to walk, and Grian has to learn it all.

“First you have to picture in your head what you want to look like, what you want to change.” Scar looks at Grian and he pictures himself how he was before, round ears, no green on his skin, no claws…

“Now, the second part is the hardest part. hmm.” Scar scratches his neck for a moment, “It's hard to explain but I'll do my best. You have to connect to yourself? Nono, it's, well. You have to connect to your core, your power, and tap into that.”

Grian thinks he understands, it's like plugging your charger into the outlet but the first time you have to do it, you’re in the dark and you have to feel around for it. “Is it similar to the thing I do with the network? Where I see through their eyes?” Grian tries to understand.

“Maybe? I can't say for sure because I don't know what being able to do that feels like but let's say yes for now.” Scar snaps his fingers and taps them on his knees. Grian closes his eyes to focus, searching for the power he feels running through his veins.

He tries to follow where it leads but he can't find it. he and Scar sit there, on the ground for what feels like hours, and it probably is. Scar talking Grian through it, trying to help and Grian struggling to make any progress. This is different from his mushrooms, almost completely, the only similarity is the feeling of magic. Seeing through the mycelium grid was so much easier because it showed him when he asked, welcoming him in like an old friend. Mother Spore responded to him, but with this, he was all on his own.

The sun falls below the mountains as a warm day turns into a cool night. Scar goes in to grab a jacket for Grian and himself and continues to try to guide Grian on what to do. Scar even shows Grian how he does it a few times and he tries to replicate it, with no luck.

He nearly gives up several times but Scar keeps prodding him forward, saying he’s getting closer and that he just needs to practice to get the hang of it. Grian reluctantly tries again and again, because he does want to learn how to do this, especially if he wants to visit Pearl on his own.

He and Scar have sat in the same patch of grass for nearly six hours, he falls backward into the grass and lays down, “Scar, this isn't working,” he whines and huffs, wishing he weren't so impatient. 

Scar sighs, “I know it's hard. Let's take a break. I'll go grab some snacks.” Scar pecks Grian on the cheek and walks into the house. He rests his arms over his stomach and looks at the sky, at the stars, and wonders if he’ll also join them like Scar one day will.

He closes his eyes again and tries to follow the magic to its root, tracing over the pathways in his body with his mind. It's in his blood, it's a part of him, he just needs to find it. The mycelium in the ground seems to know where it is, latching on to his magic so he can see through their eyes, see what they see, so why can't he find it? It frustrates him to no end, but he won't stop till he at least figures one thing out.

The path twists and turns, painting a picture he can't see, he just needs to turn on the light. He digs his fingers into the ground and the network below responds to his call, wrapping gently around his fingers he sees what she sees, what Mother Spore sees and he thinks he finally understands why she’s called that. She watches over the forest, keeping things in balance, caring for the forest, cleaning up after it, and protecting it, like a mother should.

He tries to see what the mycelium latches onto, where in his core it fits, following the twists and turns, the loops and tangled pathways, show me, let me know what you know, he asks and repeats it in his mind. His ears twitch as he faintly hears Scar sit down next to him again, as quietly as he can, so as not to disturb him.

He’s found it, and it is hard to explain, it's more like a feeling than anything else, he can't physically see it but he can feel it. Grian remembers what Scar said, picture what you want to look like, he decides to choose one thing to start with. His hands.

He connects to the energy within him and draws it out, refocusing it on his hands, imagining the green fading away, claws receding into round fingertips and it feels like he just slipped on a tight rubber glove. He takes his hands from the ground and stares at them. They look like normal hands!

“There you go!” Scar says excitedly, snacks abandoned by his side as he leaps forward and squishes Grian’s face between his hands and kisses him, it's warm, a nice contrast to the cold air around him.  Grian stretches out his fingers, they’re short again, human-looking, it's… weird. it doesn't feel quite right. “I-I, I did it” a little flabbergasted, smiling and laughing as he stares back at Scar with wide eyes. Now that he knows what he’s looking for, now that he’s found it, he takes the glamour off and on again and it's like flipping a switch. He watches as his fingers melt into greens again then recede to pink cuticles and human-looking skin.

"Great stars love, I'm so proud of you,” Scar says and Grian smiles. “Do you want to see if you can do the full glamour or are you ready for bed?”

Grian considers his options and while sleep sounds absolutely fantastic right about now, not only because it's late but because of how tiering today was, talking to Pearl and Jimmy, all the fear and hurt words, and the crying, but he thinks he can do this and he isn't about to stop when he’s so close.

Grian steals Scar's granola bar and takes a bite from it, “I say we keep going, I'm doing this tonight. ” he grins.

“Alright,” Scar says, taking his snack back from Grian with faked annoyance and he rolls his eyes. “But we’re going to bed soon because I have something planned for tomorrow before we meet your family for dinner.”

“Oh, is that so?” Grian’s curious now, “What is it?” Scar just shakes his head refusing to say more he pokes Scar because he can't just say something like that without elaborating. Scar squirms away holding back laughs.

“You'll find out when we get there,” he playfully shoves Grian away, and he huffs in mild annoyance, ears flicking back in indignation because this is so unfair. 

“Fine, have your secrets,” he laughs, deciding that stealing Scar’s granola bar again would suffice as payback, for now...

He finally manages to pull off a full glamour after thirty more minutes of trial and error and somehow ending up with feathers halfway through the process making Scar roll around in the grass laughing hysterically, like a proper madman. Grian glared at him the entire time, trying to figure out a way to get rid of them and eventually figuring it out, but it was too late. The damage had already been done and Scar was never going to let him live this down. Grian, of course, blames Scar entirely for this for all the bird-like pet names he uses.

They both saunter into the kitchen as Scar makes a quick snack for the both of them before they sleep. Grian yawned, stretching his arms up. “Tired?” Scar asked

“Mmmmmm,” he stood up and walked to where Scar stood in the kitchen cleaning up their mess, leaning his head on Scar's back, wrapping his arms around Scar’s waist gently. Scar twists around and kisses Grian on the forehead, leaning his head on his partners. “Thank you.” Grian felt Scar lean into him more.

“Mmwelcome, now, let's go to bed.” Scar scooped up Grian in his arms. He set him down on the bed and took his place next to him, nestling in the blankets, layering them atop the two. Scar grabbed his hand and squeezed. Grian smiled in the dark and squeezed back. It meant I'm here, I love you, you're not alone, I see you. He brushed Scar’s hair away from his face, scratching at his scalp and finally resting his hand on Scar's cheek. He swiped his thumb across his face, smiling a little as Scar pulled him in closer. “Goodnight my love.”

_____

Grian jumps up and down on the tips of his toes, trying but inevitably failing, to contain his excitement. He waits impatiently by the door as Scar gathers up the food he prepared. Scar had agonized over what to make, desperately wanting to make things up to Pearl, and trying hard to get Jimmy's favor.

Grian’s mind wanders as he waits, drifting from place to place aimlessly and after a while, pausing to fixate on one thing. Scar’s house is nice, with big open rooms, soft couches, and the list goes on, each part of it made with precision and love.

Grian walks to the kitchen to bug Scar for the millionth time in the past ten minutes, “Say Scar, do all fae live in houses like this?” He can't imagine the woodland sprites all going out doing whatever they do, then coming back to a house at the end of it. He never really thought about it but it seems weird. 

Scar continues to load up the basket with pastries and drinks, finally finishing up packing. “No, not all, not in houses like this. ” Scar motions to the house around him. “This is more catered to humans because of my last partner,” Scar admits sadly, “Some fae live in the hollowed-out trees, others in caves, and some live in the water. Quite a few live in the castle and-”

“ There's a castle! ” Grian yells, “ And you haven't mentioned this before because?” Grian feels like he’s been plucked from his ordinary life and flung straight into a fantasy world. Why wasn't this the first thing that Scar told him, what does he mean by castle? Grian feels his mind imploding

“Well, yes? You really don’t know anything about the Fae” Scar laughs. Grian shakes his arm, curiosity eats him alive. “You just barely became connected to the forest, there's still so much for you to learn.” Scar lifts the food basket from the counter, and Grian follows him as he leads them to the place where they’ll meet Pearl and Jimmy.

Grian listens intently to what Scar’s saying, how much more to learn could there be, it's just a forest, right? The more he listens the more wrong he is.

Scar starts walking out the door and to the forest, Grian following close behind. “There are courts who preside over the seasons in the castle and then there are the monarchs who rule over the fae and keep everything in balance, and this is all explained in the most basic terms. This isn't even to mention their power or fairy rings or any of the other stuff that comes along with this.'' Scar chuckles when he sees the expression on Grian's face, the shock, awe, curiosity and so many other things. He has so many questions, there should be a crash course on being fae, that would be much appreciated and greatly informative.

“There are great celebrations at the solstices, everyone looks forward to them. Maybe one day I could take you?” Scar offers hesitantly. Grian thinks Scar’s underselling of how important these solstices are.

Grian takes his free hand, “I’d love to go.” Grian sees some of the tension in Scar's shoulders loosen. He wants to know what these dances are like, what other fae are like. He wants to know what the rest of his life is going to look like. “So, how does Mother Spore tie into all of this?”

“Well, she’s been here since the start, she isn’t a walking, talking being. The fae monarchs are in charge of keeping the forest alive and Mother Spore helps them, the spirit of the forest helps them. It's a sort of coexistence that I haven't seen replicated anywhere else.” Scar says, love of the forest clear in his voice, his tone.

Grian sees how much this forest means to Scar, how important it is, and how he and it care for each other but Grian’s caught between two worlds, and he doesn't want to choose between them, because one has his sister, and his best friend, but the other has Scar, and this place, and Mother Spore.

This place has fantastical things, things that Grian could have never imagined to be real, but it also has horrors, and because of that, he can barely look at himself in the mirror. He loves this place, the feeling of being connected to the life around him but it scares him because he misses his life where none of this was reality, where he lived in a bookshop with his sister and nothing weird or strange ever happened. He doesn't know what to think anymore.

“Us fae don't live in a society structured like the humans, ours is more centered around the life around us. Humans don't ever see the castle because it's..” Scar pieces the words together in his mind for a moment, “it's on a different plane of reality than this that we are transported to through fairy rings.”

Grian thinks his mind exploded. How is this real, surely Scar is messing with him. “ WHAT, Scar! This can't be real,” Grian shouts in disbelief and Scar laughs fondly and bumps into his side!

“I didn't want to overload you with information all at once, but yes, this is real, and I’d like to show you one day if you’d like that?” He looks down at Grian with wondering eyes.

Grian smiles, “Yeah, I think I would.”

They finally reach the river Scar had talked about and set up the picnic blanket, far enough away from the water so as not to get it muddy. Grian leans into Scar's side as they wait for Pearl and Jimmy to show up. He leans his head on his back and can hear the quiet tune he hums. It's confronting. It feels like home.

He absorbs the heat Scar radiates, wrapping his arms around Scar's waist, and holding him tight. The trees above him sway in time to the song Scar sings, it's strange at first, till Grian realizes that Scar is singing along to their song. It  does strange things to his head, makes him feel safer, and makes him feel like this moment couldn't get closer to perfect.

Pearl and Jimmy finally find them and yell at Grian and Scar. Scar quickly stops singing and it sends Grian's entire brain to a stop. He shakes his head, trying to screw it back into place, and stands to hug Pearl. She crushes his lungs and lets go shaking her hands out. “I missed you”

“I missed you too,” Grian swears if he starts crying again.., god. Jimmy spins him around and traps him in another hug. Grian holds him back just as tight. “I love you” Grian mutters, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Love you too G” Jimmy squeezes him a final time before letting go, Grian can hear the wobble in his voice as he gives him a sad smile, quickly shaking it away and replacing it with the familiar bouncy voice of his. “Now, let's eat?”

They all crowd around the blanket, knees pressed against one another as they squish together on the too-small blanket and it seems so right to him, his family laughing together, talking. He has everything he could ever want, all crammed into this one moment. It's too perfect to be real.

He and Jimmy wade around in the shallow water, carefully maneuvering over the rocks, chasing minnows and small bugs. Pearl and Scar are rambling about plants and such. They mess around in the warm glow of the afternoon sun, the light glints across the water shining in his eyes.

Grian takes a deep breath in, closing his eyes, listening to the sounds around him, the laughter of his friends, the birds singing, the leaves rustling in the breeze, and the sound of the forest's heartbeat. He wiggles his toes in the mud, between the rocks, he can feel the network of roots tangling together in a blanket that stretches for miles.

Grian’s jolted out of his mind as cold water is kicked at him, soaking his back. He shrieks and spins around, jaw hanging open and there is Jimmy, bent over laughing, leaning his hands on his knees. His eyes glint mischievously as he stares at Grian with a shit-eating grin.

“Oh, wow, really?” Grian scoffs, he crouches down, letting the water run through his fingers and watches as Jimmy hops from foot to foot.

“Yeah, whatcha gonna do, plant boy?” Jimmy taunts him, kicking water at him again, Grian quickly brings his hands to his face to protect himself from the attack. Jimmy turns on his heels and runs down the river away from Grian, each footstep crashing loudly. He turns to look at Scar and Pearl for a moment to see if they also see this shit. He instead is met with the sight of Pearl laughing at him as his now wet hair is sticking to his forehead and getting in his eyes. Scar only smiles fondly in that sweet way of his. Grian sticks his tongue out at Pearl and spins to chase Jimmy.

Grian knows he can catch up to Jimmy, able to run faster than any normal person could, jump higher, and go farther without tiring. Grian laughs at Jimmy's shock when he turns his head and sees Grian right behind him. Jimmy nearly trips as he scrambles to run faster, screeching when he comes crashing into him, dousing the both of them in the cold water. 

They laugh as they walk back to the blanket shivering. Grian bumps into Jimmy's side and knocks his head against Jimmy's arm, “thank you for staying.” 

Jimmy laughs in the back of his throat, “Ofcourse G.” 

_____

Somethings’ not right. Scar looks into the woods, someone’s watching them. His hairs stand on end as a cold breeze makes him shiver. He gently nudges Grian and whispers, “I'll be right back,” he pecks him on the cheek and stands up. Grian grumbles, whining in the back of his throat, clearly not wanting Scar to leave. He chuckles, knocking their heads together, “I'll be right back, I just need to check something out real quick,” he says softly.

Grian lets him stand up, “Oookay,” he drawls, turning to watch him leave. Scar doesn't want to go because things are finally getting better but something feels off. He hopes he’s wrong. Grian is finally smiling again, he’s laughing and he has Pearl and Jimmy by his side. 

Scar looks behind him for a moment before stepping into the forest. Pearl and Jimmy kick the shallow river water at each other, shrieking when the cold water hits them. They laugh as they mess around and somehow, this feels right. He's so glad Grian has them. He kind of wishes he had people like them throughout his life, though he can't complain when his isolation was his own fault.

He never let other people, not even other fae, though, he seemed to know half the forest, or rather, half the forest knew of him. Rumors about his business and scams waived their way into tall tales and while it was true that he could scam somebody out of their shoes, it's not like he went around doing that all the time. Only when he needed, or wanted something.

Scar steps out of the small clearing and into the trees. The fog and night sky make it easier than it normally is. The pale moonlight shimmers through the trees, dimly lighting his way. He looks up, but he can’t see the stars here; they're too close to the human town for the forest to truly work its magic.

He walks farther into the woods till he can barely hear Pearl, Jimmy, and Grians chatter. Twigs and leaves snap and crunch under his bare feet, he was never much one for shoes, most fae weren't, they had no need for them. The only thing shoes did was squish their feet and dull their connection to the earth.

A soft wind whistles through the branches and everything is calm for a moment but something in the back of his mind still screams at him that it's not right, and though that may seem like a shaky thing to base something off of, he’s rarely wrong. The calmness in the air shifts because everything is all of a sudden too quiet. The bugs stop their chirping and every sound stills like someone has placed a bubble over his head obscuring all sound, he gets the feeling that if he screamed for help right now, nobody would hear.

There's a loud crunch, on the ground where someone walks. He turns around, his heart rate picking up and wishes he didn't recognize them. He locks his emotions away, seamlessly slipping on the mask he’s curated over the centuries, “What a delight to see a familiar face, oh and a few new ones too,” Scar exclaimed as he comes face to face with the horrid fae he’d broken the jaw of just a few weeks before. “Looks like you're doing well, your face is looking good, but what’s it like under that glamour?” 

The foxglove fae spits at him and pins him with a glare that burns right through him. They have three friends with him and it's looking like it's going to be a fight, and normally this wouldn't worry Scar, but they’ve obviously prepared to fight him and caught him off guard, not to mention he’s outnumbered, and they’re angry .

“I’d watch your mouth if I were you” Foxglove hisses with disdain and Scar rolls his eyes, trying to rid himself of the panic edging in.If he can get himself out of this without fighting that would be preferable but they want revenge, and he doesn't think he can talk his way out of this one.

They creep closer to him, cornering him like an animal, like they’re the predators and he’s their prey, and they’re going to tear him limb from limb. They want to kill him . “You know, it's funny running into you here, I thought you’d learned your lesson the first time,” Scar shakes his hands out, cracking his knuckles, and stretches his neck. “Well,” he lowers his gaze to the fae, “let's get this over with shall we?” He lets the smile drop from his face and everything leaps into action.

Vines shoot from the ground, rising to meet him. He coils them around his arms and swings himself high in the air. The other fae spring into action, running toward him and summoning plants and insects of their own. Scar lands the first blow, letting the vines drop him down atop of one of them, he swings punch after punch at the fae resembling a beetle, with four arms. The extra arms prove difficult to fight against as he’s blocking twice as many hands but he manages. and yanks on the antenna near the base of their hair and yanks harshly. They shriek in pain and knock him loose with a kick to the stomach.

Scar pretends to double over and when they bring up a knee to knock him in the face he grabs hold of it and twists them around. He grabs onto the fae and spins them both out of the way of a different floral-based fae trying to get between them. He lifts his arm and snakes a vine around the flowery fae and yanks them backward, dragging them across the course ground and tying them to a tree.

He shoves the beetle to the ground to face Foxglove who charges full speed at him, flowers on their arms growing larger and rising. He knows to avoid them, not even fae are immune to the toxic plants. He grabs their arm as they swing at him and flips them on their back but that was a mistake. they latch onto his leg, tripping him as he tries to get away, making him lose focus of his vines, effectively releasing floral.

He curses at himself but if he continues to rely on the vines he’ll only tire himself out faster, and he needs to save his energy and not spend it all at the very beginning or he stands no chance. He hopes Grian stays far away from all this.

Scar tries to stand, using his vines to help him up, narrowly avoiding a knock to the back of the skull. He uses the vines to pick up out of reach of foxglove, floral following quickly behind them and beetle’s pushing themselves out of the mud. one, two, three, he counts, wait, that's wrong where. 

“Gotcha” the fourth fae leaps from a tree branch and tackles him to the ground. They resemble a praying mantis with sharp tusks and in place of hands, they have two sharp blades that swipe at him. He hits the ground, jarring his body as he lands in the dirt that is far from soft. He brings his legs to his chest and kicks the mantis off him. They swipe at him angrily as he shoves them away, managing to cut his leg. He chokes back a cry of pain as tears well up in his eyes.

His back yells at him as he rolls out of the way as plants that aren't his own threaten to surround him. They are mad, and he thinks he understands it, because if he heard of someone hurting Grian he would stop at nothing to tear them apart and these must be Foxgloves friends, but THEY hurt Grian first. If anything they deserved more than a broken jaw.

He's tiring quickly, the role that comes with fighting and blocking all four of them at once, he doesn't know how long he can hold them off. He doesn't really care what they do to him but if they’ve been watching him then they’ve seen who he’s been with. They can get to Grian and Pearl and Jimmy, and he can't let that happen, not again, never again. 

Giant beetles buzz all around his head and he swats at them uselessly, they crawl in his hair, trying to burrow into his skin. He rolls them off and uses giant leaves to trap them. They buzz like angry wasps underneath it. Scar drags them under the dirt, keeping most of them out of his hair, and his way, yanking a few from where they dug themselves into his arms.

He goes on the defensive, trying to conserve energy, block, dodge, dodge, get out, his brain falls into a rhythm and he learns when to punch, wait for an opening, wait for it, dodge, wait… mantis swipes at his face and he ducks and leans forward, grabbing her arm and twisting it, making her fall and uses her momentum to propel her claw into the back of the floral fae.

Each minute passed adds to his opponent's anger as he slips out of the way and has more lucky shots than any of them, which is a bit ironic since he always seems to have terrible luck in everyday things, dropping plates, accidentally causing explosions, and nearly walking off cliffs.

He backs away from them, he has to get out of here, he has to get back to Grian, he promised Grian he wouldn't leave him but, he's not so sure he can keep that promise anymore. He wipes the sweat from his eyes, his options are quickly running out. They all have more stamina than him and he’s overpowered and outnumbered, he can't do this alone but there's no one to help him, he’s by himself.

Scar has one last idea. If he can pull together the rest of his strength and take out all of them in one big blow he should be able to get back to Grian and get out of here. He needs a little time though. 

____

Grian turns to look at the trees behind him where Scar left. he’s been gone a while, unease twists his insides, scar should be back by now, where is he. he messes with the mushrooms under his fingers, bouncing them while he waits, 

he wonders if… could he? no, spying isn't good and Scar deserves his privacy, Grian knows this and would never want to overstep his boundaries. but he’s getting scared. S DEVIG ME MUMS CAR car doesn't usually leave this long, being clingy, and stupid, he’s fine. 

He waits a minute, then a minute more, trying not to stare at the treeline, augh, he can't stand it, he just needs to make sure that he’s okay, and then he’ll leave it be. 

Grian digs his fingers into the dirt and lets the mycelium wrap around his fingers, flashes of the forest run through his mind and it's a little overwhelming at first but he’s done this before, he knows what to do, just focus, breathe. 

Pearl and Jimmy turn to stare at him, “Hey G, you okay?” Pearl yells. He doesn't answer, too absorbed in what he’s doing to form a coherent response. flashes of greens and browns, trees, mountains, flowers, bugs, rivers, lakes. Scar, where’s Scar, he searches the forest nearby. 

I am yours, you are mine, we are one in the same, let me see what you see. He speaks his mind, and they respond. They show him what he wants to see, what he’s searching for, and he would be excited because he actually did it this time, but Scar's not alone.

Foxglove is there, and there are others, and Scar is in trouble. He jumps up and looks at Pearl and Jimmy, “I-.. Scar’s in trouble” he blurts and turns to the forest, he has to get to Scar, to help him.

Pearl runs after him grabbing his arm, “ Grian, you aren’t going alone,” he sees it in her eyes what she really means because the last time he ran into the woods, he didn't come back. he doesn't want to put Pearl or Jimmy in danger but knowing how stubborn they can be he doesn't have a choice.

“Okay fine, come with me, but we have to go now,”  he runs, and they follow.

_____

Scar laughs, trying to buy himself time, “How can the four of you not catch me, honestly, I thought you guys were going to be a lot more difficult,” he gathers his energy, feels it bubbling at his fingertips, feels the roots and the trees and the plants around him breathing, he breathes with them, tuning himself into their frequency.

foxglove joins in on the laughing, reaching into their bag, “oh no, you silly silly sprout.” they trill, voice echoing through his ringing mind. “we’re just, getting, started,” they give him a devilish toothy grin, yellow teeth smiling at him as they've finally got him where they want him.

They pull out an iron knife, the handle of the blade carefully wrapped in fine leather so as not to burn them. his blood runs cold, he’s been stabbed a few times before but that was nothing like the touch of the icy iron blade. not only did getting stabbed hurt but when the blade was made of iron it's like someone has dug out your insides and shoved the coldest ice down it, it burns, worse than any pain he’s ever felt, melting and freezing a fae at the same time creating what is quite possibly, the deadliest weapon to the fae.

It's now or never, he summons the strength he has, giant vines claw out of the ground ensnaring the fae, and they try desperately to squirm away. He feels the blade cut through his vines, he feels the mantis tear them apart, sawing at them with her claws. it feels like the ghost of pain as it should hurt, but it doesn't, he still feels it though.

His head pounds as he tangles the clump of fae together in a writhing mass of bodies and plants. He thinks he’s finally got them, it is finally over. He nearly lets himself relax, wanting so badly to sink to the ground and sleep. He's exhausted, so tired . 

Something explodes and the lump of vines rips open, splattering scraps of plant matter everywhere, it sprays on his face, painful stinging where it hits him like shrapnel. They all climb out of the mess of vines carefully, bruised and beat up, ragged and tired but they know they’ve won now. A dark liquid leaks from Foxglove’s bag, running down their side and dripping on the floor, potions. They have potions. He never even stood a chance. 

He runs. 

laughter echoes after him, twisting around him like smoke, it echoes and stutters like a broken record, playing the tune of his merry death. their shadows follow him. something lands hard on his back knocking him to the ground. they flip him over and smile, eyes crazed with victory, with adrenaline and power. Scar's breath hitches, he hasn't been this genuinely scared in decades, his entire body shakes and he’s pinned to place. He can't escape now. “Oh, I've got you rattled, what’s it like being utterly helpless for the first time in your terrible life, hmm?”

They have no idea what they’re talking about, he feels the memory of the fire burn, the flames licking his skin, singing his hair, trying to eat him alive, the screams of his family echo in his mind, it's like he’s back there, stuck, helpless, burning, dying.

They laugh raising their arms, blades in hand and crash down into Scar’s side and drag down, slowly. His vision goes white with hot icy pain, it burns, it hurts, and it's eating at his flesh, devouring it like a hungry wolf. He screams and they cackle with delight.

Scar yanks his arm away from the fae pinning it down and shoves the foxglove off him while he can still think. the last of his vines surround the other fae, too weak to hold them for long but strong enough to stop them for a few seconds, he doesn't know where he mustered the strength together to do that but he doesn't care. He snatches the blade and throws it as far as he can onto the ground. He twists his hand and watches as the glint of the blade disappears into the ground as a vine pulls it under.

foxglove tears free and yells at him, kicking him in the side making his vision blackout as he curls in on himself, warm blood covering him. He's going to die. I'm so sorry.

A sound in the distance makes all the fae snap their heads up, they go deathly still. Scar thinks he sees the ghost of a smile twitch on foxgloves face. Scar strains his ears, clearly not hearing what they can, till.. yelling, loud footsteps running towards them. . 

foxglove runs the other way, surprising Scar, and their friends follow, leaving Scar a bloody broken mess. He can't understand why though. It makes no sense, his muddled brain is no help, he just knows this isn't good. Why didn't they just kill him?

Three short figures run into view, shrouded by shadows, Grian. When Grian sees him his eyes grow wide in horror, he’s terrified. Scar wants to tell Grian to run the other way, to get out but he can't help the relief that fills him when he sees Grian. He cries.

_____

Grian runs to Scar, no scar, what happened, what did you get yourself into? He kneels next to his partner, his partner who is dying, and sobs.

“ Pearl, HELP ME,” Grian screams as Scar bleeds out in his arms, he hiccups in pain trying to reach his hand up to Grian's face, cupping it gently with trembling fingers. “ Nonono NONO, Pearl HELP, ” Grian cries trying to lift Scar, trying to help but stops quickly when he moans in pain. 

Scar traces gentle fingers across his face, wiping his tears away. Grian feels the smear of blood across his face, he wishes it was his own. “D-don't cry b-birddie, I-I'm oka-ay, but, you h-have to get out of h-ere,” Scar whispers as he pulls Grian's face close to his, bonking their foreheads together. He tries to smile at Grian but only winces at the effort.

Scar's eyes flick close for a moment, and he feels Scar almost going limp like a doll, Grian frantically tries to wake him. He's not sure he will wake up again if he sleeps now.

“Nonono, I'm not leaving. Nonno scar, don't you dare fucking die on me,” Grian pleads, “i-i can't lose you, you promised” he cries, and it sounds so broken, it hurts too much, Grian wipes Scar’s hair out of his face and tucks it behind scars ear. “It's gonna be okay, I love you so much, please, stay awake for me okay starlight?”

Scar tries to speak but all that comes through is a warbled mumble as he coughs up blood. Grian's heart breaks because that's his person, his partner, in pain, and he wasn't there to protect him. Why couldn't this have happened to him, why did Scar have to get hurt, this is all so unfair.

Grian’s blood runs cold as he hears a familiar voice trill in giddy delight, the shadows of the trees crawl around him, writhing around like festering maggots. “How sweet, his little human pet came back to play?” The fae’s voice echoes around Grian, ringing loudly in his ears. Scar hisses at them trying to sit up to fight but falls back into Grian’s arms uselessly, biting back a cry, tears pricking the edges of his eyes.

“you, hmmm, feel different now” they laugh, “what? did the forest rot your tongue or just your spirits?" Grian turns around to face his living nightmare but instead sees Pearl running as fast as she can toward the foxglove face with a large stick. She swings it and cracks it over their head. They whip around with an angry cry.

Grian hears crashing as Pearl is flung to the ground next to Jimmy, Grian screams out uselessly, “Pearl, NO!” She could be dead, they hurt hu,THEY HURT HER. Come on Pearl, get up, get up, please. Grian’s heart races in his chest. He yells, that's his sister, his little sister and they hurt her. Pearl stays limp on the ground, her hair tangled around her as Jimmy shakes her desperately. Cold fear curls around his heart, seeping into his blood, his bones like ice, like freezing waters.

The foxglove fae and its horrid friends slowly stalk closer to Grian, laughing as he tries to stumble away, clinging to Scar like his life depends on it. Their eyes glow hungry as they surround him. He's outnumbered, four to one, he feels trapped and hopeless as they loom over him. Tiny mushrooms grow around his legs, sprouting in between where his fingers are dug into the dirt, responding to his silent call for help. they curl around his fingers like a reminder, we’re here for you.

call upon them and they will listen. they are yours, you are theirs.

Foxglove makes the first terrible move, shoving Grian away with one swift kick, Grian's heart wrenches as he's forced away from Scar, don't take him, DON'T TAKE HIM FROM ME. Grian’s mind screams as they step on Scar's chest, forcing all the air from his lover's lungs. Scar wails in agony as they stomp down on the gaping wound in his side. Scar screams in pain, crying, and Grian loses all control.

Grian screeches in pain as his body painfully contorts, falling out of the glamour that made him look human. Long sharp claws burst from his fingers as all his limbs stretch out to their true length, he lets his ears grow pointed and watches as the soft pink of his flesh morphs into bright greens and searing oranges that glow in the night. “ LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Grian screams as he lunges towards Foxglove, stunning them. One of their friends swipes at him with lime green blades for hands. Tall mushrooms burst from the ground at his command, taller than any he’s made before, taller than himself, knocking the fae against a sap-covered tree.

Anger boils his blood, he hates them, HATES THEM, How dare they hurt Scar, how dare they hurt Pearl, he would make them pay, he wants to make them hurt worse than they ever have before.

The mushroom pushes the fae against the rough bark of the tree, he makes it squash them, harder, harder. They gasp for air, pleading for him to stop but he doesn't care, he can barely hear them through the pounding in his head. He pushes harder than he ever has before, straining himself. He sways on his feet and gives one final push. a loud wet crack, then nothing. Their howls of torture ring through the forest like church bells till there is silence. 

He would make them regret hurting his sister, his best friend, and his lover. They would remember the day they crossed him, he would tear them to shreds, he would feel no remorse, they aren't worth the energy to mourn.

Grian tackles foxglove fae to the ground as they stood there gaping at their friend's lifeless body, watching as their blood oozed out from where they lay pinned to the tree, ribs poking out of places they shouldn’t. They shriek as they block Grian's punches, “ How DARE YOU , pathetic human, I will RUIN you Grian'' they sneer in contentment, spit flying in Grian's face, their poisonous breath making his head spin and colours spike his vision.

Grian’s head hazes over for a second before he shakes it off but not in time to stop the crack of a sweeping punch to his face. Pain burst out in a spiral where they landed a blow, but it didn't slow him, it only made him angrier. Grian snarls as he spits the blood from his mouth, watching as one of his sharp teeth land on the ground before he leaps up, slingshotting himself in the air with thick swirling vines made of a plant he doesn't recognize. He lands atop the fae as he tells his plants to wrap around them, around their arms, legs, throats . The vines twist around them, coiling tighter and tighter, trapping the fae who ruined his life

Mushrooms sprout out of their arms and legs, he can feel the fae’s pain. He will make them hurt like he hurt, and worse. He's never felt angrier than he has now, it runs through his veins like fire, like boiling water. his arms and legs shake because he’s never used his newfound abilities so much, it hurts, every command making him feel sick like his head’s going to explode.

 till they can all hear a loud crack of bone. Their screams are muffled as Grian holds their face tightly in his hand, “I tire of your mind games. You don't mess with my head anymore,” he spits forcefully, glaring down at them with hatred. He's never hated anyone or anything as deeply as he hates this thing.

The fae’s two other friends seem to remember themselves and spring to motion and Grian only smiles knowing they’re too late. Grian orders the plants around him to surround the unwanted intruders and they obey him, snarling them up in something that's not quite natural, it has a bit of a twist to it. The spores coming from them make the fae cough.

Their minds haze over, and Grian can see the fear on their faces when they realize their mistakes. He laughs as they try to squirm away from it, from him , but there's nowhere they can go, their terror brings Grian twisted excitement as adrenaline courses through his blood, rushing to his head.

The foxglove fae swears at him from where they’re trapped. Grian snaps his head at them, staring them straight on. they go deathly silent like they know what he’s about to do. He grins in cruel glee when the fungi sprouts out their mouth, muffling their screaming, filling their lungs, and drowning them. 

He watched as their body bloated, as it expanded, and doesn’t flinch when they tried to reach for him, crying out in broken pleas for help. He feels no remorse because they would have done worse to Scar if given the time. Their faces explode outward as colorful mushrooms overrun them. They glow in the dimming light, only growing brighter with his growing fear and anger.Grian takes a step back as the vines explode from the fae’s stomach, he watches their hand go limp.

and then they’re gone. Just like that, poof, dead. He contains the shakes in his body, never letting them see how much it takes him to stand upright. everything hurts, he’s exhausted. black edges the corners of his vision, threatening to take over.

“I hope this goes as a lesson to all of you,” he pauses, staring, wide-eyed and crazed at the two of them. They stare as his gaze lands on them, pinned to the spot like bugs pinned to a display board. “Don't mess with me or my family.” He grins, bearing all his teeth, bright red eyes open wide, as if to absorb their terror.

He snakes the mushrooms around his arms, they reach towards him like he is the sun and for a moment he is a burning ball of pure rage, threatening to combust. He raises his arm to the sky swings it down and watches as the mycelium spreads across the ground, reaching towards the feet of the two remaining faces, effectively scaring them. The roots climb into them, crawling through the skin on their heels, burrowing into them like a parasite.

“If you ever speak my name again, if you ever touch my family, I will rip your jaw from its socket and do far worse than what I've done to your pitiful friends, and that is a promise.” he motions to the fae below his feet, their insides erupted like a volcano, scattered around the damp forest floor as if to prove that he means what he says. “You have no idea what I'm capable of,” Grian laughs. “Let me make a deal with you,” he hums, taking pride in the way their bodies tremble in fear, it was selcouth.

He jerks his arm up, making the corpse of the foxglove fae twitch and stand to its feet. He laughs because it's ironic, how they’re his puppet now. He watches the fae’s expression dissolve into pure horror, the exact reaction he hoped for.

He strings the corpse along and makes it walk towards its former friends, it makes his skin itch and crawl but he doesn't care. The fae tries to back away, to hide from death staring them in the eyes, horror, disgust, fear, they smell of it . a trail of guts and bones drags behind them in a terrible squishing sound that makes him want to vomit.

Grian stomps towards them, nearly falling with each step, stars give me strength, he prays. He focuses on keeping his composure, not letting himself falter or show weakness, though his body protests, wanting to drag him to the ground and make him stop, it wants to drag him back to the dirt, to the earth, back to Mother Spore, back to nothingness. His bones ache, every step sending sharp jolts of pain coursing through his entire body.

he grins wickedly, the mushroom corpse listening to his every command, tormenting the fae like he was tormented, with ghosts of someone they used to know, dark blood dripping from it. He knows the steps to this dance, he learned them the hard way. “You never speak my name, never speak my sister, my friend, or my lover's names again. you leave us alone for the rest of your terrible existence,” he scowled, “if you break these rules or ever seek me out, whether that be by yourself or calling someone or something else to find us..” he pauses, letting the tension grow.

“the spores in your bloodstream, in your lungs, and the mycelium that is currently weaving its way through your body, into your bones” he sees the moment they know they are truly fucked. “it will overrun you, controlling your body, slowly eating away at it. you won't die, but you’ll wish you could.” 

the connection he has to the fungi growing in their bodies locks into place, absorbing his words. it will know if they break this deal even if he doesn't. “You make this deal with me, and I let you live. refuse, and I will kill you.” he tilts his head, he is bluffing, he doesn't think he has the energy to take out two more fae, he can barely keep himself upright and prays on every star in the sky  that they take the deal.

They look at one another then back at him, “deal” they say one after another, not much consideration is needed since their options are limited. Grian smiles, trying desperately to keep himself steady, to keep from collapsing. 

They hastily agree and scramble away as Grian releases them. He waits till he can no longer see their shadows or hear their footsteps and he collapses to the floor. He looks up at Jimmy who stares back at him, something glints in his eyes, a mixture of fear and awe. Grian can't bear it because the last thing he wants is for his best friend to be scared of him, to look at him like the monster he is. After all, there's no denying it now, he is a monster, a murderer, but you have to be to survive in the forest and that's something he’s finally starting to accept because maybe being what others deem as a monster isn't so bad when he can protect the ones he loves.

Pearl is leaning on him, staring at him in confusion, she probably has a concussion, have to get her to a hospital, have to get her safe, she's hurt. Scar. SCAR’S HURT!  His mind whirls as he spins back to face scar and chokes on a sob caught in his ribs. Blood covers him, seeping out of him onto the forest floor, the dirt  soaking it up.

He collapses next to Scar, clawing his way to his crumpled form, and nearly cries when Scar looks at him. Grian presses frantic kisses to his face, crying because he almost lost Scar, they both could have died. his sister, his friend almost did. “ I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you, d-don't die on m-mme” he chokes out through kisses.

Scar’s shaking hands come up to cup his cheeks, “oh birdie,” he whispers lightly, “i-i am s-so proud of you” Scar takes a second to catch his breath, “I know t-that wasn't easy f-for you and I'm so s-sorry you had t-to do that” Scar apologise with tears in his eyes.

Grian laughs with a sob caught in his throat, he makes a strangled sound, “It wasn't hard, I’d do it all again just to keep you safe,” he swears, meaning every word. Tears fell down his face, lading on Scar. He reaches up and tangles his hands in Grian’s outgrown hair, pulling Grian’s face close, and kissing him gently. “we have to get you to a hospital,” Grian panics because how could they get to the hospital in time? He can't let Scar die, I love you, to the stars and back, don't give up on me now, I need you. S car nods, seeming to understand all the unspoken words in between.

“Jimmy” Grian calls out in the dark, “we have to get these two to a hospital, how far away is your car?” Grian takes his shirt and ties it around the Scar’s torso, putting pressure on the wound and attempting to stop the bleeding.

Grian carefully lifts the scar in his arms, nearly buckling over from sheer exhaustion. his legs wobble and creek. He pushed himself too far this time, he nearly passed out as he stood up. Grian keens in the back of his throat as Scar hisses in pain. “sorry love, sorry”. Scar only whines in a high-pitched tone, voice warbling as his eyes squeeze shut.

Jimmy helps Pearl to her feet, catching her as she stumbles, “Not too far, I parked by the treeline.” he stares at Grian, clearly lost, not knowing which way to go.

Grian presses the heels of his feed deeper in the ground, tell me which way to go, I need you, he connects himself to the mycelium grid, the network under their feet, and Mother Spore responds. it fills him with momentary hope, maybe they can get there in time. she cares for him, as a mother should, and she answers when he asks her to help. she protects her own, they are one in the same.  “this way.'' He starts walking, making sure Jimmy and Pearl follow him as he jogs, slow enough for Pearl and Jimmy to keep up but faster than walking because they don't have time . 

Scar tries to bite back his cries of pain, Grian knows just how much every jump hurts, he can imagine how scar feels, every time Grian's foot hits the ground it bounces scar, tearing at his wound and Grian wishes once again that he could take scars pain. “I'm sorry love, so sorry, just hold on” he mutters a string of comforts hoping Scar can hear him.

Every step he takes sends pain ricocheting up his body, reverberating in his skull, it hurts so much but he can't stop because he could lose Scar. he refuses to be stuck in this forest alone. he can't be alone again. he feels like he’s trapped on a boat in the middle of the roaring ocean, rowing desperately to get to a safer shore, even though his body aches and his hands are blistered.

the wind howls in his ears, roaring like an angry wolf. His mouth is dry and his lungs hurt, but they're running out of time. Everything echoes in his mind, the screams, the pain he caused, there is blood on his hands but all he cares about is Scar. The blood seeps through Grian’s makeshift bandage, dripping down his hands, fear spikes his senses making him push forward when everything in him screams at him to stop.

The trees finally break and there's Jimmy's car, Grian wants to cry in relief but while they may be out of the woods, the race isn't over yet. Jimmy and Pearl run to the car, overtaking Grian. Jimmy digs his keys out and unlocks it, jumping into the driver's seat. He's more fit to drive than anyone else. Pearl clambers into the passenger seat, eyes hazed over and disorientedly looks around, only recognizing the fear on Grian's face, making her panic as well. “g-Grian?”

 “we’re gonna be okay Pearl,” he tries to comfort but she’s already crying. He lays scar down on the back row of chairs and hops in,  scars head up on his lap. As soon as he shuts the door shut behind him Jimmy steps on the, barrelling down the road at speeds far too fast to be legal.

Jimmy hits a pothole that makes them all jump. scar makes a pained noise, bringing his hand to his side, and mumbling incoherent words. Pearl holds her head in her hands, saying it hurts, repeating the same few words till her muttering dissolves, downed out by the humm of the car.

“Grian! I don't know where the hospital is!” Jimmy screeches heading into town. Grian yells out directions, hoping and praying on every star that they are right because if he’s wrong, he’ll have doomed Scar.

He looks down at his lover, his person. Scar tries to smile at him but it only comes out as a grimace. Grian squeezes his hand to remind himself that Scar is still here, that he still has some time. Scar is too weak to glamour so Grian will have to muster up the energy to perform it.

something in him snaps and like that, it's gone, his connection to the forest. He's left the grid and now he’s alone, ripped away from him so suddenly it leaves him gasping for air. “ Grian, are you okay?!” Jimmy yells, frightened. Grian nods trying to compose himself. swallowing a lump full of heavy air.

everything goes by in a  mess, each turn making his head swim, making his brain hurt. his hands shake so badly and he can't stop it. He needs to get a grip because Jimmy needs directions and Pearl and Scar need a doctor. something warm grabs onto his hand, weakly tugging at his fingers. Scar grabbed hold of his hand and held on as tight as he could, desperately trying to comfort Grian the only way he could.

Grian wants to smile at him but he can't bring himself to do that because when he looks at the scar again he’s reminded of just how bad it is. He kisses the scar on the forehead, “We’re gonna get you help love, okay? so just, hang on, a little bit longer.”

Grian can feel the faintest squeeze of his hand and that's answer enough for him. 

he yells out the last of the directions. Jimmy parks in front of the emergency room sloppily and tells Pearl to stay in the car. He walked around the back to help Grian lift the scar out of the car. Grian pulls the little strength he has into a glamour for Scar and himself. He's only able to make himself shorter and make his ears round again but his skin underneath his clothes remains that now familiar splotchy green and orange.

Jimmy takes most of Scar’s weight as Grian trips, his head spins around like he’s drunk and he pukes on the sidewalk. They burst into the ER, Jimmy taking the lead and Grian following because he can barely tell where he is anymore. “ HELP US, WE NEED HELP, HE’S BLEEDING OUT!'' Jimmy screams, scaring everyone else in the busy room, Scar’s blood drips on the white tile floor leaving a trail behind him.

Grian makes eye contact with a little kid cradling his arm, it's probably broken, he tries to smile, hoping not to further traumatize the child but he can do little to stop them from seeing how Scar is. The kid only looks horrified and scared.

Doctors, or nurses, he doesn't know, people who can help them come rushing to them and take Scar. As soon as he’s not holding a Scar up, he collapses to his feet and all reality snaps like a twig. He falls to the floor.

_____

A loud slap sounds behind him and he turns to find Grian collapsed on the ground. more nurses rush in making his head spin. Jimmy watches as they haul Grian through the swinging doors and load him on a bed, rolling him away along with Scar.

Someone is asking him questions, and they try to get him to focus, “are you hurt?” they ask.

His mouth is dry and his throat is scratchy. his mind tries to wrap itself around what’s just happened, it all happened so fast that he didn't have time to process it. “I'm fine but my other friend is still in the car, she may have a concussion.” he looks at Grian dazed, adrenaline still pumping through his body.

He runs back to the car and they follow him. He opens Pearl's door, and she looks terrified, “where are we? Where's Grian?” she asks frantically as he helps her step out of the car. one of the nurses plops her down in a wheelchair, wiping some of the blood from her face.

"What do you remember?” the nurse asks as she wheels Pearl into the emergency room. Jimmy has to run to keep up. She turns back to look at him with wide eyes. He shakes his head, no, lie, they won't understand, he pleads. if Pearl starts spouting some nonsense about the fae and magic mushrooms they’re going to, in the best-case scenario, think she did a ton of drugs, or, worst case, think she’s insane. 

He hopes Pearl will understand what he means. The nurse wheels her through the back doors and Jimmy tries to follow but someone stops him. “you can't go back there”

“B-but my friends, I” he sputters but their resolve doesn't break, “All My friends are back there, I need to see them!” he panics, he needs to know they’re okay, he can't be left back here while they could be dying, Grian looked terrible and Pearl was so disoriented she had no idea what was going on most of the time. The whole ride over she was mumbling something and crying. he needed to make sure they were okay, and that's not even to mention Grian’s partner who seemed like a decent guy. He, HAD A GAPING OPEN WOUND IN HIS SIDE.

Jimmy doesn't care about rules right now and shoves past her, it doesn't matter if he gets in trouble, he has to be with at least one of them right now. he runs, searching for Pearl, and he stops one of the people in the hallway, “did you see a girl in a wheelchair back here, do you know where she went?” he blurts out, startling the stranger.

They look at him, the fear written across his cafe spurring them to speak, “Uhh, yeah, that way” They point down the hallway and tell him to turn left. the nurse at the door and a few others yell as they've spotted him and he books it. he sprints and turns, then dips into a random room and hides. He hears them yelling at one another searching for him. his heart beats along to the fastest song ever.

He freezes when he sees a little boy on the hospital bed with a splint on one arm and a bandage wrapping around one of his eyes, holding an ice pack in her hand. “don't tell on me” he stares at him wide-eyed, never being more scared of a child then at this moment.

He smiles with a toothy grin, a couple of teeth missing, and gives Jimmy a thumbs up, “You got it bossman”. Jimmy smiles back at him and peeks out the window in the door, he thinks they’re gone now. “thanks kid” he grins and slips out the door.

He checks every room in that hallway till he finally finds Pearl. The nurse from before is still there and looks surprised to see him. “Pearl” he huffs, out of breath, “are you okay?” he asks, relieved he’s found her, trying to fight off a panic attack now that he’s not in immediate danger. He needs to remember to breathe. Pearl is okay and the doctors are taking care of Grian.

“I'm ok, but I don't know where Grian is.'' She tries to stop her sobs but she can't. The nurse stands back to let Jimmy walk to her.

He holds her hands trying to give some form of comfort, “he’s with the doctors, he’s getting help, he’ll be fine” not sure if he’s saying it to reassure Pearl or himself, at this point, it's for the both of them, they’re both terrified. he just wants to go home and curl up in bed. He wants everything to be like it was before all this happened before Grian disappeared.

Grian had changed so much, he came out of the forest with eyes that seemed like they’d seen a lifetime of horrors, and he had. His best friend wasn't even human anymore and he just killed other people, fae. And he didn't just kill them, he made it hurt. He wonders if Grian has always had all that pent-up anger or if the forest changed him. Something had changed within his friend so astronomically. nothing would ever be the same again.

Don't get him wrong, Jimmy still loves Grian so much, Grian was practically his brother, he would always stick by his side, and this would just take some time to get used to. this was something he could have never seen coming, not in a billion years, not ever.

Jimmy lets the nurse finish up making sure Pearl is okay and then she checks Jimmy, fighting off the other nurses so she can do her job. Jimmy mouths a silent, thank you, to her and she smiles and nods.

_____

Pearl has a concussion but she’s okay enough to go home. They cleaned off the blood dripping from her head and told Jimmy to keep an eye on her and whatnot, all the stuff you’re supposed to do when someone has a concussion. Jimmy fills the paperwork out for Pearl and Grian but he doesn't know what to do for Scar. He doubts he has any record of human life. He's too tired to deal with it now.

The nurses told them they could stay in the waiting room but needed all the rooms they could get because tonight was busy. Pearl and Jimmy sat in the chairs, the bright lights above them too bright. Jimmy sighs, closing his eyes and tipping his head back.

The floor is clean. too clean, the stain of blood so easily wiped from it. like it never happened. He wonders how many horrors these walls have seen, how many people died here.

The two of them sit in the waiting room, watching the door restlessly for someone to walk through and tell them Grian’s okay. his mind is numb, he doesn't know what to feel right now, he just knows he’s scared he’ll lose his best friend.

_____

The lights are too bright as he cracks his eyes open. He doesn't feel like he can move, his limbs feel bolted to the bed. his head spins as he rolls his head to the side, trying to see where he is. What happened? 

His fingers twitch and it sends pain shooting up his arm. He's cold, he shivers, making him want to curl up on himself. He forces himself to wake up more but the black spots in his vision seem to have a different idea.

it hurts, everything hurts, why does it hurt? He needs someone to make it stop. he can't think , when he tries it's like trying to pick up a rock from the bottom of the lake, one specific rock, and discovering you can't find it. he needs to get up, get up, get up, but he can't move, why can't he move? trapped, trapped lost again, going to die, SOMEBODY HELP!

He shakes, wishing the terrors would pass because it burns, burns like acid in his stomach. why can't he see, everything is dark, dark, everything is gone. His eyes are closed, why? he opens them, and the light once again blasts in his face painfully. He squints as his eyes adjust and he doesn't understand what he’s seeing.

white walls, tile floor. white and blue. yellow fluorescent lights buzz loudly on the ceiling. where is he? Where is… where is Scar? his heart drops and he forces himself up, sitting up with too much force, flipping him out of the bed, landing him on the hard floor, rattling his mind, sending shockwaves of rolling pain across his entire body, into places he wasn't sure could hurt. his whole body burns. Why does it hurt, why is he on the floor?

He stares at the cold floor beneath him, little specks of blue and red are flaked in each tile. little dots of red… red blood, soaking his clothes, staining them. it falls to the white floor, standing out harshly in the bright room, plip… plip..plip. red like poppies and he can't get the image out of his mind.

it's everywhere, on his hands, his clothes. It paints his mind turning it into a slaughterhouse.

There's a sour taste in his mouth, his throat burns and his stomach twists itself into knots. He mumbles in pain but he needs to get out of here. He has to find Pearl, he has to find Scar. they could be in trouble.

Where is he?

The arm of his sleeve is torn revealing his blotchy skin. He runs his finger along it, green like the forest, green like Scar’s eyes. scar, SCAR, he has to find Scar, he's dying he needs to keep him safe, he can't lose him.

he pulls himself from the floor, leaning on the bed, why is there a bed? why is- where is h-. a hospital. He's in the hospital. He made it. But where was Scar? he had to find him. He takes one shaky step forward, then another and another till he is nearly at the door. He trips on the IV cord connected to his arm, the one he hadn’t even noticed till that second when he found himself on the ground again.

 His brain descends into a heavy fog that infiltrates every crack in his fractured brain, and his vision blurs as he zones out for he doesn't even know how long, all he knows is he’s scared, and everything hurts, and he's alone.

he’s so tired, and everything hurts, it aches. He leans on his arm trying not to pass out. maybe he’ll just lay down for a second, he just needs to rest. He’s so tired…

_____

Someone is shaking him, where is he? Why is he on the floor? the person shaking him sits him up and his head reels, neck flopping backward, unable to stay up on its own. his body is cold, it prickles his skin uncomfortably. his head lulls to the side as he tries to see who has him.

His face hurts, and his eye stings from where he was hit. He’s sure he’ll find bruises speckled across his body in the morning. 

A stranger in a familiar uniform, oh yeah, hospital. “iii havto fiiind Scar,” he slurs, he can't leave Scar alone at this place, he needs to make sure the glamour holds, the glamour, he checks his hands frantically and he thanks the stars when he sees pink flesh instead of claws.

“okay hun, you can find him later, let’s get you back in bed,” the stranger tries to lift him up but the ring on her hand cingeing his skin and he recoils, pulling his hand back. She stares at her ring then back at his arm where she touched it and she knows. 

Her mouth shuts with an audible click as she raises her eyes to meet his own, panic fills him because this could be where it ends, this could be it. “p-please, I promise, we didn't come here to hurt anyone, we just need help,” he cant help it when he cries for what feels like the millionth time today. “ pleasepleasepleaseplease” he mutters quietly, clinging to the hand without a ring.

If she chooses so, he and Scar could die, people fear what they don't understand. She yanks her hand back and tries to get to the door, he grabs her ankle and she yelps as she falls to the ground, her eyes grow wide in fear, and he doesn't want to do this, but he doesn't have a choice. Scar taught him what to do, how to say it, and how to manipulate words, making them swirl around a person's mind and control them.

___

“There is one thing that I think you should know how to do, it can save your life, but I understand if you don't want to right now, or any time soon, but it's about how to warp the minds of others with their names.” Scar looks at grian unsure of how Grian will react.

“Scar, I don't ever want to do that to another person. It was hell,” Grian stares hard at the floor, digging his toes into the dirt below him. His mind flashes with horrid memories of being under the foxglove's control.

Scar gently rests his hand over Grian’s, “I know, but I'm worried. If you get caught when you visit the human realm then you could get into a lot of trouble. I'm scared you’ll get hurt, but I’ll drop it if you want me to.”

Grian looks at the river, wishing Pearl and Jimmy would get here already so he’d have a distraction. He hates how Scar is probably right, and hates that he may have to use that as an escape. “It's fine,” he sighs, “you can tell me but I won't use it unless I'm about to die.” he compromises.

___

He looks at her name tag, so glad that her first name is included on it. she starts to yell for help and he jumps, “ Sarah ,” she stops and he breathes a sigh of relief. He feels the magic he inherited wrap around her mind, pulling on the strings that make her a person, he hates it. He weaves his magic through the syllables surrounding her name, and that's all it takes, it's so easy it's scary, Grian thinks he understands why Scar always uses nicknames for him now because it would be so easy to slip up now that he knows he can do it. He will never do this to Pearl or Jimmy. “Do you know where my friends are?”

she sits up, “who”. her face is devoid of emotion, it's like looking into the eyes of a dead person, no life behind them, is that what he looked like?

He wants to tear his hair out, “A man with long brown hair came in, he was bleeding out and they rushed him to the back in a hospital bed, where is he?” 

“Ohh, yes, him. Everybody is talking about him. ” the way she says it sends shivers down his spine, have they found out Scar’s fae, is he in danger? “they stitched him all up, that was a nasty wound”

Grian stands, Scar is ok, he’s fine, they sewed him up, he’s gonna be okay, he nearly falls over as the blood rushes to his head. If Scar’s been taken care of, how long has he been on the floor? Sarah jumps up to catch him, guess a person's personality still shows through while under a fae’s hold.

“Take me to him” Grian commands. He rips the IV from his arm and she helps him walk. He grabs the door handle and yelps when it burns him, why does it burn, he doesn't understand, he thought iron only burnt the fae… oh.

Glamour, mushrooms, mind-warping abilities, a connection to the forest he can't explain in words, iron… he isn't human anymore, and maybe he should have confronted the idea before now but he didn't want to. He bites back tears and walks through the door when Sarah opens it. He walks along with her silently, a pleasant smile is plastered on her face and it makes Grian’s skin crawl uncomfortably. 

His whole body feels like it's been squeezed in a shrunken sweater, threatening to burst at the seams and his mind is in a haze the entire walk. He’s worried about Pearl, he’s worried about Scar, he’s worried about what Jimmy thinks of him now. Jimmy, the only one conscious enough to drive, the one who saw everything he did.

He killed someone. Oh god, he killed people. He wishes he felt disgusted with himself, horror, something but all he felt was that agonizing numbness. He hates it, he wants to scream, to cry, and he wants to feel like a person again because the void of emotion is crushing. The only thing he was scared about was what Jimmy thought of him, what Pearl would think of him. It feels wrong.

When Sarah finally opens the door to Scar's room, Grian nearly cries in relief. Scar’s alive, and that's more than he could ever ask for. He slumps down in a hard hospital chair and leans his head back against the cool wall. Scar lays in the bed, under thin blankets, out cold. Grian listens to Scar’s slow breathing and tries to match their breaths, trying to calm down. The glamour held and Scar’s safe. That's all that matters.

“The doctors said he had an allergic reaction to the needles” Sarah tilts her head to the side, “Said his skin seemed to burn.. when touched by it…”

Grian’s heart jolts. He guesses getting burnt by a needle is preferable to leaving a giant hole in his side. they don't know, they don't know, Scar’s still safe, how did Sarah know about the fae? “ Sarah , where did you hear about the fae?”

Sarah smiles, lost in memory, “My grandmother. She told me and my brother's stories, they were the most wonderful thing sometimes, other times they gave us nightmares. I guess not everything can be perfect” she sighs.

“Yeah” Grian croaks. “Could you go find my friends? Their names are Jimmy and Pearl.” his body aches as he melts into the chair but he can't rest yet.

Sarah nods and quietly walks out the door leaving Grian alone with his thoughts and an unconscious Scar. He stares at the white ceiling, burning it into his mind, and listens to the whine of electricity buzzing around him. The tiled floor is cold beneath his feet, the entire hospital is cold. He wonders if Scar’s cold, if he felt alone, if he thought he was going to die? He thinks a hospital is a terrible place to die.

It's quiet. The silence rings loud in his mind. He waits and waits, time stretches and he’s waiting for the whiplash of it snapping back like elastic. He doesn't like the tugging sensation in his heart, he wants to go back to the forest, where he’s complete, but he can't yet. It's a weird feeling, something he never really felt before, never missed the forest this much. It's strange, to say the least, but it doesn't feel wrong.

He slowly taps his fingers on the plastic armrest to a familiar song, the one Scar has sung his whole life, the song Grian is learning to love. He looks at his warped reflection in the metal stand holding the bedside table up. He doesn't understand what he is now, and he  has no idea where his life is going, but he doesn't have to face it alone.

The door handle slowly twists open, Jimmy is holding tight to Pearl's arm, overly cautious, making sure she doesn't fall. They look to the bed first, probably expecting Grian to be there, and honestly, he probably should be lying down, but he had to find Scar.

When they see Grian they both rush over to him. Pearl nearly knocks the both of them over, he and his sister are too weak to keep themselves standing upright. Jimmy catches them and joins in on the hug, slowly lowering them all to the ground.

Pearl lightly punches him in the arm, “You asshole. I thought you died” she laughs through sobs. Pearl has always cared so much, and felt so strongly. Grian never wanted to make her afraid he would die again. 

“I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for any of this to happen” he chokes on stuttering inhales as he shakes, only being held up by the support of his friend.

“We know G, we’re just glad you’re okay” Jimmy mutters into Grian’s hospital gown. Grian feels the hitches in Jimmy's breath as he tries to silence his sobs. Grian only remembers seeing him cry like this once. They were both young, much younger, to the world they should have just been dumb kids messing around but they both had far too many problems hanging over their heads.

Grian shakes the memory from his head before it fully forms, he doesn't want to remember that, he doesn't want to remember tonight. He doesn't want to remember the feeling of using his power, his strength to squeeze the life out of another living talking being. Doesn't want to remember the feeling of Scar’s blood soaking through his clothes wondering if the blood caked under his nails would be the last thing he would have.

“A-are you guys okay?” grian pulls back to look at them. Jimmy's eyebrows pinch together in a way that concerns him, the slump in his shoulders saying more than words ever could.

“Mostly? Pearl has a concussion but should live,” Jimmy grimaces. Grian turns to Pearl and is about to ask her how she feels, or something but she stops him before he can say anything.

“If one more person asks me what the year is, I'm going to scream bloody murder” she scowls and she’s been asked enough questions.

Grian laughs wetly as he wraps his arms around her again. She tucks his head under her chin and apparently, she can't be bothered to tease him about how he’s short because she only hugs him back just as tight, both careful not to hurt the other, both pretty beat up.

“Pearl, the doctor needs you,” the nurse says, face still frighteningly blank. Pearl nods and gives Grian one last squeeze before letting him go. Jimmy gives him a quick hug and follows after Pearl. Grian watches the three of them leave and slumps back down in the chair, too weak to follow.

All there is for him to do now is to wait for Scar to wake up.

_____

Grian had pulled the curtain around Scar’s bed closed and let the glamour fall off and his shoulders slumped in relief. It's easier to breathe and easier to think. His skin no longer feels like it's been stretched around his bones, no longer pulled painfully tight. His head nearly reaches the roof now. He laughs quietly when he looks at Scar, who no longer fits in the hospital bed. 

Grian gently combs his hand through Scar's hair. He sits on the edge of the bed and Scar smiles up at him, grabbing his hand and holding it to his face. Grian swipes his thumb across Scars cheek. He hums quietly, turns his head, and kisses the palm of Grian’s hand. He leans his head down and presses their foreheads together softly. Scar leans forward to kiss him. “I'm sorry” Scar whispers against his lips.

Grian kisses him again, “for what?” he sits up to see Scar’s face and he sees the emotions flash across his face, he recognizes them. “It's not your fault.”

Scar looks down at their hands tangled together, “You don't know everything.” Scar shrinks in on himself. “The fae came back because I made them mad. I hurt them so they wanted to hurt me back. And because of that you got hurt and Pearl and Jimmy got hurt.”

Grian doesn't understand, “what do you mean? Scar I don't understand.” Grian squeezes his hand but he pulls away, grian’s face pinches together in confusion. Sorry, sorry, “sorry, I- uhh. I didn't mean to-” Did he do something wrong, he shouldn’t have asked.

Scar looks up at grian and quickly grabs his hand again, “Nono birdie, it's fine, it's okay.'' Scar's ears twitch as he nervously messes with Grian’s fingers. “I.. augh, birdie, I'm so sorry. When I went back to your bookstore to see you and you were gone I freaked out. Pearl said you went into the forest and never came back. I found the fae who hurt you because they kept a part of your red sweater. It was tied to their belt like a trophy .” Scar spits in disgust. “I-I was so man, i hurt them. I hurt them badly. I wanted to kill them but I didn't.” Scar shuts his eyes like he’s trying to hide from him the only way he can. “I broke their jaw and made them take me to the last place they saw you” he blurts. “They were obviously mad but I didn't think they would come back.”

Scar lets out a shaky breath. “I'm not human and I'm not a good person.”

Grian swings his legs up on the bed, “I'm not asking you to be human, I want you as you are.” he brings both his hands up to cup Scar’s face, “and I'm not exactly good either. If you don't remember, I literally just…” he chokes on the last word because it still doesn't feel real.

Scar leans up and wraps his arms around Grian, resting his head in the crook of his neck. He melts into him.  Scar lays down again and he follows, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Grian sighs, “What is there to talk about. I don't even know what I feel. I know what I'm supposed to feel.” he feels like a terrible person for having no remorse. They hurt his family and that's all he cared about. He will protect his people no matter what, and he doesn't care who he has to hurt, but maybe he took it too far.

“You could be in shock? You can't force yourself to feel something you don’t but I'm always here for you, whether you want to talk or not, if you need someone to cry to. I won't leave you unless you want me to love.” Scar kisses the top of Grian’s head, gently tapping the small mushrooms on his head, the ones that seem to fall off and regrow constantly. It's funny because he accidentally breaks them but they always spring back up, he’s grown to like them.

Grian snuggles closer to Scar, who makes room for him and tucks him under his chin, “thanks” he thinks for a moment, trying to epic his brain together, “I don't think I'm ready to talk now, but maybe later?”

“Okay.” they lay in the quiet room, grian tries to stay awake but he’s so tired. The adrenaline that kept him going is now long gone. All he wants to do is go back home and go to sleep, go back to the forest. 

“Do you think you’re ready to go back home?” Grian asks, “I'm not sure how long you’re actually supposed to stay in the hospital but I don't think either of us can hold a glamour for very long.”

“Yeah, let's go home.” Scar agrees. “Could Jimmy give us a ride home, or at least to the forest?” Scar bolts upright, wincing as his side pulls, “ Jimmy, oh stars birdie, are Pearl and Jimmy alright?” Scar spits out frantically, ready to hop out of the bed and search the whole building for them.

“Yes, don't worry. I checked in on them already. Pearl has a concussion and they’re both a bit shaken up but they’re gonna be okay.'' Grian reassures Scar. He falls back into the bed relieved.

“Oh good, stars above,” Scar rubs the heels of his hands in his eyes, “I'm so sorry. All your lives would have been so much better if I never showed up at your bookstore. It was selfish of me to kiss you, I'm so-”

“Stop, don't say that. ” grian wants to cry, “Don't say that, first off, this is not your fault and I don't blame you, none of us do. Secondly, you are so incredible and amazing, god , Scar, I'm so glad that I did meet you, that you walked into my life and.. And I love you ”

Scar’s breath hitches in his throat and grian thinks he’s broken Scar. “Birdie, i- you're gonna make me cry” he laughs rubbing his eyes.

“Well, I do and I wouldn't trade meeting you for anything in this world and beyond” he means every word. He may have lost something, his humanity, but he gained a friend, a lover, and a whole world to explore. He’s a little less alone and a little more loved.

Scar looks at him with tears in his eyes, “i-, I love you too” he laughs wetly and Grian pulls him in for a hug-

The door clicks open and makes him jump as he scrambles to put the glamour back on as voices enter the room and pull the curtain aside. He’s relieved to see pearl land jimmy, back from their trip to the cafeteria and wonders what shitty hospital food they suffered through. A nurse follows behind them with a clipboard.

Scar shuffles from where he’s sitting and glances at Grian as if to say, you ready? Grian nods.

_____

Scar takes care of all the mind-warping, making the hospital let them go. Grian doesn't have it in him to care about it, yes it hurts him but Scar won't hurt them. They won't even remember they came in, and somehow Scar was able to get rid of any record they’d come to the hospital, or at least in people's minds so no hospital bill, which both Jimmy and Pearl were thankful for, seeing as neither of them had thousands of dollars to waste.

They rolled Scar to the car in one of the stiff hospital wheelchairs. Grian yawned as Jimmy drove them through the night, car bumping and lurching as he hit years-old potholes that seemed to appear out of nowhere. Grian’s eyebrows scrunched together in concern as Scar sucks in a breath. Old yellow street lights flickered overhead and eventually sputtered out as they approached the forest.

The crickets hopped away from their feet and chirped loudly. As soon as they reached the woods again, both he and Scar were able to breathe easier like someone had given them back their missing lung, a missing piece of them. Cold night fog swirls around the ground around them. 

Jimmy and Pearl helped Grian get Scar, who could barely stand on his own, back to his house in the forest. Once home, Jimmy and Pearl both collapsed on the couch and fell asleep shortly after. Jimmy had pulled out his phone and set periodical alarms to check on Pearl which he assumed, neither of them were looking forward to, both just wanting to rest. It wasn't exactly a short walk. they definitely wouldn't have been able to get there without Scar. There was some sort of enchantment on the house, hiding it from those uninvited and unwelcome. Grian carefully helped Scar hobble over to his bed, wincing in pain as his side stretched and tugged.

Grian slowly sat down on the edge of the bed, gently combing through Scar’s long tangled hair with his hand, scratching at Scar's scalp with his nails. Scar leaned into the touch, pulling his hand down to cup his face. Grian smiled. 

Scar reaches up for him, hooking his hand around the back of Grian’s neck, swiping his thumb across his skin, and carefully pulling him closer. Grian rests his forehead on car’s. “You’re too good for me” Scar whispers.

“I could say the same thing” grian hushes him and kisses him softly. “Let's go to bed” he smiles, getting up and walking to his side of the mattress. Scar holds out an arm for him, grian grabs it, latching onto Scar’s hand. He kisses the back of it.

Scar hums quietly in the dark, it calms Grian’s mind, it lets him know Scar is there, that he’s real, that he’s alive. Grian thinks he hears Scar say something before everything fades away into a dreamless sleep but he can't pick out the works.

“Goodnight birdie. I love you more than the stars in the sky, ish ahmor te alvves”

_____

Grian laughs as Scar trips over his own feet, stumbling around like a newborn deer, holding to the counter like his life depends on it. It's the first time Grian has let Scar do anything more than go to the bathroom or grab a snack. He insisted Scar stayed in bed, and with a hole in his side, Scar wasn't one to argue. When he did he nearly passed out from reaching up to grab something from one of the taller cabinets, grian promptly ordered him to bed, and that’s where he remained for the week.

Scar of course grumbled and complained, waiting to help, and grian knew he was bored out of his mind but grian didn't want him to tear his stitching open, again.

Grian asked him about the healing balm scar used on his hands a while ago but it was no good. While it did speed the healing process, it wouldn't stitch together the hole in his side, it wasn't a fix-all as he had hoped. The only thing powerful enough to do that was a fae who studied healing magic for years and as far as Grian knew, neither he nor Scar could do that, and it's not like Scar had many, if any, friends who would be willing to help him right now.

“You really need to be more careful” grian walks to Scar taking him by the arm. Scar pulls grian close, careful not to bump his side too hard.

“Mmm, no, that's why I have you” Scar mumbles into his ratty hair and pressing a kiss to his scalp. Grian hums a quiet laugh in the back of his throat as they sway side to side.

“Do you think you’re well enough to visit Pearl and Jimmy, I want to see how they’re doing.” grian asks, tilting his head up to look at Scar. Pearl and Jimmy still had lives and they couldn't just go missing like he had. Pearl had a whole community in the town, between neighboring business owners to the old ladies who brought cookies over for her. Grian wasn't quite as social as she was and he’s sure they’ll buy any story she tells them about him moving away and only working at the bookshop every once in a while. Jimmy had a whole big family who made sure he was safe and okay.

They both went back to Inky Caps a few days later after they were sure grian and Scar would be ok, and as expected there were tears.

Scar rocked them side to side in a slow dance, “Maybe tomorrow, it still hurts and to be quite honest, I am very dizzy” Scar chuckles quietly.

“Okay, whenever you’re ready” Grian slowly spins Scar around and then leads him to the couch. The quiet afternoon lazily drags on as the sun rises and falls in a way grian has come to rely on. Grian leans into Scar, soaking in his warmth, both of them too tired to do much other than lay there, grian plagued with nightmares, each worse than the last, and Scar waking up in terrible pain. The effects of iron make him sick, thankfully Scar has been able to keep food down for the past two days.

Grian and Scar are both sleep-deprived from nights of Scar consoling grian when he wakes up screaming, and grian gingerly holding Scar’s hair back as he heaves out every last ounce of food he dares to eat.

All they want is for things to calm down, but grian doubts they will anytime soon. He’s still not used to seeing himself in the mirrors through the gaps of the sheets draped over them but slowly, he starts to see himself in the weird misshapen hands, in the small mushrooms that sprout from his skin and around his feet.

He can't remember when the disgust, the fear, morphed into something more like curiosity, and he doesn't know what to think but knows that without his family, he never would have made it this far. Never would have made it from that ditch in the ground, slowly rotting away, to a warm home, a loving partner, an accepting family, to a life he thinks he can learn to live, instead of simply surviving as he had for years. He’s still sad that he can't live the life he wanted to, that it was taken from him, that he’s never going to get that back, but he’s also excited to explore this whole new world, the him that he can be when he doesn't hide behind glamour stretched too tight.

Grian doesn't know how long it’ll take to be able to look in the mirror again like he used to, thinks he probably never will, and knows that his life will never be the same. He thinks that itch will always linger under his skin, the itch that he’s never quite been able to scratch, the feeling that his body’s never been quite right, and in the shortest possible way to say it, dysphoria is a kick to the shins.

Before he transitioned he couldn't figure out how to get rid of it, he hated his body, and he hated himself.He didn't know why, and that was probably the worst part, not knowing why he was feeling that way and having no clue what to do about it. It felt like he was tossed in the ocean  but he never learned to swim. When he looked in the mirror he felt like choking, like the water was filling his lungs because it, he, wasn't right.

It's frighteningly similar, to how he feels now, something off, but in some twisted way of the rollercoaster he’s trapped on, he finds it also feels right somehow. He doesn't understand it and doesn't want to, thinking about it only makes his head spin and he’s tired of spinning. He’s too tired to care and has decided to just accept it as another part of his life

Grian lets his mind wander as his eyes grow heavy in the warm glow of the sun streaming through the curtains. He wonders what his parents would say to him now, now that he looks like this, now that he isn't human, and laughs, because they wouldn't believe their eyes. He imagines their jaw agape as they stand and stare at him in a stunned stupor. Of course realistically he knows what they would do, what they’d say, monster, freak, disgusting, but he finds he doesn't care, that their words no longer matter to him. He’s not what they wanted and he’s never going to be.

He may not be who he’s supposed to be, but maybe, he likes how he is now, and maybe that's enough.

_____

The forest hums around them as Scar leads him through the night. They walk in comfortable silence, fingers weaved together as Grian leans in closer to Scar, taking in the heat he just seems to radiate. The trees towered over them. Grian can feel the roots beneath him, stretching out farther than he could reach, connecting everything, feeling as the entire forest breathes in.

Scar hums a melodic tune as they weave through trees. The moon shines high above them, stars sparkling brightly and the hum of the forest harmonizing with him sounds tangling together in his mind to create a single thread, winding round and round.

Voices hum in content in the back of his head as he leans on Scar taking in the peaceful moment.

They walk into an opening, the melodic crashing of falling water as it pools into the lake in front of them, sparkling magnificently. Fireflies blink around them, Mushrooms sprouting around his feet as he dug his toes into the soft dirt taking in the beauty of the lake. Soft moonlight glittering off it. A gentle glow shines under the water, a beautiful green. Grian doesn't think he’s ever been to a more beautiful place.

Scar leads him to the edge with quite melodic laughter, it echoes through his head, singing softly dragging him into a trance as Scar swayed with him. His hands resting at his waist as he leads him around the shore. His song grows the longer they dance, pitching beautifully and bleeding love and affection.

The forest sings to them as they move, a dance just for them, one no other could replicate. The clouds start to form as they are lost to time in the song of the forest. Twirling around as fireflies flashed around them. 

Grian’s mind hums in affection as he leans into Scar's loving touch. The night sprawled out before them as the light pitter-patter of rain joined the chorus. Laughter erupts from his lungs as he feels the cool touch of rain. Their bare feet patter lightly against the soft grass. 

They glide across the ground, eyes locked as they dance to Scar’s song, one of hope and love. Their song vibrates through his body, lightning touches as hands fly across his body, shifting with their partner, mushrooms trailing behind them. Grian leans impossibly closer, “where’d you learn to dance,” he asks before he realizes he’s speaking.

Scar chuckles looking down at grian as he slows their striding steps into calmer swaying movements, “The Great Fae King’s court.”

Grian stopped, eyes staring blankly up at the glowing green eyes he’s learned to love, “You’re a part of the court and never thought to mention it!?”

“It’s kinda a long story, I’m not like, officially part of the court.” Scar says with a tilted mouth. Grian wants to find out how Scar keeps leaving out these details as if they’re nothing when to him, they’re the key to a whole new world.

Grian drags him to the ground smiling as he trips slightly, “Then tell me your story, I think it’s kinda important I know.”

He chuckles pulls Grian into his lap and starts to braid small bits of his hair that's now longer than he’s let it get in years. He hasn't cut it since being in the forest and finds it doesn't bother him. He actually kind of likes it. He hums in the back of his throat as gentle fingers comb through his hair, careful of tangles and knots, he leans into the touch, greedy for more.

 “Alright, I’ll give you a summed-up version, it really is a lot how I started with the court.” grian shifts slightly as Scar starts, “The court is separated into different sub courts, there's the Seelie court, which I follow and then the Unseelie court. The Great Fae King and his brother the Prince oversee these courts, The King is one of the stars and ever-changing since he took the crown he’s been lost to the stars ruling over the court of Underhill, The Prince is the embodiment of the earth, he feels through it and all of earth’s creatures.”

Grian plays with the mushrooms sprouting around his fingers, “Is he like Mother Spore, the earth and all of its creatures are his children?”

“Well uhm, sorta. For starters he resents humans, they tear up his land and destroy his forests and so much more, he’s had interests in a select few in the past, but they’ve never lasted long. He also can feel everything the earth does, Motherspore can only see through the eyes of her children.” he ties off one of the several braids to come and continues, “The king and his brother enjoy these forests, say there's something about these mountains that call to them both, so underhill resides in it’s ranges, it’s not particularly close to here though, it’s a few days travel.”

“I met the Prince centuries ago, he came to visit some old friends and he stumbled upon me trying to mend the land after some erm humans disrupted the land. His presence was terrifying, you could feel it seeping from everything that made his physical form. But he helped me out and had asked if I knew any good places to play hide and seek, I brought him to this large aspen forest and he thanked me and invited me to the next solstice banquet,”

 birds chirped around them as Scar spoke, calming Grian as he closed his eyes taking in his words, “ someone at the banquet had threatened the King and I managed to get to them before they could get to the King and basically, they thanked me and granted me access to Underhill whenever I desired, and every now and then I’ll run errands for the court members.”

“So you saved the King and didn’t even become a member of the court? Seriously, that right there is some bullshit.” Scar chuckled, batting at his hair, “You can’t just become a member of the court songbird, you have to have every single member of the court agree to a new member first off, and that’s incredibly difficult, and you have to willingly accept the invitation. So even if they had all welcomed me, I would never have accepted the invitation.”

Grian turned around to stare at him, “why not?” Scar brought their foreheads together humming pleasantly, “ Because then I never would have met you.” Grian shoved him playfully making him fall backwards, “You sap.”

Scar looked up at his lover, eyes crinkled at the edges in a smile, gorgeous laughter, adorable mushrooms sprouting wherever they could find a home, his eyes were filled with joy and he was enraptured with everything Grian was, “Do you want to go to the next party with me?”

Grian stilled, fear, uncertainty, love, and more emotions he couldn’t quite place etched across his face, “a-am I even allowed to come?”

Scar stood up held out his hand and pulled Grian up towards him, “Of course, any partner of mine is allowed to come,“ he held grian at his waist, swaying in place “Plus, I think the Prince would like to meet you, you’re a very special person you know. Mother Spore doesn’t just take anyone to be a part of her family.”

Grian starts fidgeting with anything he can get his hands on, “I don’t know anything about how to act, I can barely even dance Scar.” Scar takes his hands and sets him up, “Just follow my steps, you’ll learn to dance, and you don’t need customs lessons, we aren’t a part of the court it’ll be okay.”

Scar starts to lead him in small basic steps of an old fae dance, “ You’ll be perfect, they’ll love you,” Scar spins Grian around as they walk along the edge of the water, “Just have fun with it, you were dancing so nicely with me earlier.”

Grian hesitantly follows Scar’s steps, they are confusing while at the same time natural, it was like his legs knew what to do but his brain was playing catchup, “I don’t want to make myself a fool in front of the court, I’ve never even interacted with another fae that wasn’t trying to kill me-,” Scar pokes playfully at Grian stomach as if to remind him that he is right there.

Grian smiles, “Except for you” he rolls his eyes so hard he fears he may sprain something. “ Buuut, I have no clue how to act around them, how I’m supposed to act as a child of Mother Spore,” he was twisting and turning through the steps. 

“You are to act as yourself, there's no wrong way to be one of her children. She took you in as you were, and that’s enough, you don’t need others' approval to be a part of her family. Even the King can’t tell her which of her children are acceptable and which aren’t.” 

Everything floods his thoughts, all his doubts fears and dysphoria come crashing through, and Grian’s steps hesitate. The fear of being able to look in the mirror over the past month is just, gone. She took you in as you were . Tears prick at the corners of his eyes. Warm hands wrap around his frame as all of the stress pain and discomfort wash away. Voices echo in the back of his head, some yelling, home, safe, one of us.