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Phillip told himself he wouldn't trust someone to take care of him. The risks were too big, and only growing as he did unethical things for his company to stay afloat. Taking bad jobs. Following horrendous orders. Being polite to get what the company needed. He didn't want to do any of it under the man he worked for. But it was dangerous to say no. He didn't have a choice. In his line of work, it was only a matter of time until he had to do something horrible, but it didn’t ease the guilt.
He'd shove it all away. Hide it in a locked box under his bed for more security. Graves was lucky enough to hide. He kept the regression away after his last slip up. It remained bottled up in his head, only to come out when he knew he was safe.
Then he picked up Roach from a trench, his body burned and bleeding out. Somehow, he managed to carve his way into his head. Then into his home, and his heart. The man became a safe space.
Foolish, Phil would tell himself. After all he did for his company, he saved the man his boss wanted dead. But there wasn't an ounce of regret in the self hatred.
Gary was part of his team now. He was healed. Gorgeous with his scars and all. These days, Roach simply wore a neck gaiter, covering some scars but hardly ever ashamed of them. It was hard to push him away. Part of Graves wanted to believe that he simply thought he owed it to Roach to help him, which is why he held on so tight.
At every turn, Roach was there, just gently encouraging him like he was the one that needed saving. Smile lines at the corner of his eyes, the look Roach saved for him.
It broke him down. Slow and steady into a puddle.
There wasn't a thing Graves managed to hide from him. Exhaustion, overworking, under eating, isolating, annoyed, sad, anxious… Gary learned his ticks and tells no matter how hard Phil tried to hide them. He always knew.
It didn't take long for them to break the very rules Graves had put down for himself when he started the Shadow company. Don't get attached, don't let anyone know.
His secrets were his own, until Roach started poking around with those gentle hands. Graves was weak for it. The way Roach eased him into taking full breaths again when his mind was running a mile a minute. The way he guided him slowly into a safe space without Phil even realizing they'd walked at all.
When he regressed, Roach was on his mind. A heated blanket at the highest temperature didn't warm the empty space next to him in his bed, the loudest cartoons didn't drown out the silence in his room. His chest ached at the lonesome space.
Phil convinced himself it would always be that way, with Roach at arms length by his own volition.
But he was swept off his feet, literally and figuratively.
The rules crumbled in his hands every time Roach was there.
Graves really should have been relieved that the weight of the rules were fading. But he held onto the remnants. What was he without the rules he made for himself? What was he if Roach saw the softness under the hardened exterior?
Every mistake, order or not, found it's place in his chest. He held it over his heart like a shield. A guard against the hurt that would come if he let another person in. It always happened to him once they realized what he was. A monster in every way. Killing friends, betraying them, then finding one of their own and bringing him home. It felt like a betrayal to nurse Gary back to health but be so selfish to not let him go.
He didn't want to let him go yet he was fighting so hard to not let him in.
It all broke apart by the gentle words Roach would give him. The destruction of Gary’s voice from smoke inhalation didn’t ever push Graves away. Nor did his occasional silence, using sign language rather than speaking verbally. Still, Phil adored every word. Even if BSL was a little more confusing to learn at first.
It was like a trance to him. A lullaby.The urge to crawl into his arms and just be, to exist in the space, to feel the beat of his heart against himself. It all washed over him after each time Gary would help him relax.
Regressing was only bound to happen eventually.
Graves was caught biting at the nail on his thumb, his eyes glassy as he stared at the unopened file on his desktop. He should be out to the mess hall for dinner, but he felt the tininess crowding his thoughts instead. He could rest in his room, he thought.
That was until Roach welcomed himself in without a care in the world for any kind of consequence.
In any other mental state, Graves would have scolded him. But his eyes simply turned their focus to the man leaning against the now closed door. Gary's presence alone had his breaths deepening.
He wanted to be close. Even after everything he told himself he couldn't do, Phil still wanted it. Anything Roach would offer him, he'd take. Selfish in so many ways, yet had been willing to give up his own safety and sanity to save Roach in the first place.
“Commanader.” Gary rasped, a certain smugness in his tone as he watched Graves. His voice strained, and sore sounding but the british accent was hard to miss. There had been months he had spent healing, with Phil’s help. It felt only fair that Roach helped the Commander with his problems. Especially the one Graves had been trying to hide for so long.
“It’s just Phil when its us.” Phillip muttered with an unusually soft tone. With Roach, he was gentle, yes, but softness was rare. It wouldn’t even come out when he was injured or distressed. Locked so deep down.
“You missed dinner.” The other spoke, stepping forward and in front of Graves’ desk. An unasked question of ‘why?’ lingered in the air. Something Phil didn’t want to have to answer.
“Glad you can still see.” Graves bit, though not meaning the roughness. He was nearing his edge, tired and wanting to simply be small. Be small in Roach’s arms.
“Phillip.” Roach warned with that very same parental tone Phil’s parents used whenever he was about to do something he shouldn’t. Gary despite the warning tone, his eyes were analyzing Graves.
His first thought was that Roach was upset with him. But his eyes were anything but harsh.
Somehow, that warning tone, compared with the actual concern Roach displayed, had him feeling smaller. He wanted to be tiny. Concern wasn’t something most people ever showed for him, not after what he’d done. It didn’t stop Roach from being sickeningly sweet.
Graves began to chew at the inside of his cheek, eyes glancing back down to his desk as if he received a genuine scolding. It felt that way.
“Phil?” Fresh worry laced Gary’s voice. The scene in front of him growing more concerning when Graves didn’t bitch at him about his tone, and looked remorseful instead. He sighed very lightly as he stepped around the desk.
“You’re laced too bloody tight.” Roach murmured, hands reaching around to Phil’s shoulders. The muscles instantly eased under the touch without Roach doing anything but touch.
“Don’t…” Graves attempted to stop him, but made no actual effort to. He wanted to fall apart under delicate hands, ones that would cradle him like a baby just as he needed. He needed someone, Roach specifically, to pull his strings until he unraveled.
“You need sleep, Phil. When’s the last time you got a full night, eh?” The words felt so soft, like a hum in his ears. It sounded like Gary was talking to a kid, and that only made Phil slip further.
Only a pitiful huff escaped him in response. Words evaded him, his head tilted down in refusal to meet Gary's eyes. In all honesty, he didn't remember the last time he had a full night's sleep. Most nights were clouded over by work, or the stabbing loneliness of the cold bed when he was regressing… he'd been needing it more. He needed to be small to get rid of all the icky stress that kept building.
“Phil…” Roach sighed. Something was familiar. The tiredness, the refusal of eye contact, the way Phil seemed just a little out of it.
Graves knew next to nothing of Roach's previous time with the 141 before the betrayal with Shepherd… but something told Phil that Roach knew something. He had to know something.
“Do you need a bath, bub?” Testing the waters.
Something in Graves clicked. Roach knew. How did he know? Was it obvious?
After silence, Roach spoke again.
“Phil, bud… We could get you a bath for bedtime?” Testing. The ever so timid hum to Roach's voice told him that. Yet Graves didn't have an ounce of care.
He wanted someone to help him bathe. Phil wanted Roach to help. He needed it like air.
“Bath…” Phil mumbled, his eyes glossy as his head finally tilted up. He should worry why and how Roach knew, but he knew and wasn't judging… that was all he needed. It was good like that. Clarification on why and how could wait.
“Are you regressing?” Gary asked, almost cautiously. His knowledge, however dulled, was a little scary. It even seemed like he had experience.
“...No?” His voice was far too soft and small for that to be true. Phil began to chew his lip, looking away once again.
“You are, hm? You're slipping, bub.” Roach Insisted, his hands moving to Phil's hair. He immediately reacted by melting into the touch.
It was all he wanted. With anyone else, it was so easy to push away and lock up. But Roach, Gary, stuck in his head. The idea of him helping him out, being able to wash away everything like he always did.
Graves didn't know where his knowledge came from, maybe his family or maybe his old team. The worry didn't linger long.
A soft breath escaped him as he looked back up to Gary. He blinked up at him a few times before he nodded. His head was fuzzy, and his eyes were glossy… he just wanted someone to take care of him.
Slowly, Gary spun the chair around to fully face each other. His mask now pulled down, with a sweet smile on his lips. Scars ran over part of his face, with an ear almost destroyed by so much physical trauma. But, he still looked so happy to be there for Phil.
“Yeah… you're just a little guy. These big boy clothes are too much.” With a steady hand, Roach guided him to stand up.
But Phil whined as he stood, trying to just latch himself onto Roach instead. He wanted to be close. He needed to feel loved. His arms grabbed quickly onto Roach's shirt, leaning against him. The soft whines still came from him.
“Shh, shh… it's okay, I know…” He soothed, one hand rubbing circles on his back.
Graves couldn't stop the tears that filled his eyes. He tucked his head away in Gary's shoulder. Never did he think he'd have something like this, even temporarily. Someone saying that it was okay, comforting him. He didn't deserve it, yet he still got it the way he needed.
“You're okay, I got you, bub..” The words were whispered close to his ear. Sounding so soft, despite the gravel in Roach's voice.
“‘m sorry.. ‘m sorry-” Phil began to babble out, shuddering as he held even tighter onto Roach. He would disappear if he let go, Phil thought.
“No need, love… I wish you told me sooner about this, but I'd never be angry for something like this.” Gary attempted to rationalize with him.
“Couldn't- it's scary…” Graves tried to speak while choking on his tears.
“I know, lots of things are scary…” The other softly spoke, carding a hair through Graves’ blond hair. “How about I tell you a story?” An easy distraction, one Phil wanted so desperately.
“Story..” Phil babbled back, sniffling into Gary's shirt.
The two moved carefully. Roach sat down in Graves' chair, and held the boy in his lap. It didn't matter that Graves was a little bigger than him. The little one's head rested on his chest.
Once Gary got him settled, the tears tampered off. He softly brushed them away with his thumb.
“There was once a little one just like you…” Roach began, looking down at Graves as he spoke. A hand running through the boy's hair.
“He was smart, resilient.. the strongest man I knew.” It almost sounded bittersweet, truth wrapped in a story.
Phil blinked up at him, sniffling as he listened intently.
“He fought wars on his own, took out a whole ring on his own. And when he came home, his family was nowhere to be found…” Roach softly spoke. The gorey details were saved, the little one didn't need to hear the scary things.
“Where did they go..?” Phil squeaked out, small and sweet.
“No one knows, love.. He searched and searched until he couldn't anymore.” Gary pressed a very light kiss on his forehead. “He was very strong, like you, bub. He came home to base after a really really hard time.”
“‘m not that strong…” The little one nuzzled up to him, the sniffles slowly stopping.
“You are, Phil, you're a very strong boy. And you're so so kind..” Gary assured him, rubbing his back slowly.
“Mmph..” Phillip huffed softly. “story…” he pitifully demanded, not caring for the assurance. He wanted more story, he had to know the ending.
“Well… Just like you, he got small. A little baby that needed to be taken care of. Baths, bottles, meals, naps… Even the strongest man needed help.” Gary hummed, softly threading his hands through his hair. He even gave Phil a gentle boop on the nose. “do you wanna guess what happens next?”
Of course Phil whined in complaint, both of the boop and that Roach didn't keep talking without asking a question.
“Fine, alright, I'll keep going.” Gary softly laughed, smiling down at him.
Graves nuzzled up to him, closing his eyes as he simply listened. A story was nice, especially to help him relax. And hearing about someone like him… someone that Roach knew too. It was sweet.
“Me and him would spend all day together, bub.. We drew pictures, we loved drawing together. And he loved baths. I protected him, because he was my little lamb.” This time, it really did sound bittersweet. Gary held a sad smile on his face while he brushed through Phil's hair.
“Wha’ happen’..?” Phil questioned, eyes half lidded.
“We had to go away for work, he's safer now.” Gary kissed Phil's forehead, then pressed their foreheads against each other.
A true story, all of this… but fantasized and changed for Phil's benefit. A rewrite of the truth. It worked perfectly, and helped the boy relax. And for that, Roach was happy.
“Work…” Graves grumbled on Gary's behalf.
It was crazy how quick Roach managed to get Phil calm. Never had he able to calm down so fast. Even with every comfort item he had, it was never so easy. All he needed was a gentle love of a caregiver.
“Yeah.” Roach softly chuckled. “Work sucks a lot. But it's okay, because I have you, hm?”
A small nod of an affirmative, Phil's eyes hardly open by that point.
“How about we get you that bath now? And get you out of those icky clothes?” Gary smiled down at the sleepy boy. Stories always worked for the little ones he'd been around… Seeing how well it worked for Phil, he made a mental note to find some kids books again.
Phil blinked, waking up just a tad as he looked up. A bath was good. He nodded softly.
“S’ay…” He babbled, big blue eyes staring up at Roach. A pout on his lip.
Stay. That's all he needed. To not be alone again. He'd been alone so long, undeserving of the love he craved. Then Roach held him like he was precious, and that need sunk in deeper.
“You’re too itty bitty, bub, I'd never leave.” Gary cooed to him, a genuine grin on his face.
It made Phillip smile back. The worries slipped away, as he slipped smaller and smaller. He began to chew on his lip again, happily looking up at him.
“That's it.” Gary softly chuckled. He wrapped his arms around Phil in the most secure way he could. Then, slowly, stood with Phil in his arms. He's carried heavier, it wasn't much of a feat to hold Graves.
“Eek-!” The little one gasped as he was lifted. He immediately wrapped his arms around Roach's neck in fear that he'd be dropped by accident.
“Iiii’ve got ya!” Roach chuckled softly, making a funny face to Graves. His tongue stuck out as he scrunched his nose. Anything to see the little one laugh.
And Phil certainly laughed. The brightness returned to those blue eyes as he looked up at Gary. Whether he'd be a permanent caregiver or not, he was happy now. That was what mattered most.
“My boy.” Gary chuckled. He easily slipped into a carer role, just like old times. Softly, he hummed to Graves as he walked with him. The bathroom was to the left of the room. And of course Phil had one of the best ones as commander.
The small coos that came from Phil made it all better. Soothed over wounds, for the both of them.
“Bath time!” Roach exclaimed, getting them into the bathroom. He curiously looked around. Two bath toys sat on the ledge of the tub, and a few bath bombs were on the counter. Of course Phil had fun things, even if he hid most of them.
“Baf’.. Baf'!” The boy squealed, looking around with the most excitement he'd felt in a long time. He wasn't alone this time. Bath time could be actually enjoyable instead of tense and sad. Finally, he had someone willing to take care of him.
“You're just the tiniest little bub!” Roach smiled widely, the scars on the side of his face limiting a slight amount of movement. He pressed a soft kiss to Graves' forehead, never once worrying about the possibility of making him uncomfortable.
They were what each other needed.
A hug, a kiss, a cuddle, and everything more…
Never strictly anything. Not just a friendship, but not a romantic relationship either. They were just them, it was easier that way. And right now, that was a little one and his caregiver.
Phil couldn't help but giggle, his legs absentmindedly kicking as he was carried. Small and slipping further. He was biting his lip raw by now. He could let go and relax, that's what he needed.
“You're adorable.” Roach fondly shook his head. “Let's get you, bub, into a warm bath.” He hummed to him, setting Phil down on the lid of the toilet to help undress him. Then to start the bath.
At first Graves began to whine about having to undress. It was cold, and he was shy. It took some convincing to get his shirt off and then the jeans that were probably too tight for him, judging by the marks of the button on his belly.
“All done?” The little one asked once the clothes were off. The water now turned on in the tub which made everything a little louder.
“All done!” Gary smiled in return. He leaned to the tub to check the temperature and hummed in consideration. Warm, not hot.
“Baf’!” Phil pointed at the filling tub. “in!” He demanded with a pout.
Roach couldn't say no to that face. He lifted up Phil again and slowly sat him down in the warm water. It didn't matter that his clothes got water splashed on them at all.
The squeal that Phil let out was heart melting. Pure happiness. He softly splashed around in the tub for a moment as the water was filling. Just over his thighs.
His last little space bath had been spent completely alone. In that hotel room.The difference was immeasurable, practically perfection. He trusted Roach to take care of him.. He usually did trust him with everything else. It wasn't hard to let the guard down once he was being so gentle with him.
“Splash!” Gary laughed softly just as Phil did. The two making very light splashes in the water. Well, Phil made much more of a mess than Roach did. Water landed outside the tub, and on the shower walls around them.
“Sp’ash!!” Phillip smiled brightly. The water rippled after each hit against the surface. A sprinkle of the water got Gary’s shirt wet, but neither of them cared at all. Phil was having fun, just like he should when small.
This was proving to him that he didn’t have to be alone, nor did he have to be so upset each time he regressed. It could be a happy experience that didn’t come back to loneliness the second he stopped playing. He wasn’t alone anymore. Phil could have, and should have, gone to Gary sooner with this. But now that he knew, he didn’t have to fret. Roach would be there, like he always was.
“Big splash!” Roach responded, widely grinning. He turned the tap as the bath filled to just under Phil’s chest, over him sort of like a blanket.
Of course the boy complained a little when the water stopped flowing, but his mind was quickly taken off of that. His two bath toys were put into the water. A small boat with a propeller, and a rubber duckie with a drawn on rainbow cape. He could use a few more toys, Roach would surely treat him with some more now that he knew Phil regressed.
Their play time in the bath lasted an awful long time. Anytime the energy died, Roach gave Phil something new to do. Some babies needed extra encouragement, or distractions. That was what Phil needed, something to do so he didn’t start thinking about the last time he’d had a bath while small.. Roach was good at distractions.
Washing up was easy as well, Phil melted into every touch. He almost fell asleep when his hair was washed, soft coos came from him while Roach was sweetly talking. It was so easy to just relax. Everything was easier now.
Getting him out of the bath was the hard part.
Phil splashed, whined and even kicked the water whenever Gary attempted to coax him out of the cold bath. He wasn’t ready. He tried to hold onto the handle on the shower wall as he was steadily lifted from the water. It couldn’t be over yet, he wanted to stay!! He was happy!
“I know, bub, come out… Ya need to dry, then we can do anything!” Gary smiled encouragingly.
It was enticing, but the bath… It was so much fun! Moving onto the next thing would mean there was at least three more things to do in between tasks. He’d have to dry off, get dressed and warm up all over again. It felt like too much. There was too much to do before he could get comfortable again. Not to mention that he had to tell Roach were all his regression things were.
“Nuh-uh!!” Phil shouted, his eyes welling up with tears. Too much. He swung from giggling to crying within seconds.
The look of subtle confusion on Gary’s face was hardly noticeable. He’d done similar things before, doing what the little one needed rather than what they wanted to do. He wiggled a hand under the one Phil was using to hold onto the shower wall. He then slowly got him out of the bath, with Phillip fighting against him the whole time.
The tears fell down Graves’ cheeks eventually in the midst of fighting against the end of bathtime. By far the most fussy little one Roach has cared for, but it didn’t deter him whatsoever. The bath was drained as soon as he got Phil to sit down on the toilet lid.
His fight drained as the bath water drained from the tub, little sniffles coming from the boy. Phil looked down and away, unable to stop the shivers from the cold water that stuck to his skin. He didn’t want to be bad, he just wanted the bath to last longer. Only able to rationalize that he should complain if he wanted to stay longer.
“It’s okay, love.” Gary softly said to him, dotting away the tears with a towel. By now he was damp with the water Phil had splashed and kicked out of the tub, he seemed to not care at all.
“‘m sorry-!” Phil sobbed with reddened cheeks. Big blue eyes looking up at Roach. It wasn’t getting out of that bath anymore that upset him, it was his own behavior. How was he supposed to be loved if he wasn’t good? Not a good person, or a good kiddo. He just wanted to be good for once.
“Bub…” Roach sighed softly. The towel was quickly wrapped around Phil as Roach crouched down to meet his eyes. Worriedly smiling up at him in hopes it would ease the boy’s panic.
He refused to meet his eyes.
If he wasn’t able to be good while little, how could he even possibly make up for how he was when he was big? If he couldn’t, Roach would leave or he’d accidentally hurt him, like everyone else.
“No!” Phil pulled the towel up to hide his face. His shoulders trembled. Did he deserve the patience Gary had for him?
“Phil, love, everything is okay. Can you put the towel down?” Roach attempted.
“‘m sorry!” Graves whimpered, but he didn’t drop the towel as asked. He couldn’t.
Despite the fact that he was still wet, Roach lifted Phil into his arms. When he thrashed, Gary simply held him close and rubbed his back.
“You’re safe, I’m right here, love…” The caregiver spoke gently, swaying with the boy in his arms. Almost in a rocking motion. Gary wanted to help, wanted to give him love. The now weak fighting saddened him.
Over time, it began to work. Phil quieted down and stopped fighting about being held. Instead, he wrapped grabbed at Roach’s wet shirt with his arms tucked underneath himself. He suckled on his bitten lip. The tears still dripped down his cheeks.
“That’s it.. It’s okay to get a little fussy sometimes, even I get fussy.” Gary was sweet to him, one of his hands reaching to wipe away the tear streaks on the little one’s red cheeks.
A small whimper came from Phil in response as the hand made contact with the warm skin. For just a moment, his eyes closed. Fuzziness clouded his head in a way that had him relaxing.
The towel became useless, Phil being held long enough that he dried off in the time between getting out of the bath then being rocked, ven though his hair was still mostly wet. He released a small breath as he pressed his forehead to Gary’s shoulder.
“How small are you, love?”
There wasn’t any kind of response, other than Phil nuzzling closer. Shivers wracked through him, the towel not enough to keep him warm.
Gary simply smiled at the quietness. He adjusted his grip on Phil, then carried him back out to the bedroom area.
His bed sadly plain. Nothing particularly special, just a heated blanket over the sheet. Two dark blue pillows sat at the head of the bed. But a locked box peeked out from under the bed ever so slightly. It had Roach curious, but getting Phil into comfortable pjs was the task at hand.
There was no more fighting at all, even when Phil was laid in the bed.
“Let’s get you warmed up, bub.” Gary then turned on the heated blanket under Phil, just warm but not hot. Like a heated baby changing mat. Just enough to keep the little one warm enough.
Small coos were the only sound Phillip made, blinking up at Roach as he looked around for clothes. The warmth underneath him helped him relax into the mattress.
Any further movements were lost on him as he began closing his eyes. He merely listened to Roach’s hums or words.
“Do you have any little gear, love?” Gary asked, brushing through the damp hair on his head.
“Box…” Phil mumbled, forcing the word out as he tried to point under the bed. He was small, itty bitty, and he needed more than just his pacifier and stuffed animal. It wasn’t something he liked whatsoever, but he needed a diaper. The smaller he got, the less and less aware he was of the things he needed. He’d start to cry when he got hungry because he didn’t understand.
Sounds of shuffling, then the jingling of a lock was audible. The box from under the bed being set down on the end of the bed.
“Do you have a key, sweetheart?” Gary hummed to him, looking to the boy laying comfortably in the bed.
“Uhhuh…” Graves babbles very quietly, his eyes blinked open slowly. He reached underneath his own pillow, then let the key fall out of his hand in Roach’s direction.
The box was rather large, but short in height. The shackle on the lock clicked out as Roach turned it the key in. Gary continued to speak to Phil as he took items out. A paci, a blue snowflake blanket, a diaper, and some cute socks all lined up on the bed. It was a wonder how he was able to get so much on base, in the box there were at least five different pacis, two blankets, a bottle, and about six extra diapers. He had a lot for someone who didn’t let himself show it at all.
“That’s a lot of stuff, bub, I’m glad you have it.” Roach grinned as he looked at Phil.
Phil simply babbled in reply before going quiet again, his eyes sleepily tracking Roach’s movement as Roach looked through the room for a suitable cozy time outfit. He cooed for attention, it quickly turning to little whines.
“I’m right here.” Gary hummed, turning to look at him. “Just getting you warm clothes, love.” He briefly explained. Then he was at his side in seconds again.
Phil got padded up then dressed in a big shirt, socks, and some sweatpants. Something soft and comfy for the little one. He was given his paci that he began to softly suckle on almost immediately.
Both under the warm covers, thanks to the heated blanket, Graves nuzzled himself up to Roach’s side. No more tears, no more anxiety. Just quiet cuddles. The snowflake blanket was rested over them both. It was so easy to just relax once Roach was next to him as well. He now wore one of Phil’s shirts due to the splashing earlier, and the box set aside.
“Little one…” Roach whispered very softly, “I’m goin’ to be right with you as long as you need me, Okay?” A hand rested on Phil’s cheek with light pressure, brushing softly over the scar there.
In his sleepy state, Phil cuddled up as much as he physically could. Meaning he now laid on top of Roach, his head over his heartbeat. He cooed and babbled nonsense until one word was finally understandable.
“Dada…” Just soft and tiny as it slipped from Phil’s lips, still shielded mostly by the pacifier.
It made Roach freeze for a second. It was so sweet. The soft, small word, that wouldn’t have been audible if he was another inch away.
Dada.
Phil had felt safe enough, loved enough, to say it. He’d been wanting Gary to be his caregiver for so long. It slipped out, and he didn’t notice completely.
But Gary didn’t regret hearing that at all. In fact, happy tears welled in his eyes.
“Dada’s got you, bub… I’ve always got you.” Roach whispered. Any attempt at keeping his voice from cracking was failing horribly. He promised he would be there, just as Phil promised he’d be there for him too when they were only freshly becoming friends. They put so much trust in each other. Gary just wanted to give and give as he saw all of the struggle Phil went through, this was something he didn’t really see coming, but it was so so welcomed. After his last time with a little, he’d been aching to care for someone like that again.
And he had Phil, and Phil had him.
They would have to talk once Phil was big again, about all of this, but it could wait. And it would.
Graves babbled quietly to that, blinking just a moment more before his eyes closed completely. Not sleeping, but resting. Dozing, even. His muscles remained loose and relaxed as he suckled lightly on the paci. Waves of comfort washed over him, over and over again.
The coldness of his bed was gone, now filled by Gary’s warmth. The silence now filled by the sounds of deep breathing, with the occasional hitch to the otherwise steady rhythm. The tears from the day, and all of them before, replaced by a quirked up corner of his lip as he dozed.
It wasn’t perfect by any means, but he was content. For the first time, he was content while regressed for longer than thirty minutes. Hours had gone by. From the story, to the bath, to the bed, it took longer than either of them realized. Every second was worth it.
Quietness enveloped him, not pure silence. One more time, he babbled.
“Dada…”
Then fell asleep under Roach’s care and protection.
They were what each other needed. And in this case, and many more, it would be caregiver and little one.