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“You’re letting this guy set you up? Syd, you fucking stabbed the guy!” Carmy’s hands are in the air like the writing was on the walls. And logically she knew that trusting Richie to set her up was a horrible idea.
But.
She had been pining over Carmy like a schoolgirl with her first crush. Nat had verified that this guy was a great match after Richie suggested it. And she is trying to trust Richie a little more. Syd was more of a danger to him than vice versa anyway.
“And I healed fine, cousin!” Richie exclaims, having a front row seat for this fight and clearly savoring it. Being honest, Syd wasn’t sure where this was coming from. Carmy’s never really cared about her personal life. He didn’t really ask about her friends or family. The only reason this even came up was because Richie came barging in yelling about when she could go on the date.
“Seriously, it’s fine. I-I trust Richie,” the genuine confusion from this line of questioning causes her to nervously stumble over her words. Carm’s eyes narrow in disbelief as they dart back and forth between the two of them.
“Since when are you two so close? Huh?” There is a beat of silence. “Whatever. It’s fine.” And, no, actually. It’s not fine, Syd thinks.
“I don’t need your permission to date, Carmen.” Richie lets out a low whistle and throws his hands up in surrender when he receives two sets of eyes glaring at him.
“And if it gets in the way of the restaurant?” As soon as Carm says the words he wants to take them back. He wasn’t being fair and the worst part was he knew it. The anger, though, boiling beneath his skin at the thought of her with someone had control of his mouth. The silence following that hypocritical statement was cutting.
“..Dude,” Richie started, “Fuck you,” Syd finished. She heads to her locker, grabs her things and storms out the back all while they stare at her.
“Marcus asked her out.” Carm’s head snaps back to Richie. “She said no. But cousin, she was going to say yes to someone eventually. And this dude won't leave her high and dry during one of the most stressful times in her life.”
“Seriously, when did you guys get so close?” Carm rubbed his forehead in exasperation and shame in his own behavior.
“She’s family now,” Richie shrugged. And Carm smiled slightly at that. He was glad they had been getting along. “So whats actually got you all fucked up?”
“She should be here.” Richie scoffs at that.
“She’s been here. She’s been here every day since she un-quit or whatever. I saw her puking after opening night from the stress. She deserves a life outside this restaurant just like you do. Goddamn, I’m hoping she doesn’t fuck it up like you did,” Richie got louder as he got more defensive and it startled Carm into keeping his mouth shut. “If you need her here as a chef, then you don’t get to be upset by this, that priority is never going to change for her. If you need her here because she’s Syd, then you need to say something.” Carm doesn’t even know how to speak after Richie ends his rant and walks away.
God he fucked up. Shit, he is fucked up.
-
Syd was meeting Connor on Monday for dinner. The restaurant was closed, which was the point, but now it meant she didn’t have a distraction all day. She couldn’t talk about it with her dad - he was always weird about boy stuff. And she didn’t really have any close female friends. Her thumb was hovering over the only name she could think of to help her. After a brief contemplation that ended in fuck it, she called Nat. She picked up after the first ring.
Nat insisted on her coming over to get ready for the date. Pete even picked her up, despite her insisting on taking the train.
“He had the audacity to say that?!” Nat practically screams when Syd breaks down their fight. “Honestly, good for Richie for not putting up with it. Last year he wouldn’t have said anything.”
“Last year he wouldn’t have set me up in the first place.”
“True.”
Syd was drinking a glass of Pete’s fancy wine, from his insistence, while Nat helped her do her makeup. Syd had never really learned how to do makeup and, unsurprisingly, neither had her dad. Nat wasn’t the first person to help her do it but she was the kindest about it.
“You think Richie’s really changed?” Nat changes the subject.
“Yeah, you should have seen him on opening night with my dad. He knew everything to make him feel comfortable. Not gonna lie, I think that was the first time my dad understood what I did and no small part of that was from Richie.”
“I’m so proud of him,” Nat responds tearfully, taking a break from Syd’s eyeliner to sip her cranberry juice in a wine glass. In the end, Nat insisted on driving her to the date and even offered to send Pete to pick her up again. She declined the latter but accepted her offer to drive her there. It made her wish that Carm had felt the same way about her, instead of just being worried about their business. Because she would really love Natalie as a sister in law.
-
After the first date came another. And another. Until Syd was officially dating one of Richie’s friends from the restaurant Carmy sent him to. Another one of his past decisions catching up to him. But to her credit, Syd never brought it into the workplace. Maybe she had a pep in her step or smiled a little more at Tina’s teasing. She didn’t talk about Connor or mention when she was seeing him. She still came in early to pre-prep the stations.
But her warm smiles and teasing remarks weren’t aimed at him. She didn’t talk to him about anything besides The Bear. He couldn’t ask Richie after he told him to tell her how he felt. So he would, as subtle as possible, bring her up to Sugar. Apparently the two had gotten close during the remodel - something he would have known if he had been around.
Sugar would give him as little information as possible. She knew what he had said when he found out about the date and he saw the protective fire in her eyes when he asked about Syd’s boyfriend. They don’t speak the words but he feels them regardless. Don’t fuck this up for her.
In the end, it was a slip of tongue that caused the fragility to finally break. It was one of the rare Mondays she would spend at The Bear to practice new recipes with him instead of out with her boyfriend. They had been prepping a new fall menu, her risotto making a return. He knew she had been doing and redoing the brine on the protein to perfect it. Adding acid had helped but too much made it too salty and too sour. He had been sending her suggestions on how to fix it and she finally nailed it.
One bite had him reaching for another, already major praise from him. When he smiled, she smiled back.
“Connor’s been my guinea pig,” she said, turning her smile to the dish. Suddenly the risotto soured in his stomach.
“Fuck that guy,” he realized he spoke that under his breathe, out loud, when her face falls. Fuck.
“What is your problem?” Carmy can’t keep this up, acting like he was fine with her divided attention. It wasn’t even about their working partnership - that was fine. It was the fact that she was the only person he could breathe around. And he was suffocating now.
“He is,” she scoffs and rolls her eyes at him, “Okay, fine. Maybe it’s me. I don’t want him to taste your work before I do. Or to bounce ideas off of him like he’s your partner.”
“He is my partner, Carmen,” she snaps.
“No, he’s the guy you fuck.” She flinches at his crude language. Even he can’t believe he’s being this way but he’s started and he can’t stop his mouth, “He’s not the guy you spend twelve hours a day with to reach your dream. He’s not the one who's gonna catch you if you slip. He’s not the one who can’t breathe without you there. He’s not the one fucking in love with you.”
Tears pool in her eyes. God, even when confessing his love for her he hurts her. He backs up, pulling on his own hair.
“You’re being shitty,” she speaks in a meek voice he had never heard her use. Her arms go from crossed on her chest to wrapping around herself as a comfort. He’d never seen her look so vulnerable. It takes the fight out of him.
“I’m sorry, S-Syd. I sh-shouldn’t have - it’s n-not fair to,” he couldn’t even speak he was so overwhelmed. The tears drop from her lashes and he can’t watch, running out the door like a coward. He keeps running, only his phone and a pack of cigs on him.
Within the hour, he gets multiple calls from Richie and Sugar, asking what he said to upset Sydney. A voicemail from Richie tells him to take the day to grab ahold of his Donna side and he wants to punch something. Ironically, the thought that that’s something Donna would do is what stops him.
The first thing he did after leaving was find an Al-Anon meeting. He listened to others talk about their lives, drank burnt coffee, and snacked on stale cookies. By the time his heart rate comes back down, they are calling last chance to speak. Tentatively, he raised his hand. He still wore his blue apron, at roughly 1pm, as he got up.
“Hi, I’m Carmen,” he hears the usual response back, “So, this is not my typical meeting. I usually go to mine on Tuesdays. But I fucked up. My, um, business partner has been seeing someone and, uh, it messed me up. I really didn’t understand why at first. Like, cooking had always been my getaway from the chaos. The kitchen was so stressful but I knew what needed to get done. My family is, well, crazy and cooking was my escape. Literally. But cooking with her feels different. She adds a warmth I didn’t know could exist or that I was even missing. And it just calms me. Like I know she can help me shoulder the day to day or I can help carry hers. But, like a toddler or something, I didn’t even realize it until she was helping someone else. I got jealous, like ‘couldn’t talk to her’ jealous. I made a complete ass of myself.”
As the meeting wraps up, he ventures back out into Chicago and can only think about getting back to his apartment to sleep off the embarrassment and cruelty of what he did. He smokes a total of two cigarettes on his way back to his place. He can feel his phone vibrating again and swiftly turns it off. As he reaches his apartment though, he wishes he kept it turned on.
Sydney was sitting on the front stoop of his apartment building. She’s holding his bag with his keys and wallet that he left in his quick getaway. She looks up as he approaches, those big brown eyes still red from crying.
“Syd,” he starts as she rises to meet him. Any thought of finishing that sentence ends when she grabs the back of his head as she pulls him in for a kiss. It was brutal as if she was saying she was still mad at him. Carm knows they need to talk but then she tightens her hand in his hair and it pushes any rationale to the side. He gives as much as he can, cupping both sides of her face to keep her there. If this was their only kiss, then he wouldn’t waste it. Eventually, though, they need air.
“I broke up with him,” she says in between her panting.
“Because of how I feel?”
“Because you feel the same way I feel.” She leans back in to kiss him but he holds her back, hands still grasping her head.
“You have to say it.”
“Technically, you didn’t.”
“Basically did.”
“No, you,” she starts.
“I love you, now say it.” Knowing she would return the words helped say them with ease. The need to hear her say those words pushed him to drop the argument. Even if he could fight forever with Syd. She smiles as he caves.
“I love you too.” And he dives back in, already regretting holding her back in the first place. But he needed to be sure. They stay out there like that for a while, just kissing and holding each other outside his apartment in the summer heat. He kisses her forehead as they migrate into his place.
“So, did you dump him over text or what?” He finally asks after she curls up on his chest to watch a cooking show they were both obsessed with. This was after a quick call to Nat, though they could hear Richie in the background, to let her know that they figured their shit out. They hung up on her squealing and his shouting about winning the betting pool.
“Um, worse. Much worse. Honestly, we had been having a lot of problems. He wanted me to try to find a different job,” he tenses at the mere mention of it and she rubs her own chest to sign sorry for even speaking the words, “He didn’t understand why I wanted to be in charge. I knew we weren’t gonna last and his job was on the way to your place so,” she kinda trails off, suddenly embarrassed from how fast she dumped someone for him. Syd can’t quite look at his face and he can’t have that so he guides her chin to catch her eyes.
“If I’d known how you felt, I would have done the same with Claire.” He kisses her gently. She sighs softly as she melts into him. “I’m sorry for making you cry,” he whispers as he slowly presses kisses around her eyes like the tears were still there.
“You didn’t,” she whispers just as softly, “Well, you kinda did. But it was mostly from how much time I wasted trying to make something work when I knew it wasn’t right.”
“Yeah that's how I felt when I realized I had feelings for you while dating Claire. I just didn’t think you felt the same. I was, am, so fucking jealous of that guy getting to be with you.”
“I thought you were really into Claire,” she says with no indication that she was jealous of her. Just honest confusion. He begins shaking his head before she even finishes her sentence.
“Mikey always wanted me to be with her. But I liked her when life was simple. Before being a chef was all I wanted to do. Before everything. I didn’t feel safe with her as I am. You’re the only person who holds me to a higher standard, not because you don’t like me as I am; but because you know who I could be. Beyond that you’ve seen me at my worst and still came back, you are kind and kinda insane. You don’t buckle, even if it makes you sick. You make the kitchen feel like home again. In a way it hasn’t since Mikey died,” he worries he's said too much when he sees her stupefied face. Instead she kisses him. His own eyes burn at the intensity. She pulls back to wipe his tears.
“There is no one I’d rather fight with or fight for.”
She repeats herself in their vows years later, after she got that star.