Work Text:
It had been more than three weeks since he last came to her at night. Three weeks since they last coupled, three weeks since he last shared her bed, three weeks since he came to her chamber.
Catelyn could not say it did not bother her. It truly did. All through the days she was occupied with thinking about why he would not come to her. He had taken to sharing her bed most every night a very long time ago; only occasionally did they sleep in separate beds. Then suddenly he had disappeared.
She had not dared ask him about it as she was afraid for what answer she would get. Still it was apparent to her why he had abandoned her, she merely didn’t want to hear him say it. It would hurt so terribly to hear him say it. She had also not gone to him as she knew she wasn’t wanted. If he had wanted her he would have come.
During the days he seemed most the same as before. He was sweet and kind to her, he was still the Ned she had come to know since their wedding in Riverrun. Even as she had his company during the day she had grown lonely. She missed his warm presence at her side, she missed talking to him before falling asleep, and she missed receiving a kiss in the morning. She felt pathetic as she missed him and then did it all the same.
Their marriage was as far from a love match as one could get. They had been wed because his brother had died before she had time to wed him. It had been war, the times had been grim and dark. Yet something ached in her at his absence. It grew larger with every passing day.
Ned had no obligations to her that he was not fulfilling. He treated her well, he had given her children, she ran his castle and he had never undermined her position as his lady. All that and he had a bastard son. A son he had brought with him to Winterfell out of love for his mother. What other reason was there? Why would he have taken the boy to be raised among his trueborn children if not because of the mother? A mother Ned had loved, a mother that was not Catelyn.
Jon’s mother was far away, whoever she was. The woman that kept Ned occupied elsewhere was someone new. Someone in Winterfell. Catelyn had little idea of who it was. Even as she looked around, tried to see which women spoke with Ned and his reaction, she saw nothing. She heard nothing, as well. No one whispered of Lord Stark and a woman that wasn’t his lady. But there had to be a woman. Why would he have stopped coming to her if not because he had found someone else? Someone he liked better.
That other woman was most likely prettier. Maybe her body had not been changed by carrying children. Maybe she was sweet and young and said everything he wanted to hear. Catelyn had not taken Ned for that sort of man. Though he was a man. Men had needs and desires.
Perhaps she should have adjusted herself to it, but as she sat there on her bed it felt the same as it had two weeks past. Her chamber was silent, her bed was empty, her heart longed for company. She was being stupid. The sooner she found acceptance in it the better. She had become much too attached to her husband.
With a sigh she looked over on the other side of the bed. The side she had come to think of as Ned’s side. She could no longer sleep in the middle of the beden when she was alone because that made it feel like she was intruding on his side.
There was a knock on the door and it opened before she had time to respond. Against her wish there was a spark of anger in her chest when Ned became visible.
“So now you’re here?” she said, sharper than intended.
Catelyn had no right to be angry, she was well aware of that. And yet she was. Yet she looked at him and felt anger at that he had been so very sweet to her, spent night upon night with his arms around her, only to suddenly abandon her.
“Is the hour too late?” Ned asked. “Forgive me, if that is so.”
He had yet to close the door behind him, remained with his hand on the handle.
“If the hour is too late?”
The hour and the day and the week were all too late. Did he not realise it himself? Could he not do her the courtesy of not pretending everything was as it had always been?
“I was in my solar until just now, I might have lost track of time.”
She left her place on the bed, stood up. Without looking at him she walked over to him, reached behind him and used one hand to push the door closed. He let go of the door handle only after the door was already closed.
They were so close to one another she could feel his breath on her face when she looked up at him. Though she made no move to kiss him and let her arms remain at her sides. He must have sensed her sour mood, because he did nothing. Merely looked at her.
“Have I done something to upset you?” he said slowly.
All she could do was sigh. Gods, he was stupid.
She had to turn around and take a few steps away, create distance between them.
“My lady?”
That time there was worry in his voice.
“It has been almost a moon’s turn since you shared my bed” she said, unable to keep it away any longer.
Why push it to the future? Why not talk about it then and there? It would hurt no matter when the subject was discussed.
“Has it?”
She couldn’t see his face, but he heard his surprise. Genuine surprise. How much of his thought and time did that other woman not own if he had not even realised it had been that long since he last spent a night with his wife? How much of his heart did she hold?
“Three weeks and three days. That’s four-and-twenty days.”
She had began counting when she realised it had been five days. Then she had not expected to count as far as she had. As it was she had began dreading the day she would know how many days there would be in the end.
“Forgive me.”
Even as she was angry she knew she had little right to be. He owed her nothing. He had given her all he was expected to give, she was not supposed to have any complaints. She was acting in an undignified manner and it was terribly hard to stop.
She turned to face him once more, took a deep breath to calm herself. The turmoil in her head and the fury in her chest remained, though she managed to collect herself enough to keep her voice calm.
“There is nothing to forgive, my lord.”
His eyebrows shot up at that.
“Yet I have clearly caused you upset” he said.
Catelyn clasped her hands in front of her and straightened her back. Did her best to look dignified even as she wanted to scream.
“I have little right to be upset. You have done your duty to me, you owe me nothing more.”
The words struggled against her, though she managed to say them all. They were the truth. She hated her heart for not realising that, for making her feel anger and sadness. She had been taught better than so, she knew better than so.
“What do you mean by that, my lady?” he asked.
“I mean that you don’t have to share my bed, you have given me children already. Only one son, though he is healthy and strong. You can be with whoever your heart desires.”
Robb would make a fine lord one day. And his two sisters would make fine ladies. A son and two daughters, that were as many children as Catelyn’s father had.
By the time she had finished speaking Ned seemed even more confused. How could not understand? She was allowing him his other love. Not that she had to allow anything. She was only his wife.
“Come again?”
“We did not wed for love, you don’t owe me love.”
That her voice broke on the last word did not help. Not in the least.
She sighed at her own stupidity. There was more anger than sadness in her and yet her eyes were tearing. She didn’t want them to. She would rather be angry with him.
“What do the circumstances of our wedding have to do with this?” Ned said.
Then she could not hold herself together anymore.
“I am telling you that it’s okay, you don’t have to love me.”
Ned opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it again. He merely looked at her as she continued her struggle against the tears. How pathetic she felt.
“I must admit I still don’t quite understand” Ned said slowly after having finally gathered his thoughts. “Though there is no other woman. If that was your… accusation.”
“Oh don’t lie to me” she exclaimed, exasperated. “You don’t have to, I understand.”
Denial did not make it better. She knew there was someone else, him lying about it did not change that.
“I’m telling the truth, Catelyn.”
“But you are not.”
The ache in her chest was so great and yet she felt so small. She was a small woman when she stood there before him and wanted nothing but for him to confess the truth. He needed not lie to her, she understood. It hurt, though she understood. And she would not beg for his love.
Ned had once again gone silent and Catelyn found that she couldn’t quite tell what he was thinking. At first she believed she saw pity, then sadness, then a shade of anger and in the end he sighed.
“I don’t know what to say in order to make you see that all of this is imagined, but I can say that I don’t want anyone but you.”
“Why would you want me?”
He snorted then.
“Why would I not want you?”
There were a thousand reasons, could be not see that himself?
“Perhaps you have grown bored of me. Perhaps you don’t like how the children have changed my body. Perhaps you think me to be ugly. Perhaps you have realised you simply do not like me. Perhaps some other woman has drawn your eye. Perhaps–“
He had walked over to her as she talked and when he took both of her hands she found herself unable to keep speaking. She looked down at the floor but let him hold her hands even as a small part of her wished to draw away from him.
“There is no other woman that has drawn my eye and I do like you” he said firmly. “What makes you think otherwise?”
There was a hint of annoyance in his voice. Catelyn wondered why. Who was he to be annoyed?
“You were gone for four-and-twenty days!” she told him, looking up at him.
“I was unaware of that it was of such importance to you.”
She had been unaware of that it was of such little importance to him. She had truly believed he enjoyed it, that he came to her because he wanted to. It had not always been so, but it had become that way.
“Have you shared my bed solely for my sake?”
Her attempt at hiding the hurt in her voice most likely failed. There would be no dignity left for her after that night.
“No, I share your bed because I want to. It merely had not occurred to me that you wanted it so much.”
Had it not become obvious after Balon Greyjoy rebelled? From the way she had been with him whenever possible, from the way she had sought him out whenever she could. Though it had been mutual. For a time after his return he would rarely be away from her for more than perhaps an hour at a time.
“So it has been four-and-twenty days since you last wished for my company?” she questioned.
Ned looked away for a moment and when his gaze returned to her face his face was almost stern.
“No, it has apparently been four-and-twenty days since I without intention woke you in the darkest hour of the night because I was dreaming.”
When he said it she could recall it having happened that night, but she had not paid it much mind. He had been moving around because of his dreams and it had woken her up. It was not the first time it had happened, she had soothed him into stillness many times before. Held him until his dreams were easier. He knew she had. And she did not mind, she wanted to ease his struggles in any way she could. No matter what those struggles were.
”What does that have to do with anything?” she could not help but ask.
”I thought it better to stay away until the dreams got better again.”
”And now you’re sleeping well?”
Ned seemed to age at least ten years at that question. He looked tired to the bone. As if it truly had been four-and-twenty days since he last had a night of proper rest.
”Now it struck me that it has been a while since we last made an attempt at a child. Though I did not realise it had been this long.”
Catelyn released her hands from his grip and instead put them on his bearded cheeks, cupping his face. She looked into his eyes, saw the exhaustion that resided there. How could she not have seen it earlier?
”Eddard Stark, I have little doubt of that you are the stupidest man I have ever known” she said softly. ”And I have known many stupid men.”
”What have I done to make myself deserving of such an honour?” Ned scoffed.
”The dreams get better when you’re with me and yet you drew away, disappeared without telling me why.”
He had decency enough to look ashamed at that.
”You should not have to endure that” he said in a low voice.
”It’s not a thing I endure, Ned. I want to help you, I want to make things better for you.”
He deserved someone to help him in his hardships and she wished to be that someone. They were companions, why not be it in every sense?
She ran her thumbs over his cheekbones, watched him soften at that.
”It is my burden” he still insisted, as he had many times before.
”And your burdens are my burdens. That was declared many years ago.”
In other words, perhaps, though the meaning was the same. They were meant to endure hardships together.
Gently she bent his head down so that she could kiss his forehead. Her stupid husband and his stupid bad dreams.
“Would you stay with me this night?” she asked.
“If you would have me.”
“Of course I would have you.”
The anger had faded, she knew he had told her the truth. There was relief in knowing why he had been gone and guilt over feeling relief because of his troubled dreams. He had been struggling and she was happier for that than she would have been to know he had found joy elsewhere. That was not what a good wife should have felt.
Catelyn sat in the bed while she waited for him to undress so that he could join her. Watched him take off his clothes and fold them.
“Did you truly think there was another woman?” Ned asked suddenly.
He had his back to her she could not see his face. It was impossible to tell what he was thinking from his voice.
“You never chose me, Ned. It would have been understandable if you wanted someone that wasn’t forced upon you.”
The circumstances of their very short betrothal had not allowed for him to do anything but step into Riverrun’s sept in Brandon’s place. Had he not accepted it her father would have never given them his men and that would have cost them too much. Perhaps it would have lost them the war.
“And you never chose me.”
There was truth to that. She had had even less of a choice regarding their wedding. The difference was that she would never get to choose anyone else. She would not have chosen anyone but him had she been allowed to, though that did not change that he could take a lover and she could not.
“I choose you now” she said.
Always and forever, she had little doubt about that.
“And I choose you.”
He still had his back to her, did not turn around to face her. Therefore he could not see the small smile that appeared on her face when she heard his words.