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The aftermath is unbelievably painful. Hide had no idea he could feel this bad, like he's a raw wound on two legs, and for every inch he heals there's something else to tear him open again, slice right down to bone. A book lovingly tucked in the corner of his untidy bookshelf, when Kaneki spent the night. A voicemail he never deleted, the onetime Kaneki had sighed an “I love you too” to his declaration, oblivious to its truth. Bits and pieces of memories that he will always, always remember his best friend with.
_
Hide remembers running inside a room guarded by Arima Kishou, remembers ignoring his father’s warnings and then bringing the single person lying inside into a crushing hug. He remembers a thousand thought running inside his brain, his mouth opening to let them all out when he feels the body against him tense like a string.
He lets himself be pushed away, because Kaneki is trembling and even without those bandages Hide can imagine just how terrified those grey eyes would be.
“Who are you?”
Hide heard his breath catch, caught a hundred jumbled thoughts before there was only one, laced with pain, matched in his words. “You… don’t remember me?”
Kaneki shook his head, and the last thing he could remember was him slowly closing the door, ever so silently, and backing away from it as if he had just seen the apocalypse happen at its other side. Which was weird, because it really did feel like the world ended there and then.
_
When Hide sees Akira before he leaves for Germany, she had looked as though an entire part of her was gone, some vital organ or a limb, like she'd never be whole again.
Hide remembers the list of casualties carefully hidden in a folder from his father’s desk, and reminds himself that there are, in fact, love stories more tragic than his own.
_
He’s sprawled carelessly on the hospital bed after an academy immersion gone bad. He is one of his class’ ten remaining survivors, with the other twenty-three in the morgue alongside the headless CCG officer that was supposed to be accompanying them.
Hide himself has three of his ribs broken, and he just finished a phone call from his dad.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to book a plane?” Yoshitoki asked, and Hide laughed as loud as he could so it wouldn’t be so silent inside the privacy of his room.
“Jeez, Dad, I’ll be fine on my own.”
The only person he wanted to be here with him was the only person who couldn’t be.
_
There are times when Hide dreams of Anteiku. He is sitting on a barstool, and Kaneki is behind the counter. They talk, sometimes of a book Kaneki had recently bought, sometimes of a gossip Hide had overheard. During those dreams Hide wakes up with tears rolling down his face and a sad smile on his face.
More often than not, Hide dreams of Kamishiro Rize sauntering through the doors of Anteiku with blood on her lips and his best friend nowhere to be found. Hide knows, and he rushes towards the ghoul with murder screaming in his veins.
“What an interesting twist.” Rize giggles despite the knife Hide is suddenly holding against her neck. “Humans don’t kill for their friends. Not even their best friends.”
To which Hide’s dream-self would counter, “Maybe I just hate you.”
“Or maybe”, Rize would singsong, so different from when Hide himself does it, so airy and knowing and ominous, “just maybe, someone here is a little bit in love.”
On those dreams, Hide wakes up vomiting.
_
Falling in love isn't like other people say; it's not as though you see someone across the street and your whole world changes. It's not like someone says something sweet and you melt, madly in love with them. No. It's slow, creeping up on you, a shy smile, a sarcastic remark, a significant gift on Christmas eve. The littlest moments seep into your skin, wrapping around your heart when you're not paying attention.
He knows he’s in love with him in the winter of their 3rd year in middle school.
It comes to him as silent as a creeping spider, slowly, gently, making a home in his heart. It comes without the explosion or the fanfare he had heard about love. It comes when Kaneki laughs and picks the books that had fallen off his head before the librarian of their school descends upon them with the promise of a suspension on her eyes.
_
Hide graduates at the top of his class. He has his whole life in front of him and he doesn’t know if Kaneki Ken will ever be a part of it again.
_
“Girlfriend?”
Hide looks up from the old photograph he’s holding, grinning brightly when he spots his immediate superior. They’re going inside a building suspected to be the headquarters of a particularly nasty ghoul within five minutes, and Hide and his squad are armed to the teeth.
“Man, I wish!” He laughs.
The head of his squad snorts. “Could’ve fooled me. Don’t worry little puppy, we’ll make sure to get you back to Japan in one piece.”
Hide scrunches his face at the ridiculous nickname his whole squad has branded him since day one, and his show of disgust brings amusement to the otherwise tense atmosphere.
They’re laughing so much that they miss the way Hide trails a single finger on the photograph before tucking it inside his jacket.
_
He knows he’s good at his job. Everyone tells him that he’s going to make his father proud, that he’ll probably surpass his older brother one day, or that his grandfather position will be his one day.
Everyone claps him on the back and says, “Good work, Washuu!” Nobody ever says his name anymore. He kinda wishes he was still a Nagachika.
_
Every December, he’d toss a coin high up into the air. If it turns up heads, he’ll go to the mall and ask them to wrap the gift up for him because he always does his messily, and then ask his dad if he can deliver it for him. If it’s tails, he’ll chuck the book in the back of his dresser, never to see the light of the day for the rest of the year until December rolls again.
Three years and tries later, the coin finally turns up heads.
_
Hide doesn’t even realize he’s been hurt again in the fight until his subordinate’s hand comes away from his back smeared with blood, and, as things begin to go dim and out of focus, as all the colors and light in the room bleed together and fade in a sickening swirl towards darkness, it occurs to him that adrenaline really can be a double-edged blade, considering how much of the body’s reality it can obscure.
_
He lives simply for the next chance to see his best friend again.
_
Hide is going to see him again. It took him four years and two promotions, and he likes to think that it’s because he’s a great ghoul investigator and not because of his last name, but he’s going to see Kaneki again so it doesn’t really matter.
There’s a real smile steadily crawling across his face, and his amazing, great and awesome father can only sigh at him through the phone.
“You’re going to Japan to do your job, you know.” Yoshitoki cuts across the indecipherable dolphin noises Hide is making, trying to sound stern. But Hide can practically see the amused smile on his dad’s face, so. “This is a serious matter.”
He tries to sober up, because Hide can read between the lines and by the looks of things shit’s going to hit the fan sooner rather than later, but his dad finally gave him blanket permission to go back home and there’s no fighting the giddy teenage girl inside him.
“Yep. Business. Special Class Hideyoshi is coming to rock Tokyo and kick some bad ghoul butt, not to worry daddy-o, I am perfectly completely serious. You can count on me.”
“Right.” His dad dryly says.
“Tell my dearest big bro that I miss him so much and I can’t wait to see his gorgeous grumpy self!” Hide carols and ends the call before he can destroy his father’s eardrums by the loud racket he’s making.
_
He doesn’t go straight towards headquarters when his plane lands on Japanese soil. Instead Hide goes to the flower shop and buys the biggest bouquet of sunflowers available before taking a cab towards the cemetery.
“Hey, mom.” He smiles, plopping himself in front of a tombstone, suit and briefcase and all. He gently placed the sunflowers in front of him. “I brought your favourite.”
_
“Hide. You’re here.”
He smiles warmly at his dad, glad that they’re inside his office than outside or else all he’d get was a simple nod than an actual hug.
“Sorry I was late, I made a little detour.” Hide sheepishly said after settling himself on a chair and getting out of his stuffy jacket.
“I know.” Yoshitoki smiled knowingly, and Hide saw his dad looking pointedly at the grass stains on his shoes and pants. Man, he had to get his Sherlock-shit from somewhere yeah? “I’m surprised you didn’t decide to just visit HQ tomorrow.”
“I’m surprised you let me visit Japan at all.” Hide throws back. “What’s going on, dad?”
_
“Why doesn’t he know me?”
Yoshitoki sighed wearily from his spot on Hide’s bedside. “It was… An unexpected setback. But a blessing in disguise.”
“What the hell –“
“Integrating your friend in CCG will work better this way.” He cuts Hide off. “Tabula rasa. What he needs is a new life. Isn’t this what you wanted for him?”
The breath hitches from Hide’s throat. He wanted Kaneki safe, he just didn’t imagine that his best friend would have to lose his memory in the process. He remembers the time they’ve spent, the memories they’ve amassed, all the laughter and happiness they’ve experienced, and imagines them disappearing into a black hole.
Hide thinks about how something so beautiful and protected got buried just like that, never to be spoken about again, and wonders, how is it possible to save someone and lose them at the same time?
“Yeah.” Hide says hoarsely. “Yeah, but –“
“He must not remember.” Yoshitoki says firmly, but kindly, and Hide fights back a flinch.
Two days later, he’s on a plane bound for Germany.
_
“I summoned you here because Aogiri Tree is getting restless.” Yoshitoki bluntly said. “I called your older brother to Japan for exactly the same reason, but I’m starting to think that we need the entire family here to face this threat.”
“I heard that Matsuri’s doing a pretty good job himself, getting promoted and all.” Hide shrugged. “I don’t see the reason why I’m here.”
“The last raid the CCG had against the Aogiri was successful, but that wouldn’t be enough to stop them.” Yoshitoki leaned forward in his desk, lacing his fingers together. “Since you already pointed us to one of Aogiri’s hideout three years ago, I want you to do it again. And this time, I want you to find all of it.”
Hide straightened in his seat, finally getting interested. “You do know that me finding about that one was out of pure dumb luck.” And because of sheer desperation in finding his kidnapped best friend, but his dad already knew that.
“You found out because you’re smart, resourceful, and you did it while untrained.” Yoshitoki allowed a proud smile to grace face, and Hide preened. “As a fully qualified ghoul investigator, I dare say you’ll do more damage than last time.”
“But that’s not all, is it?” he asks, eyebrows furrowed. Hide feels that there’s more to this summoning than what his dad is saying.
Yoshitoki gave a wry smile. “Of course not. Hide, when was the last time you saw your best friend?”
And here was the kicker. “Four years.”
“And what was the color of his hair?”
What the hell? “Uh, white. But I saw his picture during the last mass promotion you did, and it was black and white.”
“Well.” Yoshitoki leaned back, “after the operation we did to apprehend the whole of the Tsukiyama family, Sasaki Haise’s hair is black again.”
Hide dimly remembers about hearing the news about the Tsukiyama family, who were very influential in Tokyo, being all ghouls back at Germany, but his mind was rewinding the news about Kaneki’s hair color.
Now, he didn’t know the intricacies of the Marie Antoinette syndrome, but he’s read enough about it in the internet to draw his own conclusion.
“Wait a minute.” Hide held up his hands, feeling his eyebrows rise. “Are you telling me that –“
“He’s starting to remember.”
Hide’s finding it hard to swallow the lump in his throat, because even though he’s elated, there’s a reason why his dad shipped him off halfway across the world before his best friend could even regain his sight.
“You’re… not going to hurt him, are you?”
Yoshitoki stared steadily back at him, probably seeing how Hide was already thinking about a plan if he said yes, before sighing. “Of course not, Hide. Sasaki is an important member of the CCG – we wouldn’t do anything bad to one of us.”
“But not everyone thinks that.” Hide frowned. “And if he really is starting to remember, why did you send me here? I thought the whole point of me staying at Germany is that I wouldn’t trigger any memories.”
“That’s actually what we want you to do.”
He stared blankly at his father. “What.”
“We know he’s remembering some of his memories, but not all of it. If he does, then we want to know where his allegiance actually lies. The sooner, the better.”
Hide finally caught up. “And what better way to jog his memory than a piece of his past.”
_
There’s going to be a massive meeting to announce Operation Downfall – Hide is very proud of the codename he made – and he is not freaking out. Yoshitoki is going to lead the whole operation on behalf of Division II, and directly below him is Hide, his brother, and Marude.
It’s going to be a large scale operation, the kind that holds back no funds and manpower, and every single able-bodied investigator with the rank of First Class and above will be in attendance.
Hide is very much freaking out.
“Settle down.” Matsuri Washu barks at him, eyes narrowed.
They’re sitting front row center at the head table, with a massive plasma screen right behind them. There are four chairs at the place of honour, two of which are already being occupied by him and his brother. Yoshitoki and Marude are nowhere to be seen, but the biggest conference room of CCG is slowly being occupied by those investigators who were invited, and more than one curious look has already been aimed at Hide.
“Sorry, sorry,” Hide meekly says, but his older brother only frowns at him more before looking back at his tab to read the details of the operation.
Hide is very much uncomfortable at the looks he keep on getting, so he leaves his brother at the head table so he can scamper towards the exit and make himself scarce. He breathes a sigh of relief after he leaves the conference room, leaning back against the wall where the entrance to the room is located. God, why did he even agree to this.
There’s a steady stream of people going inside, and Hide makes sure that he’s not blocking anyone’s way when he catches sight of a very surprised but still gorgeous Mado Akira.
Before he knows it, Hide has a full blown smile on his face, and he’s making a beeline towards one of his favourite ghoul investigators, arms outstretched. “Akira-saaaaaaaan!”
Hide’s only an arm away from the woman when Akira nonchalantly brings up a hand, probably meant to give him a very painful chop to the head, but he neatly sidesteps the attack so he can tackle the woman and bring her into a hug so enthusiastic her heels leave the ground.
“Oh, man,” Hide bellows right on her ear, shaking her and then twirling her around for good measure, “it’s so good to see you again!
He gets a pinch on the side for that, but when Hide releases her from the hug Akira is smirking. He takes that as a good sign. “Yo, Akira-san!” He salutes, grinning.
“Hello, Washuu.” Akira calmly replies, leaning back to look at him properly and crossing her arms. “How was Germany?”
“Cold.” Hide honestly says, and it earns him a small smile. “You’ve gotten more beautiful, Akira-san. Didja miss me?”
Before Akira could reply, there’s another voice yelling his name. When he looks to his left, Hide briefly sees a head of black before there’s someone wildly swinging his hands. “Hide! You’re back!”
“Juuzou-san?” Hide says, and after getting a nod, raises his knuckle so they can both do a fist-bump. “Hey, long time no see!”
“So are you back because of the big meeting or because of something else?” Juuzou eagerly asks, and Hide mentally thanks how Shinohara’s teachings about tact were somehow retained.
“A little bit of both, actually.” Hide replies, and then lets out a wince when he feels someone slap him on the back of the head. “Ow!”
“You’re making a scene, keep it down.” It’s Marude himself, looking like his normal frowny self, and beside him is Hide’s very amused father.
Hide can see that some investigators had stopped in their tracks to look bewilderingly at the strange tableau, mentally chastising himself about how he’s being so excited at seeing his past friends, when he spots a pair of grey eyes blinking back at him.
_
There wasn't any way to anticipate the slam of blood stopping in his veins. He felt his heart lurch with enough intensity that it felt like it was taking up the entire space in his chest, watching the way those eyes finally meet his after a distance of four years and ashes.
He had missed him every single day of those four years.
_
Hide feels the meaningful looks that his father, Marude and Akira are sharing behind his back. But Juuzou, whose line of reasoning was something Hide respected but still scrambled to follow at, was suddenly grinning.
“Oi, Sasaki, come here and let me introduce you to someone!”
Before anyone could stop anything Sasaki Haise is making his way towards him, and Hide is not prepared, in any way, shape or form, for this.
_
He looked exactly the same: an unyielding mass of strong, straight lines, chiselled cheek and jaw, stalwart spine and solid chest, tempered here and there by unexpected gentleness, soft rosy lips and gently curved brows, rounded shoulders, wide eyes fringed by dark, curling lashes.
He was as beautiful as the day Hide lost him, back in those sewers.
_
Hide is careful to wipe his face clean of any emotions, settling for his default one – grinning, eyes closed – before the man can get close enough to wonder why his smile looks a little bit on the broken side.
Kane – Sasaki walks a bit closer to them, and Hide sees the group he must have been with before Juuzou called him over. The Q’s, his mind supplies, and a part of him is sad because these teenagers had been desperate enough to willingly become the ones they’ve sworn to hunt down.
“Juuzou-san?”
And there he was. With the sunlight illuminating him from behind - and it would be, wouldn't it? - lighting up his dark hair and putting his curious eyes into shadows. Sasaki’s eyes meet those of Yoshitoki, Marude and Akira’s, before settling back to his face.
“This is Hide.” Juuzou says, waving a careless hand in Hide’s direction. “He just got back from Germany, so he’s gonna need some friends around here and I think you’ll be perfect for the job. Did you know he was our delivery boy before?”
Hide kinda wants to bash his head on a wall. Repeatedly. He catches on what Juuzou’s saying though, and he thankfully goes back to their easy rapport.
“Man, you make me sound so needy, Juuzou-san.” He says, rubbing the back of his head, before finally looking at Sasaki head on.
Sasaki looks confused, head tilted to the side, and goddamn Hide’s heart shouldn’t be hurting like this. “You were a delivery boy?”
“A long time ago,” Hide shrugs, aiming for cool and probably failing, mentally whacking himself in the head multiple times. A long time ago, that’s the best he can come up with? What the fuck? “I wanted to join CCG without attracting too much attention, so what better way than to deliver their stuff?”
What he said wasn’t particularly charming, but it must have been funny, because next thing he knows Sasaki is offering him his hand and smiled, and it was the brilliant, shy smile that he knew so well, had spent the last years without. It was heart-shatteringly familiar.
With the sun behind him, Haise says, “Hello, Hide, I’m Sasaki Haise,” and suddenly Hide feels like he’s breathing for the first time in four years.
“Hey,” he says, accepting the handshake, smile turning soft and just shy of bereft. I’ve missed you.
_
With Kaneki’s calloused fingers between his own, Hide finally felt at home.
_