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Inu-oh sat down onto the grass, letting out a long sigh of exertion as he did. Despite having been so athletic all his life, a two week hike to another town on the other side of the country followed by a long trek to the nearby cemetery was a little too much for his old bones to handle. He felt the dampness of the morning dew soak slightly into his clothes, and he heard birdsong grow louder as sparrows drew closer to him.
“It’s nice to finally be here,” he said under his breath. “I’m sorry it’s been a while. It’s a long journey and this is the first time they’ve given me enough time off to take it.”
He leaned forward to brush his hands across the rectangular cut stone before him.
“I’m glad to see your hometown for the first time, though!” He reached into his bag to take out the offerings he had brought with him. “Although, it’s a shame you can’t show me around.” He leaned in closer. “Maybe you can whisper to me all the best spots to visit. I won’t tell anyone you did, I swear.”
He smiled briefly before the corners of his lips quickly fell again.
“You know, we never spoke of it, but you must have had some idea as to which of us would go first.”
A breeze swept through the grassy clearing, sending chills across Inu-oh’s body.
“I always thought it would be me.”
His gaze fell away, “Not out of some belief that I would be so reckless, though that was part of it, it was just because I simply couldn’t imagine a life without you.”
“Even now,” he whispered, his wrinkled hands holding onto one another, “I think about you so much that it doesn’t feel like you’re gone. It’s like you’ve just been in some other town for a long time, and all I have to do is wait until you come home.”
He turned his eyes forward again, his voice gaining more momentum. “I can’t even bring myself to say that I loved you. Because I didn’t. I love you, right now, not in the past. How can I talk about my love as if it’s behind me? As if every single day I don’t wake up and live a life I wouldn’t have ever imagined if it wasn’t for you.”
“I don’t get to perform for very many people now, but the people who do see me like what I do.” He laughed, but not because anything was particularly funny, his breath just needed some place to go. “How was I supposed to have achieved that without the first person to ever be in my audience? The things I do because you taught them to me so many years ago… the way I comb my hair, the way I put on my makeup, the way I hide myself and talk to others like a normal person when the situation calls for it… all of that I learned from watching you.”
His words stopped as one sparrow landed atop his shoulder, before he turned to continue.
“As such, how could I have ever loved another when I still love you? My heart isn’t big enough for two people. I’ve tried, I’ve tried to rid this loneliness I have by seeking others, but it never worked. They always asked for too much. They never knew who I really am, and how could they? I wasn't going to tell them, and they hadn’t known me long enough to see it.”
He sighed. “Now I’m much too old to even try.”
Silence lay across the cemetery for a long time. There were no spirits here, and if there were, they weren’t the type to want to talk.
“I still haven’t gotten used to the cold,” Inu-oh interrupted. “I thought, on the day when I learned I’d never see you again, that the nights would be the easiest part. Because then, I wouldn’t have to think about how much I miss you. If I got lucky I’d even get to dream about you. But, I was completely wrong. That first night was the first time I had ever slept alone in my entire life.”
As if on cue, the cold winds rushed past again. Inu-oh wrapped his coat tighter around himself. “When I was little, even though I was forced to sleep outside even in rain or snow, I still had the dogs. Do you remember what I said the first time we slept together? When I got to be in a real bed for once?”
No answer.
“I said it was warm. That’s what stood out to me most.”
Inu-oh’s arms drew close around himself.
“I miss the feeling of your arms wrapped around me. If I had you back for even a moment that’s what I’d ask you to do: to hold me so tightly in that way only you could ever do to me.”
“If you were here…” he smiled at the thought, “I’d be shameless in what I wanted. Completely, unrepentantly, embarrassingly, I’d beg you to embrace me with every part of your being. And you’d do it too, wouldn’t you? Even though I betrayed you so badly, you’d still love me, wouldn’t you? You’d hold me and kiss me and make love to me just like you used to. Do you have any idea how much I miss sex with you? Because I do more than I thought I would.”
Inu-oh’s grin grew wider as his imagination took over. “But then after that, I’d feel like we wasted the day by just clinging onto one another the whole time. I’d have to keep you for one more day after that, and we’d head out and find all our old band mates and friends. I don’t know how many are still alive, but with your help, I’m sure we could find everyone. Then we’d have a big party, just like we used to, with as much music and dancing as anyone would like.”
He leaned forward on his knees, drawing his face closer to the grave. “But even then, the next day, I still wouldn’t be able to let you go. I’d have to keep you for one more day because I’d want to keep talking with you. Do you remember when we were kids and we’d spend all day running around in the woods or going on long journeys to nowhere in particular, just talking and getting to know each other? We haven’t done that in so long. I want to go exploring with you again, there’s still so much out there just for us.”
“But then, obviously, I’d have to keep you for another day after that. You and I would both believe that we weren’t being very productive; that we didn’t get to do what’s really important! We’d find some place to hide away together and write more songs than anyone could count. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? We’d talk for hours and hours about ideas for performances, even if we never got the opportunity to actually do them. I would do anything if it meant I got to hear you playing again.”
Just then, his mind had caught up with his body. “But after that I’d be so tired. Four straight days of nonstop fun? That’s a little too much for anyone to handle, especially an old man like me. I’d need keep you for another day, and we’d just sleep by each other’s side. The dogs are… well, it’s been quite a number of years, you can assume where the dogs you knew are by now. But, in this scenario if I’m getting you back to this world, I can get them back too. We’d all pile in together, nice and warm, just like we always did.”
Inu-oh’s eyes began to water, but only from the cold. “And then… well, how could I let you go after all that? When I would wake up the next morning, when spirits would start clawing at the door, telling me it’s time to give up, that I’d already been given so many more days than I’m supposed to have… I’d simply hold you even tighter. I’d whisper to you that you have nothing to fear. That I’d protect you like I was supposed to all those years ago, and you could go back to sleep in my arms without a care in the world.”
A few strands of Inu-oh’s hair began to fall away from the tie it had been held in. “What would you even look like?” he asked as he pushed it back behind his ear. “Forgive me for sounding so superficial but you know how much I always liked to look at you. You were so cute for the entire time I’d known you, so there’s no doubt in my mind that you would have continued to be beautiful. With silver streaks in your hair, lines on your face making your already narrow eyes all that much narrower, and even worse teeth than ever. Just wonderful. You would have looked better than me, at least, though then again, that was always the case.”
The wind continued in the opposite direction, this time wafting in the smell of the nearby ocean. “It’s at times like this when I wish I could have met your parents. I got to talk to a few people in town before coming up here, and a few people even remembered you and your family from way back when. Isn’t that amazing? Though, you probably would have been embarrassed by it, knowing you.”
“A few of them offhandedly mentioned how you almost entirely took after your mother. Would you have just ended up looking even more like her when you became her age? I wouldn’t be able to tell, but it’s something to consider.” Inu-oh let out a long breath. “It’s strange to think I’m older than she was when she died.”
Inu-oh closed his eyes and leaned back on his hands, letting his head point up towards the sky. “I had assumed your hometown would be different. I guess you were right in leaving, this place is really nothing like you. It’s the same as when I would visit the temple to hear the biwa there, thinking it would bring me closer to you. There can be others from the same hometown, or play the same instrument, but they can never be anything like you. No one is that ambitious, that captivating, that irresistible. You were a once in a lifetime kind of person. I have no clue how you grew up to be the way you were after being raised in a simple place like this.”
A tear fell down his face. “I’m sorry it’s taking so long for me to join you, I’ve just had some important things to take care of first. The shogun’s rules are absolute but as times change and politics shift, those rules have loosened, just slightly. I’ve even been able to talk about our old songs again, although briefly.”
Another tear joined the first. “They’re going to remember you. Everyone will, I’ll make sure of it. We were the greatest, most exciting band to ever grace this world and they can’t just act like nothing ever happened. I’m the most adored performer in the palace right now and I’ll do everything in my power to put us in every historical record I can before I’m gone, just you wait. The legacy of us and the stories we told will last forever."
The tears threatened to overpower him, and Inu-oh let them, even if it was only briefly. He was always surprised whenever he discovered he still had tears left to cry.
His hands wiped across his face. “I don’t think I have much time left. This might even be my last year. It’s just gotten harder and harder to get up every morning, but I’m not afraid at all. I’ll be able to see you again soon.”
Inu-oh adjusted himself, laying down onto the cold, wet dirt. “I’m sorry for assuming you still love me. It’s ok if you want nothing to do with me anymore, especially after what I’ve done. But please, please consider giving me another chance.”
He let out one last sob as he felt the ground beneath him feel softer and softer. “I promise I’ll love you just like how I did when we first met. I’ll be so excited to see your face again, even though I’ve mostly forgotten what it looked like, that all this grief will have felt like a bad dream. I’ll finally get to hear your voice, even if it’s you screaming about how you’ll never forgive me. That would hurt, but at least it would be something.”
His eyes grew heavy. “You don’t mind if I sleep here, do you? I don’t want to intrude. The wind is just so cold and the ground here is just so warm…”
No response.
“You’re so quiet,” Inu-oh whispered.
His eyes drew to a close. The sparrow hopped about, picking at loose threads on the man’s clothes. The wind continued to rush past, not caring who or what was before it.