Chapter Text
Barba took a deep breath and cast a small smile up at the bright blue sky, it would be several more weeks until the balmy summer heat arrived in New York but the seasonal change had taken the biting chill out of the air and for the first time in months he’d ventured out of his apartment in nothing but a sweater and jacket. After months of thick overcoats and hunched shoulders, he finally felt like he could exhale.
There was a slight bounce in his step as Barba ascended to the entrance of the art centre, he was excited at the prospect of seeing his young friend in his show, excited to see him in general but also thrilled to hear that his interests had moved on from baseball and landed firmly in a love of the arts. This was an interest he could share, and a passion that he knew could bring Noah joy.
He hated that his visit felt somewhat cloak and dagger, he felt almost certain that if he’d contacted Olivia himself and told her that he wanted to attend the show she would have been welcoming. Her continued silence could only lead him to assume that she was still angry with him…but he knew that she couldn't possibly consider him to be either a threat or a bad influence, and no matter what was between them she always put her son first.
However, despite this knowledge, Barba didn’t feel comfortable pushing himself back into her life. He’d made his choice, he’d told her that the ball was in her court, and now he had no choice but to give her space to decide when she was ready to move forward.
If she would ever be ready to move forward...
Despite the warmer weather Barba shuddered at this thought, briefly allowing himself to wonder how long he would be left in purgatory.
Barba purchased a show program, then immediately flicked through and smiled when his eyes quickly landed on Noah’s name. He was so proud that tears briefly glimmered in his eyes. Missing this show hadn’t even been an option.
He glanced around, and despite deciding to check in with Carisi to confirm which performances Olivia planned to attend, he suddenly felt her presence. He brushed off the thought and guessed his paranoia was the result of thinking about Noah, then he walked toward the main house and along to his row.
An elderly couple stood to let him pass, he smiled politely as he edged along to his seat, then looked around at the chattering and excited audience as he slipped off his jacket and then sat.
“Here to see family?” The gentleman sitting next to him asked with an engaging smile.
“Don’t be such an old busybody,” An English lady, whom Barba presumed to be the man's wife, chided him lightly.
Barba chuckled at the woman’s teasing. “The son of a good friend,” he replied with a smile, which abruptly faded a little when he couldn’t help but wonder if he could still honestly describe himself as a friend.
“One of our younger talents?” The man replied brightly. “How lovely. Can I ask his name? I retired from the faculty here several years ago, but my granddaughter still teaches dance and I’ve been invited to sit in on several of her classes.”
“Noah Porter-Benson,” Barba told him.
The man’s eyes brightened with recognition and nodded. “Master Benson,” he said with a tone of admiration, “…a natural talent, with a lot of hard work he could have quite a future.”
Barba smiled, delighted and proud by this unsolicited review. “He is an exceptional young man,” he replied, “…a good boy too.”
“That's nice to hear, I’m always eager to champion talent but even more so when that talent is complimented with good character,” the man nodded thoughtfully.
Barba saw movement at the end of their row and looked up to see an unexpected arrival who was moving to sit at the edge of the aisle. “Liv?” He said automatically and then almost regretted speaking when she looked over at him with something close to alarm.
“Barba?” Olivia’s eyebrows rose sharply. “What are you doing here?”
He winced at the chill in her voice. “I wanted to see Noah. I checked in with Carisi...Amanda told him that you were planning to work this afternoon.”
The lady interrupted the slightly tense exchange. “Please, let us move down so that you can sit together.”
The lady spoke so warmly and her husband was quick to stand and move to let Olivia by, but Barba’s heart cracked open a little further as he recognised the reluctance in his old friend’s eyes as she politely accepted their offer and moved to sit next to him.
“I’m…I guess I’m sorry. I could leave?” His voice trailed off a little, feeling physically sick at the thought of being turned away.
“You’re here now…” Olivia paused and after seeing the pain on her friend’s face she immediately regretted being so sharp, “…Noah will be happy to see you.”
She shook her head and sighed, for a brief moment she had wondered whether Barba was using Noah’s show as an opportunity to talk to her, but how could she have even considered that? Her old friend had never been anything less than completely honest with her, and despite his reputation in the courtroom Rafael Barba didn’t play games in his personal life…and he had certainly never played games with her.
Barba shifted in his seat, he was obviously still feeling uncomfortable.
“Rafa, forget it,” Olivia added in the hope of making him feel less awkward, “…hell, Carisi and Rollins probably set this up intentionally, they’ve always been ‘Team Barba’.”
“Liv, I’ve never thought of us as anything other than on the same team,” he told her sincerely.
Olivia looked away in an attempt to hide the unexpected tears which had welled in her eyes. Then the lights suddenly dropped as music filled the room.
Why did this have to be so fucking hard? She thought with frustration.
The instantly recognisable instrumental music from Oliver! filled the auditorium and they both worked hard to focus their attention on the stage. Barba looked back to the show program, which was still held open in his lap, Noah was down amongst the group of Fagin’s Boys but he knew from Carisi that his big moment was a solo dance, which had been especially choreographed into the show.
The set was effective, and the performances were excellent, but Barba would admit that his thoughts did occasionally drift back to Olivia…that is until Noah finally came onstage.
He’d grown so much, Barba thought sadly. Intellectually he knew that he’d missed a lot of time and that boys of Noah’s age grew quickly, but it was only in seeing him now that he realised just how much time he had missed.
Olivia felt movement to her left and glanced to see her old friend quickly swipe at his eye. He watched her son with proud intensity mixed with what she could only describe as regret. Her breath caught at the sadness she saw glowing in his eyes. The unintended victim of the anger she had felt toward Barba had been her son. She had inadvertently been denying Noah something invaluable, a relationship with his beloved Uncle Rafa.
She closed her eyes for a moment as her son vanished off stage, then took a slow steady breath in an attempt to control her emotions…but she only breathed in the once-familiar scent of Barba’s cologne and in a further moment of clarity realised how much she had been denying them both.
Carisi’s words came back to her, his vehement insistence that in representing Wheatley, Rafael had been trying to protect her. She was still angry with him, but the realisation suddenly dawned on her Barba had also lost both their friendship and his relationship with Noah.
COVID-19 had taken so much away, she knew that time apart had damaged their friendship and created a distance between them. Then when Elliot had returned it had felt so easy to drift back into the familiar rhythms of their previous relationship…much easier than working through the growing distance she had felt from Barba.
Olivia had taken the path of least resistance and allowed her walls to smoothly fall back into place - tricking herself into believing that cutting Barba out of her life would be the best choice for everyone.
Olivia had watched the shock in his eyes, the pain she was causing, but she had seemed powerless to do anything but walk away.
Rafael Barba didn’t let many people in, he so rarely allowed people into his heart…and Olivia realised now how much that vulnerability had cost him.
Her eyes automatically blinked open as the music started at the beginning of ‘You’ve Got To Pick a Pocket Or Two’, the number that included Noah’s dance.
During a pause in the song, Olivia watched with pride as her very own pickpocket moved to the front of the stage for his solo dance. She couldn’t help but glance over at Barba, who she saw watching her son with a broad smile.
Olivia reflected that she could have invited him to come to the show. She was suddenly struggling to remember why that hadn’t seemed to be a good idea…
All those years working together, she’d known Rafael for almost as long as she’d known Elliot at this point. He had earned her trust over and over again, but in the heat of the trial, she had somehow forgotten that his word should have been enough.
Olivia watched the end of her son's dance and beamed with pride as he held his pose and the whole house burst into spontaneous applause, just as they had the previous night. She caught her son’s searching gaze and then saw the exact moment that her boy’s eyes lit up at the sight of his Uncle Rafa in the audience.
She knew what this would mean to Noah and felt a pang of pain mixed with guilt when she realised that she really should have invited him to be there.
Without allowing herself to overthink, Olivia leaned over and spoke quietly into Barba’s ear. “Noah is going out for a meal with the cast before the final evening performance, so I have a little time this afternoon...if you’re free? Maybe we could get something to eat and…talk?”
She watched Barba swallow hard and then turn to meet her eyes. “Yes. I mean, that sounds…good,” he agreed easily.
She smiled with relief and glanced up at the stage as the next scene began.
“I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable when I arrived, Rafa…it is good to see you,” she added quickly and then turned her attention back to the show.
Barba let out a slow breath and closed his eyes in relief, maybe the warmth he was starting to feel was light at the end of the tunnel.
tbc...