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Gorgug spends the rest of the day in a daze. He'd had a good plan for the day and for the year, and he'd been excited to start multi-classing. He'd finally found something that really clicked with him, and he'd been raging in a way that worked for him. And yeah, he's tired of being out on the road constantly saving the world, but he's so happy with how the solar lasso turned out and Chloe is pretty cool, even if he's not so happy with what he accidentally named her. He's very grateful for the packet of options Riz compiled for him. He likes having all his options listed out for him in a nice list. It helps him figure out what he's supposed to do next. So things were looking pretty good so far.
Then he opens the envelope and sees the rejection form. He didn't even know that was a thing that existed until he was holding it. He takes a deep breath. He just has to talk to Porter about this. His parents always say, "When in doubt, talk things out!", and he just has to trust their advice. Things will be okay. He can figure this out.
But Porter looks at him with that expression of disappointment and talks in that way that makes Gorgug feel very small and unsure of himself and the thing he knew two minutes ago was exactly what he wanted. In his head, he had the perfect plan and knew what he wanted to say, but as soon as he opens his mouth he trips over his words and Porter just keeps looking at him like he's failed completely. Gorgug doesn't understand what he's done wrong. He got good grades. He rages. He does what he's supposed to as a barbarian. But Porter makes something guilty and ashamed well up in his stomach for wanting to be an artificer too. He doesn't understand why he can't be both. Clearly, though, he's doing something wrong here. Because Porter is strict, yeah, but he's the one who's teaching the class so he must know something Gorgug doesn't about being a barbarian. And maybe he's right. Maybe it's stupid, trying to balance being an artificer and a barbarian. He knows he's not meant to be just an artificer. He likes being a barbarian, likes raging, likes zoning out to music and protecting his friends. And he thought that he could do that as an artificer too.
He ends up by the stairs, curled up in the gap between the steps and the wall with his headphones blaring. He should go to his next class, but he can't make himself move. His usual hoodie is in the wash and this one just doesn't feel right on his skin. He chews on one of the strings of his hoodie until it snaps, Chloe cooing and nuzzling against his neck. Embarrassingly, that's his breaking point. He doesn't even go into a rage, is the most pathetic thing. He just starts crying, big heaving sobs that make his shoulders shake and his heart rattle in his chest. He's not even really sad, is the thing. He just feels like it's too much, and the hoodie string was the final straw.
There's a tug on his hoodie, and a soft voice asking, "Gorgug?"
He looks up. Riz and Adaine are looking at him, Riz's eyes darting around like they did when Kalina was watching them and Adaine's brow furrowed with concern.
"You okay?" Riz asks, taking a small step forward. "What happened? Was it Kipperlilly, did she say something?"
The barrage of questions throws Gorgug and he just shrugs miserably. He's not sure he can talk right now, with his brain all tangled up and wrong. Because apparently he's been doing it all wrong and no one told him. Fresh tears well up and he scrubs at his face, embarrassed even though his parents and Jawbone have told him over and over that there's nothing wrong with crying. But, he also thinks, Porter probably wouldn't think that way. Has he really been failing at the one thing he thought he was doing pretty okay at so far? Chloe bites his ear and he flinches, realizing that he hasn't answered Riz. He digs his nails into his forearms and shrugs again.
"Are you okay?" Riz asks again quietly.
He shakes his head after a moment. At some point Riz had snuck up next to him, close but not touching. Adaine exchanges a look with Riz, then sits down on Gorgug's other side. They both sit there without touching him, something Gorgug distantly appreciates.
"Can I touch you?" Adaine asks.
Gorgug thinks about it, then nods. Adaine puts her hand gently on his arm and Riz settles gently against his side. Gorgug sags against the wall, suddenly very tired.
"Can you tell us what's wrong?" she asks.
He clears his throat, but nothing comes out. He shrugs miserably. Adaine nods, making a soothing noise, and Riz wordlessly hands him a legal pad and a pen.
"I keep them with me," he says awkwardly, tail twitching, "Just in case."
Gorgug bobs his head in thanks, clicking the pen a few times because the noise is soothing. Then he writes, Porter denied my application. Said he didn't see me performing well enough to allow it.
He shows them the pad, and Riz makes an outraged noise. He splutters, "That's, that's so-"
"-bullshit," Adaine finishes for him. "Complete and utter bullshit!"
"We saved the world, three times," Riz says, "What complaints could he possibly have?"
Gorgug scribbles quickly, Thinks I don't get angry enough.
"But you rage all the time," Riz points out.
I'm doing it the wrong way, Gorgug argues, I'm not angry. I zone out and listen to music or I wanna protect you guys.
"What's wrong with wanting to protect us?" Adaine says. "I punched my dad so hard he died because I wanted to make sure he wouldn't hurt me or Aelwyn ever again. Sure, I hated him, but in the moment it was more about protecting myself and her than it was beating his ass."
"As long as you rage, who cares where you get it from," Riz agrees. "I'm sure I can figure out some loophole or some way around this," he says, already opening his laptop. "We'll figure this out, don't worry."
Gorgug nods, chewing on his other hoodie string. Adaine snaps her fingers in his face and hands him something soft and rubbery from her jacket.
"It's a chew stim," she explains, "Extra tough, so your tusks won't chew through it immediately. More durable than your hoodie string, and more sanitary."
Gorgug smiles at her, and nestles further into the little corner, chewing on the little piece of colored rubber. They stay like that all through next class period, Riz opening different multi-classing forms and comparing them while Adaine takes notes in her spell book, even though he knows Riz and Adaine value their grades highly. It makes him feel safe and less tense, like maybe things will be okay after all.