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They hadn’t been out of the house much other than to get groceries, since they’d arrived in Arkham, Arthur’s home, for the first time since John had become human. But today, after they’d eaten the breakfast which John had tried so valiantly to cook, Arthur’s back still sore from sleeping on the floor, John had said he’d wanted to go out, to see more of the town.
John and Arthur walked together down the street, their shoes clicking on the brick. Every so often John would give him directions, saying when to cross the street or when he saw something they should stop at.
“Arthur!” John said, the excitement tangible in his voice. “A music store!”
Arthur felt a hand slip into his, feeling both foreign and familiar. It was strange, being able to feel John, but it felt natural, somehow. It felt right. But he knew they weren’t in their own little world anymore. People could- people were watching. He pulled his arm away as if John’s touch had shocked him. “John, you can’t- you can’t do that. Not here. Not where people could see us.”
“I don’t understand, Arthur, how else am I supposed to guide you? Why would anyone care?” John said, his voice a mixture of hurt and confusion.
“People would think- people would think we were. You know-”
“No, Arthur, I don’t fucking know what you’re talking about.”
“We can’t- people would think-” Arthur took a deep breath. He didn’t know how to explain this. “Holding hands isn’t something men do, John, it’s something people in love do.”
“But I do love you, Arthur.”
Arthur felt a stab of fear through his spine. He stopped suddenly, hearing John take a step before pausing. He turned his head as if to look behind him. “Don’t- don’t fucking say that.”
“But I-”
“Is there anyone behind us?”
“What?”
“Is there anyone behind us, John. Within hearing range.”
“No I don’t- there’s no one on this block. Why are you-?”
“Good.” He continued walking. “I can’t. I can’t do this right now, John, not here.”
“Arthur, I-”
They had reached the end of the block. “Which way?”
John sighed. “Left, Arthur.”
“Thank you.”
***
John was strangely quiet when they got back to the house- to their house. Usually he narrated what he was doing, and what was around them, sometimes calling out from another room to inform Arthur that there was a bird in the tree outside. This time, though, the only thing he said in the hours since they’d returned was a warning to stop Arthur from bumping into a box that had fallen off the counter.
And Arthur- it wasn’t that Arthur was avoiding him. He wanted to say something, to break the silence, but he didn’t know what. He felt like he should apologize for earlier, but didn’t know how to broach the subject. Fortunately or unfortunately for him, John didn’t seem to have the same issue. Arthur had just gotten up from where he’d been sitting when he heard footsteps come towards him.
“About what I said earlier, Arthur, you have to know I do love you.”
“I-” Arthur took a step back in surprise, the back of his knee hitting the chair. “I’m a man, John. You’re a man,” he said, reaching for a refutation.
“Yes, Arthur, I’m aware. And I love you.”
“It’s not the same- it can’t be- it's not what people do.”
“Why not?”
“It’s-” a million reasons flew through his head. It was wrong, it was unnatural, it was- it was a sin. But what was a sin to someone who had once been a god? “You don’t understand.”
“Then make me, Arthur. Make me understand.”
“I- it’s just- if you heard what people say about-” he swallowed. “If you heard what people said, you wouldn’t want- it’s not worth it, John.”
“What do you mean it isn’t worth it?”
“If people find out they’ll- John, everyone- if they even suspect you’re-”
“If they find out what, Arthur? Suspect what?”
“If they find out you’re a fucking queer.”
“I’m a-” John paused. “Okay, Arthur. If that’s how you feel. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.”
“No!” Arthur heard John turn around and reached out in the direction of his voice, hand landing on John’s shoulder and bunching the collar of his shirt into a fist. “That’s not. That’s not what I meant, John. I’m sorry.”
“What did you mean, then?” He half turned towards Arthur, half still facing the door.
“I- I just don’t want anything to happen to you, John. I don’t want-” he took a deep breath. “I don’t want you to have to go through that because- because I know what it’s like.”
“Oh, Arthur,” John turned to face him and stepped closer. Arthur was still clinging on to his shirt. John moved, putting a hand on Arthur’s shoulder and bringing the other one up to cradle his face. Arthur knew he should pull away. He didn’t. He only realized he had been crying when he felt John brush away a tear with his thumb. He shivered.
“I-” he didn’t know what he was trying to say, if he wanted John to move closer or if he wanted to convince him not to.
“You’re… you mean so much to me, Arthur, do you know that?”
Arthur nodded, tears running down his face.
“You don’t have to protect me. I knew what I was getting into when I chose to become human, Arthur. I made that decision, and now I’m making the decision to be with you. What are you so afraid of?”
“I’m- I’m scared that I won’t be enough. This is- it’s not easy, John. And I- if once you find out, you decide I’m not worth it- I don’t know if I could take it.”
“Arthur. We’ve been through hell together. What would make you think that I would-”
“You’re not bound to me anymore, John. When- when it gets too hard you can leave. You won’t have to stay.”
“I know. I know I don’t have to stay, but I want to, Arthur. I became human to experience the world, the good and the bad. I became human to experience it with you.”
“I- oh.” Arthur felt stupid. “Why would you have-?”
“Goddamnit, Arthur, how many times do I have to say this? Because I love you.”
“I- are you sure? Because if you’re not, or later you decide- I don’t know- I couldn’t-”
“I’m not going to take it back, Arthur. I love you, and I’ll say it as many times as I have to until you believe it.”
“I- oh, John,” Arthur pulled John into a tight hug. He hadn’t- he hadn’t let himself do this before. But since John had become human, God, he’d wanted to. He felt John relax into the embrace and he buried his face in his shoulder. After a moment John brought his hands to wrap around Arthur’s back, slowly, as if he wasn’t sure he was allowed. “Oh, John,” Arthur said again.
“Yes, Arthur?”
Arthur pulled back a bit so he could rest his forehead on John’s. “Is it okay if- I want to-”
John cut him off with a kiss. Just a short press of their lips, but Arthur shivered, with instinctive fear as well as something much more powerful. John’s lips were chapped, not soft, but warm, and
Arthur wanted-
Arthur brought their faces together again, tilting his head so their lips fit together. He heard John make a noise in his throat. After a moment, he pulled back, just enough to breathe. “I love you too, John.” He said, and he felt John smile against him.