Chapter Text
Lex Foster is a lot of things, but she’s not irresponsible. She has a tendency to be reckless, and she never seems to care enough about anything to ever really try her best, but she does whatever she has to. She goes to work, and she might complain about Frank’s endless notes, but she does try to listen. Getting fired is not a viable option, so she listens to Sherman’s rambles about the latest toys, occasionally smiles at customers, and shortens her smoke breaks. She picks up extra shifts whenever she can, helps Hannah with her homework, cooks dinner whenever her mother is too busy getting drunk to keep her children alive.
She loses entire nights of sleep because Hannah has nightmares, but she tells her stories, promises to watch over her, quietly hums melodies Hannah would play on her ukulele if it wasn’t the middle of the night and Pam wouldn’t kick their door down for being too loud, rather than scold her for it. Hannah always goes back to sleep, after a while, and Lex never does. Instead she listens to her sister’s breathing, and thinks of eternal sunshine and radiating beaches. And in the morning, regardless of how deep the exhaustion has set into her bones, she goes to work, and she cleans the trailer, and she still makes time for Ethan despite the mountain of responsibilities she has to worry about.
One time, she even babysits Tim Houston when Grace is out of town, and Tom calls her in a panic because nobody else is available. He pays her for it, and she does not buy for a second that he pays Grace Chasity 25 dollars an hour on the regular, but Tom insists, and Lex cannot argue with 75 extra dollars. He encourages her to spend it on something fun, like a date night with Ethan or the movies with Hannah. Lex tells him she will, because she does not want to disappoint him. Does not want him to regret overpaying her, because then he could have used it to make Tim happy instead. She spends the money on groceries, and weed for her mother.
Lex Foster is far from being a role model, at 20 years old without a high school diploma and working a minimum wage job at a toy store, but she’s doing alright, she thinks. Given the circumstances.
She might be hanging on by a thread herself, but Hannah is getting good grades, and Ethan is happy to be with her, and both of them are much happier and more carefree than Lex will ever have the luxury of being, but that’s why she’s doing this. That’s what makes it worth it. She’ll work the extra shifts, she’ll stay awake, she’ll worry about bills and debts, just so they won’t have to.
Sometimes, when she can’t sleep after Hannah wakes her up, Lex wonders what the limit would be, of the things she’d be willing to do just to keep her people safe and satisfied. So far, she has decided she’d carry the weight of the whole world if she’d had to, and she thinks that means there isn’t one.
She might not be succeeding academically, or career wise, or even when it comes to making herself happy, but she is very good at living for others. Too good, maybe, but she’s afraid of what will happen when she stops. If she does not keep the world running, it will fall apart. She’s certain of that.
That’s the first thing she thinks of, when the days keep coming, and it’s seven, eight, nine days after her period was supposed to come. How will life go on, if I can’t do this anymore? She has a system, after all, and taking care of the people she loves means she has no capacity to properly take care of herself. Unfortunately, if she is pregnant, that means she will have to make herself a priority, and she cannot balance all of that at once. (She’d carry the weight of the world for them if she had to. Would destroy her body, her soul, her spirit, anything she could to protect theirs. She doesn't know how to change that. Doesn’t know how to stop this pattern she has followed for as long as she can remember. Hannah comes first. Ethan comes first. Where is Lex? What does Lex need? She tries to think of it, her own needs and priorities, and blanks every time. Lex Foster has never been a priority, and even if she wanted to change that, finally, after two decades, she would not know where to start.)
Lex does not know what to do about the delayed period, so she decides to just keep doing what she always does. She goes to work. Stares at Hannah’s maths homework until the numbers dance before her eyes and she questions her intelligence. Helps Ethan with repairing a car the best she can. Buys drugs for her mother, and tries her best to ignore Tom’s voice in her head. He blames her for this, for keeping the cycle alive and enabling her mom. She didn’t tell him that it’s more bearable, when Pam is stoned out of her mind instead of irrationally angry at her daughters for having the nerve to come into existence. She wonders if it would change his mind, if he knew those details, or if he would continue to blame her for everything.
And throughout it all, she thinks of kids. She thinks of helping a smaller human write their name, and teaching them how to tie their shoe laces, and learn basic maths instead of whatever advanced shit Hannah is doing. She thinks of car seats, and how much music she and Ethan listen to that includes swear words. She thinks of how much she swears, and fails miserably at cutting it out. She looks at Ethan, and remembers him with Hannah, two years ago, and his casual remark about how he’d make a great dad. She wonders what he’d say, now, when it’s a reality rather than a fantasy. She stops smoking, and drinking, and the only person who notices is Pam, who tries to get Lex to drink wine with her one evening, and then makes fun of her for declining. She thinks of Hannah, rather than her own potential child, in that moment, and promises herself she’ll get them out of here before Pamela Foster can genuinely start peer pressuring her baby sister into alcoholism.
She waits until it’s been fifteen days since her period was supposed to start, and then she buys a pregnancy test. The thought of taking it at home terrifies her, so she decides to make use of her lunch break at Toy Zone by not eating (perhaps not the smartest decision if she is actually pregnant, but alas), and running out for the test instead. She still has some time by the time she returns, and just takes it in the bathroom at work.
When she comes back, Frank calls her out for a bathroom break that was questionably long, clearly fishing for an explanation, but Lex does not give one. She cannot think of a lie fast enough, and the truth is that the test came back positive. Frank Priceley will not be the first person she shares that news with.
The rest of her shift is a blur. Frank has to call her name three times before she registers that he asked her to restock the shelves, and Sherman comes in with a billion questions about an upcoming toy that she cannot answer. She probably could have done it yesterday, because she remembers Frank giving her incredibly detailed instructions, but today all she can think of is a pink plus sign. Surprisingly enough, Frank seems to notice something is off with her, because she only gets yelled at once, and when Sherman goes to officially complain about her, Frank shoots her a look and then covers for her. It makes her question if he knows, somehow, but once her shift is over he only tells her to be safe on the way home, and that he hopes whatever is troubling her will sort itself out soon. Right before she makes it through the door, he asks her if Ethan did anything, and if he has to talk some sense into him, and Lex yells back that Ethan is perfectly fine. She pretends to be annoyed at the question, but deep down it makes her feel very seen and cared for, if only for a brief moment.
And then she wonders for how much longer Ethan will be fine, in light of recent discoveries, and every trace of giddiness falls away and turns into blinding panic.
She should tell him, she thinks. Should drive to his house and confess. He should be the first to know.
She does not do that.
She drives to the Houston residence, and before she can really consider what she’s doing, she’s ringing the doorbell. It takes a while for someone to come down, and suddenly Lex fears that Tom is out of the house and she’s about to be greeted by Grace’s overly optimistic face.
When the door opens, Tom is on the other side, and Lex feels relieved before remembering how insane this all is.
“Lex?” he asks, and she has to look exactly how she feels, because he immediately follows it up with: “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Did something happen to Hannah?”
All she can do is stand there, and stare at him. She thinks she shakes her head when he asks about Hannah, but the world was already spinning, so she’s not sure. Tom looks scared now, and steps towards her carefully.
“Lex, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. Tell me how to help. Please. You’re scaring me a little.”
She tries to say it. Tries to form the words, but they seem to get stuck in her throat. If she says it, it’ll be real. If she says it, everything will change. (She cannot do this alone. She needs help, desperately. Maybe she always has. It’s suffocating, suddenly, the weight of the world that’s resting solely on her shoulders, and she’s terrified of getting crushed. She cannot do this. Not anymore. Not like this.)
“I’m pregnant,” she says finally, even though she has no idea how she managed it.
Tom’s panic quickly switches to relief, and then back to concern. “You’re not telling me because others reacted badly, right? If Ethan-”
“He doesn’t know.” Lex assures him quickly, primarily because she cannot cope with hearing the thought of Ethan not taking it well out loud. “Nobody does. I didn’t know where to go, so … I came here. I hope that’s alright.”
“Oh, Lex, you’re always welcome here. Always. And it’s going to be alright, okay? We’re gonna figure this out. Do you want to come in? Becky and Tim are inside too, in case that changes anything.”
“That’s fine,” Lex replies, following Tom inside the house after he turns around. She’s not sure what she was expecting, but it wasn’t Becky and Tim at the kitchen table, waiting expectantly for Tom to return to their ongoing game of Monopoly.
It makes her freeze in the doorway between the living room and the hallway, suddenly unsure of what to do. She came here for advice, or support, and not to ruin game night.
“Oh, I didn’t- I can-” She starts, feeling out of place like never before. (She makes eye contact with Tim, and thinks of children, babies, and feels worse.)
“Lex, it’s okay.” Tom says, guiding her towards the couch. She sits down, and watches him go back to the table, where he whispers something to Becky. And then, louder, she hears him tell Tim that they’ll continue the game next evening, and that he’s sorry, but that his friend needs help with something.
Tim is very accepting of this, and even goes upstairs towards his bedroom even though Lex is fairly certain it is not yet his bedtime. She hopes he forgives her for hijacking his night. (She wonders what she would do, as a parent. It feels like a never ending spiral, this panic about raising a child, and she’s barely pregnant as is. It seems unbearable in the long run.)
Becky waits until Tim has left before she asks what’s wrong. She has the same concerned look on her face as Tom did a moment ago, and Lex wonders if she has always been this bad at hiding her emotions from people.
Thankfully, saying it a second time comes easier than the first. “I’m pregnant”. Becky, to her credit, immediately switches into nurse mode.
“Do you know how far you are? Did anything scary happen- blood, cramps … ?”
“Nothing scary happened,” Lex reassures her immediately, “other than the fact that I just found out about it and I’m freaking out.” That makes Becky smile for a split second, and then she seems to remember what they’re talking about. “And I got pregnant on June 18th, so that’s … a month? Today’s the 16th right? So that’s pretty much exactly a month.”
Tom responds to that before Becky can. “You know the exact day it happened?”
Lex briefly considers lying, but he has to know how babies are made right? “Well, I remember the day I forgot to take my birth control …” She pauses, unsure of how to phrase the next part, “and then still did the deed.” Tom Houston might know where babies come from, but that doesn’t mean it’s fun to tell him. Lex forces herself to move on from it, and keeps going. “But, in my defence, I only realised I forgot the pill some time later and by then all I could do was wait for my period to come, which didn’t happen.” She glances at Tom, who is doing a very good job at keeping his face in a neutral expression. To be fair, Lex thinks, it’s on him for asking about it in the first place.
When Becky starts talking, Lex turns to look at her, and tells herself she won’t look at Tom until he talks again. “Okay…” Becky says, “so physically you’re okay? Nothing to worry about there?”
Lex thinks of carrying the weight of the world, but says “yeah, I’m okay.”
“Good. So, having gotten that out of the way, and forgive me for my straight forwardness, but do you know what you want to do?” Becky asks about it very kindly, and almost like she’s asking if Lex wants broccoli for dinner. She sounds more serious for the next part of her sentence, as if she’s snapping back into her nurse role after a brief detour. “Because I can help you with resources, both for continuing and for ending it here.”
She’s been thinking about that for weeks. What if it is negative? What if it is positive? What will she do then? But even after all that questioning and considering all the outcomes, all she has is: “I don’t know. I think I have to talk to Ethan first.” Of course, it doesn’t end there, because she doesn’t know what will happen if she says no and he says yes or vice versa, but they’ll cross that bridge when they get to it.
“Of course.” Becky replies, smiling at her.
It’s all very supportive, in Tom’s living room. Very loving, very understanding, very considerate of anything she might be feeling or going through. She doesn’t want to think too much about it, how supportive this house is, because she has to return to the trailer tonight, to the room she shares with Hannah and the mother that is wasting away. If she thinks too hard about the difference, she’ll start loathing everyone around her for either having what she doesn’t, or for not providing what she needs.
Her train of thought gets cut short by Tom, who blurts out a less supportive question all of a sudden. Perhaps he has not learned from the last time he asked a question, then.
“You stopped drinking right? And smoking? Because-”
“Yes.” Lex says, forcing herself to sound as neutral and kind as possible. Even if it stings a bit that he’d think so little of her. (He means well, she tells herself. He always means well). “I stopped all of my bad habits the second I suspected I might be pregnant, which was a while before I actually got the test.”
“Good, good, that’s great.” Tom responds, clearly unprepared for how he should deal with the aftermath of his own judgement. Becky is looking at him with more judgement herself, and in any other situation Lex would laugh at them, and how ridiculous this whole thing is.
“So,” Becky says, turning back to Lex. “What’s next? And specifically, what else can we do for you tonight?”
“Tonight, not so much.” Lex sighs, trying to buy herself more time wherever possible. “I think I should go back home soon. Hannah might get worried otherwise. If she isn’t already, that is. As for this whole thing in general … I think the next step is telling Ethan. Which is terrifying, but it has to happen, right?”
Becky gives her a very soft “yeah” in response, and Tom says “we could come with you, when you tell Ethan. Not like, with you, per se, but like … we could be around. Just in case.”
He doesn’t say it, but he means just in case it goes wrong. It’s a sad thing to think about, but Lex appreciates the offer. She might just take them up on it, she tells them, and then she gets off of their couch. Tom walks her to the door, and tells her to be safe. She likes it more when he says it than Frank.
The door closes behind her, and Lex gathers her courage. It’s time to go home, and face reality when the morning comes.