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Oscar trusts Mark. He doesn’t ask how the negotiations with Alpine are going because he knows Mark will tell him when something happens. He knows Mark is doing everything he can to get him where they both think he belongs, in Formula 1.
In April, Mark tells him “I talked with Guenther”. Oscar nods. He knows Mick is struggling. Everybody knows it. Guenther’s desk is probably full of emails from agents. Still, Oscar is not really excited by the prospect. Going to Haas would feel a bit like drawing back when he could be at Alpine. But it’s still a seat in F1.
In May, Marks tells him “We put some pressure on Alpine. I think they’re going to give us that contract”. Oscar nods. Nothing happens.
In June, Marks tells him “We might have another solution. I’ve heard that McLaren is not going to keep Daniel.” That statement is a surprise. Oscar still nods. McLaren? They are struggling a bit this year but they have plans for the future… A new wind tunnel, new people. And Lando. This doesn’t sound bad but Oscar doesn’t get his hopes up.
Still, that night, in his bed, Lily asleep in his arms, he lets his mind wander. He imagines himself in papaya, Lando Norris next to him. And he likes that. Behind his closed lids, he sees them sharing podiums and victories. And he remembers. Watching a younger Lando grab victories. In Formula 4, Formula 3, Formula 2… Oscar was always following a bit later. It felt like being linked but never really “together”. Like their destinies were following parallel paths but never meeting. And now, this could finally change. Oscar and Lando. It could become a reality.
***
“McLaren, then?” Lily asks as Oscar hangs up the phone.
“It looks like it, yeah.”
It’s only a reserve driver contract. But with clauses that will make him a team driver if the team can negotiate a way out for Daniel.
“Are you happy?”
He likes that Lily doesn’t congratulate him first. She wants to know his view on the matter first. Because, of course, he’s happy. Happy to become an F1 driver at last. But the way it happened? That’s not what he had imagined.
And… Lando. There will be Lando. He smiles.
“Yes, I am.”
“Congratulations, then!” She comes closer and kisses him.
He still sees Lando’s smiling face when he closes his eyes and deepens the kiss.
***
Mark and their lawyer are still talking about who to send the statement to and when. Oscar doesn’t want to do that way. So he grabs his phone and types the statement. The first version is mostly good but he still goes back to it. Change a few words. Once he’s satisfied, he looks up and speaks.
“I want to do it myself. My way.”
Because as much as Oscar trusts Mark, he doesn’t want to appear as a kid who’s letting adults make the choices for him. He’s going to be a Formula 1 driver. He wants people to see he’s ready. He wants McLaren to see him as someone who can stand up for himself. He wants Lando to be impressed, too.
He gives his phone to Mark and lets him read the message.
Mark smiles.
“I like that.”
The lawyer reads it too. He doesn’t smile but he still nods.
“We can do it that way. Just be ready for the buzz. And we will still need to issue an official statement.”
Oscar gets his phone back and clicks on the publish button.
***
The weeks after are hectic…
Lawyers are getting involved and now they’re talking about getting everything to the contract recognition board.
Mark reassures Oscar. His place at McLaren is safe and Alpine is mostly trying to hide their incompetence. Oscar tries to believe him. He can’t help but be afraid that everything will fall out. No F1 seat, no McLaren… No Lando.
That last part is the one that makes him take a deep breath to stay calm.
A few days later, McLaren announces Daniel's departure and the media are going crazy with the whole story. He knows people will forget eventually, that another drama will push it back. But still, he’s the rookie who made that tweet, he’s the Aussie nobody knows who’s pushing the Aussie everybody loves out. He can live with that if that means getting closer to his dream.
***
His dream finally comes true on the 2nd of August.
A phone call from Zak, another one from Mark, lots of emails, and a hastily recorded message with Lily holding the camera and making gestures for him to smile more.
It’s a blur, it’s not how he imagined it but it’s the result that counts. He will be a Formula 1 driver…
The message from an unknown number that comes a few hours later is unexpected. But Oscar knows it’s the one he’ll cherish the most.
“Hi, future teammate! 👋🧡 “
Oscar smiles at the orange…no, at the papaya heart!
“Another congratulation?” Lily asks, having spotted his larger smile probably.
“Yeah… From Lando.”
“You see! He’s not mad you’re replacing Daniel!”
Oscar may have confessed some of his insecurities to Lily and she’s right. He probably just overthought a lot of things.
He types an answer.
“Hi 👋 (is the papaya heart mandatory from now on?)”
He doesn't get an answer before the next day.
“Yep! 🧡🧡🧡🧡”
***
Oscar can’t sleep. He doesn’t really know why. It’s not usual for him to struggle like that. Lily often makes fun of him for his ability to fall asleep as soon as his head touches the pillow. At Prema, he was called Snoozy Piastri because he managed to take naps everywhere.
But now, he’s in his bed, Lily sleeping peacefully next to him while he’s looking at the ceiling and wondering what is happening.
When he has counted the cracks in the ceiling for the sixth time, he decides that it’s enough and gets up.
He goes to the living room, grabs a water bottle and decides to watch something on Netflix. He ends up browsing YouTube and watching random videos. Until the algorithm suggests some McLaren videos…
He ends up watching videos about Lando. Official ones. Fan-made ones.
It brings him back to 2020 and the lockdown he spent with his family in Australia.
***
April 2020
Oscar is bored. As much as he’s happy to be here, in Australia, in his family home with his parents and his sister rather than alone in a small apartment in London, he’s bored.
He has helped his mom reorganise the whole kitchen, played games with Mae, helped his father clean the pool, tidied his old room… And only a week has passed.
They talk over the phone a lot with Lily but they soon reach a point when they don’t have much to say because they both aren’t doing anything fun with their days.
He ends up ordering a new computer and some games. When everything is settled, he discovers that some F1 drivers have apparently turned streamers because they are as bored as he is.
And so, he starts to follow them, watches their games, and keeps an eye on their socials. It fucks up his sleep schedule a bit as they are all in Europe but it’s not like it changes something, with nothing else to do during the day.
Of course, he’s particularly following Lando. And, along the hours of video, he gets a glimpse of the best friend Max had talked about during their Renault days, and he discovers a young funny geeky guy. And he gets obsessed.
Lando becomes like a long-distance friend… Just that it’s mostly one-sided. Oscar even ends up answering his tweets… Lando never acknowledges him, though. And that should probably not be as disappointing as it is.
When the lockdown rules are slowly relaxed and Oscar can start training with Kim in person, he has less time to spend on the Internet, and less freedom to stay awake in the middle of the night.
And he misses that… He misses Lando.
How can you miss someone you are just watching through a screen? How can you miss someone you don’t really know?
Oscar is not sure he wants the answer to these questions.
***
Lando is not there when Oscar goes to the MTC for the first time as he just came back from Japan. But Zak tells him they will have a meeting the next day.
It’s not going to be their first time meeting each other but it still feels a bit like it. Until now, they’ve just crossed each other’s path, a “hello, how are you?”, a few sentences, and some likes and comments on Twitter.
He has always followed Lando’s career closely, the time he spent watching his streams during lockdown made him know another part of Lando. He has also done some research when he signed with McLaren.
He knows the obvious. Lando is loud and animated. Lando is sassy. Lando is fast.
Still, there are also things he wants to discover. How Lando will be as the older and more experienced teammate. How Lando works. How Lando is when he’s not in the car, in front of a camera or on social media.
It’s exciting and frightening at the same time. Because Oscar wants it to work. Oscar and Lando. It has to work. Their paths are finally joining and Oscar hopes they can walk next to each other for as long as possible.
***
That evening, when Lily asks him how it went, he barely answers. Because it went well, of course, but also because he feels like nothing much happened. He has signed some papers, talked with Zak and has been given a tour of the MTC. He feels like the next day will be the important one. Meeting Lando, meeting the engineers… It will finally start to feel real.
***
“Oscar, we will need you to sign a special NDA,” Zak announces after he has finished explaining the program for the day.
Lando is sitting in the armchair next to him and Oscar sees him twitch.
“Oh… Yeah… Okay.”
He’s pretty sure he has already signed plenty of those the day before, mostly about the new car, the development work, the technical info and so on. He has no idea what this one can be about.
“Lando?” Zak asks. “I’ll leave you to it?”
Lando nods and Oscar is even more confused. Especially when Zak leaves the room.
Lando turns towards Oscar and then, ends up sitting in a weird position but that doesn’t seem to bother him.
“So… Hum… Before telling you what all this is about, I need to be sure you will sign the NDA after.”
“I mean… Yeah. It’s part of the job, no?”
“More or less…”
Oscar is lost. And Lando looks awfully serious, nearly another man completely from the bubbly one who offered him biscuits when they met for the first time earlier.
“I’m not following you here, mate.”
“It’s about me. In a personal way.”
“Oh… Okay. I’ll still sign it, no problem.”
“Great.”
Lando doesn’t look like it is, in fact, great. He looks afraid and this is something all of the streams and videos haven’t prepared Oscar for.
“So… Hum… I’m gay.”
“Oh… Okay.”
This is probably the lamest answer Oscar can give but he’s too surprised to come up with anything else. Surprised that Lando is gay when he was pretty sure he had been involved with a model not long ago. Surprised to learn it now and like that and surprised that Lando is out to the team.
“The whole team knows. As do my family and closest friends. Carlos, Daniel, Max, Alex and George do too.”
Oscar nods. He’s looking at Lando. Probably too intently. But he can’t help it. Everything he knows about the man in front of him has just been challenged. For fuck’s sake, everything he feels for the man in front of him has been challenged.
“So… You can’t talk about it with anyone outside the team. Even the other drivers.”
Oscar nods again. Still processing that the man he had a strange teenage crush on is gay. The man who's going to be his teammate. The man with whom he was obsessed during lockdown.
“I… I’m not going to hide it when there isn’t any stranger around so I hope this won’t be a problem for you…”
Lando’s words make Oscar realise how his reaction, or rather the absence of reaction, must have looked.
“Oh… Lando, sorry! I should have said it but of course, it’s not a problem! I mean… It’s not for me and it shouldn’t be for anyone else. I… I was just surprised.”
“So… We’re okay?” Lando asks, his face softening. He looks younger suddenly.
“Of course we are!”
Oscar holds his first in the air and Lando bumps it.
Of course, they are. Oscar and Lando, for real. Finally.
***
The next weeks pass in a blur. More meetings, testing in Abu Dhabi, and winter break in Australia. And those thoughts that Oscar can’t get rid of. Lando. Lando. Lando. Lando.
Oscar can’t help but think about him. It’s worse than it was before. The teenage crush is coming back in full force, he realises. Because, this time, Lando is a real presence in Oscar’s life. Not someone he watches from afar likes the tweets of or watches through a screen with thousands of kilometres between them. Lando is his teammate, the guy he will see the most next year, the guy who spams him with stupid memes from the other side of the world.
Oscar starts to realise how this is not normal and how it probably never was… He hasn’t followed anyone's career as closely as he did with Lando. His obsession during the lockdown wasn’t only due to boredom. His happiness at becoming Lando’s teammate couldn’t be explained only by his admiration for Lando’s racing exploits.
His Mum notices, of course. How Oscar is more distracted than usual, how he distances himself from Lily at times (when the thoughts of Lando are just too much or too deep or too wild), and how he doesn’t relax. And she asks him about it. Just after Christmas. He knows she had seen him smile at his phone on Christmas day, not paying attention to Lily sitting next to him.
“Osc… What’s going on?”
She doesn’t need to be more specific than that. Oscar knows he’s not hiding his inner turmoil well. He hesitates. Keeping everything for himself is not the best solution, he knows that. He can’t talk to Mark because Mark will tell him to focus on the driving part. He can’t talk to Lily, obviously. His Mum is his best and safest option. So he tells her everything. His little crush on Lando years ago. How falling in love with Lily had made his doubts about his sexuality feel useless. How he started to think about Lando again when Mark had talked about McLaren for the first time. How worse it has become. And he hints at the NDA he has signed.
She listens and hugs him. It feels good to finally voice all these thoughts and when he’s finished he feels lighter.
“Osc… You need to sort this out. For you first. For your career, too. For Lily. But… mostly for you.”
“I know. But… It’s just too much.”
His Mum hugs him tighter and strokes his hair gently.
“You don’t need to do it now but the longer you wait, the harder it will be.”
“Can… Can I risk everything for him?” he asks. In the end, it’s what it's all about. Can he break up with Lily, amazing Lily who understands him, supports him, and accepts him in the hope of something that will probably never happen? “Oscar and Lando”, as teammates is real. Not “Oscar&Lando” written in golden letters on a wedding announcement.
“It’s not about you and Lando, Oscar. It’s about you being true to yourself. It's been going on for years. You thought it had disappeared but it hasn’t. Don’t lie to yourself.”
His Mum’s words hit just right.
“I’ll try.”
She nods and puts a kiss on his head. He doesn’t move, wanting to stay in her arms a bit more. Where he’s just Oscar. Not the F1 driver, not gay or bi, not thinking about breaking up with his girlfriend of four years, not thinking about his teammate way too much. Just Oscar.
***
Being Lando’s teammate ends up being all that Oscar expected… and more.
Lando is mostly like Oscar had imagined him to be. Funny, geeky and a bit childish at times. But also focused and result-driven when they are working.
The Lando he saw in the streams is there, next to him. But it feels like the streamer Lando was just a cardboard cut when he now has a 3D version. Lando is so much more than Oscar expected.
Lando is caring for everyone around him. Lando is smart when something feels worthy of his attention but the dumbest of all when he’s not interested. Lando is obviously close to his family but wants to prove to them he can be independent. Lando talks about Carlos and Daniel a lot but still makes Oscar feel welcome in the team. Lando is over-the-top but he still respects Oscar’s boundaries.
Lando is so much more endearing than Oscar expected.
And Oscar realises that the little celebrity crush he had accepted is growing… It’s becoming something he can’t name. Not before he has settled a few things. With himself, with Lily.
***
The season starts properly and the joy of taking part in a Formula 1 Grand Prix overtakes everything else.
Oscar has to focus on driving, learning, on making progress. He barely has any time left to think about anything else. And he’s alright with that.
The car is not as good as anyone hoped. They still try to extract the best of it, with the hope of incoming upgrades keeping them motivated.
Lando is frustrated. Oscar can see it. He understands. It’s Lando’s fifth year with the team. He has things to prove to them, to the F1 world and probably to himself. He needs to step up his game but he’s stuck in that tractor.
Still, Lando is there, supporting Oscar, asking him how he feels, exchanging data and taking time to make him feel welcome. So that’s not really a surprise when Lando suggests they go for dinner together after the first race. Burger is apparently the Brit’s meal of choice after a race and Oscar is more than happy to follow. They find a place not far from the circuit, Kim, Jon and a few other team members come with them.
It’s different from the close family feelings Oscar had at Prema but so much better than the tension at Alpine. In that little restaurant in Bahrain, talking with one of Lando’s mechanics, Oscar feels like he has made the right choice, that he’s in the right place.
***
Oscar watches the first video because it appeared in an answer to one of his Twitter posts. Daniel and Lando's funniest moments.
Still, he doesn’t laugh. Because what he sees there is something he’s sure he’ll never have with Lando. As much as they are getting along, he can see how different they are. In their behaviour, in their tastes and hobbies, in the way they approach everything in life.
He clicks on another video after that. Lando and Carlos. He knows it’s a bit masochistic but he still watches his. It’s even worse than the first one because if Lando and Daniel appeared as good friends, Lando and Carlos are just meant to be.
And once again, a dark feeling appears in Oscar’s heart. One he hasn’t felt often in his life but he still recognises it easily. Jealousy.
Oscar has never been envious like that before. Because he always believed that envy can become a motivation to reach your objectives, a push to work harder.
This time it is different because working harder won’t make Lando love him. Because there is nothing he can do to become Daniel or Carlos or anyone else that could be worthy of Lando’s interest.
Still, Oscar realises he wants to try. Try what? He doesn’t know yet. But Lando occupies such a large place in his heart, he can’t let go. Even if it’s probably hopeless.
***
They’re in a helicopter, above Melbourne, with Lily when it finally dawns on him. What not being straight would mean as a Formula One driver.
They made them do this little PR filming day to tell a cute story. The local rookie and his beautiful girlfriend visiting a zoo, young love and cute animals.
If he breaks up with her, he can still tell a convincing story. Them having grown up and taking different paths. Him wanting to focus on racing.
But if he comes out? There won’t be any cute story to tell.
He remembers the NDA he has signed. How Lando had to get lawyers involved to protect himself. How Lando has to hide.
He still doesn’t know if he’s ready to pay that price. But when Lily takes his hand in hers, he knows that she can’t become some kind of collateral damage.
***
He wants to talk to Mark first. Because Mark will have to know why he’s breaking up with Lily. Because he might have to ask for an NDA of his own. He’s pretty sure Lily would never reveal anything to the media but broken hearts can make people do horrible things. He can’t take that risk.
Talking to Mark is a frightening prospect still. Not because he thinks Mark will judge him for being gay. He’s afraid of Mark telling him that whatever he feels for Lando is just a whim and that breaking up with Lily is not the right decision.
He has made a choice but he still has doubts and he fears that Mark might challenge him too much.
In the end, he decides to talk to Ann first. He goes to see her after qualifying and they go to his driver’s room.
He can’t look at her but the words are still coming freely. She’s the second person he talks to and he realises it’s becoming easier. Perhaps also because he’s becoming more sure of himself, more convinced that he’s taking the right path. Even with the doubts lingering.
“So… Yeah… I’m going to break up with Lily. I can’t keep lying to her.”
“Oh… Oscar.”
Ann hugs him. It’s not the first time she hugs him but it’s the first time that Oscar let himself relax in her arms.
“You’re a brave young man, you know. And… You should really talk to Mark. He will understand.”
“Are you sure? I… I don’t know if I’d be able to defend my choice if I have to…I… I know it’s the right one but…”
“But you’re still doubting yourself. It’s okay, Oscar. It’s not an easy choice to make and whatever you choose, there will be a downside. And nobody can tell today, what will happen. I’d be more worried if you were overconfident.”
“I… I suppose you’re right.”
Ann lets go of him and looks him directly in the eyes.
“There is something else you should know. I mean, I’m probably not the person that should tell you about that but I think it will help you.”
Oscar looks at her, confused.
“Years ago… Mark also had to make a choice. The same one you’re making today.”
It takes Oscar a few seconds to really understand what Ann means.
“Oh…”
He has a million questions to ask but he feels like it’s not the right time, nor the right person in front of him. So he settles for “And he chose you?”
“Yes. But I know that, in the years that followed, he had often asked himself what could have happened if he had taken another decision. I don’t think he regretted what he did but he wondered.”
Oscar nods.
“What I mean, Oscar, is that Mark will understand you better than you think and that he will support your choice because he knows how difficult it is.”
“Thank you for telling me this, Ann.”
They smile at each other and they hug again.
***
They are back in London. Mark knows and supports Oscar as Ann said. He hadn’t told Oscar he was making a mistake, hadn’t tried to make him forget about Lando. He just listened and told Oscar he would support his choices. So, Oscar is waiting for his lawyer to send him an NDA… Lily still falls asleep in his arms at night.
They haven’t made love since before the race in Australia. Since they are back in London, he has managed to put it on the tiredness from the jet lag. Tomorrow, he should get the NDA. And he’s going to talk to her.
Tomorrow, he will stop lying.
***
He closes the door behind Lily and goes back into the apartment.
It went better than he had thought. He broke Lily’s heart but she was still so understanding. He has always known how lucky he was to have her and she proved that again.
Feelings are battling inside. Relief against guilt. Hope against regrets.
He looks around the living room but nothing has changed… Yet. Lily will come back when he’s away next week to get her things. For now, it still feels a bit abstract. Lily has been by his side for four years. All his young adult years he has been in a relationship. He’s not anymore.
He sits on the couch and grabs his phone. The lock screen tells him it’s nearly midnight in Australia. He still calls his Mum.
***
Oscar wants to tell Logan. Because Logan was there to encourage him to ask Lily out years ago. Because Logan had been in his life for longer than anyone else outside of his family. He has stopped lying to Lily, he doesn’t want to lie to his best friend.
He invites him over to his apartment. Some video games and takeout. Still, Oscar doesn’t beat around the bush and as Logan is setting up the Playstation, he tells him.
“I broke up with Lily.”
“What?” Logan lets go of the controller and turns to face Oscar.
“Two days ago.”
“Mate! What happened?”
Logan looks honestly surprised. Oscar supposes he should be. It’s not like anyone other than Mark, Ann and his mother knew about his doubts, about the distance he had put between him and Lily during the past weeks.
Oscar has now reached the hardest part. He’s not going to lie to Logan. He makes a silent plea that he’s not going to lose a friend.
“I realised I might be… gay.”
Oscar watches Logan in the eyes when he says it. Because he’s not ashamed and doesn’t want his friend to think he is. By breaking up with Lily, he had committed himself to this, to being gay and acting like it. He knows he can’t really be out but he doesn’t plan to be ashamed either.
“Mate… Wow…”
Logan just grabs him and hugs him then.
“Sorry, don’t really know what to say, “ Logan explains, still hugging him tightly “but… I mean… I had doubts before you know.”
“What?” Oscar pushed Logan back to look at him directly.
Logan is smiling when he explains.
“Yeah… Little things. I wasn’t sure and didn’t want to make assumptions but…”
“What things?”
Oscar can’t believe Logan might have seen things when he wasn’t aware of anything.
“The way you looked at Dalton, that summer in Florida. Your obsession with Lando. That poster of Henry Cavill in your room… “
Oscar blushes as he realises there might have been hints, indeed.
“Shit…”
Logan laughs a bit, clearly amused by his friend’s awkwardness.
“Hey, Osc… I’m glad you told me, you know.”
“I… Not many people know yet and… You’re my friend, I didn’t want to hide that from you.”
They look back at each other and this time, it’s Oscar who hugs Logan before they decide they’ve had enough serious time for now and go back to their game.
***
Oscar is lying on the little couch of his driver’s room, eyes closed. His body feels heavy and light at the same time. Heavy as he can barely move his limbs. Light, because he’s pretty sure he hasn’t been able to keep any food there for the past two days.
Of course, he has to be sick during his first sprint weekend, when there is more pressure and less time to rest.
He knows that he should get ready but it feels too hard. For once, he thinks he’ll do it like Lando and just get to the garage at the last minute.
A knock on the door startles him.
“Come in.”
“Hey, mate! Just wanted to see how you’re doing.” Lando asks, putting his head inside but not opening the door completely.
“You can come in, you know.”
Oscar realises it’s the first time Lando is inside his room. The Brit closes the door behind him and jumps on the massage table.
“So? How are you?”
“Not worse but… Not really better.”
“It sucks.”
“Yeah…”
“You’re nearly transparent,” Lando notes.
“I feel a bit like it.”
“No burger tonight, then?”
Oscar grimaces at the simple idea of food.
“Nope… Just sleep and probably that awful protein drink.”
“Yeah, better rest!”
Oscar nods.
“Oh… Also, I wanted to ask you… For Monaco, I thought we could maybe hang out! Also, I have a guest room if you’re already sick of hotel rooms… I mean if Lily is not coming.”
Oscar freezes. Because he hasn’t seen the invitation coming but also because he wasn’t really prepared to tell Lando about Lily. Not that he doesn’t want to tell him. He’s just afraid of the questions that his teammates might ask. He’s too tired to think about that so he just goes with it.
“She’s not coming. We broke up two weeks ago.”
“Oh… Sorry, didn’t know… I…”
Oscar looks at Lando fidgeting and decides the Brit doesn’t deserve to be awkward about that.
“It’s okay. I was going to tell you. Was just too tired to think about it. And… It’s okay. I was the one leaving her so…”
“Oh, you’re okay then?”
Oscar nods and tries to smile. He’s pretty sure it ends up being a kind of grimace, though.
“Mostly. It’s a bit strange not to have her around, not to call her every night but… It’s better like that.”
“Ok.”
Lando doesn’t ask any questions and Oscar is relieved.
“And for Monaco, I’d love to skip the hotel room!”
Lando’s smile is going to stay in Oscar’s mind for a long time.
“Great! I’ll send you my address. Just tell the team you don’t need a room!”
Lando stands up and just before he reaches the door he turns to look at Oscar.
“Be careful, Oscar. During the race.”
“I will.”
Oscar feels like something has shifted between Lando and him but he doesn’t know what.
***
Oscar arrives at Lando's on Wednesday afternoon. Lando’s apartment is very different from what he imagined. Less fancy, more lived-in, even if certain rooms still look a bit too pristine, like the kitchen and way more organised than what Lando’s drivers and hotel rooms had let Oscar believe.
“Yeah… The cleaning lady did some extra hours.” Lando explains when Oscar makes the observation out loud. “Needed to be perfect for my guest of honour!” he adds and they both laugh at that.
They are getting better at that. The joking and teasing parts. As they get to know more of each other, it gets easier to know what they can make fun of, and what type of humour the other will understand.
Oscar is still surprised by how much Lando seems to like his dry humour when he laughs quite easily at Lando's stupid jokes.
But what Oscar wasn’t expecting was how much Lando seemed to want to make him laugh. It’s evident in all the challenges and videos they made for the team but it also extends to their everyday life at track and the MTC.
“So, here is the guest room,” Lando says as they reach the end of the little tour of the apartment. “I’ll let you settle down and then we can play some game or something…”
“Yeah. And thanks again for having me.”
“It’s nothing. And I must admit it feels great to have some company here.”
Oscar notices that Lando is not joking anymore but he doesn’t say anything and doesn’t feel like they are close enough to ask anything more.
***
“So, how is the cohabitation going?” Mark asks Oscar as they sit together for lunch before FP1.
“Good… Great even. Lando’s way more easy-going than I expected.”
“Great. You know how important it is that you two get along… Outside of the track, too.”
“Yes, I know.” Oscar looks down at his plate of pasta, afraid of where this conversation is going.
“Oscar. You know I won’t lecture you about your feelings. It would be hypocritical and it’s not my place. But just know that it will get harder the closer Lando and you get. You might want to think about what you plan to do when you two become friends.”
“I don’t plan on doing anything.”
“It’s going to hurt.”
“I know.”
Of course, Oscar knows. It’s already hurting him. He wants to spend as much time as possible around Lando because that’s where he feels the happiest outside of the car. And, at the same time, the more he learns about Lando the more he falls for him and the more he realises his feelings will never be returned.
“Be careful, kid,” Mark says before starting to eat his lunch.
***
Things change after Monaco. The car is still hard to drive, both Oscar and Lando are still trying their best on track but their relationship has evolved. Oscar is not sure if they can call each other friends but there is a new level of understanding between them.
Back in Monaco, in the intimacy of Lando’s flat, they played games, relaxed but mostly, they talked. About each other, about their families, about their paths to Formula 1, about their lives, about their dreams. They really got to know each other in a way that they hadn’t had time to before. And things became even easier between them.
Oscar finally understands Lando’s apparent contradictions. The Brit’s strange behaviour finally makes sense.
And so, they just start spending even more time together. The post-race dinner becomes games on Thursday night, talks on Friday and more games on Saturday and soon they spend every evening together during the races weekends.
Surprisingly, spending more time around his crush doesn’t make things harder for Oscar. On the contrary. He’s come to terms that Lando is not interested in him, convinced that if he was, there would have been hints of that. But he still has what he craves. A true relationship with Lando. Not the same as Carlos or Daniel had but something else, something that just him and Lando. And that’s more than enough for Oscar.
***
The burgers they eat after Silverstone taste better than any other they ate before. They taste like a podium and a nearly double podium! Oscar should probably be frustrated. He knows, like everyone else, that without that safety car, he could have been on the podium with Lando. But he’s too happy to be frustrated. Happy to see that the car is finally where they want it to be, happy to see all their and the team’s efforts pay off, and happy to see Lando where he belongs on the podium. He can cope with a little disappointment on his side.
They stopped in a random place on their way back to London. They’re alone this time, with no team members and no trainers. Just the two of them, nearly incognito, celebrating in the most low-key way possible.
“Hey… Wanna come back to mine? Have a beer or something?” Oscar suggests when they finish eating. He doesn’t want the day to end. He wants to make it last for as long as possible.
“Yeah. We deserved that!”
And that’s how he ends up on his couch, with Lando and a few empty beer bottles on the floor, laughing at the last jokes the Brit came up with.
They aren’t drunk but tipsy enough to feel utterly relaxed, to let go of their inhibitions.
“Osc?”
“Hum?”
“Why did you break up with Lily? You never told me.”
The question is unexpected. They haven’t talked about the break-up since that day in Baku. Oscar wonders why Lando suddenly thought about that.
“Because I realised I was gay.” He says it like that, without any hesitation. Because he’s not ashamed of that, because he trusts Lando with that secret like Lando trusted him.
“Oh…That’s a good reason yeah.”
Oscar laughs. Yeah, it was.
“Is there someone? Or was there someone?” Lando asks again, moving around to end up sitting in one of his trademark positions that looks so uncomfortable to Oscar but is probably not for someone as flexible as Lando.
“No. I mean, not really. I was attracted to someone. That’s what made me realise I was gay but… I haven’t… made a move.”
“Oh? Why not?”
Of course, Lando has to ask for more. Oscar needs to deviate from the conversation soon before he says something stupid.
“He wasn’t interested. And you? Is there someone?”
Oscar realises too late that he’s not ready to hear the answer to that question.
“Nah… I mean… There was someone until a few months ago but at the moment, let’s say it’s easier to focus on driving.”
“Yeah. Same.”
Oscar wants to ask who that someone is, but he’s not drunk enough for that.
“Even more now that the car is finally good!” Lando adds.
And then spend the rest of the evening talking about everything and anything, never going back to the slippery slope that was their love lives.
***
From all the people who could have congratulated him after his race, Oscar never expected Lily to call him. But she does.
“Hello, Oscar.”
Her voice is still soft and caring. But Oscar realises it doesn’t make him feel warm anymore.
“Lily…”
“I watched the race. Congratulations, you did well.”
“Thank you.”
Oscar is sure she’s not calling only to talk about the race and he doesn’t want to play that silly game.
“Lily… Why are you calling?”
She chuckles.
“When you left me… You told me it was because you realised you were gay. But… Was there someone?”
“I didn’t cheat on you if it’s what you’re asking.”
Oscar is surprised by the accusation.
“That’s not what I’m asking, Oscar. But was there someone… Someone that may have helped you realise you were gay.”
That hits a bit too close to home for Oscar. Because of course, there was someone. Back then, it felt like telling Lily would just make things more complicated, for her and him both.
“Oscar…” she says when he doesn’t answer. “I’ve seen how you look at him. You used to look at me like that, you know.”
“Lily… What do you want me to say?”
Oscar doesn’t understand the point of this conversation. They ended things in an adult way. Why is she coming back now? What does she want?
“The truth… I’m not mad at you Oscar. I was… A bit. And I was sad but now I understand it’s better like that. You made the right choice.”
It’s ironic how Lily is the first one to tell him that so clearly.
“What I’m trying to say is that if… If you made that choice for him, it was brave of you. But… be careful, okay?”
“I will be.”
Oscar supposes he has admitted what she wanted him to, in the end.
“Great. Take care.”
“You, too.”
She hangs up and Oscar is left, alone in his flat with the feeling of having missed something important.
***
The next two races pass in a blur. The car is improving with little updates still coming out. And for Oscar, it peaks on Saturday, at Spa…P2 in the Sprint. It’s not a podium, not a real one with champagne and trophies. But it’s a first step. The first success of his F1 career. And not the last, he knows it.
The next day, everything derailed… Carlos Sainz clips him at the first corner, and his race ends a few kilometres after that… And he can’t even forget about it while joking with Lando as the Brit left just after the race to go party with Max and Martin Garrix.
So Oscar is just there, alone, with that stupid plaque that’s not really a trophy and facing three weeks of a break he’s not looking forward to. Not when the car was finally feeling good, not when all his plans included Lily, not when he hadn’t had time to make other ones. Not when he’s finally getting closer to Lando.
***
Oscar is not missing Lando. At least, it’s what he tries to convince himself of. Like, he’s not looking at his teammate’s Instagram account multiple times a day. Nor has he started following some gossip accounts to find out what Lando might be up to.
And they have only been apart for 10 days. This is pathetic. Oscar knows it. So he tries to stop. And fails. And tries again and ends up inviting Logan over for a day of lounging and doing nothing. The kind of thing they did way more often at Prema, the kind of thing they don’t have the luxury to do anymore as F1 drivers.
“Mate… You’re pining.” Logan tells him at the end of the day when they’re trying to decide what takeout to order as they negotiate a cheat meal with their trainers.
“What?”
“I don’t know for who, but you’re pining! You were like that, before Lily, when you wanted to ask her out.”
Oscar should probably try to deny it or come up with a lie. He’s not sure he can. And having someone who knows, someone other than Mark and his Mum could help. Logan could even make him come back to his senses, tell him he’s stupid to be pining for someone he will never have. Put some sense back into him.
“Lando,” Oscar says. He just says it like that. A name. A name that feels now natural on his lips, a name that hasn’t left in his thoughts in the past 8 years.
“Should I act like I’m surprised?” Logan asks and it’s not what Oscar expected.
“What?”
“Mate… You were obsessed with him back in the days and… I’ve seen you with him.”
A surge of panic takes over Oscar. What does Logan mean? Is he that obvious about his crush?
“But… I… What?”
“Hey, it’s okay. I don’t think he minds, you know. He looks at you the same.”
Nothing makes sense for Oscar then.
“Logs… What the fuck are you saying?”
“Just that you look at him all heart-eyes and he looks back.” Logan shrugs like he just told Oscar water boils at 100°, not like he just opened the door Oscar has tried to keep shut for the past months, the door to hope.
“Why don’t you call him or send a message? Like ‘how’s the break going, mate’…”
Oscar ponders the possibility. Having Logan pushing him into action reminds him of Lily. Without Logan, he’s not sure he would have asked her out and even if it didn’t end up in front of the altar, he still was happy with her. So perhaps he should follow his friend’s advice another time?
“Go on!” Logan insists. “I’ll order us dinner while you do that, ok?”
“Ok…So burgers?”
“If it ain't broke, don't fix it!”
Oscar grabs his phone and goes to the last message they exchanged with Lando.
A “Come to mine at 8?” sent by Lando on Saturday in Spa. And a simple thumbs up as an answer from Oscar.
Oscar knows that if he starts thinking too much about what to write, he might still be there in two days. So he decides to just go for it, and make it simple.
“Hey, mate! How’s the break going?”
Short, straight to the point, nothing hinting at some double-entendre. Perfect.
He wasn’t expecting to get an answer so fast. A picture of a smiling Lando, clearly on some boat somewhere, shirtless, tanned.
“Great! Relaxing in Croatia! You?”
“Logaaaaan!” Oscar pleads, realising how pitiful his own summer break might appear if he tells Lando the truth about the last days he spent playing Cod and watching series on his couch.
***
In the end, Oscar doesn’t really lie. He tells Lando about relaxing at home a bit before going to Portugal for a bit of sunshine. He booked the trip last minute, though. Tries to convince Logan to come with him but his friend goes back to Florida. Oscar can’t help but feel a bit pathetic as he arrives at the beautiful hotel, in his room with a view of the ocean, alone. He still takes a picture and sends it to Lando.
He gets an immediate answer.
“Nice view!🤩”
He smiles. They haven’t stopped texting in the past few days and Oscar might be getting a bit addicted to that. Most of the time, it’s just random things but two days ago, they ended up talking about the pressure they both felt now that the car was finally delivering.
Oscar can feel how their relationship has grown and keeps growing. It’s nearly all he had wished for. He’s Lando Norris’s teammate and they get along. He’s as close to the Brit as he can get. And still, he wishes for more. Perhaps he had always wanted more…
Another notification catches his attention.
It’s a picture of Lando in a plane, a private one by the look of it. He’s smiling, leaning towards nobody else than Martin Garrix.
“Martin invited me to his gig! Playing his WAG for the next day!”
“ 👍 Have fun mate!”
Oscar thinks his answers are a bit lame but he doesn’t know what else he should have said. Clearly, Lando and he have very different ideas of having fun. Something that bothers him more than it should. When at night, he lets his mind wander and he allows himself to fantasise a bit about a world where he could be with Lando, not only as a teammate or a friend, but as his boyfriends or love, he wonders how they would spend their time together… Oscar loves staying at home, watching films and playing games while Lando clearly enjoys clubs, music and just being surrounded by people… And his dream shatters when he ends up admitting this is just that, a silly dream.
***
Oscar is going crazy. He can’t explain how they went from exchanging stupid memes with Lando to telling each other about their everyday life with hourly updates to openly flirting.
He rereads the last message from Lando. An answer to Oscar having sent him a pic from his morning run.
“We should go running together. Pretty sure the back view is insane 🍑”
“I’ll keep you behind me on the track too, so you can enjoy the view!” Oscar answers, still teasing but trying not to flirt back too much.
Then, he backtracks their whole conversation, trying to find the tipping point.
It’s probably that night when Lando messaged him at 2 in the morning, probably after one of Martin’s gigs, perhaps a bit tipsy.
“I’m bored.”
Of course, Oscar had answered… and along the way, their friendly banter became something else. A stupid mention of lubricant led to Lando asking Oscar about his favourite flavour for lube and Oscar confessing his lack of knowledge in that matter.
It didn’t go further than that that night but since then, Lando hasn’t stopped flirting with Oscar, openly, like it’s the most natural thing to do. Talking about Oscar’s ass, making innuendos and double entendre.
“I’d love to be behind you outside of the car, too. Very close. Less than a thousandth”
Lando’s answer brings Oscar back to the present. It’s the most open invitation he got from the Brit and he has no idea if he can take that seriously or not…He can’t stop hoping, now, though.
And they’re seeing each other in just two days…
***
“Mark?”
“Hum?” Mark lifts his eyes from his computer and looks at Oscar. They’re in Oscar’s apartment, working on a proposal they got from McLaren. A draft for a contract extension. Oscar tries not to get his hopes up as he knows nothing will be signed before a few months and only if he keeps up with good results.
“When… When you chose Ann… Did you do it because it was the best thing for your career?”
They hadn’t talked about that since their conversation in Australia when Oscar told Mark he was going to break up with Lily because he was gay and perhaps a bit attracted to his teammate. But Oscar wants to know more now. He feels like things are moving forward with Lando, in a way he hadn’t imagined to be possible. And for the first time, he’s pondering the possibility of making a move, of risking it all… He’s convinced he would have already done it if they weren’t Formula 1 drivers and public personalities. But there is so much to lose there. For himself, for Lando and probably for the team, too.
“No.” Marks answers, without a hint of hesitation. “I mean, I thought about it. About my career and what it would mean if I had chosen Fernando. But in the end, it didn’t carry weight.”
“I think I want to… See if something could happen with Lando.”
Mark looks at him. Oscar tries to read his face but he can’t.
“I can’t make that decision for you, Oscar. Nobody can. You just need to consider all the implications. Especially if something happens.”
“I know… The secrecy, hiding, lying… The risks if it turns out nasty. For us, for the team. I know all that…”
“And you still want to take the risk?”
Oscar nods.
“Then you have your answer, don’t you?”
Mark smiles for the first time. A comforting smile. He won’t say it out loud but Oscar feels like Mark hoped Oscar would make the choice he hadn’t made years ago.
“Is it meant to end badly?” Oscar asks, finally voicing his deepest fear. He knows about Mark and Fernando, knows about Lewis and Nico and has guessed about a few others, even before Mark’s time. Sad stories, always.
“No. Sebastian and Kimi. They decided to end it amicably.”
“It still ended…”
“Oscar… I won’t lie. It’s going to be difficult, it’s going to hurt. Especially as teammates, even more if you end up competing against each other for wins. But nobody can know if you’ll be able to overcome that. And…”
Mark stops like he’s pondering what to say next.
“And?” Oscar pushes.
“Time has changed. Perhaps F1 is now ready to have a gay driver… Or two,” he adds with a little smile. “Things are different from my time. But do you want that? To be the first one? To take that risk on top of everything else?”
Oscar has already thought about that. Too many times probably. A few months ago, his answer would have been no. No, he didn’t want to be that person, the one that people would remember for his coming out rather than his achievements on the track. But since he has started to have hopes about something being possible with Lando, it’s not so evident anymore. Because, for the love of Lando, he might be ready to do all that.
“What if I am?”
“Then, I’ll be there to support you. All the way.”
“Thank you.”
Mark nods and goes back to his work.
***
Of course, Lando has to be so normal about everything. Acting like they haven’t spent the last week flirting. And Oscar has to blush each time their eyes meet.
But seeing Lando after those weeks also felt like a confirmation that whatever crush Oscar may have had in the past, it was now way more than that. Oscar can’t help but look at Lando each time he can, he can’t help but laugh at his stupid jokes, he can’t help but just follow him. He can practically hear Loang’s voice in his head: “You’re whipped, mate.”
And yes, he is. Lando and Oscar became a reality but Oscar now wants the full Lando&Oscar.
And when they part ways in the MTC parking lot, Oscar goes for a hug. Because he had been the one awkward with physical contact and Lando had respected that. He knows that, if he wants it, he should initiate it. So he does. And Lando hugs back. The hug is tight. A bit too long. Perfect.
***
As soon as Oscar gets out of the car, he looks towards Daniel’s Alpha Tauri. He lets go a sigh of relief when he sees the Australian getting out of the car, too. But he notices how he’s holding his arm against his torso and feels the cold grip of dread close around him. He wants to go to Daniel and ask him how he is but the marshall ushers him out of the track and he can only follow.
It’s only later, back in the garage, that he learns Daniel is injured. And he can’t help but feel bad. Like he had, months ago. He has come to terms with the fact that he was the one replacing Daniel at McLaren. But this? That’s a bit too much.
Tom showed him the replay of the crash, to try and understand what happened but Oscar could only focus on how Daniel had decided to crash to avoid hurting him. How Daniel ended up being hurt.
These thoughts follow Oscar back to his hotel room at the end of the day. Crashes are part of their life but knowing that he’s at least partly responsible for Daniel’s injury is something else entirely.
But before he can spiral down with these thoughts, someone knocks at his door. He wasn’t expecting anybody, having sent a message to Lando earlier, telling him he was too tired to go out for dinner.
Still, it’s Lando who’s on the other side of the door. His curls were in disarray, and his eyes red-rimmed. And as soon as Oscar opens the doors, Lando just launches himself forward and hugs Oscar.
“Lando… Hey!”
Oscar manages to close the door behind the Brit and lead them inside the room.
“Fuck.. Oscar…I was so afraid!”
Oscar gently strokes Lando’s back, realising how distressed his teammate is.
“Hey, it’s okay! Daniel is okay, he’ll be back in a few weeks!” Oscar tries to comfort Lando but the Brit just moves out of his arms and looks at him in disbelief.
“I was worried about you, you muppet!!”
“What?”
Lando looks at him like he has never done it before. With an intensity that makes Oscar shiver.
“If…. If Daniel hadn’t managed to steer… If he had crashed into you… Oscar… I… I can’t.”
Lando is back in his arms and Oscar is still confused. But he knows Lando needs the comfort of the hug, so he just holds him.
The first time, Oscar thinks it’s a shiver. The second time, he hears the sob and realises Lando is crying. He just holds him tighter. Let his hands stroke his back.
“Lando… Hey! It’s alright, I’m okay and Dan will be. Nothing bad happened.”
“But it could have,” Lando says, his voice wrecked and he gets away just enough to look at Oscar. “You don’t understand…”
“No, I don’t.”
“Do you really think I was just joking with all these texts?”
Of course, Oscar knows immediately which text he’s referring to.
“I didn’t know.”
“I wasn’t. Joking. And… I realised I didn’t tell you that.”
Oscar finally understands. But his mind is too overwhelmed for him to react.
When Lando kisses him, his lips still have the salty taste of tears and Oscar does his best to make it disappear.
“Lando…” Oscar asks when they need to breathe. “Is this… I mean…What is it?”
“Pretty sure it’s us kissing, doofus. Like I’ve wanted to do for months.”
“Oh… Might have wanted that too.”
Lando smiles and kisses him again and Oscar doesn’t feel the need to add he has wanted that for years.
***
Mai 2019
Oscar likes the post. It’s nothing really special, just Lando walking in the paddock in Monaco. And still, he spends way too much time looking at him.
He envies Lando and wishes that he’ll be able to walk around the paddock as an F1 driver, too, one day. Soon.
Things are going well for him this year. There are talks about an F3 test at the end of the year. The path to Formula 1 is still long, though.
Lando is just a year older and he’s already there. Oscar isn’t jealous. He’s just determined to catch up.
For a few minutes, he let himself imagine how it would be, to be an F1 driver, to be Lando’s teammate. He smiles at the thought. It’s a silly dream for now but it doesn’t mean it can’t become a reality.
He looks back at the picture on the little screen of his phone and zooms a bit on Lando’s face.
Should he think that Lando is cute? He doesn’t know. Doesn’t really care. It’s not like it matters in the end. Just that, Lando is cute and that tonight, Oscar will perhaps let himself think about another little scenario where he’s a bit more than just Lando’s teammate.
***
After the race, Oscar welcomes Lando to his room. Lando kisses him against the door. Later, his kisses taste like mayonnaise. And Oscar discovers that the best way to win at Call of Duty is to distract Lando with little kisses on his neck. But that’s a flawed strategy because Lando ends up blowing him and Oscar’s character gets killed on screen. Lando&Oscar exploring something new.
***
Epilogue
“To our podium!” Lando says as he clinks his Coke bottle against Oscar’s lemonade one.
It’s silly, to toast with soft drinks but it makes sense for them, in that hotel room, in Japan, after a race that felt like a dream.
“To two more years of us, too!”
Lando laughs at that.
“Nah, mate. To way more than that! McLaren or not, you’re stuck with me.”
“So, we’re doing this?” Oscar asks. Because he wants Lando to say it, out loud, to make it real.
Since Zandvoort, they have kissed, hugged, touched, and melted into each other. They haven’t really talked, though.
“Of course, we are!”
Lando’s smile is blinding.
“You really think we can make it work, then?”
“Osc… It’s not about what we believe is possible, you know. It’s about what we will do to make it possible.”
Oscar isn’t sure he understands what Lando means. The Brit comes closer to him as if he wants to kiss him but he doesn’t.
“At the beginning of the season, we never believed we could end up here, on this podium, together. But we still did everything we could to make it happen.”
“Oh… Yeah.”
“So we’ll make it happen. You and me.”
“Yeah.”
This time Lando kisses him. A coke-flavoured kiss with a hint of forever and dream came true. Lando&Oscar in golden letters.