Work Text:
It’s raining.
It has already been a few weeks since the King’s defeat, since his universe-breaking temper tantrum, since his family broke him free from the hopeless time loops. Siffrin was still surprised by the rain, or any weather other than a bright sunny day and the starlit night sky. The smell, the sensation of rain hitting their body, the darker sky… Every now and then, it reminds him that this is real, that it’s over.
Under a towering oak tree, which also happens to be this town’s Favor tree, Siffrin took refuge from the relentless downpour. The others are in town, doing their own respective tasks. He didn’t have anything in particular he needed or wanted to do, so he came out into the woods. They didn’t let him wander off on his own until today, and even then Odile was reluctant to let him go off on his own.
The rain doesn’t seem to be stopping any time soon, so they sit down and stare at the rustling leaves, droplets still seep through, but it’s better than standing in the clearing. They could almost hear Isa and Mira rushing over to surround them with blankets and Bonbon handing them warm tea and Madame Odile sighing at the sight of him sopping wet. The first time it rained after the loops they were so overjoyed, they spent the entire time outside getting soaked and playing with Bonbon. Both of them got a cold and a worried scolding from Odile.
He had promised his family to talk to them. Though he hasn’t exactly done it well at the start, and detested the vulnerability he felt, they have been steadily helping him through… pretty much everything. They learned to push him to talk for his own good even when he was being extremely difficult and never judged him for anything, from vomiting over the smell of bananas or sugar, to his overreactions to stimulus - like drawing his dagger on anything that spooked him, such as his loved ones, to his constant nightmares and waking them up every other night.
They must be tired of this - His inner voice spoke - You have not changed much, have you? Are you just pretending to be this way so they would keep their eye out for you? So you could enjoy their attention and cooing? You’re manipulating them, as you always do. Get over it.
Something cold hit their face and they jolted, hand on his dagger, ready to strike, but it was only a big drop of rainwater. The adrenaline kicked in still, and their heart raced. They closed their eye, and slowly steadied their breathing. In… and out… In… and out…
Their family had told them once, twice, many times, that they aren't doing this out of obligation. They aren't doing this because they are pretending to like him. They aren’t annoyed by him (much as he doubted). “They aren't. They aren't. They aren't.” He repeated to himself, but the feeling stayed in his chest. He opened his eye once more and looked up towards the sky through the gaps in the tree’s crown, and let rustling of leaves and rain fill his ears.
It’s cold and windy today, and their cloak keeps them perfectly warm despite the rain.
"Your cloak has Craft woven into the seams! It keeps you comfortable no matter what weather you’re in and grows in size with you." Isa told them once (many times), with his gentle smile, “This is so very intricate! whoever made this for you must’ve really cared for you!”
I wonder who made it for me... I wonder...
His mind wandered back to the night he rowed out into the sea, it was only to mess with his parents… But who were they? Why did he do that again? Where did he come from? What’s its name? He tried to grasp it, but the harder he tried the further away it slipped from him. Like sand, it crumbled and slithered away between his fingers. Like water, it flowed and washed over him and left him with nothing.
The emptiness is unbearable. His mind throbbed with pain.
And it’s not the first time Siffrin tried. He had plenty of time to think during the loops, after all. Every time, to no avail. He even died for it once, and nothing came to him still.
"Do you remember?" Asked the King, over and over he heard this question.
I wish…
What is it like? - Siffrin thought - I want to see it with my own eyes. I want to remember, I want to know, I want to speak its name.
It must’ve been nice... having remembered it right before he froze.
I wish I could...
Their hand moved towards their side, where their dagger sat, unsheathed and aligned it with their artillery on their neck with painfully practiced precision.
…What if I—
No.
"No. No, no no--" they jolted, with a swift motion and a damp thud, the dagger now stuck in the tree’s trunk. A shiver ran down their spine, cold as ice.
I’m not immortal, not anymore - They remind themself - I have a family now, I have a family here. I can’t want it.
How dare you be so selfish, Siffrin?! They are putting up with so much of your antics already, they go out of their way to make sure you don’t have any of your breakdowns over the silliest stupidest thing like a damn banana and now you want to just leave them behind and kill yourself just to chase your past?? A past that does not exist?! Stars, you're disgusting.
… And it’s not like you could remember when you died the last 92 times, don’t be stupid.