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Two days and three nights, that's the timeframe.
Wade hadn't even really gone that far, he was in New Jersey. That barely counts. He was still in the tri-state area, the New York metropolitan area if you will. But Spidey apparently had the separation anxiety of a small dog because if Wade wasn't in New York – even for as little as barely more than a weekend – then it was over for his notifications. And if he ever needed proof that Spidey did actually like him, all he had to do was check his second phone. Obsessed one might even say. Takes one to know one.
It's funny really. In person Spider-Man held his cards close to his chest, but the minute Spidey couldn't see Wade he was spilling his life story like no one's business. Wade never learns more than when he's not there.
He scrolled through the texts first in the downtime he had during his stakeout.
baby-bxy: sometimes i remember Kingpin owns Spider-Man's IP and i groan internally
Wade almost stopped in his tracks. Why hadn't he thought of that? No seriously why didn't I think of that? (Buy them.) From the Frizz Kingpin? No way. It'd be easier to just kill the guy than pry the IP from his grubby hands. (Can you believe that guy's almost entirely muscle?)
Wait back track how does that even happen? I've gotta look at the comic that explains it.
(Hold up, does someone own Deadpool's IP?)
Holy fuck! I've been putting money in Kingpin's pocket each time I bought Spidey merch!
He kept reading despite his internal crisis.
baby-bxy: telling all new heroes to open an LLC and copyright themselves before even starting to fight crime
baby-bxy: just another example of how i failed to participate successfully in a capitalist society
Idea: gift Deadpool IP to Spider-Man? Isn't that romantic?
baby-bxy: the only thing i have going for me is the free hot dogs for life
He says as if I don't pay for all his food. (Read the room, you're not "for life.") Okay rude. (Do you ever think about the fact that he'll die one day?)
(No one? Okay.)
baby-bxy: be honest
baby-bxy: do you think Lizard is onto something
baby-bxy: maybe i should just let him turn everyone into lizard people
baby-bxy: just once
Lizard or as we like to call him: slightly Walmart version of Hulk. See also Green Goblin–no relation to the Hobgoblin. Not confusing at all.
baby-bxy: or maybe we should all be dinosaurs
(If you don't know, Google "Sauron Spider-Man" and click the first image I promise you will not be disappointed.) Don't make assumptions. Anyways, what is it with turning humanity into animals? Wait, what if we just let Sauron and Lizard duke it out. See who wins that fight.
baby-bxy: i think i'm doing this wrong
baby-bxy: why aren't i trying to turn everyone into spiders?
Spidey v. Lizard v. Sauron, we already know who's gonna win.
Wade also liked the messages that he just knew Spidey wrote in his civvies like:
baby-bxy: I've been on hold for 30 minutes and the music loops every minute I'm going insane
And;
baby-bxy: i always forget how long laundry takes until i actually start doing it
On top of various text messages, Spidey would also sometimes send photos of what Wade was missing from around the city or the occasional screen shot. For example:
baby-bxy: < image >
baby-bxy: black squirrel
Or;
baby-bxy: < image >
baby-bxy: free cake on sunday
It was very cute.
Did Wade mention it's been two days? Spideybabe is lonely colon open parenthesis. (Even text-to-speech knows to say frowny face.) It's sad face not frowny face, you two are both wrong stop embarrassing me.
Eventually Wade made his way through all the messages, though the last one was a little strange.
baby-bxy: shouldnt have got the cheap stuff
Either way, Wade switched gears and started going through the small backlog of voicemails–it was possible there could be some context in one of them.
"There's been a rat stuck in my wall for two days and no one would come get it out." Spidey's voice came through his earbuds. He wasn't playing it out loud to respect Spider-Man's privacy and also the fact he was currently following someone he's supposed to be paying attention to. (It gets boring without auditory stimuli.) "I got so annoyed at the scratching and scuttling that I punched a hole in the wall myself and got the guy out but now I've got a hole in my wall that I can't fix so I am not getting my deposit back.
"Oh and update on living next to what has to be the only guy in New York City with a chainsaw: he turned it on again this morning at 8 and it's. So. Loud. It feels like he's using it inside my room. It can even bleed into my noise canceling headphones–the expensive ones I only barely didn't break bank on because they were on sale." Why is our favorite vigilante poor? That's the real crime here. "I am this close to deciding he's a threat to society because it can't be just me right?" Oh please do baby I won't tell. "Having enhanced hearing is so annoying but I can't wear my headphones all the time because I need to listen to my surroundings, so I guess I just have to suffer."
It's all fun and games, but people – maybe even Spidey himself – seem to forget how community-based he really is. Spider-Man is the friendly neighborhood hero, yes he "works alone" but he needs people. So as much as he can help it, Wade is never going to go away. Okay so maybe he's not physically there right now, but his presence still matters.
Wade continued to go through the voicemails, raising the volume so he can hear over the gunshots.
"You know, Spider stuff just became a part of my brain. I knew things that I never studied before I, of course, nosedived into spider research.
"Mutations. They're just biology you know? It's in my DNA now. I've got pheromones – gross I know – and my Spider-Sense is a frequency which I found out the hard way. Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if I got bit later in life. I've got a feeling less people would confuse me for a twelve-year-old though.
"Oh you know what else I hate Wade?" He felt his face immediately split into a smile at the name drop. Wade mentally knows that Spidey – PJ even – is talking directly to him, but something about getting called out made it feel even more personal. "Bugs! I hate flies that buzz around the room like bees and then randomly fly right next to my ear. I will and have stayed up all night killing every mosquito that found their way into my apartment bedroom. Do not even get me started on the years when the cicadas pop out, but Wade. The same fucking thing you use against insects, fucking ethyl chloride"—oh he's using those big words again—"is my Achilles heel. And this shit is in pharmaceuticals too! I can survive getting thrown through a building but God forbid someone pulls out a little bit of bug spray or a little bit of pain reliever. Can you believe that Spider-Man can be defeated with pesticides and anesthesia?"
It really does put a crimp in the whole "menace" thing.
"I guess everyone goes down with anesthesia but that's what makes it worse. I lose my powers and go out for the count and it's ridiculous and I've been up for way too long so here's my question: can I build up my tolerance to it? At least the effect on my powers? Theoretically I should be able to, the tricky part is figuring out the balance of it all. How much is too much Chloroethane and slowly pushing that further back. I'll be reporting back in an hour probably."
There's pause where Spidey doesn't hang-up. It was part of the fun in voicemails. It was like a podcast Wade so desperately wanted to be a part of while he did other menial tasks like cleaning his guns or tying a person to a chair so he can torture them when they wake up.
"I won't lie," Spidey eventually continued, "last time I did this it went poorly. You were right, by the way. I do have scars. Two sets of twin lines on my sides from when I accidentally gave myself 4 extra arms. It was a bad time in my life, and I was trying to get rid of my powers, but they got amplified instead. I'm sure you're laughing, but it wasn't nearly as funny in the moment." He sounds insane. Giving off some real mad scientist vibes. I kind of love it. "I had to get help on the cure, which was a lot, but it's different this time. Because 1) that was a more impulsive decision and 2) I'm not alone this time, so if anything happens… yeah."
"Is he talking about us?" Wade asked, pausing the voicemail.
(But you're not there. It sounded like someone was there.)
"So what you think he's hiding someone from us?"
(Mystery person alert?) There's no mystery person. (Oh there's totally someone there with him. We're second fiddle!) Keep playing.
"So, anyways," Spidey continued, "the plan is to just go for it? Just spray it like perfume"–(he's talking to the mystery person-) no shut up there's no mystery guy- (oh so it's a guy-)–"and we'll see what happens."
"He said we," Wade said.
(He's cheating on us, it's over. Never go back to New York. Or we go back immediately and kill-) Not to interrupt you being an insecure girlfriend, but the voicemail is over.
Wade checked, and sure enough it was over. Not to mention that was the last voicemail. Last message entirely exactly. And it was 4hrs ago.
"Did he fucking kill himself with bug spray? Cuz I'm going to kill him that idiot." (You can't kill him if he's dead. You can kill the mystery fucker though.) For the last time there's no mystery-
"I refuse to believe this is how he dies."
(It'd be terrible for his image if we have to say Spider-Man died of an overdose.)
"He did not die."
Will you guys listen to me for one moment-
"Oh my god everyone shut the fuck up I know who the mystery guy is. It's Peter Parker." What? "Think about it, who's the only other person as close to Spidey as us?"
(Peter Parker killed Spider-Man?) Spidey's not dead-
"I knew I hated Parker for a reason."
(What are we going to do?) Nothing! We're not doing anything because Parker didn't kill Spidey because Spidey isn't dead! And anyways, we're on a job in New Jersey.
Wade looked at the mark he had tied up, still out of it and completely oblivious. He sighed and hit the dude in the head with the butt of his gun. That woke the target up pretty easily.
"Listen, the Chowder to my Panini stopped texting me, so we need to wrap things up here, so I can haul ass over there. Thanks for understanding." Then, without hesitation, Wade shot the target in his leg and gave the little spiel he was supposed to. It was just a scare gig, and he couldn't care less.
Halfway back to New York Wade gets a ping:
baby-bxy: I just had the worst nightmare in my life so too much bug spray
Wade pauses.
(So no killing Parker?)
"He's on thin ice."