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things weren't supposed to get to this point, of course, but by the time yoongi noticed, things felt a bit too broken to be fixed with some cuddling and kisses.
he didn't mean for it to get this far, no, and he's sure jeongguk didn't mean it either, his little sweetheart could never wish something like this for them, but the same way time seemed to have escaped yoongi's hands, it seemed to have escaped jeongguk's too.
it all started with a bad day. a bad day at work, a rough day in class, a bad grade, a torn-down report. tomorrow will be better, they had both said, it can't get any worse.
but one day turned into two, and then three, then a week, then two, and yoongi wants to help, he really does, he wants to extend his hand and help pull jeongguk up when he sees him curled up on the couch surrounded by books and notes, small tears in his eyes.
he wants to help him, so badly, he wants to take all of jeongguk's burdens and put them on his own shoulders even if just to relieve his boyfriend for a bit.
that would be ideal, the way they always have worked, helping each other through rough times. the only problem is that yoongi can't pull jeongguk up when he himself is also buried in a hole in the ground.
it pains him to admit, makes guilt bubble in the pit of his stomach, but when he thinks back to all the nights they've spent apart in the last month, all the nights they've spent laying back-to-back, unable to face each other, all the lonely meals, all the unanswered texts, he realizes that at the very beginning, when his support was needed the most, he wasn't there.
it might seem irrational for anyone outside of their relationship. it might seem irrational even to jeongguk, who would probably scold him for thinking like this, but there's this protective thing deep in yoongi's chest that always refuses to give in.
namjoon says it might be because of their dynamic, that it might be because, in addition to being jeongguk's boyfriend, yoongi is his caregiver too. his friend, also experienced in the age regression community, says that maybe the overwhelmingly protective feelings yoongi has towards jeongguk might be because of how utterly vulnerable he has seen him, because of how his brain is half used to having to be so dependable, so big.
yoongi can't say he totally agrees. he does think that his caregiver/little dynamic with jeongguk might be responsible for these feelings intensifying, but if he looks back, he has always been this way with his partners, wanting to fix everything for them, wanting to take care of everything and make their life easier in any possible way.
that's him being in caregiver space, namjoon says.
yoongi again isn't so sure.
it's in part this trait what has bonded them so well, jeongguk and him, their compatibility in every headspace has made their relationship go as smoothly as possible, but it's in moments like this when yoongi thinks about how he should be more careful, they both should be more careful.
because if yoongi wasn't so fixated on fixing everything he might've been able to help jeongguk earlier. he might've been able to rely more on his boyfriend, share his own struggles, and help them both vent. if he wasn't so fixated on being some sort of super boyfriend, he might've been able to offer jeongguk his hand since the very first bad day, instead of trying to make absolutely everything better, trying to forcefully push through his own shit to then focus all of his attention on helping jeongguk with his.
yoongi doesn't push through his shit. not fast enough, at least, because believe it or not, he's not a superhuman who can deal with every hardship alone, and once again, his need to provide had made him neglect what should've been more important, which is communicating with his partner, instead of immediately turning into himself.
and by the time reality hits him again too much time has gone by. he can't remember the last time he saw jeongguk sincerely smile, the last time they shared a simple, loving moment together without the outside world bothering them. he can't remember the last time they weren't tiptoeing around each other, trying not to upset their partner and cause an unnecessary fight none of them really have the energy to have.
he can't remember the last time he saw koo.
and his heart aches aches aches aches.
he doesn't only feel guilty, he doesn't only blame himself, but he also feels lonely, he feels lost.
yoongi doesn't only want this for jeongguk, to see him finally relax and let go, see him genuinely giggle and have a good time, but he wants it for himself too, because one of the only things that could make him feel better right now is a tight bear hug from his little love.
but even after they manage to make the time for a playdate, even after jeongguk tries his best and manages to regress, it seems like the bad days just don't wanna go away.
he had seen jeongguk try, try so hard, and he had helped too, trying to coax him into a smaller headspace, using all the tricks that normally get koo to come out in mere seconds but that today didn't seem to work.
yoongi saw the frustration on jeongguk's face, the way he scoffed at himself, willing his muscles to go lax as he hid his face in the crook of yoongi's neck.
he had rocked him back and forth, petting his hair and praising him for his hard work.
the worry that this would happen stayed in a far corner of his mind, pushed down and forced to shut down, but when jeongguk started crying, and then sobbing, and then thrashing around, he knew they had fucked up.
jeongguk didn't regress because of any of their efforts. he impurely regressed because he couldn’t handle the frustration of not managing to regress, to fulfill yoongi's wishes, to be good for him.
what had followed had been some of the most stressful and heartbreaking hours of yoongi's life, even if he tried his very best not to let it show.
he had seen some of jeongguk's impure regressions before, and he had also seen jeongguk regress and just be in a sadder, more weepy mood, but seeing jeongguk in a state like this and knowing that instead of protecting him, he played a part in it happening made yoongi so distressed his chest felt numb.
jeongguk had not only been extremely bratty, refusing to follow any instruction whatsoever, but he had also been very fussy, thrashing around and throwing tantrums whenever yoongi had tried to make him comply.
today everything had been a problem, every single thing ensued a fight. eating his healthy snack, finishing his drink, playing carefully with his toys, not ripping his coloring book pages apart, jeongguk wanting to be carried even if he never asked for it because he knew yoongi's injured shoulder wouldn't allow him to pick jeongguk up.
and normally this wouldn't be that much of a problem, especially with how deeply in carer headspace yoongi feels. he'd normally thrive on the opportunity to soothe jeongguk down and help him calm down, ease him into a gentler mood, and respectfully follow his appa's instructions.
the truth is he doesn't even mind that much if jeongguk doesn't follow instructions. he's a baby, after all, he's bound to misbehave sometimes, to not know how to manage his feelings and try to express them in less-than-mature ways.
what burns in yoongi's chest is that none of this would matter if jeongguk was actually physically smaller, or if he was bigger, but the truth is, yoongi simply can't contain jeongguk when he's really fighting back. he's not big enough, not strong enough, and he doesn’t know if jeongguk's actually aware right now of how overwhelming his strength is, how easily he can overpower his caregiver, but he's doing it nonetheless.
he can feel his own headspace hanging by a thread with the way he's so utterly powerless, unable to provide any type of comfort or discipline to his baby, the one that's normally the most well-behaved, easy-to-handle little in the whole world.
the restlessness thrums inside his veins as he watches, again, the way jeongguk cries and throws one of their decorative pillows hard against the wall. he doesn't even remember why jeongguk's crying now, what was the direction he so badly wanted to rebel against, because his mind is only filled with how useless and incompetent he is as a caregiver, letting the person he's supposed to take care of hurt like this.
this isn't the way things are supposed to go, it isn't the way things usually go for them. this was supposed to be a moment to bring them both closer, to somehow heal from the things life had been recently throwing at them.
if he had known regressing would make jeongguk feel worse he would've never suggested it, would've never encouraged it.
but he didn't know.
he should've known, a venomous voice in his head says. he should've known, would have if he wasn't so selfish, if he hadn't let himself get carried away by his own needs, his own wishes, his stupid caregiver headspace that was yelling at him to place jeongguk in his lap and hold him close for hours because he was too scared that his little one would suddenly go away.
this wouldn't be happening if he had known better, had done better.
again, just like everything else, this is his fucking fault.
“wan’ cookie!” jeongguk shrieks, his fists hitting the couch, fat tears spilling down his flushed cheeks.
right, sweets before dinner, that's what this is about.
“koo,” yoongi tries, taking a careful and gentle step in jeongguk's direction. “you know we can't have sweets before dinner, baby, but if you eat everything we can have them after we eat!” he explains for the thousandth time, trying to keep his voice cheerful, frustration and desperation locked deep inside his chest.
“no!” jeongguk yells, kicking his legs, keeping yoongi away. “now!”
yoongi takes a step back, trying not to get hit. he can feel the telltale signs of tears prickling in his eyes, ready to spill, and “bun, no, we can't-”
jeongguk looks at him, their eyes locking together, his pretty face scrunched up in upsetness. yoongi doesn't think he has ever felt this small in his life and-
“i hate you!”
white noise fills yoongi's ears. the words, spat with so much hatred and sincerity feel not unlike a knife piercing his chest. icy cold, deep, and so, so painful.
he freezes in place, eyes as lost as his mind feels, arms falling limp to his sides.
jeongguk's cries die down as if he too, even so deeply regressed, had noticed the gravity of his mistake, the shift in his caregiver's stance. not that yoongi's able to notice, his chest filled with cotton as the first hot tears trickle down his cheeks.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
koo hates him. jeongguk hates him.
yoongi also hates himself.
suddenly he feels like throwing up, like running, far, far away, and hiding in a place where no one would ever be able to find him. him and his failure.
i hate you, his mind repeats. his legs feel weak like he's about to fall to his knees.
there's no fixing this, the most irrational part of his brain says. this is how badly you fucked up. jeongguk doesn’t love you anymore. he's gonna break up with you. this is the end.
“okay,” yoongi whispers, his voice barely audible even if the living room was so quiet they could've heard a needle hit the ground. “okay,” he repeats, trying to blink away the tears that don't let him see. he doesn't even know if he actually wants to see, if he's ready to face whatever emotion is now reflected in jeongguk's face.
his legs carry him away, his body moving on its own as he picks up his phone and dials the number in speed call. there's nothing he wants more than to lock himself in the bathroom, but he doesn’t dare to close the door behind him, just in case, just in case jeongguk could need something, could need him.
“appa?” koo's sweet voice calls, sounding confused, scared, unsure, all at the same time.
yoongi doesn't know what he's supposed to say back, but he doesn’t have to think about it because a second later namjoon picks up the call. “hyung?” his deep voice asks.
“joon-” yoongi breathes, trying his best to keep his voice steady not to scare his friend. don't break down, don't break down, don't break down. “can you- can you come here, please? i-” a sob cuts him off. “i need- jeongguk- he needs-” the words escape him as his crying only gets louder, uglier now that he doesn’t have anything to stop him. “take care of him,” he finally manages, closing his eyes as his back hits the wall. “please, please, take care of him.”
“hyung, where are you?” namjoon asks, his frantic voice almost lost in the background noise of him moving around. “are you hurt? is jeongguk hurt?”
yoongi wills his sobs to quiet down, he counts his breaths the way his therapist taught him to, four in, hold for seven, eight out. “home,” he chokes.
more noise can be heard from the other side of the line, keys, doors closing, hurried steps. “i'm on my way, hyung, i'll be there as soon as i can, don't hang up, okay? don't hang up,” namjoon repeats, almost begging. “is anyone hurt?” he asks again.
“no,” yoongi manages, and he can almost see behind his closed eyelids the way the younger exhales in relief. “no one's hurt but i- joon i fucked up,” he cries, “he's small and he's never gonna forgive me because i'm such a fuck-up.” saying it out loud somehow only makes it worse, makes it more real, but now that he said it he can't stop. this is his punishment, he realizes, living with this is his punishment, letting everyone know that he failed. “he's- never going to f-forgive me,” he cries again, his nails digging into his palm.
“yoongi!” namjoon's raised voice brings him back. this time he doesn't sound as frantic anymore. there's still an edge of worry, of confusion, but mostly the other carer seems to have slipped right into his role, ready to help not only jeongguk but yoongi too. “jeongguk loves you,” he says slowly, enunciating every syllable. “he will forgive you because he loves you more than anything.”
he knows namjoon's words are supposed to be reassuring, but right now they feel like nothing but a further burn. “he hates me,” he argues.
“he could never,” namjoon argues back. “he looks at you like you are the only person in this world, like you-”
“he said he hates me!” yoongi explodes. “he said he hates me! if he feels like this when regressed how is he feeling when he's big?! how can i believe it's not over?!” jeongguk must be scared, a part of his brain says, he must be scared to hear him like this, he shouldn't be yelling, he shouldn't be breaking down, he has a duty, a responsibility, a compromise with jeongguk first and foremost, one that he should honor even if jeongguk doesn’t want him romantically anymore because he needs someone right now, he needs a person to take care of him right now. “you have to take care of him,” he begs in a whisper, quieter now because of the dejection and worry, but also because the energy is slowly leaving his body, making him want to curl up on the floor and cry until he has no more tears to give. peacefully mourn the most beautiful thing he had in his life. “i can't so- so please, namjoon, take care of him.”
“i'm on my way, hyung,” is the only thing namjoon says. “i'll be there in a minute, stay on the call, okay? i'll take care of your baby for as long as you need me to, don't worry about it,” he assures him. “jeongguk doesn’t hate you, no one hates you, even if right now it feels like that.”
as namjoon instructed him, yoongi stays on the line, but he doesn’t waste any more energy arguing with him. namjoon's words taste fake and plastic on his tongue, but yoongi's so tired, so, so tired, he just lets himself slide against the wall until his ass hits the ground and stays like that until the younger lets himself in, using the door code yoongi had shared with him in case of emergency.
guess this does qualify as an emergency.
he hears namjoon's socked but still heavy steps wandering around the living room and before he can find him, yoongi scrambles to get up on his feet. he meets namjoon in the hallway, phone still in hand, not even bothering to clean his face. he's not sure what he looks like, but it must be worse than he thought judging by namjoon's expression, by the way his thick lips thin out in a line.
“he's-” yoongi tries, voice raw from all the crying. “he's probably in the room hiding, he impure regressed earlier and was acting- he wasn't having a great time,” he explains meekly. “he's probably scared so just- be very patient with him, alright? it's not his fault.”
namjoon closes the distance between them in a second, wrapping yoongi tightly in his arms. “i know it's not. it's not your fault either, hyung,” he says. yoongi doesn't have the energy to hug him back, but he also doesn't have it in him to fight the affection he so desperately needs but feels like he doesn't deserve. “i'll take good care of him until you can do it again.”
yoongi nods jerkily and with that, the younger carer breaks the hug. “i'll go to seokjin hyung's,” he announces, “you go find gguk.”
namjoon nods, giving yoongi's uninjured shoulder a brief squeeze before turning in the direction of the bedroom. “text me when you get there.”
“yeah.”
he exits the apartment quickly, stopping only to text seokjin, asking if he's home, and then when he gets a positive response he calls a cab. the whole 15-minute ride is spent looking out the window, feeling too tired and empty to even cry. he knows the waterworks are gonna start again as soon as he gets to seokjin's, so he has no hurry to start in front of a stranger.
seokjin opens the door for him before he can even knock twice, and just as predicted, yoongi breaks down again at the mere sight of his hyung.
“it's alright, yoongi-yah, you can cry, you're alright,” seokjin mumbles against his hair, holding him close to his body once he gets the younger safe inside the apartment. “let it all out.”
“i'm just- i-” yoongi tries to explain, his whole face scrunching up with the strength of his sobs. “you didn't see his face, hyung,” he says, “he looked at me and said it like- like he really fucking meant it!”
seokjin hums, rocking him slightly from side to side. “jeonggukie says things he doesn't really mean sometimes when he's small,” he reasons.
“i know he does,” yoongi sniffles, “but it doesn't matter if- if he doesn't really hate me now. for a moment he did, hyung, i know he did.”
silence fills the room as seokjin decides to just hold him, let him vent and debrief. he has known yoongi for a while now, almost as long as namjoon has, and he has seen yoongi in this state in the past. he has seen his friend cry, has seen him heartbroken, has seen him sad, depressed, overwhelmed, you name it. seokjin throughout the years has seen all the parts of yoongi other people would consider ugly or bad, has seen them, heard them, and has decided to take care of them and keep them close to his heart, because he has also seen yoongi at his best, has seen him laugh until he cries, has seen him fall in love, has seen him at his happiest, most euphoric, and if he has loved those parts, he can only love the man that's now crying on his lap.
yoongi has chosen seokjin to be at his most vulnerable with, has relied on their short age difference to lean on him, and seokjin has learned how to handle that.
he knows that arguing with yoongi right now, when he's still agitated and panicked is useless, knows that he needs to give him time and space to gather his emotions and draw the necessary conclusions himself, and knows that if he tries to soothe yoongi with words now, it's mostly for his own peace of mind instead than to actually change yoongi's.
“he was struggling so much, hyung, even in little space,” yoongi says, taking in a shaky breath, “he shouldn't have to deal with that while he's little, he's not supposed to, it's supposed to make him feel better, i should've made him feel better.”
“but you were also hurting, yoongi.”
he shakes his head. “but that's not his fault! i'm the caregiver, i'm the one supposed to deal with this shit!”
“your feelings are not your fault either,” seokjin insists. “you didn't force jeongguk to try and regress, you didn't push him into little space, he also wanted it, he also thought it would make things better for both of you. you made a mistake, yes, but you both made it, you can't put all the blame on yourself.” his hands find yoongi's hair, petting it softly as he thinks about how to word what he's going to say next. “jeongguk said something he shouldn't have, something i'm sure he will regret as soon as he feels big again. he said it because he was under a lot of stress and very upset, and i know that you want to make everything better for him, but you can't just… you can't just grab his feelings and take them away, you can't fix someone's feelings, that's not your responsibility, yoongi-yah.”
“it's not his fault,” yoongi says again, although weaker this time. “i should have handled it better, i was so focused on pretending nothing was wrong that i made it worse.”
seokjin sighs, shaking his head in disagreement, but also defeat. “you did what you thought was the best,” he repeats. “your feelings also matter, even if you are a caregiver, and today your feelings were hurt. you can't punish yourself for reacting emotionally.”
agree to disagree it is then, they both acknowledge. the wound is still too fresh to actually deal with it, even if yoongi's slowly calming down.
“can i stay here tonight?” he asks after what could've been hours of silence.
“you know you always can, yoongicchi.”
joon
> hey hyung
> just wanted to let you know jeongguk's fine
> he came out of little space a while ago but i'm still here just in case, i'll probably spend the night
> take care of yourself and take all the time you need
> i'm confident things will get better for the two of you
> also i have a thing for you
> please listen to it when you feel better
> audio file
googie
> hyung i know you are at seokjin hyung's now
> and that you probably won't be checking your phone
> i'm sorry hyung
> i'm so so sorry
> and i love you
> i love you so much
> you are the best thing that has ever happened to me yeobo
> and i know what i said was terrible and i'm gonna regret it forever
> and that an apology text is nothing but i had to say it
> i miss you so much
> i want to see you so badly right now
> i'm grateful seokjin hyung is taking care of you
> i'll be waiting for you at home kitty hyung
> and koo will be waiting too
> i love you
> i love you
it's only late in the afternoon that yoongi finally checks his phone. he woke up late, later than he's used to, because he spent way too long tossing and turning in seokjin's guest room, thinking and thinking and overthinking about his feelings, about jeongguk's feelings. replaying the events from the previous day over and over again in his head, picking apart every single one of his decisions, his actions, his words.
seokjin makes him some coffee when he wakes up and he doesn’t have time to have anything other than an energy bar for breakfast before his hyung is finishing lunch, placing a generous bowl of japchae in front of him. yoongi doesn't mention it out loud, but he knows that today's menu was based on seokjin knowing japchae is his favorite dish.
after lunch yoongi offers himself to clean up, and when he's done seokjin is waiting for him on the couch, a dumb variety show playing in the background.
they sit together and pretend to pay attention, sometimes even laughing at some jokes they manage to get, but the truth is none of them are too into it. it's not long until yoongi starts feeling restless. he hates having unsolved matters, hates not being able to resolve problems as soon as they present themselves, and the anxiety of now knowing jeongguk's feelings, not knowing if he's really hating him right now makes him bounce his leg uncontrollably.
he gives up soon after, going to the guest room to check his phone, which he had turned off the night before after texting namjoon, letting him know he arrived safely to seokjin's place. he checks namjoon's texts first, figuring they're going to be the easiest to digest.
he's right, yoongi can't help the way his chest feels a bit lighter knowing that jeongguk's okay, that he safely came out of little space, and that his friend was true to his word and stayed by his side the whole night. he eyes the audio file suspiciously, not sure if he wants to know what's in there, even if he's certain namjoon wouldn't send him something that'd make him spiral again.
curiosity gets the best of him at the end. curiosity and the fact that he's avoiding opening jeongguk's texts at all costs. he can see the last one, on the notification's preview. he can see the ‘i love you’ but he can also see that there's more before that, more things he's not sure he's ready to face.
he brings the phone to his ear as he presses play on the audio. the first thing he hears is some rustling of clothes, someone adjusting things, and a respiration way too close to the mic, and koo's shaky, unsure voice fills his ears a second after. “a-appa!” yoongi sucks in a sharp breath, eyes filling with tears. “uh hyeong- hyeong's here! with koo! came to- to care for me.” koo says, nervously lacing with his forced cheerful tone, the one he uses when he has an oopsie and doesn't want to tell yoongi. “uhm i- i cleaned up! my uh, my toys and then, then i, ah, had dinner. with no cookie b'for! i wa-washed up and brushed my teef and, and, and then i put on jammies! ‘ones with kitty like appa! koo was uh, was meanie b'for n’ really sowwy- s-sowwy cause koo love appa and miss appa lots.” his lisp gets stronger the more he talks, and yoongi can clearly picture him slipping deeper and deeper, overwhelmed by his emotions. “so- so was good for hyeong! n’ listened n’ play- play nice and did good! koo good appa, pwomise, very good so- so appa… appa come back? koo nice s-so appa come back n-now? n’ kiss n’ nigh-nigh, appa, koo loves yous lots n’ hyeong said was good so now appa come back, kay?” he asks, begs. “appa, come back now. mwah.”
yoongi chokes on a sob he doesn't allow himself to let out, and with shaky fingers and view clouded by tears, he opens jeongguk's texts. a pitiful whimper makes it past his lips, as he decides then and there that it's time for him to go back home.
googie
< i'm heading back home now
the reply comes instantly after.
> are you sure, hyung? please don't feel pressured to
> i know
> i know things are hard right now
< i'm sure, gguk
< we have to talk
> okay
> okay, i'll be waiting for you then
< good, i'll be there in a bit
< and gguk?
yoongi bites his lip. is it too soon? is this too rushed? should he keep talking or just keep his mouth shut until they have an adult conversation about what happened?
fuck it.
< i love you
it's probably the easiest, most sincere thing yoongi has ever said.
he rushes out of the apartment not before thanking seokjin and giving him a tight hug, his hyung wishing him luck and giving him some encouragement before letting him go. the whole ride back to his apartment goes by in a blur, he wants to get home as soon as physically possible, as soon as seoul's public transport allows, but he also can't stop himself when he's getting out of the metro and sees one of jeongguk's favorite bakeries.
now, with a bag filled with sweets and his chest filled with hope he unlocks his apartment door.
the first thing he notices is the absence of namjoon's shoes by the door, which means the younger must have left sometime between him texting jeongguk and getting to the flat. he wouldn't dare to say it out loud, but he's a bit glad knowing he's going to be alone with jeongguk right now. he's about to notice some more stuff, as he slips out of his sneakers. he's about to notice how quiet the place is, how all the lights are turned off even if the sun is already setting, drowning the apartment in golden shades and soon, darkness.
he's about to notice how all of koo's plushies are now sitting on the couch, neatly aligned, not one of them out of place.
he could've noticed a lot of things if he'd had more time, but the minute he gets his second shoe off, he gets ferociously attacked by his boyfriend, who knocks his body against yoongi's, immediately clinging to him, arms thrown around his shoulders as he hides his beautiful face on yoongi's neck.
he lets out a sound of surprise, stumbling back a couple of steps, but anything he might want to say is quickly drowned in jeongguk's slurred speech. “i love you,” he says, wails, the desperation so clear in his voice yoongi can almost taste it, bitter as it is. “i love you, i love you, i love you, hyung, i love you so much, love you so, so much there's not- not enough words-” his neck feels wet and he quickly realizes that jeongguk's now crying. “i'm so sorry, i'm so, so sorry,” he wails, “i could never hate you, never, i love you so much, yoongi hyung, so much it sometimes hurts, sometimes i don't know what to do and i- i-”
it takes a brief second, but the helpless stuttering makes yoongi jump back into reality, back in the safety of a situation he knows how to navigate, knows how to take care of.
he circles jeongguk's waist with one of his arms, forcing their bodies flush together, not even a fraction of a centimeter separating them. his other hand flies to jeongguk's nape, gently pushing his head further against his neck, cradling him as close as physically possible.
“it's okay,” yoongi softly shushes him, “you are okay, it's okay, baby, calm down, breathe for me, alright? there's no hurry, we have time to talk, it's okay.”
he's so focused on comforting jeongguk he doesn't even notice the way his voice breaks. faced with his baby bun in distress makes him slip right back into caregiver space, surfacing above his earlier drop to slowly, hopefully, heal.
jeongguk does seem to notice his boyfriend's cries, though, because he slowly gets out of his hiding place, holding yoongi's face with both hands, his thumbs softly wiping his hot tears away.
“you are crying, hyung,” he whines, mouth pulled in an unhappy little frown.
yoongi shakes his head in response, trying for a smile. it's not the brightest, he knows, definitely not his best work, but it's honest, and jeongguk can see that too.
“it's alright,” he sniffs, laughing a little, “i'm just happy to see you. i missed you,” he says, and his lips tremble at the words.
in any other situation jeongguk would've made fun of him, teased him playfully for being so sentimental over some mere hours apart, but this time he doesn't, instead, his big doe eyes soften impossibly, filling with tears as he asks, “can i kiss you?”
“please.”
their lips connect tenderly, nothing deeper than skin against skin, as both of them are still crying. yoongi sighs in relief, a happy little sound from the back of his throat, and jeongguk can't help but giggle at it. the kiss tastes like tears. it tastes like salt, like apologies, like regrets, a bit like snot, and it's admittedly a bit gross and not very hygienic, but it also tastes sweet.
it tastes like hope, like forgiveness, like desire to fix things, like silly inexperienced giddiness, like care, like support.
it tastes like yoongi still has a boyfriend.
it tastes like he's worthy of love.
“let's go sit down, okay?” yoongi says when they finally break the kiss, jeongguk makes a begrudging, whiny noise. “i got you sweets,” he offers in hopes of bribing him.
it seems to have the opposite effect, because as soon as yoongi raises the bag jeongguk starts sobbing again. “you shouldn't have!” he says, pouting, “hyung you are too good for me, you know that, right?”
yoongi shrugs, mildly embarrassed. “i'm not, i just love you a lot.”
they relocate to the couch after that, but not without yoongi stopping by the kitchen to make both of them tea and put the pastries on a little plate, insisting stubbornly that he handle it and that jeongguk could just go and wait for him in the living room. but jeongguk is nothing if not stubborn himself, so he refuses to leave yoongi's side but he allows him to take care of preparing the snack all by himself.
once comfortably seated, yoongi gives jeongguk the space to gather his thoughts and speak.
“i don't…” he starts, hesitantly, not daring to look at yoongi in the eye. “i still don't know why i said that,” he admits, his head hanging shamefully. “or well, i don't know why i said it to you.”
yoongi hums thoughtfully, “what do you mean?”
“i think i was just– i was just mad. not specifically at you, at everything,” he explains. his voice sounds thick with tears again and yoongi has to stop himself from reaching out, from trying to touch him right now. “i was mad at the situation, at the fact that regression wasn't working and it wasn't feeling good the way it should have. i was frustrated and overwhelmed and i couldn't let go of all the adult worries i normally let go of,” he closes his eyes, his frame shrinking as he speaks as if he’s trying to make himself as small as possible. “it was all too much and i took it out on you. i shouldn't have taken it out on you, hyung.”
“were you mad at me too?” yoongi asks in a whisper. he doesn't know if he's ready to hear a positive answer, but he just has to ask.
jeongguk bites his lip before nodding. “i was, a bit,” he admits. yoongi's heart falls to the ground. “i was feeling neglected, because of how busy the both of us had been and how little time we had spent with each other even living in the same place. i felt like–” a sob interrupts him, “i felt like you were pushing me away, keeping everything to yourself and not letting me in, and it's no excuse, it wasn't fair for me to feel like that because i was also not communicating properly, i was getting mad at you for not talking to me but also expecting you to just read my mind and know what i needed, and it wasn't fair,” he says emphatically, “it wasn't fair of me because it was not your fault, hyung, i need you to know it wasn't your fault!”
“baby, calm down,” yoongi says, quickly and against all his best judgment, reaching out to hold jeongguk's hands in an attempt to ground him, not to let him spiral into the dark place he was quickly falling into. “i'm not blaming you, you can speak to me, okay? i think it's time we properly speak to each other, what do you think?” he tries with a little, loose smile.
jeongguk sniffles quietly as he nods. “yeah,” he agrees. “as i was saying, i was– i was a bit mad at you, hyung, but i think most of all i was mad at myself,” he finally admits, tightly squeezing yoongi's hands for reassurance. “i felt helpless and useless. i felt like i was being a bad boyfriend because i couldn't help you, not even giving you a little to take care of when you needed it.”
“gguk–”
“i was mad at myself for letting so much time pass and not trying harder to reach out to you, i was mad because i wasn't doing my part as i should have and i know what you are going to say!” he says before yoongi can interrupt him again. “i know you are going to say that it's not my fault because i was in a bad place and i had a lot of things going on and it's true, but hyung, you did too
jeongguk's red-rimmed eyes finally meet yoongi's, and there's so much regret and tenderness reflected in his galaxy orbs, yoongi almost chokes on the emotion.
“you were also feeling down and struggling with things and dealing with so much, and i unjustly decided to blame you, but it wasn't your fault, it's me who made a mistake,” he breathes out, without breaking eye contact. “it's me who fucked up, and i'm owning up to it now. i'm sorry, hyung, i was mean to you and said things i shouldn't have, things i surely don't feel. please, forgive me, hyung.”
in a second jeongguk gets up, his body bending at the waist, torso going down, but this time yoongi's faster, and before jeongguk can fully bow, he's standing up too, grabbing jeongguk by the shoulders, straightening him up.
“don't you dare bow at me, jeongguk-ah,” he says, and he must sound more authoritative than he was planning to because jeongguk looks at him with wide eyes, like a frightened animal. “you don't have to bow at me,” he rectifies, gentler this time. his hands smooth down the front of jeongguk's shirt, his eyes embarrassedly trailing down to his chest. “we both made mistakes,” he says. “we were both wrong. i didn't say it with words, but i said it with actions.”
“hyung.”
“no baby, let me speak now,” yoongi says, not letting jeongguk interrupt because he knows that if he does, the younger is just going to apologize again, putting all the blame on himself. “i pulled away from you, i consciously kept everything to myself. i thought it was for the best, yes, i thought if i quickly fixed all my issues i could then focus totally on you, but that wasn't just my decision to make, was it?” jeongguk begrudgingly nods, still not content with yoongi taking any blame. “we both could have done better, gguk-ah, we should've known better, it's true, but we know now, we can learn from this and i'm sure we will handle things better in the future.”
jeongguk looks at him dumbfounded, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of the water. “you don't wanna break up with me?” he asks, voice so shocked it sounds about to break.
“what? no!” yoongi quickly says, “why would you think that? i just texted you that i love you!” he exclaims, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
“i thought you said it just to make me feel better,” jeongguk admits, seemingly still in shock.
yoongi frowns, “i would never say that i love you if i didn't mean it. i don't say those words lightly, love.”
“i know,” jeongguk nods, lips trembling lightly. “but i really thought you were gonna break up with me.”
“i thought you were gonna break up with me,” yoongi argues back. he knows he shouldn't have said that because of the way jeongguk's eyes gloss over again, his gaze falling to the floor in regret. “but now i know you weren't going to,” he clarifies.
“would never break up with you, hyung,” jeongguk mumbles shyly. “i can't live without you, love you too much.”
“ah, baby,” yoongi sighs, smiling giddily, pressing their foreheads together. “i love you just as much if not more.”
adjusting back into their dynamic takes a bit longer than they'd have liked, but with enough patience and determination, they make it work.
they start being more mindful of the time they spend together, but also the time they spend apart.
their personal and professional struggles don't suddenly disappear after that weekend, but they make sure to talk about it, let the other know how they're feeling, what they are and are not up to, making plans around their moods and schedules, but also making sure they are investing a set amount of time on each other.
two days a week they go out on dates, they compromise to have at least one meal together every day but also agree on letting the other know if for some reason they can't make it. their healing process takes dedication and effort, yes, but they're also careful that it doesn’t become another stressor or something that would bring them guilt for not being able to provide.
they stop tiptoeing around each other so much, they spend the night cuddling in bed like they're used to, and most breakfasts are shared in comfortable silence at the kitchen table.
things are going well so far, yoongi feels happy and confident with the progress they've made, and even his friends and coworkers have mentioned how he looks better lately, less tired, less stressed, less worn down.
their headspaces take a bit longer than the romantic part of their relationship.
together they decide to take a bit of time without planning scenes, mostly because of how fragile their headspace can be and how deeply affected both were. they agree that if jeongguk for some reason regressed yoongi would still take care of him, but if he ever felt too overwhelmed or felt like he couldn't do it by himself, namjoon was only one call away, ready to lend a kind hand. other than that, jeongguk explains how he thinks it might be better to refrain from planned scenes, at least until their trust and routines are a bit more settled.
yoongi agrees, internally grateful for the suggestion. the truth is, there's a little part of him, the most frantic one he still hasn't managed to get settled, that still tenses up at the thought of taking care of koo. deep inside, he's a bit scared that if they rush into it, it's going to be the same as last time, and it's just going to prove the fact that yoongi's incapable of properly taking care of jeongguk.
six weeks go by before his baby regresses again.
they both still feel a wisp of anxiety running through their bodies, especially yoongi, but that feeling is widely overpowered by anticipation, the good kind.
there's a part of him that's worried, of course, but not as much as he thought he would be, not much more than the worry he's used to feeling before a scene. there are always things for him to worry about as the carer, small things like having jeongguk's toys aligned perfectly or having all his fluffy blankets properly washed, but also bigger things, like jeongguk having a meltdown or a sub drop.
it might seem taxing or stressful to other people, but to yoongi is nothing if not rewarding, especially when he gets to cuddle his little bundle of joy, hear his giggles, see him smile.
like right now.
“appa, love you!” koo repeats for the hundredth time, cuddled close to yoongi's body, his chubby, rosy cheek practically smushed against his caregiver's . “love you lots, appa, koo love you loooooots!” he exclaims, making sure to lengthen the vowel a lot to explain just how much love he's talking about.
“oh, yeah? how much?” yoongi teases, smiling so hard his face almost hurts.
“this much!” jeongguk immediately says, separating the arms as much as possible in a gesture of abundance. “to- to moon ‘n back, appa!” he assures him, sparkly eyes shining bright.
yoongi indulges him by gasping dramatically, his hands that were previously wrapped around his baby's waist now creeping up his ribs, gently tickling him, making koo explode in a fit of uncontrollable giggles. “what did i do to deserve such a good little boy, huh?” he wonders out loud, “i must have been very good to get the best bunny in the world!”
“best!” jeongguk agrees in between giggles. “best appa!” he assures him. “stop, appa, ‘top!” he shrieks then, when the tickles become too much for his little body to handle.
yoongi raises his hands in surrender, laughing loudly at the way koo pouts at him. he kind of expects jeongguk to wiggle away, hiding from the tickle monster, pouting moodily at him, but instead of that jeongguk cuddles him closer, bumping the top of his head against yoongi's chin like a cat, making himself smaller to fit on his appa's lap. “am i still the best even after tickling you so much, googie baby?” yoongi jokes, making sure to hold jeongguk close, so close he's almost unable to breathe.
“appa best,” jeongguk nods, his hair tickles yoongi's nose, but he guesses it's payback, even if jeongguk's not aware of what he's doing. “koo love appa,” he repeats, going back to his mumbly loop.
“appa loves you too, sweetheart, loves you to the sun and back!”
jeongguk breaks into another fit of loud giggles, the high-pitched noise making yoongi's tummy fill with bubbles. he has almost forgotten just how beautiful jeongguk is in his regression, how pure and innocent his little self is.
koo has spent the day either telling yoongi how much he loves him or looking at him curiously, his big, wide eyes studying his features like he's also discovering yoongi for the first time all over again. he touches yoongi's face with the utmost reverence, tracing his skin with careful touch, fingers moving slowly, delicately. he touches yoongi's forehead, his eyebrows, his cheeks. he runs his index down the bridge of yoongi's nose up to the tip and then over his cupid's bow and the plumpness of his lips.
he touches his hair like it's the softest silk he has ever encountered, even softer than all his blankets and plushies together, even softer than his favorite fluffy jammies, the ones he's wearing right now.
but his admiration and devotion don't stop at actions, at tender caresses and tight hugs.
today jeongguk seems to be feeling particularly inclined to speak, his baby blue paci decorated with the caricature of a cute bunny remains pinned to yoongi's shirt the whole day, never really making it into jeongguk's mouth, even if he sometimes absent-mindedly plays with the strap.
“i love you” is the first thing jeongguk says to him in the morning, when he's still feeling big.
“i love you” is the last thing koo says to him that night, all cozy-warm, cuddled up against yoongi's side.
every single time yoongi says it back.
and for the first time in a long while, every single part of yoongi feels at ease. when he falls asleep that night, looking at jeongguk’s relaxed, happy expression, hearing his soft snoring, his head is devoid of any thoughts besides how passionately he loves this boy, how he'd do anything to care for that love.