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it’s a bit crazy for jeongguk to think about how things started so small, so minutely small, that jimin probably didn’t even notice. probably still doesn’t know.
it’s a bit bittersweet for him to think that one of the most important moments of his life, one of the more elemental changes in his way to see the world was given to him by someone who doesn’t even remember it, but at the same time, jeongguk ’s happy about it, because that moment is his, now and forever, his to take care of and protect.
his to keep in his heart.
when jeongguk first meets jimin, he’s painfully awkward and borderline uncomfortable. they aren’t friends, after all, more like jimin is an acquaintance's pack member, an unknown alpha that’s suddenly being forced into his life with his whole den accompanying him.
it’s taehyung who introduces them both, or well, more like he introduces jeongguk to his family. he invites jeongguk to hang out with his pack because he says jeongguk ’s always too lonely and it isn’t healthy, which, yeah, fair, but it still stings, being so seen.
jeongguk came from a very traditionally structured pack, the same amount of alphas and omegas all perfectly paired up and a mated beta couple keeping a nice balance in the dynamics. his pack wasn't the biggest, not in his commune, at least, but even then, he can’t remember being particularly close to any of the other alphas or omegas in the pack. his upbringing had been more on the nuclear side, his sire, his dam, and all his siblings, but it didn’t make it any easier.
jeongguk still felt sometimes as if he was easily forgotten, too quickly blending into the crowd of loud rowdy pups, his overwhelming number of siblings and then nephews and nieces always bringing noise and energy whenever they went.
it's easy to be overshadowed when you are not like the rest. when you are dimmer, quieter, stiller.
his sire had been worried when it was time for him to leave the den and start school away from his family. it was risky for an omega, especially an omega like him to leave the den without even a prospect of mate, but his dam had been quick to reassure him that he was an awesome young man, that all sub-genders would be fanning and swooning over him, and that in no time he would come home with a bite on his neck.
easy for her to say because she and jeongguk's sire had been high-school sweethearts, mated as soon as they were of age. they were never in jeongguk's situation, both beautiful, strong women, with a long list of prospects as soon as they presented.
jeongguk knows they're kind of at a loss about what to do with him, how to help. he knows it’s hard for them to connect with him, to bond, to put themselves in his shoes and see the world the way he sees it.
it’s not their fault, jeongguk knows, but he also knows that his sire and dam would never get it. get him.
the plan initially was to hang out with some of taehyung’s friends and his omega pack members, but as the friends slowly started canceling, he ended up inviting his whole pack because apparently they're close like that.
jeongguk could deal with taehyung's friends, he had met them before, seen them every once in a while when the beta dragged him around school and almost forced him to eat lunch with them. at least with the beta's friends, jeongguk knew they'd have something in common to talk about, a way for him to insert himself in the conversation, which is taehyung, of course. how they met, how the beta convinced them to hang out, the crazy stories they have with him.
manageable, taehyung’s friends are manageable.
but with his whole pack… jeongguk doesn’t know how this is supposed to work. the thought of being alone with people so tightly intertwined, so familiar, so in love, makes the hairs on his nape stand up, almost like a cat hissing in defense.
as the time approaches, he feels less and less sure he can deal with the crowd of people that are now surrounding the table at the bar taehyung leads him to.
he introduces himself quietly, bowing politely at all the presents, not daring to breathe too deep as if not to catch even a hint of the pack’s scent. he sits down stiffly, his back straight hands neatly folded over his lap, and pretty much doesn’t utter a word the rest of the time he’s in there.
to be fair, they do try to include him. they ask him questions, sometimes, attempting to pull him into a conversation, but jeongguk simply doesn’t have much to say, his answers are simple and forward, almost exclusively monosyllables, so by the end, it’s as if he had just disappeared into his seat, fused with the sticky material of the couch he’s sitting on.
admittedly it isn’t at all as bad as it could have been. he does have a bit of fun at some point looking at them interacting, laughing together, joking around, excitedly sharing stories probably all of them already know but still amuse them endlessly. it’s something jeongguk never really learned how to do. socialize without over analyzing everything he says, without trying to shape his personality to fit other’s liking, desperately seeking approval from strangers. it’s fascinating to him to see how some people don’t need to do all that.
at the same time, it’s unthinkable for him to witness a pack this close .
he’s used to hearing about them in fairy tales, in corny romance movies, in books. these mythical packs where everyone loves everyone equally, where they don’t stick together just because of the political status, the protection, or the economic benefit of sustaining a home all together. these surreal packs where people really, actually love their packmates.
where they are together because they want to, because they enjoy it.
but after a while, jeongguk gets sad, of course, because that’s what he does. he gets sad and self-conscious, thinking and thinking and thinking about how he isn’t needed here at all, how they’d probably be having a nicer time by themselves, how taehyung invited him purely out of pity, and still jeongguk couldn’t even make the effort to engage with his people.
the night goes by painfully slowly but in a blur all at the same time. suddenly jeongguk’s lying down on his dorm bed, looking at the white ceiling and wondering when it’s gonna be the day he can feel loved.
—
jeongguk’s not sure how it happened, or why. he suspects it’s because of taehyung's insistence and maybe also his own inability to say no, but after that first night, he soon finds himself hanging out with the pack way more often than he ever expected to.
he’s still painfully awkward, stiff as a board, as if he’s constantly expecting someone to jump on him and tear him to shreds -something that of course never happens, but the anxiety sadly isn’t something jeongguk can just turn off.
he’s still pretty much silent the whole time too, but no one seems to care much. they still greet him, from a safe distance, they still smile politely at him when their eyes accidentally meet, and they still try to ask questions or his opinion on things every once in a while, but most of the time, it’s as if they just accepted that jeongguk’s role is the designated ghost of the group, always quiet, isolated, kept to himself when they all laugh and fall into each other.
to be honest, he’s not very sure about what everyone else thinks of him, or why they keep inviting him. he doesn’t know what impression he gives at this point of his life, but he knows that most of the time people seem to think he’s just an asshole who thinks he’s better than everyone else. even if it isn’t true, jeongguk never wastes time trying to correct them.
most of the time spent with the pack, jeongguk spends just looking at them, as creepy as that sounds. he does it just to watch, just to see their easiness, witness their bond. he notices how they’re affectionate, but just to a degree, not daring to kiss or touch each other too passionately in front of jeongguk’s eyes. he notices how they share stories, their struggles sometimes, hardships life throws at them, but again, just to an extent, having conversations with their eyes when the talk gets too deep, when someone squirms too uncomfortably.
they’re so warm, and so open, but jeongguk knows that even now they’re toning it down, making it more digestible for him, probably, making it casual enough for him not to feel overwhelmed. casual enough for him not to feel too attached, too important, too wanted.
he notices, from far, far away, the way yoongi and seokjin exchange fond looks over everyone’s head, the way their hands brush sometimes and seokjin's ears turn pink, the way they seem to always be looking after everyone else, a unit, the perfect alpha duo of gentleness hidden under playful banter and grumpy annoyance.
jeongguk notices the way namjoon’s more than willing to help everyone with anything they could need, the way he jumps at every opportunity to share some niche knowledge, to help anyone with their classes. the way he stops on the street to take pictures of every dog, every cat, even every bug, talking to them in funny exaggerated voices that don’t really go with his appearance but go perfectly with his personality.
he notices hoseok and how he shares his passion and enthusiasm with everyone else, providing comfort and advice whenever someone’s a bit down, realizing instantly when something’s off or when someone’s missing, always waiting for the person who was left behind to tie his shoe or to walk with the one that didn’t fit in the sidewalk with the rest.
he knew taehyung from before, of course, and he knew the weird way he seemed to adore him, but now jeongguk also realizes how much taehyung knows and respects him, how he would respect jeongguk’s personal space and keep a bit of physical distance, but still makes sure to be emotionally close. jeongguk notices how instead of jumping over him as he does with his other friends, taehyung simply offers encouraging smiles and thumbs-ups.
he notices the way taehyung always tries his hardest to make everyone feel included at all times, organizing hangouts and making everyone’s schedule fit around them. he’s good, a good guy, a good friend. such a shame jeongguk can’t reciprocate.
and then there’s jimin.
jimin is kind of a mix of everyone else, of taehyung's refreshing childishness, of namjoon's wonder about the world, of yoongi and seokjin's constant care, of hoseok’s warm presence. he’s also the most physical of them all, the touchiest, always throwing himself over someone, putting his hand on someone’s leg, shoulder, arm, giving away hugs like they are nothing, ruffling his mate's hair, scenting them, mimicking seokjin by throwing them flying kisses.
he keeps his distance from jeongguk, not hard to guess why, but he still does his best to include him somehow, greeting him cheerfully, asking about his day, sitting beside him so he doesn’t feel too left out.
it’s nice. most of the time it’s nice being considered, not being pushed aside, but at times, it can also be suffocating. so much jeongguk would have to excuse himself to the bathroom or outside to smoke just so he could breathe and regain his balance, recharge himself just enough so that he could go back and pretend he wasn’t waiting for an opportunity to escape
the first time jimin touches him it’s probably an accident. to this day jeongguk hasn’t gotten to confirm, but he’s almost sure it is.
they are all sitting at a café, supposedly studying, but pretty much just hanging out. the rest is talking, about what jeongguk wouldn’t be able to tell, probably because he isn’t paying attention to the words but to them, to their dynamic, to how they all seem to fit so well together, and how he can’t, for the sake of him see where he’s supposed to be.
it’s then, when he’s deep in his thoughts, that he feels it for the first time. the heavy, warm hand on his nape, playing mindlessly with his hair.
he freezes at the contact, surprised and mildly creeped out because his brain can’t understand why he’s being touched right now, out of nowhere. jimin doesn’t seem to notice what he’s doing. he doesn’t seem to notice the rigidness of jeongguk’s muscles, he probably doesn’t even realize who he’s touching, but after a second, two, three, he finally does...
jeongguk kind of expects him to jump in surprise, to back off, scandalized, shocked at how jeongguk, this stranger was basically taking advantage of his kindness and the fact that he was distracted, to get some miserable crumbs of affection.
but instead of that, instead of scolding him or yelling at him for not saying anything, for staying silent while he knew jimin probably didn’t mean to touch him, jimin just throws him a gentle smile, the cute, nice one that makes his eyes disappear, before focusing his attention back on the conversation.
he doesn’t call him out, jeongguk realizes. and he doesn’t stop.
before he can rationalize what’s happening, jeongguk’s body fully relaxes.
it feels as if his whole body was made of cotton, as if he was a ragdoll just hanging from someone’s strong grip, and every single thought, good or bad, suddenly disappears from his head. after his mind convinces itself once, twice, thrice, that jimin really isn’t pulling away, that he isn’t weirded out by jeongguk’s awkwardness, by his weird behavior, his oddness, it’s like every single fear turns into dust.
his head hangs low, and from his throat, a weird humming sound he’s never heard himself utter before makes itself present. not quite a purr, he wouldn’t be able to deal with the humiliation if it was, but whatever this is, he isn’t able to stop it. he isn’t able to breathe, move, think, or do anything at all, but luckily no one seems to notice. no one except for jimin, who turns to him and asks, in a soft murmur.
“tired?”
jeongguk hums back, not in agreement but not in denial either, simply because it’s the only sound his mouth can evoke, and jimin seems to take it as a yes because he again smiles at him and squeezes his nape affectionately.
“you can take a nap if you want, go ahead, i’ll wake you up in a while,” he urges.
without being able to reply, jeongguk just goes with it, placing his numb arms on the table and resting his head over them, looking straight at the wood, leaving his neck exposed for jimin to keep playing with, begging, praying, deep inside of him, that jimin didn’t stop.
he isn’t tired, not enough to sleep, just fuzzy, just out of it, and he spends who knows how long staring straight at the table, his eyes wide open, because he refuses to miss a single second of this treatment, of the caress.
when jimin ‘wakes him up’ jeongguk doesn’t even find it in himself to pretend he was sleeping. he simply stands up, like the rest, gathers his stuff, and says his goodbyes.
he arrives at his dorm in a blur, like he’s walking over clouds, and he quickly falls into a deep restful slumber as soon as his head hit the pillow.
—
things slowly but surely escalate after that first time.
it’s a bit as if jimin has been waiting for jeongguk to give his permission, to turn his undivided attention on him, and in what seems like just a couple of days, jimin’s always, /always/ all over jeongguk.
it doesn’t matter what it is, whether it’s a half hug, a hand playing with his hair, with his fingers, rubbing circles on his back. it doesn’t matter honestly, to jeongguk, every touch feels just as important, just as precious.
he’s so close all the time that jeongguk can’t help but get used to his scent, to the rich raspberry chocolate taste that fills his mouth every time jimin pushes his face too close to his neck, to his scent gland, his mate’s bite.
soon after he’s used to it enough for him to recognize other lingering scents on jimin’s skin. it’s like his body just knows who’s who. he knows that the tangerines and coffee are yoongi, that the feeling of a tight hug after being away for too long is seokjin, that the eucalyptus and freshly wet grass is namjoon, the warm scent of a sunny morning hoseok, and that the sugar cane with hints of freshly baked goods is taehyung.
he thinks about it hard, in the solitude of his room. thinks about how the attention makes him feel, how his chest feels light as a feather, how his brain turns into mush. he thinks about the aftermath, about the crippling doubts, about the overthinking, because he can’t see why jimin would want to touch /him/, why jimin suddenly decided to split the attention he gave to his packmates, too focused on giving it all to jeongguk.
endless nights are spent mulling and mulling over memories, wondering if jimin maybe feels pity for him, maybe he feels bad for jeongguk, for his sorry ass sitting quietly at a table surrounded by people that are all so intrinsically in love but not with him.
he thinks about how it would feel if any of the others touched him like that, with that softness, and the idea only makes his skin erupt in goosebumps, lower lip trembling in need.
he wonders if the others can smell jeongguk’s lilies on jimin’s skin. probably not, since jeongguk wouldn’t even allow himself to dream about scenting each other, but he still wonders.
to no one’s surprise, the closer jimin gets to him, the more at ease the whole pack seems to be around him, but when it comes to daring to venture, to push, to try, it’s still mostly jimin.
it’s a jimin thing, really, a thing about his hands, his eyes, his smile. a thing about the way he looks at jeongguk like he doesn’t see anything bad in him, nothing odd, just a guy like any other, like jimin considers him a friend, even if he probably knows less than 10 facts about jeongguk.
sometimes it’s awful, unbearable, the time he would spend torturing himself with all the humiliating scenarios his mind could conjure. he tries to convince himself he will put a stop to it altogether, tell jimin he doesn’t like the touch (a lie), that it makes him uncomfortable (another lie), that he wants him to stop (please don’t stop), but then, after he goes through all of his silly, stupid speech a thousand times in his head, he shows up at a hangout and jimin hugs him tight, greets him with the most blinding smile, and every thought in jeongguk’s head disappears.
the shame pooling in his stomach evaporates like it was never even there, and he turns again into a mindless, starved puppy that only knows how to follow jimin around, letting himself be pulled at, be pet, be arranged in any position jimin wants.
at some point, the attention starts feeling so good that jeongguk decides that the crushing loneliness he would feel after is all worth it, and instead of resisting, he curls himself on jimin’s side, resting his head on his shoulder, letting his eyes fall shut and his body fly high high high until he isn’t human anymore until he’s nothing, nothing but just a comfortable thing under jimin’s care.
he can still hear sometimes the whispers of past lovers, of past friends, mentioning how clingy he is, how difficult it is to deal with them. he can hear his sibling’s voices whining playfully about how jeongguk used to basically be a lap puppy, always climbing on top of someone, seeking touch.
they don’t mean for it to be hurtful, just fun anecdotes about how much jeongguk changed when he grew up. they don’t mean it, but it hurts.
and jeongguk’s never brave enough to bring it up.
—
jeongguk likes to think he’s clever, he likes to think nothing escapes his sight, but the truth is that sometimes he just gets so stuck in his head, in his own overthinking, that every single thing that happens around him, his brain morphs it into situations they are not.
he likes to think he’s clever, but the truth is that it takes him weeks to realize he’s being courted.
he’d like to say it started subtly, enough for him not to notice at first. the reality of it is that he was so focused and enjoying jimin’s short-lived -according to him- physical attention, that everything else kinda slipped.
it starts as slowly as jimin’s first touch, as small as his first caress.
the first courting gifts he gets are small. tiny little chocolates and candies snuck into his coat pockets, his backpack, casual enough that he at first thinks they’re just treats he had forgotten about.
he doesn’t see the expectant way they all look at him, he doesn’t feel jimin squeezing his hand tighter.
it escalates slowly. a carton of banana milk, a bento box taehyung shoves in his hands one day, casual invitations to grab dinner where he’s not allowed to pay because “he’s the youngest, it’s hyung’s treat”.
they’re all supposed to meet for a study date at the library, jeongguk brings his laptop but he doesn’t really expect to get a lot done, because they never really get any studying done during these meetings.
he’s been added to a group chat with the pack, according to taehyung it was easier for everyone to just reach him there than having taehyung play messenger. jeongguk can’t imagine why the others might want to reach him, but he can’t say no to taehyung’s boxy smile, so he agrees, but he doesn’t check it that often.
he doesn’t check it before making his way to the library, which is why he’s surprised to see yoongi sitting alone here, instead of having at least seokjin there to accompany him.
“jimin and tae are a bit late,” the alpha explains with an apologetic smile when jeongguk hesitantly sits down. “joon, hobi and seokjin hyung won’t be able to make it, but they send greetings and apologies,” he says, pushing his cup of coffee to go in jeongguk’s direction.
“oh, that’s fine,” jeongguk mutters, nodding awkwardly. “what’s this?” he asks then, looking at the styrofoam cup.
“for you,” yoongi says gently. he doesn’t use that mocking tone people use when they have to spell things for him, he doesn’t mention how it’s obviously for him. that’s one thing jeongguk likes about the alpha. “their apology offering.”
jeongguk blinks, confused. “it’s not that- they don’t need to apologize,” he stutters, confused about why the pack would go to such lengths when this was supposed to be a casual hangout.
yoongi places his arms on the table, lazily placing his head over them. he looks cozy, bundled up in a big scarf and beanie. “they want to,” he says. “they like spending time with you, we all do,” he smiles.
“oh.”
jeongguk doesn’t say anything after that, mostly because he has absolutely nothing to answer. what could he reply to such an open display of affection? he’s still convinced half of the time they forget he’s even sitting with them, why would they miss him? why would they like to hang out with him?
he takes a deep gulp of his coffee. it’s sweet, creamy, and foamy, just the way he likes it.
he didn’t think yoongi knew his coffee order.
“we really do like spending time with you, you know?” yoongi’s voice breaks the silence after a few quiet moments. when jeongguk looks at him he’s still resting his head on the table, eyes closed. “i know you don’t believe us,” he says. “i don’t know if there’s a reason for that, but we really do like you, jeongguk,” he insists. “i hope we are not making you feel uncomfortable with that.”
a violent flush creeps up jeongguk’s neck, all the way up to his cheeks. his face feels hot and he’s so, so grateful yoongi’s not looking at him right now, because he’d be even more at a loss on what to do.
minutes go by, jeongguk stares at the room, at the busy library full of diligent and not-so-diligent students. at the couples, at the groups of friends, at the solitary individuals reading a book or browsing on their laptops by themselves.
jeongguk never thought there was a choice for him. he never imagined he might have the chance to pick, to decide on which of those people he wants to be. he never dared to dream someone would like him enough to stick around, to extend their hand and offer it to him, inviting him into their hearts, making a place for him at their home.
he looks back at all the dinners spent with them, at the times seokjin cooked for him and insisted he take the leftovers, at all the times taehyung made sure to be around and get the group to do something he knew for sure jeongguk would feel comfortable doing.
he thinks of the times namjoon offered to help him with classes, the times he offered jeongguk to watch a documentary with him, the times he recommended jeongguk his favorite books, and only now he realizes that what the omega was trying to do is share the things he loves with him.
he thinks of the time he felt sick and hoseok made sure to text him during the week, asking for updates on his cold and offering to bring jeongguk medication or anything he might need. he thinks of the times he fell a step behind the rest, settling for looking at their backs, at the way the little family seemed to bring light anywhere they went. he thinks about how all of those times hoseok noticed he wasn’t with them, and instead of making a big deal out of it, he simply lowered his steps, waiting for jeongguk to catch up before he kept walking.
jeongguk looks back to every single one of jimin’s hugs, every time during the last couple of weeks the alpha broke into a fit of laughter and threw himself into jeongguk’s lap. he thinks about the way jimin’s smile appeared to brighten up even more than usual when jeongguk reached out of the first time, linking their arms together.
he looks at yoongi, who made sure to get him his coffee, who saw jeongguk’s hesitance, his insecurities, and instead of deeming them “too much”, he decided to address them in a setting where he knew jeongguk wouldn’t feel cornered or pressured.
“it doesn’t,” jeongguk mutters, the words barely loud enough for yoongi to hear. he makes a questioning sound back, raising his eyebrows. jeongguk now realizes that the reason why yoongi’s keeping his eyes closed is to make him feel safer, more at ease. “it doesn’t make me uncomfortable,” he says then. “i think i like it.”
yoongi smiles, all gummy and precious, and the warmth that once invaded jeongguk’s face spreads to his whole body. “good,” the alpha says. “i’m glad.”
jimin and taehyung end up not showing up. they make sure to send him a ton of apology texts accompanied with cute crying emojis, and they even call yoongi to send him to buy jeongguk another drink.
it doesn’t matter how many times he says he’s not thirsty, yoongi still gets him a hot chocolate, saying it’s too late now for jeongguk to be getting any more caffeine.
he pulls out his notebook and pencils, with the clear intention to actually get some work done now that the plans changed, and yoongi does the same, but he seems to give up soon after, pushing his laptop aside and placing his head back on the table, muttering something about having a long day and his brain not being able to process any more words.
he slips his earbuds out of his hoodie’s pocket, and at first jeongguk thinks that’s a sign that he doesn’t want to be bothered, but instead of putting both in, yoongi offers one to him.
the next couple of hours they spend in silence, just listening to music and enjoying each other’s company.
yoongi falls asleep at some point, his slow deep breathing giving him away, and jeongguk would like to say he managed to get at least some reading done, but the reality of the situation is that the only thing in his notebook are sketches of the alpha’s sleeping face.
it’s dark and cold outside by the time they get out of the library. the ground is covered by a thin layer of snow, and their breath condenses every time they breathe. yoongi still looks cozy and sleepy, and a part of jeongguk wants nothing more than to reach out and give him a hug like he might’ve done with jimin.
maybe soon, who knows.
“jeongguk-ah, wait!” yoongi calls him a second after they say their goodbyes.
jeongguk turns back, a slightly worried frown on his face. did yoongi forget something? but instead of saying anything the alpha just approaches him with a small, almost shy smile. he’s holding his scarf, jeongguk notices, the one that was a second ago shielding him from the wind, but he doesn’t put it back on, instead, he reaches for him, carefully wrapping the fabric against jeongguk’s own neck.
“here,” the alpha says. if it wasn’t so cold, jeongguk might’ve thought the blush on yoongi’s face was because he was nervous. “don’t catch a cold.”
and then, jeongguk’s being pulled into a hug.
it’s a bit clumsy because of how many layers of clothing they’re wearing, but that doesn’t stop yoongi. he curls his arms around jeongguk’s neck, standing on his tiptoes to place his face over his shoulder. one minute jeongguk’s standing, and the next, his face’s buried into yoongi’s exposed neck, the sweet smell of tangerines so strong jeongguk’s mouth fills with saliva.
it takes him a second to react, a second that for any other person might’ve been too long, but yoongi just gets him, jeongguk realizes. he gets the way jeongguk feels, the way his mind works.
he wraps his arms around the alpha’s middle, holding him so tight he almost lifts him off the ground. call him dramatic, but jeongguk doesn’t know when he’s gonna have the chance to do this again, so in a split second he decides he has to enjoy it as much as he can.
yoongi doesn’t complain about the treatment, he doesn’t comment on it either, and after a last tight squeeze, he lets the omega go.
“bye, gguk,” he says, taking a minimal step back.
“bye, hyung,” jeongguk chirps back.
“see you soon?” yoongi asks, almost hesitant.
the omega nods, grinning softly. “uh-huh taehyungie hyung and jiminnie hyung said they owe me so they’re taking me out soon. i assume they’re gonna drag the rest of you too.”
“we’ll be more than happy to be there,” the alpha assures him.
“later, then.”
“yeah, later.”
it’s just when jeongguk’s about to reach his dorm that the smell of yoongi’s scent vanishes from his nose, and it’s just then that he gets a proper sniff of the scarf.
it’s scented, he notices. they scented it, all of them, for him, just for him.
if jeongguk hugs it to sleep none of them has to know, and if he rubs his own scent all over the piece, it’s no one’s business.
they smell good together, the omega concludes. good enough to keep.