Archive of Our Own

Kieran never expected to go through hell at 14. 

But here he is, unable to sleep for more than half an hour without a nightmare, barely holding a scream back as he shot up. He’d been let off of school for a while, just to collect himself from everything that was dropped on him. Crispin would bring him the little work given out and make being a door away more bearable. Amarys and Lacey made a point to check on him, even Drayton let up on his teasing, going as far as helping when he panics. 

Carmine, on the other hand, closed herself off. She’d still come by, but it wasn’t for more than a check-in. Kieran could sense her worry, it was hard for her to hide it, but Amarys put it best: “she’s scared of hurting you again. After all that’s happened.”

He didn’t understand it. He wanted his sister. He wanted to feel better. He wanted to be held- no. No, none of that. He was too old for that. Kieran squeezed the blanket in his hands, taking a breath. It’ll be okay. He’ll feel better in the morning. Well, when the sun comes up. 

— ✧ —

The broken master ball laid limp in his hands. Carmine was shouting behind him, Briar was shouting just as loud. Everything was bright, too bright, it’s too BRIGHT-

“Kieran…”

“Florian!” He sprints, his legs feeling like jelly as he falls to his knees. The other boy looked awful. Crystals were lining his body, he was pale, but he looked peaceful, for some reason.

“Kieran..?”

“What’s wrong? What’s happening?! Can I help, what can I do to help-“

“Why are you so weak?”

That’s not Florian. That’s not Florian but it is Florian but it’s not-

“You’re weak.” 

It started small.

“You’re weak, Kieran.”

“This is your fault, Kieran.”

“You’re not worth it, Kieran.”

“Why are you still here, Kieran?”

“Why do you even try, Kieran?”

His attempts to cover his ears all but made them louder. Louder, louder until it crescendoed into a cacophony of noise, noise, NOISE. It felt like he was about to throw up, he was going to pass out, everything was too loud and too much.

Crystals. Crystals kept crawling up his arms. They were crawling up his neck. They were digging into his skin and into his eyes and into his mouth and it’s too familiar and too much it’s too much it’s so much-

All he can do is shriek.

— ✧ —

This was different. This was very different and it was scary.

Kieran woke up screaming. That was more normal than he wanted to admit. But this time, his mind felt weird. Fuzz clogged his sensory system, bells clanged in his ears, saliva blocked his throat. His pajamas were soaked in sweat, skin clammy. Tears filled his eyes, sobs quickly replacing his cry of fear. 

He vaguely registered banging from the door, Crispin’s voice calling his name. Panic pulled at his nerves. Anything but this. Crispin, basically the only person who sees him normally, can’t see this. His brain kept repeating the same thing as the door opened. Crispin’s call pulls a trigger in his mind:

“Carmine! CARMINE!”

— ✧ —

A commotion outside her door brought Carmine out of a rough sleep. Pushing herself up, she took a moment to take her surroundings in: banging on her door and…screaming. Familiar screaming. She almost jumped out of bed, nailing the wall with her hip in her rush to the door. 

“Kieran-!”

Crispin stood outside her door, her brother held from running away by his wrist. And Blaziken, Crispin’s Blaziken standing in the way. Kieran’s cheeks were patchy, tears and snot dripping down his face and sobs being muffled into his sleeve. Carmine quickly rounded the two boys in. Anger settled as Kieran crumpled to the floor, hands fisting into his hair. Who did this, and how dare they make her brother this upset?!

“What happened? What did you do? Explain or I promise to Arceus -“

“I didn’t do anything! H-he woke up like that!” Crispin holds his hands in surrender, Blaziken moving in to protect his trainer. “I heard him screaming, and he kept saying your name so I thought he might want to see you but he kept fighting back and-“

Carmine inhaled, trying to stomp her anger down. A vague idea popped into her head about what might’ve happened: another nightmare about Terapagos, his actions, her actions, Florian. Her eyes connect with Crispin’s, hoping her gaze is at least a little kind. “Get out, I’ll update you on his condition later.”

Crispin straightens with a smile, saluting her with a “yes, ma’am!”, grabbing Blaziken’s claws and dragging the bird out as the door slammed shut behind them. Kieran flinches at the noise, shoulders raising to his ears. Carmine could chastise Crispin for that later, for now crouching down to her brother's level.

“It’s okay. I won’t hurt you, Kiki. Promise.” It hurts that Carmine even needs to say that now. She reaches for his shoulders, unsure if he’ll accept a hug. She can only assume this is a meltdown, what would Lacey do during these again? He flinches when her hands brush his pajama shirt, Carmine pulling her hands back. “Ok, ok! Don’t worry, it’s okay! I’ll keep my distance. Let me grab some water, alright?” 

He doesn’t respond. That’s even worse. During these fits, he’d at least nod or shake his head. She sighs, willing herself not to get frustrated. Carmine gets these too. It’s only fair. Another glance at Kieran leads her to believe he won’t stop crying anytime soon, beginning to search through her fridge for any drink that wasn’t exploding with caffeine. 

Amarys made it a point to make sure Carmine kept water in her dorm, thankfully putting them in a visible space. She moves to toss the bottle into Kieran’s vision, her brother acknowledging it, but more focused on his hands. His sobs had stopped, but tears kept coming. 

“Kiki, you need water. You’ll get dehydrated otherwise.”

Tension pulled at her brother's shoulders, shaking his head. Frustration began to pinch her face. “Kiki. I know you’re upset, but you need to drink something.” He shook his head again. “Come on. You’ll regret it later.”

“No!” It came out quiet. But the tension snapped.

“For fucks sake, Kieran! Do you want to get sick?!” It slips out before she can calm herself down. It feels like time stops, her brother looking up at her with nothing but fear in his eyes before almost speed crawling to her bathroom. The door locks as Carmine grabs it. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to snap at you. But please, Kiki, listen-“

Retching drops ice into her veins, cutting it off with a wail. He made himself sick. He made himself sick and she made it even worse. Like always. Like always she makes things worse. 

Her spiral’s cut off by a knock at her door. The familiar rhythm alerted her to who was outside. She took a quick look at the bathroom door before moving to stand. “The door’s open.”

“Is everything alright?” Amarys stood at her door, bright blue Piplup themed pajama pants contrasting her serious presence. Carmine crossed her arms, pulling at her shirt. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong. Kiki’s upset, he won’t talk to me, he keeps crying, and he just made himself sick, he’s acting like a child!” Amarys tilted her head. She moves next to Carmine, Kieran’s wailing quieting to more sobbing. 

“Is he regressed?”

“Is he what?”

“Younger, mentally. It’s a coping mechanism our brains can use to process trauma. It’ll stay like this until the brain thinks it’s safe. He’s overwhelmed, his mind went into overdrive and his body’s responding with this.” That…explains a lot. “Let me try. Leavanny could be helpful here, but don’t let her out. Not yet.” Amarys shoos Carmine away, rapping her knuckles inbetween sobs. 

The door opens, Amarys shushing her brother as he cried. Carmine was trying to mull over what this meant. He wasn’t stuck like this, like she said, it’d go away once he felt safe. What made him feel safe? Talking about Ogerpon was out of the question, Carmine hadn’t seen Furret or Yanmega in months, and Hydrapple didn’t seem like a “safe” place. She remembered Incineroar being gentle on her brother, something she was very grateful for. But his pokeball was always in a different place. 

Her eyes met the weighted Dudunsparce on her bed. It was a gift from Briar for when reports made her skin crawl, when the need to scratch overtook. An idea sparked in her head. A nearby straw was dropped in the water and Dudunsparce was lifted into her arms. The heavy plush always brought her comfort, maybe it’d help here?

Amarys clears her throat, Carmine turning to see the Steel specialist standing next to her brother. Her hand loosely holds his, Kieran seeming to make himself smaller. 

“Can you hold this for me, Kiki?” She offers the Dudunsparce plush to the boy. Blood roared in her ears, settling as Kieran reaches out to tug the snake into his grasp. Amarys pulls her own hand away, watching the plush flop onto Kieran’s shoulder with a small squeak. A giggle cuts the pensive silence.  Drayton had pranked her with that squeaker, Carmine vividly remembering giving him a nasty bruise in return. 

The tension was dragged from Kieran’s shoulders. “That feels better, doesn’t it?” He nods in return. Finally getting a good look at him, Kieran frankly looked rancid. His pajamas were damp, hair falling out of place, eyebags even worse than before. “Do you want different pajamas? Those look uncomfortable.” 

She didn’t know what was so different now, but he nodded. She couldn’t put her finger on it, though it was familiar. She looked up to Amarys for guidance, only to watch her walk out the door. “I’ll grab something. Just keep him company.”

“Thanks.” Amarys flashed a finger heart before running off. Warmth fogged up Carmine’s chest, a gentle breeze moving the pile of leaves. She turns her attention back to Kieran, only to get an armful of the boy nuzzling into her collarbone. When was the last time Kieran asked for a hug, much less got one? She squeezed Kieran close, rocking him from left to right. Just like grandma would. “I got you. I got you, Kiki.”

He whimpers into her neck, tension draining from his frame. Carmine hears the knock on wood, indicating her best friends return. She turns to get up, only to get a whine from Kieran and a tug on her sleeve. Did she lock the door? Amarys had a habit of doing that. She rolls her eyes, mumbling a “cmon then!” and picking up Kieran.

He’s light. He’s light and it terrifies her. The last time Carmine had picked him up was when he sprained his ankle months ago, and he was heavier then. She’ll worry about that later, trying to keep the tears out of her eyes as Kieran holds the Dudunsparce with one hand and wraps his other arm around her neck. He mumbles something, small snuffles fanning across Carmine’s shoulder as she pulls the door open.

Amarys has a soft looking pair of pajamas held in her arms, judging by her finger’s repeated movements. “Did he finally warm up to you?” 

“He wouldn’t let me leave.”

There it is. The little smirk Amarys would let out when her guard was down. She didn’t see it often, but it set her heart alight every time. The door closes behind Amarys with a click. “That happens. You’re the equivalent of a babysitter right now. He’s fragile, panicked, and you’ve become a pillar. Regressors can be by themselves, but that’s more than often a voluntary thing and not a…” She trails off.

Carmine smiles. She taps Kiki on the shoulder. “Amarys brought you some new pajamas. Can you get dressed by yourself?” Kieran pauses for a moment, leaning in.

“… close?” It’s barely above a whisper.

“Just outside the door, Kiki.”

“‘Mk.”

She places him back down, reaching to pull the pajamas out of Amarys’s hands. His hands grip her shirt, Carmine carding through his ponytail. “Don’t worry! Dudunsparce will protect you, okay?” A smile from her brother sent him tottering towards her bathroom, a little unstable, but not worrying. Turning back to her friend, she beckons Amarys over. “Tell me more!”

“Really?”

“Please! It’s helpful.” She hides a smirk, taking a spot next to Carmine. “Is there anything I need to know? Do I buy anything specific? Anything I need to say or do?”

Amarys taps her on the shoulder. Right, right. Gotta let her speak. “Most regressors have ‘gear’, but others don’t need it. There are those who use it as a coping mechanism, others have it as a response to stress, triggers, or during breakdowns. I can assume this one’s from a nightmare, since that’s what Crispin’s confided in me about.” That hurts a little. Well more than a little. But, it wasn’t unbelievable. That’s her own fault, and why everything falls apart in the end- “Stop spiraling. This is fixable.”

“Right, right! Sorry.”

“Nothing to apologize for.” Amarys presses a hand to her back, warmth traveling up her spine. “I mentioned babysitters before, but there are more general terms for those who take care of regressors, aptly named caregivers. Babysitters, at least from my research, are less set-in-stone and more for spontaneous regressions when the caregivers aren’t available.” The steel specialist takes a moment to breathe. “I think that makes sense, that’s as far as I got with my spiral.”

“Will you tell me more once you research again?”

“Only if you let me.” A pause, Amarys beginning to fiddle with her sleeve. “He threw up. My guess is overexertion. He kept whimpering your name. I got some water in him, but I’m not sure it’s enough.” A Golem dropped in her stomach. Her panic could wait, as the bathroom door opens, Kieran hiding his face in the Dudunsparce plush. It reminded her of simpler times. When a toddler she referred to as her brother waddling towards her with a wild Sentret, squeezed in his chubby arms and cooing happily. His pajamas were similarly themed, little Furrets crawling up his arms and up one pant leg. He took them to the academy? That’s sweet of him. 

With a deep breath, Carmine opens an arm. “That feels a lot better, huh?” Her brother musters a soft “mhm!” before cuddling into her side. “Rest for now, okay? I’ll be here to fight off any nightmares.” Amarys huffs fondly, her brother’s eyes closing not long after. 

“I’ll take that as my cue to leave.” Carmine’s open hand takes her sleeve.

“Thank you, for your help. And uhm, for keeping him company.” Amarys smiles again, pulling Carmine into a quick hug. Her glasses press up against the taller girl's neck. 

“You’re my friend. It’s only natural.” Amber spreads across Carmine’s face, squeezing the other girl close. “I’ll see you tomorrow, take care.” And with that, she’s gone. She’ll talk to Kieran about all this once classes end. She shuffled down slowly, as gentle as possible to not wake Kieran. She pulls him to her chest, tears pricking her eyes once more as he curls in, squeezing Dudunsparce. The blanket goes over the two of them, sleep finally closing in on her.

— ✧ —

Kieran felt recharged for the first time in a while. His vision was obscured by a blot of yellow. Quickly pushing himself up, he got a good look at himself: this isn’t his room. This isn’t his bed. This isn’t-

Everything from the night before dropped onto him. What even happened? How did he get in Carmine’s room? How did he manage to even brush against Dudunsparce without getting throttled? What time is it?!

He whipped around to the clock Carmine always kept on her desk: 14:45 pm. How long was he asleep? How long was he awake? Kieran rubs his eyes, squeezing the Dudunsparce plush again. Carmine was probably just coming back from her last class. 

Speak of the devil and she shall appear. Footsteps approach from outside, knock one, knock two, and in comes Carmine. Time slows again. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Normal? I’m feeling normal. I think.”

Carmine sighs, closing the door. “Can we talk about what happened? We don’t need to go far, just some basic ground rules.” Oh no. Arceus above he’s gonna go look weak. Kieran holds his breath, only for his sister to flick him on the head. “Nothing bad! Nothing bad.” She sits down next to him.

“I’m sorry.”

Huh. “I thought you wouldn’t want to see me after everything that happened, and so I did it before you could ever tell me otherwise. It was horrible of me, and I’m so, so sorry.” This was…unexpected. Kieran holds his tongue.

“It hurt that you weren’t there.”

“I know. I’ll change this. You won’t go through that alone again.” She says, barely above a whisper. A deep breath, and silence. Kieran weighed his options. He should be mad, he had every right to be! But right now, after the night he’s had, he just wants his big sister back.

“Do you promise?”

“Over my heart.”

“I don’t forgive you, not yet.” Kieran mutters into his knees. “But, it’s a start.”

Carmine smiles. “Thank you.” She picks at her nails. “Can we talk about last night? Do you know what that was?” Kieran shook his head. Panic set in before Carmine squeezes his shoulders. “Calm down, calm down! Amarys was nice enough to tell me what it was. You regressed.”  

Oh. That’s what it was called. “I-I’m sorry.”

“None of that. You were overwhelmed.” She paused. “Do you, do you have someone to look after you?”

“I didn’t know what it was till now.”

“Do you want me to look after you?” Did he? Concern spread through his veins. Carmine looked after him when they were young, and she was good at it. But was she offering because she felt bad? Was it concern, pity? Would it hurt to ask?

“Are you pitying me?” Shock pulls at her face, closing her eyes before breathing out. She shakes her head. 

“This isn’t pity. None of this is pity. I want to look after you. I want you to feel safe, Kiki. If I can help with that, if you let me, I will.” Something lifts off Kieran’s shoulders. He doesn’t trust himself to speak, so he nods instead. “Thank you. This doesn’t make you weak, this doesn’t make you childish, this just makes you human. And if anyone says otherwise, I’ll make sure they’re more than just sorry.”

It pulls a giggle out of Kieran. Even when she was trying to be sweet, she was a little too much. “Thanks, sis.” She smiles right back.

“I dropped your pajamas off on my way to class. Now shoo! Crispin’s been nagging me all day to make sure you’re alright.” She giggled. Kieran’s eyes widened before snickering. Dudunsparce is placed back onto the bed. He turns to leave before his sister taps him on the shoulder. He turns back around, only to get tugged into her embrace. “Know that I’m always here for you, okay?”

“Alright.” He smiled into Carmine’s shoulder, squeezing back before turning to run. “And, thank you!” She gives him a quick salute before leaving for his room. Kieran’s mind runs a mile a minute, but as he approaches his dorm, finding the familiar fire trainer outside his door, a blade cuts through the fog. As Crispin throws his arms in a stronghold around Kieran’s neck, rapidfiring questions about his well-being, the nag in his mind seemed to quiet. It felt different.

Kieran decided it felt okay.

— ✧ —