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When Elain saw Feyre that morning almost falling asleep on her tea during breakfast, purple bags under her eyes, waking up with a rattle when she dropped her spoon by accident almost braking the expensive tea cups, she knew right then that she had to give her sister at least one day to relax. To rest.
She hadn’t seen Feyre so tired in a long time.
Granted, she was glowing with how happy she and Rhysand were since Nyx was born, Feyre had a look in her eyes that Elain had never seen before. Such a love that a mother could only have for her child. Nyx, was barely five months old, and he probably one of the biggest challenges they’d faced so far. Mountains of dirty diapers and sleepless nights due to belly aches weren’t something the high lady and high lord of the night court might’ve deem a threat, up until now.
“He’s just been very fussy lately,” Feyre said that morning rubbing her eyes, lifting up the spoon carefully and cleaning up the few droplets of tea that stained the white tablecloth. “We barely slept last night, he wouldn’t stop crying. We tried everything. I fed him, changed his diapers, we even gave him a warm bath, and nothing. Rhys had to take him flying for a bit to get him to calm down. It worked for a couple hours until he woke up again.”
“Did you speak to Madja? Maybe she has something that can help.”
Feyre took a sip of her tea, barely able to nod with her head. Her hair was a mess of curls, tied in a messy half up do.
“She said it might be stomach aches due to gas. Nyx eats too fast when I’m breastfeeding him,” she shook her head, and sighed. Elain knew how useless and terrible it made Feyre feel not being able to help her son the way she wanted. “He’s a little impatient.”
“Only a little?”
Feyre half chuckled.
Elain smiled toward her sister.
She’d been helping around the house to decrease Feyre’s stress. She took care of the cleaning, and cooking mostly. Her sister thanked her every single time they were having a fresh, warm meal. But Elain wanted to do more. She wanted to finally feel like she belonged somewhere. Like she wasn’t disposable, as she often felt. Invisible.
“I can stay with him today for a couple hours if you need to rest, Feyre. You’re exhausting yourself. Let me help you.”
“I don’t want to bother you, you’ve been doing so much for us already—“
Elain shook one hand in the air, she wasn’t about to let her sister argue with her on this. She wanted to help her, so she would. It was her time to give back. “Nonsense, it would never bother me to take care of my nephew for a day. You need sleep. And I’m sure Rhysand needs it too.”
“He has been a little cranky lately.” Feyre said, giving her sister half a smile, the both of them probably recalling how upset Rhysand had been two days ago, after when Cassian had eaten the last piece of chocolate cake Elain had baked.
“You two should go out together, spend some quality time alone. You deserve it.”
“Thank you, El, for everything”
Elain stood up from the table and walked towards her sister, she bent her knees and gave her a small hug, resting her cheek on top of Feyre’s head.
“Don’t thank me. I’ll do the dishes and then I’ll go get Nyx. I have a lot of work on the garden today, I’m in need of a little helper anyway.”
{…}
Nyx was lying on the floor at the garden, on top of a soft yellow blanket Elain had bought him as a present when he turned two months old. She’d made it a tradition to give the little babe something special on every month anniversary. She loved giving thoughtful presents, and little Nyx was the most appreciative of her gifts.
Elain was right beside him, laying on her right side, she was wearing her favorite pink dress, it had angel sleeves and bows on the hem of the neck, the skirt was puckered and it reached her ankles, she was giggling at the way Nyx tried to grab her face with his sticky, chubby, little hands.
Elain had found the most perfect spot under a big spreading tree, the shadow was enough to protect them from the sun, the rustling of the leaves gave her a sense of calm she couldn’t get anywhere else. It was her favorite spot to sit in the garden, she’d had a feeling Nyx might like it, so far, the little babe was loving their afternoon together.
She giggled once more, as Nyx grabbed her face with both hands and neared his face to hers to leave a kiss on her nose.
“You’re so sweet, thank you.” She told him, and then smiled even brighter when she heard him laugh. He had the most contagious laugh ever. It even made Nesta smile whenever she heard his little cackles. Elain had a suspicion that that was the real reason Cassian loved making Nyx laugh so much.
Elain opened her eyes, she hadn’t even realized she had closed them. When she did, the smile on her lips nearly fell, but she tried to fix it back in place as fast as she could.
She’d been so relaxed that she hadn’t noticed the shadowsinger standing only a couple feet away from her, shadows slowly scattering from his shoulders, down his back, out of sight, his muscled arms crossed across his hard chest. His face so painfully beautiful, she always felt the need to look away, her neck and cheeks lightning up scarlet red when she lingered too long. She swallowed hard, and Nyx closed a chubby hand around her index finger.
“Hello,” she told him, trying to keep her voice steady. “Is everything okay?”
The spy master simply nodded towards her. He was wearing his uniforms, blue syphons glistening under the sun, the black leathers hugging every single part of him she wanted to ignore. No, she needed to ignore.
She still couldn’t forget the way his warm hands had felt on the sensitive skin of her neck the night of the Winter Solstice. Or the way she so desperately had wanted to kiss his lips, just one taste, she had told herself that night. One taste and maybe that would help her to get him out of her system. Although, deep down, she knew it would’ve made the want eating at her from the inside out, even worse. She’d been willing to take the chance, to be brave, for the first time after so, so long.
But then he’d regretted it all. He’d stepped away from her, leaving Elain alone in the dark, wondering if all of the longing she’d seen in his eyes, felt in his touch, had been in her tricky mind.
It had a way of doing that. Tricking her into believing things that weren’t there, hearing silent voices that no one else could hear.
She was better at ignoring it now. At pushing the maddening thoughts away.
“Feyre said you volunteered to spend the day with Nyx,” he said after a beat, his deep voice always made her skin tingle, it was soft like velvet, and he didn’t use it nearly enough, Elain thought. He approached them, taking short and slow steps towards them, as if to not scare her away. “She also mentioned you might need help. But for what I see, you have everything under control.”
“We’re having a lovely time.” She replied and kissed Nyx cheek. She sat up on the grass, and looked up at Azriel. “You can sit with us for a while if you like.”
“I do have a lot of things to get done,” he said intending to excuse himself, lifting one of his hands and rubbing the back of his neck, but he didn’t move. She narrowed her eyes at him slightly, and he quickly looked away towards the house. His shoulders were tense, and the muscle of his jaw clenched and unclenched, as if he wanted to open his mouth to say something, but couldn’t.
In a way it made Elain feel better to think that maybe these past months hadn’t been easy for him either. Not after the charged touches and the whispered words both of them regretted. Sometimes she even wished that night had never happened, only if that would make the way Azriel looked at her disappear.
Like he was scared to hurt her feelings again.
She couldn’t bare the wall he’d put between them.
Nyx started babbling and grabbing Elain’s dress, which forced her to stop looking at the spy master. She giggled at the way Nyx rolled over on his tummy to tried to eat the fabric of her skirts and rubbed his ribs playfully, making him chuckle. He looked up at her with a devilish glint in his eyes, before he bit the hem of her skirt again.
She laughed again.
“I guess I could stay a few minutes,” Azriel said, winning a surprised look from Elain. Before she had time to react to his words, he sat right beside her, his eyes glued on her, piercing and watching her every move. Every expression on her face. She looked down at Nyx, her cheeks warming up, burning.
Azriel reached a hand towards Nyx, and the baby grabbed one of his scared fingers without hesitation. The corner of Az’s lip twitched upward, and Elain’s shoulders relaxed slightly. She hadn’t really noticed how tense she was.
“He’s going to bite you,” she warned him, and Azriel raised a brow in her direction, his tan skin glowing under the strikes of light leaking through the tree’s foliage. The Shadowsinger was too distracted looking at Elain, to realize the way Nyx quickly brought his finger to his tiny mouth and bit him.
“Ouch!” Azriel exclaimed, and moved his hand slightly, just out of reach to prevent the baby biting him again, but not enough to lose the tight hold.
“Told you.” Elain laughed, her shoulders moving up and down, one hand going to her stomach. “He’s probably growing his first tooth. That’s why he’s biting everything an everyone. He almost bit off Cassian’s nose the other day.”
“I heard about that.” Azriel smiled. “He probably had it coming.”
“Probably.”
Azriel looked at Elain again. His eyes full of words he didn’t say. She wished things between them were different.
Easier.
She’d even caught herself once or twice wishing Lucien wasn’t on the picture. She’d regretted the thought immediately. What kind of person could wish something like that? She’d felt so terrible, but it was the truth. Deep down, in the darkest of nights, when she was all alone, surrounded by nothing but stars and silence, she’d dared ask the Mother why her sister had the luck of having the kind of mating bond she wanted so desperately and not her?
Had she done something wrong?
Was she underserving of love?
Of choices?
Some nights—most nights—, it felt like it.
“I like what you’ve done with the garden,” Azriel said, his voice was barely a whisper, a caress.
“It’s not entirely finished,” she started saying, it was involuntary for her, whenever someone brought up her garden, she couldn’t help but just spill every last detail bubbling inside her. “I have some new ideas, I even found some new flower seeds on the market the other day, spent the a whole minute talking with the lady that sold them. I didn’t buy them though, I want to talk to Rhysand and Feyre about it first. See what they think.”
“They’ll love it,” he said, and his throat bobbed. “How could they not?”
“You’re being too kind.”
He lifted a shoulder. “I’m being truthful.”
She wanted to smile at him the way she used to. Talk to him about her gardening plans. Spew all her ideas to the only one who was willing to listen.
“Maybe right now is not the right moment but,” Elain started, her stomach twisting at the idea of bringing up the Almost Kiss. She was sure he had buried it deep down the same way she had. “I think we should talk about what happened at Solst—“
Azriel suddenly stood up, cleaning up the leathers of his uniform in rushed and heavy brushes, very unlike him. His eyes flashing towards the house and back at Elain and Nyx on the floor. A single shadow appeared over his shoulder, seemingly whispering. Elain’s brows furrowed, her lips thinned.
“I want to,” he half whispered, straightening his back, more shadows peeking from his shoulders. “You’re right. We should. But we can’t, not right now.”
If she’d been confused before…
She blinked up at him, he was so tall she had to strain her neck to look up at him properly standing, in this position it was basically impossible to see his features clearly, the sun behind his back making the task even more difficult.
Elain heard the click of a door opening behind her and turned around to find Rhys entering the garden. His hair was messy, as well as his clothes, and she assumed he’d been upstairs with Feyre before coming down here.
“How’s my little guy doing?” Rhys asked, “I hope he’s not giving you too much trouble.”
“Nothing I couldn’t take.” Elain replied.
She turned around, hoping to find Azriel behind him, willing to leave Nyx with his father for a couple minutes so she could speak to the Shadowsinger alone. But there was nothing.
The garden was completely empty. There was no clue of Azriel ever being there, like he just vanished into thin air.
The only thing she was able to glimpse was one single shadow on the corner of the garden, right beside her rose bush, like it was looking directly at her. The tendril of darkness twirled around a single rose slowly, and then disappeared leaving a bittersweet aftertaste on her tongue.