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Hua Cheng was looking at Xie Lian with his machiavellian gaze, the one that Xie Lian knew too well now, and that meant “ I’m not working on my calligraphy anymore”.
Still, Xie Lian couldn’t care less, his heart too full of happiness to even show annoyance.
See, for the first time in many, many years, he had found the perfect gift for his husband’s birthday. He actually had been thinking about it for quite some times, but had never acted up on it until now.
Of course, Hua Cheng being Hua Cheng, he had put two and two together and he knew that Xie Lian good mood was because he had found his birthday present. So here they were now, all calligraphy forgotten as Hua Cheng tried to extort information from him.
“Gege, please, give me a clue? Just one, and I’ll leave you alone.”
Xie Lian was trying really hard not to say it. He had been for two weeks today exactly, and there was still one whole month before the birthday. If he said it now, he would have to find another present, and that was out of the question!
Yet, he was so excited that he couldn’t resist and gave, as promised, only one clue to his San Lang.
“Alright, alright, if San Lang insists…” Xie Lian said. He thought hard and deep, wanting to say something without revealing much, and smiled when he came up with a nice phrasing. “See : this year, you are actually helping me make the gift!”
Hua Cheng frowned, hard, and Xie Lian had to prevent himself from laughing.
“Can I get another clue?”
“No, no, San Lang, you cannot.”
“But Gege, this could be anything!” He sighed, dropping his head on Xie Lian’s lap in a dramatic way. “Are we making a cake?”
“For your birthday? We can do that, yes, but that won’t be your present.”
He turned his face slightly, so only his eye and his smile were showing.
“Is Gege letting his one indulging in the dream he had last time?”
“What…Oh! No, no, no.”
Xie Lian's cheeks were burning up, remembering the dream he had the mistake of telling Hua Cheng about. No. Definitely not that.
“Then Gege, this one truly doesn’t know, but I’m sure I’ll love it.”
“I think you’re going to love it very, very much.”
“I’ll be happy as long as we are together,” he said, putting his head down once again, his breath tingling Xie Lian’s stomach. “Just the two of us, forever.”
It was Xie Lian’s turn to frown, his heart missing a beat.
“But what if there was someone else with us?”
Hua Cheng growled. “No, just the two of us, Gege. I’ll exterminate whoever comes between us! I won’t share you with anyone else.”
Suddenly, Xie Lian realized that maybe his present wasn’t as perfect as he thought it would be.
He was in trouble.
----------
Contrary to popular belief, Xie Lian had always been convinced that he would, one day, have children.
Of course, his cultivation had been through abstinence, which made it more complicated, but he always had it in the back of his mind that one day, he would have a child to call him father. He would dote on them like his mother did to him. He would teach them how to cook, how to fight, and he would give him all the attention and love he had been missing from most of his life.
During the years, he had put that want into the back of his mind, not daring to think about it for too long. Most days, he couldn’t feed himself and didn’t have a roof over his head. There was no way he would have been able to care for a child.
So he projected his love into all the children that came into his life and when it was time, he let them go their own way, his heart always breaking a little during the process.
Then Hua Cheng came into his life, they fell in love, got married, and suddenly, life with a family wasn’t only a dream. Hua Cheng was his family, his beloved, and Xie Lian’s heart was full again, every single crack having been filed by his San Lang.
Loving Hua Cheng had been the most natural thing in his life, and though it had taken some time, being loved by Hua Cheng had come along, too. He loved his husband dearly, more than life itself, and during the years, he had dreamt again and again of what their littles ones would look like.
There had never been a precedent for this. He had read every book in Hua Cheng’s library, and none of them mentioned a God and a Ghost King having a child together, and Xie Lian had smiled knowing that they would be the first ones to do it.
It never occurred to him that Hua Cheng may not want that.
----------
Xie Lian didn’t know what to do, so he went to his friend, which was his second mistake.
When he had told them the good news, Shi Quingxuan had all but burst into tears.
Then he had told them the bad news, and they burst into tears, once again.
Really, Xie Lian should be the one getting comforted, not the other way around, and still here he was, hugging his friend while they cried their tears out.
Eventually, the tears stopped, and Shi Quingxuan studied the situation, agitating his fan in all kinds of ways.
“So basically, you’re baby trapping him.”
“I’m doing what?”
“Baby trapping. You got pregnant without consulting him first.”
“It’s not like that!”
“You are baby trapping the Ghost King,” they repeated once again, their fan venting strongly. “Dear lord your highness! I didn’t think you had that in you!”
Well, he didn’t either! It wasn’t what he wanted, not at all!
He had thought it would be a good surprise and to be fair, they did talk about it, and quite often! Whenever they were… Engaging in some kind of activities, Hua Cheng would run his hands in circles over Xie Lian’s belly and say things like : “ I want to put a child into you, Gege”, “Is Gege feeling my child into his belly?” “Gege is getting big with my son, I can already see it”.
“Oh no Xie Lian, please don’t be sad! Are you feeling ok?”
Thinking about it had made him feel hot all over, and he quickly reassured his friend.
Of course he was fine! He was pregnant when his husband had explicitly said that he would exterminate whoever came between them!
“What should I do? Should I… “ He stopped and whispered the next words. “Should I get rid of it?”
“I know someone, if you want to.” Shi Quingxuan let go of his fan and took Xie Lian’s hands in their own. “But your highness, maybe… I think you should talk with your husband first. Maybe he will change his mind?”
But Xie Lian didn’t want to make Hua Cheng change his mind. He wanted him to be happy, to want it, as much as he did.
Instinctively, his hand ended up on his still flat stomach, and for the first time in many, many years, he felt pain in his heart once again.
“Maybe. We will see.”
----------
“Gege, do you want another one?” Hua Cheng asked, pointing to another stand of buns. Since it had been known he had a special liking for buns, stands had started to bloom everywhere in Ghost City. He remembered how embarrassed he had been at first, until Hua Cheng had reassured him, claiming that he deserved nothing but for the Ghost city to be full of things he loved, given he was their King.
Since he had come up with his gift idea, he had been thinking about how the ghosts would react. He could already hear them praising their unborn child, making a whole party to celebrate, offering gifts after gifts to show their happiness.
The thought made him pale, now. Would they still love him, once they knew what he had done? That he had all but forced a kid unto their King?
The worst thing was, he knew Hua Cheng wouldn’t walk away. After so long, he could confidently say that Hua Cheng loved him too much to do that. He would stay and together, they would raise an unloved, unwanted child that would grow up hating both of them.
Maybe Hua Cheng would end up hating him, too. Not at first, of course, but when the child will be born and he will have to look at him, to take care of him, surely, there will be a breaking point and he will stop loving him.
“Gege, are you alright?”
He snapped out of his mind. Hua Cheng was holding him by the arms, a very worrying expression on his beautiful face.
Oh, how Xie Lian hated himself.
“I’m sorry, San Lang. I… I need to lay down for a moment.”
“Are you feeling sick? Do you want me to scan you?”
“No!” He quickly got out of Hua Cheng’s arms and took a step back. “Haha, no, it’s ok, San Lang. I’m just… I will see you tonight! I need to go!”
“But Gege-”
“Bye!”
It was too late, as Xie Lian was already running back to their home, not sparing him one last look.
----------
“What have you done…” Mu Quing said, horrified.
“Don’t talk to him like that! Can’t you see he is already feeling like shit?!”
Xie Lian usually appreciated Feng Xin's help, but not right now.
He had decided to go to his old friends, knowing too well how they would react. Still, he needed someone to help him make a decision, because time was running off. With each passing day, the chances that Hua Cheng would find out were getting bigger. Just yesterday, he had commented on how Xie Lian’s belly felt rounder and fuller, and yes, it had been after sex, and he always said that, knowing how much Xie Lian loved it, but it had sent him into a spiral of fear that had him leaving their bed in less than ten minutes, to Hua Cheng’s sadness.
“What should I do?” He finally asked.
“Well… What do you want? A child or your husband?” Mu Quing said, having calmed down.
“San Lang,” Xie Lian said, without even thinking. “I want San Lang. I love him more than anything.”
“That’s gross, but alright,” he said, “you have your answer, then.”
“Not so fast,” Feng Xin said, his arms crossed over his chest. “Your highness, do you want to get rid of that child?”
“I…” He couldn’t lie. Not to them. “No, I don’t. I very much want this baby.”
Mu Quing sighed, getting up from his chair as he started to walk in rounds and rounds, fuming with rage.
“Then tell that fucker that he needs to assume his responsibilities! Let’s not ignore that he… He did that to you! Which, by itself, is an abomination.”
“Don’t talk like that about my husband,” Xie Lian warned him, “nor my child.”
The atmosphere quickly changed and neither of them was comfortable to speak anymore. Even after all this time, there were still things they simply couldn’t agree on, one of them was his relationship with Hua Cheng.
“As someone who has been in this situation,” Feng Xin said, “tell him what is going on. No matter what your decision is, you want him to know.”
He was right. Xie Lian was aware of that, but he needed to hear it from someone else. It was his decision in the end, but their marriage was based on love, respect and transparency. They didn’t have any lies, any secrets for each other, and Xie Lian didn’t want to change that.
“Thank you, both of you. I’ll let you know what I… What we ’ve decided.”
----------
Hua Cheng’s birthday was in one week, and Xie Lian knew that no matter the outcome, his birthday wouldn’t be a good one.
Still, he had made up his mind, and was waiting for Hua Cheng to come to Puqi Shrine so he could deliver the news.
His heart was racing with anxiety, and he hadn’t even been able to keep his breakfast into his stomach. No matter the decision they would take, he knew that his marriage with Hua Cheng was at risk. How do you recover from your spouse doing something like that?
“Gege,” Hua Cheng said, walking inside Puqi Shrine. He was looking down, refusing to look at Xie Lian, and it made his heart ache even more.
For the past few days, Xie Lian had been incredibly distant from him, something that was painful for both of them. But he had no choice! He couldn’t have Hua Cheng found out before he told him himself!
“San Lang. Could you sit down?”
He pointed to the chair around the table and waited for Hua Cheng to sit on it. He wasn’t eager to do so, all but dragging his body around the room, but he did sit eventually.
“Have I done something to hurt you, your Highness?”
“San Lang could never hurt me,” Xie Lian said softly.
“Then are you mad at me? Is it because I’m still not getting better at calligraphy? Because, if it is that, I will make some efforts, for real this time.”
Had the situation been different, Xie Lian would have laughed.
“No, no, San Lang, this has nothing to do with it. In fact it’s I who's done something bad.”
Hua Cheng frowned, finally meeting his gaze.
“Do you need help, then? This one hopes that his husband knows he can ask him for everything. No matter what.”
Xie Lian’s smile turned upside down. It made him happy, yet sadness took over immediately, too. He loved his San Lang so much. He didn’t want to lose him, not now, not never.
But it was too late, now.
“San Lang, I… I did something bad. Really bad. I thought.. Can you promise to hear me out? That you’ll still love me, even… Even if it’s not as much as now?”
Hua Cheng took his hands in his, holding them tightly, while tears started to go down on Xie Lian’s cheeks.
“Your Highness, Xie Lian, Husband, I could never love you less than I love you now! What are you talking about?”
“I thought you would be happy, but I was selfish. I kept thinking about what gift I could give you this year, and I thought… I thought, what could be better than the concretisation of our love? I never… I should have asked you. I’m sorry, San Lang. I’m so, so sorry.”
“I don’t… I don’t understand?”
The words were on his tongue, but he couldn’t say them. He was too ashamed, too scared.
Instead, he guided their hands on his belly, letting them rest here, still interlaced.
Hua Cheng froze.
Had he been breathing, he would have stopped. His whole body was still, his eye not looking away from where his hands were. The silence was strong, but the beating of Xie Lian’s heart was filling the room.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, San Lang. You need to believe me, I-”
“You’re carrying my child?” He cut him.
Xie Lian nodded.
“It’s- My child, our child, is inside of you, right now?”
“Yes.”
“How long?”
“I… Almost two months, now? I wanted… I wanted to be sure, before your birthday.”
“And you’re sure?”
“I am sure, yes.”
He had gone to that old lady's house and had let her put her ears on his belly. She had assured him that there was no doubt about his state, even though it was very early.
He had then gone to four different women and they all confirmed it, one of them even claiming that she could already tell it was a boy.
“Why is Gege so sad, then?” Hua Cheng asked, finally looking him in the eyes. To Xie Lian’s surprise, there was not a hint of anger in them. “Have you changed your mind?”
“It’s not about what I want. It’s about what you want.”
“Me?”
“You said you wanted us to be… To be just us for eternity. This… It won’t be just us, if we… If this child is to be born.”
Hua Cheng let out a breath and dropped to his knees, his head resting on Xie Lian’s lap. He was laughing, while tears were running down his face, and Xie Lian wondered if that was what a mental breakdown looked like.
“I never thought you wanted that,” he confessed. “Do you know how guilty I felt, all those years? I knew you wanted a child, but I couldn’t… I never thought you wanted one with me!”
Xie Lian took Hua Cheng’s face between his hands, forcing him to look at him.
“Why wouldn’t I want a child with you, San Lang? You are my wonderful husband, I wouldn’t want a child if it wasn’t yours.”
Even after all those years, he still couldn’t always read Hua Cheng’s expression. It was a mix of love, sadness, anger and desire. He knew that all the bad ones weren’t meant for him.
With his thumbs, he slowly traced circles on Hua Cheng’s jaw, trying to put the tears away.
“Do you want this child, then?”
“More than anything,” Hua Cheng said. “I’ve been dreaming of this for so long. I was only a floating spirit and I was already allowing myself to dream of it. Loving you was my destiny, your Highness, but giving you a child… That has been my deepest dream.”
“San Lang.”
Xie Lian couldn’t take it anymore. He dropped to the floor, throwing himself into his husband’s arms and hugging him as tightly as possible. Tears were floating again, but this time they were happy tears.
They were kissing, on the lips, on the face, in the neck, everywhere and nowhere at once. Hua Cheng was holding him with one hand, while the other was staying protectively on his belly.
“This is the best gift ever,” he whispered, resting his forehead against Xie Lian’s. “I’m so happy. You have no idea how happy I am.”
“Happy birthday, then?”
Hua Cheng laughed again, throwing his head back, and Xie Lian did the same, all his pain already forgotten.
Later, when they were both in bed, their clothes all but gone and their bodies relaxed after a very tender love making, Hua Cheng had put his head on Xie Lian’s belly, his face turned toward him so he could look at him lovingly.
It felt so stupid, now, to think that Hua Cheng wouldn’t want that!
He will have to thank his friends for forcing him to talk to him instead of going on with his plan.
“Can you imagine my next birthday, Gege? We will have a one year old running around!”
Xie Lian smiled but then suddenly stopped playing with his husband’s hair.
He will never be able to top that gift!
He had ruined Hua Cheng’s birthdays for the next century at least!
“Gege? Are you ok?”
“Haha, yes, yes. Very. Let's sleep, San Lang, I’m very tired.”
To sleep, Hua Cheng took back his usual position : next to Xie Lian, holding him tenderly in his arms, their bodies mixing together and forming one.
He sighed, happiness rushing through his veins. He will have time to think about his next gift later. For now, he just wanted to appreciate what he had: his dream of having a family with Hua Cheng, finally coming true.