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For all his partiality for a well executed plan, Theo could be pretty impulsive at times. It was something that he'd had to confront when he was trying to bring Scott's pack down, and then again when he'd put his own life in danger in order to save Liam – from the Wild Hunt, first, and then the Hunters, later. It was also the reason he found himself, right now, with blood smeared on his face and a broken nose, standing in the middle of an empty parking lot at a three-hour distance from Beacon Hills.
Realising that he had feelings for Liam – fully, consciously allowing himself to realise it, really – had been like crashing his truck against a tree. Not only because he'd been driving at the time, very nearly actually crashing his truck against a tree in a sudden fit of soul-paralyzing despair, but also because he'd never thought he was the kind of person who could feel like that about anyone, let alone Liam Dunbar, with his stupid hair and his dumb earnest eyes and his predilection for connecting his fist to Theo's face whenever the chance presented itself.
Like now, for example, right after Theo had kissed him on the lips in what had clearly been a bout of insanity – insanity that, judging from Liam's expression and drawn-out claws, was gonna cost him his life.
He hadn't meant to do it. Theo was a lot of things, but he wasn't dumb, and kissing Liam was probably the dumbest thing he could've done, or even just thought of doing. He wasn't self-deluding enough to think that his feelings could ever be requited – hell, he and Liam weren't even friends – but most importantly, Theo's presence around the McCall pack was very much a conditional affair: one misstep and he could as well bid everyone goodbye.
So, yeah, he hadn't meant to do it, but Liam had just said something funny, made Theo laugh, warmth unfurling in his chest and stomach and the tips of his fingers, and Theo had looked at him and thought that maybe he didn't care much about what was gonna happen, so long as he got to taste Liam's laugh mixed with his own.
Flash forward to ten seconds later, and all he could taste was blood. That, and a bitter note of humiliation.
“What the fuck!”, Liam shouted.
Theo wiped his mouth with the back of a hand, shooting him a glare. “That should be my line.”
“Why the hell did you do that?”
Theo scoffed. “I'm wondering the same thing. Guess I must've hit my head one too many times, all the concussions finally caught up with me.”
“Stop being a dick, this is not funny.”
“Says the kid without blood in his mouth.” Theo spat on the ground. “You didn't like it, fine, but did you have to punch me? It's a three-hour drive back to Beacon Hills, and my shirt is ruined.”
“Well, what did you expect was gonna happen?”
Theo had no idea. He hadn't planned that far ahead before leaning in and pressing his mouth over Liam's while he was still mid-laugh. Lips on teeth. So romantic.
“Just forget it,” he said, and fished his keys from the jacket's pockets, turning to the other end of the lot, where he'd parked his truck.
“How the hell am I supposed to do that,” Liam shouted as he followed him to the car. “Hey! Turn around. You're not getting out of this conversation until you explain to me why—”
Theo turned on his heels, and Liam almost collided with his chest at the sudden change of direction. He took a quick step back, chin tucked against his neck as he stared at Theo with something that could only be described as defiant confusion. Theo wanted to punch him so bad. Instead, he just said, “What do you want me to say, Liam? I kissed you because I wanted to. You've had a girlfriend, I'm sure the concept of attraction is not that alien to you.”
Liam was beet red now. “The concept of what?”
“I'll buy you a dictionary for your birthday.”
Theo turned again and walked to his truck. He knew that he was acting like a douchebag, but after going through such a humiliating rejection, the least he could do to call it even was try to make Liam feel like an idiot too. Which usually wasn't that difficult anyway, since Liam was, in fact, an idiot.
Theo made it all the way to the door on the driver's side before Liam grabbed his shirt and all but shoved an half-empty bottle of water against his chest. “Your face,” he said in lieu of an explanation when Theo just glared at him.
Theo felt his expression smooth out. “Thanks.”
Liam kept standing there as Theo used the water bottle to wash the blood off his face. Once he was done, Theo used the hem of his shirt to dry off, and the movement seemed to awaken Liam from his reverie, because he startled and stepped away to walk to the other side of the truck. The door opened and then slammed shut a moment later.
Theo took a big sip of water, swishing it around in his mouth and then spitting it out to get rid of the taste of blood. His tongue slid over his teeth. That was the best it was gonna get.
Liam didn't say anything for the first twenty minutes of their drive. Theo had turned the radio on as soon as he'd started the car, too distracted by the hiccups of Liam's heartbeat as he undoubtedly kept going over their conversation time and time again, and his stomach plummeted when Liam reached out and turned the volume down.
“It was a joke, right?”, he asked, gaze still fixed on the road like he was scared of looking at anything else. “The attraction thing.”
Theo rolled his eyes. It took all of his self-control not to jam on the brakes and drag Liam out of the truck because what the fuck.
“I mean—” Liam licked his lips. His eyes looked a little wild. “I mean, you were just horny or whatever. Right?”
“Yes, Liam, running errands with you in Shit-hole Town here made me so horny that I couldn't help myself.” Theo shook his head. “Or whatever helps you sleep at night.”
“I'm just saying it doesn't make any sense!”
“You're telling me that? I'm the one who has to deal with it.”
“Well now I have to deal with it too!”
“How? Just forget it.”
“But I can't!”
“Want me to hit your head so I can make it easier? I can arrange that. In fact, keep talking and I will arrange way more than that.”
Liam had the gall to scoff at that. “Like what, you'll buy me chocolates?”
Theo made a face. “What?”
“That's what normal people do when they have a crush on someone.”
“That's what anime people do when they have a crush on someone.” Then Theo realised what Liam had just said, and his hands tightened around the steering wheel. “And I don't have a crush.”
That was technically correct, if only for a more embarrassing reason, since Theo was pretty sure that what he felt for Liam was less like a crush and more like a word that started with ‘L’ and ended with something along the lines of ‘you're gonna get your heart broken’, but – semantics, right? It wasn't his heart anyway.
“So when did it start?”, Liam asked. He was still very deliberately not looking at him, choosing instead to tilt his head against the seat so that he was facing the window. His affected nonchalance did nothing to hide the wild quality of his chemosignals, an array of emotions so complex and tangled up that Theo couldn't even begin to analyze them. He didn't want to, a little scared of what he might find.
“No, we're done talking about this,” he forced out through gritted teeth. “Another question and I'm leaving your ass on the road.”
“You wouldn't.”
Theo snorted, a bitter sound. “Try me.”
He felt more than saw Liam finally turn around to stare at him. Whatever he found on Theo's face probably convinced him of the seriousness of that threat, because he said, “I can't believe you sometimes,” and then nothing else.
After another ten minutes, it was Theo who opened his mouth to break the silence. “So when are you gonna tell everyone? I'd like to get a heads up before Malia tries to kill me.”
“I'm not telling anyone,” said Liam, frowning.
Theo let out a bitter laugh. “Yeah, right.”
“I'm not.”
“Not even Mason?” When Liam didn't answer, Theo continued, “Once Mason knows, Corey does too, and then it's everyone else. As I said, all I want is a heads up.” He thought of Malia – gaze flashing blue, clawed hand ready to slash across his face – and had to consciously suppress a shiver. “And maybe a gun,” he then added in a whisper.
“I'm not telling Mason,” said Liam.
“Why?”
“Do you want me to tell him? Shut the fuck up and drive, Theo.”
“I can talk and drive at the same time.”
“Not if I knock you out, you can't.”
Theo let the conversation go. He had his doubts about Liam keeping that a secret, but there wasn't much that he could do about it: he'd made his bed, it was time to lie in it. After all, it wasn't Malia's bursts of violence that he was worried about. What he truly feared, more than anything else, was the derision that was sure to follow, the contempt in her eyes and the reluctant pity in the others' as they looked at him and thought poor bastard, believing he'd have a chance after everything he's done. Theo had never believed that, not for a second, and yet he'd kissed Liam anyway. Talk about self-destructive tendencies.
When he stole another glance at his side, Liam's head was pressed against the window and his eyes were closed. The rest of the drive went by in silence.
𓃩
Theo parked in front of his apartment building as the sun was beginning to set over Beacon Hills. He turned the truck off and turned to Liam, who'd spent the last two hours sleeping and was now blearily looking up at the world outside. He frowned when he recognized the street. “What are we doing here? Scott and the others are at the clinic.”
Theo forced himself to look away. “Well, thanks to someone,” he said, removing the key from the ignition, “I smell like blood and my shirt is a mess, so...”
Liam lowered his gaze. Something in the air shifted, the awkwardness from before making a comeback now that Theo had alluded to what had gone down in the parking lot. He didn't even know why he'd done that: it was like he couldn't stop pouring salt into his wound, rubbing it in, making it hurt, and wasn't sure whether the one he was really trying to punish was himself or Liam.
He sighed. “Listen, I need a shower. You can come in or wait in the truck, your call.”
Liam pressed his lips in a line. “I'll wait here.”
Theo expected that, but still had to squash down the disappointment sinking in his chest. Liam usually loved invading his personal space, for the simple reason that Theo never wanted him to, or at least pretended not to, and most days going against what Theo wanted seemed to be Liam's only raison d'être. Theo guessed that day wasn't any different.
“Don't put your feet on the dashboard,” he said as he stepped out of the truck. That got a smile out of Liam – small and short lived, but Theo would take any victory he could get.
He'd almost reached the building's entrance when Liam called his name. Theo turned around, frowning, his stomach hot with a sudden spike of anxiety. “What?”
“What are you doing?”, Liam asked.
Theo doubted he was asking about his shower, so he didn't answer. He just stood there, waited as Liam studied him with his unflinching blue eyes. The door on the passenger side was still closed, the window rolled down a few inches.
“Are we really just gonna...” Liam shrugged, gaze shifting to the side. “I don't know. Forget about it?”
“Yes.”
Liam frowned and, after a few seconds spent staring at something that Theo couldn't see, nodded. “Yeah, whatever,” he murmured, turning so that he could go back to facing the windshield.
“It won't happen again,” Theo said, and the words felt heavy on his tongue, a promise he so desperately wished he didn't have to keep – even though keeping it was the only way to ensure Liam's presence in his life. He'd gotten his one kiss, after all, the first and the last, he couldn't ask for anything more than that. He didn't have the right.
Liam nodded again, and said nothing.
Theo went inside.
Despite his disappointment when Liam had said that he was gonna wait in the truck, Theo was a little relieved to be left alone. As soon as the door clicked shut behind him, he leaned against it, hid his face in his hands. Inhale, exhale. He was tired, and the smell of blood still lingering about him only made him feel grosser, sadder. Pathetic. But underneath it writhed a twisted sort of pleasure: guilt was more bearable when he was getting punished, after all.
He let his hands fall at his sides and shook his head. He only had to get through the evening, go to Deaton's so they could hand the others what they'd retrieved that afternoon, and then get back home. After that he could disappear for a while, avoid Liam and the pack until they sought him out again. Let things between him and Liam smooth out on their own.
The shower he took was quick and cold. His muscles spasmed under the freezing jet of water, but he gritted his teeth through it, concentrating on the sharp smell of his body wash, the way the stream hit the tiles and the sound drowned out everything else. Sweet white noise.
Then he got out, dried off, shot a look at the shirt crumpled on the floor. He'd learned how to get blood out of all kinds fabrics a long time ago, in what felt like another life, but it didn't seem worth the hassle now. So he picked the shirt up and dumped it in the trash instead, willing the sense of inadequacy in the pit of his stomach to disappear with it. It didn't.
Ten minutes later, he left the building.
Liam was nowhere to be seen.
𓃩
Scott greeted him with a smile that Theo wasn't sure how to return. It took all of his willpower not to completely ignore him and charge through the door at the other side of the room, where Liam, Malia and Deaton were discussing something in low voices. He forced himself to stay put, the hand in his pocket clutched tight around Liam's phone. He'd left it on the dashboard before he'd run away. It was dead.
“Sorry, I went home to shower,” Theo explained, even though Scott hadn't asked.
“Yeah, Liam said he got tired of waiting for you and decided to, uh... run here instead?” Scott snorted, throwing a quick glance over his own shoulder. “He just arrived.”
“That kid's out of his mind.”
“Shut up, Theo, I can hear you.”
Theo rolled his eyes, trying to shove his relief down where no one would see it. At least Liam wasn't mad at him – not enough to ignore Theo's jabs at him, at least. Theo could work with that.
Scott chuckled. “Anyway... Oh, I sent you a text, I guess you didn't see it— you didn't have to come. Liam brought everything to Deaton, we were about to leave.”
Theo shrugged. “I was already on my way,” he said, then took Liam's phone out of his pocket and held it up between them. “Besides, he left this in the car. I figured the last thing any of us wants right now is for him to go MIA. Again.”
The last word came out louder, clearly aimed directly at the other werewolf. Liam let out an affronted sound. “Alright, that was one time,” he said, appearing in the doorway across the room, “and my phone was dead.”
“One time? Your phone battery's pretty shit.”
“You're one to talk? Yours is always dead.”
“Try again, I turn my phone off on purpose.”
Liam walked up to him and snatched the phone out of his hand. “That's worse, you dick.”
The corner of Theo's mouth twitched, and Liam's frown deepened. He was about to say something else, but then Malia and Deaton walked into the room.
“Thanks for making the trip,” said Deaton. “I can start working on our project tomorrow.”
“No problem,” said Liam, and Theo nodded.
Malia threw him a dirty look, but didn't even greet him. Not that Theo had expected anything else from her – she usually ignored him on the good days and straight up tried to murder him on the bad ones, so Theo took that as a win.
“I wanna get takeout,” she told Scott.
“Sure.” Scott pressed a kiss on her forehead, and his arm slid around her waist like it'd been made to do that – like it didn't matter what would happen, it would always find its way there so that Scott could pull her close and ask, “Chinese okay?”
Theo didn't understand that normalness, the ease with which they touched and told each other, without saying it, just how much they cared. He didn't think he was built for it, that easy kind of affection, but sometimes he wished he was. Sometimes he wished his brain was wired differently, that the simple act of showing vulnerability wouldn't feel like barbed wire being dragged underneath his skin.
“Yeah.” Malia turned to Liam. “Need a ride?”
Liam shook his head. “Theo's dropping me off.”
Theo raised his eyebrows, a little taken aback. He'd thought that Liam wouldn't be willing to spend more time with him than what was strictly necessary, but the other had once again managed to surprise him. “Am I,” he said with a tilt of his head. “News to me.”
Liam just glared at him, so a few minutes later they found themselves back in Theo's truck, where the air still smelled faintly of blood and anxiousness. Liam immediately rolled his window down. Theo did the same.
“I thought you'd accept Malia's offer,” Theo said as he manoeuvred the truck out of its spot outside the clinic. “After your little stunt this evening – which, by the way, was one of the dumbest things you've ever done – I figured you didn't wanna be stuck in a car with me.”
“I left because I was pissed at you,” Liam said.
Theo hummed. “You still sound pissed.”
“Because I still am.”
“Great. Wanna break my nose again?”
“Fuck you.”
Theo rolled his eyes. “I don't know what to tell you, Liam, I thought we'd cleared things up. I did something dumb, you punched me for it, it won't happen again. What else do you want?”
“The truth,” and before Theo could reply, “none of that attraction bullshit.”
“That was the truth, why's it so hard for you—”
“Because I don't know what it means!” Liam slammed a fist against the door, and Theo would've told him off if he hadn't been so confused by the words. Liam closed his eyes, chest expanding as he took a deep breath and held it, just like Theo had taught him once. He exhaled, then did it all over again. Theo knew not to interrupt when he was trying to keep control of himself, and so he waited, gaze fixed on the road in front of them, the rest of his attention zeroed in on Liam's frantic heartbeat as it slowed down.
When he got calmer, Liam raked his fingers through his hair and tilted his head back against the seat. “I don't know what it means,” he repeated, softer this time. “Like— what is it? You want to kiss me? Date me? Is it something you can just... forget about?”
Yes, yes, no, but Theo didn't answer. Instead he asked, “Does it even matter?”
“Of course it matters.”
“Why?”
“Because it does!”
Theo turned to shoot him a stare that was both disbelief and annoyance. “Wow, aren't you full of insights today.”
“And you're full of shit, like always.”
“Hey, I'm being nothing but honest here!”
“Then fucking be honest all the way.”
Theo shook his head, hands holding the steering wheel so tight that it almost hurt. Liam didn't know what he was asking – or even worse, maybe he did, maybe Theo's feelings were written all over his face, had always been where everyone could see them. He'd been walking around with a neon sign on his head, I LOVE THIS IDIOT pulsating in big capital letters whenever he so much as glanced at Liam, and no one had ever had the heart to tell him.
The game was over now.
𓃩
Even after he'd parked in front of Liam's house and turned off the engine, neither of them moved. Theo could feel the warmth of Liam's gaze on the side of his face, but refused to meet it. He kept looking at his hands, instead, still clutching the wheel, and wondered when they'd stopped being a weapon and started yearning to be something else. Something softer. Something different than a blade.
“You want the truth, Liam?”, he asked. The sound of his own voice was jarring in the silence.
Liam's heart stuttered when he said, “Yeah,” and there was nothing else to be said, nothing else to be done. It was them facing the truth and no way out that wasn't forward.
“You make me feel normal.”
The words were unexpected, even to himself. Theo had opened his mouth and they'd tumbled out like they'd always been there, tucked somewhere underneath his tongue, waiting. “Even when you remind me of how fucked up I can be,” he said, bitter smile twitching at the corners of his lips, “I look at you and think— I can't be all bad if I feel this way. There must be something good in there.”
Liam turned away from him, back to staring out the windshield. “I always talk shit about you when we're together.”
“And I always prove you wrong, don't I?”
Liam's breath hitched. He lowered his head, gaze fixing on the phone in his lap. He toyed with the cheap plastic case, putting it on and getting it off while his heart was doing somersaults. Click, click. Click. Theo focused on those sounds, desperately trying to ignore the feeling of barbed wire pushing against his skin, threatening to tear him up from the inside out.
He sighed, said, “I haven't changed, Liam. I'm still as messed up as I was when I came back to Beacon Hills. Maybe more, after...” A dull ache spread in his chest at the memories. “But you make me wish things were different.”
The clicking stopped, then started again.
“I've done things for you that I didn't believe I could ever do. That has to count for something, right?” Theo shook his head, let out a self-deprecating chuckle. “But maybe it doesn't.”
“It does,” said Liam, and when Theo turned to stare at him he met his eyes, unflinching blue staring right back at him. “I gave you a lot of shit for what you've done. I'm not saying you didn't deserve it, but— people change. It has to count for something.”
Theo nodded, mouth dry, throat too tight to let out a sound. Then he averted his gaze and nodded at the house in front of them, where he could hear Liam's mother cooking dinner. He cleared his throat. “You should go.”
“Yeah.” Liam sighed. “See you around?”
Theo shrugged. “I'm not going anywhere.”
He didn't turn when Liam slid out of the truck and shut the door. He didn't turn when his steps got farther away, when the jingle of Liam's keys reached his ears. But then the sounds got closer again, and he finally turned, asking, “What did you forget this time?”
There was nothing on the seat, nothing on the dashboard.
Liam opened the door, pressed his kneel on the seat, leaned forward. His hand found its place at the back of Theo's neck, and he pulled him in a kiss – hard and off-center. Theo widened his eyes and then squeezed them shut, one hand still gripping the steering wheel, the other raised at the side of Liam's head but unable to cross the distance that separated it from the warmth of his skin.
Liam pulled away. “Goodnight,” he said, and Theo would've laughed at the high pitch of his voice if he hadn't forgotten how to breathe.
“Do I get to punch you now?”, he said, feeling dumb and light and warm all over.
Liam winced. “Uh, maybe next time,” he said, and awkwardly patted him on the shoulder, like he wasn't sure how to act after what he'd just done. He slipped out of the truck, avoiding eye contact, cheeks red with recklessness and embarrassment.
Theo smiled. “I'll hold you to that.”
Liam snapped his gaze up, blue eyes wide and nervous, then nodded and slammed the door shut. His hands had already disappeared in his jeans pockets to retrieve the keys to the house.
Theo stared at his back as he walked away. He wasn't sure what that second kiss had meant, too afraid to ask, but at that moment it didn't really matter: he could still feel it burn along the seam of his lips, skin tingling, Tara's heart hammering a wicked tune in his chest, and the only thought crossing his mind was that he'd gotten way more than what he deserved.
Liam knew how he felt and didn't mind.
Theo knew what he tasted like.
There was gonna be a next time.