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It hurt to live. The aches in his muscles never did truly end. His flesh healed, yet the scars still remained, ugly and blotchy, pitiful. Blood ran through his veins, and he longed for the day it would stop, his body running cold and motionless once and for all.
Blade's fingers shook as he tightly wrapped bandages around his arm. The energy of battle was still clawing at the back of his mind, memories of Blade’s tainted past flashing before his blood-shot eyes.
Why Yingxing did what he did, Blade could never understand. Why commit such a grave sin? Why did he turn himself into an abomination? Why did Yingxing become Blade ?
What Blade knew of himself was very limited, he had tried to comprehend who he was many years ago, yet perhaps, deep down, he didn’t truly wish to understand. He was a weapon, a mara-struck abomination, only useful due to the sword skills he once was taught by someone who now walks the same path as him, who must also pay the price; someone who could grant him the sweet release of death, even if for just a moment. He was nothing but a blade .
The familiar faces of the past plagued his mind as every minute of his eternal life passed by. The memories had become quite hazy after seven hundred years, yet they still walked alongside him with every step he took. Yingxing followed Blade like his own shadow; each time Blade turned around to face the other, Yingxing was nowhere to be seen. Blade only ever saw him through his own unsightly reflection.
He solemnly closed his eyes, and somehow his first time back at the Xianzhou Luofu, after all those years, came into view. It was the land that wasn't where he was born in, but the place he had begun to consider to be his home, before his eventual banishment.
Blade had first seen Jing Yuan out of everyone, the first familiar face. He had watched the general's expression carefully, eyes tracing his face, posture and body language. Not only the part of Blade's memory that had remained of the man, but his whole being had told him that Jing Yuan was good .
Of five people, three must pay a price. You are not one of them, Jing Yuan.
Blade had held no ill will towards the general, so, for once, he had accepted his instincts. He took Yingxing's word concerning Jing Yuan.
What had scared him, and still did, was that the resentment he held towards those who had to pay the price was missing when it came to Jing Yuan. Blade almost wanted to hate him, it felt natural to do so. Hatred was the only way that a blade like him knew how to “live”.
Yet when Jing Yuan had cast his gaze upon the chained criminal, there was no loathing behind those eyes. The general’s look had been stern, as it should be when dealing with a dangerous criminal such as himself. However Jing Yuan’s, an old friend of Yingxing, eyes had held a certain softness to them. From then on, Blade saw those golden eyes when he closed his own, fascinated in the mellow nature of his gaze, a gaze that no one had ever cast upon him before.
While Elio's plan had already told him so, he still couldn't help but be a little taken aback when the almighty general of the Xianzhou Luofu had agreed to let a wanted criminal go from the Shackling Prison so easily. Blade hadn't shown any actual clear signs of surprise, of course, but could feel as though the ever observing golden eyes had seen right through him.
“You're free to go,” Jing Yuan's low voice had carried over the criminal's prison cell. “But I cannot guarantee I can let you go once more if you get caught in my hands again.”
Unbeknownst to him, the corners of Blade's traitorous lips quirked slightly upwards at the memory. What a wicked man. The bandages had gone limp in his arms due to how preoccupied his mind had been with reminiscing of the past. There was barely any point in patching himself up anyways.
“What's gotten you so amused…?” A low voice called out behind him, the sentence seemingly being cut off.
He didn't bother turning around. Blade simply sat at the old and broken stone stairs, observing the roots of the Ambrosial Arbor in the distance. Quite the beautiful place it was, Scalegorge Waterscape, he had to admit. A shame such sins polluted the soil of the land.
Blade heard the sound of firm, yet slow steps being taken behind his back. Once they stopped, he felt a presence parallel to his empty shell of a body. He looked up carefully, meeting the eyes he had avoided throughout the whole “reunion”.
“The general doesn't seem to keep his word, though he may preach it,” he muttered, feigning calmness.
He couldn't quite read Jing Yuan's expression, but for once, Blade wanted to know, he wanted to know what was on Jing Yuan's mind. He was mentally startled when the general sat beside him on the dirty stairs. Golden eyes looked on at the ethereal dragon in the distance, and crimson eyes soon followed suit.
Just when Blade looked away from him, Jing Yuan turned to the criminal. “I keep my promises, for I do not make them with the intent not to fulfill my word,” he said, voice almost but a whisper.
What a peculiar man he was, the general of the Xianzhou Luofu. Now that he had revealed the identity of Imbibitor Lunae and got him off his mind, Blade thought of Jing Yuan instead of him. This time, however, his mind wasn't clouded in a deep mist of hate and malice. Blade's mind felt at peace, for a rare moment, as he tried to keep his eyes on the Ambrosial Arbor, and not on the man beside him.
He exhaled slowly. “You had told me, once before, that you're letting me go on one condition,” he stated, now letting his eyes meet those golden ones that kept drawing him in. “That if I get into your grasp again, you won't be letting me go once more.” Jing Yuan smiled softly, and the act weirdly made Blade lose his train of thought.
“I did say that, yes.” Perhaps the smile was more sorrowful than Blade had first thought. Jing Yuan didn't utter anything else, waiting for the other to elaborate. They locked eyes for a long moment, soft wind blowing at their long hair. Blade almost felt mortal once again in those simple shared minutes of tranquility. He almost forgot his body was but a weapon. Almost.
“And I'm not amused, but puzzled,” Blade finally replied dryly, turning away from the other's watchful gaze, now feeling quite defensive. “How the general is so generous to let a wanted criminal go not only once, but twice now.” His scarred fingers found purpose on the white bandages again in a pathetic attempt of distraction.
He heard Jing Yuan chuckle quietly. “Are you claiming that I am incompetent?”
Blade tried to keep his focus on the gauze, not allowing Jing Yuan to gain the satisfaction of his attention. “Well, you're certainly living up to the nickname of the Dozing General, aren't you?” he muttered.
“Hah, glad to see there's still some humor in you,” he laughed.
Blade stopped his movements for a moment. The minute moment of death Jingliu had granted him during their fight caused all types of memories to crash back like an unforgiving wave. Though he doubted he'd ever encounter the woman again, sadly.
His mind offered him memories of Jing Yuan, seven hundred years ago. Blade saw the blurry figure of a young child, who would grow up to be the general of the Luofu. And then there were Yingxing’s own small hands reaching out to the boy, offering some of the first blades he had crafted back then. They had been no masterpieces or genius creations, just metal shaped by a mortal boy who no longer had a home. Yet the white-haired child had still beamed brightly, offering compliments towards his work.
But the face of an older Jing Yuan was much clearer, accompanied by images of other old acquaintances. Though they were small, he could still tell apart the differences from who he was right now and who he had been back then. Like how his eyes had been brighter, smile wider and more genuine. However, he stood taller now, not in height, but in presence, in authority.
Instinctively, Blade turned towards the other man. Yes, there were lines around his eyes that he didn't remember, and a different aura accompanied the man. His gaze roamed until red eyes set sights on something that forced an unwelcome pang in his heart, reverbing through his entire body.
Jing Yuan, the observant bastard, took notice that he froze up, and followed his stare. There was that dejected nostalgic smile again.
“That weapon…” Blade's left hand, forever covered in bandages, forever scarred, itched to reach out and touch the metal the hand had once carefully crafted many moons ago.
The general gracefully laid the huge glaive out on both of their thighs. It shone beautifully in Blade's lap, the golden stripes gleaming in the sunlight. He now let his fingers trace the glaive, feeling his heart beat again in his chest for the first time in hundreds of years at how stunning it was. He felt conflicted, all kinds of emotions brewing in his heart, but none of them were the all too familiar anger Blade had grown accustomed to feeling when the memories usually came by.
Large fingers joined his on the metal, so close by that Blade suddenly felt hot from the proximity. “Do you remember?” Jing Yuan said. “You named it-”
“Starfall Reverie.” Blade's mind may be hazy, but his body remembered it all. His hands, so proud of their greatest creation, but longing for the art of forging all the same. Now he himself became what he once had found so much passion in creating.
At his words, he observed Jing Yuan's fingers still their movements. Blade, much to his own confusion, stopped as well. The general's expression was unreadable to him once more, and Blade thought he was about to stand up and leave the criminal.
Perhaps that would be for the best. Forever stuck in the past, echoes of the times gone by forever blocking his senses, revealing the mara-struck abomination that Blade truly was. Jing Yuan needed not to follow him in the painful path of reminiscence, for once you get lost within it, there is no way of returning.
Yet he did. “When… you gave this to me, it almost seemed as if you didn’t wish to part with the glaive,” Jing Yuan chuckled. “But now it is I who is unable to ever put down Starfall Reverie.” He picked up the weapon, with the pointy end facing the sky. The way the metal glinted as the general twisted the handle made Blade's breath catch in his throat.
Despite himself, Blade reached out, his gloved hand covering Jing Yuan's on the handle. “I'd understand why.” His body had moved on auto-pilot, almost as if his mind had completely shut off and he was now being controlled by nothing but the memories this body had acquired many years ago. A nostalgic feeling twisted angrily at the bottom of his stomach.
Through his peripheral vision, Blade noticed Jing Yuan’s figure stiffening at his touch. Now coming back to his senses, he dropped his hand off the handle as if it were scolding hot. Blade then got onto his feet, some of the loose bandages swaying in the air due to the breeze.
He turned away from the view of the roots of the Ambrosial Arbor, and headed towards the statue of the sinner as if nothing had happened. As if he wasn’t leaving the general of the Luofu to sit alone on the steps of a sacred place, now tarnished with unforgivable misdeeds. As if he didn’t force Jing Yuan to reawaken unwanted memories. As if the man he was now walking away from hadn’t made him enter such a state of serene calmness.
“Treasure it well, Jing Yuan,” Blade uttered blankly.
With how Elio’s script had been going so far, chances were that he would no longer return to the Xianzhou Alliance any time soon, much less the Luofu. Blade decided that he didn’t quite mind. He got all he wanted, after all. Except for eternal death, but he still treasured that one brief moment Jingliu bestowed upon him nonetheless.
There was nothing left for him here, and the Xianzhou Luofu didn't need a criminal walking on their grounds. It was time to return, time to leave the little that was left of Yingxing behind, and fully become Blade.
He stepped around the old statue, not sparing the face of it a single glance. The past must stay in the past. Although no matter how many times he repeated that to himself, Blade knew deep down that it was a pitiful, futile attempt to reason with himself, to justify leaving, to ignore the ache of his heart.
Warmth spread across his cold right hand as firm fingers suddenly wrapped around it. Blade stopped right in his tracks, alarmed. His first instinct was to grab his wretched sword, but his injured left hand was always slower than his right, the one that was now immoble. However when Blade looked back, his left hand stilled at the sight of a disheveled Jing Yuan.
His eyes were blown so wide that Blade could barely see the beautiful gold anymore. The man’s breathing was labored, as if he just fought the fiercest battle of his life. Blade felt his heart beat furiously in his chest at the sight. “Jing Yuan-”
“Why did you ask Jingliu to do it?” he cut him off with a strained voice, expression almost pained.
Blade was silent, yet everything felt too loud. All he could hear was his damn heartbeat and Jing Yuan’s heavy breathing, drowning his ears. It didn’t help him understand Jing Yuan’s words.
“What?” was all he could muster out.
Both of JIng Yuan’s hands were holding weapons; one was gripping Blade’s own hand, and the other still had Starfall Reverie. Blade’s eyes drifted over to it, taking notice of the general’s white knuckles around the handle of the glaive. He heard Jing Yuan exhale, and cast his gaze upon the man again.
“Why was Jingliu the one you challenged, and not me?” Jing Yuan asked, almost desperately. “Why couldn’t you fight me instead?”
Blade blinked, and now everything felt too quiet all of the sudden. He could never truly understand Jing Yuan. His voice almost seemed to be laced with hurt, something he never expected of the general.
“Jingliu’s sword was the one who pierced this cursed body over and over, several hundred years ago,” Blade murmured. “I knew she could grant me death, even if it was incredibly short.”
Jing Yuan let his gloved hand go, and it went limp by Blade’s side, now getting cold again without the warm touch. He appeared to be calmer now, but his eyes were still distressed.
“Do you think I couldn’t do it as well?” They made eye contact, and Blade’s body was screaming at him to walk away, to leave the past behind just like he promised.
“Jing Yuan,” he started, swallowing. “You can’t even address me by my name,” he let out the sentiment that had been gnawing at the back of his mind ever since he first met Jing Yuan.
He saw golden eyes droop, the man’s expression falling. It was nothing dramatic or noticeable, but something that Blade’s keen eyes managed to note before Jing Yuan became unreadable to him once more, escaping from within his grasp of understanding.
The general raised his head up straight. Perhaps it was an action meant to show strength, but in Blade’s eyes, it simply looked like a pitiful attempt of keeping it together.
He decided to take mercy on the man, and broke the silence first. “You have accepted Imbibitor Lunae’s reincarnation,” Blade began, feeling distaste at the mention of that name. “And you call him by the name that he prefers.” He noticed Jing Yuan slightly wince. “Why can’t the same be applied to me?” He was basically ranting, and he knew it. A part of him didn’t want to hear Jing Yuan’s answer, so he tried desperately to not let the man talk.
Yet he was foolish enough to let the question slip. It was inevitable that the answer would come. Since that’s how Jing Yuan was, honorable and fair; if a question came along his way, he would be sure to answer.
“Because it’s you , Yingxing.”
Blade never knew much about himself, but that was simply due to the fact that he rejected who he was. In his mind, there was no point to learn, to accept the past, when he only lived with the goal of death, when he was no actual person, just a weapon. His only hopes were that one day he would be used until he was deemed useless, until Blade would shatter into a million pieces, left to float in the endless galaxy.
He had come here with the intention of having his only wish granted by an acquaintance that he had had when he was still alive, still a person with a purpose. Though he may forever try, Blade couldn’t continue undermining the memories of the past forever. Overtaken by reminiscence, he had allowed himself to stay in a place of such familiarity for a few moments longer.
Perhaps his own painful memories clogged his mind, and didn’t allow Blade to see how Jing Yuan himself was drowning in the regrets of the past. Nevertheless, he wasn’t completely blinded. Blade saw the long gazes, the frowns, the winces and the dejected eyes that adorned the man’s face more often than not when Blade was in his presence. The general couldn’t be the one to put Blade out of his misery. Not when he was still stuck in the past alongside Yingxing, while the mortal was no longer and Blade only looked into the future.
But why is it that Jing Yuan’s words hurt his heart more than Jingliu’s sword piercing through it?
Blade’s hands trembled, and he tried his best to keep his head up. If he wanted to convince himself that he didn’t care for the past, then he best act like it.
“He is dead, and you know it, general.”
Jing Yuan’s eyebrows knitted together. It almost seemed as if he glared at Blade.
“Yingxing, please, ” he voiced out, strained and sorrowful. Jing Yuan laid Starfall Reverie to rest at his side, and reached out to grab him by the shoulders. “I know you’re not the same, I am not a fool-”
“One could argue with that,” he interrupted.
The general’s grip lightened. “Listen to me.” He exhaled slowly. “You may no longer be who you were seven hundred years ago, but none of us are,” Jing Yuan muttered. “Including me.”
He could only gawk at the man in front of him in response. He called Jing Yuan a fool, yet he was the one who was just foolishly staring. Quite the hypocrite he was.
Yet it seemed as though Jing Yuan was content with that. His eyes softened beautifully, and the other was left gazing at the warmest gold orbs.
“I should cut you up for touching me,” he uttered calmly.
Jing Yuan offered him an amused smile. “Do you think violence will resolve your anger?”
Blade blinked. That was definitely not the response he had expected.
“I am aware that the mara makes you quite irritated,” he continued. “But I can help you resolve that frustration.”
As much as he’d like to refute Jing Yuan’s claim, to reject him upfront, he knew the man was right. After all, his mind had never been as clear as it was when conversing with the general. In a way, it felt like the man put some sort of spell on him.
“You’re a wicked man, Jing Yuan,” he voiced out the thought he had before. “I’m an intergalactic criminal with an eight billion credit bounty on my head.”
The general finally let go of his grip, and Blade found himself missing that comfort. “So what? Do you think I’ll sell you to the IPC for such minor scraps?” he chuckled, taking a few steps towards the statue of the High Elder.
Blade gaped at him for a moment. “Are you calling eight billion scraps?” he questioned, following the man with his eyes.
Jing Yuan looked back at him with a smirk. The sun framed his figure, granting Jing Yuan a resplendent halo, which Blade couldn’t help but find fitting for such a warm man.
The general turned around fully, facing him from a distance of a few feet with his arms folded behind his back. Blade stood in the shadow, but if he wanted to, he could easily take those few more steps and join Jing Yuan within the beams of the radiant sunlight.
“Would you care to join me for a cup of tea, gege?”
The sun must’ve reached out to him itself because Blade now felt incredibly warm in his skin. He could feel his neck turning red from the name. It was incredibly embarrassing, and he decided he should get back at the bastard for it.
“Only if you’re treating,” he uttered, and strode towards Jing Yuan.
The other simply laughed, falling in step with him walking towards the shore.
He still didn’t know who he was. Blade? Yingxing? Abomination? Short-life species? Weapon? The Furnace Master? He had no clue, but he knew one thing.
The past may not sting as much when Jing Yuan was there to share the pain with him.