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Jūshirō Ukitake was dying.
When Nanao had first been told the news her entire world had com to a halt. All of the pieces of the puzzle seemed to fall into place at once. She hadn’t seen nor heard from her captain all day, but of course he’d be with Ukitake at such a time. He probably hadn’t given any thought to trying to contact the division because he knew that she would take care of it. She was the only one left in the office, the working day had ended just under an hour ago but she’d wanted to finish what she’d been working on. She didn’t even think to put away what she’d been working on and she was at the Fourth division in one flash step.
The waiting area of the division was full of people. It looked like the entire Thirteenth division was there, as well as an assortment of other captain, vice captains, and others. She paid them little heed as she pushed through the crowd to get to the desk.
By pure change the first member of the division that she ran into was Isane, who took one look at her before grabbing Nanao by the wrist and dragging her through the halls to the room where she could sense her captain’s spiritual pressure,
She tried not to let the shock show on her face when she saw Captain Ukitake. She'd spent many nights besides her captain at Ukitake's bedside but she'd never seen him look that bad. The bags his eyes were deep and his skin was drawn sharply over the bones of his face. His skin was nearly translucent and his hair seemed to have thinned out over night. His eyes were closed and Nanao could hear him wheezing from across the room, his breathing sparse and irregular. Nanao had take some advanced medical classes at the Academy, but the slow beeping of the monitor he was hooked up to told her all she needed to know about the status of his heart.
Wordlessly she knelt down beside her captain, who hadn't acknowledged her presence other than simply flicking his eyes to her when she's first entered the room. She opened her mouth to say something but closed it after a moment when she realized there was nothing she could say.
They sat in silence for a few minutes listening to the ominous beeping of the vital signs machine and the sounds of Ukitake's ragged breathing. Before Nano even realized that her captain had moved, he'd taken her hand and was leading her silently out into the hall.
Nanao smothered a gasp when she got her first good glimpse at her captain. He didn't look as bad as Ukitake but he was suffering right along with his best friend.
"He's dying Nanao." He said bluntly. There was no discernable emotion in his voice.
She said nothing, but instead took one of his large hands between hers and held it firmly. There was nothing she could say to ease his pain. Her heart ached for both of them, they were inseparable in the minds of most of the Gotei 13. The thought of losing one of them was an indescribable loss, but to have the other survive and go on alone was worse.
She hadn't noticed the tears until he brought his free hand to her cheek and delicately brushed it away.
"We should go back in... I think it's almost time." His voice was hoarse, barely more than a whisper in the silent hall.
Suddenly he looked at her, and the desperate look in his eyes terrified her. "You'll stay Nanao-chan? Ukitake would like that, he's very fond of you."
There was no way she could refuse him, even if she didn't feel as if she completely belonged at Ukitake's deathbed. She wouldn’t realize the truth until later on, that the real reason that captain Kyōraku had been so desperate to have her there was for him and not Ukitake.
Back inside the room Nanao instinctively took a hold of one of Ukitake’s hands; his skin was so cold that if she hadn’t known otherwise, she would have assumed he had died while they were in the hall. Her thumbs stroked over his knuckles, and at one point she could have sworn that he squeezed her hand lightly, but she doubted he possessed the strength to have done so.
She couldn’t see her captain’s face as they sat at the bedside for what seemed like hours. As time dragged on Nanao found it hard for her to breathe at times, as the reality of what was happening began to sink in and she realized the injustice of it all. Ukitake was a kind and strong man, his sense of justice was nearly unparalleled, and his generosity was legendary. Nanao felt rage begin to bubble up inside her, not only for Ukitake’s sake but for her captain as well. It was hard to predict how the captain was going to react, but Nanao knew that it was not going to be good. It was going to be long, and painful, and her heart was going to break along with his over and over again as they tried to adjust to a new normal that would always just be a little bit worse.
Nanao picked up on the panic and terror that was evident through Ukitake’s spirit pressure (he was too weak to shield it) before the monitor began to beep incessantly as Ukitake’s heart rate sped up. Before she had to chance to call out for anyone, her captain had leaned over his oldest friend, his mouth close to Ukitake’s ear and his mouth moving quickly, although Nanao could not hear the words. Ukitake’s breaths were ragged and painful, but shallow at the same time, and even as his chest heaved Nanao could tell that he wasn’t pulling in enough oxygen. She clutched to Ukitake’s hand and tried to send as much calm and peace as she could to him, even as her captain continued to speak words, of what Nanao could only guess were reassurance, into his ear.
In a way that caused Nanao’s heart to shatter, she watched Ukitake’s chest heave one last time, before he exhaled on a sigh, and the hand that Nanao had held onto for hours went limp in her grasp.
The world seemed to fall away to a dull roar in Nanao’s ears, and the next thing she knew was that she was in captain Kyōraku’s arms in another part of the Fourth division. They were sitting against the wall in an empty room. His grip on her was so tight she knew she’d have bruises later on, and yet she welcomed the pain; likely because her hold on him was just as tight. His head was buried in the crook of her neck, and she could feel his breath again her skin. They sat there forever, neither saying a word nor moving a muscle.
And then, they did move. Or rather, her captain moved, and stood, and set her down on her feet, although, he did not release her hand just yet. She watched him take a deep breath in, his chest expanding completely, and exhale slowly. His chin rose, and she knew that it was time to step out of the sanctuary that had created for themselves to avoid reality.
A reality that would forever be, just a little bit worse.