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“Dash, fer the last time—”
“C’mon, AJ, we need this!” Rainbow waves the box of false idols around to punctuate every word. “What are we gonna eat when you’re too wiped to cook and all the takeout places are closed?”
Applejack feels a migraine coming on. “Neither of those things ever happen,”
“But they might. And when they do, we’ll need something quick,” she brandishes the Hot Pockets, grinning.
Applejack yanks them out of her hands, ignoring the resulting hey! “These here hot cheese monstrosities are only good fer givin’ folks the runs,”
Rainbow scoffs. “That’s only if you eat them stupid,”
“An’ how d’ya reckon we eat them smart?”
“Easy,” Rainbow lifts her chin, taking on levels of smugness dangerous for human health. “You have ‘em with hash browns.”
“…Tell me this ain’t how you ate when y’all were livin’ alone.”
“Uh, it totally was! And I turned out awesome,” Rainbow turns a winning smile on her girlfriend, who’s busy sorting through high-blood pressure symptoms in her head.
Applejack’s expression is coloured by some degree of amazement. “How are y’all not dead?”
“Ok, so I’m not like, the healthiest eater ever—”
“Ya don’t say?”
“But it’s not like you’re any better, Miss If-It’s-Not-Apples-I-Don’t-Want-it,”
Applejack blinks. “Wh— that’s not even— I eat things other than apples!”
“Oh yeah?” Rainbow does a pisspoor job of keeping her impending laugh out her voice. “Name them.”
“Y’all want me to name every non-apple food?”
“In order!”
“That’s— y’know what? Fine.” Applejack starts counting off fingers. “Steak, gumbo, fried rice, pie—”
“Strike one,”
“What?! Pies ain’t always apple!”
Rainbow is holding back a laugh like her mortal life depends on it. “It’s, it’s apple adjacent.“
I feel a migraine coming on. Applejack can picture the little pill bottle that sits in the kitchen cupboard like it’s already in her grasp. “You’re kiddin’,”
“Dead serious,” the snicker she lets out says differently. “A-hem. Go on! Non-apple-adjacent foods!”
The ridiculousness of all this is not lost on Applejack— standing in the middle of the frozen foods aisle at 7:00 in the morning, arguing her innocence in the case of eating foods that are entirely removed from her namesake— and yet, now that the competition’s started, she can’t just call it quits. Especially when Rainbow’s looking this smug about it!
So, instead of disengaging, Applejack steers her thoughts towards all the meals she’s eaten in her two decades on this earth.
“…Lasagna,”
Rainbow bursts out laughing.
“An’ what’s so funny, ya varmint?” Applejack chooses to ignore the instinctual uptick of her own lips.
“It’s…you…lasagna…” Rainbow reaches for Applejack to steady herself, managing to eke out a few words between giggles.
“Laugh it up, sugar. I’m takin’ this as a win.”
“Yeah, you…you do that, AJ.” Rainbow gets her voice under control, wearing a shit-eating grin.
“An’ we’re still not gettin’ those godforsaken hot pockets!”
“Fine by me. Y’know, I was thinking of trying something different, anyway,”
There’s a pulse of dread in Applejack’s stomach. “Dash,”
“Ever heard of instant lasagna?”