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Mercutio was nervous. He couldn‘t remember a time that he had been more tense. Two days ago, during the masquerade his nerves had lain rather bare, playing the guessing game of who was fooling who. And yet, he was more nervous now. Tybalt knew who he was meeting up with. This time Mercutio was not going to fool him. Tybalt hopefully knew with what intentions Mercutio was now going to meet up with him. There was barely any reason to have sweaty hands, a shiver running through his neck, and a voice telling him that all of this was a bad idea.
In a way, it had all been a long series of bad ideas that so far resulted in much better things than Mercutio had imagined. This is why he was doing it. It was likely also the reason why he was this tense. He wanted to meet the Tybalt that he had met that evening. He wanted to meet the Tybalt, who disappeared behind a mask again as Mercutio’s mask had come off. He really just wanted Tybalt to take a chance on him. The Capulet had appeared more receptive than Mercutio had expected. That this meeting, this second chance, was even going to happen, was a huge difference to the punch – likely multiple punches – Mercutio had expected to receive as payback for playing pretend that evening.
Was Tybalt going to keep his word? Mercutio certainly hoped so. Tybalt had asked for it after all. He held his clammy hands together to keep them from shaking while walking the path towards the forest. What if Tybalt was going to use this to ridicule him in front of others or hurt him? Mercutio hoped he knew Tybalt well enough now to know that this was not going to happen, but he truly could not tell for sure. He knew that he was going to persevere and bounce back from any humiliation and most physical hurt. But he had trust. Generally. He only hoped that Tybalt could find that same trust within himself to extend towards him in an equal exchange.
He did miss the time two days ago when he could just dress up like a woman and jump over a wall without much thought or concern about it. He missed the dance. He missed the kind Tybalt. He missed the way Tybalt talked to him before the mask came off. He even missed the kiss. He had not expected it. He had taken it when it was offered. To his own surprise, he liked it. He could barely close his eyes not thinking about it, about everything. He has had two rather restless nights waiting for this day to come.
They crossed paths the prior evening. Tybalt had given Mercutio’s friends a sneer but had entirely averted looking at Mercutio. It had been as if an ice-cold, small needle had been struck into his heart. It was bearable but an overtly unpleasant feeling. He hated the idea that Tybalt did not even want to look at him anymore. Mercutio had considered them rivals before. They existed to tease each other, to keep each other quick on their feet. It had been fun to him, most of the time. If he now lost this as well, while having gained nothing else, Mercutio felt like he was going to miss an important part of his life.
Advancing towards the ever-closer growing treeline of the forest, Mercutio turned around to check for anyone that might have followed him, or just incidentally took the same path. He did not want Tybalt to think that he had just thrown out this one chance he had been given.
No soul that he could see was around him when he reached the edge of the forest. Mercutio tried to look around to see where Tybalt might be. His instructions sounded quite as if he was going to be at the spot first. It was actually a crucial point. If not, Mercutio would have to turn around again, to not be the first one present.
He walked a bit up and down the treeline, trying to see if Tybalt was maybe hiding behind the trees a little further down. His heart beat heavily. While it was not overly fast, Mercutio was so extremely aware of every single beat. It felt as if his heart was knocking against his ribs with every beat.
Then his heart suddenly stopped as a cloaked figure emerged from the shadows of the trees. The hood of the cloak was so low that the face underneath was not perceivable. But a familiar voice very quickly spoke, “I did not have much faith in you, but here you are.” Tybalt’s hands went to his hood, not taking it off, but adjusting it in a way that Mercutio could at least see his face. The Capulet wore a very slight smile that seemed not entirely forced.
“I am also happy to see you again,” Mercutio responded. The nerves were still keeping him tense, but he tried to seem as easy-going as always. “And here I was, almost thinking that you stood me up.”
“Maybe I should have.” Tybalt’s voice sounded a bit gruff. Mercutio was pretty sure that Tybalt made it sound that way intentionally. “At least, if you had not shown up, I would have had my needed confirmation about your character. Now I actually need to give you a chance. You made it more difficult.”
Then Tybalt started to walk off into the forest without waiting for any response.
Mercutio, perplexed, followed him.
They were simply going further into the forest with no apparent destination. Tybalt did not say anything about what he had planned. Just after some minutes of stalking through the forest, Mercutio behind Tybalt, the Capulet spoke quietly. It required a good deal of concentration to listen to it. “You know I am angry at you.”
Mercutio knew that Tybalt seemingly preferred him when he did not speak, but non-verbal cues were rather difficult when one’s conversation partner was not looking. “Yes, I know. And yet you don’t seem very angry.” Mercutio had seen him truly angry before. This was not it. Tybalt was entirely too quiet for that. He was not threatening Mercutio. He did not seem angry.
“I probably don’t. You made it too complicated. I am angry. I am. And I hate you.” Tybalt stopped in his tracks. He did not face Mercutio. “I wish you weren’t here. I wish you just disappeared.” Mercutio could hear him breathe heavily, but he did not dare to come closer or touch him, remembering the last time he tried to comfort Tybalt. He just stood there, a few steps away, and listened. The Capulet continued, “You know, that night, that lady. I never fell for someone this quickly before. It felt unreal. I hadn’t even seen her face, I hadn’t heard her voice. But I felt comfortable next to her.” Tybalt’s tone seemed to shift to one that combined bitterness and sadness, as far as Mercutio could tell. Not seeing his face made guessing his emotions rather difficult though. “I- I felt understood for once.” The voice break made Mercutio’s heart feel heavy. “I cherished every second. I did not want to let her disappear into nowhere, never to be seen again. And then she disappeared as you stood in her place.”
Mercutio mouthed the words “I’m sorry” but did not speak them out loud.
“And the worst part is, she is still there.” Tybalt finally turned around, his face unreadable. He gestured at Mercutio. “Here. And even worse, while I was shocked, seeing your face where I expected another’s was a fear put in flesh. I wished to not see you. I hoped my mind had not put your face on someone I genuinely liked. I did not want to face you. And I still don’t want to.” Indeed, Tybalt was not looking at him directly. Down to the ground, off to the side, not right at his face. “I don’t trust you. You have done too much for me to trust you. But you listened. You seemed to care. I hate you. I wish you weren’t here. But I also don’t wish you were gone or anywhere else. You made everything too complicated.”
Mercutio was not sure how to feel. He felt bad for Tybalt. He was moved by some of those words. He was not sure if he wanted things to return back to how they used to be, or if he wanted them to take this experience and move on to a new chapter of this complicated relationship they had.
“How can I help you?” Mercutio asked.
“I wish I could tell you. I am not sure what I even want. Nor do I know if I want your help with it.” Tybalt briefly looked up. His eyes looked like they were at least partially filled with hurt. It was impossible to tell whether it was entirely inflicted by Mercutio, possibly self-inflicted, or coming from somewhere else. “How do you feel about all of this?” Tybalt asked.
“I am not entirely sure either. I know that I don’t want you to disappear. And I don’t think I can say that I hate you. I even liked to have our normal arguments and fights. I thought they were fun. And now I want to get to know this other Tybalt. This Tybalt, who was so kind. And I don’t want to tease you or toy with you. You said you had fallen for me that evening. You were pursuing the woman you thought you saw, and yet, you were still so respectful and attentive. I did not say a word and yet you did your best to look out for my every need and made sure to not cross any boundaries. You were caring and lovely. Despite knowing who you were the entire time, despite my better knowledge, my heart was slowly melting the more time I spent with you. There was a reason I agreed to the kiss and it was not to mess with you. I simply wanted it. I felt bad and selfish to do this to you. I thought you were going to punch me right on the spot. But I decided to take what I wanted that very moment. And I am sorry. But I don’t regret it.”
Tybalt sighed. “That does not make things easier.”
He turned around and hit a tree with his fist. Mercutio looked at him in equal parts confused and concerned. Tybalt looked back at him. “It was you or the tree. And for once I don’t feel like punching you.” It was barely an explanation for this behavior.
“I thought I deserved a punch.” Mercutio pretended like he did not see anything weird about Tybalt probably hurting himself more than he hurt the tree.
“You probably do. But I don’t think I should be administrating the punishment.”
“Sooo… what now then? You asked me here to test the trust you could place in me and to get to know me better, to give me a chance to make you like me. What am I supposed to do?”
“Is that not for you to figure out? As you said, I gave you a chance. You still need to do the convincing.” Tybalt looked down on his hands which he had folded together and then up at Mercutio. “But honestly, you might have it easier than I had assumed two days ago. I did some thinking and it probably made things easier. But it still did not erase your past with me. You have been a pain in the ass, almost every time we have ever crossed paths. All you did, all you said, was seemingly following the goal of humiliating me in some way. Even if it was simply the humiliation of you having the last word.”
“I always assumed those fights were based on an equal footing. I thought it was a test of wit and strength in equal measure whenever we budded our heads. I always considered it more of a fun pastime than an actual conflict. Of course, we were always on opposing teams but you are not guilt-free of the things I have done either.”
“I guess there were moments that could have been considered fun, but more often than not, I did not think of it as such. Your words were just the top of a pile of comments, that were disregarding me, my opinions, my actions, my personhood. I am aware that you were by far not the biggest part of all of that. But I felt as if I was already limping and you used that moment to kick against my working leg’s shin.” The emotions that were pooling in Tybalt’s face were more intense than what Mercutio had ever seen there before. Tybalt looked desperate. Filled with sadness. But only for a moment. Tybalt turned around quickly, took a few deep breaths, and turned back again with his face completely to his command once again. Mercutio gave him that short time in silence.
Mercutio wanted to comfort him. To take those tears, of which he had now just seen the hints off, away from Tybalt. Or maybe he just wanted to be a place where Tybalt could feel safe to let it out for once. Still, the words “You always seemed so strong, so stern.” came over Mercutio’s lips. Softly, filled with empathy. But he still regretted them immediately.
“I have to!” This time, Mercutio could not directly make out any sadness in that handsome face in front of him, but he still saw the eyes wetten that instance. “I cannot be weak! I cannot let it show.”
An internal struggle became visible on the Capulet’s face.
Mercutio wanted to help. He stepped closer and moved his hand towards Tybalt. The Capulet followed the hand with his eyes. Mercutio stopped before touching, remembering the last time. “May I?” he asked, with a tiny smile that was brought up by a memory of a more pleasant time.
Tybalt stared at the hand and then gave a short nod.
Mercutio touched the Capulet’s upper arm and then went in for a full hug once again. He did not assume that it was going to magically fix things, but maybe, for this one moment, Tybalt could allow himself to not be strong.
Tybalt did not hug back, but Mercutio felt a bit of weight against him, as the other did lean into the hug.
“I know that this is probably not too helpful, coming from me, considering that most people probably think that I do not care what anyone thinks of me, but I do understand the desire to seem strong, to seem untouchable in front of most people. In fact, that is exactly why I make it seem like no comment can hurt me, that I am doing all of the ridiculous stuff already, so most people don’t even think of insulting me for it. I make them think that it is not bothering me in the first place. I am loud and obnoxious. And that is my armor. Yours rather seems to be of the variant of being the well-behaved one, respected by most, and yet scary enough that those that don’t respect you don’t dare to get too close. I will drink with my closest enemy, while you want yours to not even want to be in the same room with you.” Mercutio let go of Tybalt, who very quickly made it seem like he had just always carried his own weight. “But, it is important to let that armor drop occasionally when it’s safe. It is heavy and exhausting. It wears you down. It wears everyone down. Occasionally, one needs to be vulnerable. Weak, in a way. You need to have someone with whom you can be vulnerable. I am really not asking you to have that level of trust in me to make me one of those someones for you. But if you have that trust, I won’t betray it. Though, I am aware, I still need to earn it in the first place.”
Tybalt seemed to at least take in his words properly. Then he nodded thoughtfully as Mercutio finished. “You are right,” the Capulet said, “I don’t think I can trust you like that. I fear I cannot deny that something within me longs for your presence and touch – I would really like to deny it, or just not have it there – but it does not mean that I can just trust you. So far, you have shown me that you are keeping at least some words. But not only do we associate with different people but we also have severely different memories of our shared past. What you called your defense, which you also seemed to be a bit fond of, I have more often than not seen as an attack on my person. You were spared by your familiar connections and the publicity of your displays. I have been told – many times – that a display of violence is not a display of dignity. Your face, however pretty, or possibly even pleasantly handsome, it might look, still evokes an urge within me to just punch it to finally silence it, at least for a while.” Tybalt sighed, likely noticing this seemingly endless loop they had managed to get themselves in.
“Do you want to punch me?” Mercutio asked.
Tybalt shook his head slightly.
“No, I mean it. I give you the opportunity right now. We are alone, no one will hear about this, and maybe some of your old anger can be alleviated like this.”
“Are you serious?” Tybalt’s voice echoed disbelief. It was the sane reaction. It was understandable. Mercutio was full on aware that he sounded as if he had lost his mind.
“Yes. Though, preferably, not aiming at my nose or eyes. I need this beautiful face of mine still.” He grinned and looked at Tybalt, trying to find a reaction. The other man kept a stoic expression. One that Mercutio knew all too well. “You can also punch me against my arm or in the stomach, however hard you can and need to. Just beware that I might have to turn and relieve myself of my food, depending on where the blow lands.”
Tybalt shook his head. The disbelief had not left him. It actually seemed more pronounced actually. “I really can’t tell whether you are doing this to somehow ridicule me, if you actually completely lost your mind as I already assumed two days ago, or if you are just involving me in your perverse ways.”
Mercutio shrugged. “I don’t know either. I know I am not ridiculing you and don’t plan to. Not concerning this at the very least. I assume that you would not want anyone else to know about this meeting or anything that happened here and I will honor that with my silence. But who cares if it is one of the other two? If I’m mad, I have been for a long long time now. That doesn’t change anything about me. And even if it would go into sexual deviancy for me, you just punching me fair and square probably does not make you much more of an accomplice than that kiss you gave a woman, who turned out to be me, did.”
Tybalt did not respond to that.
“With which I mean, you are not suddenly being dragged down by me into the life of some deviant. But if my life is already that, at least it is decently fun. Trying to please everyone and following all the rules is not a life that I want to live. But now, I do want to please you a little. If you feel like it could help you, I am offering you this chance to punch me.”
“You are really strange.” Tybalt looked off further into the woods. Mercutio almost feared Tybalt was just going to run off like a wild animal that he had startled. But he stayed. He was just avoiding looking at Mercutio’s direction. “I already said it today. I don’t want to punch you. I do think it would be good if you learned what the consequences are eventually, the hard way if necessary. But I really don’t want to hurt you.”
“You are a bit confusing yourself, my dear Tybalt.” Mercutio felt like he had received very opposing messaging. Tybalt had said that he did not want to hurt him, then continued mentioning that he would like Mercutio to receive some physical punishment and now he was not taking that opportunity. Mercutio was not sure what was going on in that head of Tybalt. The one thing he did understand was that the Capulet was still very conflicted. Which, in Mercutio’s book, was better than outright resentment winning over any sort of fond feeling. It almost seemed like an improvement.
Tybalt did react to the address that Mercutio had used for him, but nothing more than a quickly gone surprised expression was really noticeable. “What do you mean by that? The fact that anything confuses you, who leads such a disorganized life is almost an achievement.”
Mercutio ignored the additional comment and focused on answering the question, “This whole ‘I think you should be punched but not by me’ and ‘I would love to punch you’ but ‘I don’t want to punch you’ is just rather confusing. Just not sure if you should hate or love me?”
For a second it looked like Mercutio had hit a very strained nerve. Tybalt looked simultaneously enraged and sad. He collected himself before answering. “I would not hesitate to hit the Mercutio I know. The problem is, that each time I look at you, I still see a bit of her. You have her locks. You have her wonderful eyes. I would never hurt her. And yet, I know that she was never real. I know it was always you. But this memory of an evening that should have never been does not leave me. The kiss, which you so nonchalantly mention, haunts me in my sleep. And the worst part is that it prefers to appear in the dreams instead of the nightmares.”
Mercutio was not sure how to respond. He suddenly noticed, painfully, that his heart had been slightly aching for a while, which had now piled up. It was not the kind of feeling that had him concerned that he was going to fall over dead on the spot. It was simply that heavy feeling in his chest. His heart likely felt as conflicted as Tybalt was. Mercutio was not sure what won currently. It was the feeling of being close to this new Tybalt, who was occasionally showing himself, the hope that arose with the prospect of a second chance, the feelings that were still developing inside of him. And then there was the feeling of hopelessness. He was unsure if this would ever reach any productive outcome. He felt sorry for causing all those difficulties for Tybalt. He was conflicted on whether his heart was heavy, filled with the warm fuzzy feelings that he felt during their dance, or if it was simply guilt and fear that was weighing it down.
“It’s fine. You don’t need to hit me, her, whoever you are currently imagining standing here with you. I would even – and please don’t think I mean this as just some sort of joke – put on that dress again, put on the mask and stay silent, so you can pretend it is someone else who is with you if you wanted me to. But last time you were rather explicit on that not being your wish. I would also rather that you would appreciate me for myself, but if it were the only way for us to be anything beyond two men who could accept the other’s presence in passing, I would do it.” Mercutio kept his voice leveled ans serious. It would have been a good opportunity for a joke, but even he did see it as inappropriate at this very moment. He did want to show that he could be a bit different than what Tybalt was used to.
“And I still stand by my decision. Please don’t do that anymore. I don’t think I am able to keep you from dressing up however you want, but I am telling you that I prefer your authentic self over one that pretends.” Tybalt answered quite firmly. Mercutio was mostly relieved that the Capulet did not accuse him of not taking all of this seriously.
“Are you sure you can even handle my authentic self?” Mercutio asked a bit more light-hearted.
“Oh, believe me, I can. I have been dealing with it on a semi-regular basis since we were still boys.”
Mercutio cocked his head to the side and put on his signature smile. “Are you sure about that?”
“Are you telling me that I hallucinated having to deal with you and your ‘brilliant’ ideas repeatedly for years?” Luckily Tybalt seemed not entirely offended, despite his words. Mercutio felt like he had to walk a rope now though, because Tybalt also did not seem as light-hearted as Mercutio would have hoped either. It had been a tall gamble anyway. Now he just had to make sure that the Capulet was not actually getting angered or offended by his words.
Yet, Mercutio did not change barely anything about the words he had wanted to say. He still thought they conveyed quite fittingly what he wanted to say, “What I mean is, if you are sure that you had to deal with my authentic self? Aren’t we all just wearing some kind of mask at all times to hide who we are and present ourselves the way that we want to be perceived?”
Tybalt sighed. “Have you suddenly become Mercutio, the Great Philosopher? Yes, of course, we don’t show everything to everyone. That would just be disruptive. But we don’t hide our whole being. That is simply not feasible. Especially around people who have known you so well ever since you were a mere baby.”
Mercutio sighed dramatically and cast his eyes to the ground. “You are right. I am living a very complicated and at the same time skillful life.”
A louder sigh could be heard from Tybalt. He had now put his hand to his forehead, covering half his face. “Just cut that out. You might be clever, but not so clever that you fooled an entire city for most of your life. I think there can be many parts of you that are rather unfamiliar to me, but all you like to present to me are those aspects of yourself that I am already rather familiar with.”
Mercutio flipped his wrist as if to dismiss that thought of Tybalt. “Well, if you think so.” Tybalt was right. He was not such a crazy genius to pretend his entire life to be someone else than he was. In fact, he did prefer to live his life in a way that let him not care about many restrictions that the outside would place upon him. He wanted to live his life as authentically as he could. But that did not mean that he did not occasionally play a little bit of pretend or that he did not play some parts of his self a bit down and others up in specific situations. Like, whenever he had talked to Tybalt, he had liked to pronounce both his dramatic side and his competitive side a bit more than he usually did among his friends. Everything was still there, it was just his choice of what to highlight. He could guide other’s perceptions to those parts that he wanted to be perceived. Mercutio had much less talent in completely hiding parts of himself. He was always himself in one way or the other.
“Mercutio,” Tybalt suddenly sounded so stern that Mercutio almost feared he was going to get a scolding. “Do you want me to like you or not? Because you are making it rather difficult to figure that out.”
Ah, yes, this was the effect he had on people. Or at least the one he had on Tybalt. There were enough other people who enjoyed this flippant, easygoing side of him. Tybalt had never been one of those people. Yet, Mercutio was almost too used to acting like this even more around him, mostly to annoy him. His mind had seemingly gone into auto-pilot and had forgotten his actual goal. “Yes! Yes. I do want you to like me more. If that is possible. I can be rather agreeable with you too. But I will always be a little bit of that which you don’t particularly like.”
Tybalt shrugged. He looked at Mercutio with a hint of sheepishness. “I think I can live with that. As long as you turn it a little bit down and maybe show those parts of you that you claim are a bit more pleasant. I think I would like to get to know them.” The Capulet’s tone had shifted to something that was close to as gentle as Mercutio had ever heard him.
“You seemed rather uncertain about all of this. Why your change of mind?” Mercutio wanted to kick himself right after he said it. It was not as if he did not like this change. He welcomed it. It was what he wanted, after all. He wanted to be closer to Tybalt and he wanted Tybalt to feel similar about him. Why was he questioning it? Why was he giving Tybalt a chance to question it himself? Was it not better to just take what Tybalt said and be happy about it?
No. Mercutio did not just want to take Tybalt’s words like this because he wanted to know that the Capulet was certain about them. He did not just want any flimsy dedication. He wanted a real thing. He wanted Tybalt to be truly aware of what he was saying. He wanted to be sure that Tybalt meant those things he said.
Mercutio did regret his question though as Tybalt’s voice, hardened once again, spoke up, “As you might have seen, and heard me saying if you listened to the things I said; I am increadibly conflicted currently. But I know, no matter what, it will not be possible to go back to how I thought of you earlier. Even if we were to treat each other as if all of this did not happen, my thoughts would not let me forget and likely drive me crazy at some point. Therefore I am playing with the fire, that is you and gamble that you actually mean those things you said to me. I do not trust you yet. Not really at least. I still doubt any single word you say to me. You could be here, begging on your knees and I would still consider the possibility that you would turn that situation around somehow so that I am the humiliated one at the end. But I know what my heart asks me to do. And that is to give you,” half under his breath he muttered, “us,” to then speak firmly again, “ a chance. It is my goodwill and selfishness alike.”
“So,” Mercutio tried to formulate words. His heart felt warm and heavy, though not in a bad way. “Are you saying we should meet again?”
Tybalt nodded. “That’s what I’m suggesting. Next week? Same place? Same conditions?”
Mercutio enthusiastically nodded.
Tybalt smiled lightly.