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Brazil, 2012
What did I just hear? Mark hooked up with a girl, and now she is pregnant with Mark’s child. What great news to return to after a podium finish, especially at the season's last race.
“Mark, it’s not funny!” I laughed.
But Mark is not laughing. Is he serious now? He looked down at his feet, “It is the truth, Nano. I am so sorry. It happened after Silverstone, I was very drunk, and in the morning I knew that it happened.”
Ah, the one where he celebrated his win with me on the podium. At night, he did not return home. Weeks after that, we had dinner in Hungary to celebrate my birthday. That second, my emotions started to build up, “How could you do this to me?” It doesn’t feel like this is real. It doesn't feel like it, and this shouldn't be happening.
He loves me. Right? He said that he only loves me.
“I can explain–
And there it is, the tears say hello to my cheeks, “How could you do this to me, Mark? Why can I just punch you because you’re knocking someone up, and now she’s having your child?”
My chest feels so tense. It feels like the oxygen is not available for me to breathe and I feel like I could burst anytime soon. “Fer, I am sor–
“STOP WITH THE SORRY MARK!” I screamed out of my lungs with all the oxygen left in me. The world is spinning, but why do they spin like this? Haven’t they done enough spinning with everything happening with me and Ferrari? Now they bring Mark to spin all of the shit?
“Mark, you don’t have to knock someone up to leave me. You can say that you are done with me, end all of the things, and I don’t know. Maybe go out with the girl, and have a beautiful family,” I said to his face.
He took my hand and placed it between his hands, “Please hear me first. I only love you, and I will never leave you. What happened with me and that girl is only an accident, you and I can still be together, I can send them some money for the child–
“AND MAKE YOUR CHILD GROW UP WITHOUT A FATHER? WHAT AM I? A DEMON?” I yanked my hand from his grasp.
I shake my head, “I am already a villain in the industry, Mark. I don’t want to be another villain, especially in your child’s life.”
The room felt empty after that.
Monaco, 2013
After the Monaco race, he came back to pick up his things from our apartment here. The reason he wasn't able to come here was because of me. I could not see him for months, and I didn't come back here and only went back-to-back to Italy and Spain.
He had a good race today, while I didn’t. But at least I came out alive. We haven’t been in the same room that was only filled by us, and now somehow, he moves around here again. It feels like home, but it will collapse in a few minutes.
“Hey, Mark,” I called him from the living room corner. He looked at me, “Yes?”
Feel the air leave the room and change into awkwardness, “I haven’t said congrats on the birth of your child. So, congratulations.”
“You are late for a month, Fer. But thanks, mate,” he replied with a grin on his face. He does look happy and fulfilled.
I have seen his baby, a boy, in pictures. Sebastian sends it to me sometimes, which I don’t know if it’s one of his mind games so I will be crazy and mess up this season, or if he’s genuinely looking out for me.
He busies himself to pick all of his things and probably says goodbye to some of the furniture that we bought together. I don’t want to know, and as I saw him collecting things up, the time has come to an end.
“I am so sorry that we ended it like this,” he said like he didn’t feel anything about the mess. But I smiled and blinked all the tears, “I hope she treats you well, Mark.”
We hugged, and he left the apartment with his things, the apartment we bought together, the apartment we dreamed about, but now he is not here anymore.
“What’s the point of this if he is not here?” I told that to myself, looking at the door where he left me. Alone.
2014
Mark left Formula 1 last year. I wasn’t doing any better, still struggling for the championship battle with Sebastian. Only this time, I’m down in P6. Guess this is the time to leave Maranello.
“I’m not going to Ferrari with you,” said Mark on the podium to me after Silverstone 2012.
That day, he did go out somewhere without me and met a woman behind my back. Now they have a little family. What a joke.
2015
The UK feels cold, but it is my new home after I left Maranello. Leaving Ferrari for McLaren, I don’t know what’s going on inside my head at that moment. Nothing is left for me there, but I hope all of those years are not wasted in vain.
Here in Woking, a much more modern small city. The McLaren headquarters looks like something from the future, not like the Maranello’s that looks like something back from the 60s.
“Fernando, mate! How are you feeling today? Ready for the simulator?” The sound came from behind.
Jenson. Jenson Button, my new teammate. A close friend of Mark. He stands quite lanky, but not as much as Mark. He has a better posture than Mark. And he smiles like a golden retriever.
“I am good, and of course, I am ready. How about you?” I asked him while grabbing my bag from the chair beside me.
He smiles again at me. “Absolutely! I am eager to know how fast this car is, I hope so.” And we walked through all the halls to go to the simulator, and while doing that, he put his hand on my shoulder.
Like Mark.
-
“Have you seen Osc– oh, hey there, boy!”
Mark with his smile and wearing his white race suit, and me with Oscar. His boy. Light brown hair, with some freckles, brilliant boy for a 2-year-old.
Why am I here? Don’t ask, but somehow we both mend our broken relationship as friends. But I still hate him.
“Dad! ‘Range car!” Oscar showed the orange McLaren car toy that I gave him earlier to his dad. Now, I am currently at one of Mark’s endurance races, babysitting his child on my lap.
My races? I don’t know, I don’t care, to be honest. The car is as slow as the GP2 engine.
Mark lifted Oscar from my lap, “McLaren? I thought you would support me? You're a little traitor,” and Mark tickled his son until Oscar laughed out loud. They look so cute together, like father and son. But they are.
“Eum, congratulations on today’s race, Mark,” I said as I got up from my chair.
Mark and Oscar looked at me at the same time. Dios , they are father and son.
“Thank you, Nano, and thank you for looking after this little devil here. Say, what to Uncle Nano, Osc?” he grins at his son.
Oscar’s hands attempt to reach for me like he wants to–
“Hug, Nano.”
– hug me .
I smiled at him, “Come here, Oscar.”
–
At the end of the day, Mark drove me to the hotel with Oscar sleeping in his car seat. Throughout the journey to the hotel, Mark told me that he and Oscar’s mother don't have any relationship other than being a parent to their beautiful children.
“We did try to have a normal relationship when she was pregnant with Oscar up until Oscar was one year old. But after that, we can't. So now, she's with someone else, and we share custody,” he explained it well to me, and I understood. Until what he said lastly.
He smiles, “She's still young, probably that's why she can't have life with me.”
“And what is your reason?” I asked him back.
Hands-on the steering wheel, but his eyes focused on my eyes. And he replied, “It's only you, Fer. It's always been you.”
2016
“Jenson, please! I know you can have someone better than me,” I screamed at him. That’s the first time I did that to him.
All these months, I have been trying to accept Jenson into my life, but I can’t. He needs someone who can be emotionally available, not someone like me who still can’t forget about the past.
He stands in front of me, but there’s no golden retriever smile. He smiles like someone who comes back from a lost war. “You are enough for me, I don’t care if you still love Mark, I can handle it, and maybe next year you’ll love me back.”
“Jenson, you sound like Ferrari. But the problem is not you, the problem is me! I don’t want to hurt you any longer. You are a precious friend to me. You will always have a special place in my heart–
“But not like Mark, right? As much as I want to be special to you, I can never defeat the love of your life,”
I look down at my feet, “I am sorry, Jenson.”
As I look up, he stares at me with a smile, a smile that he never showed me, “It’s alright Fer, and to be honest I know this is a game that I have lost since the beginning. It will always be Mark for you, that bastard who broke your heart.”
The tears are trying to escape my eyes, and as they escape, he wipes them and cups my face. “Don’t cry, mate, because next year I won’t be able to do this for you anymore,”
“What do you mean?” I took his hands away from my face. He chuckled, “I won’t extend the contract, Stof will take my seat. And no, this is not because of you, I have wanted this for quite some time,” he grinned at me.
I shook my head furiously, “No, you can’t leave me alone! Not you too, Jenson, please.”
“Well, I don’t want to leave you too, but this is it for me with those F1 cars and McLaren. But for you, it’s still long.” And that night, he held me tightly.
-
It’s already half of the season, and now I'm somewhere in the UK with Mark and Oscar, on Oscar's mother's wedding day.
If you told me a year ago that I would be spending the summer break with Mark, I would laugh. And surely, now I'm laughing at myself because I feel like a clown.
I did have a little fight with Lorena because I am still talking (even worse, going on vacation) with Mark.
‘ Estúpido ’ was one of the most used words in our conversation last night, and she is mostly right. But little brothers do what they do, right?
“Nando, I did like Mark before he hurt you. If he still loves you, he better show up in front of me and beg for my forgiveness. And if he's not, well, I would probably call Jenson,” said Lorena on the phone with some angry notes. And yes, we did talk about Jenson, too.
I laugh, “Jenson probably is busy because another very busy man is trying to get his heart.”
–
The wedding was pretty, I got to talk with the bride, and she was nice and pretty. No wonder Oscar is a very cute and polite kid.
“Oscar likes you, Fernando,” she said somewhere in the reception. I was smiling and laughing at the sentences, “He is a very lovely boy, your son.”
We were seated at one of the tables, looking at Oscar dancing with Mark at the center of the room. “I’m sorry for what I have done to you,” she turned to look at me. I was shocked and tried to look into her eyes, searching if there were lies in her words. But there are none.
“When I and Mark tried to be in a relationship, he was like a ghost. He tried to make me happy, but it was like he wasn’t there the whole time,” she continued.
I looked back at Mark, “What happened in the past should be forgotten now. I was so angry at both of you, especially at Mark, but now I don’t think about it,”
“You are such a good person, Fernando. Thank you so much,” she replied and hugged me, Mark was looking at me and he smiled.
I grinned back, “Well, I am a good person,” and we laughed.
–
After the reception, Mark took me to walk around the ranch where the party took. It’s a pretty place, there are hills surrounding it, but the weather looks like it’s going to rain.
“Mark, where is Oscar?” I asked while still looking at the beautiful scenery around. He coughed a little, “He is with his grandparents, they said they missed him. So, yeah.”
I nodded and we walked in silence. Stealing glances on Mark, he looked very good with a white dress shirt, his tie is a deep blue with a tiny stripe of red (why is it so, Red Bull coded?), and covered with a matching deep blue suit. Oh, don’t forget his brown leather shoes.
Too detailed. And his beautiful face–
“Nando? Are you okay?”
“Yes, I am okay, Mark,” I hope he doesn’t notice me getting too nervous.
“You sure are okay, aren’t you,” he grinned playfully and still looking forward on the trail of the ranch, “looking at me like you wanted me so bad. You only need to ask.”
He caught me staring at him. I need to search for my dignity that has been lost because of this.
“It’s okay mate, I did wear this to impress you,” he replied to my silent answer.
Shock. I stop my step and stand still. “What?” well of course I asked him because I needed to know why, but before he could reply to my question, the rain fell.
“I will answer it, but let’s get into somewhere dry. Okay?” and he grabbed my left hand to lead me through the rain. His hold still feels the same.
And now we are in a stable, with three horses. One is blonde (looks like Nico), beside them is a dark brown horse (probably Lewis), and far behind is a light brown horse (that’s Felipe for sure because they’re small).
Why am I analyzing the horses? I turned my back and found Mark undoing his tie and his blazer was already off. Stop it, Fernando!
“M-Mark,”
“Yes, Fer?” he looked at me while placing his blazer on top of one of the cage doors.
“Can you answer my question?”
“Now?” he grinned.
I see, he is playing with my emotions now. “Of course now! Do not make me mad at you.”
“Well, isn’t it clear that I wear a nice-looking suit to attract you?” he replied as he got closer to where I was standing.
I went blank. “Why?” as he gets much closer.
“I still like you– no, that’s an understatement. I still love you, Fer,” and now he is right in front of me.
Dios mio . God. I still miss him very much. I miss his smile, his scent, his touch, and everything about him. “But you can’t love me anymore,” looking at the horses, who look very cuddly.
“Why?” he asked.
I chuckled painfully from my heart, “Why? You asked why, Mark? You left me alone, Mark. When you said that you will always be with me, doing things we love, doesn’t have to be racing, it could be anything you said,” there’s no more rage from me.
“You did realize that you have cheated on me, and yes I know now you are not with her anymore. But did you realize how hurt I was, and how I had to rebuild myself alone?” and I turned my back on him.
I can feel his gaze, but I can’t face him because I can feel the tears seeping through. “You think that you’re the only one who has still feelings, Mark? Because if it is, you are wrong.”
And suddenly I can feel he brought me to his chest, “I am sorry, Fer. I am so stupid to do that to you,” his chin on my head.
“I still love you, Mark. I do, but it hurts so bad at the same time,” and I cried so hard placing both of my hands on my lips. After that, Mark rotated me so I faced him
His eyes are full of guilt, he doesn’t talk, but he hugs me so tight as if tomorrow won’t happen.
-
“Thanks for the company tonight, Mark,” now we are in front of my room. We left the stable after the rain stopped. The rain stopped fifteen minutes after I made the statement that I still love Mark.
The atmosphere feels so heavy, we do need to rest after the short confrontation. “You’re welcome, mate,” I nodded, and I went inside while Mark went to his room.
But in less than a minute, someone knocked on my door quite vigorously. And when I open the door, he is there looking disheveled like he left something behind.
“What–
“Can I kiss you?” he asked me, out of breath.
All I can do is look down at my feet, and when I look up again, I grab his cheek and kiss him on his lips. It’s an innocent one, but I miss it so much. And after that, it all happened naturally like how it used to be.
-
In the morning, I left the place before saying goodbye to Mark who was still in bed. But I did see Oscar with his grandparents.
“Uncle Nano!” he greeted me with his little hands and he went to me with his little feet. I smile so wide, I feel like I want to cry, “Yes Oscar?” I lift him.
“Where are you going? You have to get breakfast first, dad said that to me so I can grow up tall like him,” he blurted like Mark.
I smiled at Oscar’s grandparents and turned my focus on him, “Your dad is a monster, but I need to go now. I will get my breakfast on the plane,”
“Plane? You can go by car to Woking, Uncle Nano,” he replied.
And as I stroked his hair, “I am going home to Asturias in Spain, Oscar,” he looked confused and put his hand around my neck.
“So far to Spain? Don’t go, Uncle Nano,” he said while hiding his face on my neck. I don’t want to go too, Oscar.
I kiss his head which smells like baby shampoo, “Have to, but if you miss me, just call me like you always do. Okay?”
“Promise?” now Oscar is looking at me, and offers his pinky finger.
Taking his little finger, “Always.”
-
“Fer? Mate?” I searched for him as I woke up. But there’s no sign of him. His bags are gone, he even folded all of my clothes. But, he is nowhere.
Fernando is gone. He left me, alone.
2017
“You did amazing yesterday, amazing job,”
“And you buddy, and you buddy. Have a good one!”
That man sounds delighted from how he sounds, well of course he is happy. I gave him another chance to race his back then rival turned lover who drives the red car.
And a very bright day at my very first race in Indy500. Hope it will end great.
-
It did not go well. The first few laps were okay until the machine chose to give up. Well, McLaren wasn’t reliable either in F1, I wasn’t really surprised but I wish it would be better than this. And now I am on the way back to the hotel with the team.
“Nando, do you want to eat first or straight to your room?” Edo asked me while checking inside his bag.
Glad that Edo is still with me and put up with all my ego, “Straight to my room, need some sleep after all of it,” he nodded and patted me on the shoulder. Finally arriving at the hotel, I talked with the team shortly before I decided to go to my room. But when I opened the room, the lamps were already on.
“Fer, is it you?” a voice called from the bathroom. He stuck out his head and smiled at me.
He was there, why was he there? He caught me off guard, does this mean he went all the way to Indiana, for me? Fuck it, why do I bother with the whys and the what-ifs. I ran from the door and leaped at him.
Mark Alan Webber, the guy who always knew how to light my day. I put my hands around his neck and, “Mate, you’re so short that you even have to tiptoe to hug me,”
“Shut up Mark, just hug me back!” I respond to his mockery about my height, but I know that he loves me for that because he can settle his chin right on my head.
“How did you get in?” I am still inside his embrace, and he snuggles around my curls, “ Edo helped me, a savior as always,” and I hummed at it.
He laughs as I can feel the vibration, “A shit race, eh?” he asked.
“Indeed, but thank you for coming to see me. I am so happy to see you,”
“You don’t even have to ask me to come, mate. I will always be happy to be with you,” said Mark while making a gap between us.
He looked at me with his dark green eyes, I touched his cheeks feeling his stubble there, and before I could kiss him he touched my lips with his index fingers.
“Not this time, Nano. Let me kiss you first this time,” and he kissed me passionately. Feel utterly blessed, to have him by my side. I can’t believe that we’ve taken all of the hardships and the unexplainable feelings. Back then I thought that was unnecessary, but right now I know that it was meant to have happened.
Maybe that’s not how we wanted, but it was what we needed.
-
Mark is in front of my house in Asturias, with his backpack. I was speechless, but Lorena with her fast feet and strong hands, pushed me aside and brought Mark inside.
“Fernando, go to your room,” said Lorena. I looked at Mark, and he nodded, feeling like he wanted to give me a sign that he would be alright.
I brought my feet upstairs, but not inside of my bedroom. After what felt like an eternity, I heard footsteps and Mark revealed himself, but not with his backpack.
“Hello, mate,” he cleared his throat and lowered himself as I was not standing up from the floor.
I looked at him and I wondered, why his eyebags were darker than usual, “You didn’t take care of yourself, what happened?”
“I lost someone and now I am searching for them, that’s what happened,” he answered and took my right hand and wrapped his hands around it.
His hands are still comfortable, feels a little bit colder than usual, but it is still home.
“Did you find them?”
“I did, but I need to ask them if they still want me to be with them,”
“Ask them then,” he unwrapped his hands from my hand and placed them on my cheeks.
“Fernando Alonso Diaz, do you still want me to be with you?”
I take a breath, “What did Lorena say?’
“She says that if I hurt you again, she will come to my house and punch me,”
I chuckled and he did too. We laughed for a couple of minutes and after that, “Well, hear me out Mark Alan Webber,” I took another deep breath.
“I still love you very much, and it sucks. But, I do still want you to be with me and let me stand by your side until we vanish from this world,”
We smiled and his eyes got teary, “Thank you, Fer. Thank you so much, oh how I love you,” he brought me to his embrace and I drowned in it.
“By the way, Oscar send you a message. He misses you so much,” he hummed behind my ear.
“I miss Oscar, my koala baby,”
“Our, koala baby,” he corrects me.
“Yes, ours.”
The End.