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Neils always managed to have some sort of self confidence, unknowingly he's able to speak his mind without a second thought, and jump into social events not worried of what others may think of him.
On the other hand, it took him awhile to become confident in his own acting.
Sure he's not afraid to practice his lines in front of others, or to perform in front of a crowd, but he wasn't aware his acting was really any good until Todd said something.
He'll never forget those words either, everything Todd says seems to mean a lot to him wether it's intended to or not. Now, when it comes to his
poetry—he still needs to build some confidence in that area.
Today in class Mr. Keating assigned all the boys to work on a special poem together, in groups of two. Of course Neil was thrilled, and knew immediately he was gonna pick Todd as his partner. In hopes to learn something from him, and because he really couldn't imagine choosing anyone else for something like this. Todd however wasn't too keen of Keatings whole duo idea, already feeling sick from the thought of someone reading his own poetry, let alone watching him come up with it.
Neil opens the door to his dorm to find Todd sat on his bed and leaned against their rather boring beige wall, he seems to be slouched over his notebook as per usual.
Neil walks over to Todd, somewhat carefully seeing as though Todd's pretty focused on his own writing.
"Hey Todd..", Neil announces, in somewhat of a mumble. A bit nervous to ask Todd about the assignment, knowing his disliking towards sharing his poetry.
"Hm? Oh—hi..",
Todd finally looks up from his writing, and seems to straighten his posture. Already dreading what Neils about to ask, he proposes the idea himself.
"This is about Mr. Keatings assignment?",
Todd questions.
"Err—Yeah! Yeah.. I uhm was wondering how you felt about it?",
Neil knows how Todd feels about this, but doesn't really know how else to broach the topic.
"Let's just-lets just get this over with.."
Todd didn't intend that to sound so cold, but Neil understands what he meant, what he's feeling.
Todd pats to the spot next to him on his bed, and Neil gently sits down beside him.
"So, have you got anything in mind?",
Todd asks.
Neil looks down at the blank sheet of paper, with a matching blank mind. He notices the bite marks surrounding Todd's pencil and can't help but find it rather endearing, he then looks up at Todd who seems to be brainstorming ideas.
Rather than thinking of some himself, he seems to daze off staring at Todd. Being this close to him has him notice the different hues in his eyes, the pink in his lips.
Being quite obvious with his staring problem, Todd looks up at Neil, but instead of looking away Neil just flashes a soft smile, and—wait? Did the pink from Todd's lips just transfer to his cheeks? Neil questions to himself, but before he can get an answer Todd quickly changes the subject.
Without Neil noticing, Todd's already jotted down a good quarter of the poem, "um, is this any good?". Todd nervously hands over the notepad to Neil, who looks thrilled to even have the opportunity to read Todd's writing.
The halls may be bustling with noise
And our classes with heavy sighs
But in our little room
I can always confine in you.
Through dusk and dawn
The crawdads sing.
When I dip my pen with ink
My first thought is what you'll think.
It's the little things you do
That keeps me true to you.
Neil reads the poem, then he reads the poem again, then again, and then a 'few' more times. Really letting the words sit with him, and processing each line. At a glance it almost seems the poems meant for him, but then Neil realizes he's just flattering himself. It seems to be a love poem, which Neil finds a bit bold for Todd to reveal. Nonetheless, Neil can't help but feel adorned with Todd's trust.
Todd studies Neils face as he reads his poem, trying to decipher his feelings towards the words, anticipating his response.
"I know it's not that good..",
Todd says feeling a bit defeated.
"Wha—What? Are you kidding, this is amazing so far!".
Neil gasps at Todd's response, how could he think something like that?
"Oh—well um, here. It's your turn to write the other half",
Todd says embarrassed, offering a slight smile, that Neil wishes he could capture forever.
Todd leans into the wall, it's almost like the lack of life in it has transfered to him. Neil notices this, as he does with anything Todd does, and knows they can't write while feeling bleak.
"The air feels kinda..stale, in here. Wanna head out for a bit?",
Neil questions, waiting to remove the notepad from his lap. Todd nods eagerly in response, ready to finally catch a breath.
Neil leads Todd outside into the blistering cold, which doesn't sound very pleasant in retrospect, but is far better than being cramped inside all day. They walk side by side, with Neil huddling them close together to 'keep warm'; at least that's what Todd supposes. Todd doesn't seem to have a clue where Neils leading them, but isn't really concerned about the topic.
"Gosh, I can't wait to leave here with you some day."
Neil starts, a rather casual conversation, but it almost leaves Todd stumbling in his tracks. "With you", Todd repeats in his head, thinking if that small detail is really a big deal or if he's just giving into some delusion.
"We can—move to New York together, y'know where all the big broadway performers stay?",
Neil carries on the idea, and Todd nods in response. Unable to form an actual sentence, he's never been included in someone's future before, never been thought of like that. He wonders if his ears are deceiving him, or even his eyes when he often catches Neils staring far too long to be considered normal.
"Sure New York is plenty more cold in the winter than it is here, but it seems you enjoy the cold, so I guess that shouldn't be a problem".
Neil says, looking over to Todd who sends a slight smile in response to Neil, who remembers the smallest little things about him.
"We can get a nice studio apartment together, you write, I'll act, that's how I see our future.",
Neil states simply, looking content in his idea. Todd however, is having trouble even walking properly. If it wasn't for Neils arm around him, holding him steady, he'd be deep under a pocket of snow. "Together", "our future", Todd replays these lines, as well as this entire conversation in general, over and over. After a bit of silence goes by, Neil looks over to Todd, slightly concerned after not receiving a reply to his idea. Todd's been zoned out, too busy repeating their conversation in his mind to focus on his questionable silence,
"That—sounds nice. I'd like that, a lot actually.".Todd replies, sending a smile that seems to warm Neil completely, even after walking in the cold for far too long.
Todd sees a familiar place creeping up in the distance, and he finally grasps where Neils taking them. The dock. The place they practiced for Neils first show together, the place Todd always goes when in need of some silence. Of course Neil took them here, it's their place.
They walk up to the center of the dock, and Neil stops in his tracks.
"I've noticed you come here a lot, is this—does this place help inspire you?", Neil asks, looking at the nature around them, and then back to Todd.
Technically the answer is yes, but not completely. Todd comes here to write often, and yes, the fresh air surrounding him, the endless lake, it does all help him write. However, what really inspires Todd is, and always will, is Neil. Todd looks to the ground, biting his lip. Unsure if he should give his honest answer, if he's even capable of saying it out loud.
"This—this place is nice.", Todd states simply, nodding his head, knowing his reply sounds stupid. Neil looks to Todd, not very peculiarly though, and just hums in response.
They both sit at the edge of the dock, feet hanging above the frozen water below. Todd knows it's not his turn to write the poem, but nonetheless he continues to write verses in his head, verses about Neil.
The breeze is cold, as the wind strokes through Todd's hair. Neil can't help but feel jealous of the winds advantage, carelessly able to run through his hair. He stares at the way the strands just fall into place, managing to frame Todd's face perfectly. This manages to inspire Neil, who begins to piece words together in his head, forming a few lines for his part of the poem.
The sun begins to set in the distance, as hues of orange and yellow emerge into the sky. Todd looks over to Neil, the sunset reflecting into his eyes. In attempt to remember this scene forever, he stares for awhile, capturing every detail of Neils eyes.
Eventually the darkness starts closing in, and they both begin to head back. On their way there however, Neil doesn't hold Todd close, instead he walks slightly farther behind him, Todd finds this peculiar.
Until suddenly—BAM! Neil chucks a snowball towards Todd's head from behind. "Wha—hey!",
Todd gasps at Neils surprise attack,
"Well cmon, don't you wanna get revenge? Throw one back!",
Neil says encouragingly, but Todd just scoffs, shaking his head at Neils antics. However, he is looking for some revenge. Neil laughs, and keeps on walking. Todd sees this as an opportunity and rolls up a big ball of snow, stealing Neils same move and chucking one at him from behind!
"Ohh so you are looking for a fight hm?"
Neil says with a smirk, "you're the one that started it, I'm merely just ending it.",
Todd says tauntin-gly.
"Ending it? You just started a war!", they both start a huge snowball fight, laughing in the midst of it all.
After sometime, the weather gets far too chilly, with both of them shivering they decide it's time to actually head inside. With of course, Neil surrendering in defeat.
"You may have won this battle Anderson, but this isn't the end of the war!", Neil says triumphantly, with Todd rolling his eyes in response."You throw like a girl!", Todd says, throwing in one last remark before entering the building.
It's finally the day everyone must recite their poems in front of the class, Neil managed to finish his part the night of his and Todd's snowball fight, Todd hasn't heard it yet but isn't worried about it. Charlie and Knox head up to the front of the class first, after hearing their poem Todd concluded it to be about carpe diem, seizing the day. He knew that must've been Charlie's idea, since that's his day to day motive. Next up was him and Neil, nervously Todd heads up to the front of class, while Neil on the other hand seems to be confident in their poem. First Todd begins,
The halls may be bustling with noise
And the classes with heavy sighs
But in our little room
I can always confine in you
Through dusk and dawn
The crawdads sing
When I dip my pen with ink
My first thought is what you'll think
It's the little things you do
That keep me true to you
Then Neil says his part,
And when we're small
in the middle of an ice cold sea
You light a fire inside me
Warming us both past the skies reach
Between your windy smile
And the winter breeze
The inspiration you leave yearning in me
Will never leave
The class is filled with claps and whistling, Mr. Keating gives them both a smile as they then return back to their seats. Neil sits content, and proud of both their poems, even whispering over to Todd, "you did great.". Todd on the other hand, is still trying to decipher Neils half of the poem. He repeats the lines in his head, and it almost sounds like the poem was about the night of their snowball fight. He tries not to think too hard on it, but he tends to over think things, especially when they have to do with Neil.
The course of the day goes by slow, but at last, Todd is now standing in front the door of his dorm. Ready to collapse on his bed, and get some well earned sleep. He opens the door to see Neil sitting at his desk, staring blankly at today's assigned home work. It then hits Todd that he still has assignments to do himself, he groans out loud in response and heads towards his desk. While unpacking his book bag he notices his and Neils poem sitting inside as well, which prompts him to finally ask the question,
"so about your poem,"
Todd begins. Neil turns to face Todd in response,
"oh yeah, did you like it?"
Neil asks, hoping for a positive reply.
"I—I, of course! I mean, it was, it was really .. Beautiful."
Todd says, a bit caught off guard by the question, but nonetheless, completely genuine with his response.
"But, um, I was just—curious. About the um, meaning behind it."
Todd asks, his nervousness leaking through his voice.
"Oh, well I thought it was clear. The—it's.. The poems about, well, you."
Neil replies, looking up at Todd with endearment.
Todd can't stop his eyes from widening, he was completely taken aback. He looks down at Neils poem in his hands, rereading each line slowly. Maybe it doesn't read as a love poem after all, Todd thinks to himself. He sets the poem aside, concluding that he must've gotten way over his head, it's clearly just a poem for a friend. Neil begins,
"I, um. Is that—okay?",
Todd looks over to him once more, puzzled by what he could mean. Neil reads Todd's face, and clarifies, "I mean, is what I said about you, how I feel about you, is that.. Are you.. How do you feel?".
Todd stands there, thinking about whatever Neil could mean. He looks to the poem again, then back at Neil,
"I feel.. Fine. This is, okay. This is great actually, this, this is beautiful. It makes me feel, um, happy? Or, no, it makes me feel like, like butterflies are swarming in my stomach. Well—wait, that's, that's kind of embarrassing actually, um."
Todd stops himself from spilling out any more embarrassing secrets, usually he doesn't ramble like this. Neil stays sat, looking up at Todd. A smile forms across his face, and him and Todd both start laughing at just how awkward they both are.
"Butterflies, really?", Neil says in the midst of laughing.
"Well, yeah. I mean, you always give me that feelin—", Todd tries to stop himself, but it's already too late. It's crazy how when he's with Neil, he sometimes can't control what he's saying. I'm crazy, Todd thinks to himself. Todd immediately turns away from Neil, "I'm gonna go change into my pyjamas now.", Todd says while quickly gathering his clothes, and sprinting out the room. Neil sits at his desk, completely flustered, "I give him butterflies? All the time?", Neil says to himself, utterly baffled. He never would've thought he gave Todd the same feelings.
They both continue their school work before heading off to bed, not speaking a word about what had just been revealed. Suddenly, Todd breaks away from sleep after a terrible nightmare. He sits up, cold sweat running down his back, as he looks to the clock that reads 10:30PM. Looking away from the clock to Neils bed, he notices Neil isn't there.
"Wha—Neil?", Todd calls out, stupid to think he'd receive a response. Todd tries to calm himself, maybe Neils just off to the bathroom. He lays back down, and tries to stop his racing thoughts. 30 minutes go by, it's now 11 o' clock at night and Neil still isn't back. Todd hurries to get out of bed, shuffling his jacket around him. "damnit Neil.", Todd mumbles beneath his breath.
He manages to sneak out the dormitories, and out through the corridors, into the cold of the night. He doesn't wanna shout around Neils name, afraid he might wake everyone, so he just heads to the only spot he thinks Neil could be. As he inches closer to the dock, he sees a familiar silhouette sitting near the edge.
"Neil?", Todd croaks out, sounding a bit too concerned. Neil turns to face Todd, who's met with a look of surprise, yet endearment on Neils face.
"Todd..", Neil replies, his voice always sounding ever so soft when speaking Todd's name.
Todd carefully walks closer, not sure if he's pushing his limits, but Neil answers that question for him.
"you can sit with me, if you want." Neil pats to the spot beside him, and Todd graciously sits near, leaving little to no room between them.
A few seconds of silence goes by, but is eventually followed with, "what are you doing out here?" Todd asks, barely above a whisper.
"Well, you always come here". Neil replies, hardly answering Todd's question.
"Well, sure. But — it's freezing out, and, its just. Is everything — alright?", Todd stumbles on his words, it's 11 at night in the blistering cold, his brain is clearly fogging.
"Do you..", Neil begins, then pauses. "Do you ever feel like how you feel will never be right?"
Todd looks at him, blank, is he really having him solve riddles at 11 at night in ice cold weather?
"I—yeah, I mean, sure.", Todd frowns, unable to take his eyes off of Neil, who seems to be shivering. He looks so different at night, compared to during the day.
"Its like — I never feel what I'm supposed to be feeling. ", Neils voice trembles from the cold.
"Like they're always wrong, and I can never make them — normal." Neil sighs, his figure crouched together.
Neil looks over to Todd, who can't decide if the look in Neils eyes is yearning or desperation.
"Well, you don't have to be normal. Just be, you."
Todd sympathized. Neil scoffs, but not in a cold way.
"If I were to be myself, whoever that may be, my father wouldn't tolerate it, not for a second." Neil concludes, Todd however, begs to differ.
"Your father doesn't seem to be here now, so, how do you really feel — right now." Todd questioned, but didn't expect to see blush creep up on Neils face in response.
"Its not exactly how I feel in general its — how I feel about, well, you." Neil states simply, while Todd on the other hand spirals at his reply.
"How you feel about me, isn't normal?" Todd questions, overly flustered.
"Not in the slightest." Neil says, cracking a smile.
All of a sudden the space between them seems unbearably slim, and Todd can't decide whether to eye Neils hand twitching towards his, or the look of yearning festering in his gaze; involuntarily, his eyes stay trapped on Neils lips.
"How do you feel about this?" Neil murmured, enclosing his hand in Todd's.
Todd swallows, and Neil's eyes flicker downward.
With poetry words come easy, and flow from Todd's pen like a river. Undoubtedly at the moment, Todd can't seem to sputter out any at all.
To save himself from embarrassment, he takes a risk. Todd isn't known to be a risk-taker, but now isn't the time to be reasonable.
"I don't think words can describe how I feel, but I know what can." Todd decided. "Oh? An—", but before Neil could finish, he's cut off with Todd's lips perfectly sealed against his.
First kisses are never perfect, but Neil swears this one to be. Unlike the rest of Todd's shivering self, his lips are warm, and precise when they press against Neils; almost like he's trying to capture each curve. Todd let's himself melt in this moment, his dignity fades as he squeezes Neils hand in disbelief yet excitement.
And for just this one moment, what his father will think isn't festering in the back of Neils mind, instead his only thought is how to make this moment last forever.