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Sakura was very emotionally intelligent. That was something all of her friends would agree on. It was one of her best skillsets. She was also physically intelligent too when she put her mind to things. It took a lot of work to get good grades and study for a very important exam and Sakura had dedicated her heart and soul to that project. It had been hard work but if people had been interviewed about Sakura in middle school they probably would have described her as “intelligent.”

Sakura could read people’s body language. She was pretty good at guessing what people’s feelings were and helping them through things.

She wasn’t stupid.

It took her an embarrassingly long time to figure out Kotaro Tatsumi and her best friend from her time alive, Kota Inui were the same person. A whole one week after her memories returned. It was rather shameful. If she had been less focused on her own problems, she probably would have recognized him right away. Maybe that night at the observatory would have been different if she asked him why he had done all this, changed his identity, put on a personality that seemed boisterous and more of a costume than it should have been. Forced. Why had he raised the dead? Why was he trying to save Saga when he hadn’t cared about Saga before? Maybe he would have answered those questions if Sakura had pleaded with him for answers. Maybe he wouldn’t.

But unfortunately, she hadn’t noticed he was right in front of her until she was feeling a little better.

It was obvious when she thought about it. Kotaro wasn’t good at names. He had just added a -ro at the end of his name and thought he had been so subtle, changing his last name to the opposite of Inui and calling it good.  And then he had slapped some sunglasses on himself and hadn’t even dyed his hair or anything, like the sunglasses were SUBTLE that he was hiding something. It was a little annoying how obvious he was being in this hidden identity thing when Sakura thought about it. It took everything in her to force that annoyance down because she knew she was just annoyed at him because she was depressed and in a bad mood.

He still wore those silly bowties that he was so proud of. Like he had in elementary school. He was still strangely good at obscure skillsets, like biking in the mud, fishing and beatboxing. He still liked idols. He still had THE WORST DRAWING THAT SAKURA HAD EVER SEEN. She couldn’t believe he would try to hide himself from her to such an extent but NOT change his art skills whatsoever???? She could recognize those terrible doodles of her face a mile away. Those weirdly drawn scribbles of bug eyes burned into her soul.

He still was terrible at public speaking in this cutely embarrassing way. He still thought he was good at celebrity impressions and yet those celebrity impressions were animals and very cringey impressions that made Sakura wish she could at least forget THAT. He still spoke so passionately about things she couldn’t exactly follow.

He still believed in her. He still thought she had what it took. He would never abandon her, specifically. Not the other girls. He treated her special.

She would never forget Inui’s smile. He was her very best friend. Why did he think he could hide himself from her? Why did he think this lie was going to be convincing to her? That she would swallow it and all his plans would go swimmingly?

And most importantly…Why was he lying to her at all?

Sakura wondered about that a lot when she had figured things out. It was odd because she eventually got her memories of Kotaro Tatsumi, a crazed necromancer who pushed her to her limits, and sent her to the mountains without explaining why. She could sort of kinda see that he was a different person than Inui. But then she’d look at his hands and be unable to not see Inui’s hands, or in the rare times when he wasn’t shouting, she could still hear Inui’s voice…

But she had new, different memories of Kotaro. He felt like a different guy. She had formed a different relationship with Kotaro than she had with Inui. Kotaro was no longer her secret keeper. They no longer spent long nights talking to each other and discussing things on the phone. They no longer walked side by side next to each other. Kotaro would never hold her as she cried like Inui had the day after she failed her exam…They would never swap lunches or cook for each other, or stuff food into each other’s mouth cutely with their chopsticks….There were so many simple things that they did that no longer happened and it felt like a hole in her heart.

Kotaro Tatsumi was NOT her best friend. He was her manager. But Kota Inui was and always would be her best friend.

Maybe he has amnesia like I do….Sakura thought to herself trying to come up with WHY he would lie to her. Maybe that’s why he’s not telling me who he is. Maybe he just doesn’t remember his time as Inui. Maybe she just had to move ahead with their new relationship. He was still in her life even though she was a zombie, so maybe she had to accept the new him too. It was hard to see Kotaro as just her manager though…It was very clear to her that Kotaro treated her ‘special’ and different than the other girls. He was especially kind to her sometimes compared to the rest of them. He sometimes did things she asked, like helping Junko through things. And when she was dealing with a problem, he always got very involved and tried to solve it, instead of outsourcing it to someone else like he did with Saki or Lily. She was obviously his favorite and he tried to hide it by bullying her, but Sakura could tell.

He said he would never abandon her. Not Franchouchou. Her.

Maybe she just had to treat him like Kotaro and not Inui. It was especially hard when she saw him drunk and depressed. She wanted it to be her turn to support her friend but instead she found herself arguing with him to come back. Inui would be softer with her and gentler during her depression but Kotaro…Kotaro was different. He had yelled at her and he probably needed the same level of yelling to get himself standing back up.

At least that’s how she saw it when she had to defend her actions in her head after fighting with him. If she didn’t defend herself with guilt would have eaten her alive.

Luckily, Kotaro had returned to her. As he always did. She knew her faith in him hadn’t been misplaced. It made her eyes shine brightly and she was all smiles because Kotaro had finally returned.

However, after his depression…She had to sort of accept that Inui didn’t have amnesia. It smacked her in the face like Yugiri’s slaps so often did when Kotaro was crying and grieving his lost electric guitar that Junko had smashed. An electric guitar that he had claimed he had his entire life THAT INUI ALSO HAD HIS ENTIRE LIFE. HOW THE HELL COULD HE THINK HE WAS SUBTLE AND FORGET THAT SAKURA KNEW THAT!!!!???? IT BLEW SAKURA’S MIND HIS LEVEL OF STUPIDITY!

She just had to acknowledge Kota was a little bit of a stupid person. She couldn’t quite recall if he had gotten stupider during the years apart. Was Inui this dumb? Maybe the years apart turned him into a himbo. He definitely acts like an idiot! I THOUGHT HE WAS TRYING TO HIDE HIS IDENTITY. How he could forget about how often I saw that stupid electric guitar??? I recognize it on sight! That fool!

The lies only hurt because she didn’t understand why Kotaro wasn’t telling her this…Why he refused to tell her he was Inui. They had been each other’s secret keepers before. Telling each other everything. Inui had no secrets from her and she had no secrets from Inui. But Kotaro…Kotaro refused to tell her anything. He just continued lying to her. Hiding things from her. Putting everything on his shoulders alone to deal with. And Sakura didn’t know why. Why had he chosen to walk this path alone instead of with her??? She didn’t understand him.  

Sakura was emotionally intelligent enough to know, if she asked Kotaro any of the questions that plagued her, he’d run away. And she wasn’t confident he’d ever come back to her.

She was grateful of course. Even if she was frustrated, she was still grateful at what Inui had done for her. It was amazing and made her feel incredibly special that Inui had somehow fallen into cultish fanatism of Saga later in his life and had decided that the person he wanted to partner with to save Saga was his old dead friend Sakura…. She hoped to God that nobody had taken advantage of him and scammed him with that ‘Saga is dying’ thing. But there had to be some reality because somehow he had learned how to revive the dead. So maybe there was something supernatural and real to the Saga is dying thing.

All she knew was Inui had probably never forgotten about her. He had kept believing in her even though she was dead. It was such a special feeling. It always made her feel good and happy to think about how highly Kotaro thought of her and how much he cared for her. He truly believed she had what it took to save Saga (even if he wouldn’t tell her that directly.)

She didn’t quite know the specifics of how he gained his powers for necromancy and why he was going full chunibyo and roleplaying this confident producer Kotaro Tatsumi, but she could forgive him for being a little silly and immature. She still cared for him all the same even if he made her cringe a lot of the time with how smart and stealthy, he thought he was when he wasn’t being sneaky at all. Her feelings for him hadn’t changed at all even if it was 12 years later. He was still her precious friend and most important person no matter how embarrassing he acted.

It was her turn to believe in him, since he was so important to her. That was why she was going to trust Kotaro. Trust him to tell her who he was and confess everything to her. She was sure he was planning to tell her eventually. She just had to be patient. Maybe he was too busy dealing with Saga and they hadn’t saved enough of it for him to have that conversation with her. She just needed to wait.

So she would pretend she didn’t know anything and pretend to swallow all his lies for his sake. It was the least she could do in return for him. It was what he wanted, for her to not figure him out, so she’d keep up the ruse and play pretend.

And she knew…eventually he’d be ready to talk about everything. She just had to be patient with him.

It was her turn to be a very good friend, since he had brought her back out of his deep friendship in his heart for her.

Sakura tried to be tactful when her friends got into competitive arguments about who was everyone’s best friends. Sometimes Lily and Saki would get competitive and ask Sakura who her BEST bff was. As if they were collecting who was each other’s favorites and rubbing it in each other’s faces. They probably were just sad because Junko and Ai were clearly each other’s best friends and the dynamic was no longer as equal as it had been.

“We’re all friends, suuuuuure, but who’s your real best friend?” Lily would ask, holding Sakura’s arm tightly and trying to make her eyes sparkle in the background as Tae kept tally for Saki and Lily by drawing weird scratches that were barely tallies on a paper and illegible. “Junko and Ai are each other’s BEST friends…..Yugirin and me are clearly a pair of best friends too. I think that’s non-negotiable that she loves me the most.” Lily bragged to Saki.

Saki sighed, “I’ll concede Yugiri….” She agreed, defeated.

Lily perked up and smiled. “So, who’s your favorite, Sakura??? Is it me??? We can be best friends too! Yugirin and I have a different sort of bond than normal friends, so we can definitely be best friends! Am I your favorite???” She batted her eyelashes cutely, trying to get Sakura to agree with her, childishly.

“No way! I’m not letting you take Sakura!” Saki huffed, “I’m OBVIOUSLY her best friend. There’s Ai and Junko, Yugiri and Lily, and me and Sakura. Perfect pairs. No one’s left behind.”

Tae glared angrily at her and crumpled up the sheet of paper she was using to keep score in this childish argument.

“Come on, Tae! All I’m saying is out of people who can converse with Sakura, I’m obviously the closest to Sakura! Let me have a best friend too!!!” Saki cried, “Sakura. You want me to have a new best friend to help with the pain of leaving Reiko behind, right???” She tried to use pity to her advantage so she could win this fight. “I’m so broken after my last ride and die left me…You can be my new second in command!” Saki offered.

Tae growled loudly. “Graaaaa Arrrrr Raaaa!” She pulled at her hair, annoyed. Even if she couldn’t TALK to Sakura, it was undeniable that SHE was Sakura’s best friend and favorite. And she wouldn’t surrender her to Saki of all people!!! She grabbed Sakura’s arm and glared at Saki possessively and also slightly insulted by her words.

Sakura pat Tae’s head the way Tae liked it.

“Okay! Fine.” Saki groaned, “I get it…..It’s Tae! Tae’s your real best friend…” Saki gave up in the face of Tae and Sakura’s strong bond. “Or maybe it’s a one-sided love!” She said with a devilish smirk. “Obviously Tae loves Sakura the best out of all of us, but maybe it’s not mutual!” She teased.

Tae looked horrified at that idea and shook her head.

“There, there, Tae. Don’t listen to her. Saki and Lily are just in some sort of argument…” Sakura assured her, trying to continue calming Tae. But Tae was more independent than she often gave credit for. She let Sakura go, instead of hanging on and leapt at Saki furiously. She must pay for her sins of making that allegation that Sakura didn’t love Tae back! Via getting her hair pulled out. Saki grabbed a pillow to try to defend herself from Tae’s vicious attack and soon the two girls were fighting with pillows.

“Awww…You’re making me jealous.” Lily pouted. “I want to have a pillow fight too…” She picked up her pillow but there was no room to whack anyone in Tae and Saki’s life or death looking pillow fight. It was too intense.  

They were all just being normal friends. It was a fun time. Sakura knew there was nothing to be really concerned about since Saki and Tae got in fights like these often. That was just how they expressed their friendship sometimes. I wonder if fighting and acts of physical violence is a common way for some to express friendship…I’ve only really seen Tae and Kotaro do it. She was sure Kotaro’s weird slapstick thing must be his way of expressing his friendship to her. For some reason. Instead of just complimenting her. Again, why was he dedicated to lying to her???

“Sakura?” Lily tugged on her arm, still waiting for an answer and planning to strike to become Sakura’s favorite when her defenses were weak and Saki and Tae were no longer on the offensive.

“I love everyone equally.” Sakura said tactfully so that nobody would feel sad. “The idea that you can only have one best friend is a silly one honestly! You’re ALL my very best friends!” She said sincerely.

Lily pouted. That wasn’t the nice answer she wanted to hear though! “Okay…but who do you love most?”

“If it’s love, Lady Lily, instead of friendship you’re asking about, it’s probably Lady Ai.” Yugiri said stepping into the argument, and giving Lily a hug, not truly understanding this squabble but wanting to provide Lily with the affection that she believed she was craving if Sakura couldn’t return it. “She is Lady Sakura’s hero.”

“Ughhhh please don’t bring Sakura’s idol worship of me into this fight!” Ai begged. “I think what Sakura said is correct, honestly.” She said reasonably and Sakura grinned. “None of us should play favorites. We all like each other equally. Favorites will cause our group to break apart. And it’s cruel. Nobody wants to be the least favorite. Friendship doesn’t need to be competitive.” Ai lectured. “We’re all best friends. 7 best friends.” Ai nodded and smiled at Sakura.

“Ugh. Shut up!” Saki said, lying belly down as Tae sat on top of her to prevent her from going over to Sakura. “We all know Junko’s your favorite, you hypocrite.” Ai blushed at those words. “Stop pretending you agree with Sakura and pretending to be responsible. Just reject Sakura’s feelings directly instead of making things awkward!”

“I don’t like Ai like that.” Sakura frowned, trying to defend her character. Now they were making this fight a different thing. She was an idol. Idols didn’t have romantic feelings. And she would never jeopardize a good friendship like that.

Ai covered her flushed cheeks, ignoring Sakura. “Um. Well! Junko and I are different! It’s not that I like you all less than Junko….It’s just that Junko and I have something in common that none of the rest of you have!” She explained, “We’re both famous idols and we understand each other in a way the rest of you can’t relate. So sometimes it looks like we’re spending more time with each other because we’re really close, but really we’re talking about a professional thing.” Ai defended. The thing about Ai was that all of her words sounded so mature and believable and then you’d look at her sitting barely any space between her and Junko, almost holding each other’s hands and then it would start sounding more like BS. “It’s not anything unfair or favoritism!” She defended.

Still, Sakura decided not to argue against Ai’s lies. She nodded instead. “I understand.”

Ai and Junko are definitely each other’s best friends and I’m not offended by that. After all, Kotaro is MY best friend…She was just lying about that equal friendship thing. She just knew she couldn’t say ‘oh actually Kotaro is my very best friend because I’ve known him the longest.’ Even if she wasn’t pretending to be oblivious to his hidden identity for Kotaro’s sake, she just could not imagine telling Franchouchou with a straight face that Kotaro was her best friend. Saki would ask me if I suffered brain damage after my death and if I wanted to die from saying something that stupid! They would NEVER accept that ‘Kotaro’s my favorite’ answer. She tried to shove the shame deep down. It wasn’t an unfair statement!!! She had known Kotaro since childhood! It would actually be weirder if he WASN’T her best friend if they all knew what she knew.

But a part of pretending to be oblivious meant not spreading the secret to others and keeping her mouth closed. For Kotaro’s sake. She wasn’t sure who might accidentally blab that she knew to Kotaro, after all.

“I don’t think you’re doing a favoritism thing with Junko.” Sakura agreed, “None of us are ever playing favorites.” She said eyeing Yugiri holding Lily. Somehow the guilt got to Yugiri of all people, and she stopped holding Lily as if she too knew that she was perhaps coddling her too much. “All of you are my best friends and I don’t feel stronger about any of you over others.” Sakura said lovingly, “And you all feel the same.”

“Yeah…You’re right…” Lily sighed. “Sorry for being so childish.” She was defeated by Sakura’s argument. “I love everyone, and you all love me! The whole world loves Lily is what I like to say!” She said cheerily.

Sakura breathed a sigh of relief. Had she succeeded? Were they done with this argument?

“Okay, but if you HAD to choose---” Saki however didn’t give up. She never backed down in the face of defeat. She’d ride straight off of a cliff because she refused to break. So she’d continue pestering Sakura even if the conversation was over. “Would you choose Ai or Tae as your best friend? Since you knew them longer than the rest of us?” Saki pestered.

Sakura’s eyebrow twitched in annoyance. Sometimes Saki’s pushiness could be annoying and then she sometimes exploded. “Actually,” She said a high-pitch fake happy tone, “If we’re going for length of time I knew them, technically I knew Kotaro the longest.” Sakura accidentally said, forgetting that she was supposed to have known Ai BEFORE Kotaro. “So then he’d be my best friend by that logic!”

“You knew him one day longer than the rest of us.” Junko argued. “That’s barely anything!”

“That’s the same amount of time she knew Lady Tae before the rest of us. Well….We were mindless then too. Like her.” Yugiri pointed out.

“Ew. I didn’t know we were involving Mr. Tatsumi in this friendship debate.” Lily said. “I didn’t know we counted him.”

Sakura frowned, dejected, as it was proven to her, just like she suspected, that none of her friends accepted the idea of her and Kotaro being genuine friends. They didn’t like her answer.

“…You knew OF me before you knew Kotaro.” Ai reminded, “Even if our relationship wasn’t mutual at that point, it still meant something to you, and I feel like should be counted in time spent.” Suddenly Ai was no longer preaching about equal friendship, she HAD to beat Kotaro. “And from what you’ve told us of your story about your awakening, you met Tae before you met him!” She reminded, “She jumped you and scared you.”

Tae for some reason didn’t look nearly as offended as she had at the idea that Sakura liked Saki better. She looked at the wall dazed, more entranced by it than the argument itself.

“Oh! Oh yeah! Oops!” Sakura hit her head and laughed, “Hahaha, I forgot!” She stuck out her tongue like Kotaro sometimes did when he was deflecting. “I definitely saw Ai on the TV before I met Kotaro! Hahaha….” She soon changed the subject, but her stilted lies had seemed incredibly awkward to everyone.

Luckily her friends (even if sometimes they squabbled and were kinda annoying, just like Kotaro was sometimes) truly cherished her and knew that if they asked why she sounded like she was lying, she wouldn’t answer if she wasn’t ready to. They didn’t want to push her about her secrets, just like she wasn’t going to push Kotaro about his.

When Sakura was ready, she’d tell them what she meant by that, was what they thought. Because they were good friends. Just like Sakura assumed Kotaro would tell her when he was ready too.

A crushing truth that Sakura had wanted to deny hit her.

Kotaro’s NOT ever going to be ready. She realized.

It was after the charity concert that Sakura truly got annoyed and at her limit. Impatient. Frustrated. Kotaro had kabedoned her against the wall after she had thanked him. The atmosphere had been weird and made her stomach have these weird butterflies in it that made her feel fluttery and not something that she thought was normal to have around a childhood friend. But she had decided the excitement and delight at being close physically was because it was finally happening. They were going to go back to what they used to be. He was going to tell her.

It only hit her how desperate and impatient she was when he was practically pressing her against that wall. How she wanted him to grab her and…hug her maybe? She missed hugging Inui. Even if they hadn’t hugged quite as frequently as they grew older and that was more stigmatized for them to do because they were the opposite sex. She needed Kotaro to hold her tightly and for them to finally truly reunite.

She wanted to cry in his arms. She wanted for him to let her in, to understand him, why had he done this whole identity change thing, what was happening. She wanted him to promise that he wasn’t going to lie to her again. She wanted him to hold her the whole night in that mall, in the moonlight. There was a lot of things Sakura wanted.

And then her hopes came crashing down and Kotaro had instead made some bold declarations about making her famous around the world eternally. As he usually did. It was just more eccentric words.

And after he was done and had turned his back on her, he STILL hadn’t told her he was Inui.

The only reason Sakura didn’t pull him back and practically choke him in annoyance was that they were in the middle of a disaster and had bigger things to worry about. And for some reason her knees were shaking too much to chase after him and her cheeks burned like she was sick even though she was a zombie. Sick with frustration, maybe!

 God Dammit, Inui! Sakura thought covering her bright red face, as if to hide it, or maybe cool it down with her hands, maybe to scream into her hands in annoyance, she wasn’t sure. Why the HELL aren’t you telling me who you are??? Why isn’t he telling me??? Why is Kotaro not being honest with me??? She wanted to cry. Did he truly intend to continue this lie until the day he died? He was never going to tell her, was he? No matter how patient she was!

She wanted their old relationship back. She missed Inui. It hurt to miss him when he was right in front of her. She missed the relationship they had, where if she reached out to hold his hand, he’d squeeze her hand back because he was always right there by her side. The relationship they had where his smiles weren’t hidden from her eyes, where he didn’t hide a piece of himself. They were on equal footing and trusted each other. And Sakura had thought she proved herself to him that he could still trust her…and yet, he wasn’t giving that same trust back.

She was certain Kotaro was suffering under the weight of his secrets. It didn’t seem healthy to smile to himself only when he thought Sakura couldn’t see him or was focused on something else. It seemed sad to have to pretend to be angry all the time. And Sakura wondered….Should she go against his wishes and call him out? Tell him that she knew? How long could she go pretending she didn’t know anything and acting like she was blind to all his lies? She wasn’t like him. Keeping up this act was hard!

She wanted Inui back. She wanted her best friend back.

…Why did he even lie to me? That was the one thing Sakura didn’t understand. Inui was a very honest soul. Or at least he had been in her memories. A little too honest for his own good sometimes, showing Sakura his strangely drawn storyboards of her and Ai as superhero idols that were strange and poorly drawn with a genuinely bonkers story, but still…he was honest.

Was it part of his bargain to bring me back? That he couldn’t tell me who he was and had to sacrifice our relationship? Sakura wondered, still not really understanding how Inui had resurrected the dead. She didn’t think he’d ever explain that one. Sometimes she wondered if Kotaro even understood his own necromancy process or if it was too complex to explain. But if hiding his identity was essential to his bargain he really should have done a better job keeping things a secret!!! Why wouldn’t he tell me that for the last 10 years of his life he’s missed me and when he got the power to make a group of girls to save Saga, he used that power to bring me back so he could see me again….Why wouldn’t he want to tell me that he never gave up on me and still believed in me, even when the whole world turned their back on me? That the truck didn’t stop my dreams. Why wouldn’t he tell me that I’m still a dear friend to him? Sakura wondered. What he had done was just a sign of good friendship 101. Why couldn’t he carry that with pride?

There was nothing he had done that he should be ashamed of! It was actually a sign of something really beautiful that he had done this all for his friend. He was such a good friend. That was one of the things that kept Sakura from screaming from all of this, because Inui’s sincere and pure friendship made her feel safer and loved. Sakura was proud to have him as her friend.

She had never questioned once why Inui had brought her back to help her on the path to her dreams. He was just being her friend! A good friend. Her best friend forever. It was all out of the good of his heart and their friendship…That was it. Nothing more! Case closed!

Which is why she was frustrated that he didn’t want to immediately be friends again and continue their friendship. She couldn’t understand why he would throw their friendship aside and cast her away. Why was he pushing her away from him?

But after thinking about it long and hard, after his return from being missing for a time from the floods and then he had kabedoned her, while Sakura was pacing around the top of the staircase trying to calm down her fluttering heart and the butterflies in her stomach…Part of Sakura wondered if she was missing something very big about Kotaro.  

It was 2 am at night. Kotaro had left 2 hours ago and she was now resting her forehead against the wall he had kabedoned her at, thinking deeply and confident this position helped calm down her racing thoughts, when a thought hit her that somehow hadn’t before. Oh. She thought, Oh dear. She swallowed and blushed harder. What if….What if…. She twirled her finger around a strand of her hair, trying not to sound insane or worse hopeful, she didn’t need the situation more complicated than it was, as she worded the thoughts in her head again. What if Inui’s feelings for me aren’t as platonic as I thought? What if he didn’t do all of this because he’s being a good friend? There would be no reason to hide if he was just being a good friend…Nothing to be ashamed of. That thought HAD to be a foolish thought on her end. A truly idiotic thought that had to be delusional. Kotaro doesn’t LIKE me. I’d know if Kotaro liked me. Why would he like ME? He could do better! But part of it…made sense. It did seem like a reasonable motivation….

Normal friends didn’t sacrifice their life to grant their friends dreams. If friendship could resurrect the dead, death wouldn’t exist at all.

No. Nope. No way. Kotaro’s older than me (now). I’m just some scrawny, gruesome looking teenager. He could date any man or woman he wanted. He’s HANDSOME. There’s no way Inui fell for me. Before or after my death….She wasn’t an appealing partner. That was why Inui being in love with her had never occurred to her before as a motivation. Because it didn’t make sense. Thinking he liked her made her feel like she was delusional, like she hoped something was going to happen that never would. People didn’t have crushes on Sakura! She was an unlucky, depressed, failure! Why would Inui like her?  He wouldn’t!

Inui never acted like he was into me…Wouldn’t I be able to notice if he was into me? He’d have asked me out or complimented my looks (in ways that weren’t “you look like you’ll succeed as an idol.”) and he didn’t! So he wasn’t into me in high school! Sakura thought confidently.

It couldn’t be that he developed romantic feelings for her over time, just like his Saga fanatism had grown in the years apart, right? But 10 years had passed between them…Inui was much older than her, whether she liked it or not. There were sections of his life she had not been able to accompany him to and things he had achieved that she hadn’t been at his side to celebrate.

She felt lonely when she thought about the time that had passed between them and the distance now between them. How even if she tried to deny it…Inui had changed. Kotaro’s love of Saga was proof of it. So him having new emotions that hadn’t been there before made some sense….She supposed.

But she was dead! He couldn’t fall in love with a dead girl! This notion of romantic love between them had to be stupidity on her end, right?

It was just her delusion.

“So, I’ve been watching this really interesting anime---” Sakura started poking into if Kotaro’s feelings were romantic or platonic, by being subtle in her line of questioning, to catch Kotaro off guard. She was chatting energetically to the other girls after the morning meeting ended, during the time that the girls would usually sit in the living room to get their makeup done by Kotaro. It was a every morning affair and essential. Besides their morning meetings it was the most consistent time they spent with Kotaro. “And I’ve kinda dived into the rabbit hole of online discourse, honestly. There’s a lot of internet arguments on if the main characters are just good friends or romantic. And I’m not too sure myself, honestly…Can you all help give me your thoughts?” Sakura asked.

“Sure.” Ai nodded, “But I’m not really as fandom oriented of a person as you…So I feel like my impressions aren’t going to be as nuanced as yours, Sakura.”

“We’ll try to offer our insight though! I’m a master of insight myself!” Saki bragged.

“Yep, yep! And it’s fun sometimes to have big discussions about unimportant things!” Lily agreed.

In the background Kotaro grabbed Tae to try to prevent her from fleeing getting her makeup put on. He was probably listening, even if he pretended not to be, pretending to be solely focused on Tae. Because Sakura was speaking. Inui was the type of person who would always listen to his friends.

“So, the two main characters were friends. Character B wanted to support Character A in their endeavors and dreams. Character B didn’t have a lot of friends aside from Character A, so obviously character B got a bit attached to character A and the two became close.”

“Okay…” Saki nodded, listening close.

“But then Character A died. And then Character B spent the next…8-12 years, I don’t really get the math---” Sakura tried to fib her numbers a bit and give herself some wiggle room, so Kotaro wasn’t suspicious. “--trying to bring her back to life.” Sakura nodded. “And people online are arguing about whether this was done because character B is in love with Character A, or if Character B is just an incredibly good friend, spending a giant chunk of their life for Character A’s benefit.” Sakura said. “Thoughts?”

“Hard to tell.” Lily admitted, “I need more information. What’s the anime called? Maybe I’ve heard about it!” She offered.

“Uhhhhhhh….” Sakura grimaced. She HAD looked up several anime that fit into this analogy ahead of time, but if she said the anime name and Kotaro happened to know the anime he wouldn’t answer what he thought about that idea in general, he’d answer based on what he knew of the anime. And Sakura didn’t want that. She wanted him to give himself away. She crossed her hands and looked down on it, trying to play up her embarrassment at being confused if they were friends or not. “I’ll tell you the name of the anime after getting some unbiased insight. Since some of you might have heard of it…” Sakura admitted. She looked directly at Lily. “Personally, I think it’s just a very good romantic friendship---”

“So like friends AND in love??? Why do you need to choose if you’ve chosen both already?” Saki asked, scratching her head.

“No, no, no. A romantic friendship means close friends. It’s like the same sort of romance that is said in fairytales or poems, that just seem larger than life in general, but isn’t actually a romantic relationship.” Sakura quickly corrected. “I think character B tried so hard to save character A out of friendship. Friendship is such a pure and wonderful thing, so I think it would totally make sense to have a motive like that. Friends are forever but lovers are temporary after all. And wouldn’t it be normal to do everything you can to save your best friend?” Sakura argued. “After all, everyone is taught that you’re supposed to do everything you can to save a friend in need. I think it makes sense if someone actually lived up to that message…in anime.” Sakura pitched.

Saki looked deep in thought for a moment from the words that Sakura was speaking. Sakura assumed she was thinking about Reiko, and all that she and Reiko would do for each other.

She gets me. She gets how hard you’d fight for a friend. That’s huge to Saki’s character! But at the same time, Reiko didn’t resurrect her. Reiko didn’t even try. What makes Inui so different from Reiko? Sakura wondered.

“Hey, Sakura?” Saki asked, rubbing the crick in her neck from thinking too hard. “Did you ask us for opinions so that we could back you up in an internet fight???” Saki asked. “It kinda seems like you’ve already MADE an opinion and don’t need ours. And sure, I can TOTALLY flame trolls and fight for you if you want. I am totally down to be mean on the internet and get into petty arguments over nerd shit if it’s to help a friend, but it kinda feels like you don’t HONESTLY want our actual opinion….” Usually Saki wasn’t that insightful. Sakura winced and wondered if she had done something wrong if Saki was finding her question suspicious.

…She’s right though that I don’t want HER opinion…Just his. She tried not to eye Kotaro.

“I do! I do!!! I’m not in any internet arguments! I’m genuinely curious! Because I really can’t understand why anyone would think it was a romance story. Please! I want to hear your thoughts!” She pleaded, “I like for things to be a discussion instead of an angry internet argument so I can come to understand different views that aren’t my own.” She explained. She pretended to cover her eyes with her hands. “Um…Uhhh…” She pretended to randomly pick one of her friends with her hand to call on, swinging her hand around wildly until it ‘coincidentally’ landed on Tae and Kotaro battling it out on the floor as he attempted to brush out some of her hair. She uncovered her eyes. “Oh! Kotaro. What do you think?” She said curiously.

“ME!!!???? You’re asking what I think!??” Kotaro asked, surprised she had called on him.

“Yep. Finger landed on you. Well, you and Tae. But Tae can’t talk. Are character A and B lovers or friends?” She pestered trying to ask him quickly so he’d have to respond on the fly before he could think up some lie.

“I think you’re a dumbass.” Kotaro growled, pretending to focus on Tae as she bit down on his arm. “Why would I care about internet fights over anime couples????”

“Oh. So you think they’re a couple?” Sakura asked, realizing he had accidentally shown his cards.

“I wasn’t LISTENING.” Kotaro lied. “But I’ll choose whatever you didn’t! So lovers! Obviously! Duh! Because the universal truth of the world is Sakura is an idiot so thus it must be the opposite of what you think.” He mocked, not showing his true opinions and just choosing to be mean instead.

“Why?” Sakura pestered.

“Didn’t you hear me??? Because you’re an idiot!” Kotaro repeated, as if that should be enough of an answer already.

“I can repeat the information I gave if you need me to…” Sakura offered. “Would it help if I added the anime takes place in Saga????” She tried to bait.

Kotaro frowned. “I don’t remember Yuri on ice having a plot like that…”

“Ugh! It didn’t REALLY take place in Saga. I was trying to capture your interest a little by involving your favorite thing.” Sakura admitted. “There’s not that many Saga based anime so of course it didn’t actually take place in Saga…”

“Not yet there isn’t.” Kotaro sighed, and she could almost see a tear slide down his cheek dramatically. Could he cry on demand??? Inui never had that skill! Why was he always so overdramatic?

Hopefully the argument about Saga would ease his suspicions though.

“Fine. I guess since you’re SOOO invested in my opinion, probably because I’m the smartest here---”

“You’re not. You’re just the oldest.” Ai growled. “That’s why she wants your opinion.”

“He’s not the most mature though, Ai…” Junko snarkily added.

Ai snickered. Kotaro glared at them both.

“Actually, Tae’s older than me!” Kotaro said casually, and that almost distracted Sakura from questioning Kotaro because how the heck old was Tae then??? “But to reward you for essentially writing a fanfic about this anime except making it take place in Saga and thus 1000 times better, I’ll give you a real answer.” Kotaro offered.

Sakura looked excited.

“You didn’t really give us enough information to make an informed decision on if they’re lovers or friends, to be honest,” Kotaro said, “None of us have seen how they act, so we can’t truly observe how the writers were trying to portray the relationship.” He said like a true movie buff.

I made a mistake…I forgot he was a nerd. I don’t think there’s detailed character analysis and discussions on motives in the monster movie genre though!!! Sakura thought. But Kotaro was talking like he was so smart.

“But still, WHO THE HELL SACRIFICES THAT MUCH OF THEIR LIFE JUST FOR A FRIENDSHIP?” Kotaro yelled, as if yelling would make Sakura understand that she was an idiot. “That sounds kinda obsess-y and not like the pure friendship you described. Not only that but do you know how often a dead wife is used as a character motive in media??? A lot! Usually by supervillains instead of heroes to be fair, of ‘oooh I’m going to resurrect my dead wife and destroy the world in the process, bwahaha.’” Kotaro quoted, “But same difference! Even if it’s main characters this time!”

“So…Your expertise as a movie watcher says it’s a romantic relationship.” Sakura repeated, wondering a little now how frequently Kotaro sought out ‘dead wife’ media.

“Yep!” Kotaro said confidently.

“Well, maybe they acted like friends before her death.” Lily pointed out.

“There is NO way those feelings are platonic!” Kotaro huffed, now wanting to prove himself right over all else. “Let me tell you, even if the feelings were friendship before the time of death, if you spend that long obsessing over someone the feelings morph into something different and romantic over time. Naturally. But also character B probably wouldn’t have taken up the mantle of trying to bring back Character A if they weren’t already in love with her. Most friends, when a friend dies, grieve and do not try to do insane things. Just ask Saki!” Kotaro pointed. “Since Reiko did that.”

“We’re talking about FICTION. Not real life.” Saki growled. “Stop using Reiko in your anime couple argument!”

“It has to be love that caused character B to act that way. Love is the most insane emotion of them all.” Kotaro nodded, “It could totally make someone spend 8-12 years in an anime bringing back the dead!” He smirked, “But I totally get that you’re too young and innocent to see the ways of the world of love…” Kotaro said, “You and Lily have never been in love so of course you wouldn’t be able to see it in anime characters.” He said confidently.

Which seemed to suggest Kotaro HAD been in love. And the idea that Inui had fallen in love with someone after her and then gotten over it by the time of her resurrection was just too painful to even consider.

“You don’t know what I and Sakura have felt.” Lily said annoyed, as Kotaro tried to pick fights instead of giving a normal opinion.

“Fine. I’ll relent that I don’t know what you feel, Lily. But I’m confident about Sakura!!! She’s too hyperfocused on idols to ever feel the world of romantic love! She has had 0 romantic experience. 100%.”

Sakura to her horror saw Junko, Ai, Yugiri and Saki awkwardly nodding in agreement, as if they agreed with Kotaro for once. It was embarrassing!

“Love is not her area of expertise, and thus based on her dumbassery, I will always choose the opposite of her when it comes to guessing romantic feelings!” Kotaro said, laughing out loud as if he enjoyed mocking Sakura and insulting her.

If Sakura was going to take him at face value, she’d probably be annoyed and insulted. But she had pitched this question so she could understand him. She absorbed everything he said, and did not act insulted. “So you don’t think it’s possible for someone to try to save someone else’s life because of a very strong friendship?” She repeated. She changed the question to ‘save someone’s life’ instead of the original pitched ‘revive the dead’ to not make him suspicious.

“Not if they spend a crazy long time on it and don’t give up after the first year!” Kotaro argued. “That seems irrational. And irrational stuff like that only comes about from love. Does character B want to revive character A so they can spend more time together? Or is it because they want character A to be happy and to have the life they were supposed to have?” Kotaro asked.

“…They want Character A to have the life they were supposed to have, if she hadn’t died.” Sakura answered. Becoming a famous idol was the life she should have had. She was certain Inui thought she’d have succeeded on her own if the truck hadn’t intervened.

“Bingo! Love then! That sort of selflessness is only born out of love!” Kotaro said, “Character B probably also wants to spend more time with character A, but probably doesn’t want to burden her with their feelings. Saving character A is probably the most important thing to them. Kinda co-dependent but anime don’t have the healthiest relationships.” He criticized.

Sakura tried her hardest not to scream. To force a smile and awkwardly nod, saying ‘mmhmm’ as he talked. I guess that proves it…Kotaro is in love with me. She had concrete proof now that his feelings were not platonic.

It didn’t matter what her other friends thought about the scenario. The only opinion that mattered was Kotaro’s. This was a test. Because if Kotaro thought 10 years saving someone’s life = insane love, it must have meant insane love to him specifically. The fact that he refused to believe it was friendship, even if he pretended he refused to believe it because Sakura said it was friendship was a sign that he couldn’t fathom someone confusing his feelings as platonic either. He had even basically said Sakura was a dense idiot, likely because he found it a little funny that she couldn’t figure him out (and now she was kinda feeling like an idiot, if it was that obvious to him that he could tease her about not knowing about romance.)

She listened patiently at her other friends answers, pretending to be interested, but she had gotten what she wanted and didn’t really care about their thoughts. At the end of the discussion she threw out the name of the series she had used as her scapegoat. “Madoka Magica.” She said. She watched Kotaro’s face light up with relief that she really did in fact have an anime she was talking about, and then his expression changed to one of superiority that he had been VERY right.

“Yeah. That proves it. You’re an idiot.” Kotaro nodded, smugly.

Ai groaned and rubbed her forehead and Kotaro pulled her hand away so she wasn’t smudging his makeup job (it was her turn for her makeup to be done.) “People will always argue if two girls are friends and romantic. I don’t know why they can’t see it when things are obvious. Sakura! It’s OBVIOUS they are in love! I hate to agree with Kotaro, but it really is dense of you to not see that…” She sighed, “I guess your romantic views are a little too…standard though.” She tried to say politely that Sakura’s views were very heterosexual, even though she was annoyed now at the wasted time they had spent on this debate.

“I guess so…” Sakura sighed, “I was wrong.” Everyone nodded in agreement that Sakura was very wrong. “I guess Homura does love her….” She looked directly at Kotaro, not truly meaning Homura as she sighed. “Why hasn’t Homura told Madoka though that she loves her??? I can’t understand that. If she’s in love with her why not express it? I’m sure Madoka would be happy to be loved…”

“Censorship.” Ai guessed. “People would be in a fit if two girls were explicitly romantic with each other, so they have to get as much as they can done with just coding. It’s pretty obvious from promo stuff that they’re relationship is romantic though…”

“But why won’t Homura let it be mutual?” Sakura pushed that question again.

Ai shrugged. She didn’t know.

“But Sakura,” Junko piped up. “Homura DID say she loved Madoka during the movie! To Kyubey! Remember?” Junko reminded. Sakura had no clue HOW Junko had watched Madoka Magica. Junko was too old for that newer style of anime, especially magical girl deconstructions. She put that question aside for now though. “So if she can express her love openly how can it be a censorship thing?” She argued to Ai.

Ai shrugged again, not taking the bait and squabbling with Junko.

“Idk.” Saki said, saying the letters out loud. “Madoka’s a God now, so confessing doesn’t really matter anymore, right?” Saki reminded. “I would assume Godoka knows about Homura’s feelings. They had that naked hug, after all.”

“I need to watch this ‘Madoka Magica.’” Yugiri said, interested after a naked embrace was mentioned.

“She’s probably worried Madoka will kill herself.” Kotaro guessed, saying something different then the rest. “She has gone through 100 different time loops. I’m sure a few of those she saw Madoka commit suicide.” He shrugged. “That would explain why she doesn’t confess.”

Ugh. Now he’s actually analyzing Madoka Magica lore for real instead of his own feelings! Sakura thought, frustrated.

“Madoka never kills herself on screen.” Sakura argued. “So it can’t be that.”

Kotaro threw his hands up in defeat. “Okay then! Maybe Homura got so deep into her lies that she realized there would be no good in telling Madoka about the time loop! Maybe she fears Madoka rejecting her after all she’s done! Maybe she can’t tell what’s reality and unreality anymore because her nightmares of Madoka rejecting the time loop explanation and asking her to give up is something she can’t bear to withstand in reality. That she doesn’t remember if she lived a loop where that actually happened. I don’t know!” Kotaro threw out some theories. “I don’t care. Confessing to Madoka isn’t as important to Homura as saving Madoka, right??? I don’t think telling Madoka her feelings and being girlfriends is her goal. I think saving Madoka and letting her live a normal life is what’s most important to her. Does that explanation help to get it through your thick skull???” Kotaro asked, “People can be in love without wanting anything in return or pursuing an end goal of confession!” Kotaro claimed, finishing up the girl’s makeup he was currently on. “Next!” He ordered.

As they moved on from the Madoka Magica discussion (especially since her friends were now harshly judging Sakura for not picking up on the yuri) it occurred to Sakura how LONG 10 years truly was. 2008 to 2018 had felt like nothing to her. She had just blinked and it was over. But Kotaro was alive, existing, learning necromancy or whatever he needed to become an idol manager. For Kotaro 10 years was probably eons. A very long time. Madoka didn’t experience the horror of 100 time loops. The time spent by Homura was nothing to her, just like the time Kotaro had spent without her was nothing to Sakura. It was…painful, realizing that.

Is Kotaro swallowing all his lies for my sake because of his romantic feelings for me? Sakura wondered. Was that why he had created this false identity? Because bringing a friend back to life was pure-hearted, but bringing a lover back…It was a bit more selfish. It suggested that he needed her in his life because he couldn’t bear living without her. He wanted to be someone next to her. Her resurrection had been as much for his sake as her sake, and he knew it.

Kotaro was just like Homura. He couldn’t live in a world where she was gone. He had dedicated all his time, energy and emotions to bringing Sakura back. He hadn’t just brought her back on a whim. Reviving the dead wasn’t an impulsive decision. He had done everything he could to get to this point. Just like Homura had.

Inui….He might be a lot more broken than I thought he was…Her heart wept for him.

Were they even friends in Kotaro’s eyes? Or had he sacrificed their friendship, just like he had sacrificed a potential of a romantic relationship between them, solely focused on Sakura’s life itself instead of his own solitude. Homura had stopped trying to be Madoka’s friend after a certain point. Sakura assumed Kotaro was the same. Fighting huge giant battles for her sake and continuing to fight for Sakura’s right to exist because she was supposed to be dead. Because if he stopped fighting, he feared the loop ending and Sakura disappearing again.

He was so focused on that instead of the girl in front of him. Doing things different had never crossed his mind. It wasn’t an option he could afford to entertain. Kotaro Tatsumi likely existed to hide Inui’s romantic feelings and to prevent any chance of a relationship forming between them.

After 10 long years…Rejection might no longer be an option for Kotaro. Being told to give up is his nightmare. He might not survive rejection. Just like Homura, the moment he gives up, he destroys himself and might die. And anyway, like he had said, after 1 year a normal person would have given up. But his love is insane by his own definition. I think it’s impossible for him to give up and get over me. Kotaro couldn’t let go of Sakura, just like Homura couldn’t let go of Madoka, or else she’d become a witch and stop functioning. Somewhere inside Kotaro, he was terrified of the idea of Sakura abandoning him. He purposefully had made it so he and Sakura were as unentwined as possible so there was nothing Sakura could reject or pull away from, because he couldn’t survive it. His identity change had been as much for his sake as hers protecting her from the weight of his secrets. Rejection might be too much for Kotaro’s broken soul to bear…

His logic was probably simple. Sakura COULDN’T reject him if he never confessed. His feelings must remain a secret from her. And yet Sakura had figured them out anyway, because Kotaro was very bad at keeping his own secrets and she was the person who watched him the most.

It wasn’t like Inui ever confessed he loved me either though! And that was BEFORE he made himself insane, bringing me back! He never tried to be something with me back when we were both normal people! She still couldn’t figure out why Inui wasn’t in love with her and yet Kotaro was.

And then it hit her, why Inui had never tried.

Oh. I told him I wanted to be an idol…She thought quietly, as the weight of an idol suddenly crushed her instead of warmly embracing her as it usually did. There were some bad things about being an idol. Namely, that idols COULDN’T date. Dating was career ending.

And one of the things that Inui and Kotaro both had, was that they didn’t want to hinder Sakura’s dreams. They were both so self-sacrificing and would always choose Sakura’s desires over their own. After her terrible depression, Inui obviously couldn’t tell her not to be an idol. That would be controlling, and he wanted her to be happy. She was finally smiling again and he’d do anything to preserve that smile. She could absolutely see Inui’s romantic love as very pure and agape. He was that sort of person. It was harder to see Kotaro having romantic feelings that were agape in nature, but that was simply because he had a very stern cover and tried to pretend, he didn’t care about Sakura’s desires. But when she thought about things harder, it was definitely true for him too that his affections were very agape in nature.

Kotaro cares more about my dream, than his dream of us being together. Sakura realized. The lies were there so he could continue being her manager. A manager and idol she supposed COULD be friends, but a manager and idol shouldn’t date. His feelings were not under the normal managerial feelings. A manager couldn’t play favorites and love his idol. So to make Sakura’s dream a reality he had sacrificed those feelings.

Kotaro would continue to age. Kotaro would die someday. Kotaro would leave Sakura all alone. Kotaro probably knew that. His love for her was so pure, that he wanted to prevent her from grieving him. She’d obviously grieve her best friend, Inui, so he could no longer be Inui. He knew from experience how painful it was to lose someone you loved, and he wanted to save Sakura from that experience.

That was why he had lied to her.

After 2 years, Sakura finally understood it and him for the first time.

You idiot…Sakura thought, trying to hold back her tears after having her epiphany. It was such a painful truth that Kotaro loved her. This wasn’t the reason for why he had done things that she wanted at all…She didn’t know what reason she did want, really she just wanted him to tell her the truth, but now the truth felt painful.

He hadn’t acted out of purehearted friendship like she had wanted. Kotaro held onto every secret for her sake. His feelings were much purer than she had ever imagined, without the equality that she had always thought they had, and filled with more affection than she could ever conceive of.

I would have grieved your death even if we weren’t together, you DUMBASS! Sakura wanted to scream, covering her ears as if she could hide away from the truth. Inui always has to make things harder though!

She now understood how his mind worked, but at what cost? She was faced with her sins and how deeply she had broken Kotaro, forcing him into a role where he had to lie because he thought it was the only way to make sure he didn’t lose her. His feelings were so heavy and painful. She sucked in a breath and tried harder and harder not to cry, to swallow it all in, like Kotaro often did.

Idols and managers couldn’t be together. She understood how he had reached the solutions he had, why he had taken that path now. He was preserving Inui and Sakura’s friendship by not tainting it with the truth that Inui was in love with her, that Inui had become something different, that their relationship was not mutual. He tried to keep her memories intact and unmarred, while ensuring Sakura got no closer to Kotaro at the same time. Every single action and move had been calculated to save her from any pain, even if the cost was him enduring that pain all by himself…

“What do I do? What do I do?” Sakura muttered to herself, experiencing her entire universe being turned upside-down.

“You just sit there while I do your makeup like you usually do.” Kotaro said gripping her jaw, hard and slightly annoyed that she had forgotten how to get her makeup done, having no idea about what Sakura was actually thinking about.

As she stared into Kotaro’s sunglasses, trying to be good for him and still, trying not to clue him in about what she had figured out, a thought occurred to her. What do I…Feel about Inui? About Kotaro? It was a question she had never asked herself before, because the answer was obvious. They were her very best friend who she loved. But now the truth of their friendship had been torn apart.

And it occurred to her as she looked at his beautiful face, frowning as it always did…It was cruel of her to rip open his bandages just to stab him again in the heart if she told him that she had figured out he was Inui. If she didn’t plan on returning his feelings she should just get used to swallowing his lies and no matter how frustrated she was at those lies, she should accept that he would always be ‘Kotaro’ to her and she would always just be his ‘idol’ to him. No matter how impatient she was, that lie needed to remain if she was going to do what he most feared: reject him. She had gotten complacent in his lies, and it was the right thing to do to continue their dance of pretend, that what they had was normal and different than it actually was.

What…I’ve always wanted from him…Is to be my best friend. That’s what we are. What we’ve always been. What I assumed we always would be. Change was hard. Especially to Sakura who had always been punished for trying something new. But the dream of being friends again was impossible if what Inui wanted wasn’t her friendship.

If he could only be a friend to her, she should do nothing, and just continue the course they had already been on.

So…Not saying anything, doing nothing different, was what she did as he finished up her makeup, giving her a satisfied nod now that he had finished. “Perfect! My own work astounds me everyday. As it always does! It’s hard to improve upon perfection, and yet I always do, I continue to grow to make you all look like actual girls instead of monsters!” He said proudly, tugging on Sakura’s bottom lip to make sure he had gotten the underside and that she looked normal.

Kotaro’s touch made her body heat up. But she made no reaction from it.

Doing nothing, even if he was suffering, was the right thing to do. Because talking to him would only make him feel worse.

She’d preserve Inui and Sakura’s friendship by going along with his lies. Kotaro was a different person. She would not make things worse for him.

…This was the right thing to do, right? She cared for him as a friend, which meant she could do nothing for him. She could not confront him on anything. For his sake.

This is definitely the right thing to do…She wasn’t as confident as she would have liked to be.

“How would you feel if I started dating Kotaro?” Sakura asked the other girls that very night because she immediately contradicted herself and changed her own mind.

She COULDN’T just continue watching him hurt himself, was what she had decided. The question had just popped out of her mouth as she laid down to bed, and only heard what she herself had said after it was already said. She briefly regretted what she had asked, because she hadn’t really thought about it, but it was too late now. She pulled her blanket over her mouth as if to hide from the shame.

Everyone stared at her, completely judgmentally, in their own beds. Sakura’s face burned in shame.

“…Hypothetical question, right?” Lily asked, slowly.

“Did…” Yugiri sat up, thinking about how to phrase this, “Did Lord Kotaro do or say something that made you entertain this line of thought?”

Sakura thought about that one. I realized he was in love with me, but that didn’t do anything to change my feelings towards him…Did he do something to make me entertain the idea of dating? Was it just knowing he liked her that naturally made her like him better? She had heard that was a psychological phenomenon that made people fall in love sometimes. Or was it just the way his mouth squirmed when he was watching her, and how hard he attempted to frown when she was looking at him. He had a very cute face. Sakura realized because he had been her ‘friend’ for so long, she hadn’t noticed that. Or maybe it was the fact that the idea of him suffering made her heart break repeatedly as if his pain was her own.

“Was it insulting you over your Madoka Magica opinions???” Saki asked, completely confused.

“Yeah. What…What got this line of hypothetical question, Sakura?” Ai asked, having sat up as soon as Sakura had said such a bizarre question, shivering nervously. “Were you thinking about some sort of manager x idol anime and trying to understand if it was romantic or platonic, like you were with madoka magica?” Ai teased. “Maybe we can help debate an anime opinion instead of having to test it out yourself.” She joked.

“Oh!” Junko clapped, realizing Ai’s words must be the truth. “Creamy Mami had an idol x manager relationship!” She said excitedly, feeling like she was on the same page as everyone else. “I’ve been watching some anime closer to the date I died. I like that one. It has Showa idols, Sakura! You should try that one.” She suggested.

“Thanks.” Sakura said awkwardly, not really interested in watching a new anime. She was not as into anime as she had pretended to be to test Kotaro. She was however into one manager, no, she still wasn’t certain of that. It still felt weird and prickly to think of Kotaro as cute. It gave her goosebumps everywhere and made her squirm.

“To answer your question, if you SERIOUSLY dated Shades, I would check your brain for maggots!” Saki said protectively, “It would clearly be rotting to make you do that. If you wanted to die or be in pain, I could just beat you up, Sakura! It would be less painful than dating him.” She offered. “Just as stupid though.” She added.

Sakura sighed, sitting up and hugging her knees. All of her friends (sans Tae who seemed to have no problem with the idea and nodded and clapped and then flopped onto bed again because she was tired, chewing on the pillow instead of dealing with this. This was why Tae was so amazing. But she also didn’t quite know if Tae even understood the concept of dating,) seemed to be equally as unsupportive about the idea and now were looking at her worriedly like she had gone crazy.

Her friend’s opinions of her were about to sink down even lower too. Lower than her classmates’ opinions of her had probably sunk after she had gotten hit by a truck because she had been too excited and hadn’t looked both ways before crossing the street.

“I’m thinking of asking Kotaro out…” Sakura admitted, chewing on her thumb nervously, because she didn’t want to be a liar (unlike Kotaro). And she wanted her friends help in her time of need.

This is the solution. She realized. The only solution she could find. Her gut knew the course of action she should take better than her heart and brain did. Either they moved forward, as Inui and Sakura: lovers, or they remained Number 1 and Kotaro: idol and manager, for eternity. That was the only two possibilities Kotaro would accept.

Sakura knew Kotaro WOULDN’T accept Sakura knowing the truth about him without some sort of assurance that she wouldn’t leave him. He would self-destruct and transform into a witch, just like Homura had, if he was forced to face the truth. That Sakura knew. Or he’d be able to withstand it if Sakura was by his side eternally, promising him what he probably wanted deep down: her love.

Kotaro couldn’t stop being in love. Kotaro was the type who wouldn’t budge an inch. In a battle of change, Sakura would always lose. Her feelings were more likely to change over Kotaro’s. If someone was going to move forward and make things between them different it would have to be Sakura, because Kotaro was too stubborn.

Sakura didn’t want him to have to lie for the rest of his life. And she was now certain, more than she had ever been, that if she was patient, he would never tell her the truth. The time she was waiting for was never going to happen. The only way she could converse to Kotaro about his past and who he was, was if they were dating.

It’s my turn to do what I can for him. To give him his dreams. The best part was that she realized she didn’t necessarily MIND being lovers with him. It wouldn’t be nearly as much suffering as he had endured for her, nor the biggest sacrifice for his happiness. Inui’s my best friend. If he insists he’s chosen me as the woman he loves over all else, well…I’m dead! I’m not ever going to sink any lower in his eyes. That’s some amazing devotion of his and his feelings are not going to change. I need to believe him that there’s no one better for him than me, if he’s chosen that for himself. Sakura decided. She wanted to pay back his affections by returning all he had given her. It was the only thing she could do for him. She didn’t know if it would be tough to try to return his love, or how she could fall in love with him though. All she knew was that she didn’t think it would have been so bad if he had decided to kiss her that day during the floods, in the moonlight. Part of her wished he had.

They were always meant to be together forever. She had thought Inui and her had been meant to be together forever as friends, after she realized he was Kotaro, but maybe she had been wrong. She felt grateful to him for loving her. More grateful than she had felt to him for resurrecting her and making her an idol even. That was how weirdly happy being loved made her feel. I’m going to do what I can to save him now and return his affections, at the same amount he has given me. I want to pay him back. I don’t want us to be miserable. She decided, feeling a sense of calm at the knowledge that she knew what she wanted to do to solve this issue.

Maybe if she was stupid and selfish, she would be fine with just being manager and idol, swallowing his lies and lying to herself until she too believed them. But they hadn’t been normal for a very long time. Since that night at the observatory, their relationship had not been a standard manager and idol relationship. No perhaps it had never been. Sakura could no longer see it as ever being normal without being bathed in the light of romance.

There was silence. No response from her friends. A minute passed. And then another.

“I said I’m thinking of asking Kotaro out.” Sakura repeated.

“OH. I thought I hallucinated that!” Saki admitted.

“It was a mass delusion.” Lily nodded.

“I had hoped I was half-asleep…” Ai agreed.

“That can’t be what she really said!” Junko insisted, wanting to believe in Sakura.

“Are you really serious??? Really fuckin serious??? For real???” Saki asked, horrified. “WHY!???”

“That’s….Yeah.” Ai nodded, trying to be nice about it. “That’s not going to go well, Sakura…You know that, right?”

“Because he’s a jackass! He’d be a shitty boyfriend!” Saki accused.

“Well that too,” Ai agreed, “But I was trying to be more responsible than screaming at her.” She criticized. “Saying he’s an asshole might not convince her. Logic will.” She decided, determined to save Sakura from making a bad choice. “Sakura. He’s our manager.” She reminded. “Idol and managers can’t date. Even if they have in some anime. Anime isn’t the same as real life. Didn’t you learn that today while we were discussing Madoka Magica? Nobody would actually do what Homura did.” She tried to use an example, and smiled at her, hoping it convinced Sakura.

Kotaro would…Sakura stopped herself from saying.

“He’s alive.” Junko said quietly, and Junko’s words probably hurt the most because Kotaro being alive and her not being alive was a painful reality to them both. “I love you, Sakura…But I’m…I’m not quite sure if your affections will be returned?” She admitted, “I don’t think the living and the dead can date.” She glanced nervously at Ai, as if for a moment she was recalling how she feared Ai would leave them for Shiori, but now she had come to a point that she was sure that could not happen. Maybe Kotaro and Sakura dating would throw her back into insecurity that Ai would choose a living girl, and although usually Sakura would be sympathetic, Kotaro and her lifestyle shouldn’t affect Junko’s. Junko would have to deal with that herself. Kotaro’s problems were her main focus.

“You deserve better.” Lily chimed up. “Not only would he be a bad boyfriend like Saki said, but you’ll probably get rejected!” She said worriedly, “And I’m sorry but NONE of us want to see you depressed and crying in the attic again because Mr. Tatsumi was a jerk with bad taste in women and broke your heart!” Lily snapped, worriedly. “None of us want to take that risk so we’ll speak harshly to save you from hurting yourself!” Yugiri hugged her and stroked her hair to try to calm Lily down from the memories of Sakura ignoring them.

Tae snored, not caring about any of this. She was beyond this drama.

Yugiri stroked Lily’s head for a few moments, before her attention shifted to Sakura, and she stared at her. Sakura wondered if Yugiri too would tell her that Kotaro would be a bad boyfriend. None of them know him like I do. Inui would not be a bad boyfriend. They’re just believing the character he created is who he really is.

“Why?” Yugiri asked, “What made you consider that course of action?” She didn’t sound judgmental. She sounded like she was truly trying to understand Sakura’s mind. Sakura recognized that tone of voice because it was how she had often spoken to Kotaro, wanting him to let her in and help her understand him.

“Because he loves me.” Sakura blurted out, unable to keep what she had discovered in. “And I want more than anything for Kotaro to be happy.” She confessed, hoping that her friends would understand and accept it now.

Unfortunately, her friend’s expressions didn’t change. In fact they looked even less sympathetic than they had before. Are they jealous Kotaro’s in love with me? Do they think I’m bragging? Do they not care about his pain? I thought they liked him, even if they sometimes pretend they don’t! We all still care for Kotaro, even if he’s a bit of an idiot sometimes! Why do they not care if he’s suffering alone from unrequited love? Sakura wondered.

Yugiri got up from Lily’s side and walked over to Sakura quickly. She then leaned down and slapped her, trying to be lighter with her slap than she had been before, but it still hurt badly and Sakura’s head spun around and around from the slap.

“OW!” Sakura cried, forcing her head to stop twirling by grabbing it.

“I am sorry. I was trying to be lighter than last time.” Yugiri said.  

“What was that for???” Sakura cried.

“Do not date Lord Kotaro unless you love him.” Yugiri growled. And immediately Sakura felt guilt as she realized why her friends were looking at her with some disgust and frowning at her. Yugiri’s anger was for Kotaro’s sake. It was better to lecture her than watching her on the path of self-destruction. “Those sorts of lies, even if they come from a good place, always end up being exposed.”

“If you really think he’s in love with you, sacrificing yourself for his sake will only hurt him later down the line. I would hate to be in his shoes.” Junko said.

“You’re making me feel pity for him and I really dislike that.” Ai admitted, “Oh. Not that I think he does like you. Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure you’ve just read something wrong.” She assured. “But still, pretending to love someone is such a cruel sort of lie….Even if that person is Kotaro.”

Sakura rubbed her cheek. Yugiri’s right! Ugh…I didn’t realize how it sounded…Am…I sacrificing myself for Kotaro’s sake and doing something cruel? I know from experience how painful lies can be when they’re discovered! It’s what I’m going through right now! But even if she wasn’t in love, Yugiri didn’t understand how tightly wound together her and Kotaro’s destines were! She and the rest of the girls didn’t understand Sakura’s feelings and what they were for Inui.

“She’s delusional.” Lily said cheerfully. “Sorry, Sakura. You are! De-lu-sion-al!” She repeated and pointed.

Ai nodded, agreeing with her.

Saki looked away a bit embarrassed for Sakura’s sake. “I’ll try not to mention to Shades that you think he’s into you, but I can’t make any promises because that is a riot! But I really will try to contain it. Oh. But if I start laughing at random tomorrow it’s because that secret is trying to leak out.” She admitted.

“Please don’t tell him!” Sakura begged, “If you do, I’m not telling you any other secrets!” She blushed.

“Fine. I won’t.” Saki agreed. “I’m guessing you understand where you went wrong anyway, based on your eyes.”

She did. Tears burned in her eyes, filled with guilt. But it wasn’t guilt for wrongfully assuming Kotaro liked her. She felt guilty for almost doing something that hurt him. “Yugiri, you’re completely right. I’m sorry. I was acting foolish.” She confessed, “Thanks for slapping some sense into me."

"Anytime." Yugiri told her.

Desperation had forced her to act. She was desperate to fix their doomed narrative and future. In any way she could. She had been impatient, just like she always was and in the process had almost hurt him.

She needed to think calmer instead of feeling rushed. Needed to actually process and think about her own feelings for Kotaro instead of running away from them and avoiding them.

She’d go back to the drawing board until she fixed this.

Sakura went to Kotaro’s office after the other girls had gone to sleep. She sat in his office chair and read one of his diaries. His diaries lined the bookshelves. He hadn’t hidden them. When she had first awoken as a zombie she wondered why they weren’t hidden and easily accessible to all of the girls, but after reading them she had decided it was because they were the nonsensical ramblings of a madman. They offered no details about his character and told them absolutely nothing about how he had created any zombies or what he had done. They were all ravings and overdramatic. Sometimes when Saki was bored she liked to read them overdramatically, and unfortunately all of them had taken a crack at dramatically reading them because they were sort of humorous. They were addicting to read out loud and make fun of with friends.

Now Sakura finally understood why they were there and unhidden, because they offered another piece of fake evidence to the lie that Kotaro had created that Kotaro Tatsumi was a real person. How long had it taken to write all of them? How insane had he gone writing their lunacy solely for Sakura’s sake so she could be fooled? There were hundreds of entries. They didn’t cover one diary. There were 10 on the shelf. One for each year she realized. And each of them was filled with nonsense.

Sakura read them again, curled up on his office chair, hoping that perhaps reading them to herself would help her understand Kotaro’s deep love for her. She was sometimes mentioned but usually in the context of the zombieland project, and he never wrote the name Sakura.

A shambling mound of flesh, more dog than human, rises after all this time! The cries of her voice are no angels, her brethren follow after. I shall name her zombie number 1. She responds to nothing, not even the voices of legends. Will the zombie fall to ruin? Will she open her eyes? Or will Saga face destruction? All we can do is pray to Saga for her to begin her hero’s journey. The translation Sakura could draw was that nothing shook her out of her mindlessness, not even Ai Mizuno’s voice, and he wanted her to awaken and return to him.

She wasn’t quite sure if that entry was when he brought her back. The entries weren’t dated, and he had other entries that were unclear if that was the start of the project or if it was just his good morning message about how the zombies had finally opened her eyes and that meant it was a new day.

Lots of the entries were about a new technique he had tried on them, like they were test dummies. But Sakura realized it was just scientific entries on what he had tried to awaken her and return her soul dyed in the color of insanity to make it illegible to anyone that wasn’t him.

Every entry, now under the context he loved her, was filled with his desire to see her again, even if he had tried to hide it. It was eye-opening. It was something that nobody else could read except for him and now her.

They could be genuinely insane too, though… Sakura thought as she read about one entry that sounded sort of like he had thrown dog toys at all the zombies to see their reactions.

Sakura touched the place his ink from his pen had touched, caressing the pages with her fingertips, imagining the horrors he had endured to write them. “Kota…” She said softly. She so rarely used Inui’s first name. They weren’t that sort of relationship. That sort of closeness would have been common for same sex relationships or if they were family or dating. But they were just friends…

But we aren’t. We aren’t just friends anymore. Sakura thought. We spent more than 10 years together, even if I can’t remember it. We’re far closer than married individuals now, I think. Kota’s spent most of his life with me.

She repeated the question she needed to ask herself again, in her head, toying with it. Do I…love Kotaro? Am I in love with Kota? She wondered. She wanted to accept him. Save him. But parts of her still refused to accept that he loved someone like her. She couldn’t comprehend why he had suffered all this pain for someone like her. How it wasn’t friendship to him. Her instincts still wanted to deny that he loved her. Her brain loved her idea that he was just a purehearted good-natured friend and wanted to convince herself that he really had been talking about Madoka Magica when he had answered her question.

It was easier if he was just a friend.

Sakura wanted to be grateful to him. And that was it. That’s all she wanted to feel towards him. Because she was a coward. She didn’t truly want anything to change between them. Inui had always been there by her side, and she had gotten used to their friendship and comfortable. She feared that he would no longer be by her side in the same way if they were a romantic relationship. She didn’t want to lose him. The warmth he had by her side she feared would grow cold if he had to face that his fantasy wasn’t as amazing as reality and she didn’t live up to his expectations. There were so many things that could go wrong in a romantic relationship that wasn’t as risk-free as friendship. She wanted forever and it terrified her the idea that forever could be taken away.

Part of her was sure she could grow to love Inui. Perhaps a part of her already did and had just squashed those feelings whenever they had cropped up, like they were weeds in her heart. A romantic relationship with Inui felt like something natural to them, the natural next step to their relationship. Kotaro on the other hand…Even though she knew he was Inui; he had still changed a lot. She feared she couldn’t get there with Kotaro. Because for the last year all she had ever thought of about him was that he was her friend and that their friendship was special and not even death could change that.

Kotaro hadn’t confessed to her. He had never been honest with her. Nothing about Kotaro had changed. She had just discovered his motives. And Sakura worried that if she confronted Kotaro and forced him into a romantic relationship, the guilt of what she had done to him would strain that romantic relationship and destroy it. She had broken him and she wasn’t certain she could glue him back together, even with her love.

Part of her feared that Kotaro had chosen her as the person he loved, simply because she was the only one by his side. And once he had started this insane journey to get her back, he was too deep in to turn around and choose someone else. What if she was just a sunk cost fallacy and not real love?

Sakura was scared, and that was why it was hard to digest and think about if she had feelings for Kotaro Tatsumi.

Kotaro will never leave me if all he felt for me was friendship. But if he’s my lover he can break up with me. Things can end. Is that why I’m afraid to open my heart and let him in? She was probably just as desperate for forever as Inui was and had lied to herself about his feelings, because that was the easiest way to feel confident, he wouldn’t leave her.

10 years was a long time…Maybe she would have felt more confident in herself that she was worthy for Inui if she had grown by his side and been alive, maybe they could have talked out her insecurities that she was just a safe fantasy to him, but she hadn’t been there. They hadn’t been able to grow together. Inui had matured and she hadn’t.

Rejection was painful and she feared it just as much as Kotaro did, and didn’t have nearly as good a reason as him, that she would break into a million pieces if she lost him because she had gone insane in the years apart. She was just a normal girl who was afraid.

Kotaro found Sakura crying on his diary a little later that night. He heard sniffling from his office, the door cracked open and the lights on, and he had curiously opened the door to do his job as a manager and deal with that.

As soon as he confirmed it was Sakura like he had suspected, he jumped into action.

“Hey! Hey! Sakura!” Kotaro snapped his fingers to get her attention and bent down to be eye level with her. “What’s wrong? I come back home to discover not just that a zombie is hanging around in my office, but is CRYING and---wait, is that my super-secret diary in your hands that you really shouldn’t be reading at all, but I’ve accepted the fact that I can’t stop you???” Kotaro asked, “What happened?”

Sakura wiped at her eyes, trying to calm down and give Kotaro an answer.

“Oh! I got it!” Kotaro snapped his finger and smiled, deciding to assume the answer instead of waiting for Sakura’s response. Maybe he was trying to take the edge off by acting cheerful and confident for her sake. “Did you get into a fight with one of the other girls and you’re reading my PERSONAL info to de-stress?” He guessed, “Don’t lie and say you don’t do that. I’ve overheard you girls dramatically read my diary and start laughing, and although I am a little mad, we’ll get into that LATER.” Kotaro tried to put on his annoyed face, while still acting concerned. “It’s not super important right now!” Kotaro decided, “You can talk to me, you know! About what’s bothering you! I am your manager and I’m an adult and sometimes I’m reliable. It’s my job to help you!” He offered, almost putting his hand on Sakura’s free hand that rested on the armrest but pulling back.

“Why did you choose me?” Sakura asked, once she was sure Kotaro wouldn’t ramble and actually wanted an answer. “For the zombieland saga project?”

Kotaro frowned, realizing that she must have read something in his diary that made her insecure and put her in such a bad mood. “It’s not important. I’ll tell you later.” He promised, and Sakura knew he never intended to tell her. “Did those diary entries of mine make it seem like I don’t care about you because I used you like a lab rat in them?” Kotaro asked, touching her chin gently. Sakura wondered if he was going to tell her he did care. She had passed the point of hoping he’d be honest with her though. “I know on page 10 I start running science experiments on you!” He added, off-handedly in a tone that pretended to be easy-going.

I saw. The science details sounded very fake and vague and kinda like an overdramatic fictional story. Like he was larping. Sakura thought. “I saw…” Sakura said awkwardly.

Kotaro sighed assuming that yes, the science experiment diary entries had caused her to cry. “I DO care, Sakura.” He insisted and Sakura’s heart did a flip when he told her that, gently holding her chin in his hand to keep her gaze on him, keep her from running away. “Sure! I DID use you as a guineapig because you’re the only non-legend.” He added, “But I also used you as a guineapig because I care.” He insisted like he was the head of a company saying he had treated an employee badly for their best-interest. Sakura frowned. “I know it’s confusing, but I believed you’d wake up and teach the other girls to be human beings again and be their trailblazer. That you’d lead this pack of legends into saving Saga! This is your destiny, Sakura!!!!” He said overdramatically, "Please believe me because I do not care enough to lie.” That was a giant big lie. “Your destiny was to turn mindless zombies into human beings! To teach the undead to have some human decency! You had what it took! So, I could NEVER hate you!” He proclaimed, over-dramatically, taking his hand off her chin and making dramatic gestures to illustrate his monologue.

“I know.” Sakura said, wiping her eyes again with her sleeves. “Kotaro.” She took his hand and for once didn’t think about the consequences of her actions, her insecurities, what the right thing to do was, what would make her and Kotaro both happy, the words jumped out of her like they were the truest thing she had ever said, because they were true even when he was acting like an utter idiot. “I think I’m in love with you.”

Kotaro was silent for a moment. He frowned and gave her the most deadpanned expression. Looked about as judgmental as the rest of Franchouchou had at the idea of her and Kotaro dating. He opened his mouth, closed it, and pulled his hand away from Sakura, covering his face with his hands and sighing into them. She couldn’t tell if he was happy. He wasn’t blushing or anything. “Were my diary entries THAT amazing, Sakura?” He asked. “I didn’t realize they were so appealing that they could make teenagers fall in love with them! How???” He looked through his fingers to gaze at his diary, still puzzled by this. “Teenagers are odd creatures!” He joked, “And also, think??? A little presumptuous and rude, don’t you think? What am I supposed to do about that??? In the morning you’ll feel differently after some sleep and I’ll have to absorb the fact my idol briefly fell for me due to my writing and move past that weirdness.”

Sakura frowned. He wasn’t taking her seriously! And even if she was sure all of Kotaro’s words were lies, just putting on a front, they still hurt. “I’m not a teenager. I’ve been alive 29 years.” She argued, wanting to be his age again.

“The 10 years you were dead do not count, Sakura.” Kotaro said coldly. “You can’t fib on that math. Unless you’re saying you were ALIVE all those years and just playing dead. If you were, I would have noticed and remembered! 10 years is a LONG time to play dead, and since you weren’t, you are most definitely not an adult!” He argued.

“Well then, I’ve been awake for 19 years then! I’m not a teenager.” Sakura argued. She so badly wanted to point out that acting like she was a teenager wasn’t making him less in love with her, and that lie might be hurting him more than it hurt her. It still hurt her, but she was sure it sounded worse being in love with a teenager than a teenager falling for him.

“Fine, fine. I won’t call you a teenager.” Kotaro gave up, probably realizing the same thing she was thinking, that he didn’t want her to be a teenager either. “But maybe think a little harder before saying something so scandalous and controversial???? I know you’re probably the type who can’t bear swallowing their feelings and needs to blurt them out, even if they’re unreciprocated, which usually is a trait to be proud of, that you’re brave and just go for it---” Kotaro tried to compliment her while reject her, “But still I’m not exactly sure why you said that. You know what my answer is going to be, right? So maybe for your sake rethink that one?” Kotaro gave her a clear, vague rejection, just like her friends had warned her he would. “Although I do get it, Sakura.” He grinned cockily, “My writing is extremely hot and soul touching. I’d fall in love with me too from my diary entries.”

It had not been hot and amazing. Sakura frowned. She was sure he was pretending to be overconfident to make her feel less awkward about her crush, but still, the idea that his diary was so beautiful made her wince.

“Okay then…I’ll rethink it.” Sakura agreed.

“Good girl.” Kotaro smiled as if he was proud of her, patting her head like she was a dog and making her feel very odd. She tried to digest why he was proud of her instead of the rush of emotions she had gotten when he had said that.

He’s proud of me because I won’t choose him. He thinks I deserve better too, doesn’t he? Just like I think he deserves better than me. She couldn’t even see his eyes, but it was so clear what his feelings were, because it was an emotion that she too shared. That the other could do better.

“I’ve rethought it.” Sakura told him, “I do love you.” She corrected. “I am in love with you.” She said stubbornly.

Kotaro frowned realizing this had not gone the way he wanted. They were back in the same place. He groaned. “Sakura, I—”

“Take my hand, please.” Sakura said, reaching out to him. “I don’t care what your reasoning is, or response is. We’ll figure it out together. As we always do.” She told him confidently, “I don’t want to lie anymore, Kotaro…” She said, her eyes brimming with tears. Her limit for his secrets was reached.

“I’m your manager!” Kotaro said, assuming she meant lying about her own feelings and not that she knew everything about him.

“I want to be happy!” Sakura declared her pure-hearted feelings, her selfish desire. And the word happy struck Kotaro because his main goal was Sakura’s happiness. “I want to choose happiness! I want to trust in our bond and friendship, regardless of what happens! Please trust me.” She begged, offering him her hand, hoping he’d finally have the courage to take it.

Inui was a foolish creature. He always had been. Whenever Sakura had offered her hand to him, he took it on instinct. It was a normal response his body made because she was always by his side. And not so secretly he liked holding hands. He loved walking to school with Sakura, hand in hand, like friends. That had happened a lot less frequently as they grew, but her hand was something so precious to Kotaro. He loved painting Sakura’s nails because it gave him an excuse to hold her hand and inspect it, trying to fix it up. He loved the sensation of her hand in his. She was his master and when she said shake, he did so.

Kotaro took her hand, accidentally, on instinct. Because it was what she wanted. It took him a second to even realize he had given his hand to hers, and he pretended to look curious and annoyed, like why did she want his hand? And then he recalled their conversation and what they were talking about. Sakura brought Kotaro’s hand up to her mouth and kissed it gently, and Kotaro realized with horror very slowly that she wasn’t joking that she loved him. He jerked his hand away from his idol’s mouth, but Sakura held onto it tighter.

“I want you to be happy too—” Kotaro said in a pained voice, “So please stop doing this.” He begged.

Sakura shook her head. “I love you.” She repeated. He pulled away. She launched herself at him and hugged him so he couldn’t run. “I love you.” She said again. He tried to squirm. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” She uttered again and again, because she was sure what Kotaro needed was affection, unconditional love, like he had given her. That her love would melt his frozen heart, frozen since the day she died. And the more she repeated that she loved him the braver she felt. The more it hit her how true the words were. It was like each time she said it, it was more sincere than the last, growing quickly which each declaration, as if they were quickly trying to speed up to the place Inui was at.

“Sakura, I---” Kotaro never really responded as she embraced him, tightly, his legs wobbling. It was like he couldn’t. He kept trying to come up with anything at all to protect himself. “I…I don’t…” he finally stuttered out.

“Don’t say that you don’t love me back!” Sakura ordered, “Kotaro! I know your feelings for me are romantic!” She ripped the band-aid of his lies off.

His shoulders sagged. “We can’t.” He responded. “I---You’re just grabbing onto me because you’re grateful. You know nothing about me. What you feel isn’t real.” He insisted.

“I know everything about you, Kota Inui!” Sakura confessed, frustrated, that even with her confession he wouldn’t look at her and respond, or be honest with her.

Kotaro froze. His body became pale, and he started sweating, more terrified of those words than anything else. His terror was apparent, even with the sunglasses hiding part of his expression. “Um….I….I don’t know who that is! Who is that???” He lied very badly, but at least he was looking at her now, instead of trying to flee towards the door with a zombie hugging his waist. “You have the wrong person! I’ve never heard that name!” He lied.

Sakura grabbed him by his face. He immediately tried to protect his sunglasses to keep them on his face. She didn’t take them from him. She knew he needed that crutch to protect himself. She didn’t want to take his sunglasses off of him against his will.

Instead she cradled his cheeks, moving her hand down to his chin, like he often did with her. “I’ve known for awhile now, Kota…” Sakura confessed, slowly and in a gentle voice, using his real first name again.  “Ever since I got my memories back.” So sure, it had taken her a whole WEEK to realize it, but that was her hidden shame and he didn’t need to know that. “I would never forget you. How could I not recognize you? Even with the sunglasses?” Sakura asked him, her voice filled with affection, “Seriously? How long have we known each other? Since we were 6?”

“4.” Kotaro corrected, accidentally slipping up, just like she had planned by purposefully giving him the wrong number.

Sakura smirked superiorly. Kotaro looked away, guiltily.

“You know me better than I know myself. And I know you better than you know yourself. That’s how we’ve always been. We know everything about each other. You know all of my weaknesses and flaws so that you can best support me, and I know yours. We’ve always walked the same path, side by side.” Sakura told him, her voice honeyed, filled with nostalgia at their close bond, “So I of course would recognize you.” When she said the word ‘you’ she said it like he was everything to her.

“But---But---But…I tried so hard!” Kotaro whined. That made Sakura smile that was the problem he had with everything. That he had given up about lying. He was adorable even when he was super pathetic.

“I know. Which was why I was waiting for you to tell me yourself.” Sakura said gently, trying to coax him to give up, taking her hands off his face to lead his arms onto her back. He did as she wanted, as if he had given up, or maybe because he wasn’t paying attention to the rest of his body, he was just so darn defeated that she had figured him out that he wasn’t paying attention to how she lead them into a more mutual hug. He stopped fighting her. “And then you never told me. I got kinda annoyed. I was getting impatient.” She admitted.

“It’s because I never INTENDED to tell you! The secret was supposed to be one I took to my grave!”

“I know…” Sakura said softly again, leaning her head against his chest. His heart was beating so loudly, it was hard to hear her own thoughts over it.

Kotaro seemed weak to her physical affection. Too weak to reject it. Because he was now holding her awkwardly and she no longer had to hold onto his face to keep him from running. Instead, she squeezed him tighter, her legs rubbing against his, as close as she could get.

He couldn’t reject her running her hands along his waist to find the most comfortable place to hold him, because he loved her. She was a little annoyed at herself for not seeing that before. He was so obvious. It’s even more frustrating to know I didn’t notice that I was in love with him too. She felt like a dense idiot. Perhaps Kotaro had noticed though that she loved him, that her eyes shimmered and shined when she looked at him, brighter and more excited than normal. Maybe he noticed how excited her voice got when talking to him, how she smiled and blushed in his presence in ways she didn’t around other people. He seemed more shocked and caught off guard that she had figured out he was Inui than the fact that she had fallen in love with him. So perhaps a part of him had known that she was falling in love with him, even if he had tried to push her away.

She was probably just as obvious as him.

“But I needed to confront you. You know I couldn’t let you remain miserable, right, Kota?” She said softly, like a lover, locking her hands behind his neck to gaze into his eyes.

Using his first name on him while looking into his eyes and in such a position probably did something effective because he brushed brighter than the lights shined at the observatory.

“Sakura…” He said softly. “I’m happy to be miserable.” He gave her a small smile, “We don’t need to be anything. I never wanted anything in return. You don’t have to force yourself to act a certain way because I’m not suffering as much as you seem to think.” He insisted. “All I want is for you to be an idol.” He told her.

“You won’t give up on me if I tell you to, will you?” Sakura asked, ignoring his desire to self-sacrifice for her sake. She had never asked him to make her an idol. She was acting for her own sake by having this conversation, not for his, not that he seemed to understand that.

“No. But that was never part of this discussion, or a question. The problem we’re facing is what we do from here!” Kotaro scolded. “My feelings are irrelevant.” His voice was far quieter than normal, barely a whisper.

“Relevant to me.” Sakura assured him, shifting forward. His eyebrows lowered like he was closing his eyes. Maybe he thought she was going to kiss him, but she didn’t. She just wanted to be closer to him. And if he wanted to kiss, she wasn’t going to do that for him. She wanted to give herself that one moment of selfishness since he hadn’t done the hard part of confessing to her. “I won’t give up on you either, just like you won’t give up on me.” Sakura told him, “I won’t abandon you either, Kota….So please. Let’s be happy. Don’t be miserable when I’m right here. Take my hand. Take what you want instead of sacrificing yourself. Because we can’t go back to the lies anymore, Kota. We can only move forward instead of denying the truth.” Sakura told him.

She’d face later if this love of theirs was a fantasy of his. She realized it probably wasn’t. She was just insecure. He probably truly loved her and it had nothing to do with her being conveniently next to him.

Kotaro took what he wanted. He kissed her. His mouth had been dangerously close to hers anyway as she stood on her tip-toes and spoke to him. It was a soft kiss, but it was filled with his fear, his despair, his desire to deny reality that his secrets had crumbled, and he kissed harder as if he could make her change her mind, as if just a taste of her made him need to continue kissing her just in case she disappeared when his mouth was off of hers. Sakura could feel his tears as he cried. She could practically taste them as they trickled into her mouth as he kissed her harder. She stroked his hair gently as Kotaro gripped her harder, practically screaming into her.

It was not how she imagined her first kiss, but she still enjoyed it nonetheless. She would have preferred it to remain soft and gentle a little longer, but she was happy that his mouth was finally being honest with her even if it wasn’t his spoken words or the confession and conversation she had originally envisioned.

She was glad she and Inui finally kissed.

“It’s okay that you’re insane now.” Sakura told him, once he had finally tired himself to the point of exhaustion from crying too hard and not remembering to breathe while kissing her. Breathing wasn’t as important as kissing Sakura. And now he was paying the price for that insanity by needing to catch his breath. “I fell in love with someone who yells good morning at us every morning and then does a bunch of other weird stuff and is obsessed with Saga like Saga is some sort of cult. I’ve always known you were a little insane, ever since I woke up.” She teased, “I don’t care how broken you are. You didn’t care that I was broken and depressed, or had a bunch of other flaws, you still loved me. So I don’t care about your flaws either. It’s my turn to support you.” Sakura told him, trying to ensure him that no matter his faults, she still loved him.

“…Are you trying to say I’m bad at kissing?” Kotaro asked, confused.

“No! No!” Sakura shook her head, quickly, “I was trying to assure you I wasn’t going to leave you, and I like you, even if you’ve changed. I was trying to be nice and reassuring…” Now she was blushing, embarrassed, if she had messed up her supporting message.

Kotaro stared at her. She wondered if he didn’t believe her. Or if he was still thinking about how much he wanted to kiss. “…The Saga stuff was kinda a front and as much a lie as everything else. You know that right? You figured out everything else, so you know that…?” Kotaro asked awkwardly.

“Huh???” Sakura asked.

“I made a deal in return for your life back, I’d save Saga. Also, it was a great excuse to have a reason to make you an idol. So two birds one stone.” Kotaro said. “Oh. I do want to save Saga now, but I don’t care about it nearly as much as I pretended, I do.” He added, “It’s not more important than you…” He said one of his first honest confessions and it threw Sakura for an intense loop because that was one thing that she assumed was not a lie. It was something she had never figured out.

Sakura frowned. Now I feel like an idiot again!

“…Yeah…I definitely knew that. I mean Inui never cared about Saga, so that was obvious.” Sakura lied.

“Heh. I know you’re lying.” Kotaro smirked. “So I guess you don’t know everything about me.”

“I will!” Sakura insisted. “It’s been 10 years…Give me time….!” She begged.

Kotaro didn’t argue with her. “How did you figure me out?” Kotaro asked awkwardly, looking down at her. “Was it the sunglasses? Were they too tacky? I learned to wear them everywhere to hide from you, including in the bath, in bed, even driving at night, so you wouldn’t figure me out! So how did I mess up???” He was desperate to understand what he had done wrong.

“Maybe don’t do that?” Sakura awkwardly suggested. “Don’t want you getting into any accidents. Night driving in sunglasses is dangerous!” She scolded. She reached up and caressed the rims of those sunglasses and seeing that he wasn’t battling with her, she kissed the rims gently and pulled them off of him slowly, so he could change his mind if he wanted. He didn’t. His eyes were red from crying, tears running down his cheeks. There were bags under his eyes and stress lines that hadn’t existed during their time in high school together. He looked older. He looked away from her fearfully. She kissed under his eyes, trying to keep him from being scared. He relaxed under her touch. “And it was your doodles. Nobody has your weird art style. I’d recognize your drawing of me anywhere.” She teased. “Also, Kota and Kotaro are basically the same name. It’s not really changing your name at all. Inui and Tatsumi are pretty darn similar too. Hahaha.” She pointed out.

“GOD DAMMIT!” Kotaro swore angrily, realizing his terrible naming sense had screwed him.

“I still love you even if you suck at drawing.” Sakura reassured him.

“….Really?” Kotaro asked, momentarily distracted, “You’re not just saying that to make me happy, right? You’re not sacrificing yourself for my sake?” He looked at her as if he was finally listening to her confession now. Instead of before the kissing. Maybe he just wanted more reassurance that she loved him since he had fought so hard to separate them while still yearning for her.

Sakura nodded. “Uh-huh. I thought briefly that it was natural to fix things by dating you to make you happy, since your pain was my fault.” Kotaro looked pained from that confession, “But I really do love you. I was just running away from the fact that I love you. You’ve always been bringing me joy and making my heart flutter. And your sadness makes me sad as well. Our emotions are the same, Kotaro.” She told him. “It’s even the same how we both think the other person deserves better and should choose someone else. That’s always been the same. Even back in school…” She quietly confessed.

“I don’t want to just make your heart flutter, Sakura!” Kotaro pouted, deciding he couldn’t convince her out of loving him and immediately changing into greedy instead. “When you do anything to me it sends my heart to the moon! Our feelings are DEFINITELY not the same if I’m only making your heart flutter.” He grumbled, wanting more already.

“Fix that then,” Sakura teasingly requested, “You definitely can, because you’re legendary. I’m sure you’ll have lots of opportunities to make my love for you grow as my manager and boyfriend.”

Kotaro looked nervous at that prospect. “…I don’t know if I can survive you changing your mind about me, Sakura…” He admitted, and Sakura heard the defeat in his voice, the heartache. “My affections and love for you is forever. And I don’t think we can return to normal because I doubt you’ll swallow up my lies if I say I’m over you if we breakup to try to keep myself in your life. You’ll want to give me time away from you to get me over you and I can’t bear that. I’m never going to get over you. I don’t want to risk losing you.” Kotaro insisted, trying to get her to understand why he was rejecting her, why he was terrified at the idea of being her boyfriend.

“We won’t break up.” Sakura told him, as if that was an easy solution, “And it makes more sense for me to be the insecure one about the idea of you changing your mind. I want to be together for forever too, but you’re the living one out of the two of us who can date lots of other people. I’m not going to find someone else but there’s a very real chance you could find someone else if you tried.” Sakura told him, “That terrifies me too….So much that I wanted your feelings for me to just be friendship so I could remain in your life forever.”

Kotaro looked horrified at that idea. That HE of all people would get over Sakura. “I wouldn’t break up with you! I’m completely loyal to you, Sakura! Always have been! You’re the love of my life!” He insisted.

Sakura smiled, “I know that now, dummy.” She teased, “But I’m trying to explain how I’m scared too. It’s pretty clear just how much you care about me.” Sakura told him.

“You’re scared to...” Kotaro repeated. “And want forever with me too?”

Sakura nodded hurriedly, as if he was finally getting it.

“So…That’s how we deal with this and move forward?”

“We try.” Sakura responded.

“Succeed.” Kotaro revised. “I’m not letting you go if you truly want to date.”

“Succeed.” Sakura smiled. She kissed him again this time.

They spent the night catching up. Lying on the ground with pieces of paper from his terrible diaries thrown all around and scattered around them. Talking like friends. Cuddling and kissing like lovers. They were both at the same time. Kotaro always kissed her so nervously, as if he was afraid of taking too much, and Sakura only responded to the physical actions he started because she didn’t want to take too much and overwhelm him. She didn’t want him to change his mind that he no longer wanted to risk this sort of scandal by dating, so she’d go at his pace, even if secretly she wanted him to kiss her a lot more passionately, like she wasn’t a corpse to him. But he at least, didn’t seem so nervous about holding her, holding her tightly and she enjoyed being held. It made her heart flutter more and more, her joy blossoming from every moment spent, new and different than before, but finally filled with honesty.

“…So you really thought I resurrected you because I was just such a good friend?” Kotaro laughed after she had told him that she had not actually thought he was in love with her the whole time, “Seriously? So THAT I managed to hide but not my identity?”

“Uh-huh.” Sakura nodded,  “And then you kabedoned me and almost kissed me and I had to rethink that.” Sakura told him and Kotaro blushed.

“I didn’t almost kiss you!” Kotaro denied.

“You didn’t?” Sakura asked, tilting her head, disappointed.

He kissed her to make it up to her.

“Okay. Maybe I was sort of tempted to kiss you that night, but only a little!” Kotaro blushed.

“Why did you lie to me when you are so bad at hiding your affections?” Sakura teased, “You chin tilted me and swore your devotion to me, and how you would grant my dreams from night one!” She teased.

“I’m lucky you’re a dense idiot then.” Kotaro groaned. “It would have been harder to win your trust if you had no memories and immediately knew I liked you.” He sighed, “Ugh. I don’t know, why!” He whined, “It was hard to not do or say things sometimes! You have no idea how many times I wanted to hold you and fought against the urge!”

“You can hold me now. For as long as you want. You don’t need to let me go.” Sakura told him.

He did as she said. He hugged her tightly. “Don’t leave me, Sakura. Always love me.” He begged, “I’ll always love you.”

“I’ll love you for as long as your art is bad. Which is forever.” She promised.

Kotaro made a pouting sigh at being teased but let her tease him. He was just so happy that his secrets were no longer weighing him down and that Sakura loved him. That Sakura accepted him. So he’d take some of her bullying as punishment for all the bullying he had done to her, which now embarrassed him knowing she knew who he was.

The next day Sakura had to awkwardly stick out her tongue and smile sheepishly as she rubbed the back of her head and said, “Teehee! Sorry, I didn’t listen to any of your advice!” To her friends, “But it’s okay, because I found my real feelings for Kotaro and it’s love!”

All of her friends had stared at her judging as Kotaro slammed his hand on the podium to get their attention.

“All right, attention, zombies! Sakura’s and my night was not important, nor is the fact that we’re dating now is as important compared to one very important thing!” Kotaro had said, confirming to the rest of Franchouchou that Sakura was unfortunately not joking. “Listen to this…Last night Sakura said I am her very best friend!” He bragged. “Better than the rest of you. Haha. I’m wearing that badge with PRIDE now!”

“WHAT.” The rest of Franchouchou had said. That statement and how Kotaro had exposed his and Sakura’s friendship and thrown her under the bus (in a way that she couldn’t take that back because it was clearly making him so happy even if it made the rest of Franchouchou angry) made Franchouchou more mad that Kotaro and Sakura were best friends, over the whole Kotaro and Sakura dating thing.

They all forgot Kotaro and Sakura were dating for a full month thanks to Kotaro bragging so intensely constantly about how amazing their friendship was and treating Sakura like his genuine friend, until Kotaro and Sakura kissed in front of them casually and they were all slapped with the reality that they had forgotten they were dating.

It wasn’t anyone’s fault! Kotaro had just made their friendship so insanely infuriating and annoying that everyone’s rage was more focused on that than the romantic relationship!

And now all of Franchouchou had to keep Kotaro’s secrets and lies now too to protect their manager’s illicit affair with his idol that was definitely scandalous. Oopsie!

Sakura thanked her friends for keeping her secrets for her, too overjoyed and smiley to be embarrassed and ashamed as they asked her why.

“I finally confronted the truth head on and forced him to be honest.” She said proudly. She didn’t regret calling him out one bit.

Her and Inui were no longer miserable. They were happy. The time of pretending was over, and they faced reality together, hand in hand. That’s what mattered.

Sakura couldn’t be more pleased.