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Mark knew it was a bad day again when he went to the bathroom after waking up and felt his stomach drop at the sight of himself in the mirror.
“Fuck,” his heart started to beat a little faster and his breathing sped up.
He couldn’t keep doing this. It had been like this for the last few days and he was tired.
He felt his hands shake as he took deep breaths and tried to calm himself down. It’s ok. You look ok. There’s nothing wrong. Stop freaking out. He turned away from the mirror and wiped at his eyes where he didn’t realize tears were already beginning to fall.
Everything had been going so well before. He was eating meals like normal and not counting those stupid fucking numbers and he even started letting himself eat desserts again. So why did everything feel so different all of a sudden? He felt like he had made no progress- like he had taken five steps back from his one step forward. And he felt like he couldn’t fucking breathe because he didn’t know what it was but something was wrong. And worst of all he felt really really fat.
He didn’t know what to do.
After finally gaining control of his heart rate and stopping the tears, Mark quickly brushed his teeth and washed his face. He desperately wanted to weigh himself, but Renjun had thrown out his scale months ago. And as badly as he wanted to stare at himself in the mirror scrutinizing his body for the next hour, he didn’t exactly want to feel like an inadequate piece of shit, so he left the bathroom as soon as he finished.
Mark wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed and sleep away his thoughts, but sadly he knew he couldn’t just pause his life to sleep away his pain. He needed to get his shit together and go to class at least. He needed some structure- some control.
Getting dressed was always one of the hardest things to do on days like this. He opened up his closet and just stared at his abundance of clothes, thinking of every possible combination of pants and shirts and hoodies that wouldn’t make him feel like he was taking up too much space. He felt his breathing speed up again when he couldn’t think of a good (safe) outfit. And he certainly couldn’t try stuff on, because he knew that would only make him feel worse- he would throw off everything he tried and end up a crying mess on the floor.
Standing there looking at everything wasn’t helping at all, so he grabbed what he knew would work and went for some black jeans and a big gray hoodie that he stole from Donghyuck, who probably stole it from Johnny.
On days like these, he was glad that Renjun had basically moved into Jeno and Jaemin’s dorm so he didn’t have to be bothered by someone worrying over him. After the time he collapsed at that party, it took his friends nearly two weeks until they trusted him to eat on his own. But even though it was kind of annoying and they made him feel like a child, he had to admit that he didn’t necessarily trust himself either, and still made an effort to eat most meals around other people.
But right now he couldn’t bring himself to tell anyone what was going on. He didn’t want to bother anyone by asking for help, and he didn’t want to be bothered by not feeling like his own person again.
He had some time to kill before his lecture, so he decided to get something to put in his system from the cafe next to his class building, so after throwing on his glasses and grabbing his backpack, phone, and keys he headed out.
When he made it to the coffee shop after a brisk 5-minute walk, he got in the ridiculously long line and pulled out his phone to pass the time. He had some texts from different group chats that he didn’t feel like looking at, so instead, he just opened Instagram. After scrolling through new posts from his friends and favorite celebrities, it was finally his turn to order.
“Mark!” the barista, Jungwoo, greeted him. He was a year older than Mark and they met in a music theory class in Mark’s first year, “The usual?” A caramel frap with extra caramel and no whip .
“Actually,” I really want it but I hate myself right now and won’t let myself have it, so, “can I just get a medium black coffee?”
“Ew, did Jaemin convince you to switch over to that shit?” Jungwoo picked up a cup and turned around to fill it.
“No, just not feeling the sugar today,” Mark forced a chuckle and Jungwoo turned back around to tap at the screen.
“That’ll be $2.65,” Mark tapped his phone on the pin pad and picked up the drink, “Receipt?” he tilted his head with the question.
“No, thanks,” Mark could feel his stomach grumble a bit, “see you later, Woo.” He brought up his hand that was holding his phone to wave goodbye.
“Bye, Mark!” Jungwoo waved back, “You still owe me Jaehyun’s’ number by the way!” he shouted as Mark was walking away. Mark saluted in acknowledgment and walked out. He felt lightheaded and unstable on his feet.
The coffee tasted like shit and he felt like everyone was looking at him as he walked to his lecture hall. When he arrived, he sat down in his usual seat close to the front and pulled out his laptop to take notes. A few minutes before class started someone slid into the seat next to him, and he looked up when said person tapped on his shoulder.
“Hyuck? What are you doing here?” Mark was sort of planning on not seeing anyone today, and Donghyuck wasn’t even in this class.
“You weren’t answering your messages so I thought I’d come stalk you,” he pulled out his phone and began typing, “You’re wearing my hoodie.”
“It's Johnny’s.”
“It was Johnny’s,” Donghyuck then picked up Mark’s cup and took a sip. He grimaced, “What the hell is this?”
Mark opened his mouth to answer, but the professor walked in and saved him from having to come up with an explanation for why his drink wasn’t laced with the usual sweetness. His chest tightened at the prospect of disappointing his friends and making them think he was getting bad again. It’s just a little slip. It's only been a few bad days. It won't be like this forever.
The lecture was spent with Mark taking notes and Donghyuck scrolling through all of his social media while stealing glances at Mark.
“Your hands are shaking, you okay?” Donghyuck leaned over to whisper.
“I’m fine,” his sentence was punctuated by his stomach growling loudly. Donghyuck’s face dropped.
“Mark.”
“Hyuck.”
“Have you eaten today?” Mark ignored his question and went back to taking notes. He felt bad about the saddened expression on Donghyuck’s face, "We're talking about this later." Donghyuck took back to his phone.
"Okay," as much as he didn't want to, he knew it was for the best. He had been wanting to say something the second his thoughts started to act up again, but disappointment was something he couldn't handle at all.
Luckily he had people around him who noticed a little too much.
It was Donghyuck who found everything out the first time too. A couple of weeks before that party, Donghyuck stayed the night at Mark and Renjun’s dorm. When they were getting ready for class together the next day Donghyuck kept sending worried glances in Mark’s direction at the way he had to do his belt a few notches tighter than usual and the way the shirt that fit him just right at the start of the semester seemed to hang off of him like a tablecloth.
He brought it up to Renjun later, who said he had noticed too.
Now here they are months later and Donghyuck was once again the first one to see that something was wrong. He winced at the thought of never knowing if he didn’t decide to crash Mark’s lecture on a whim. He wondered how bad it would have gotten this time.
When the professor finally wrapped up the lecture, Mark felt his anxiety spike tenfold. He thought about making a run for it, but realized that was a bad idea when he stood up and almost blacked out. Donghyuck grabbed onto his arm to steady him and Mark immediately freed his arm from Donghyuck’s grip. He slid his laptop back into his bag and threw it over his shoulder, grabbed his now-cold cup of coffee and as he turned to walk away, Donghyuck’s hand found his and they exited the lecture, fingers intertwined.
“I’m getting you something to eat,” Donghyuck said as he tugged Mark in the direction of the little convenience store on campus. Mark would have protested, but Donghyuck was stubborn and he knew there was no use. Besides, he was pretty fucking hungry.
They went into the shop and Donghyuck dragged Mark through all the isles until they reached the cereal. Of course, Donghyuck remembered.
“Honey-nut cheerios alright?”
“Yeah.”
Donghyuck scooped up a box and then they headed to the counter to pay.
Dry cereal was something Mark was always comfortable eating. It was a safe food. He didn't know what the reasoning behind it was, but even on the worst of days eating a bowl of dry cereal was never typically an issue. He and Renjun usually kept the dorm fully stocked with all of Mark's favorites, but with Renjun out most of the time these days, Mark kind of slacked off on buying any food at all.
The walk back to Mark’s dorm was mostly silent aside from Donghyuck’s gentle humming, and the lack of conversation only allowed for Mark’s anxiety to continue growing. What if he yells at me? What if he stops being my friend cause I’m too hard to deal with? He’s gonna tell the others and then everyone will be mad at me.
“I’m sorry,” was the only thing Mark could say when they finally arrived at the dorm, before he threw his coffee in the trash and sat down on his bed after he laid his bag on his desk. Donghyuck joined him on the bed while opening the box of cheerios.
“You don’t have to be sorry. I’m not mad.” He handed Mark the opened box and watched expectantly as he waited for him to eat some, “You can’t control the shit that goes on in your head.”
“I guess you're right,” Mark reached into the box and pulled out a small handful of cheerios. He set the box aside and popped a few in his mouth, chewing slowly. Donghyuck breathed a sigh of relief at knowing he was able to get Mark to eat something.
“I have a few questions,” Donghyuck started carefully, “please be honest with me, I won’t get upset.”
“Ok,” Mark felt too hot all of a sudden and he got up to remove his hoodie. He dumped his hand of cereal into a clean bowl that was sitting atop his desk, then peeled off his outerwear. He felt Donghyuck eyeing him, looking for changes, and hoped the lack of comment meant he didn’t notice anything different.
“I’m starting heavy, so brace yourself,” he waited for Mark to nod as a signal he could continue, “When was the last time you ate an actual meal?”
Mark grabbed his bowl and sat back down, then thought for a minute and took a deep breath before answering, “Tuesday.”
“Jesus Christ, Mark, it’s Friday .”
“Hey, you said a meal, it’s not like I haven’t eaten at all,” Mark grumbled.
Donghyuck stood and walked to the set of drawers where Mark and Renjun usually kept their food. He pulled each of them open and inspected the contents as Mark continued to quietly munch on his cereal.
“There’s jack shit in here.”
“I’m not lying to you,” Mark defended himself. He really had been eating. Just never enough to count as a meal, “I get snacks from the convenience store and the cafe. Ask Jungwoo if you don’t believe me.”
“I believe you,” Donghyuck closed the drawers, “but Renjun doesn’t have anything in here either? What’s that about?”
“Renjun hasn’t really been in much lately. He’s at Jaemin and Jeno’s usually,” Mark shrugged, “He may as well have moved out with how little he’s here.”
“That asshole,” Donghyuck seethed, still hovering over the empty drawers, “how the fuck could he just leave you by yourself?” At that, Mark raised an eyebrow.
“What do you mean by that? I don’t need a babysitter, Hyuck.”
“But he could have noticed you weren’t okay! Or you could’ve talked to him!” Donghyuck finally turned to face Mark.
“Well, I wouldn’t have!” Mark stood and walked towards him, “And you said you wouldn’t get mad at me!”
“I’m not mad at you! I just-” Donghyuck’s shoulders dropped and he let out a heavy sigh, “why didn’t you say something?” He felt tears spring to his eyes.
“Oh, Hyuck,” Mark took a step closer and reached out to grab Donghyuck’s hand, “God, I’m so fucking stupid .” he looked down in shame.
“Hey wait no, that’s not what I meant, Markie,” Donghyuck closed the gap between them, pulling him into a hug and tucking his chin into the crook of Mark’s shoulder, “you just don’t need to go through this shit by yourself. We’re all here for you.”
“I just don’t wanna be a bother,” Donghyuck held him tighter, and Mark still held his bowl of cereal with one shaky hand as he clutched tightly at Donghyuck’s waist with the other. It had been a while since he got a real hug, and honestly, it was desperately needed.
“You couldn’t bother me if you tried,” he let some tears fall and Mark felt the dampness on his shirt, “I’m supposed to be the annoying one, remember?” He chuckled, and so did Mark.
Donghyuck finally broke the hug and wiped at his eyes, then guided them back to sit on the bed. Mark ate some more cheerios, avoiding Donghyuck’s gaze. He didn’t do well with other people’s tears, especially not ones that he caused.
“Sorry for crying,” Donghyuck wiped at his eyes some more and sniffled a little, “this isn’t about me.”
“But I'm hurting you,” Mark ate the last of his cheerios and placed the bowl on his nightstand. Donghyuck gave him a pleading look, “I'll eat more later, okay? Promise.”
“Okay,” Donghyuck didn’t completely believe him, but he knew showing it would only cause an argument, “and I can’t lie and say this isn’t hurting me, but it’s not like you’re doing it on purpose. I know you hate it too.”
“Yeah,” Mark took a deep breath for the millionth time, “it fucking sucks. Like, I know I have to eat but I just can’t sometimes.”
Donghyuck just nodded along. He couldn’t say he understood, because he really didn’t. He couldn’t figure out what would make the smartest, kindest, prettiest guy he knew do the things that Mark did. He was already perfect.
“You know,” Mark started shakily, “sometimes I don’t even want to get better.” He admitted. The silence that came after was deafening.
Donghyuck sat wide-eyed, tears welling up again, before he pulled Mark into his chest. That was all it took for Mark to snap.
The dam of his tears broke as he sobbed harshly into the comfort of Donghyuck's arms. He clutched at his shirt like a lifeline as he let all of his emotions finally break loose. Donghyuck left comforting pats on his back and quietly let some of his own tears fall. He hated seeing Mark like this. He wanted to take all of his pain away.
“I’m sorry,” Mark cried, “I'm sorry you have to deal with this.”
“Mark, quit. I don’t have to deal with this, I want to deal with this,” Donghyuck explained, “you’re the one who has to deal with it, but I have a choice and my choice is to help you. My choice will always be to help you.” He squeezed Mark closer to him.
Mark's sobs finally quieted down and he slowly sat up while wiping at his eyes. He suddenly wished he still had his hoodie on so he could hide his face behind the sleeves.
“Your shirt,” Mark gestured at the wet patch right in the middle of Donghyuck’s chest.
“Okay, and? I’ll just take one of yours before I go,” Donghyuck shrugged, “do you feel a bit better?” Mark sniffled.
“I think so,” he reached over to his nightstand and grabbed a tissue, then blew his nose and tossed the tissue to the floor, “I honestly haven’t cried like that in a while.” It was quiet for a moment before Donghyuck spoke again.
“I was serious, you know,” he stretched his arms over his head and leaned back to lay down on the bed, arms spread wide. One arm was thrown over Mark’s lap and Mark took the opportunity to play with Donghyuck’s fingers, “I'm in this Mark Lee shit for life. I’ll do anything I can to help you.”
“I know,” Mark sighed, “thank you.”
“You just need to tell me when it gets bad,” Donghyuck latched onto Mark’s fingers and interlaced them with his own, “I can only help if I know there’s a problem.”
“I’ll try,” Mark squeezed his hand like he was making a promise.
“Good,” Donghyuck squeezed back, “that’s all I need from you.”