Chapter Text
Dim lights casted a hazy glow over the crowded room as he stood at the bar, nursing a glass of whiskey. It was a Friday night, and the bar was filled with an annoyingly deafening amount of laughter and chatter that made his head throb even more than the strobing lights.
Non had every intention of getting as plastered drunk as he could.
He took another sip of the cheap whiskey, letting the amber liquid burn down his throat. The alcohol provided brief respite from the pounding in his head but did little to ease the heaviness that had found a home in his heart.
The alcohol only provided him with thin, weightless comfort.
For all accounts, he probably should have stayed home tonight instead of trying to drown himself in cheap alcohol, yet the emptiness of his apartment had been suffocating. At least at the bar, there were people. He could live vicariously through their mindless chatter, even if the loud screams had long started to become grating.
He finally had mustered the motivation to get dressed up and come out, hoping he might meet somebody. Anybody. If he was lucky, maybe a warm body that could keep him company for the night.
Because for once, he didn’t feel like spending his night alone with only his thoughts to haunt him. No, he wanted someone to make him escape from his dreary reality, even if only for a short while.
He had forgotten doing so entailed actually mingling around with others rather than sullenly wallowing in a corner with his sorrows.
As his eyes scanned the room, looking for someone who appeared as if they could carry a decent conversation, Non froze. His breath hitched when he caught sight of a familiar figure walking through the bar entrance, surrounded by a group of friends.
The name came rolling off his tongue a tad too easily.
Phee.
Non couldn’t help but blink a few times, hoping that his eyes were just strangely bleary. Any reason to trick himself from believing that it was Phee who he was seeing. Maybe he had one too many poured cups of whiskey. Maybe he had finally gotten himself drunk enough that his subconscious was producing the image of the one person that he still missed.
But there was no mistaking that crooked smile.
It had been a decade since they had last seen each other. They’d both been just shy of seventeen, dreaming about the films that they were going to direct.
So much had changed since then.
Seeing Phee made his heart race, as if the wounds from their last encounter were just freshly carved into his skin. He was transported back to that cursed day, where bitter words were flung and he had begged him to stay, to listen to him, to forgive him.
Instead, his retreating back had been the last Non had seen of him.
Non peered out of the corner of his eye as he watched Phee grab a drink at the bar, laughing at something one of his friends had said. He seemed happy, confident. So much better than when he had made those warm eyes fill with tears.
Yet, Phee still looked almost exactly as Non remembered. Albeit he had filled out some, his shoulders broader underneath his fitted shirt. His hair, now shaggier than he recalled it to be, suited him.
Part of him wondered what it would be like to run his hands through the soft locks.
To taste the lips that had once been warmly pressed against his own, but now sipped on the cold glass.
A knot formed in Non’s stomach.
He took another swig of whiskey, wincing as it burned his throat. Running felt like a tempting option, he should have gone through the back door the moment Phee had entered through the front.
No matter how much he attempted to keep his head down, Non could see, from across the room, the flicker of recognition that clocked in Phee’s gaze the moment he was spotted. The look of surprise fully displayed on his face.
If he could have physically melted into the background, he would have done so in that very moment. Instead, he opted to turn back to face the bartender and lower his head back into his drink, hoping that the Phee had mercy on him and purely chosen to ignore his presence.
Luck, it seemed, was not on his side.
“Non,” the familiar voice cut loudly through the ambient noise. He was hit with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, he would recognize that voice anywhere. “It’s really you, right?”
Non clenched his jaw, his shoulders tensed, before letting out a soft sigh. No, he was definitely not Lady Luck’s favorite. He took a sip of his whiskey, buying him some time, before turning to face the direction the voice came from.
“Hey, Phee,” Non replied tersely, his own voice getting caught as he purposefully avoiding any prolonged eye contact.
Phee’s warm greeting lingered in the air, forming an uncomfortable cloud around Non. The two stood there, caught in a moment suspended. Neither really sure on how to proceed after basic pleasantries had been exchanged.
It had been years since they’d last spoken, since they’d last shared a space together. Non wanted to hate the moment, instead he felt unsure.
Undeterred by Non’s apparent discomfort, Phee slid onto the barstool beside him as his friends dispersed into the dancing crowd. Non shifted uncomfortably, acutely aware of the pair of eyes that lingered on him, burning a hole into his very being, “You look good. Really good.”
The unearned compliment made heat rise to Non’s cheeks. An image flashed of himself–gangly and awkward, so unsure of himself—flashed through his mind. He knew he had changed a lot since then, but Phee always had a way to make him feel exposed.
“Thanks,” Non muttered. “You too. I like the hair.”
Phee cracked a smile, running a hand through in an artful tousle, “I guess I finally listened to you. Even if it is a few years too late.” His eyes held a mischievous glint that Non could not place. Phee still made his stomach flip.
As if sensing Non’s internal struggle, Phee leaned in closer, his voice barely heard above the music. “It’s been a long time, hasn’t it. How have you been?”
“Surviving, really.”
Phee laughed, a familiar sound that stirred both irritation and a strangely comforting nostalgia inside of Non, “You always did have a way with words.”
A small chuckle slipped through his own lips in response. It was infuriatingly captivating how effortlessly Phee could charm his way into people’s lives.
He was knew he had gotten trapped, still such a sucker for the warmth that Phee offered.
Old feelings that were barely buried started to arise again, bubbling, threatening to release. He couldn’t help but be frightened.
Somewhere in the recesses of his alcohol-soaked mind, warning bells were going off. Engaging in idle small talk with Phee as if the last ten years hadn't happened...it was dangerous territory.
But he was trapped, pinned into place by the force of craving to hoard every second he had with Phee, as much as he could.
Non raised an eyebrow, his eyes narrowing with suspicion. “I see you’re still the life of the party,” Non retorted, taking a sip of his whiskey, relishing in the burn that settled in his chest, before nodding towards the group of friends he had come in with.
Phee leaned back, studying Non’s guarded expression with a glint of amusement. “You know me too well,” he said, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
Non tensed, his grip on the glass tightened until his knuckles turned white. He had known him well. A pang hit his stomach and he wasn’t sure that it was the alcohol anymore. He knew he should make an excuse, pay his tab, and flee into the night, but instead he found himself entertaining his own deadly curiosity. “Why did you come here tonight, Phee?”
Maybe it had been the alcohol coursing through his veins, stripping away the any inhibitions that he so carefully built.
Phee’s gaze softened, searching Non’s eyes for answers. “Well, I did just get off of work, and the guys wanted to celebrate the new deal that we were able to close after endless months of going back-and-forth.”
The music pulsed in the background as Non mulled over his next words. “You know that’s not what I meant. I meant how come you chose to sit right next to me? You could have chosen to ignore me, pretended that I didn’t exist.” His voice was laced with a vulnerability that he could only wish went undetected.
“I didn’t expect to see you here,” Phee admitted softly, “but after how things ended back then, I couldn’t stop myself from coming up to you and seeing how you were doing.”
Weirdly, Non felt a pang of disappointment. He wasn’t sure what kind of response he had been expecting, but he couldn’t help but curse at himself silently for still being so eager for Phee’s approval after a decade.
“I see,” Non replied, his voice controlled and devoid of emotion. He took another sip of the drink, the bitterness now seeping into his soul as well, as dismissively continued, “Well, I’m still alive after we broke up, so you can wipe away any guilt that you’ve worn for the last ten years.”
Phee had always been incredibly thick-skinned; it’d probably been one of the first things that had drawn Non to him. But if Phee had clocked any degree of snideness in his comment, he had impressively made no reaction to it as he leaned back, “What about you? Do you come here often?”
Non stared into his whiskey, considering Phee's question, the ice clinking against the glass when he swirled the cup. He couldn’t deny the alcohol had played some part in his decision to come to the bar seeking to disrupt the monotony of his life; if Phee had asked he wouldn’t have been able to deny that he had traded one vice for another.
“Not really. I guess I needed a break from my routine,” Non admitted, his voice barely above a whisper, the alcohol in his system making him willingly truthful. “Things haven’t exactly turned out to be the way I thought they would.”
Phee’s expression softened into one of understanding, a far cry from the confident smile that he had worn entering the bar. “Yeah, me neither. Life really has a way of kicking us in the ass,” he said with a sigh. “So, what happened? You graduated and disappeared? I lost track after…” Phee trailed off no doubt remembering the year they’d left each other’s lives.
“I actually went and got some help after everything, put myself in a rehab center.” Non said after a lengthy pause. “It helped, for the most part. I’m still alive, so that counts for something. Some days are better than others but today hasn’t been great, clearly.” He attempted a weak smile as he downed the remaining whiskey. He’d seen too much and experienced even more. The nightmares had been relentless; waking up covered in sweat-soaked sheets for years after had been less than ideal.
Non wasn’t sure what Phee had been expecting, but the weight of silence settling between them was like an invisible barrier.
Phee let out a soft laugh, his eyes almost burning holes into Non’s skin, “I thought I could handle it,” he replied, his voice laced with regret, “I thought maybe, I’d moved on enough to be able to hear you say that you’re happy. That maybe it would have been enough for me to not regret walking out of that room that night.”
Non’s gaze softened for the first time, he’d been dreading this conversation since the moment Phee sat by his side. A flicker of remorse made its home in his eyes. “I never meant to hurt you, Phee,” he said quietly, “I knew that I wasn’t good for you, especially when I wasn’t even good enough to myself, but I was selfish. I loved you so much that I wanted to keep you by my side, even if that meant lying to you.”
“Why did you lie, Non?” Phee asked, his voice barely audible over the music, “It took me some time to come to terms that the bastard took advantage of you, but why didn’t you tell me? The money that you owed… We would have found a way out.”
Non’s face crumpled with guilt as he reached out hesitantly, hovering in the air between them. He couldn’t help but feel unsure of whether to touch Phee to soothe his worries away, just like they had at nineteen-years-old, before he finally placed it gently on Phee’s trembling shoulder.
“How could I tell you that I sold my body for money?” Non relented, starting to feel drained from memories that he had purposefully chosen to block out before. “I knew the moment he leant me those 300 million baht that there was a price. I wasn’t stupid, y’know. I didn’t make the best choices, but I knew. I always saw the way his eyes scanned me; nobody just lends that money without a catch. I just thought he would get bored of me after the first couple of times.”
Phee’s hand trembled as he placed it on top of Non’s, giving the other light squeeze. The truth pressed upon them, suffocating the air between them. “I should have waited to hear you out. I never should have said what I did.” The silence between them stretched on, the words still caught in Phee’s throat. “I replayed that moment in my mind for years, but I was too much of a coward to look for you. And when I had built enough courage, you were gone.”
Non sighed, it’d been years, but that day still hurt. His world had crashed down around him. He remembered that night vividly, as the warm September air had sent a chilling strike down his skin as he had meandered through the dimly lit alleyways. Years later, his memory was still spotty, he had no recollection of how he had arrived there nor how he got home afterwards.
“I’m sorry for that day.”
Non lowered his gaze, unable to meet Phee’s eyes any longer. “I thought I could protect you from my mess by keeping it a secret,” he continued, swirling his cup before taking a long drink.
Th bar seemed to fade away, the music becoming nothing more than a distant hum.
“I wish you had trusted me enough to share your burden. We could have faced it together,” Phee whispered sorrowfully.
“That was the problem, Phee. I knew that you would do anything for me at that point. Hell, you even lied to your dad saying that you were part of the horse account scheme. You could have gotten yourself arrested for my stupid mistakes.”
“I trusted that my dad would be willing to clarify the truth if I had been involved. Nothing would have happened to me,” Phee retorted.
“Where would it have stopped, though?” Non sighed, staring at their hands as their fingers unconsciously became interlaced, fitting together exactly as they had when they were teenagers, “It was never that I didn’t trust you. I knew that you would do anything for me, it scared me.”
Phee squeezed Non’s hand tighter, “You had forgotten, Non, that we had always been a team. I’m sorry for not trusting you more, but I also need you to know that I forgive you.”
Tears pooled in Non’s eyes, glimmering against the dark lights of the bar like stars against the night sky. It had been a long time since he had felt anything more than numbness. He couldn’t help but bring his free hand up to swipe the tears off his face before they threatened to spill.
Non took a deep breath, his chest tightening every so often as the tears threatened to appear once more. He had spent years yearning for forgiveness. Now, here it was, with Phee right in front of him offering it on a metaphorical silver platter.
For so long he had carried the burden of regret, blaming himself for losing the one person that had loved him unconditionally.
Phee leaned closer, their shoulders touching for the first time in years. For a moment, Non could have sworn that time stood still in that moment. A sense of peace washed over Non, like a gentle tide receding from a stormy shore. The dead weight on his shoulders began to lift, replaced with a flutter of butterflies that he hadn’t felt since Phee had asked to be his boyfriend.
After years of nothing, the sensation almost felt foreign.
“You know,” Non started, his voice barely above a whisper, “I never stopped loving you. I tried though. You should have heard all the things I said to my therapist.”
A faint smile formed on Phee’s lips as he gazed into Non’s eyes. He wiped away the last remnants of tears from Non’s face with the flat of his thumb. “I was angry. For a long time. But I always knew that my love for you wasn’t going to fade easily,” Phee whispered. “I spent countless nights wondering if you even missed me.”
The engines in Non’s heart were revving to life as it skipped a beat as he listened to Phee’s words. Having hope was foolish, but Non had never been known as one to make the wisest of decisions.
Phee’s grip on Non’s hand tightened, his gaze unwavering. “We’ve both made mistakes, Non. We can’t change what happened to us in the past.”
A flicker of uncertainty flashed in Non’s eyes. “Do you really think we can move past what happened?”
“We don’t have to promise that we will love each other for eternity. Life happens and I know that feelings can change.” Phee’s touch felt like a caress against Non’s skin, a balm to his wounded heart. “Just promise that you’ll come to me when something is wrong. That you won’t tackle your problems alone. Can you promise me that?”
Non’s lips quivered as he looked into Phee’s eyes. It was a promise that he knew he could make, a promise that he desperately wanted to keep.
Taking a deep breath, Non nodded slowly. “I’ve missed you so much, y’know.”
Phee broke out into a smile before leaning in, his eyes fluttering shut as his lips met Non’s in a tender kiss. Non’s heart pounded as the once familiar scent of Phee overwhelmed his senses. The soft press of Phee’s lips against his own sent sparks down his entire body.
Phee’s hand came up to cup Non’s check, the flat of his thumb gently caressing him as their lips moved together. Their breaths mingled, warm and sweet, as he tasted the remnant of Phee’s drink on his lips.
When they finally broke apart, both were breathless, cheeks flushed, and lips swollen. Phee kept his forehead against Non’s, his eyes still closed as his breath washed over Non’s skin. His own breath hitched as his heart accelerated
“I’ve missed that,” Phee murmured against his skin, “Missed you.”
Non couldn’t trust his voice to be stable, overwhelmed was an understatement. Instead, he simply nuzzled against Phee’s cheek in response. The weight if tension that had sat on his shoulders had dissipated. He couldn’t help but be in a bit of disbelief that the man in front of him was his again.
Phee drew back just far enough to meet Non’s eyes, any remaining bitterness had disappeared. Non clung to Phee’s waist, as if he were afraid that man in front of him would slip away again.
“Are you Non?” Phee leans down, a playful glint in his eye.
A small smile appeared as Non leaned in, staring up into Phee’s eyes before falling back down to stare at his lips.
His heart felt lighter than it had been in years.
“Yes.”