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They say when you become a doctor that you can’t become attached to your patients. They say you have to compartmentalize your emotions—dethatch yourself from the case in order to do your job efficiently. And they were right, in most cases (well, in all cases, though Raven would never admit to that). But it was hard. It was hard to be a robot. Raven didn’t work like that. She knew not to develop feelings for the patient, she did, and she was good at controlling herself. Mostly. There were rare cases, though, that she couldn’t help it. Those rare cases that just…pulled and pulled and pulled at her heart until she was in so deep that she couldn’t not feel anything.
This was one of those cases.
The long dark haired woman put on a brave face, sucked in a deep breath, and strode into her patients room. The white walls were decorated with photographs of beautiful landscapes, gorgeous old buildings. Fairy lights hung over the bed and window. A little area was set up in the right corner of the room for snacks and drinks, while the left corner was home to a laptop, iPad, and various other electronics that teenagers liked to spend countless days on.
Two girls sat in the middle of the hospital bed, engrossed in each other, but drew their attention away when they heard someone walk into the room. Their faces immediately lit up with wide smiles when they saw who it was. Raven smiled back equally as friendly, tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, tried to not let her nervousness show. She was a doctor, goddamn it, she’d delivered this type of news all the time; it shouldn’t be this hard.
She hadn’t even said anything and it was already breaking her heart.
“What’s up, Miss Bird?” The short black haired girl asked, her dark eyes shining with hope. Hope that it would be good news.
Hope that…
Raven was going to break her fucking heart.
The dark skinned woman smiled fondly at the nickname she had been given. “I just have some tests results back.” She held up a stack of papers, waved them around slightly.
The long dark brown haired girl sitting next to Maya nodded, got up, smoothed down the dress she was wearing, then turned to her friend and grinned. “I’ll see you at lunch?” Maya smiled back, gave her a quick hug, a peck on the cheek, then watched fondly as she left the room, shutting the door behind her.
Raven cocked an eyebrow, looked from Maya to the door. Maya cleared her throat, turned away as her face turned a light shade of pink. “Something going on here I should know about?” Her tone was lighthearted, teasing.
Maya’s face grew a shade darker. She shook her head violently. “No, not at all.
Raven sat down beside Maya on the bed, crossed one leg over the other, poked Maya’s knee. “You sure?”
The younger girl looked up at her, smiled slightly, shrugged. “I mean…I asked her out yesterday. She said yes.”
Raven’s eyes grew wide, smiled from ear to ear. “Really? That’s amazing, Maya! I’m so happy for you.” Her voice trailed off towards the end of the sentence when she realized why she had come into the room in the first place. Her smile faded, her palms grew cold and clammy. Raven shifted her gaze from Maya, her eyes starting to sting.
“Raven,” The girl placed a hand on the woman’s shoulder. She looked back at her, half smiled, but stayed silent. She didn’t know how she was supposed to tell her. She supposed that maybe Maya already knew, because of all the tests and whatnot, but still, having to deliver the final news…
Maya was so young; only fifteen. She’d been in and out of the hospital since she was four—brain tumors, they were such a bitch. The chemo and radiation and pills had worked for a while. They’d made her weak and ill and she lost her hair and had to quit school, but she was still alive. Then she got eighty-five percent better. Things were looking up for her. She was able to go back to school. But then one day…she collapsed in the hallway, was rushed to the emergency room. The tumors had come back; there were masses all over her brain. The chemo stopped working. The radiation was doing more harm than good. The pill dosage was upped and upped and upped. But she just…kept getting worse, so eventually Maya’s father had to move her into the hospital so that she could be monitored 24/7. He didn’t visit her much—his job caused him to travel to different countries at a moment’s notice. But she had a good life; as good as it could get for being an inpatient with brain cancer. She had friends, she did school work, she was actually happy there—and now she was dating a girl she really, really liked.
And Raven was about to fuck that it all up.
“Raven,” The woman was pulled out of her thoughts when Maya called her name again. Her head was cocked to the side, her brows furrowed. “What’s wrong?” As soon as she asked her expression turned from confusion to understanding. “Oh…” She turned away, rested her hands in the lap.
“Maya,” Raven started, her voice cracking a little. Don’t fuck this up, Griffin, don’t fuck this up. She scolded herself, wanted to punch herself in the face for semi-screwing it up already.
“How bad is it?” Maya questioned, her voice soft yet strong.
Raven exhaled deeply. “Bad.”
Maya turned to her slightly, but didn’t look at her. “How long?”
“Not long.” She hated herself the moment she admitted it.
Maya nodded once, stayed silent. Raven was about to console her, ask her if she wanted to call her dad, maybe talk to the counselor they had on call. But instead, the girl did something Raven did not expect: she hopped off the bed, turned towards Raven, squared her shoulders, held her chin high and said, sure and steady and confident, “Thank you.”
Thank you? Thank you for telling you that you’re going to die?
Thank you?
Raven couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Was dumbfounded, really. Completely baffled. Usually when she gave people the unfortunate news that they were going to die they either cried or cussed her out. Never thanked her. She assumed Maya was just in shock. That the crying or screaming would start any moment. But it didn’t.
Before Raven could ask her if she needed anything, Maya continued, “You’ve been… Raven, you’re my best friend. You’re been my doctor for, what, ten years?”
“Twelve.” The dark haired woman corrected, a fond smile playing her face.
Maya mirrored the expression, gave a little nod. “Twelve years, you’ve been there for me. Not just as my doctor, but as my friend, and I know doctors have their whole code or whatever, but you… You’ve always been there for me, and not just with the cancer.” The girl was referring to when her mother died, how she came to the funeral, consoled her when her father couldn’t, looked after her when her father was away. So, yes, Raven had become involved, too involved as her wife repeated over and over again until Raven had to make her stop out of sheer annoyance and displeasure. “I know you’ve done everything you can. Cancer is just…a bitch.”
Raven nodded. “Yes, it is.”
Maya crossed her arms over her chest, bumped her hip on the chair next to her. “Does my dad know?”
“I called him right before I came in here. He’s trying to get a flight back from South Korea, but since it’s Christmas Eve and snowing like crazy over there all flights have been delayed.”
“Do I have a few days?” Maya asked sincerely, a bit of fear spiking through her posture.
Raven’s body iced over, her heart beat wildly. She gave a stiff nod, stood up and hugged the girl tight and fast, then placed her hands on her shoulders. “You have…about two months.”
Maya looked up at her, and asked with quivering lips, “Am I going to feel worse?”
“Towards the end, yes. But we’ll—I’ll make sure you’re as comfortable as possible.”
“Can you get me weed?” The kid asked mischievously.
Raven snorted, dropped her hands and stuffed them in her pockets. “I’ll see what I can do.” She winked as she started to the door. “Do you want me to tell Octavia?”
Maya shook her head. “I’ll, uh… I’ll tell her.” She followed Raven out of the door, gave her another hug, then proceeded down the hallway towards the eating disorder ward. Raven watched her disappear into an elevator, then approached the nurses’ station, where the Head Nurse and her close friend, Monty, was sitting hunched behind a computer, though he was using his phone, acting like he was paying attention. When he noticed Raven in front of him he switched all of his attention to her.
He rose an eyebrow, slid her a piece of dark chocolate, her favorite. “You okay, Rae?” His voice was laced with worry.
Raven bit her tongue, felt her heart thumping like mad. “I just told Maya the news.”
Monty’s face turned soft in understanding. “Oh,”
She looked at him, her eyes full of tears. “I hate this job.”
He placed his hand on top of hers. “You love this job, you just hate what it in tells.”
She nodded stiffly. “Yeah.” Then her pager buzzed and she composed herself. There was another call, another patient, another emergency, and she had to be on top of her game.
Later that night she and her wife, Clarke, were sitting in bed together, sipping wine, looking over their designated paper work for the day and going over patient files. Raven worked in pediatrics, was the Head of that department, while Clarke was the Head of Cardiology. They’d been silent most of the night, sharing a few simple words when they drove home and while they ate dinner, but for the most part they said nothing. It wasn’t that they didn’t have anything to talk about, it was that they didn’t have to talk to understand each other. Their body language spoke volumes. Raven, being a person who didn’t like to talk about her feelings much in general, was grateful that Clarke didn’t make her (well, she did when it was important—when there was a crisis, when they needed to get it all out, but mostly, the silence was their conversation, especially after an incredibly long day at work).
But as much as Raven enjoyed the silence after her long, tedious day, she needed to ask Clarke—no, tell her, because the idea formulating in her head she had to execute whether Clarke was a part of it or not—but she would rather her wife be a part of it. So she set her glass down and placed her papers on the night stand, then turned to the beautiful blonde and mumbled, “Maya has two months left.”
Clarke froze for a few seconds, then turned to the dark skinned woman, placed a hand over hers, murmured, “I’m so sorry, baby.”
Raven swallowed the lump in her throat, shifted her eyes. “I, uh, I called her father. He’s not going to make it back for Christmas tomorrow.”
The woman narrowed her blue eyes, set her lips in a hard line, though she did not remove her hand from her wife’s. “Raven,” She began, her voice a warning. Clarke had told her many times to not get involved with Maya—emotionally, that was. Not to get attached. Not to form a bond. But of course Raven didn’t listen. She couldn’t. She wouldn’t allow herself. They had had many arguments about it, all of which ended with one of them sleeping on the couch (usually Raven), but still she wouldn’t dethatch herself. Refused it.
Raven sighed, nodded. “Clarke, I know. I know, okay. I really do. You’ve told me a million times.”
“And you never listen.” Clarke stated, her voice a slight growl.
Raven rolled her eyes slightly. “Of course not.” Then she gave a small grin, removed her hand from under Clarke’s and placed it on top of the pale woman’s, gave it a little squeeze, kept their gazes locked. “Clarke, this is going to be her last Christmas, ever. She doesn’t deserve to spend it in the hospital.”
“They’re throwing a party for the kids tomorrow.” Clarke pointed out.
The other woman bit her lip, shrugged. “She deserves more than a hospital party, Clarke. She deserves to go out and experience Christmas for the last time. The food, the snow, the presents…she deserves it.” They both had the day off tomorrow, Christmas, so going out would have been perfect.
“So does every other dying patient in the hospital.” The blonde argued, her tone harsher than she meant.
“Wow,” Raven snatched her hand away from her wife’s, threw the blankets off of herself and got up.
“Raven,” Clarke called out to her. Raven shook her head as headed towards their bedroom door.
“No, you’ve made yourself very clear, Clarke.” She left their room, ignored Clarke’s pleas to come back, and slammed the door, causing some of the photos on the wall to rattle.
Twenty minutes later, Clarke found Raven sitting at the bar in their kitchen, hunched over a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream. All the lights were off except for the little plug in night light in the corner of the kitchen by the sink, placed there because Clarke was a klutz and still couldn’t maneuver through their house in darkness despite having lived there for five years.
The blonde pulled up a chair and sat beside the brunette, stayed silent as she stuffed her mouth with the dessert. Raven wouldn’t even look at her, didn’t say a word. This was the silence that killed them. The silence that they hated. So Clarke broke it. “Baby, I’m sorry.”
Raven side eyed her, spooned another bite in her mouth, stayed quiet.
Clarke took a deep breath, exhaled through her nose. “I know you love Maya, okay? I know how much you care. I shouldn’t have said what I did, and I’m sorry.”
That was a win, and Raven would take it, so she finally mumbled, “I just want to give her a good last Christmas.”
Clarke put her hand on the back of her wife’s neck, played with her hair. “I know.” She whispered, her voice tender and loving. “So we will.”
Raven perked up at that, turned to her wife. “Really? You mean that?”
Clarke smiled, leaned in and kissed the dark haired girl softly, slowly, then pulled away and nodded. “Of course. We’ll give her the best goddamn Christmas, ever.”
Raven grinned, leaned in for another quick kiss, then jumped down from the stool, grabbed the ice cream with one hand, laced her fingers through Clarke’s with the other, and led her back up to their bedroom.
“Shit,” Raven hissed as she fell down on the ice again. A shock of pain went through her ass and up her back, momentarily stunning her. She never was good at ice skating, or skating in general, but ice especially. Clarke swung by her, pulled her to her feet for the tenth time in thirty minutes, then locked their hands together and guided her on the ice. In front of them Maya was skating circles around the large Christmas tree placed in the center of the giant frozen lake. Occasionally she would swerve by them, tease Raven, smile at Clarke, thank them over and over again for taking her out.
“This was a good idea.” Clarke confessed, gripping Raven’s hand tighter as she wobbled a little.
“I know.” Raven said simply, grinned at the short haired blonde.
Clarke scowled, then grinned. “What made you think of this?”
“Maya said she’s always wanted to go ice skating but since she was sick all the time and couldn’t leave the house that often she was never able to.” She shrugged.
“You’re a good person, Raven Griffin” Clarke bumped her shoulder, pressed a kiss to her cheek.
The other woman’s face heated up slightly. Even after all this time of the two of them being together, the little compliments and signs of affection never ceased to make Raven blush or get that fluttery feeling in her stomach—and vise versa. It never got old, it never got boring. God, it never got boring. But that was a different story for another day.
Raven opened her mouth to say something, but Maya approached them, her cheeks flushed from breathing heavy, and asked, “Where are we going after this?”
The two women looked at each other, shrugged. “Wherever you want to go.” Raven answered.
“Food?” The girl questioned.
“What kind?” Clarke asked.
Maya squinted her eyes, bit her lip as she thought. Then her eyes lit up and she snapped her gloved cloaked finger as she suggested, “Indian? They don’t have Indian food at the hospital and I’ve always wanted to try it.”
Raven and Clarke nodded in unison. “Yeah, there’s this amazing Indian restaurant downtown.”
“Great.” Then Maya was off again, skating circles around them and everyone there. For someone who’s never been skating she was amazingly fantastic at it. Raven watched her fondly, her heart seizing in her chest with happiness and sorrow. That morning when she and Clarke arrived to get her, she had been thoroughly surprised and full of glee. She rushed to get dressed so that they could leave as soon as possible. They even offered to take Octavia with them, but her brother had come to pick her up late the night before. So it was just the three of them, but it was still perfect.
After lunch they went to the mall, which had a huge Barnes N Noble in the middle of it. The women told Maya that she could get whatever she wanted, anything at all, they didn’t mind. Maya was weary at first, didn’t want to seem like a user, but eventually she picked out a few books and book related things that she wanted. Raven knew material objects couldn’t buy happiness or make something as horrible as terminal cancer go away, but it made Maya smile, and that’s all that mattered to her.
They got hot chocolate after that, walked around the mall till it got dark, then the night was over as quickly as the day had started and Raven found herself back in Maya’s hospital room. Maya hadn’t wanted to come back to the hospital, hadn’t wanted the day to end at all, and neither had Raven. But as it was, time was a bitch.
“That’s creepy.” Maya muttered, her voice deep with exhaustion.
Raven quirked an eyebrow. “Hmm?” She muttered from the chair beside the bed.
The black haired girl opened one eye, looked at Raven. “You watching me sleep.”
She pursed her lips. “I am not.”
Maya stifled a laugh. “Okay, Edward Cullen.”
Raven’s mouth fell. “Now that’s just rude.”
Maya grinned slightly, giggled, then yawned. “I’ll see you in the morning?” She asked as Raven stood and twisted from side to side, popping her stiff back.
“Bright and early.” She nodded as she made her way to the door.
“Night Miss Bird.” Maya called as Raven opened the door and stepped out into the hallway.
She turned back to her, whispered, “Night kid.”
Clarke stole glances at Raven the whole way home. They didn’t speak, didn’t have any music playing. Raven had her arm perched up on the door, her chin resting in her palm. She wanted to cry and scream. Want to quit her job. Wanted get away. But she knew she wouldn’t—couldn’t. The job meant too much to her, helping people meant to much to her, even through all the heartache.
She was a doctor, she saved lives, but she couldn’t save everyone, and that was the bitch about everything. Everyone warned her about the failure but they never warned her about the pain she would feel because of it.
“I’m okay.” Raven finally said once they were parked in their driveway.
Clarke turned to her, a small smile playing her lips. “You’re a terrible liar.”
Raven chuckled lowly, turned to the woman she loved, sighed and hung her shoulders. “I know.”
Clarke reached over, grabbed both of Raven’s hands in her own, kissed them several times, then said, “You gave her an amazing day, Raven. Did you see the way she couldn’t stop smiling? All day, she looked at you like you were some ethereal being, like you were the sun in her life.”
“Oh, please, Clarke,” Raven scoffed, rolled her eyes heavily, though a light blush was creeping over her face.
Clarke shook her head, continued, “I’m serious. You just…you have no idea how you’ve impacted her life, Rae. Not just from today, but from the beginning. I was… I know I gave you shit for getting so involved, but I shouldn’t have. I really shouldn’t have. That’s just how I function as a doctor, but that’s not how you function, and I’ve come to realize and accept that. You are a great doctor, Raven, a wonderful, beautiful woman, and you’ve helped so many people. They’ll remember you for the rest of their lives.”
Now Raven was crying. “Goddamn it, Clarke.” She said under her breath, wiped her eyes on her shoulder. Clarke pulled her in closer, pressed Raven’s hands over her heart, touched her forehead against her wife’s. “I love you, you know.”
Clarke smiled, kissed Raven’s forehead, her nose, both cheeks. “I know." Then her lips.