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"im very apathetic," he said "i dont care about people's feelings" he's fidgeting with the sleeves of his sweater "i dont know how" Hitoshi is basically whispering "i dont know how to show that i care"
shouta nodded his head he was sitting next to him on the counter of their kitchen, Hitoshi spoke up again "i felt ignored for the longest time as a kid" he sounded angry for some reason "i was always the one who listened to everyone else's problems" he paused "i mean...mostly my moms.. before she.. you know" he's looking away, not having made eye contact once with his father "so i...never really learned to take care of my own problems i guess" he laughed but it wasn't a funny laugh it was a sad tired laugh
he is exhausted "You know you would think having to take care of other people that you would know how to do it, or at least be somewhat good at it" he's trying not to cry at this point and shouta reaches over and puts in arm around his shoulder letting him talk it out, he doesn't need advice he just needs someone to hear what he's saying "Im sorry hon" he whispered and Hitoshi continued "but as i got older" pause to breath "i...forgot how, and i became apathetic and narcissistic," he said that last word with so much hate and he practically hissed it like it was the most painful and distasteful thing he had ever tasted "i became closed off and indifferent" shouta's ached for his son know this feeling having had care so much and for so long just to turn into something that didnt care at all or at least felt like he didnt care
"i built walls and pushed people away cause i felt they would be better off without me" he paused and took a shuddering breath as big blobs of tears ran down his cheeks his face scrunched and his nose ran
he was always an ugly crier
"i know being a narcissist isn't good" he rubbed some tears off with his big sweater sleeves, and shouta whats to tell him he isn't what he says he is
but that is not what he needs right now
he needs someone he can lean on
not someone to tell him he's wrong
"I know these things about me aren't good" he paused again deep breaths "I know im toxic" shuddered breath "im poisonous in a way I guess" he laughed harshly...sadly, "I think im kinda like a snake" Big deep breath " I tried to stay away from people and I have Numerous warnings saying 'hey dont fuck with me' but they still fuck with me!" he's yelling but shouta doesn't tell him to calm down or be quite
he doesn't say a word
just rubs his son's arms and holds his hands
"they still edge me on and then when I bite them they treat me like shit, they blame me for it which I mean fuck they should I need to be held for my actions" he's looking far away this time trying so hard to control his breathing as his nose runs and eyes spill over "but is it shitty to say I warned them? I mean fuck dude I told them!... I told... him" he looks down at his bloodied knuckles, "i said I was a bad person, dad"
fuck
"iv always known that it has been shitty" he leans back on shouta "iv always been like a kid" he's sounds so fucking defeated and shouta really wants to tell him he's none of those things but...he needs to get all of this out of his system and get out of his head "ever since i was a kid iv always been self-centered, selfish and stupid. that's just how i am there's no changing that. there's no cure for hating your self" he turns his face and barries himself into his dad's chest and wraps his arms around his waist shouta hugs his neck and buried his head into his son's lilac mess of a hair that has been put into a bun
"I hate myself so much" shuddering breaths in between words and that's when hizashi walks into the kitchen and sees his son and husband
on the brink of tears
"i hate myself for being so shitty and being the asshole that i am" he's whining and sounds so pathetic and hizashis heart breaks as he walks over to his son and rubs his back "Baby.." he cooed "But there's no changing that!" he shoats whipping his head around and hizashi's eyes soften and shouta's widen arms still out for his son "there's no changing i dont care about peoples feelings cause I hardly care about my own" his eyes are red and he's gritting his teeth and hizashi reaches up to his face and holds him
"I hate myself so much," he says, shuddering between breaths. His son and husband are in the kitchen and see him on the brink of tears. "I hate myself for being so shitty and being the asshole that I am," he whines, sounding pathetic. Hizashi's heart breaks as he walks over to his son and rubs his back. "Baby," he coos, "there's no changing that!" he shouts, whipping his head around. Hizashi's eyes soften, and Shouta's widen, arms still out for his son. "There's no changing that I don't care about people's feelings because I hardly care about my own," he says through gritted teeth, with red eyes. Hizashi reaches up to his face and holds him.
"Baby, it's ok," he says, comforting his son. Hitoshi embraces his father, tears streaming down his face. "I feel so vicious," Hitoshi sobs, his voice trembling.
Hizashi holds his son close, feeling his pain and sadness. He strokes his hair and whispers, "You are not vicious, my dear. You have a heart full of love and kindness. You just need to let it shine."
Hitoshi looks up at his father, his eyes glistening. Hizashi wipes his son's tears away and smiles. They stand there, swaying together, father and son, their hearts beating in unison.
As Hitoshi breaks down in tears, his papa holds him close, comforting him with his loving embrace. "Don't worry, baby, everything will be alright," he whispers softly. Hitoshi clings to his papa, feeling the warmth of his love and care. and Hizashi's eyes meet his husbands who is still sitting on the counter and his heart shatters.
his husband has tears rolling down his face, and hizashi holds his son impossibly closer, "come on baby." he says getting him to walk into the living room
after crying his eyes out he always got so sleepy and tired
so he laid down with hizashi laying his head on his papa's chest and listening to his heartbeat and falling asleep
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Hitoshi was sound asleep,
his head resting on the armrest of the couch, as Hizashi sat beside him, petting his hair. As the night wore on, Shouta walked into the living room and knelt down beside the couch, where his son was resting with his husband. Shouta's eyes were somewhat red, betraying his emotional state. "So many big feelings in such a tiny body," he whispered, marveling at the strength and resilience of his child. Hizashi, asked with concern, "What happened?" Shouta took a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh before responding, "He had an argument with someone at school, one of his friends, but honestly, it wasn't his fault. They were gaslighting him." He paused, his thoughts racing. "You should have heard the things he said about himself. He just hates himself....he loathes himself" Shouta looked up and made eye contact with his partner, expressing his deepest fears. "He hates himself so much, Hizashi. It's... I'm worried about our son." Hizashi, ever the optimist, placed a comforting hand on Shouta's head and pets his hair as he does with his son "I know hon" he pauses "he'll be ok, you know how middle school was for us" he sighs "it definitely isn't any better for him"
let him rest