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Kirijo Mitsuru is eighteen when her father dies. With an arranged marriage looming over her head, the end of the Dark Hour nowhere in sight, and the loss of the one thing she truly wants to protect… the normally stoic and reserved student starts to crumble. It’s all too much. Everything's too much. The world wants so much from her, but Mitsuru isn't sure if she has anything left to give.
She’s always prided herself on her sense of responsibility, but one morning, she looks at her bike and says to hell with that.
She can't do this anymore. She just wants to be free.
(No matter the cost.)
Heart racing as her stomach flips anxiously, the redhead hops onto her motorbike and drives away from Iwatodai as quickly as she can.
Drives away from everything consuming her soul.
(Mitsuru feels guilty, but not as much as she thought she would. After all, SEES doesn’t need her, and hasn't really ever since Yamagishi joined the team. Kotone’s the leader, not Mitsuru.)
…..
Niijima Sae is three days away from turning eighteen when her father dies. It’s… it’s too much. Everything’s too much. Organising the funeral, liaising with his attorney, making sure Makoto's school is paid for and she's fed… so much is happening, she barely has room to breathe, let alone grieve. For the first time in her life, Sae's crumbling under the pressure.
It reaches its apex as she pours over her finances one day - or her father's, really - and realises they just don’t have enough money to stay afloat. Not unless Sae gets a job, that is. Not unless she abandons the law degree she’s dedicated years to earning. Not unless she accepts that she’ll be hopping from shitty retail job to shitty retail job for the rest of her life, because education – because university – is everything in Japan.
Sae has always academically excelled above her peers – it's her greatest source of pride. She can’t stand the thought of being doomed to mediocrity forever.
She knows she's being selfish. As she hops on her motorbike, the guilt almost makes her vomit. It dawns on Sae that she's abandoning the very principles she thought she would have done anything to uphold. That's she abandoning Makoto to the mercies of a system nobody ever has anything nice to say about.
She drives away anyway.
(Sae's already sacrificed a good portion of her childhood caring for her sister. She doesn't want to lose her adulthood as well.)
…..
Two years after two different women made a monumental choice that would forever change their lives, a lady with long, beautiful red hair slinks into the bar. Smoke and flashing lights fill the air as university students grind against each other, alcohol dulling their inhibitions. The woman's fashion and make-up are both impeccable, but if anyone looked closely, they'd see the leather was fake and the eyeshadow chalky. Mitsuru’s wealth came from her Kirijo name, after all, and without it, she’s just… normal.
(A normal person who sleeps with a fake gun under her pillow even though the Dark Hour has been gone for over a year, that is.)
On the other side of the room, a woman with choppy black hair and glasses rests against the club's wall. Nothing about her appearance is out of the ordinary from a distance - except for perhaps her beauty - but if one looks closely, they'd see her grey roots and that the lens of her glasses is merely plastic. Sae wanted to disappear, and she'd done a fantastic job of that. As she idly sips the drink in her hands, Sae is contemplating disappearing yet again. She knows most twenty-year-olds would enjoy themselves in a place like this, but quite frankly, she’s never been very good at acting her age.
(Unless you count the act of utter selfishness she committed two years ago, that is.)
Swallowing her drink whole, Sae finally gives up on this stupid charade and heads to the exit. Meanwhile, Mitsuru glides across the floor, and directly into her path.
As the two women stare at each other, the whole world seems to fade away.
Sae takes in Mitsuru’s keen, intelligent eyes, graceful decorum and confidant poise, and is utterly swept away. As her heart begins to flutter and nervousness bubbles in her chest, she finally realises why people came to these dumps.
Mitsuru takes in Sae’s imposing figure, sharp, cutting gaze, and faint blush, and can’t help but smile. She’s never much cared for the affection of men, but enrapturing a fellow woman, on the other hand? It's one of the few moments she truly feels like a normal person.
Of course, it’s at that moment that the pounding thump of the club’s music returns full force, half deafening the both of them.
“I haven’t seen you around here before.” Sae smiles, completely ignoring the fact she's never actually walked into the club before today. “I’d ask to chat, but I don’t think that’s physically possible here. Does some fresh air sound nice to you?”
Mitsuru rubs her chin in faux contemplation, mind very much already made up. “Well, I was hoping to enjoy what the city has to offer, but…” Her eyes rove up and down Sae’s figure. “I don’t have to do that in here, do I?”
…..
That evening, they make out in the stairwell of Sae’s shitty student flat, which feels as romantic as the streets of Paris at that moment.
Things escalate between them, and fast. How could it not when both women are chasing their futures with such fervour, such passion, in a desperate attempt to forget their pasts?
Mitsuru dreams about a group of bright-eyed teenagers who continue to walk into the future with their heads held high, despite the weight of the world resting on their shoulders. She dreams of sparring with Akihiko and Shinjiro during a time before a seemingly endless stream of doubts began to plague her. She dreams of her father walking her through the Kirijo Group's HQ, explaining the function of duties of everything and everyone in sight.
She then wakes up and does anything she can to forget those dreams. Mitsuru solves practice problems after practice problems in her textbooks, and goes on long runs in the spring mornings until her legs burn too much for her to even think. She then throws herself into her girlfriend's arms, and distracts herself with those pretty red eyes and soft, plump lips.
Sae dreams about her father telling her about true justice, and solemnly making her promise to be a good person, even when it's hard. She dreams about her bubbly, bright-eyed little sister, who's so shy and yet so sweet in turn.
She then wakes up and feels cold. Sae mutters assurances to herself as she cradles her girlfriend's still-sleeping form - that what she did was justified. That it was okay. Then, after the sun rises and her classes end, she goes to the gym and punches the boxing bag until her knuckles start to bleed - until they burn so much she can't think of anything at all.
(They can both tell the other is hiding something, but they never pry - to do so would be to risk spilling their own secrets. To reveal exactly what they are.)
.....
Of course, karma always comes knocking eventually, no matter how much someone tries to run.
Mitsuru encounters Takeba Yukari on campus one afternoon, and the brunette looks at her as if she’s seen a dead woman walking.
“Takeba.” The redhead swallows, guilt and desperation swirling in her stomach in equal measure as a profound sense of longing overcomes her. “How have you been? How’s Kotone?”
Takeba recoils, looking at Mitsuru as if she’s just kicked a dog. “Kotone’s dead, Kirijo. She has been for nearly two years, which you would have known if you hadn’t abandoned us.”
She spins on her heel and marches away, but Mitsuru couldn’t have chased Takeba even if she wanted to. Ice crawls through the redhead’s veins as she remains rooted to the spot, watching the grass her former ally once stood in horror as her heart starts to bleed.
Kotone was what?
…..
Sae notices something’s wrong almost immediately. Then again, given Mitsuru practically charged into her room before falling into her arms and bursting into tears, that’s not particularly surprising.
“Darling? What happened?”
“Nothing, nothing happened.” Mitsuru shakes her head, sniffing as she rests her head in the nook of Sae’s neck. “Please. I don’t want to think about it. I can’t.”
Sae hesitates for a moment, but eventually complies, kissing her partner’s head and letting her sway in her arms. After all, she knows all too well what it’s like to want to run from her feelings.
…..
Try as she might, Mitsuru can’t return to the fleeting bliss she once held in her fingertips. Takeba haunts her, and so does Kotone. It doesn’t take long to verify that her former underclassman was telling the truth – Kotone’s obituary turns up after a brief search. Guilt curls in the redhead's stomach, growing throughout her body like a weed as it chokes her heart and lungs.
Yet again, Sae notices something is wrong, but she doesn’t press Mitsuru on it, no matter how worried she gets. It’s a mixed blessing. She knows nothing of Mitsuru's sins and looks at her with gentle eyes that are blind to the fact that the redhead does not and never has deserved her love. Sae is a foundation, a solid rock amidst the turmoil plaguing Mitsuru's heart. On the flip side, it means the redhead can’t confide in her either. Not unless she wants to lose the last thing she has, that is.
Mitsuru cannot beg Sae for forgiveness, or tell her that she loves a mere shadow.
The more time that goes by, the more that feels like a curse.
…..
Eventually, their status quo comes to an end. Sae finally finds the Evoker under Mitsuru’s pillow, and, as much as she hates difficult conversations, sometimes they need to happen. Such as when she finds a gun in her girlfriend’s apartment.
“It’s… it’s somewhat unbelievable, however, I swear it’s all true.” The redhead swallows as her girlfriend stares at her flatly.
Mitsuru confesses to everything. The Kirijo Group, the Dark Hour, her betrayal, Kotone – everything. It’s awful, but also… cathartic. Like she’d gone out into the rain for the first time in years and let the water cleanse her of her sins. Suffice to say, Sae is rather sceptical at first, but she’s quickly swayed as Mitsuru puts the Evoker to her head and summons Penthesilea. As Mitsuru watches the ethereal form of her Persona, something shifts in her heart.
(She still has the potential. Despite everything she's done, the part of her that was once determined to fight for humanity's sake still exists.)
Gingerly, Sae examines the Evoker, shuddering as her fingers brush over the cold metal. Distantly, Mitsuru wonders what would happen if Sae put the gun to her head, but she dismisses those thoughts - to become a Persona wielder was to walk down a dark path. Even if the Dark Hour has been destroyed, it feels a bit too much like tempting fate.
Unbeknownst to her, Sae's path has already taken her into the shadows.
“In a way, we’ve always been a bit too similar, you and I.” Her girlfriend smiles wanly as she finally finishes processing Mitsuru's tale. As her head bows, her silver roots reflect the moonlight, though Mitsuru doesn't realise that in of itself is a confession yet.
Instead, she swallows, stomach churning as for one horrific moment, the redhead thinks Sae's going to break up with her. "You..."
“I’m running from something awful I did too.”
The announcement hangs heavy, and sympathy tugging at her heart, Mitsuru gives her girlfriend’s hand a tight squeeze. “I doubt whatever sins you've committed are quite as dramatic as mine."
“They're certainly less supernatural, for one." Sae's lips twitch before returning to a frown. "Despite that, they're pretty similar. We both betrayed people we cared about for our own sakes."
This time, it’s Sae’s turn to talk. About a brilliant academic career that she sacrificed her childhood for, and the death of a man she'd once admired which threatened to put an end to that. As Mitsuru listens, it’s hard to deny Sae’s selfishness. She left a child to suffer the mercies of the foster care system all so she could complete a degree. At the same time, the redhead can’t hold it against her either. Now that the former heiress has passed twenty, she's acutely aware of just how young eighteen is. Without her family's wealth, she wouldn't be capable of supporting a child now, let alone two years ago.
It’s at that moment that for the first time since Takeba dropped a bomb on her, Mitsuru forgives herself slightly. Because they were children, faced with a decision even adults would find difficult to make.
It was little wonder they chose wrong.
…..
In the days following Mitsuru’s confession, Sae’s thoughts are haunted. Not about the revelation that the supernatural exists and that her girlfriend has superpowers, no. Instead, her mind is plagued with memories of Makoto.
She’s tried her hardest not to think about her younger sister ever since she decided to run away – dwelling on the past serves little point other than making her feel bad, and what was the point of that? It's not like Sae can undo her decision after all.
But then again, maybe guilt exists for a reason. A bolt of clarity strikes the twenty-year-old as she finally realises what she needs to do.
She knows it will come at a cost, however, and with a heavy heart, she invites Mitsuru back to her apartment.
“I’ve been thinking. About what you said about your friend.” Sae bites her lip nervously.
Mitsuru’s expression is nothing but supportive. “Go on.”
“It’s too late for you to return to the fight with your friends, but…” Sae takes in a deep breath. “Makoto's not dead - she's still out there, somewhere. For all I know, she’s happy wherever she is and wants nothing to do with me, but… if she isn’t... I’m going to fix my mistakes. I'm mere weeks away from joining the workforce - I can finally be the sister she needs, instead of the one she got."
Sadness and sympathy in equal measure shine in Mitsuru’s eyes. “You want to adopt her.”
After a moment’s hesitation, Sae nods. "Yes. And if I do..."
If she does, Makoto has to be her priority, and that will change everything about their relationship. There'd be no more date nights that ran into the morning. No more dancing in clubs, getting drunk on cheap alcohol. Their carefree student days wouldn't dwindle away, as much as they'd come crashing to a halt.
Sae squares her shoulders. “I know this isn’t what you signed up for with me. If you want to leave now, I understand.”
Mitsuru, however, just laughs. “Don’t be ridiculous, Sae. I’ve finished running away from my obligations – now, I’m here to stay.”
…..
Sae passes the bar exam, Mitsuru gets hired, and Makoto is returned to Sae’s custody after a lengthy dealing with social services. Foster care hasn't been as cruel as it could have been to Makoto, but it wasn’t kind either. Sae’s sister is furious with her – with everything – but the lawyer holds her tongue. She's acutely aware that she very much deserves the brunette's ire, and when things are at their worst, she has Mitsuru's love to keep her sane.
Time eases all wounds eventually, however. Clipped conversations and bitter retorts mellow into calm enquiries, and as her final year of high school reaches its apex, Makoto wraps her arms around Sae’s waist and tells her she forgives her.
Meanwhile, Mitsuru finally visits Kotone’s grave, and there, she finds the former friends she’d left behind long ago. She gives her long overdue apologies, and they're met with understanding. Akihiko pats her shoulder and says he's sorry he failed to see how just how overwhelmed she was. That while the redhead's actions hurt, nothing she could have done would ever have saved Kotone.
As years after their last incursion, Shadows yet again return to threaten the world, neither woman turns away from the fight.