Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Peter had only told a few people in his life that he was a trans guy. Aunt May always had her suspicions but didn't say much when her so called niece preferred to wear shorts instead of skirts. She never questioned when he started talking about his idols but them only being men, and he would say he wanted to he just like them when he grew up.

It was at the age of 13 that Peter decided to more in depth research about being transgender, taking weird buzz feed quizzes and looking more into the LGBT community. He thought he was just a girl who was attracted to girls, that he was just a gay girl. He was so wrong.

Peter was lucky enough to start his period at a late age, so his dysphoria never kicked in until the age of 15. Realising that he was going to be stuck in a body that was never his made his guts twist and pull at him. He threw up in his toilet and Aunt May just told him he must of gotten a flu thats been going around his school, and that he should stay home and rest while it goes away. The thing about dysphoria is, it cannot and will not ever go away, it's always there, rotting your brain in secret.

Aunt May taught him all about it, even briefly speaking about boys with blood in their boxers. A few months after being on his period, he was bitten by a radioactive spider, and eventually he joined the Avengers.

Once Peter had started binding using chest binders, being Spiderman was just a little bit harder. 'Wear for 8 hours, do not exercise for too long'. That was all he had to do to not stop breathing. The package it came in had some pride stickers which he put on his wardrobe and around his mirror, along with some post-it notes saying things like 'you look so masc today!!' or 'love yourself'.

Peter had been doing missions with Iron Man and the rest of the Avengers for a while but on the 4th one, something went wrong.

Tony had told him the mission would last for about 3 or 4 hours, but he was ever so far off. The mission was taking out a base from HYDRA in Poland, which yeah sure it sounded pretty easy, but it ended up not being just that.

While taking out a guard, Peter felt a twinge in his chest, a stabbing pain only felt from a thousand knives. Metaphorical blades pierced in his chest as he lost his way and stumbled before collapsing next to the now passed out and tied up guard from Peters webs. Tony had now noticed that Peter was no longer responding to his radio, and that he was not moving anymore on his GPS.

A paternal motive kicked in as he felt like Peter was his only child about to be killed.

While flying around the base, Tony had finally caught eye of Peter. He sat there, not moving with his hand still contracted around his chest. He whimpered and groaned as the binder seemingly trapped him inside, stopping his breathing and rational thoughts.

As quickly as Tony saw him, he scooped Peter up and carried him into a gap where no security cameras could see into their little unscheduled meeting.

"Kid?! Peter whats wrong??" Tony panicked and put his hands on Peters shoulders

Without thinking, Peter ripped his mask off and threw it onto the cold concrete grounds, a few dirt specks would have gotten on it but at that point really couldn't be asked to care.

"Mnghh, chest... my chest" the young spider managed to whimper out.

Much like Peter, Tony did not think to quickly fold back the top half of Peters suit. He paused. Seeing the binder in all its glory.

"Peter...whats this?" Tony questioned, revealing his face from the mask he had on until now. He touched it but that made Peter wince and back away slightly.

Startling Tony, he began to unzip the binder, still unsure of what exactly it was. Then it hit. Peter was trans.

The older man realised that by unzipping the binder, he would see something not too normal for a teenage boy to have. Tony unzipped it more but tried not to look for too long as it made the both of them uncomfortable.

Peter put his suit back on and put the binder in a bag that was hidden until now. The black bag was put next to the metal board behind the two. Luckily, the suit acted as a binder for Peter, it would bot be noticeable that Peter was trans. The only way you could know would be by him telling you or you seeing it on accident.

There was an awkward silence between the two for a while and so Peter ended it by giving Tony a hug. Tony hugged back and kissed the top of his head in a parental manner.

"I'm proud of you kid" Tony finally said. And with that, Peter felt tears coming up and began to cry softly in Tonys shoulder.

Chapter Text

It was around 2am when Peter decided to get a random midnight snack. Something small like an apple or an orange, anything to give him sustenance while he is unable to sleep. He rose up from his bed and stared at himself in the mirror. His mind was bank like a black squiggle just floating around up there. Nothing entered his mind and nothing left. His body was just there, standing and swaying from side to side slightly.

After that brief zone out, he put on some socks to avoid the weird sensation of the floor tiles on his feet. The socks had small trans flags on the insides of his feet, a gift from Tony for his 16th birthday, now able to start testosterone. Feet dragging along the floor as he reached the kitchen, he opened the fridge and had a little gander at what each shelf had to offer.

He spotted a can of unopened chocolate pudding that he decided to eat. Not knowing who bought it, he just found a random can opener in a draw and began to unscrew the lid. Life was sucking for him at that moment, probably another depressive episode, but he always got out so he supposed it was nothing too big to be worried about.

To be honest, he didn't care about getting a bowl, he felt like too much of an inconvenience to be leaving out dirty dishes, he just got a teaspoon and started eating it straight out of the can. Once again, he felt his feet being dragged on themselves as he decided to go and chat to Loki for a bit. Perhaps this gender fluid being could understand him like no one else would.

Still munching on the chocolate pudding, he wandered off to the elevator and pressed the button to Lokis current prison cell. The Avengers still hasn't figured out what to do with him yet so he was sort of just sat down there occasionally being interrogated and chatted to by various members of the team. Peter usually went down there when no one was looking so that he wouldn't get told off.

After around 10 or 15 seconds, Peter reached Lokis cell and walked over to him. Loki was still awake, playing with a fidget cube and making random patterns so that he could solve them again out of pure boredom.

"Ah, Peter, one of my favourite people to see" Loki passed this as sarcasm but Peter saw it as genuine kindness.

"Hey Loki, have you ever dealt with...uhm..." Peter trailed off unsure of what he was supposed to say.

Loki looked at him with an understanding look. "Gender dysphoria?"

Peter looked up at Loki suddenly.

"Yeah, how did you know?" Peter questioned.

Loki looked at him and giggled slightly before setting down the fidget cube and gesturing to Peter to come inside his cell. The pair shared a bond that allowed them to trust each other with basically their lives. Peter had only been in Lokis cell 2 or 3 times due to needing comfort as a result of a panic attack or something.

The younger of the two sat down next to Loki and they started to talk. They talked for hours until the sun rose, never seeming disinterested in each other's views and opinions about being transgender.

After their conversation, Peter gave Loki a hug, burying his head in the crook of the taller one's neck. Loki placed his hand on the back of Peters head and placed the other on his back, rubbing circles on it as an act of comfort. Staying there for a few moments, they took pleasure in the comfort they had felt after not being touched in a long time.

Being Spiderman meant he was sensitive to lots of things, sensory wise. Peter never liked to be touched by anyone unless it was tight, hence the weighted blanket that was in his room.

After the two had finished their hug, they said their goodbyes and Peter walked into the elevator back up to his room. He walked in his little cave and stared at the mirror, before reading the notes he could not see at night and smiled knowing that everything would be okay in the end. Paint brush strokes of pink and orange colours settled in the sky as he made sure his blinds were closed so he could get at least 4 or 5 hours of sleep.

The thought that he wasn't alone in this journey he was trekking made his smile a little brighter and the sky a little warmer.

Chapter Text

One afternoon, Peter was sitting on the couch watching a Cave Town concert being performed live. He wished that one day he would be able to go to one of the concerts, meeting his favourite artist and being happy and care-free with him in that brief moment they would have shared.

Rain poured down outside, droplets ran the olympics down the windows alongside with them hitting the glass at speeds where if comparable to a human would be like being body slammed on the surface. Thunder was booming and rumbling, with the occasional lightning flash and maybe strike. It never really bothered Peter, in fact he actually enjoyed it. The constant hitting against the windows were similar to white static, something that Peter could easily fall asleep to.

Eventually, he turned off the TV and took a short nap on the sofa to relax his mind and to take his brain off the thoughts constantly shrouding his head and making him feel useless and feminine.

Slowly, the sun began to dip below the silhouettes of the buildings surrounding the Avengers Tower as the rain simmered down to a light spit, sometimes picking up again for a few minutes and going back down. FRIDAY had automatically adjusted the lights to the outside world. It would be pitch black outside yet still appeared to be sunset in the building.

Peter awoke and staggered to his room feeling a large amount of sleep deprivation randomly hit him as he had pulled an all nighter the previous night due to a mission. He slowly opened the steel doorknob and collapsed straight into his bed nest. Multiple blankets and pillows surrounded him, keeping him safe as though he were in a sanctuary away from the world and all of its troubles.

Comfort had enveloped in him and he curled in on himself and became one with the blankets and void of dreams. The rain was still outside, but it had calmed down to a faint static. Just the right amount for Peter to fall asleep in.

Tossing and turning in the night, Peter was whimpering and shaking due to some type of nightmare, FRIDAY alerted the only person in the building at the time that Peter could see that wasn't Loki. A few moments after the alert was sent, Steve came in, dressed in silly little Captain America pyjama merch. In the darkness, he could make out the shaking ball of blankets that Peter was underneath.

The larger man walked in and sat down on the bed next to Peter. Taking caution, he placed his veiny hand on top of Peter and gently shook him awake.

Unfortunately, the shaking ball panicked much more than he thought, and started to hyperventilate, crouched against the wall. Steve crawled in front of Peter and attempted to coach him through his panic attack. Right now, Steve dared not utter a word to Peter in fear that he would startle the young one and worsen this panic attack.

Instead, he lifted Peter into his lap and cradled him tightly, making sure to not be loose and cause some form of sensory overload he mat experience. Steve decided that now would be okay to at least whisper, and thats just what he did. He whispered sweet nothings into his ear, telling the teen that he was do proud of him and that he is indeed loved no matter what the thoughts in his head may say.

"Shhh...You're okay, everything will be alright hm?" Steve mumbled, making sure he would let go only when Peter was ready to.

All of this would then continue for 10 maybe 20 minutes, it was hard to tell when all you could see from Peters perspective was Steves back and how warm it felt against his arms and hands.

Peter was grateful, grateful that this amount of love was shown to him, but now he felt tired, so tired that he sort of just flopped onto Steve and didn't move, breathing in and out like the super soldier had just told him to. Steve picked Peter up once more and gently placed him back down on the boys bed, making sure he was next to all of his favourite plushies and blankets.

Placing a kiss on Peters forehead, Steve stood up again and walked back to his room and he too connected himself with his bed. Sure he only had one blanket and 4 pillows but he somehow managed to be curled up and cuddling one of his pillows.

Lonely. Yet not alone.