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Recently I’ve been leaving our house as quickly as possible for school. My mom usually makes me and Ritsu Breakfast in the morning. But I’ve been telling her that I don’t have time. I actually do. And that I’m going to eat at school. I’m not going to.
My mom is always so sweet and caring. She hugs me goodbye everyday. But one day she hold a bit too long and poked her fingers into my ribs. She asked if I had lost weight. Now I don’t want to hug her anymore.
At school Ritsu asks me if I want to join him for lunch. But I say No. I want to stay in class a bit longer to finish this math exercise I really don’t want to do that, because I was a bit slow today. I always am. Eating would just get me distracted. Please distract me. Besides I’m going to eat something with Reigen Shishou later. It’s really the only thing I look forward to anymore. We are going to get Ramen. I love food. Maybe even a bit too much. I’m always really excited about eating. But I’m also proud of myself when I don’t eat. That doesn’t make any sense. Sometimes I don’t even know why I do this. I do know. Eating is one of the very few things in life that I have control of. When I restrict I feel in control. My powers used to be so uncontrollable. I’m scared of losing control again. I’m scared of hurting people. I am hurting myself.
Ritsu seemed a bit confused about me not wanting to go with him but he doesn’t ask any further. Instead he just says what he always says: "If you ever need to talk, I'm there for you, Shigeo”. I love my little brother so much. He's the best.
After I finish my math work as best as I can which is not good enough, like me, I attend my club. I first joined the Body Improvement Club around the time I found out Tsubomi was moving. I think I wanted to improve myself for her. To impress her. After I confessed to her and got rejected I felt really sad. But after some time I realised that I just missed the close friendship we had in our childhood. Being her friend again is everything I ever wanted. We still talk everyday on the phone. I couldn’t be happier.
Now that I don’t feel the need to get her attention anymore, I can be sure that I’m doing this for myself. The Body Improvement Club I mean. I’m always proud of myself whenever I finish a workout. It feels like I'm getting stronger every time. Even if it's just a little bit. I don’t know if it’s actually true because I see myself in the mirror every single day but I feel like my body is changing. I don’t know if I like what I see. Sometimes I think I do. But then on other days I don’t. And every time I look at myself I either think I have to eat more to be comfortable with my body, or eat less to be comfortable with my body. But I have never looked at myself and thought this is okay. I am not okay. It’s an endless cycle. Please make it stop.
Recently I’ve been lacking of energy for exercising. I don't know why. I know exactly why. Today is not different. And the extremely sweet and salty smells from all the snacks Tome and the rest of the Telepathy Club have been eating in here are giving me a stomache-ache. So I leave early. Even though Musashi and the others are always very determined to finish their workouts and inspire each other to do so. They don’t pressure me when I say it’s too much for me. Sometimes I think about telling them about it. I don’t think they would be mad at me. They really are some of the kindest guys I have ever met. But I think they would be upset with me. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to be a burden.
It’s still some time left before me and Shishou wanted to meet for dinner. So I decided to visit him at the Spirits & Such Office. I don’t have to work there as much as I used to anymore. Serizawa helps out a lot. He and Reigen Shishou seem to get along really well. Serizawa seems less anxious around him. And my Shishou started being a lot more honest. I’m so happy for both of them.
Shishou wants me to spend more time with my friends and family now instead of going to work here everyday. But he is family to me as well. And I want him to know that. That’s why we agreed on still going out to eat dinner together from time to time. I always love eating together with him. It is so comforting. And makes it so much easier.
When I step into the office the first thing I see is Reigen Shishou sitting on his desk chewing on a pen and stimming by quickly moving his right leg up and down. He must be bored. Serizawa isn’t here as well, he always has night school around this time.
When Shishou finally realised I’ve been standing in the middle of the room, he pretends like he’s busy.
“Ah hey Mob!! Let me just finish this real quick okay?”
But when I look in the reflection of the window behind him, I can see that he’s just playing a round of Solitaire.
I don’t say anything though. I just sit down on the couch. While making this small movement I am suddenly very aware of how my body feels. Sore. My bones. They seem to be getting closer to my skin. They want to break out.
We’ve been sitting in silence for a while. The clicking of the mouse is the only sound in this room. Even though it’s rather quiet, it’s still very loud to me. Why am I so sensitive? The silence is broken when Shishou snaps his finger against a colorful jar that’s always on his desk.
“Do you want some candy, Mob?”
Yes, Strawberry is my favorite. “No thanks.”
I was so ready for him to ask “Why?”. I hate this word so much. I don’t want to justify myself for anything. I don’t want to deal with myself. But he doesn’t ask that. He never does. I love my Shishou for that. He might not think so about himself, but to me he’s the most understanding person out there. I admire him a lot.
Shishou stands up followed by the most dramatic stretch I’ve ever seen.
“Okay, I think I'm done for today. Should we go now?”
I have no idea why he even asked that because by the time he finished his sentence he’s already out the door.
…
We are sitting at the same table we always sit at in this restaurant. It’s a table in the corner. I love it here. I feel so safe. And the light is also not too bright. I love it here. It feels so warm.
My Shishou orders for both of us. I’m so happy he does.
When the food arrives Reigen Shishou is a bit too hasty again and burns his tongue. I wait a bit before I start eating. By the time Shishou has finished all of his Ramen, my bowl is still half full. But he doesn’t rush me. Instead I can just finish my food in my own pace while Shishou talks a lot and I just listen to him.
“Do you want some dessert, Mob?”
YES. no. I mean… I don’t know.
“Don‘t worry me and Serizawa had a lot of clients today.”
Why am I taking so long to answer?
“Can we maybe share something?”
“Yeah of course Mob!” He says with a smile on his face and calls the waiter almost instantly.
We share a chocolate cake. It is so delicious. I’m so happy. I don’t want to ever finish it though. I don’t want this to end.
It is time to get up. I don’t want to move. We are heading outside. I want to stay here. We are outside. I want to go back.
They are both standing outside the restaurant now. It seems like the sun is about to set.
Suddenly Mob hugs Reigen awkwardly from the side.
Reigen doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t necessarily hate physical affection. But he’s definetly not used to it. He doesn’t mind Mob doing it though. He’s like family to him after all. But Mob wasn’t letting him go and over a minute has already passed. Reigen is starting to get nervous. He gently touches his shoulder.
“Mob?”
Mob looked up at him, Reigen realised he has been silently crying. He has never seen him cry before besides that one time after Mob had confessed to Tsubomi. In that moment Reigen had also been very overwhelmed with the situation and had no idea what was the proper way to comfort him.
Whenever Reigen told Mob anything, starting on the very first day they met, he always felt like a really important person in Mobs life. Like a father even. But at the same time Reigen had the feeling that it wasn’t his right to be. His life was marked through lies. So so many lies… Good Parents don’t lie to their children. Reigen feels like he should leave this to actual parents. Mob’s real parents. So instead of coming up with something to say like he usually would, Reigen just takes Mob's hand.
"Do you want to go home, Mob?”
No, please no. "Yes."
Mob's voice was so quiet, Reigen almost didn't hear it. But he could feel Mob's slow nod against his suit.
Me and Shishou are walking down the street now heading towards my home. He is still holding my hand. Every person who’s passing by gives him weird looks. Probably because my face is covered in snot and tears. I’m so sorry Shishou. I don’t want to embarrass you. I’m so pathetic. This is my fault. I am so so sorry. I don’t want to be like this. God why am I like this. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to be anymore.