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When Porjai finds herself kicked out of her ex-fiancé’s house, no money to her name and a two month old baby growing in her belly, Mhok’s decision to let her move in with him is barely a decision; it just is, so Porjai grabs her clothes and pictures and her mom’s gold necklace that she hid behind the dresser (initially from burglars, but now she’s glad she never told Keng about it either) and settles into P’Rung’s old room.
It’s just a temporary solution, Porjai knows, I’ll just stay until I find a new place for myself, she promises Mhok, but she feels welcome nonetheless. She hangs her work uniform in the closet and places a picture of her mom and her next to the one with P’Rung flinging her arms around Mhok and Porjai, from way back before they even dated.
Porjai does the laundry, Mhok goes grocery shopping and they take turns cooking. (Though Porjai often takes leftovers from work and Mhok tends to get lazy on his days, bringing home extra big portions of pork stir fry and beef stew from that one sweet Auntie at the market who he has wrapped around his finger, despite the dirty shirts and unshaven face.) They sit on the couch at night, tired feet propped up on the coffee table and take turns picking bad horror movies. They fight for who gets to use the bathroom first in the evenings, and they both don’t want to do the dishes, and it’s nice.
Sometimes Porjai wonders if this is what it would have been like if she moved in with Mhok earlier, back when they were still together. But she doubts it would be. Mhok changed, became a bit quieter, more subdued in the year he spent in jail. More responsible, too; the Mhok from two years ago had loved to brag about putting rude customers in their place and the numerous fights he got into after hours, but nowadays, he heads straight home from his job with Day and spends his evenings watching TV or reading on the couch.
He also treats Porjai differently. They‘re not lovers anymore, but he still loves her, she can tell. She loves him as well, and just his caring presence keeps her thoughts from spiraling sometimes. At times, Mhok lets her get a glimpse of his worries as well, something he never used to do when they were still together. It’s funny, that Mhok lets her get this much closer, now that they’re just friends. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Porjai doesn’t know and she doesn’t ask, she just lets herself enjoy the company.
So, it’s only temporary, but it’s nice. The house is still Mhok’s house, the room still P’Rung’s, but it’s starting to feel like Porjai’s home, too.
“How is Day doing?“ Porjai asks, “Have you gotten him to step out of the house again?“
They decided to sit on the porch today instead of the couch. It’s nice outside, a gentle breeze blowing away the crushing humidity of the day, the moon and a few stars watching over the outskirts of Krung Thep.
“Not yet,“ Mhok replies, “But he might be opening up to the idea.“
Porjai nods, smiles. “Good,“ she says, “It must be lonely, sitting in that room and talking to no one all day.“
“Yeah,“ Mhok agrees and doesn’t say anything after that. His gaze is fixed upon the moon, or maybe one of the few stars that are visible. Porjai remembers looking at the stars with him and P’Rung. It was P’Rung, actually, who taught her some of the constellations: Canis Major, Orion, how to find Sigma Octantis. She also taught them that some of the brightest stars are not actually stars at all, but planets; visible not because of their brightness, but because they are so close to Earth.
Is Mhok thinking about her too, right now? Or maybe his thoughts are still with Day, who can’t see the stars at all. Mhok looks sad either way, the distant look he sometimes gets when he’s worried but refuses to talk about it.
“Read me some of that book again,“ Porjai demands, because she can do nothing about her friend’s bad mood but distract him, focus his mind on other things until hope shines into his heart again. And that book, Last Twilight, seems just right for that. Mhok has used it occasionally to cheer her up after a rough day; she figures it might be the same with Day.
“So you do admit you like my handsome voice?“ Mhok teases, though he still sounds a bit mellow.
“You wish,“ Porjai huffs, “If you want compliments on your handsome voice, go ask Day. I just want to know what happens to Mee next.“
The pamphlet is wrinkled from where Porjai shoved it into her purse earlier. The sudden spike of shame she felt after taking it doesn’t make sense, and neither does the way she looked around after, suddenly scared someone might have seen her take it.
Her grip is tight on the shiny paper, and she has stared at the text on the title page for so long that the letters started to blur together. It might be the tears pooling in her eyes, too.
She startles when she feels a hand on her shoulder. Mhok must have come in without her noticing. Scooting to the side, she makes space for him on the couch.
“Are you thinking about getting an abortion?“ He asks, gesturing to the pamphlet in her hand. There’s no judgment in his voice, just care.
Porjai shakes her head. “I don’t think so.“ She saw the pamphlet when she went for an ultrasound at the hospital, and she needed to know. She thought about it before, of course, between the fears and the tears and the uncertainty, but this isn’t something she can see herself doing; not after she saw her baby’s heart beating steadily in her belly. Fuck, this is the same baby that she had been excited about just a month ago, all eager to tell Keng about their child. Now it’s just hers, but she can’t let it go. “I’m just scared.“
“Of what?“
“Everything.“ The possibility of hurting her unborn child. Her own health. How she’s going to afford to care for a baby. A tear finally escapes her eye. “I don’t know how I’m going to raise a child on my own.“
Mhok takes Porjai’s hand in his. “You don’t have to do it alone,“ he says, like it’s the easiest thing in the world. He says it like he doesn’t know how impossible that is.
“Who is going to do it with me, then?“ No one will want to date her with another man’s child in her belly. And even if there was someone, Porjai is not sure if she can open up her heart again, after she gave all of it to Keng, her secrets and her hopes and her future, and he threw it away without even looking back once.
“I can do it.“ Mhok underlines his statement with a light squeeze to her hand. “Let me take care of you.“ He looks down at her stomach and Porjai knows he means them, her and the baby.
She shakes her head. The words barely come out, she’s choking on the love she feels for Mhok and also the guilt clawing at her chest. “You can’t do that, Mhok.“
“Why not?“
“This is not your child.“ It’s Porjai’s. She thought she would raise it with Keng, but Keng left. Now it’s her responsibility, and she can’t burden Mhok with it. “This is too big of a commitment to make, and you’re not even my boyfriend.“
“I don’t have to be your boyfriend to help you raise your child. P’June helped P’Rung take care of me as well.“
Porjai remembers P’June. She moved to the US for a job offer some two or three years ago, but Mhok used to recount the countless days and nights he spent at P’June’s house when P’Rung was struggling to not drop out of High School while also providing for her younger brother. For Mhok, she used to be like a second big sister, though they lost contact after she left the country. But Mhok had been older back then; ten when his mom died and twelve when P’Rung finally finished high school, and there is a world’s difference between watching over an almost-teenager and taking care of a baby all their life.
“You might be okay with it now. But someone you’d rather be with will come along, and what are you going to say to them? I’m raising a child with my ex-girlfriend?“ Porjai almost laughs. “You’re going to resent me for holding you back.“
“What if I promise you that I won’t?“ Mhok asks, and he says it so earnestly that Porjai might actually believe him.
“You can’t promise that.“ She wishes he could. “You don’t know what is going to happen.“
”You’re right, I don’t,“ Mhok admits. “But P’Rung also didn’t know what was going to happen, and she chose to take care of me anyway.“ He pauses for a moment, gaze drifting off in the way it sometimes does when he thinks of his Phi. Then he chuckles. “And it’s true, I never pictured myself raising my ex-girlfriend's child. But P’Rung didn’t picture herself raising her little brother. You didn’t plan on having a baby without a partner, but here we are.
Sometimes life doesn’t go like we expect it to. But I am willing to take this responsibility, if you let me.“
There’s no stopping her tears now, flowing down her cheeks and being wiped away with a hurried swipe of her hand. “I—“
Porjai actually lets herself think about it. Living with a friend and raising a child together truly isn’t something she planned on in her life, but now that she is pregnant, and that Mhok is offering, it seems like a good life to live. Mhok is kind, and he’s caring, and he would do his best to take care of her baby and her. It might be better than with Keng, even, who always insisted that work is the most important thing to him and that he won’t stay home to babysit a child.
She stares down at her lap, where her hands nervously pluck at the hem of her shirt. “That— I would let you. But we’ll wait until the baby is here, and then you’re going to think about it again, okay?“
Porjai finally gets the courage to look up again, and she meets Mhok’s eyes staring at her earnestly. “Okay. But I won’t change my mind.“
He pulls her into a hug and he doesn’t complain when tears wet his shirt. Porjai whispers an I love you into his shoulder, but she isn’t sure he hears it.
Porjai’s boss let her go home early tonight, and she catches Mhok in the backyard, kneeling on the ground and digging a hole with something that is most definitely not a gardening shovel. There’s a potted jasmine next to him.
“Why are you using a wrench to dig a hole in our garden?“ she asks after watching him for a while. She actually flinches when he uses his bare hands to lift some of the dirt out of the hole. There must be dirt collecting underneath Mhok’s fingernails already; he should have at least used gloves.
“I need something to loosen up the dirt, and we don’t have a shovel,“ Mhok answers, like that explains his newfound interest in gardening in any way.
“No, why are you even planting something?“ Porjai clarifies, “Last time I checked, you didn’t give half a shit about what the garden looked like.“
Mhok shrugs. “Can’t I want to make it look nice for you?“
For a second, Porjai almost believes him. Then she remembers something. “Wait, didn’t you say Day liked the smell of jasmine?“
Mhok looks up at her guiltily and Porjai has him now. “You liar. I knew this wasn’t just for me.“
“Come on,“ Mhok sighs, “The plants will finally make the garden look nice. There’s just weeds growing all over the place.“ He rolls his eyes, but there’s still a little smile etched into the corner of his mouth, and oh, Porjai knows that look. It’s so much easier to recognize when it’s not directed at her, and suddenly, everything makes sense. First the perfume, then starting to wear fancy shirts whenever he goes out with Day, and now this.
“You’re hitting on Day, aren’t you?“ She points an accusing finger at her friend, who has the audacity to huff at her.
“No way,“ he deflects, like Porjai doesn’t see right through him, “He’s my employer.“
“That’s what I was about to say,“ she affirms, “You better stay professional around him. Nothing good comes out of hitting on someone you work for.“
There’s no point in reminding Mhok though; her friend is as stubborn as they come, and if he’s already so committed he’s crawling in the dirt because Day likes the smell of jasmine flowers, there’s no stopping him.
Mhok says nothing and Porjai sighs.
“I’ll get you a shovel.“ P‘Rung must have stashed gardening supplies somewhere.
Porjai is right about Mhok hitting on Day, of course, and her theories finally prove themselves to be true when she watches Day cross the line at the Run for the Blind. She hasn’t seen Mhok smile this wide in a long time, so maybe the messy enterprise of hitting on his employer was worth it.
It certainly is worth it for her, because she got to spend the last two hours chatting with Night, Day’s handsome older brother, and since they both anticipated that the new couple might want some moments to themselves, Night even asked her to grab some lunch while he waits to drive Day home. They end up at a Japanese restaurant, and Night orders them both a big plate of sushi to share.
When Porjai pushes the Nigiri over for him to eat, he ducks his head guiltily. “I didn’t know that pregnant women can’t eat raw fish,“ he admits, “I would have ordered something else if I’d known.“
“I like the vegetarian sushi more, anyways,“ Porjai pacifies, then stuffs a tofu roll into her mouth. “And if I’m still hungry after, you can order me some dorayaki for dessert.“
“Well, I guess you warned me about eating a lot while you’re pregnant.“
“I also eat a lot while I’m not pregnant,“ Porjai warns, “So I hope you know how to cook.“
“Have you forgotten that my mom is a chef?“ Night asks. The corners of his mouth twitch like he’s trying not to smile. “Once you taste my cooking, you won‘t want to go back.“
Porjai will have to see about that. Cooking is not genetic, as proven by her rather lousy skills compared to her mother and grandmother. “Bragging now, are we?“ she teases, “If you‘re so confident about your skills, you should invite me over and let me judge your creations.“
“Well,“ Night smiles, “We can do that if you‘d like to.“
“Mm,“ Porjai affirms and then quickly starts chewing on a cooked shrimp nigiri to hide how flustered she is. Nonetheless, she can‘t help but feel excited about having secured a second—meeting? date?—with Night. She can’t quite tell what this is yet—she thinks Night is flirting with her, but on the other hand, it‘s a bit too good to be true. She just got out of a relationship, and is pregnant with her ex‘s child. Does Night really think she‘s worth the trouble?
Either way, it won‘t harm her to make friends Mhok‘s boyfriend‘s brother. Judging by the sappy smile Mhok directed at him the whole day, Day might be around for the long run. And if that‘s the case, Porjai might see Night a lot, just by association. Hopefully, at least.
“Has Day been as insufferable about Mhok as Mhok has been about him? He talks about him the whole time, but once I ask him about it, he denies any feelings for him.“ Porjai huffs, remembering the cheek kiss Mhok gave Day after the race, when he thought no one was watching. “Very believable.“
Night presses his lips together and pulls the corners of his mouth up in a sad imitation of a smile. “Day doesn‘t really talk to me about things like that.“ He blinks. “Though he does seem to be excited every time Mhok comes over.“
Porjai studies his expression. There must be more behind that then Night lets on. He seems sad, somehow, and Porjai wonders if the brothers are at odds with each other. But if they were, Night wouldn‘t come all the way to the race to support Day, would he?
Three hours after first meeting each other seems a bit early to prod about strained familial relationships, but Porjai is curious, so she considers asking anyway.
The decision is taken from her when Night’s phone starts ringing. He briefly looks like he considers declining the call, but once he glances at the screen, he quickly answers. „Mhok? Is everything all right?“
Porjai sees her own concern reflected on Night‘s face as he listens to what Mhok says at the other end of the call. „Oh, shit. I‘ll be right there.“
Night is already standing as he lays a couple of crumpled hundred baht bills on the table.
„I‘m so sorry, I gotta go. Day just lost his vision.“
As it turns out, Day losing his vision was just a temporary bad flare. He goes to sleep after a turbulent day of tests at the hospital and his family being worried for him, and the next day, his vision is back. Slightly worse than before, though, according to Mhok. It‘s a relief, but Mhok is worried. I thought we had more time, he says.
Porjai sees him less these days. He is often gone the whole day, apparently wanting to do as many things as possible before Day loses his vision for good. He‘s still home most nights though, and he dutifully sticks to their meal schedule, even cooking himself most days. His creations are delicious, Porjai often compliments, surprised.
Another guy that treats her to home cooked meals is Night. When Porjai comes over to his house the first time and he opens the door in a silky black button up and with a shy smile on his face, she realizes that this is, in fact, a date. She wasn‘t sure before, so she‘s not quite dressed appropriately, in jeans and the nicest t-shirt she could find in P‘Rungs closet, (most of her own wardrobe doesn‘t fit her anymore), but Night compliments her nonetheless.
Getting home after that first time, Porjai briefly panics. Am I really ready to open up my heart again?, she asks herself. The pain of being betrayed after loving Keng so sincerely left deep wounds in her heart, and she’s not sure they will ever heal completely. If she really accepts Night’s shy advances and whatever comes with that, and if she gets hurt again, can she take it?
It’s Mhok, of course, who helps her through it. “You should give yourself the chance to love again,” he says, “Just because you got hurt once doesn’t mean you should give up on finding happiness.” He takes Porjai’s hands in his, and it makes her feel safe.
“But how do I know that I won’t get left again?” Porjai still contradicts, even though she knows Mhok’s right. She’s just scared.
“There’s no way to know. But from what I know about Night, he is sincere. I trust him,” Mhok reassures, “And even if he hurts you, I’ll be by your side.”
After that, Porjai feels a bit more ready to open up to Night, and the dinners quickly become a thing between them. On the days that Mhok takes Day out to the city, Night invites Porjai to his house. We gotta make sure your kid gets enough food, Night always says. Other times, they‘ll meet at the market or an art gallery or the beach. They haven‘t really talked about their relationship yet, but Porjai can slowly feel herself falling for Night. He‘s charming and creative. He always teases her, yet is gentle when he needs to be. His expressions—the wide smile whenever he first sees Porjai and the attentive gaze whenever she talks—let her hope that her feelings are reciprocated.
Then Mhok and Day come back from their trip and Mhok loses his job and Day his vision. Things in both their homes are chaotic, and suddenly they‘ve barely seen each other for a month.
They talk on the phone one night, and Night realizes that Porjai has an obgyn appointment the same day Night takes Day for an eye check-up. They agree to meet up. So Day can get to spend some time with Mhok, Night says, as if that’s his only motivation.
“I’m here to see my girl,“ he says, though, once Day has left, arm slung around a grinning Mhok.
Porjai has to fight to hold back her smile. They haven’t talked about it, but hearing the words out of Night’s mouth feels good. No, more than good, Porjai almost feels like her child is doing flips in her belly. “Who is your girl?“ she asks, and she can feel the heat rising to her cheeks.
Shit, Porjai missed him. She didn’t even realize, with everything that was going on last month, but now, having Night in front of her and hearing that subtle smirk in the voice that he always uses when he teases her, she can say that she’s glad to have him back. There’s that smile on his face and he’s looking around the room, until his eyes fix on something behind Porjai. “Oh, Fern!“ he calls, raising his hand in a little wave.
Porjai turns to find two nurses walking towards them. The smaller nurse greets back with an enthusiastic smile and—oh, that’s his girl.
Porjai barely manages to follow another nurse down the hall as Fern—Night’s girl—walks up to him and they start talking about who knows what.
I guess family drama is not the only reason Night was busy this month, Porjai thinks bitterly. She should have seen it coming. No one wants to date someone that‘s pregnant with another man‘s child, she told Mhok all those months ago. But Night, with his charming eyes and handsome smile, had been quick to make her forget about her own words.
She has only herself to blame. Night had swept her away and made her forget that Porjai is, ultimately, not worth the trouble. Night could have anyone—someone like Fern—young and sweet and easy. If things were different, maybe, Porjai could have been that for him.
And Fern really is all that. Sweet, that is, in the way that she gestures for Porjai to lay on the examination chair and instructs her to get comfortable while she fetches the doctor for the ultrasound. She‘s pretty as well, with a cute nose and a pointy chin that crinkles when she smiles. Porjai tries to return it, but she‘s not quite sure she‘s succeeding.
Finally, she is alone, at least for a moment. She slides her hands under her t-shirt to cradle her belly.
“I guess it‘s just us then,“ she whispers to her baby. There’s so many feelings lodged in her throat that she can’t quite get out. “I‘m not mad at you, though,“ she promises. There‘s no point in wishing things were different. At the end of the day, her child is the most important thing to worry about. Having Night to support her would have been nice, but she‘ll manage. Mhok is going to be by her side as well, so Porjai can consider herself lucky.
She just wishes Night would have realized sooner, and not let this silly hope strike roots in her heart. But Night is not to blame.
Porjai tries to push the—rejection? break up? Do the few dates they went on warrant a break-up?—out of her mind for the rest of the appointment. It‘s surprisingly easy, once the doctor arrives and talks to Porjai about how the pregnancy is coming along and if she‘s having any unpleasant symptoms and all the things she has to do to ensure the baby‘s health. She spreads cold gel on Porjai‘s belly and points out the head and limbs and heartbeat, and Porjai can‘t hold back her smile as the doctor announces, “Congrats, it‘s a girl.”
Her excitement fades a bit once the appointment is over and she‘s faced with the question of how to get home. She rode to the hospital with Mhok, and Porjai had been under the assumption that Night would drive her back, so she‘d let Mhok have the car. Carefully storing the ultrasound prints in her backpack, she already dreads the subway ride home.
Surprise and confusion strike her when she steps out of the examination room and finds Night waiting in the too-brightly-lit hallway. He looks up from his phone and starts walking towards her.
Porjai stops in her tracks. “What are you still doing here?“ she asks. Is he waiting for Fern? She left the room in a rush a while ago, so Porjai doubts she‘s getting off work soon.
“Didn‘t I tell you?“ Night returns, lifting an inquiring eyebrow, “I‘m here to see my girl.“
Porjai doesn‘t need to be reminded. “Fern already left earlier,“ she informs Night.
“Fern?“ Night seems confused, but then his features light up in understanding. “Do you think Fern is my girl?“
Porjai bites her lip. “Isn’t she?“ She can’t bring herself to make eye contact, scared she’ll give away her disappointment at his affirmation.
“No!“ Night sounds so exasperated that Porjai looks up anyways. She’s faced with soft eyes and a gentle expression. “Porjai. You are my girl.“
“Oh.“ Porjai is speechless for a minute. Before her appointment, she saw one interaction and came to all the wrong conclusions. But at Night’s admissions, all the defeat she battled during the last hour falls away and is replaced by giddiness. “I am?“ she asks, because she wants to hear him say it again.
“You are.“ Night nods. He looks so sincere, so hopeful, and Porjai could kiss him. “My girl.“
Porjai blinks away the tears starting to pool in her eyes. This time, they’re tears of joy. “I guess I just saw you and Fern after you talked about meeting your girl, and I thought…“ She trails off. She doesn’t actually want to think about it.
Night shakes his head vigorously. “No, none of that. Do you want to know what we talked about?“
When Porjai nods, he continues speaking. “I asked her to take care of you. Because that’s my child.“ His eyes flick down to where Porjai is rubbing her belly.
Her heart takes a leap at that. She didn’t think… just half an hour ago, she thought Night hadn’t wanted her because she is pregnant with another man’s child. And now he wants the baby to be his?
The bewilderment must show in her face, and she can see Night’s confidence fading. “If you want to, that is,“ he backtracks, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have just assumed. If you—“
“No,“ Porjai interrupts his flustered rambling, “I’d like that.“ This is more than she dared dream of. “I’d really, really like that.“
Now it’s Night’s turn to look at Porjai, disbelieving amazement showing on his face. “Should I take you home then?“ he asks after a second of staring at her, “We have food there. My girl must be hungry,“ he adds with a teasing smile.
“Your girls are hungry,“ Porjai corrects. She can’t wait to show Night a picture of the ultrasound later.
It takes Night a second to catch up with the implication, but once he does, his smile morphs into a bright grin, lighting up his whole face. He doesn’t say anything though, he just grabs Porjai’s hand and starts heading towards the exit.
Porjai has to work to keep up with his fast tempo. “Where are you going?“ she laughs, “I’m pregnant, I can’t walk this fast!“
“Hurry up,“ Night exclaims, “I want to kiss you so badly right now, but I can’t let our first kiss be in a hospital hallway.“
This morning, Porjai woke up with a pounding headache and then rushed to the bathroom to throw up. Now, an hour and an ibuprofen later, she already feels significantly better. Laying back on the sofa, she watches Mhok prepare three bowls of jok. Day stayed over last night, as he often does nowadays, and it seems like he’s now trying to help get some bowls out of the cupboard, but he keeps accidentally bumping into Mhok. No—he definitely does it on purpose, Porjai realizes, because annoying each other seems to be their love language.
So, it’s a normal Saturday for them. Except today is P’Rung’s birthday and Mhok looks like he’s barely keeping it together. Porjai has seen him space out at least four times in the short time it took him to heat up the congee, and his lower lip looks bitten and red. Day hasn’t noticed though, because Mhok’s voice is as sweet and carefree as ever, and Day probably imagines his prolonged silences to be filled with warm smiles instead of knitted eyebrows and tight lips.
It becomes increasingly clear that Day doesn’t know the significance of the day when he announces, barely having swallowed his last spoonful of porridge, “Let’s go to the beach today.“
“Okay,“ Mhok agrees after a silence that is just a beat too long.
Day doesn’t ask Porjai to come too, and she’s glad, because she doesn’t trust her voice not to break if she were to speak. But then Day starts to talk about the snacks he wants to buy at the beach, and Mhok encourages him with a tiny mm and suddenly Porjai can’t take it anymore.
“Mhok. I need to get something from under my bed and I can’t reach there. Can you please help me get it?“ She asks, already standing up. She doesn’t wait to see if Mhok is following her, but she knows he will.
Sure enough, a few seconds later, Mhok steps into Porjai’s room. She softly closes the door behind him.
“Today is P’Rung’s birthday,” Porjai states once Mhok’s eyes are on her. She tries to be as considerate as possible. “I haven’t forgotten.“
“I know,“ Mhok answers. Whether he means the first or the second part of her statement, Porjai isn’t sure. His eyes flit away and when Porjai follows his gaze, it lays heavily on P’Rung’s framed picture that’s sitting on the desk.
Once it becomes clear that he’s not going to elaborate on that, she decides to gently prod a bit further. “You haven’t told Day about it, have you?“
“I don’t want to concern him.“ Mhok slowly pushes his jaw back and forth. He doesn’t look particularly pleased to discuss this topic, but Porjai is his friend and she cares about him, so maybe she has to push him a bit to face these uncomfortable conversations.
“But you are concerned,“ she objects, “I can tell that you’re not okay right now.“
“It doesn’t matter.“
Porjai sighs. Damn Mhok and his self-sacrificing tendencies. “Why doesn’t it matter? You lost your big sister less than two years ago. It’s okay if you’re sad and you miss her. I do too.“
“Look, Day is still recovering from his surgery. This is one of the first days that he’s really smiling and laughing again and I don’t want to take that away from him.“
“But you should be able to lean on him, too, right?“ She inquires. This is the thing about Mhok—he cares and worries and blames himself, but when it comes to someone taking care of him, he says he doesn’t need it. But Porjai knows better, has known him long enough to peek through the cracks of his carefree image and see the mess and the turmoil that lies underneath. “You should tell him about it.“
Mhok stays silent for a moment and Porjai almost thinks he has given in. Then he shakes his head. “It’s not that bad, I don’t need him to worry about it.“
“It’s not fine,“ Porjai insists, “If Day had a problem like this, you would want him to tell you about it, too.“ She stares at her best friend, holding his challenging gaze for a few seconds before he finally gives in.
“Fine,“ Mhok agrees. He’s biting his lip again, and Porjai wishes he would stop, but they can only take one step at a time.
She opens the door and lets Mhok step back out into the hallway. “Be honest with your boyfriend,“ she calls softly, “He will be happy to let you lean on him.“
Porjai sincerely hopes that Mhok actually listens.
The joy she feels seeing Night holding Mee for the first time is almost as overwhelming as when she herself cradled her daughter in her arms. Mee has barely been in this world for two hours, and Porjai doesn’t think she’s ever been this happy.
She didn’t want to let Mee go at first, wanting to touch and kiss and hold the thing she grew in her own body for nine months, but Night smiling softly at her daughter—at their daughter—makes it all worth it. “She’s so beautiful,“ he whispers, carefully holding her head in his hand. When the doctor held her earlier, a spike of anxiety had shot through Porjai at being separated from her child so soon, but with Night, there’s none of that. Night is going to take good care of her.
“She is,“ Porjai affirms. From the first gaze she laid upon Mee, she knew that this was the most beautiful creature she had ever seen. Her big brown eyes and the little hands reaching for her mother as soon as she was in Porjai’s arms made all the pain, all the tears and the anxiety of the last nine months worth it.
“I can’t believe you’re letting me do this.“ Night is still whispering, even though there’s no reason to. Mee is wide awake, though she looks a bit squeamish at being separated from her mother.
“Of course,“ Porjai smiles softly, “I’m glad you’re by my side.“
Night smiles back, and there’s tears forming in his eyes as he looks back and forth between Porjai and Mee. He gently strokes Mee’s head, and she lets him do it for a while, before she lets out a soft cry. Night hands her back to Porjai, who is glad to have her baby with her again. Little Mee reaches for her breast, and Night helps position her so that she can start drinking.
At feeling her daughter’s skin on hers, Porjai feels overwhelming love wash over her. She’s so, so thankful to finally have Mee here, healthy and more perfect than she ever imagined. “I love you, Poomjai,“ she murmurs, “My little Mee.“
She looks up at Night, and sees the same feeling reflected on his face. “I love you too,“ he says, directed at Mee. And then, “And your mother as well.“ He takes Porjai’s hand closest to him and squeezes it lightly.
They watch Mee drinking for a while, and then Night’s phone pings and informs them that Mhok and Day are waiting outside.
Porjai nods and the rest of the day passes with the guys getting to know Mee, and doctors and nurses coming in to check on Porjai and her baby, and when the exhaustion finally catches up to her, she falls asleep with her daughter on her chest and Night’s promise to watch over her.
The next afternoon, when Night has gone home to shower and change clothes and take care of some work calls, Porjai finds herself alone with Mhok.
“You really can be proud of yourself, Porjai,“ he says once Mee has fallen asleep on Porjai’s chest. She’s still getting used to the feeling of having this tiny human so close to her, a warm body pressed up against hers.
It’s the same thing Night said earlier, and Mhok carries the same warmth in his voice. She shakes her head regardless. “I just did what I had to do.“ There had been no way that she could have let go of her child. And with every one of Mee’s tiny breaths against her chest it becomes clear that it had been the right decision.
“That doesn’t mean that it was eassy,“ Mhok objects, “I know how much stress you went through during your pregnancy.“
Porjai smiles. “It would have been a lot harder without you,“ she admits. She doesn’t even dare to imagine what would have happened if Mhok hadn’t helped her—if she had to move in with her sick mother, if no one spent those early nights with her, agonizing over her future, or brought her medicine when the morning sickness got too overwhelming. Mhok has been there for her the whole time, no questions asked. Porjai really hopes Mhok knows how grateful she is for all that he’s done for her.
“It’s the least I could do for my precious niece.“ Mhok strokes Mee’s head lovingly. “And don’t you dare think I forgot about my promise. I know Night is there to take care of you now, but I’m still her uncle and am entitled to spend lots of time with her.“
Joy bubbles in Porjai’s chest. This is truly more than she imagined for her baby. A loving father that treats her as if she’s his own child, and one—two uncles who adore her just as much. She can’t wait to see her daughter grow up with them by their side.
“Khaaa, Lung Mhok,“ she laughs, “I‘ll make sure that you‘ll be her favorite uncle.“
After that, things go well for a while. Mhok insists on letting Porjai and Mee stay with him, and she obliges. Secretly, she’s glad to be staying with her best friend and also closer to Night’s house than if she were to move in with her mom. Night talks about looking for a house for them to move into, and Porjai’s heart flutters at every mention of that. Right now though, living with Mhok is nice. Night stays over most nights, and she sees Day and Mhok around almost as often. Things settle into somewhat of a routine—as much as they can, at least, when you have an infant crying for food and sleep and love from her family at the most unpredictable hours of the day. Porjai doubts that she got more than three consecutive hours of sleep since Mee was born, but she has also never been happier.
But then perfect Porjai’s life crumbles.
Mee is three months old and fast asleep in her crib in Porjai’s room when Mhok comes home one night, shirt crumpled and eyes swollen red. He barely makes any sounds as he makes his way over to Porjai on the couch and collapses into her. Carefully, Porjai wraps her arms around him and pulls him into her side. “What happened?“ she asks, worry tingling in her chest.
Mhok lets out a heartbreaking sob, and if Porjai was worried before, the concern almost overwhelms her now. She has never seen Mhok this distraught before, not since P’Rung, but back then there’d been steel bars separating them from falling into each other, and Mhok had been better at hiding his feelings. The tears wetting her shirt now are new, and it feels like they presage the end of the world.
“He broke up with me,“ Mhok whispers and Porjai feels her heart sink. Hadn’t they been fine just a few days ago? She had been there, at Night and Day’s house, when the couple left for their trip to Songkhla, Mhok excited to expand his work experience, and Day so happy to go with and support his boyfriend. They had been insufferable, these last few months, both so clearly in love with each other that Porjai sometimes couldn’t help but roll her eyes at them, so she doesn’t know what could have driven a wedge between them.
She finds out later, after stroking his back and whispering thin reassurances in Mhok’s ear. (It’s okay, even though she knows it isn’t, I’m here for you, even though she wishes she could do more than just hold him while he cries.) Porjai wants to drive over to Day’s house and tell him that pity is not why Mhok does things; the only reason Mhok would choose to stay with Day is the deep love and the concern he has for him. Porjai knows because she, too, has been—is receiving that love and sometimes, it feels like too much, like she can’t possibly be deserving of it all.
But she doesn’t drive over and confront Day, because Mhok clings to her shirt like he’s drowning and Porjai won’t leave him alone right now. It’s the least she could do, letting Mhok lean on her, after all the times she depended on him.
It’s not until a month has passed and Porjai is alone with Day, that the words spill out of her.
It starts with Day opening the door when Porjai is expecting to see Night. They didn’t plan to meet up today since Night wanted to stay home for a family dinner, but she just dropped Mhok off at the airport and she can’t stand the thought of returning to an empty house. She has Mee in a carrier, and her little girl doesn’t seem to have picked up on her somber mood. Little giggles escape her and she happily plays with the rattle Porjai gave to her earlier.
“Is Night here?“
“Not yet, but he’s on his way home,“ Day answers. “You can wait in the living room.“
Porjai follows Day back into the house. Once inside, she places Mee on a chair and awkwardly sits down at the table, opposite of Day.
“How is Mee doing?“ Day asks.
Porjai grits her teeth. “She‘s good.“ Day might have broken Mhok‘s heart, but he‘s still Night‘s brother. Porjai should be nice to her baby‘s uncle then, right?
“How did the check-up on Wednesday go?“ Day smiles in Mee‘s direction, and fuck him, how can he be so carefree? He sits there as if Mhok isn‘t on his way to leave the country, on some stupid mission to prove that he‘s over Day and that he won‘t let love hold him back from his dream. The easy way Day makes small talk seems to mock her, as if he doesn’t at all care about the pain he inflicted.
“The doctor says she’s developing well.“ Porjai wishes Night would arrive soon, so he can relay all the important details about Mee’s development to his brother. Porjai knows she is going to have to make peace with Day eventually—but not today, still feeling emotionally raw from saying goodbye to her best friend for an uncertain amount of time.
Day doesn’t seem to notice Porjai’s shorter-than-usual answers, or maybe he just doesn’t care. “If you need help with anything, let me know.“
And Porjai normally isn’t a very passive-aggressive person, but in front of her is the reason Mhok cried; broke down and wailed and sobbed in her arms until she felt her own heart break in her ribcage. Mhok never cries, not even for P’Rung, not since that first time, and Day somehow managed to break the dam holding back the floods.
Maybe she’s a little bit selfish too, to resent Day like this, because after Mee was born, she had imagined her life like this; Night and Mee and her—and Mhok also there, alongside Day, a constant in her and Mee’s life just like Night is. She imagined watching Mhok play with her kid, and cheerful dinners with the five of them, and Mhok’s eyes sparkling proudly while he teaches Mee how to cook, or how to change a tire. That life had felt so close, so reachable, until the rug had been pulled out from under Porjai, with Mhok and Day broken up and Mhok halfway on his flight to another continent.
Either way, the words slip out before Porjai can stop herself. “It would have helped if you actually listened to Mhok,“ she bites, and the venom in her voice catches her by surprise, too.
Day’s face does—something, contorting into hurt, then anger, before settling into something hard and indifferent. “So that he can explain why he lied to me?“ Day huffs, “Or why I’m so pitiful in his eyes that I can’t handle being alone?“
“He never pitied you,“ Porjai retorts, “He loved you and was worried about you, but he never pitied you.“
“Oh, come on. Look at me,“ Day provokes, pointing to himself “I’m blind! I can’t be trusted to take care of myself! Isn’t that why Mhok wanted to stay in Bangkok?“
“That’s not the reason,“ Porjai grits out. Why does Day keep insisting that Mhok just pitied him? Didn’t Mhok prove time and time again that he sees him as more than his blindness, that he loves every part of him? “He wanted to stay with you because he didn’t want to lose you.“
“Because he would have felt guilty if something happened to me, huh? I don’t need his pity.“
For fuck’s sake. „Do you even know why he’s like this? Did you ever listen to him when he talked about P’Rung?“ The words spill out of Porjai now, soaked in anger and desperation and hurt. She has to work to keep her voice down to not upset Mee. “He still feels guilty about not picking up her calls that day she committed suicide. I know he beats himself up about not noticing the signs leading up to it. And now he thinks that whenever he leaves someone alone, something awful is going to happen to them, and it will be his fault.“
The same thing happened to her, back when Mhok was still in jail. Every time Porjai came to visit him, he had asked her to promise to come back, using that voice that he thinks hides his agony, but just places a frosty glass barrier in front of it; she still knows that Mhok is afraid, but she can’t quite make out what he is scared of, and that makes it all the more frightening. At first, she thought it was because he was scared that Porjai would not want to see him after he broke up with her. Later, she realized that Mhok was afraid of losing her the same way he had lost P’Rung.
"Yes, Mhok shouldn’t have lied to you, but he did it because he was afraid, and as his boyfriend, you should have at least listened to his explanation and worked through it with him, instead of breaking up right then and there.“
Day looks taken aback, emotions battling on his face. Something in Porjai softens, so she continues. “He loved you. He loved you so much. And Mhok has a hard time opening up, but I know he tried to with you, and you should have listened to him.“
Porjai feels the sadness well within her. Maybe, if Mhok had opened up to Day sooner, if Porjai had pushed him a bit more, they wouldn’t be here, with their relationship in shambles on the ground and their feet cut from trying to move past it. Or maybe they would still be—maybe Day’s just an asshole, and Mhok would still have had his own love thrown back at him, heart broken so badly he needs to leave the country to get away from the bleeding remains of it.
Conflicting emotions play on Day’s face, but doesn’t answer, chin still set in a defiant frown. Porjai sighs. She doesn’t actually know what she wants from this conversation–have Day admit that he’s wrong? That Mhok did his best, and that he deserves forgiveness? It doesn’t matter, ultimately, because Mhok has already left.
“She’s right, Day.”
Porjai startles when she hears a voice from the entryway. It’s Night’s and Day’s mom, who is now tentatively approaching the table they’re sitting at. Porjai hasn’t heard her arrive, and she asks herself just how long Mhon stood there and listened to their argument.
“Mae,” Day complains. “Don’t you remember what Mhok did to me?”
“I do.” Mhon has come closer, and she carefully lays a hand on Day’s shoulder. “I know that what he did really hurt you, but he didn’t do it because he pitied you.”
“How do you know?”
“Wasn’t that why you picked him to be your caretaker? Because he challenged you and was interested in the person that you are, beyond your blindness?” she questions. Her voice is soft, and Porjai can see her squeeze Day’s shoulder. She waits for Day’s hesitant nod to continue. “Has he stopped doing that?”
“He hasn’t,” Day affirms.
“So please don’t assume the worst from him,” Mhon appeals. “He loves you, and maybe he deserves a second chance.”
Day is quiet for a bit, seemingly lost in thought. After a moment, he takes a deep breath. “Maybe I was a bit harsh”, he admits, his hands clutching the edge of the table.
“Then talk to him,” Mhon encourages, “I’m sure he will listen to you. You two can figure it out.” She smiles towards Porjai, and Day must hear the gentleness in her voice too.
Porjai laughs bitterly. “I think it’s a bit late for that.“ She glances at the clock behind Day. “Mhok’s flight to Hawaii is in two hours. I just dropped him off at the airport.“
“Can you drive me there?“
Porjai is taken aback by how determined Day sounds. She considers the question for a second—this decision should have come a month ago, not now. Porjai shouldn’t have had to yell at him to make him see that Mhok needed his boyfriend, too. He should have realized that on his own, and it shouldn’t have taken his mom telling him to give Mhok a second chance. Porjai still feels angry about that, but this is not about her. This is about Mhok, and he deserves to have the chance to talk to Day before he cuts all ties—and maybe he will rethink his decision to leave everything that he loves behind.
Grabbing Mee, she stands up. “Let’s go,” she states, resolute. A thankful nod is sent in Mhon’s direction, who looks taken aback at Day’s sudden determination, but she ultimately doesn’t try to hold him back.
Porjai hurries toward the entrance, Day scrambling behind her, haphazardly tying his shoelaces before latching onto Porjai’s free arm for guidance and following her down the front steps. Porjai is about to open the door to P’Rung’s car to deposit Mee in the backseat when she hears a car pulling into the driveway. “Night!“
Pulling Day with her, she hurries to the car and climbs into the backseat before Night can even turn off the engine. Confusion is written in Night’s face as he greets Porjai, then Day, who takes the passenger seat.
“Drive to Suvarnabhumi airport,“ Porjai instructs, “Day needs to talk to Mhok.“
Night obliges, and Porjai is grateful her boyfriend is there to support them. Having her hands free, she holds onto Mee with one hand and uses the other to pull out her phone. Calling Mhok’s number, she desperately hopes he’ll pick up.
Anxiety clutches at her chest when Mhok doesn’t pick up. Did he already turn off his phone? She dreads the possibility of Mhok going through security and boarding his flight before getting to talk to Day again.
The drive seems to stretch on forever. Porjai knows that under different circumstances, Night would run every red light to get Day to his destination as soon as possible, but their kid is in the car, so he meticulously follows every single traffic regulation and stays under the speed limit. But twenty-five minutes and three unanswered calls later, they finally stop in front of the airport.
“We’ll leave Mee in the car with you,“ she tells Night, and then they’re running through Terminal 2, desperately searching for Mhok.
“Mhok?“ Day calls, and Porjai joins him, eyes scanning the long crowds of people lining up at the check-in counters. Her eyes catch on the information desk and she gets an idea.
“Come,“ she instructs Day, hurrying over to the lady manning the counter.
“Phi kha,“ she asks, still out of breath from running across the airport, “Can you make an announcement for a missing person?“
The lady shakes her head. “I’m sorry. We only make official announcements here.“
“But this is important.“ Porjai does her best to sound convincing. “I just found out I’m pregnant and my boyfriend is trying to leave the country to get out of his responsibilities.“
The airline employee still looks apologetic, so Porjai results to begging. „Please, Phi, make an announcement. I’m dragging him back to pay for this.“
Day nods vigorously to support her story, but the lady doesn’t seem convinced. Porjai is about to just grab the microphone and do it herself when her phone starts ringing. Almost dropping it while fumbling it out of her pocket, she answers Mhok’s call. “Mhok!“
“Porjai,“ Mhok responds. Sneaking a glance at Day, she can see hope lighting up his face. “I had a bit of trouble with my check-in so I didn’t see your calls. Is everything alright?“
“Mhok, please come to the information desk. Day is here and he needs to talk to you.“
Ten minutes later, Porjai has watched Mhok tentatively approach Day, and Day flinging himself in Mhok’s arms. There’s been apologies, and tears. (Not from her—she’s definitely not crying while watching her best friend reunite with his (now again) boyfriend.)
When Mhok disentangles himself from Day, he moves over and takes Porjai into his arms as well. “Thank you,“ he whispers into her hair.
Porjai hugs him tighter. There’s nothing to thank her for, she just did what she thought would make Mhok the happiest.
“You’re staying, right?“ she asks, pulling her best friend close.
“I’m staying.“
“Porjai.“ Mhok looks at Porjai, more love and gentleness in his eyes than Porjai thinks she will ever get used to. “I’m so honored to stand beside you as you’re starting this new chapter of your life.“
Porjai nods. Of course—there’s no one she’d rather have here, blessing her marriage with his kind words.
“You’ve been through so much, and you’re so resilient,“ Mhok continues, “And I’m glad that right now, you’re giving yourself the chance to be happy again. You deserve it.“
Porjai can feel herself tearing up. She smiles at Mhok, hoping that he realizes what she wants to say: Without you, I couldn’t have done it. Thank you, for being here and supporting me.
“Despite everything, you’re incredibly kind and understanding. Be as kind to Night and Mee as you always are to me, and you’ll have no problems in your marriage.“ His eyes flit from Porjai to Night. “You, too, be kind to Porjai and take good care of her.“
Night nods as he squeezes Porjai’s hand. Porjai feels awed right now, surrounded by all the people she loves cheering for her husband and her daughter and her to have a good future.
“And I‘ll be by your side, too,“ Mhok promises, “Whenever you need me, you can lean on me.“
Porjai wipes a tear from her cheek while Mhok puts the microphone back in its stand. After that, he moves to hug his best friend, then Night and Mee, and then Porjai again. “Thank you,“ she tells him, hoping her friend feels the overwhelming gratitude she has for him, “for always being there for me.“
“Of course,“ he answers, smiling, “There‘s nowhere I‘d rather be.“
Mhok moves off the stage, then, to make space for Porjai’s mom to speak her blessings. After both of Night’s parents have a go at it as well, he comes back with Day on his arm. Day talks about how grateful he is for his brother and smiles at the three of them and wishes them the best for their marriage.
Night, of course, teases his brother about it later. “Aren’t I the best big brother, mm?“ He laughs. “Can you be a good Nong too, and bring Mee to bed for me?“
Porjai elbows her husband in the side. “You’re trying to lose your best brother title again, aren‘t you?“
“Thanks for defending me, Phi,“ Day says. “I‘ll bring your kid to bed. Not Night‘s though,“ he adds, glaring at Night.
Porjai nods, grateful, and watches Night carefully handing over Mee. She fell asleep in his arms sometime during the dessert and stirs slightly when Day adjusts her to properly hold her in one arm. In his other hand, he holds his cane. Getting around independently is a lot easier for him now, though Porjai suspects Mhok is going to appear in a minute, as soon as he catches sight of his boyfriend holding his niece.
“There‘s a pile with her toothbrush and sleeping clothes on the desk. Don‘t let her get out of brushing her teeth,“ Porjai instructs, “If she won‘t fall asleep after that, just tell her a story. And don‘t forget to set up the babyphone!“
Day grins. “Khrap, Phi! Just like the last two hundred times.“
Porjai huffs, but before she even has to open her mouth, Night comes to her defense. That’s what a husband is for, right? “You‘re an asshole, Day,“ he tells his brother.
Day‘s grin only gets wider. “I know.“
Night shakes his head fondly as he watches Day make his way across the room, Mee safely lodged in his arm. Soon enough, Mhok approaches him from the side and slides his arm around Day‘s. Clingy, Porjai scolds in her head.
Once the trio disappears around a corner, Night turns toward her, a warm smile on his lips.
“My girl,“ he asks, “May I have this dance?“
“I‘m your wife now,“ Porjai reminds him, “Don’t forget that.“
“Of course not, my beautiful wife.“
Porjai lays her hand in Night’s waiting one and lets herself be dragged to the center of the room. The soft tulle of her dress moves around her legs as she walks, and she feels like a little girl, running around and laughing in dresses that make her feel like a princess.
There’s soft piano music playing from the speakers, and it’s perfect for Night to pull her into a slow dance. Gazing up at him, she can see the love and the joy she feels right now reflected in his eyes.
Night’s hands are on her hips, gently guiding her to swing from side to side. Porjai lets herself get swept up in the sensation of Night’s warm fingers splayed on her waist, soft music in her ears. Everything beyond the two of them blurs into hazy background noise; they’re in their own little bubble, and Porjai can’t look at anything but her husband’s beautiful face.
“I still can’t believe I got to marry such a wonderful woman,” Night murmurs, softly, so no one can hear but the two of them, “I can’t wait to spend my life with you.”
Porjai can feel herself glow. There’s this warmth in her chest, spreading all across her body that makes her feel like she’s floating; lost in so much love and contentment that she strived for for so much of her life. “I can’t wait either,” she responds.
Night leans down and presses his forehead against Porjai’s. Closing her eyes, there’s nothing but Night and her, their bodies pressed against one another, warm breaths mingling in the space between them.
To have Night beside her still feels like a dream sometimes. He’s funny, and lights up every single one of her days. He treats Mee as if she’s his own child, and every time she comes to him, he receives her with so much affection and patience. He is honest, and supports Porjai whenever she needs reassurance. She tries to give the same back, loving him and holding him and accepting him on the days everything is too much.
Hopefully, there’s many more years of that in front of them. Porjai wants to hold his hand while they watch Mee grow up, maybe raise a sibling beside her. She wants to spend the mundane days with him, the mornings and the evenings, and she wants to have him lean on her when the days get hard.
Caressing Night’s nape, she smiles into the space between them. “I love you,” she whispers, and she means him, but her chest is filled with so much more love than just the one she feels for her lover: There’s Mee, her perfect daughter, ray of sunshine and hope in her life even if she pouts and cries and gets into so much trouble. Day, who doesn’t let his blindness stop him from caring for his niece, and from loving Mhok. Mhok, of course, her best friend that has promised to stay by her side before Night even came into the picture.
That night, when she asked Mhok to let her stay with her, Porjai could have never imagined for her life to turn out this way—every day filled with so much happiness and surrounded by people that care about her. It’s amazing, how far they’ve come.
“I love you, too,” Night whispers back, and Porjai’s heart sings. She hopes she gets to have this forever.