Chapter Text
JJ sighed, watching as the water slowly lapped over his feet.
The ocean always sparkled at him, glittery and calm. A safe space, naturally. A place where the sun was held high, observing the Pogues and their antics. The beach was full of teenagers during the day, always some idiot running around aimlessly. The sand captured proof of their existence, footprints saying I was here. When the moon began to rise, friend groups gathered to party, and sometimes even fistfight. But that was the fun of it all, right?
Sometimes, it felt like he was wasting his youth away. Not because he wasn’t joining in on the stupid entertainment or because he didn’t have plenty of people to share it with. He did, he was brimming with laughter almost all the time.
It’s just, well he was holding back a lot of love.
He struggled against it, wrestling it until his mind would quiet down. Love mocked him anyway, even when he pleaded for it to leave him alone. It whispered in his ear, taunting him for all the words left unsaid.
Tell him, his mind often urged. It’s eating you alive. And it was right, of course. He’d shake his head to rid himself of the thoughts, which regularly earned him some odd looks. What could he say?
When those dark brown eyes met with his blue ones, the world went soundless. He was able to breathe as if the air went crisp and cold, just for his racing lungs. A relief, that’s what it was. His hands hated him, his palms so desperately craving to reach out and hold on. More often than not, he couldn’t resist. His touch was innocent, just the same as it would be when he grabbed onto John B’s shoulder. He was a physical person, everybody knew that. It grounded him, to feel and prove that his friends were real. It was comforting in a way none of his other senses could reach.
So no, it was weird when he’d lean his shoulder on Pope’s, taking in the warmth of his skin. No, it was normal the way JJ would let his fingers dance on the other’s shin, Pope’s legs resting in his lap when they’d sit together on a couch. If his arm wanted to steadily wrap around his friend a little longer than it would anybody else, who was he to stop it? It pained him to not have their limbs meeting in some place. His brain gnawed at him if he didn’t.
The only thing that was strange about it was the way Sarah would stare knowingly at him. She was kind and understanding to the point where it was unbearable to feel so seen. She would shoot him funny glances, clearly aware of his fists tightening to weaken the impulse. The determined and stubborn need to lunge at Pope and hug him. She saw it all. The girls were smarter than the boys in their little group. He tried to hide it, he really did. Kie and Sarah were just far too alert, too sharp-eyed for him to keep it a secret. Kie glared at him every time he’d rest his hand next to Pope’s in the sand, close enough to bask in his presence.
Her words rang through his head constantly.
No pogue on pogue macking.
He was never going to try anything, honestly. It’s just, the fact that the option was completely off the table made him want to scuffle with the idea. His body identified the rule as a threat and constricting. And he recognized it all the same. Things changed when the relationship between friends changed. And if they ever broke up? Well, that was sure as hell destined to get messy.
Kie was serious about it though. Everyone knew she felt betrayed when Sarah and John B started to blossom into something more. JJ felt the shift within the group, and he too, could agree that it was slightly more awkward.
JJ didn’t want to ruin things further, so he kept his mouth shut.
That’s why he stood here now, contemplating throwing a fit as the sun sunk lower and lower beneath the landscape. The day was ending, and his chance was over.
Realistically, it wasn’t. However, the world felt like it was ending. It was a good day and he wanted to ride the high of it. He wanted to find Pope and- hell he didn’t even know. He just craved and wasn’t allowed to give in.
It was genuinely so stupid, but he couldn’t shake the issue. So he ran instead, attempting to work off his nervous energy. The built-up tension was getting to him, the reserved, private secret trying to break free. He ran until his lungs burned, sweating his emotions out. It just so happened that he ended up on the beach.
The thing was, Pope adored the moon and stars. JJ would’ve hung the entire solar system for him if it meant he’d trade for a kiss, but that was beside the point. Pope and he had grown into a bit of a habit. A routine of the sorts. Meet up as the moon made itself known, wallow in the silence of each other, go for a night swim, and return home for a few hours of sleep the rest of the night. They’d never mentioned it to any of their friends. They just kind of did it once and never stopped. JJ looked forward to it every single hour it wasn’t occurring.
Weirdly enough, it was his favourite thing. Regardless of whether or not they even fully acknowledged each other during it, he savoured it all the same.
It was such a deep contrast to the daytime, that it was hard for JJ to believe it even happened. The unspoken situation was a dream in his mind, never really making sense. He never complained anyhow. Pope was a gentle soul. John B was his brother, undeniably. Kie was the person that could make him laugh the hardest. Sarah, he could gossip with and covertly watch shitty shows with.
But Pope? Well, Pope was Pope.
There was so much liveliness in the light of day. Nightfall was for them, independent from the rest of the universe.
Every extra hour spent alone with the other only drew him closer.
JJ, unwilling to delve deeper into the insanity of love, plunged into the water. He doesn’t resurface, remaining in it for as long as he can cling to his supply of oxygen. He bursts above into the wind when he reaches his limit, shaking the droplets from his hair like a dog. He heaves in gulps of air, replacing the lack of it. And then he settles, simply treading waters, staring at the hues of pinks and oranges in the sunset. Deep breathes, in and out. His heart relaxes into a normal rhythm, easing out of any previous anxieties.
“Starting without me?” a familiar voice calls out from the land behind him.
He laughs, spinning in place. “You’re late.” he returns easily. Sometimes they spoke, but most nights they didn’t. Distinctly, it was going to be the former.
Pope scoffs, head just barely shaking from side to side at his idiocy. “You know you’re just early.” He crosses his arms sternly. “Really early. Why?” he asks accusingly.
“Can’t a man take a dip without being interrogated?”
“Not you, no.”
JJ clicks his tongue. “I just can’t catch a break around you, Pope.” He swims back towards the beach, meeting the other’s strong gaze with an effort.
“So?”
He shrugs in response. “It’s hot out?” he tries.
Pope rolls his eyes. “Wrong. You’re literally shivering.”
“You calling me a liar? You know I’m an honest man. Hurts that you’d think otherwise, dude.” he sets a palm over his clearly broken heart, pouting when he’s met with an indifferent glare.
The boy jokingly shoves him. “Shut up, JJ.”
He huffs out a laugh, sitting down and making himself comfortable. Luckily, nobody else is there. Usually, it’s packed till it gets a little darker. Technically there’s a rule against it, claiming that it’s dangerous to swim at night. Nobody actually attempts to enforce the instructions though, meaning proceed at your own risk. When the moon reflects the sun more prominently, the population on the beach greatly decreases, almost always leaving just the two of them. If there is a bunch of people past midnight, it means there is a party and JJ will most definitely be involved. That is before he decides to wind down and meet Pope in the more secluded area, away from the noise.
Pope sits down next to him, a puzzle piece rightfully returning to its spot.
They fall quiet, seeking out peace on the horizon. And it voluntarily gives it every time.
Pope sighs.
JJ peeks over at him. Curiously, his gaze lingers and he doesn’t feel the need to pull it away. It’s just the two of them, after all. There’s no shame, only free will.
“What’s up with you?” Pope beats him to the question.
“Me?” his face scrunches, confused. “What’s up with you?”
Pope looks over to him, eyes squinted. “Answer my question, JJ.”
JJ knows he’s not the best at hiding his emotions. They slip through the cracks, leaking out for everyone to see. They might not always know the source of them, but they sure as hell know they’re there. So it isn’t a surprise when one of his best friends calls him out on it.
Teasingly, he gives Pope his best puppy dog eyes. “You worried about lil old me?” Immediately, he knows it doesn’t do the trick and that, unfortunately, the other won’t be dropping the subject. Pope levels him with a harsh glare, one that cuts through the bullshit. Defensively, he throws his hands up. “Alright, yeah yeah. I actually was just too hot.”
Pope reaches out and JJ resists the urge to flinch. Softly, Pope runs a finger down the length of his arm, feeling the goosebumps as it glides down to his wrist. “Clearly,” he says sarcastically.
JJ sucks in a startled breath.
Pope doesn’t hear it, but he retracts his hand.
Suddenly, his mouth was very dry. He doesn’t respond. Instead, he returns his eyes to the distance, looking for stability in his inner turmoil.
Eventually, he clears his throat. “I’m only shivering because the water’s cold.”
Pope brings his knees up, resting his arms on them. He doesn’t say anything, but JJ can hear his words in the silence anyway.
“I went for a run and had to cool off,” he answers.
Pope raps his knuckle against JJ’s temple. “This thing bugging you?”
JJ swats his hand away, resting back on his elbows. “I would say something if it was.”
“No, you wouldn’t,” Pope says easily, without even sparing a glance. Rather, he watches the waves calmly crash into one another.
“You’re my friend,” he says with more assurance.
Pope shakes his head. “You’re also the most selfless person I know. Quit being stupid and tell me.”
“You don’t gotta worry about me, man. I’m all good.”
“Then why don’t I believe you?”
JJ groans, wanting nothing more than to redirect the conversation. Or not saying anything at all. That’s what they usually do. So he doesn’t. He lays completely on his back and slings an arm over his face, closing his eyes. The sky moves quick, he realized from a very early age. One minute you’re admiring it and running to grab a camera, next, it’s a totally different scene when you get back. Within seconds, the view from Earth changes drastically.
When he opens his eyes, it’s a dark blue. The clouds slowly start to blend into the darkness, making it hard to tell the difference between the fogginess and the sky behind it. Pope has also laid down and JJ briefly wonders if he accidentally fell asleep.
“You ready to tell me yet?”
JJ groans a complaint again. “How do you even know somethings wrong?” he whines like a child. He scrubs a hand over his face, blinking his eyes into focus.
“‘Cause you make a face when you’re thinking too hard. Like you’re constipated or something.”
JJ gapes at him, offended. “I do not.”
“You do.”
“Do not!”
“You’re eyebrows kinda-“
“Pope!”
“Crease up. And-“
“Dude-“
“You frown with one-“
“Alright, I get it.”
“Side of your mouth. You get-“
“I’m gonna punch you.”
“A little puffy around the edges, if y’know what I mean.”
“Alright! And no, I don’t know what you mean.” he crosses his arms.
Pope grins at him. “Outsiders perspective, I guess.”
JJ smiles too. He knows it’s too soft, too vulnerable. Pope’s doing it too though, so he‘s allowed to. Dilated pupils and rosy cheeks.
His smile fades. Sighing, he glances up at the stars.
“Why were you running?”
“Been eating too much.”
“Liar.”
JJ, knowing there’s no possible way to avoid it, decides to be brave and persevere. His jokes landed on deaf ears, but hey, not for the lack of trying.
He chuckles, the statement sounding dumb before it even leaves his mouth. “I can’t stop thinking.”
Pope does not laugh with him. “About what?”
“Dating,” he says bluntly.
Pope tenses.
One beat.
Two.
Three
Four.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Pope sounds strained as if forcing himself to speak. “Who?” he asks simply.
JJ isn’t bothered by the odd response. He gets it. Beneath it all, their connections run rather uniquely within the pogues. They’ve never prodded at the unexpressed thing that tangles them together. Never even bothered with it. They certainly haven’t ignored it either. It taints every sentence murmured between them. JJ isn’t sure Pope has noticed it. He’s smart, but sometimes he digs far too deep into stuff. He could’ve effortlessly tricked himself into thinking he was just imagining it. But he wasn’t. Not even for a second.
If JJ was able to pick up on it, it must’ve been a hell of a lot more obvious than he originally thought.
Subtle gazes, burning eye contact, inquisitive fingers that desire nothing more than to memorize each and every freckle or scar. Hopelessness bleeds into their actions, JJ struggling to hold it inside. He wished he was able to capture each moment they shared with a photograph. All those times they stood a little too close and never did anything about it. Breaths which mingled when facing each other. It was impossible. JJ knew that even from the very first time he felt his heart flutter.
Once he’d asked John B if he ever felt a little funny about guys before. The other had looked at him like he had a second head. Just as quickly as he was with surprise, he met JJ with acceptance and support instantly. Only to find out that JJ was in fact, not gay and became guarded when John B suggested that he was. He flooded him with excuses like I’m a teenage boy, it’s normal, you’re the weird one. And then he grew up to realize that he wasn’t gay, but he wasn’t straight either. It took him a long time to not feel weird about it. A lot of self-doubt and hatred went into becoming the person he is now. Although he didn’t directly explain what he was, he had a feeling his friends now knew he wasn’t just straight. Same as Kie.
“JJ? Who is it?” Pope interrupted his thoughts, sounding concerned. “It’s not one of the kooks, is it?”
JJ snorted through his nose. “No, no it’s not.”
“So are you already dating someone or…” Pope trails off, letting the context finish it for him.
He shakes his head. “Nope.” he states, popping the p. “Just, you know.” he gestures vaguely at his stomach, the pit of his feelings. Confused, Pope tilts his head like a dog but he seems to somewhat understand anyway. “Let’s talk about you!” he claps his hands together, far too loud for the peaceful atmosphere.
“Nuh uh, man. It’s obviously bugging you so shut up and admit who it is.”
JJ turns to smirk at him evilly, a thought coming to him. JJ waves him off, muttering stupid nothings. Pope does the same movement, except he’s encouraging the other to speak up.
“Oh, you really want to know?” JJ laughs, eyes crinkled. Pipe hesitantly nods, reasonably unsure now. Suddenly, JJ flings himself onto his knees, grasping Pope’s face in a firm grip. JJ gives his forehead a smooch, pulling back with laughter. Pope’s eyes widen.
“It’s you, it’s you Pope!” he says exaggeratedly, continuing to decorate his face in little kisses. His cheek, beside his eye, the tip of his nose, his jaw. “All you dude!” The forehead gets one last peck before JJ pulls back with an annoying mwah.
Pope wipes it off. Embarrassment lines his face. JJ pretends it doesn’t sting to see. “That’s not funny man.”
JJ sighs, amusement laced in the hum he lets out. “Yeah, I know. Not funny at all.”
When he glances at Pope, he looks like a whirlwind of emotions. Anger being the most obvious one. And that was scary because Pope didn’t get angry, not truly. Frustrated and closed off, sure. Angry? No. That showed in his mouth now. Second was that he was the devastation, that one written in his eyes. Where his soul was so clearly held. Plainly and raw, he was destroyed to his core.
Well, that wasn’t supposed to happen. Pope was supposed to scoff and call him stupid. He was supposed to pester him some more.
“Okay,” he says, recovering quickly. “Yeah okay, I’m sorry pope. You know I was only kidding.”
Jesus, he sure knows how to mess something good up.
“That’s the problem, JJ,” Pope muttered as he swiftly stood up.
“Wait what?” he asked uncertainly, scrambling to get up and chase after him.
“I’m going home.”
Voice cracking, he whispers, “What?” He knew how pathetic his own tone sounded, pleading and hurt. It made Pope pause.
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” Pops glances back at him, the moonlight refusing to light his expression up. “Just- I’m going home.” He was so angry that JJ knew it was the right thing to let him walk away at that moment. He watched his back miserably, ignoring the stubborn and sharp rock he was stepping on. Instead of declaring his feelings, or playing it off, he let the boy go home.
A self-deprecating laugh escaped him. The stars stopped twinkling as bright. The moonlight in the reflection of the ocean seemed as if it were grimacing at him. As if it was in pain with him.
“It’s you, Pope,”
The night consumed his words. It sucked them up and threw them into space for no one to ever hear.
If he could hang the solar system for Pope, he’d carve the confession into the moon too.