Work Text:
A million thoughts in my head
Should I let my heart keep listening
'Cause up 'til now I've walked the line
Nothing lost but something missing
The slow beeping of a machine was the first thing Chishiya registered. The second, was a dull, deep-set ache in his chest. The third, he was freezing, except for what he figured out was his hand, held in something wonderfully warm.
It took forever, but Chishiya managed to open his heavy eyelids, blinking slowly, taking in the white ceiling above him, the sharp scent of antiseptic, and the scratchiness of the blanket weighing on him. He turned his head, in the direction where his hand rested on the bed, limply holding another larger, tanned hand.
Arisu sat next to his bed, head slumped over, breathing softly, dark hair wild, his hand holding onto Chishiya’s own.
For a moment, Chishiya felt a surge of warmth, pure relief, and a strange mix of what he could only describe as love.
Love.
How did he know what love was?
Chishiya blinked slowly, drinking in the form of his love, the one who carried him through everything , a strength and capability unwarranted from such a lanky form.
Everything.
Wait.
Even everything Chishiya had done.
The fire. The smoke. The pain of betrayal so deep it was seared into his memory. Crying. Begging. Screaming.
Guilt.
Then he remembered another look of betrayal and of surprise so pure it almost blocked out the memory of searing pain and scent of blood dripping down, hot against his chest.
He hadn’t meant to…
He had meant to save Usagi. But…
He hadn’t meant to try to kill himself, it was just…
The only way he could see himself apologizing, in a way that left no room for any interpretation except for a true “I am sorry, and I regret everything.”
Chishiya didn’t do “regrets”. But with Arisu, he found himself regretting many things.
But not loving Arisu, he would never regret that. He could never regret that.
Even as Chishiya remained behind, weak, pale from blood loss, he had never felt so certain. Arisu would forgive him, right? He loved him.
Arisu forgave so easily, loved so easily.
He loved Chishiya, just as he was. Cold, calculating, empty.
But, Arisu didn't see him as empty.
Even on the nights Chishiya laid in bed at the Beach, clinging to him, his mind completely blank, while Arisu whispered comforting things to him.
That was before betraying him of course.
The beeping of the machine continued, as Chishiya stared, vision and memory still hazy.
Arisu continued to sleep.
I can't decide
What's wrong, what's right
Which way should I go?
If only I knew what my heart was telling me
Don't know what I'm feeling
Is this just a dream?
When Arisu arrived at the Beach, Chishiya felt something.
He didn’t know how to describe it. It was a churning sensation in his gut. It was uncharacteristic of curious thoughts about Arisu, where he was from. How he thought. How he put others' lives before his own. It was not a good feeling.
The feeling that he only read about it in books and scoffed at the absurdity of it all.
It was exactly like butterflies in his stomach.
It made him want to seek out Arisu’s company, or feel excited when he stopped by the infirmary to keep Chishiya company.
There was something about Arisu. He was kind. He was quiet except for occasionally when talking about an old favorite game or book. Then he was animated, eyes sparkling bright, a small smile on his face.
The smile made Chishiya want to throw up.
But it also made Chishiya want to ask him just one more question, show interest, and make Arisu’s smile a little brighter.
It hurt Chishiya a little inside too, something he thought would never happen to him.
He was cold, and aloof. He was untouchable. No one could make him feel anything he didn’t want to feel. No one could make him say something he didn’t want to say.
But with Arisu, he wanted to.
Game: Spa Day
Five of Spades
Rules:
Players will break up into pairs, and enter one room together.
Each player will take one pill. One pill is a placebo, the other is a nonlethal poison that will induce various, severe symptoms.
The player with the poison pill must endure the effects for twelve hours. However, if the player decides to not endure, they may take the tonic provided on the table. This will negate the symptoms and the player will clear the game immediately.
This will automatically disqualify the player who has taken the placebo pill and they will be eliminated.
If the player with the poison pill withstands the effects for twelve hours, both players clear the game, and will be awarded a “get out of jail” card each. The players may use these cards in any game they do not wish to play with no consequences, one time for the owner of the card.
Force and violence are allowed, but if a player kills their teammate, they will be eliminated.
Refreshments have been provided as well. Please enjoy your spa day.
Interesting.
There were a total of sixteen players in the spacious, elegantly decorated lobby in what was probably once an exclusive spa in the real world. Bamboo plants and pale green jade decor tastefully contrasted against the dark wooden accents. The building exuded luxury and refreshment.
People began to pair off, some larger players picking smaller partners, a teen girl, a smaller man with glasses, an old woman with a cane. Probably so they would be the stronger in the pair. It was pretty diabolical, Chishiya thought to himself, the gamemakers revealing the rules so early, allowing people to set up a strategy early on.
Ultimately the game was about dominance. A very Spade concept. Asserting their will, either if they want to end the effects of the poisonous pill quickly and fight off their partner, or restraining their partner from taking the tonic.
Chishiya turned to Arisu just as another player approached them.
“Hey- want to team up-” the man started to say, before Chishya stepped quietly forward, linking his arm in Arisu’s.
Arisu glanced down in surprise, as Chishiya give the man a bored stare.
“He’s with me,” Chishiya said, but leaving no room for argument. The man shrugged, hands coming up to indicate he wasn’t fighting it and walked off. Chishiya dropped Arisu’s arm as quickly as it was there. But the heat from Arisu’s body lingered on his skin. Chishiya wanted to scratch it off but the warmth was too pleasant to follow through.
“Not giving me a choice huh?” Arisu said, voice light, teasing, trailing after him, and that funny, fluttering feeling in Chishiya’s chest came back, full force.
It was hard to describe, but he didn’t feel like himself.
Lately, he wasn’t himself. Chishiya had tried his best to avoid Arisu at the Beach as much as possible, but Arisu was always around, his presence kind, eyes drawing him in, despite himself.
Then they had to play a game together.
Beach intel said this was some kind of Spades game, and he was sent with Arisu.
Arisu of all people.
Neither of them was Spades players, but for some reason, both Hatter and Mira agreed it would be best if they went together. It was strange. But the strangeness did nothing override the scratching of anxiety in his chest.
He hated it.
Ever since he met Arisu at the Tag game, and when he arrived at the Beach, he couldn’t shake the feeling. It only grew, little thorns twirling up from his chest and into his throat. He was off his game, usually anything rolled off his back. But Arisu occupied his thoughts, more often than not.
Arisu trailed after Chishiya as they moved down the hallway, the air still slightly damp from past steam.
“You want me to play the game with you- that’s cute Chishiya,” Arisu said, his voice light, teasing, and Chishiya his face warm as he quickly turned away, hair brushing the sides of his face, hiding from Arisu’s view.
“Don’t say it like that. We stand the best chance of survival if we work together,” Chishiya stated. He inspected the doors in front of them, before selecting a dark brown door.
The room was dimly lit, with more dark wooden accents and white screens, several massage beds, a small trickling fountain, and in the middle, a table holding a bottle of clear liquid and two white pills on a sea green plate. The air was still warm, with a light herbal, eucalyptus scent.
“They really went all out on this, huh?” Chishiya could hear a bit of hesitation in Arisu’s voice, underneath the lightness he tried to keep up. Like he was trying to soothe Chishiya as much as himself.
Chishiya let the thought linger, before trying to shove down that warm feeling once again in favor of examining the room with a careful eye.
“I want you to know-” Arisu started to say, but Chishiya didn’t want him to finish his sentence.
“I want that free pass.”.
Arisu nodded, “Yeah- I mean that’s what I want too. I mean- I won’t, I won’t take the tonic if I get the poison. I don’t want you to worry about that-”
“I’m not.”
The room went quiet again, except for the trickling water. It did nothing to calm the rise of nerves Chishiya noticed again, much to his annoyance.
“I can handle pain,” Chishiya finally said, letting his eyes make contact briefly, locking with Arisu before moving back to the table.
Arisu nodded, “Same for me.”
Was it the same really, for Arisu?
Arisu was something soft and beautiful in this dark place. Sure, he wouldn't want to kill Chihisya just to end his own pain. But could Arisu handle the poison’s effects? Could Chishiya trust that Arisu wouldn’t betray him?
He would take the chance.
The game will now commence. Each player please take one pill.
They both wordlessly picked up a pill, making that eye contact again. Arisu smiled at that small, soft one before nodding.
The pill was tasteless as Chishiya swallowed it. He wondered when the effects would take place.
Then, they waited, moving to sit on a bed each, Arisu chatting lightly about some recent story he heard from that maintenance person…Tatto or something…Chishiya never kept track.
Ten minutes had passed and Chishiya was beginning to wonder if he had taken the placebo pill when a slight sense of twisting in his stomach went from anticipation to full out cramping.
He breathed out through his nose when the pain slowly increased. He could handle it. It would be fine.
Arisu noticed too, he trailed off from the story, the slight furrow in his brown went from nervousness to concern.
“Are you feeling something? I haven’t yet but there might be some time-”
“I’m fine,” Chishiya muttered, harsher than he intended, sucking in another breath as a wave of pain spread from his stomach into his chest, and squeezed like a vise.
He felt like he couldn't breathe, but he forced himself to exhale, eyes closing to focus.
The pain in Chishiya’s stomach turned sharp, and his left arm shot out to balance himself on the bed, leaning half slumped over, choking out a sound. Was the room spinning?
“Chishiya are you alright- where does it hurt…” Arisu moved quickly toward him, his touches leaving this burning sensation on Chishiya’s upper arms, resting there, holding there. Chishiya focused on the slight burn, trying to take his mind off the weird buzzing noise in his ears.
Chishiya swallowed, feeling another wave of pain, “It’s manageable, so far.” Arisu had an arm around him, again making Chishiya lean, this time, against his solid chest.
Was he shaking already? He hadn’t expected it would happen this quickly, and this intensely.
“Here lie down, I’ll bring you some water.”
Arisu helped Chishiya lie down, touches still burning but it felt so nice, so comforting while his body wracked with pain.
“Ah- shit-“
Chishiya blinked, when had Arisu moved? The loss of comfortable warmth made him want to whine, to ask Arisu to come back. The bit of sanity he had left in the soup of his brain made him hold back, it was too embarrassing.
The feeling was humiliating. Even if he wanted to take the tonic, Chishiya didn’t think he’d be able to get up.
But then Arisu’s hands were back, cradling the back of his head, helping him drink some cool water. Chishiya swallowed it gratefully.
Of course Arisu was concerned about him. He was probably the only person left in the Borderland that was hurt by others suffering. Chishiya took another deep breath.
But…a small part of Chishiya hoped that Arisu saw him as more than that, not just another person to take care of, but someone that he cared about.
No one had ever taken care of him. He wasn’t left in the cold, behind, to fend for himself.
The poison was messing with him, Chishiya wanted to shake himself, realizing what he was thinking.
It was like being doused with cold water. Or was it him sweating from the pill? He couldn’t tell.
“It’s okay, you’re okay…”
Arisu’s soft words floated above him as his hands retreated.
Chishiya must have made noise, but he was unable to tell with the way his head spun and his ears buzzed. The pain twisted and he groaned, unable to hold it in. His body felt like he was on fire and drowning at the same time.
“Hey- here let me…”
Chishiya missed the rest of whatever sentence Arisu said, but he couldn’t ignore the way Arisu moved to sit by him, laying down, wrapping his arms around his body. Arisu’s whole self was this incredible blanket of safety as Chishiya’s body shook involuntarily.
Arisu’s lips brushed against Chishiya’s hairline, whispering, “I’m here Chishiya, I won’t leave, we’ll get that free pass…it’ll last a while but you’ll be okay…you have to be.” He brushed Chishiya’s damp hair out of his eyes, his own gaze bleeding concern as Chishiya’s vision swam.
Or was it Chishiya imagining things? He couldn’t tell, didn’t want to tell. All he knew was that he wanted Arisu beside him. He was waiting out the pill, right? How long had it been? It probably had been a while…
He felt bad, actually, when his body twitched and jerked, and he was unable to keep any of those humiliating noises at bay.
Chishiya wanted to say thank you, or that he was okay, or anything to try to alleviate that worry in Arisu’s eyes.
But Chishiya could only shake, squeezing his eyes shut when the tremors got so back he whined and Arisu shushed him, holding him tighter, as if his body would leech some of the pain and help him.
Chishiya wanted that card…
He wanted the pain to end…
Chishiya had always thought he was mentally stronger, smarter, and more capable than any other player in the Borderland.
Here he was, reduced to trembling in another man’s arms, wanting nothing more than for it to end. He knew he had to endure.
It was so hard.
The pain was truly not even the most difficult part. It was helplessness.
He wanted it to end so badly that he felt himself try to move, twisting away from Arisu only for a brief moment before collapsing quickly, gasping for breath.
“It’s okay…Shiya, I’m here…”
Chishiya clung to Arisu’s words, as he clung to Arisu as hard as his weak body would allow.
As helpless as he was, he also held so much power.
He didn’t want it though.
He only wanted Arisu to survive the game. He could hold on for a little longer.
If only I could read the signs in front of me
I could find the way to who I'm meant to be
Before the spa day game, Chishiya would see Arisu around frequently, but after, it was like Arisu followed him around every day. It was like something unlocked in Arisu, as he helped him organize medical supplies, or go to eat together in the evening. Arisu laughed a bit more, especially around Chishiya. Kuina even noticed, lightly teasing him that he had a shadow. Chishiya snapped at her, but it held no element of scolding or annoyance. Kuina just laughed.
When Usagi and Arisu returned from a game, Chishiya found himself worrying, although he’d never say it out loud. The night they were gone seemed to drag on forever. Chishiya arranged and rearranged his gallon jars of spring water three times before Kuina yelled at him to stop.
When they returned, bloody, Chishiya swore his heart stopped. But it wasn’t Arisu’s, it was from Usagi’s back, cut when she grabbed Arisu and slammed them both to the ground, narrowingly missing giant knives swinging from the ceiling of the game’s obstacle course.
“Please- Chishiya, can you-”
Chishiya had only nodded, and they quickly worked together, Arisu’s energy burning with anxious fear, helping Chishiya hold Usagi’s skin gently in place with soft touches and words.
Would Arisu ever be worried for him like that? Chishiya found himself wondering lying in bed that night, much to his own shame but also unable to stop himself from pushing it out of mind.
In the past, he never would have wanted someone to be concerned for him like that, being taught to mind your own business and keep to your own. But having Kuina, and now even Usagi and Arisu…
He wouldn’t mind.
Every step, every word
With every hour I am falling in
To something new, something brave
To someone I, I have never been
The nine of diamonds game Chishiya and Arisu played was mentally exhausting and on the other side of Tokyo, they solved an elaborate code to unlock three doors in a lab, slowly being filled with a poisonous gas. The whole group was useless, except for Arisu, who managed to keep track of the elements on the periodic table provided, which Chishiya found especially helpful for the final stretch.
The game took over six hours, and Chishiya was too tired to make the trek back to Beach, so he pointed out a furniture store to Arisu, and the taller man followed wordlessly, also probably just as tired as Chishiya was.
Chishiya wasted no time in selecting a bed, full-sized with lots of white pillows and a heavy gray comforter. Arisu sat next to him on a larger one, a red and black checkered quilt with black satin pillows. They talked for a while, but soon Chishiya found himself drifting off, sinking impossibly deeper into the warm cocoon he made. Somehow, the bed was even more comfortable than his own at the Beach, he was in deep sleep, how long he didn’t know, but was woken abruptly by a cry,
His eyes shot open as he sat up, head hazy from sleep, taking in the shadowed store. No one was around. That meant…
Arisu was tossing and turning violently in bed, making these small noises of pain, or grief. But he wasn’t waking up.
Remembering from not long ago, the way Arisu’s arms gave him comfort in the most unlikely of places, Chishiya slowly moved from his own bed, reaching across the small distance to Arisu’s shaking form.
He was never good at comforting others. Even when he was with his child patients. It always felt better to say the truth as gently as possible.
“Arisu-” Chishiya cleared his throat, voice a little rough from sleep, as he sat on the bed next to Arisu, hands doing their best to give off a soothing touch on Arisu’s shoulders, “It’s just a nightmare, it’s going to be okay…”
It was like Arisu could hear him, because the furrow in his brow slowly relaxed, but Arisu still cried softly as Chishiya continued to try his best.
“Please- it’s my fault-” Arisu’s words sounded so broken, and something small inside of Chishiya cracked. The man who cared so much for others, he certainly suffered as much as anyone else.
“No it's not your fault,” Chishiya whispered, as Arisu's movements finally slowed, “It could never be your fault.”
Almost like he was possessed, Chishiya found himself lying down next to Arisu, wrapping his arms around him, and pulling him closer. Arisu’s breathing evened out and he sighed.
Chishiya wished more than anything, he could say what he was really feeling. Holding Arisu like that, letting Chishiya comfort him for once…
He was more than glad to return the favor.
I can't decide
What's wrong, what's right
Which way should I go
If only I knew what my heart was telling me
Don't know what I'm feeling
Is this just a dream?
When Chishiya woke up that morning, Arisu was already awake, and returned Chishiya’s embrace from that night, staring at him, but his gaze was soft, fond, kind.
Chishiya blinked at the beautiful man lying next him, both facing each other, wrapped up in each, sharing each other’s breath. The light from the store was warm and golden, and Chishiya never wanted to leave.
When Arisu moved, leaning down slightly, his lips brushed against Chishiya’s forehead. The brown in his eyes like pools of melted chocolate seemed to stare into his very soul.
“Chishiya, can I-” Arisu started to ask, as Chishiya moved.
His own lips pressed against Arisu and in that moment it was like fireworks. The constant churning in his stomach stilled, and his mind that never seemed to take a break, short circuited. Arisu was kissing him, he was kissing him like he was on a mission to memorize every bit of Chishiya, his mouth, his cheeks, his nose.
Love was never in the cards for Chishiya. It was never on his mind. But…what he felt for Arisu, felt like jumping off a cliff with no parachute.
It left Chishiya breathless.
It left him terrified.
Arisu kissed him. He wanted to kiss him. Chishiya Shuntarou. Cold, calculating, empty.
“You’re so beautiful,” Arisu murmured, finally pulling back to gaze at Chishiya, “I want us to live...I want…I want us to leave. Together.”
Chishiya nodded, his hand coming up to cup Arisu’s cheek, but the brief flash of happiness in his mind faded, replaced by his constant overthinking, once again roaring to life, alarms blaring.
This was never in his plans. So at that moment, Chishiya knew what he had to do.
Love was a weakness in Borderland, it meant death.
He had seen this happen, over and over again. Arisu should have known it too, the way his nightmares haunted him.
Love meant death. For him. For Arisu.
Then a week later, when the Beach fell, Chishiya did what he had to do. Pushing Arisu away, Kuina, Usagi, it had to be done in a way they would never forgive him for. Their friendships, their relationships, would only be exploited in the long term.
It did not mean it didn’t hurt though. Like a knife being stabbed over and over in his gut. The look Arisu gave him as he and Usagi were dragged away by Niragi.
It would probably give him nightmares of his own.
It was probably why it was easy, then, when the Second Stage started, when he split from the group. He was always better alone. He played the best when he was alone, not distracted by Kuina’s joy, or Usagi’s strength, or Arisu’s love.
He would do his best to clear the games he played, contributing to the players' success.
Chishiya didn’t know if he wanted to return anymore though. Without Arisu, he felt a distinct lack of light in his life. Was there truly a point?
Arisu would want nothing to do with him. Chishiya saw the pained look on Arisu’s face anytime he looked at him.
It was clear. Arisu loved him, perhaps once.
But now?
Arisu would be a fool to love him again.
If only I could read the signs in front of me
I could find the way to who I'm meant to be
Back in the real world, it took a shorter time than Chishiya would have liked, but the memories of Borderland returned, because the hollow feeling of deep shame reached out from the abyss and took hold of him, so tightly he couldn’t shake it.
But it didn’t bother Arisu, not to what Chishiya could tell.
“I thought you died,” Arisu would say, whenever Chishiya would bring up Borderlands, the tears unshed in Arisu’s eyes held him back from saying anything back. Arisu would sometimes lie in the hospital bed next to Chishiya, touches hesitant like Chishiya would quickly disappear.
He had almost died, from what Chishiya could recall, the final stage, getting shot by Niragi, twice, and the numbing sensation of feeling bleeding out from himself, just like how the blood wouldn’t stop.
Arisu cried when he left Chishiya. It was quiet, but the raw pain Chishiya felt from Arisu’s grief overtook even the pain from his gunshot wounds.
Chishiya couldn’t allow himself to cry, as he lay on the road, alone, with only the wind and the rasp of Niragi’s dying final breaths as company. He deserved it. He more than deserved it. If it meant him dying to save Usagi as an apology for what he did, he would gladly accept it.
Chishiya didn’t want to face the consequences of his actions ultimately, the rejection Arisu could pose was more painful than dying, silently and alone.
But he was alive in the real world, and now reunited with Arisu, Usagi, and even Kuina. They all had survived, and somehow, Arisu and Usagi saved them all.
Arisu and Usagi eventually explained what happened in that final game. Chishiya was confused when the only feeling he felt was pure relief that Arisu had survived. Not won the game, but survived. Chishiya was so sure that the Borderlands was going to consume Arisu, suck away his life until he was nothing but a lifeless husk.
Arisu survived, surprising Chishiya, against the odds of Usagi being used against him. Despite the terrible devastation the King of Spades left behind. Despite the heartbreak Chishiya gave him.
Arisu even surprised him in this life. He was so attentive to Chishiya’s needs, helping him walk, pushing him in a wheelchair when he got tired, and getting him snacks or a drink. Chishiya was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Arisu to suddenly pull back, yell at him, blame him, rage at him. Question Chishiya over and over: Why? Why did you betray me?
And Chishiya didn’t want to answer that. He was kind of hoping that he never would have to answer that.
As time went on, the group was discharged from the hospital, they began to heal their lives, mentally and emotionally. But Chishiya couldn’t help but feel behind. Kuina managed to reconcile with her family, and begin the long process of healing. Usagi found her calling, teaching and guiding mountain climbing lessons and groups, beginning to honor her father.
Arisu began to live. Finally living and embracing his future, going to school, reconnecting with his brother, and…
Taking care of him.
Chishiya couldn’t bring himself to take his previous job’s open position. He stayed home at his apartment, which Arisu somehow moved into. Chishiya told himself it was only while he healed, regained his strength. While his chest wounds only tinged once in a while, or made it difficult to take deep breaths, it was that hollow feeling that truly haunted him.
He felt as if he was dying, dying from the guilt alone, but now, he couldn’t ignore it. He felt like he could die at any moment. It followed him like a shadow. He could see it in the dark circles under his eyes. He could feel it in the way his movements moved like through syrup.
He could see the worried looks Arisu gave him.
The glances from Kuina and Usagi when they all got together for brunch or a group walk.
Every night, Arisu would offer to hold Chishiya, sleep together in the same bed, to help with the nightmares or sleepless nights. Chishiya would decline, trying desperately to ignore the way Arisu’s smile would fall, and he would nod, respectfully.
The growing hollow feeling was growing, from his chest and into his throat, constricting tight.
He ignored it all.
Am I crazy? Maybe we could happen
Will you still be with me when the magic's all run out?
Then one night, they fought. They didn’t raise their voices, but the disagreement was still there, hanging between them almost like a physical black ball sucking the air out of the room.
“Please- Shiya, just - just tell…I want to help you and I-”
“You shouldn't want to help me, I betrayed you, Arisu, I threw you to the wolves and never looked back-”
“You can’t tell me you don’t care about that, I know you do and it's eating you alive- I want to help you because I-”
"I don't care Arisu, I did what I had to do."
"I know that not true- your eyes always told me you cared, so much more than you ever said- I know you think you're not worthy of being loved but I lo-"
“Don’t, don’t say it.”
Chishiya spoke so firmly, he almost believed himself. There was no way, absolutely no way that…Arisu loved him.
He couldn’t. People don’t love other people who hurt them. Who uses them and betrays their trust.
“Let me say it- please, Chishiya…”
It was too overwhelming, so Chishya left. Arisu didn’t stop him.
He wandered the streets of Tokyo for a while in the light rain, not keeping track of the time, street and car lights flashed by, temporarily lighting the darkness until he finally felt the cold and wetness from the light rain.
It took time, but he finally reached their apartment, but he ignored the elevator, instead taking the stairs. He climbed to the roof, his feet burning from the long walk, and sank into a sitting position against the wall, staring at the city.
The night did nothing, it showed him nothing. It only stretched on and on. He could wander the streets and never find the answers he wanted.
Arisu was too kind, too selfless, too good for the world.
For him.
But…
If it was true, and Arisu wanted to be there for him.
Like at the spa day spades game.
Like in the furniture store.
Like their nights spent together, trying to gather strength for the next game.
Like…
When he was bleeding out.
When he won the Queen of Hearts game. Won to save his life.
Chishiya pulled out his phone and sent a text.
Only four minutes later, Arisu appeared, out of breath, hair wild as always, eyes kind as always, but with a bit of desperation in them.
“I’m…I’m here, I'm here Shiya.”
It was all Chishiya needed to hear as the tears began to well up and trickle down his cheeks. It was like a flood breaking a dam. He broke down, fully crying. He hadn’t cried since he was a child. The crying turned into sobbing and Arisu was right there next to him, arms around him, solid as always. The grip of that hollowness in his chest began to ease, lessen, and fade softly into the background, no longer at the forefront of his mind. He clung to Arisu like he would disappear at any moment.
“You’re her-here,” Chishiya managed to choke up between sobs and heaving, uneven breaths. "You came."
“I’ll always be here for you, I promise. I'll never ignore your call. I promise.”
Arisu kissed Chishiya’s temple softly, and Chishiya could feel Arisu’s own tears dripping down onto his face, buried in Arisu’s neck.
Again, Chishiya didn’t do “regrets”.
But loving Arisu, he would never regret that. He could never, ever regret that.
If only I knew what my heart was telling me
Don't know what I'm feeling
Is this just a dream?
If only
____
This isn't just a dream
I know what I am feeling
I know what my heart is telling me
We will never be an “if only”