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Never born, Never died: visited planet earth between October 13, 2003 and March 9, 2020.
Phee knelt down as his thumb traced the outline of the inscription across the cool limestone. His breath caught in his throat as memories of Non flooded through him.
The day they met, their first kiss, their first fight.
Non's warm smile and his sparkling, brown eyes that crinkled at the corners when he smiled.
The musical sound of his laughter.
The utter contentment of falling asleep together, their limbs tangled comfortably as they hid in Non's room while his parents were out.
He should be caressing his soft cheeks, outlining words made of love across the warmth of his skin, gently, tenderly. The flat of his fingers should be tracing anything other than the solid rock that now laid beneath his hand.
Instead, the cold marker that laid beneath his fingers served as a final reminder of a life that disappeared too soon, extinguished too quickly.
"I miss you, Non," Phee whispered. A breeze rustled through the cemetery as if in response.
He never meant those hateful words that he had spat at him. His anger had clouded his judgment, making him lash out in fire, so ready to destroy before he was the one burned.
If he could go back, he would take back the last words that tumbled through his lips, born out of frustration and fear. Fear that Non was slipping through his fingers. Fear that he wasn't enough. Fear that he had already lost.
So, he threw Non away first, before he could find himself abandoned. His mother had already been the first to leave him behind, had shown him the pain it meant to love someone and lose them in one breath. He wasn't going to let Non do the same to him. There's nothing worse than being left behind, he had convinced himself.
Phee's intuition had always been uncanny, but this time he wished it had failed him. Irony seeped into his bones as he realized that the one time he wanted to be in the wrong, his instincts had proven to be spot on.
Non used to poke fun at him for finding joy in being proven right. His pride had always been a source of amusement for the both of them, especially since Phee had a lot of it. But now, as he sat with a heavy heart and an empty void, Phee couldn't find any solace in it. He never thought he would long for the biting pain of being wrong.
Every fiber of his being ached with regret as he laid on top of Non's empty grave. He longed to turn back time, to tightly wrap Non in his arms and never let go. But it was far too late– the damp earth had already claimed him, burying all their hopes and dreams beneath its surface.
Phee longed to reach out and be met with Non's warm body. to feel the solid weight of him against his own skin. If he closed his eyes for long and hard, he could almost swear that he could feel Non all around him, could almost hear his voice gently teasing him for being a sap. But memories were a fickle thing. It was like a phantom, lingering and clinging onto him even at the darkest hours. Yet, the warmth of Non's touch was slowly slipping away, harder to recall, as it melted into the void of his absence with each passing moment.
And no matter how hard tried, whenever he turned his head trying to catch a glimpse of him, there was only empty space that surrounded him.
Some days... it was hard to recall the cadence of his voice, the gentleness of his touch.
"Forgive me," Phee whispered, a single tear trailing down his cheek as guilt continued to rise, "Oh god, Non, forgive me."
But, it was too late for forgiveness. Time had passed and he had missed his opportunity to hold Non close in his arms one last time. There were no second chances, no do-overs, no chance to make things right. It was a bitter pill to swallow, knowing that there would be no opportunities to mend what they had broken.
All that he had left was a headstone, standing tall, stark and unyielding against the wind. A final reminder of his failure to keep his one promise, a cruel monument to his broken promise and the haunting absence of Non's presence. The emptiness consumed him, shattering his heart into irreparable pieces.
Phee continued to trace his fingers over the cold stone, following the curves and lines that spelled out a name that was now confined to his memory. The stone stood still before him, its shadow stretching longer than Non's life ever had the chance to be.
"I should have held on tighter," he whispered to the open wind, hoping somewhere, somehow Non had been listening. "I never should have let you go when you needed me."
Kneeling, Phee had laid a small bouquet of wild flowers against the stone. The small, delicate petals fluttered in the soft breeze, so fragile, so fleeting. Like Non's life. Like their love.
As the sun dipped below the horizon, Phee found himself sprawled atop of Non's empty grave, leaning against the headstone, clinging as if he could tether himself to this place—tether himself to Non.
Even though years had passed, the dirt had settled, but the pain was still remained raw.
The day of Non's funeral had been overcast and dreary, fitting for the somber occasion. It had been a simple service. Only Phee and Non's family had been in attendance. Instead, Phee had stood motionless throughout. The quiet, subdued atmosphere was shattered only by the heart-wrenching wails of Non's mother, her supposed pain echoing through the stillness. Yet, Phee stood deaf to the sounds, seething in his anger as his hands clenched tightly into fists, his nails digging into his palms as he struggled to contain his emotions. Where was she when Non needed her? Where were her tears when she had let Non overhear how little pride she had in him?
He held so much anger on behalf of Non. His mom had failed him.
Everyone had failed him.
He had failed him.
Phee's blurred vision had been fixed on the polished oak casket, its smooth surface reflecting the fading light of the setting sun as it laid empty with only Non's uniform inside. An empty void was left its wake as it was lowered into the ground. His world had been swallowed up by the darkness.
The funeral had been a scene straight out of one of Non's nightmares. Vacant. Lonely.
"I wonder who would attend my funeral if I were to die today?" Non had mused, as they laid sprawled against the lake shore, watching as the calm waters lapped against the floor. "I hope you'll be there. My dad. My mom, at least to keep up appearances. New... Do you think my parents would tell him? Or would they let him finish up the school year before letting him know of my passing so it wouldn't screw up his grades?"
Phee hadn't known what to say, what perfect combination of words would be able provide to the comfort that Non most needed. Instead, Phee had wrapped his arms around Non and hugged him tight. It hadn't been an uncommon topic for them even though Non's words had hung heavily in the air, but after finding Non choking on the pills, alone, without anyone there but Phee to save him, it had felt too much of a possibility. Had smelled too much of preparation.
In a vulnerable moment, Non had admitted, "I have this fear that when I die, there won't be anyone there to mourn me. That no one will even remember my name."
Phee had swallowed hard against the lump that had formed in his throat. "If you die, I won't forget you," he had promised fiercely, tears threatening to well up when he remembered the way Non had clung to him after taking the pills. "I'll remember your name, your face, your voice. You'll always be with me."
Yet, standing in front of plot as the gravemen dug, Phee couldn't help but think that each shovelful of dirt that had hit the casket lid had sounded like claps of thunder. Non had always hated the thunder. As Phee had watched the earth burying the empty casket, a sick part of Phee had been grateful that Non hadn't been stuck, alone in death, under the suffocating weight of soil as it pressed down on him.
The night of the funeral, he had stayed at Non's grave, unwilling to leave him fully alone and unready to say his final silent goodbye to his love.
Phee had felt numb, unable to fully process the fact that even without a body, Non might have really been gone.
His mind had replayed their last conversation for hours. If he had answered, would Non have still been around?
Phee had stayed there for what had felt like days. The moon had risen high in the sky, casting an eerie glow over the fresh dirt that had been laid. But he hadn't move, his heart had been unwilling to leave the final resting place of his love.
Grief and exhaustion had tangled together as Phee had closed his eyes, giving in to the respite that sleep was able to provide even for a few moments. When he opened them once more, he found a figure approaching him from a distance. For a second, his heart froze, mistaking the silhouette for Non's. His eyes had tricked him under the moonlight, as he got closer he had realized it had been New– Non's older brother.
New had sat down next to Phee without saying a word. Both of them had found themselves lost in their shared grief for a while, unable to exchange words without taking a deep breath.
"I can't believe he's gone," New had offered quietly, his voice heavy with grief. "It doesn't feel real."
Phee had only been able to nod in agreement, feeling the weight of Non's absence crushing him in waves. "I still expect him to walk through the door at any moment, to wipe away my tears for me and tell me that this was just a bad prank. To have more faith in him again."
The two had fallen into silence again as they clung to the damp earth beneath them with tears that had threatened to spill from their eyes.
That night they both had buried the one person they cared for the most.
Even now, with his eyes closed and head resting on the gravestone, the pain of Non's loss had only dulled to a constant ache.
The day they had buried him here felt like a lifetime ago. The grass had grown over the mound of the upturned earth, hiding all signs of the hole that laid beneath where they had laid his empty casket to rest. Nature carried on its cycles, so incredibly indifferent to the grief that consumed him.
The painful memories held a bittersweetness now. The arguments, the misunderstandings, the sadness. It had all been a part of loving Non. No matter how much pain they had caused each other, he wouldn't trade those memories for anything, even when he wished to change them. To change Non's fate.
As the sun began to set, Phee finally opened his eyes. He slowly got to his feet, joints stiff from sitting too long. With one last lingering look at the headstone, he whispered once more. "I really miss you."
He will never get to see Non past the age of seventeen. His image will always be frozen in time. Never younger and never older, unmoving and unchanging.
There are sunrises that will rise and set, changing the landscape of the world which Non will never wake up to see. While Phee, now twenty-one will continue to age, perhaps reach fifty-three or even eighty-six. He'll be forced to spend countless years without Non by his side, watching countless of sunrises and sunsets in his stead, and see the seasons pass him by.
But he'll still look for him, in the passing cars and blooming trees, and March will never quite really be the same.
As Phee reached the edge of the cemetery, he couldn't help but turn back once more. The sun cast a golden glow on the hilltop and for a moment he would sworn he saw Non there, waving in the warm light.
"I'll see you soon," Phee swore, "I'll see you soon."