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The sound of sentiment blared loudly through plugged-in amplifiers, along with heavy beats, complicated melodies, growls, and strained voices.
His gaze pans from left to right, taking in the view of the local pub’s jam-packed crowd for perhaps the hundredth time tonight. Blinding, too blinding —he winces, white washes over his pupils as his eyes linger a second too long on the strobe lights illuminating the stage. They’re nearing their twentieth song already, yet, his heart races. Breathe . Soobin’s legs already feel like jelly, but he remains standing, his electric guitar proud against his torso as he lets it sing.
Long, calloused fingers quiver slightly in exhaustion as he strums the final chord on his instrument, his forehead already glistening in sweat after a two hour-long set. It’s Still Dreaming’s final song for the night, cheers and applause ring through his ears, and he could hear their vocalist Taehyun thanking everyone in the crowd with Yeonjun running an improv on the drum set. How flashy. Soobin smiles as he looks at a few faces in the front row.
Still Dreaming—a rock band consisting of Choi Soobin on guitar, Kang Taehyun on vocals, Choi Yeonjun on drums, and Huening Kai on keyboard and sub-vocals.
This —it hits Soobin, right on cue. This is his life.
He wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.
“Loud crowd tonight. I think they’re really starting to like the new song.” Yeonjun breaks the silence as they start to clean up and prepare to end the long night before dawn breaks outside the floor to ceiling glass windows. Kai on the other hand zips up the bag of his electronic keyboard, and the drummer watches him, thinking to himself why he won’t just leave it instead since they play here every night, except during times where they bagged a gig with a more lucrative pay or a snazzier venue. Kai also wiggles out of the leather jacket that Yeonjun offered him earlier tonight and frees himself from the uncomfortable choker that the same hyung coaxed him into wearing, telling him that it’s for the vibes. More often than not, the angel Huening Kai listens and obliges.
Taehyun responds with a complacent grin, “Yeah, it was actually insane.” Nothing can knock him off his high horse now, especially after being the genius behind their new song’s lyricism. And everyone collectively chooses not to. This is Taehyun’s arsenal . He haphazardly stashes his stuff inside his duffel and turns to glance over their band’s leader, still looking as bothered as to when they started playing.
“Hey, is it still about that guy?”
Soobin presses his lips in a thin line, giving a slight nod of assent. “It’s the third time this week.” His hands hover above his guitar case, packing screeched into a halt. His eyes are transfixed on one particular seat, giving it a long, hard look.
The four-seater table furthest from the stage, always occupied by the same individual, with his bag placed on one of the chairs and his flannel draped on the backrest of the chair placed beside the window. The said stranger is known to invariably leave just after all the indie bands have finished with their sets, and as soon as Soobin’s band runs a quick soundcheck before formally starting. The guitarist wouldn’t have minded it all this time, except the said stranger always leaves with a sour look on his face.
“And the same went for last week. And the week before that. Even during the night when we announced we’ll be performing a new self-written song.”
“You’re still keeping count?” Taehyun crosses his arms in front of his chest. “Hyung, that’s just how life in this industry works. We’re bound to have haters, I guess. Think of it as our ticket to fame.” Taehyun just shrugs, having chalked up the situation with the stranger to just a meager case of being an anti. He pats Soobin’s back before scurrying off to join their other two bandmates.
Soobin doesn’t listen to the words of his younger bandmate. He bites the inside of his cheek.
Taehyun sighs. “He’s just another face in the crowd, hyung. Hell, he’s not even in our crowd. Stop racking your brains out trying to figure out what that guy’s thinking about. Trust me, you’ll need the peace more.”
He slings the strap of his bag over his right shoulder and puts his hands inside the pockets of his pants. “I’ll be heading off to the dorm first with Yeonjun hyung. I’m beat. I won’t force you to stop thinking about it anymore because it does seem like it’s something that bothers you, but come home and rest after you’ve collected your thoughts.” After bowing and thanking the pub’s manager that’s currently at the counter, Taehyun and Yeonjun both wave at Soobin before heading to the door.
Soobin feels a warm hand creep up his back. “He’s right, Soobinie hyung. Don’t beat yourself up too much trying to look for answers. We have another gig here for tomorrow night, let’s just focus first on that, yeah?” When he turns to look beside him, he sees Kai, already back in his plain black and visibly overworn hoodie, bangs back down to poking his eyes after brushing out the gel from his slicked back hairstyle earlier, with his headphones draped around his neck. A big contrast to how Kai looked like a total rockstar earlier tonight.
Soobin chuckles to himself, finding it somehow endearing.
“I’ll be joining Yeonjun hyung and Taehyun on the way back to the dorm, I wanna rest quickly now too. I think I better hurry because I don’t really like walking in the dark by myself.” Kai offers a hearty grin, to which Soobin returns with a dimpled one. Soobin nods. “Bye bye, hyung. I know you’ll be going on a detour before heading back to the dorm, but don’t take too long or I’ll hog your bed.”
With the rest of his bandmates already gone, Soobin is left with only the pub’s staff and the illuminated sign flickering here and there. He quickly gathers his things inside his bag, draping it on one shoulder with his guitar case on the other. He bids farewell before finally heading out himself.
He begins to walk along the city’s still bustling nightlife, fluorescent lights from buildings and blinding beams from incoming traffic almost drowning out the moon’s illuminated glow. Soobin stares blankly at the sky.
He continues to walk. This is Soobin’s ordinary—after finishing a performance late at night, his heart longs for a stroll and a moment of leisure and self pondering. Again, breathe. He lets his thoughts muffle out the sounds around him, until he is in his own little world, not a single care in any external forces that might come his way.
♫
Dried leaves crunch and crackle under brown fall ankle boots, ruble formed from the hard concrete scratches against its rubber soles, the breeze subtly crooning as it cradles innocent faces of those sauntering along the suburbs like a gentle yet invisible hand. An elevator dings from a building he passed by, indicating the rise and fall of the lift as civilians come and go.
He muses. Today must be a good day. He surmises from the sensations brought by sounds within his surroundings. Good vibrations —his favorite kind of music.
Today’s a normal Tuesday afternoon, the air is still as humid as yesterday’s. The world is still as silent as it was a week ago, two summers ago, and about two decades and three years ago.
To Choi Beomgyu , every sound is but a mere vibration—no more than just a muffled, muted whisper.
According to his mom, he wasn’t a difficult child to raise. All that ever contributed to the noise at their home back in Daegu was Toto, the parrot his parents decided to take home one day all because little Beomgyu couldn’t stop staring at one when they went to the zoo. He didn’t ask too many questions either. After being raised in a loving home as an only child and being homeschooled until his senior year, he didn’t really have anyone to compare himself to. Due to his setup, making friends was especially difficult. He considers himself lucky for even making one, and that said friendship had stuck with him all these years. For Beomgyu, he wouldn’t want it any other way.
Although, there was one question that he asked—one that he brought up during the most mundane Sunday.
Is the world more beautiful with sound?
Beomgyu signs, slender fingers intricately spelling out words, applying what he learned from yesterday’s lesson on sign language, making sure he captures the right nuance this time. His mother could only smile at him, a gentle squeeze to his father’s hand, before moving her own fingers to get a message across Beomgyu.
No. But it is more beautiful with you in it.
He tilts his head, warmth slowly swaddling his chest. He learned to accept the peace enclosed in a muted world surprisingly easy. Warm. The silence might be cold, but the world he was able to establish with people he holds closely to his heart, is warm and pleasant.
Now, with the same warmth and hope that he always wears in his sleeve, he traverses to a local pub—one that he goes to frequently. Not for the drinks— well , except for a few bottles of Heineken that he decides to order from time to time, but mostly just for the overall vibes and sensations he gets from the place. He feels the bells on the door chime as he enters, and he settles down the table near the entrance beside the glass window.
When he was young, his father introduced him to music. He didn’t want to deprive his son of the cathartic experience that it brings just because of his inability to hear. Music isn’t something you listen to just by ear—it’s something you can feel with your eyes, mind, and heart. And since then, it has been a linchpin in Beomgyu’s everyday. He learned to find comfort in vibrations. The calm buzzing. The washing over of soundwaves in a shore of muted grains of sand. Peace.
Years of exploring brought Beomgyu into the realization that he enjoys music that are within the indie-alternative R&B-acoustic spectrum. Music that are not too loud, don’t focus on overly lavish drum solos, and especially not those that coerces you to go into a headbanging fit. No thank you, Beomgyu has a chronic stiff neck already. Calm music—calm vibrations. Just that is enough.
The pub he often goes to holds open mic sessions for indie bands, providing a serene and laid-back atmosphere for its customers. Beomgyu inhales the crisp scent of freshly wiped counters, velvet cushioned stools, and the eclectic mix of cocktails and mimosas dawdling about. He sits and watches comfortably, feeling the sounds travel from the amplifiers and speakers in the form of smooth vibrations.
He leaves, however, just before the rock bands finish setting up. After being carried away with writing in his journal, his focus gets ripped away from the paper as soon as someone plays the drums obnoxiously, irritating Beomgyu as it causes his table to shake slightly. Still Dreaming, was it? Beomgyu recalls seeing a band poster plastered right outside the pub, and the faces in it resemble the guys getting up the stage currently.
Well, there goes his signal to take off. He doesn’t have any personal beef with any of the members, nor does he know anything about them aside from the type of music they play. Their vibrations overwhelm Beomgyu. And so he scurries off, brushing off the uncomfortable feeling as he marches out the pub’s doors.
It’s a little past seven in the evening, and Beomgyu doesn’t feel like coming home to his apartment yet. Besides, his roommate slash best friend won’t be home until late next week, anyways. People blur past him. He lets his feet drag him to wherever it desires, and he finds himself stumbling in front of a cafe.
Perfect. Beomgyu orders a drink. Pulls out a seat. Wears his Marshall IV and plays a couple of recordings from a few bands earlier. He sips from his cup, an iced strawberry latte, the whipped cream leaving a white smudged mustache on his upper lip. He breathes out a silent laugh of content.
He didn’t notice that about two hours had already drifted since he got here, and since he finished his drink. Time sure does fly. He observes how the sugar had already dried up at the bottom of the cup. He stretches in his seat, rolls the sleeves of his flannel up to his elbows, and puts his things inside his bag. He stands up, smiles at the kind barista, and proceeds to exit the cafe.
Beomgyu sways his head from side to side as he slowly walks, lightly tapping on his thigh how he remembered how the beat went from a bassist from one of the bands earlier. It made him hark back to the time where he first blasted Post Malone’s Candy Paint on his Marshall IV.
Which reminded him, he’s still yet to purchase the singer’s recent release.
He thinks and thinks. What has he done recently that makes him worthy of going on a splurge? Well, it won’t be a splurge if he’ll just purchase a single limited edition vinyl, right? If he’s going to play it every single day, then he’ll be sure to get his money’s worth. Besides, his record player is kind of passe, and a new album will help give it a more of-the-current feel. He nods to his brilliant idea. Girl math.
Trudging along his usual route, he passes by a record store. Without a single thought more, he enters.
♫
Soobin is at the same record store, roaming around trying to look for an LP to give Kai in an attempt to bribe him to stop sleeping in Soobin’s room when he has a perfectly good bed inside his shared room with Taehyun just a few steps away from Soobin’s door.
In retrospect, he thinks about how he probably should’ve gone straight home with Kai.
His ears perk up as he hears the bells on the store’s door collide against each other. His eyes shift to the door’s direction for a split second before going back to the Camp Rock LP he was able to fish out from the discount pile. That’s funny, the person who just entered was wearing the same checkered flannel that the infamous stranger at the pub was wearing earlier today. Are flannels in season right now?
It’s also quite hilarious as the person’s hairstyle resembles that of the pub stranger’s—the wispy ends of his bangs draped along the bridge of his nose like a sheer blanket, the back a little long but not enough to touch the flannel’s collar. They’re also both in a distinct chestnut color. Soobin’s eyebrows begin to knit together at the coincidences.
Until.
Oh. Hold on.
Soobin does a double take, his eyes shifting back to the stranger that’s now at the aisle across from him, holding what seems to be a deluxe version of Post Malone’s AUSTIN. His eyes gradually widen as he realizes the coincidences aren’t just conveniently laid out like a pretty pink soiree. The guy in front of him is the real deal, and his insecurities personified.
Their eyes meet. The stranger looks away.
That should've been Soobin’s signal to just leave and head home. Instead, his feet brought him beside the stranger before he could properly process it.
He mentally curses himself. The stranger is already looking at him again, a noncommittal look on his face. Soobin takes a deep breath, might as well say something now to avoid making himself appear anything more than a plain fool.
He debates on whether to take on a cool persona, saying oh, you’re here too nonchalantly as if he wasn’t just staring at the guy awkwardly for the past painful minute, or should he just be blunt and ask him what he’s been curious of for weeks now, cornering him with do you think our music’s ugly ?
Soobin’s mouth ran much faster than his mind could ever, rendering all that thinking irrelevant.
“You’re ugly.”
The stranger just continues to stare at him. Blinking a couple of times. Pupils shaking slightly.
The realization hit Soobin like a truck going eighty miles per hour along the infamous streets of Arizona, and perhaps a few seconds too late. He can’t believe he fumbled this hard, having mixed up the words in the worst way possible.
“Oh—oh! Fuck—I mean, not fuck you—fuck me, that’s what I meant!” Cold beads of sweat start to form on Soobin’s creased forehead.
“And I didn’t mean to say that you’re ugly—I mean you’re not exactly my type—but you’re far from ugly! I was just thinking of a lot of things and got the words all jumbled up!”
Soobin, however, could almost see the ellipsis coming out of the guy’s head. He just wants to bite his tongue off now to prevent himself from saying a whole fresh load of nonsense, but he’s afraid that doing so would just lead him to wincing in pain.
“...I’m sorry.” Soobin says in the end with a sigh of relief, sounding awfully pathetic. Good thing the guy he’s talking to can’t hear that— but he doesn’t know that . “It’s just that I see you every night in that place where my band usually plays. But you never really stuck around until we actually got to perform. I’m from that band Still Dreaming? Does that ring a bell?”
Silence.
“I’m Soobin, by the way. I play the guitar. I’m usually the first one that goes up on stage to set up?”
The stranger blinks—two, three times. Still silent.
“Uh, here.” Soobin frantically searches his bag, quickly taking out the now crumpled band poster of Still Dreaming with their performance dates, just like the ones right outside the pub. He hands it to the guy in front of him. “We have another gig tomorrow night, it’s going to start a little earlier than usual. You can come if you want. I promise we make decent music.”
As soon as the paper touched the stranger’s hand, loosely settled between his fingers, Soobin sprinted out of the record store. Forget getting Kai a new LP and kicking him off of his bed. It seems that Soobin will be needing that company tonight, someone to pat his back and tell him he’ll be alright after embarrassing himself in front of a stranger that’s all too familiar.
♫
Soobin ended up sleeping for only an hour. And a half if you’ll consider him flaking out of his thoughts as he took a cold shower.
Despite his bad luck, band practice still needed to proceed. As the band’s leader, he needs to suck it up.
After running through a song that they agreed on putting on the setlist, Soobin calls everyone to take five. Yeonjun playfully pokes Taehyun’s ass with his drum stick. However, as the piece of wood grazed the crevice between his ass cheeks making Taehyun yelp a little, the sound elicited almost glazed with a hint of lewdness.
“That’s an f flat. You kinda fell off a little there, buddy.” Kai just casually says to Taehyun’s moan without flinching, hitting the note a few times on the keys of the electric keyboard.
A snigger erupts from behind them, and Taehyun sees Yeonjun quickly seal his lips shut after getting caught. He forcefully pulls the stick from the drummer’s hand and uses it to repeatedly hit him on the arm. Yeonjun calls out to Soobin for help, however, despite a variety of ‘Ow’ s and countless ‘Tae—Taehyun’s hitting me! Do something!’ , Soobin’s too out of it today to even hear what’s going on around him.
Yeonjun decides to look at Soobin, then seeing the lack of sound sleep written all over his tired eyes. “Woah, bro. You look like you didn’t have a good night. Did you even sleep?”
“Hyung got humbled.” Kai speaks up as he drifts his fingers across the black and white keys, mindlessly playing a rendition of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata. “He saw the stranger that’s been avoiding our performances like the plague as he was on his usual after-gig stroll. Tried to talk to him too, but the guy just ignored him.”
Kai’s instrumental background makes Soobin’s sob story a bit more dramatic, and Soobin doesn’t know whether he should be pissed off or impressed by how the young pianist doesn’t even need to spare a glance on the keys. Kai shows off his talents in very peculiar ways.
“Hyung even invited him to come watch our performance later tonight. I doubt he’s gonna come now out of all days. And after hyung called him ugly.”
“Wait, Soobin hyung called him what?”
“But that was just a misunderstanding. Hyung didn’t mean to say that. That guy was dumb for not even speaking even once when Soobin hyung was being polite.” Kai shrugs, smiling at Soobin. He continues to play, now one of Chopin’s sonatas.
“Why’d you have to say all that then?”
After seeing Soobin grab one of Yeonjun's drumsticks, Kai starts screaming as he runs around the room, being chased by Soobin. It seems that drumsticks are a famous weapon within band boys now.
♫
Beomgyu’s phone vibrates on his desk. He smiles upon reading the name of who’s calling.
“My baby! Hello!” The other person’s excitement translates into lifted eyebrows and elated, fidgety fingers, signing the words for Beomgyu to understand. Kim Minjeong, Beomgyu’s best and only friend since his childhood, and now his roommate in Seoul that’s almost never home.
The two met when they were both in first grade back in their family homes in Daegu. Being quite the conversationalist that she is, she diligently studied a book about sign language that he found on one of Beomgyu’s bookshelves, just to talk to the interesting kid living inside the house beside her.
Minjeong’s nickname Winter also originated from her next-door friend. As she struggled to sign Beomgyu’s name, he suggested that she could use bom or 봄, the hangul character meaning spring since Beomgyu was born during a warm afternoon during spring in 2001. Hearing this, little Minjeong got jealous and wanted her own season name too. That’s when she remembered that her birthday falls on the first of January, a freezing winter day.
Since then, spring calls out to winter as winter calls out to spring.
And now, after a year had passed since they graduated from university, they both decided to move to Seoul together to pursue their respective careers. However, Minjeong’s face can only be seen in their shared apartment rarely, for she often stays with her supermodel girlfriend Karina.
“It’s been a while. Your bedsheets are already starting to collect dust. You at least better come here to change them.” Beomgyu signs his lecture, though there is no trace of heat in his gestures.
“Just tell me you miss me, Beomie. Come on, it won’t kill you.” Minjeong replies, earning herself an eye roll from Beomgyu. “Oh, you cut your hair! I’m glad! You don’t know how many times your dad called me Beomgyu whenever I was at your house. I even grew out my hair down to my butt!”
“It feels foreign now. I’m not used to having my ears exposed like this.”
“Don’t worry. It suits you.” Winter smiles, full of warmth, dichotomous to her ice-cold name. “Anyways. Anything else new while I’m away? I’m wounded, you don’t even facetime me anymore! How am I supposed to get my regular dose of Beomie news?”
“As if you call me frequently yourself.” Beomgyu emphasizes every word, his hands a little too close to the camera. “Well, there is one.”
“Oh, yeah? Tell me, tell me!”
“Remember that band I mentioned to you before about a couple of times? I ran into one of their members last night while I was buying something.” Beomgyu starts to tell his best friend about his interesting encounter with the band boy last night.
“Hmm, how was it?”
“I don’t know. He was talking to me but I couldn't make out what he was saying. I’m not good at lip reading, so I just stayed standing in silence.”
“Well, baby love, that’s not your fault. Band boys are dumb. Why would he even continue talking to someone that’s not interested?” Minjeong reassures through softer hand movements. “What does he look like?"
Beomgyu takes out the poster that Soobin gave him, placing it in front of the camera for his best friend to see. “Here. He’s the one standing in the middle. It says here that his name is Soobin.”
“Wait. Why do you have a poster of them?” Minjeong questions through knitted brows, bringing her hands together after she signs.
“Oh. He gave it to me last night. I think he wants me to watch.”
“You’ll go?”
“Of course not.” To which Beomgyu doesn’t need Minjeong to sign ‘are you sure?’ for him to know that’s the look she’s giving him.
“Wait. Hold the poster properly again. A little higher.” Minjeong orders, squinting her eyes as she looks at the piece of paper. “Oh? He’s holding a guitar... He’s a guitarist? Beomie, ain’t that your type? Oh wait no, he looks like a bad boy…”
“No actually…” Beomgyu chuckles as he signs, the memory of Soobin vividly flashing back in his mind. “He’s more of a loser.”
The response earns an eyebrow raise from Minjeong. "A guitarist and a loser? Ain't that paradise for you, my dearest Beomgyu."
“Oh shut up.” Beomgyu dismisses, to which Minjeong points to his cheeks, teasing his now reddening cheeks. “Will you be back here by next week?” He asks in an attempt to divert the topic.
“Probably in about a couple of weeks more.” With her one-track mind, she gladly takes the bait. “Karina’s booked and busy with shoots and runway shows. I’m being a good and useful girlfriend as I help her travel and carry her luggages of clothes.”
“A useful girlfriend or a bodyguard?”
“Don’t question the ways of those who walk the path of love. You just don’t get it!”
“Whatever.” Beomgyu waves off a hand in front of his face. “I’ll be going now so you’ll miss me and you’ll finally decide to pay me a visit.”
“Alright alright, drama queen. Bye, Beomie! I’ll see you soonest, promise!” Winter directs a flying kiss towards the camera before Beomgyu ends the video call.
♫
That evening, Beomgyu paces around his room, eyes on the band poster sitting nicely on his bedside table.
It wasn’t until the facetime call with Minjeong that he started to actually think about if he should go. Maybe it’s his friend’s audacious elaboration of Beomgyu’s ideal type that he’s beginning to gaslight himself to see the guitarist in a particular lens, and to see something that isn’t actually there.
He’s fond of people that can play the guitar well—that much is true. Although he can’t hear them, he likes seeing how their fingers glide along metal strings, eliciting a special kind of vibration that tickles Beomgyu’s fantasy in a fascinating yet serene way.
And it’s not that he likes losers, he just likes them a little weird and dainty, yet gentle. And with the spontaneous encounter with Soobin last night, having been forced to bask in his soft features instead after giving up on lip reading, well…
Stop. Why am I thinking about this?
Beomgyu ruffles his own bangs in muddled frustration. This is definitely Minjeong’s doing.
However, if he decides to go and watch, he knows he’s bound to get overwhelmed with excruciating vibrations if he stays for too long. After all—it’s a rock band, and Soobin’s obviously not the only member.
Beomgyu checks the time on his phone. He surmises they might be halfway on their setlist by now.
He draws in a long breath.
Drawing in a long breath, he gets up from the edge of his bed. Grabs the nearest coat from his cabinet. Stuffs his apartment keys inside one of his back pockets, and his phone on the other.
♫
For the past half an hour, Soobin’s eyes search every corner of the pub in the hopes of finding the stranger. Although not receiving any form of response, he still hoped that he would’ve at least considered going.
He isn’t coming, Soobin. Get a grip.
Maybe Taehyun’s right. Perhaps it would be best to stop trying to figure out what that stranger’s thinking about. Soobin isn't much of a people pleaser. He doesn’t know why seeking approval from that one specific person that he doesn’t even know the name of is that important to him.
He was about to look away and initiate eye contact with his bandmates instead, when he sees a familiar figure just outside the glass window wall. Even though the pub is completely dark and the spotlights are limited to the band performing in front of them, Soobin can still get a clear glimpse of the all too familiar stranger thanks to the lighting from the street lamps outside.
Soon enough, their eyes meet. The world seemingly stopped for a moment until slowly, a small smile creeps up on Soobin’s lips. A waft of confidence struck the guitarist. The stranger may only be watching from the outside, but for Soobin, it’s more than enough. And he looks like he’s not going anytime soon.
As Soobin gracefully trudged along a complicated guitar solo as if it was a walk at the park, the crowd’s cheers echo from ear to ear. And without him knowing, a particular stranger was smiling too, right outside the pub.
“Woah, hyung. You looked like you were glowing earlier. I almost thought you’d swallow us all up.” Taehyun compliments Soobin, and their other two bandmates hum in agreement.
“Really?” Soobin happily takes in the flattering remark, unable to hide the emerging smile as he wipes his sweat as they just finished another tiring set.
“I agree. What changed? Earlier today at band practice you looked like you were on the brink of collapsing.” Yeonjun joins in, walking towards Taehyun as he uses his own towel to wipe the sweat from the vocalist’s neck and forehead.
“I saw him. He watched.” Soobin’s cheeks begin to glow once more just by the mere mention of the stranger getting to watch him earlier.
“He really did? After you embarrassed yourself— umph! ” Taehyun grabbed the towel from Yeonjun’s hand to shove it inside the drummer’s mouth before he could finish talking. He glares at Taehyun, but the vocalist doesn’t let him remove the piece of cloth from his mouth.
“I guess he’s not a hater, after all.” Taehyun says, slowly nodding as he thinks back to what he said before. “That’s why we shouldn’t judge at first glance.
“Who even is that guy? Do you think any of the staff members here know his name since he’s here regularly?” Kai questions, giving Soobin an idea.
He walks towards the bar counter where a bartender is seen wiping shot glasses.
“Hey man, got a second?” Soobin settles on the stool, leaning his elbows against the counter. “Do you know that guy with brown hair that’s always alone at that table over there?” He asks, pointing to the table he’s talking about.
The bartender seems to know exactly who Soobin’s referring to. “Oh, Beomgyu? Yeah. The one that’s always alone listening to the indie bands?” Beomgyu. Beomgyu. Soobin repeats inside his head a couple more times. It sounds like a name that suits him. “Why’d you ask?”
“Nothing… just, curious about him.”
“He looks like a nice guy, but is a little reserved. He’s deaf, though. Whenever he orders here, he just slips me a sticky note with what he wants to have.”
Oh.
It hits Soobin now.
Beomgyu is deaf.
But why does he come here to watch the bands play if he can’t hear them after all?
“Oh I didn’t know that. Thanks.” Soobin says before walking off to join his other bandmates.
So that’s why he didn’t answer Soobin’s questions that night. It’s not that he’s being rude, he just couldn’t hear him. Soobin bites his lower lip as he inhales deeply.
He needs to apologize soon.
♫
A few days had passed since Beomgyu watched Still Dreaming just from the outside of the pub.
He’s not really the type to go to cafes religiously to get a coffee fix, but lately he’s been enjoying going to those with really nice exteriors and even cozier interiors.
He is in one today, too. He brought along with him a sketchpad, his Ipad, and his trusty Marshall IV. He’s been wanting to forcefully push out the creative juices left in his brain for he has been in a slump for a month now.
He sips on his drink, a white chocolate mocha this time. As Beomgyu twists his Apple pen between his index finger and thumb, about to open Procreate, he feels a presence in front of him. His eyes slightly widen as he looks up.
It’s Soobin.
He points at the chair in front of Beomgyu, as if asking if it’s taken. Beomgyu shakes his head and gestures for him to sit down. Soobin sees the sketchpad and pen laid on top of the coffee table, pointing at it too as if asking Beomgyu if he could use it. Beomgyu just nods.
Soobin grabs it and hoists it up his knee. He starts to write something, and Beomgyu, though a little confused with what’s happening, attempts to lean closer to peak.
‘Hi. I saw you the other night. Thank you for coming. :)’
Soobin turns the paper around for Beomgyu to read. Soobin’s sudden gesture surprises Beomgyu, but he smiles a lopsided one in the end. He nods at Soobin.
Soobin pulls the sketchpad towards him again to write. He shows it to Beomgyu after.
‘I’m sorry if I was being annoying and obnoxious that night at the record store. I just wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t know that you couldn’t hear me. I hope you’ll forgive me. Your name is Beomgyu, right?’
Beomgyu’s eyes slightly widen at what he’s reading. Wait, he knows I’m deaf? He blinks a few times. How did he know my name? After a few moments of silence, he decides to slide the sketchpad to his direction, flipping to a new page before writing.
‘So you know I’m deaf…? And how did you know my name?’
Beomgyu quickly shows what he wrote to Soobin before turning it towards himself again to add a few more words.
‘And your name. It’s Soobin, right?’
Soobin nods, showing a gentle smile. He didn’t expect for Beomgyu to know his name as well.
‘I asked one of the staff at the pub, I hope that’s okay. And yes, my name is Soobin. How did you know?’
Oh so maybe that’s how he learned that I’m deaf, too. They begin to slide the sketchpad back and forth, communicating through words written in jet black ink.
‘It’s on the band poster that you gave me.’
‘Oh… right. Do you mind if I ask you something?’
‘Depends on the question. What is it?’
‘How are you able to enjoy music?’
It’s not a question that Beomgyu expected to receive. It made him smile. He always finds it delightful when he gets to share things like this.
After he finishes writing on the paper, he pulls out his headphones from his bag and connects it to his phone. He gestures for Soobin to lean closer.
‘Here, hold this.’ Beomgyu puts his headphones in Soobin’s palm, letting him hold it where the sound comes from. He then scrolls through his music playlist, letting one of them play in full volume.
‘I like feeling the vibrations. I find comfort in them. My dad told me that music isn’t something you listen to just by ear. It’s something you can feel with your eyes, mind, and heart. :)’ Beomgyu writes as he lets Soobin hold his headphones.
Soobin’s mouth forms an ‘o’ shape, nodding slowly as he learns about the reason why Beomgyu likes music. Despite being a musician for a living, he hasn’t thought about music that way. It’s like a new door has revealed itself to him.
‘That’s wonderful. I haven’t thought about music that way. Is there any particular type of music that you like?’
‘I do. I really like those that fall under the indie, alternative, R&B, and acoustic type. I find their vibrations to be the most soothing. Although, I’m not really the biggest fan of hard rock music.’
Soobin let out a nervous laugh as he sheepishly ran a hand through his bangs.
‘Is that why you always leave just as we’re about to perform?’
‘Yeah… I don’t have anything against you guys personally, don’t worry. I just find your vibrations overwhelming.’
‘Then why did you agree on watching us perform the other night?’
‘Because you looked desperate.’
Soobin felt the slap of reality. Beomgyu may be deaf, but he is far from dense. Now Soobin wonders if he really laid his thoughts out that crystal clear.
After seeing Soobin turn silent, Beomgyu decides to write on the sketchpad again.
‘I only watched from outside so I didn’t feel the overwhelming vibrations all too much. Besides, you’re quite enjoyable to watch. You look like you enjoy doing what you do.’
‘Thank you. It feels great to receive such high praise.’
Smiles linger between a musician and a listener. The silence is comfortable. Beomgyu ruminates. He’s already used to being surrounded by silence.
But sometimes, silence is better when there is company.
When Soobin is within his company.
‘Hey, I’d like to get to know you more… Is that okay?’ Soobin rests his chin against his palm as he lets Beomgyu read his message.
‘Of course. Only if you’d let me watch you again some time. :)’
Neither of them realized that it’s already dusk by the time they finished conversing, with only a few pages left on Beomgyu’s sketchpad. Soobin apologizes, telling him he’ll buy him a new one, and Beomgyu only laughs at him wholeheartedly.
As they bid farewell, each going in their separate paths, Soobin longs for the time he’ll get to spend with Beomgyu again.
There’s no band practice tonight, but Soobin heads to the direction of their studio because he forgot a hoodie that he borrowed from Kai last week. Not that Kai would even notice one missing in his stash, but Soobin might end up forgetting about it completely.
As he arrives, he unlocks the door with his set of keys. His ears perk up as he hears something inside the recording booth. That’s funny, all of them decided on resting today instead, so he didn’t expect anyone to be here. He didn’t bother checking—he’s here for one thing and one thing only, and that is getting Kai’s hoodie.
It didn’t take him long until he found what he was looking for, sitting on the cold, hard floor beside the couch. When he picks it up, he inhales a whiff of fine dust that must’ve settled on the fabric due to being on the floor for a few days now, making him sneeze incessantly. He sniffs and wipes his nose with the back of his hand. He tells himself to put it in the washer once he comes back to their dorm.
Still recovering from his sneezing fit from the dust, Soobin leaves the studio and wipes his nose once again. Before turning around to head to the dorm, he makes the decision to make one last stop. He walks into a bookstore, in search of a book about sign language.
♫
The next day unfolds, and Soobin finds himself inside the studio again for a band practice this time.
“Were you guys recording a song or something last night? I think I heard Taehyun bust out some high notes but I think it’s a little too sexy. Is that our concept for the next album?” Soobin asks after telling the boys that he was here last night, mainly looking at Taehyun for he thinks that he’s the owner of the voice that he heard.
Yeonjun spits out the water that he’s drinking, spraying it all over Kai’s keyboard, the pianist’s ‘Hey!’ resounding around the room.
“Yeah uh, I was helping Taehyun test out some adlibs. Definitely for our next album.” Yeonjun says, avoiding Taehyun’s gaze as the vocalist glares daggers towards him.
“Hyung, you didn’t check who it was? You really have no sense of urgency, don’t you? What if they ended up being thieves?” Kai questions, wiping the keys with tissue paper.
“Yet they weren’t.” Soobin shrugs, and Kai just sighs in defeat.
“Where did you go yesterday anyways, hyung? I saw a book about sign language on the kitchen counter earlier when I was cleaning.” Taehyun asks.
“Oh my bad, that’s mine. I must’ve left it while I was eating breakfast. I went to a cafe yesterday and saw Beomgyu. We conversed for a while. I learned from one of the bartenders that he’s deaf, so I made sure to pick up a sign language book before going home so I can study about it.”
“Wait, I’m a little confused. Beomgyu? Is that the name of the guy at the pub?” Soobin nods at Yeonjun. “Oh… So if he’s deaf… Why did he… How did you guys… talk?”
Soobin chuckles at the older bandmate. “It’s a long story. But we talked through pen and paper. He said he enjoys feeling the vibrations that music causes.”
Taehyun nods slowly, mouthing ‘oh’. “You talked using pen and paper? That sounds very 1800s of you. That’s a bit romantic.” To which Soobin unknowingly blushes a sheer tint of pink to.
“So have you guys gotten closer?”
“I guess we’re friends now, we talked for a while yesterday. We agreed on getting to know each other more, and he said that I should let him watch me play again soon.”
“Oh? I told you, you were shining last night, Soob. I’d be attracted to you too if I were him.” Yeonjun says as a matter-of-fact.
“He doesn’t see me that way, hyung. Besides, we just started talking yesterday.” Soobin plainly says. But something inside him wishes his hyung were right.
“You’ll never know, Soobie.” Yeonjun cheekily grins, to which Soobin rolls his eyes. “You’ll never know.”
♫
Today, Soobin sees Beomgyu sitting by himself again at a cafe. He decides to approach him again. But this time, he doesn’t have to ask if he’s allowed to sit down beside him.
For weeks now, Soobin and Beomgyu had been constantly spending more and more time together. Whether stumbling upon each other at random cafes or texting each other to meet up.
Or, maybe meeting each other coincidentally at coffee shops aren’t really coincidences. Maybe one of them is actively searching around nearby cafes to try and find the other. Maybe—maybe.
And for weeks, Soobin had been diligently studying his book on sign language. Upon knowing about it, Beomgyu’s heart had seemingly skipped a beat.
Soobin still has far to go in learning, but now at least he’s able to understand what Beomgyu’s saying, and is able to form semi coherent sentences himself.
“No, that’s 숲! That means forest, silly.” Beomgyu could barely finish signing, silent laughs fill the air. Today, he’s teaching Soobin how to sign his own name. “It should be 숩.”
“That’s just a one character difference.”
“No, no. The way 숩 is constructed looks like a house. A home. It’s far different from forest.” Beomgyu corrects, demonstrating the word over and over to Soobin.
“Home?”
“Yeah, home.” Beomgyu nods. “I think it’s fitting for you. You’re warm, just like home.” As he sets the pen down, his hand lightly brushes against Soobin’s. It’s much bigger than his. He wonders if his hands would look good interlaced with Soobin’s. He shakes off the thought before a blush could spread across his cheeks.
“And you’re pretty just like spring, Beomgyu.” Soobin signs back, looking into Beomgyu’s eyes.
If Beomgyu were to stare into Soobin’s eyes for even a second too long, he reckons he might drown. He shakes his head as he blinks, averting the gaze. He brushes his hair behind his ear.
“Yeah, uhm. Let’s go back here.” His fingers tremble a little as he signs, opening a random page and pointing at whatever word his finger lands on.
As he browses the book, he swears he could see a slight smirk on Soobin’s lips at the corner of his vision.
♫
Since rehearsals are far more chill than the real performances, Soobin invites Beomgyu to a few of their band practices after pleading Yeonjun to tone down the drums for a bit.
“Hello! It’s nice to meet you.” As if on cue and as they rehearsed, Soobin’s friends and bandmates all greet Beomgyu in sign language after being taught by Soobin the night before. Beomgyu smiles heartily at the gesture, signing back to them how he’s glad to be here.
They play their more relaxed songs whenever Beomgyu is with them. Soobin’s bandmates aren’t oblivious to the fact that he’s indeed glowing whenever Beomgyu’s eyes are on him, even participating in singing the back-up vocals.
And Beomgyu never tore his gaze away from Soobin. There’s something about the way that he’s performing that entices and fully captures every nerve in Beomgyu’s body.
Yeah, yeah, Minjeong. You win. Beomgyu could only sigh. Maybe I really am a sucker for losers who can play the guitar.
♫
During one of the band’s rest days, Soobin invites Beomgyu to accompany him as he practices the guitar inside the studio. And Beomgyu happily agrees.
After Beomgyu told him that he especially loves acoustic guitar music, he began to use his acoustic guitar again. He figures he should use his arsenal if he wants to impress Beomgyu.
Both seated at the couch, Beomgyu watches as Soobin’s fingers pluck the strings of his guitar. Good vibrations, it puts Beomgyu in a much lighter mood.
He waves a hand in front of Soobin’s face to get his attention. “What song are you playing?” He signs, a smile resting comfortably on his face.
“The Only Exception by Paramore. You like that song, right?” Soobin replies to which earns him a nod, patting Beomgyu’s head before he resumes playing. He keeps his eyes on Beomgyu, only ever sparing split second glances on the fret of his guitar whenever he has to change to a more complicated chord.
As Soobin finishes the song, he sets the guitar down on the space beside him. He rests his back against one of the sofa’s cushions and lets himself slowly sink into it. He then feels soft hands grab his own rough ones, Beomgyu’s fingers tracing his own.
“Do they hurt?” Beomgyu signs. He must be referring to Soobin’s calluses. Ghosts of the strings left indents on Soobin’s fingers. His delicate touch sends tiny shivers across Soobin’s body.
“Not really. I’m used to it now.” Soobin closes and opens his palms again. “I guess it’s the price I pay for making beautiful music.”
“They’re beautiful.” Beomgyu’s gaze shifts from Soobin’s fingers to his eyes. “Beautiful.” He signs again.
Right then and there, Beomgyu’s voice was clear. And it was desperately calling out to Soobin.
There is nothing but warm air separating the two, along with vulnerability and an unspoken certainty. It might seem that neither of them would want to speak upon it, just wanting to preserve the moment and keep it playing for the next eons to come.
But Soobin would rather act now than regret it when they parted ways again for the night.
He throws caution to the wind as he leans in even more dangerously close until the space between them completely dissipates. He takes one last look before he closes his eyes. His lips land on Beomgyu’s.
And Beomgyu kisses back.
♫
Yeonjun and Taehyun finished the song that they were working on last time. They brought the news to their dorm’s dinner table as they were all gathered to eat Taehyun’s cooking.
Soobin’s spoon stops mid-air as the whole room turns silent, with only the sound of the recording coming from Yeonjun’s phone. They all listen diligently.
“Is that a new type of percussion? I don’t think I’ve heard of that before.” Soobin breaks the silence with his question, eyebrows furrowed as he continues to listen. The song has some weird sounds incorporated with it, but since it’s the work of their main producer Yeonjun and master lyricist Taehyun, of course it sounds like a hit in the making.
Meanwhile, Yeonjun fights the urge to chuckle. “Yeah, yeah. Glad you picked up on it.”
You nasty animals, Kai says in his mind as his eyes widen slightly. He knows it’s the sound of Yeonjun and Taehyun fucking that the so-called master producer incorporated. He mentally gags at the thought of skin slapping as he continues to listen, but he chooses to stay silent.
That clearly sounds wet and sloppy. What type of fucking percussion sounds wet and sloppy? Do they think we’re into voyeurism?
“What’s the matter, Kai? Do you not like it?” Yeonjun asks as he notices the look on their youngest’s face.
“No no, it’s alright…” Kai tries his best to retain his poker face. “But I think it’ll be much better if we maybe drown out the percussion with a loud piano solo?” Kai offers. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to stop himself from losing his mind if he were to hear that vulgar sound on official streaming platforms.
“What do you mean? You suddenly want to own the song that we made?” Yeonjun says, not really liking Kai’s idea.
“I never said that, hyung. It was just a suggestion.”
“Then suggestion denied. Next.”
“I just can’t stand listening to that atrocious skin slapping, hyung, did you think I wouldn’t notice?!”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I can’t hear the song, goddamnit! Can you both quiet down?” Soobin, shockingly unaware of what the situation is and the currently unfolding of the intimate relationship between his two bandmates. He just wants to continue listening to the song, but Yeonjun and Kai won’t stop their shouting match.
“Don’t suddenly play innocent, you know what I’m talking about! Do you know how many times I caught you doing it in Taehyun and I’s room that’s why I can’t even sleep there? That wasn’t percussion. That sound was—”
“Everyone shut up! Just shut up!” Taehyun shouts as he stands out, grabbing the attention of all of his band members. “Kai, you… Really? You saw…?” Taehyun’s voice breaks off into the end, almost whispering.
“Yeah. For the love of God, Yeonjun hyung has his own room. Go there instead.” Kai felt like a large bone had been pulled out of his lungs. He finally got to say what he wanted to say for the past few months.
A little lost in the situation, Soobin looks around him. “What are you guys talking about?” He wonders why they won’t just let him in and give him the context instead of fighting.
“...Nothing, hyung. Don’t worry about it.” Taehyun says, and Yeonjun and Kai both nod while looking at Soobin, all looking like red tomatoes making Soobin even more confused.
“Okay…?” Soobin says, and the room falls silent again as no one dares to touch their food after that.
“I shall protect my peace for innocence is bliss.” Soobin decides with a sigh. “But I’ve been thinking if you guys could help me.”
“What is it, hyung?” Kai is the second to speak up.
“Can you perhaps… help me serenade Beomgyu?” Soobin asks as he fidgets with his fingers. “We have a gig this upcoming weekend at that place we always play at, but as usual, they booked us as a rock band. Would it be okay if we divert from that genre for just one night? I just want Beomgyu to be comfortable as he watches us. I’ll be the one to pay you guys if they end up paying us only half for—”
“Hyung, hyung. Hey.” Taehyun had stood up to reach over Soobin, holding his shoulders. He smiles at the band leader. “Of course we’ll help you. And no need to pay us to compensate. They can pay us however much they want. I don’t mind.”
Soobin’s smile reaches his eyes due to Taehyun’s reply. When he turns over to look at Yeonjun and Kai, they seemingly had made up, and are both holding up their thumbs.
“What songs are you thinking of performing, hyung?” Kai asks. All three of them had stood up already, surrounding Soobin.
“I’m not sure yet, but can we add Paramore to the set list?”
♫
Beomgyu checks his phone as he walks down the sidewalk. He’s currently on his way to the local pub he usually goes to. A few nights ago, Soobin had invited him to come watch one of their gigs. A little hesitant at first, he just told Soobin that he already sees him frequently during their band practices. But Soobin insists that he attends this one, even promising that Beomgyu’s bound to have a good time.
Saying no to him is already hard. Besides, it had been a while since he watched a performance of their band inside the pub.
Beomgyu’s afraid he might just end up falling for Soobin even more, just like the first time he decided to watch him on stage.
When he got to the place, the seats were already starting to get filled with people, his usual seat already taken by a group of young adults. As he was searching for an alternative seat, he sees Still Dreaming’s pianist Kai from the stage, waving at him. He squints his eyes as he walks closer to him, and Kai points at a seat in the front row. Beomgyu smiles, seeing the words ‘Reserved for Choi Beomgyu’ written on a piece of paper that’s taped to the chair. He then settles down and waits for the band to start.
After a couple more minutes, the rest of the band members started to emerge from the back stage. And when Beomgyu sees Soobin with his guitar hanging by his shoulder, the guitarist winked at him.
Their set up is a little different now, Soobin is standing in the middle and Taehyun is at the guitarist’s usual spot at the back, now holding a bass guitar. This intrigues Beomgyu and the rest of the pub’s regulars.
Soobin lightly taps on the mic before speaking. “Hi. We are Still Dreaming.” He starts by introducing their band name. “To those who might be familiar with us, you might’ve noticed that our formation’s a little different today. I’ll be singing tonight’s first song, is that okay with everyone?”
He takes the crowd’s loud cheer as an audible yes. “Great, great. And tonight’s set list is a little more chill compared to our past ones. I hope it fits your liking.”
Beomgyu is a little lost as soon as Soobin starts talking. However, he sees Kai, Yeonjun and Taehyun shoot their thumbs in his direction, mouthing ‘enjoy’ .
Soobin takes a deep breath as he prepares to start the song. Beomgyu noticed that instead of holding his guitar, Soobin’s hands are resting on the mic stand.
“If you know the song, please sing along. This song is dedicated to a very special person that I’m trying to win tonight.”
When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry
And cursed at the wind
Soobin starts off the song, and the crowd starts to sing along with him. Beomgyu had to blink a few times, scratching his eyes as he refuses to believe what he’s currently seeing.
Is Soobin… also singing the lyrics in sign language?
Seeing the confusion written all over Beomgyu’s face, Soobin could only smile as he looks directly at him. Soobin hopes that Beomgyu would hear him—and how his heart chooses him.
He broke his own heart and I watched
As he tried to reassemble it
The Only Exception by Paramore. By the second line, Beomgyu had already grasped the idea that the song Soobin is currently singing is a song he holds dearly in his heart.
And my momma swore
That she would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist
This song is for Beomgyu and Beomgyu only. And everyone else in this room is a witness of how much he feels for him.
But darling, you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
Beomgyu is yet to experience everything the world has to offer. Yet, he knows in himself by now that this is the pinnacle of love—nothing could ever surpass Soobin tonight, making Beomgyu feel romanced in the best way possible.
Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts
Perhaps they could make that love last. Beomgyu knows he wants to. He’d grasp at every straw to make it possible.
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone
Or keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
The song being something that’s different from what they usually play, Beomgyu doesn’t feel overwhelmed anymore. He feels comfortable. He feels at ease. And in Soobin’s eyes, he feels the most sure.
And up until now I had sworn to myself
That I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
But you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
Oh Choi Soobin , the man that you are. Beomgyu desperately wants to run up on stage to pull him in a hug, and perhaps kiss him in front of the crowd.
As the bridge part comes, Soobin remains in the middle, but he lets Taehyun sing it instead. As Taehyun continues the song, Soobin starts to move his hands again.
“Hi. Did you like the song? It’s for you.” Soobin signs from stage, unable to contain his wide grin. All eyes are on both of them now.
“Are you kidding me? That was the most romantic thing someone did for me.” Beomgyu looks at him fondly, replying through delicate hand movements.
“I’m glad. I hope that stays the same for a long time.” Soobin stays still for a moment. He inhales deeply before continuing, “I want to be the only person who does romantic things to you. To my spring, will you be mine?”
Beomgyu’s eyes widened, the question making his heart run a thousand miles in just a single second. He presses his palms against his chest, and feels how it feels like it’s on the verge of exploding. Yes, Soobin. He badly wants to shout it out and spell it out for him the way Soobin confessed to him through a performance.
However, Beomgyu could only spell out one thing.
“Can I kiss you?”
With no hesitation, Soobin steps down from the stage and walks towards Beomgyu. He reaches for his hand and helps him get up from his seat. Soobin gently cradles Beomgyu’s face within his palms, kissing him in front of everyone else.
The corners of Beomgyu's lips lift upward, smiling against Soobin's plump ones. It's comfortable, it's cathartic, and most importantly, Soobin's lips feel almost identical to home. As Soobin hums into the kiss, Beomgyu senses familiarity despite having only kissed for the second time.
They're slightly better than the good vibrations he's learned to find within music that indie bands put out. They're flawless—perfect, even. Perfect vibrations—the epitome of Soobin's kisses.
As Beomgyu's warm hands reach for Soobin's nape, pulling him in, he lets himself linger within the premises of his new favorite kind of sensation.