Work Text:
When everything is done and said, when all his tears have dried and his throat screamed raw.
Mo Xuanyu just lays on the ground.
I hate this.
At some point time started to blur together. He tries thinking about where everything had gone wrong, wonders what he could’ve done to change this. Whatever this was.
I hate Jin Guangshan. I hate Jin Guangyao. I hate. I hate. I hate. I hate.
When he first came to the Koi Tower, Mo Xuanyu was nervous. It was nerve wracking to stay in that place. Yes it might’ve been the place he always wished to go, it was the place where his mother had always envisioned him at. But that only made it more nerve wracking.
And he was desperate.
Mo Xuanyu was yearning for the approval of his father. It didn’t matter to him that the man clearly had other reasons, than his own sense of responsibility, for taking him in. It didn’t matter to the boy what those reasons might be. The only thing that mattered was his father’s attention and making his mother proud. Those were the only reasons why he came here.
So he put up with his father’s, at times, strange compliments. He was probably just unused to the affection of a father.
It makes him want to puke. The wandering eyes. The too intimate touches.
So he put up with the whispers behind his back and the scorn in his teachers’ eyes. He knew that this would happen, it was expected even. At the end of the day he was still a bastard after all.
He doesn’t want to be here either. He wants to go home. He’d rather be scorned in his village instead of ridiculed here.
So he worked harder and even harder to try and cultivate. Even if he has troubles with the practical uses he could at the very least have the theory down.
At night he might cry into his pillow. He might miss his mother and wish to go home, so what?
His first time meeting his half brother, Jin Guangyao, was surprising. The man was almost a decade older than him but still welcomed him with open arms and a smile. He made staying at the Koi Tower so much easier.
Mo Xuanyu had expected glory and righteousness when his father took him in. But when he became a disciple of Lanling Jin, it seemed like a silly fantasy. The Koi Tower was confusing. Everything felt like a play or an act, nothing was genuine and there were whispers or hidden knifes behind every word said.
It scared him. He didn’t know how to deal with this fake kindness, with smiles that are more like a predator showing their teeth or the backhanded compliments. But Jin Guangyao did, and he also wasn’t their fathers legitimate son but he worked hard and managed to carve out a place for himself in this golden tower.
His brother gave him hope. If he worked hard enough, if he learned the rules enough, maybe he can find his place here too.
Of course, Mo Xuanyu wasn’t stupid. He noticed when his brother started asking him help research demonic cultivation that he had other motives than what he claimed. The boy knew that what they were doing was dangerous. He is aware of the fact that it was borderline heretical.
But he didn’t care.
Not really at least.
What he was doing was helping his brother after all. This was Mo Xuanyu repaying the favour to this kind and righteous brother who was gracious enough to help him. It was for the person who didn’t belittle him for being a bastard, for the person who didn’t look at him with disgust despite the fact that Mo Xuanyu liked pretty and more feminine things.
Jin Guangyao was his brother. One of the few things in this weird backwards tower that made even remotely sense to him. Whenever he helped him, or even if they just talked, he could almost pretend that he wasn’t questioning everything that he knew every night. Mo Xuanyu could pretend that he wasn’t crying into his pillow because he missed his mother and just wanted to go home.
So he ignored the, at times, strange compliments.
He didn’t. But it’s fine.
So he ignored the fact that he was researching demonic cultivation.
He didn’t. But it’s fine.
So he ignored how there was a dismembered corpse out there.
He didn’t. But it’s fine.
It would be fine. He was helping Jin Guangyao after all. He was helping his brother after all. His brother was a good and righteous cultivator, his brother who was the Jin Sect Leader now.
It’s not fine. It’s not fine. It’s not fine. It’s not fine. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not.
Sometimes, when he was helping his brother out in the room behind the mirror, he wasn’t quite sure what he was doing. He remembers one time while he was helping his brother and Xue Yang research, there was this moment of weird clarity. It was as if someone had pulled his head out from underwater. Mo Xuanyu remembers asking himself what in the name of his mother he was doing there. A rush of panic held him in a choke hold. He knows for a fact that he starting panicking and if also fairly sure that his body has been shaking.
What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?
“A-Yu? Are you alright?”
He was helping his brother.
Everything is fine.
He can’t even remember why he felt such overwhelming panic.
“Yeah! Sorry, I think I didn’t sleep well”
His brother had chastised him for not taking better care of himself and Xue Yang made some snarky comment that Mo Xuanyu didn’t bother with. Really, why was he so nervous a second ago?
Something is wrong. Something is wrong. Something is wrong. Something is wrong.
After being thrown out. Mo Xuanyu was just… tired.
He loved Jin Guangyao like a brother. Nothing more, nothing less. His brother The sect leader had been one of the few things that just made sense in that place. And the man had welcomed him with open arms and allowed Mo Xuanyu to help him with his research-
Ah.
His research.
Of course.
Jin Guangyao didn’t trust. Of course he didn’t. Why would he trust a cut sleeve him Mo Xuanyu? It makes sense why he would arrange for him to be thrown out now.
It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. He trusted him with that. He had trusted his brother with that! It hurts. It hurts so much. Why does it hurt so much?
Mo Xuanyu wasn’t sure how or when he had come home. Well, calling this place his home might be a bit of a stretch. This is where he grew up, this is where is beloved mother was. Oh, he hopes that she isn’t too disappointed in him. But he’s sure that once he explains what actually happened to his mother that she would understand! It’s his mother after all! His dear, beloved-
Mo Xuanyu came home to a corpse hanging from the ceiling.
The floor is cold. He used to hate the cold but it’s fine now. The floor isn’t freezing or anything, just comfortably cold. When he lies on the cold floor he doesn’t have to remember the scorching touches, the burning gazes, the eyes filled with disgust.
His aunt and cousin play this silly game with him sometimes. Mo Ziyuan would take some of the things from his room and hide them. They’re so silly sometimes. It’s easier to think about the past than pay attention to their accusations and screams.
At some point, Mo Xuanyu had taken to wandering outside the village. He would always return home before it got dark. After all he can’t worry his mot-.
During one of these day trips, he had met a man who reminded him of himself. The man liked pretty things just like he did. He liked poetry and birds and fans and Mo Xuanyu was fascinated by him.
The man didn’t scorn him, he didn’t call Mo Xuanyu a lunatic and whenever he spent time with the man things seemed to make just a little more sense.
Oh.
He just made a friend didn’t he?
It makes him almost giddy inside to think that even after everything such a thing would happen. He lost everything. He is alone. Everyone hates him. He has nowhere else to go. Mo Xuanyu found someone to call his friend, even after blood, sweat, demonic cultivation, incest, death everything. It makes him happy, he even smiles. “You have a pretty smile” His new found friend simply smiled back, he could tell even with the fan hiding the bottom half of his face.
One day Mo Xuanyu has a nightmare. It was about-
Blood, so much blood, there was a body, a dismembered fierce corpse, Xue Yang, demonic cultivation, the golden tower, lies there are so many lies, hot, touches, screams, accusations
-something
He doesn’t actually remember telling his friend about it. Time blurred together again and the next thing he realises is that his friend is hugging him. He is being held like he’s important and precious and he sobs into the arms of his friend.
Mo Xuanyu doesn’t actually remember what he said to his friend.
It hurts, it hurts, A-Sang it hurts. Why did they do that? I need help. I’m so dirty. I think my crazy. Please I need help. I can’t do this. I’m disgusting. What day is it? I wanted to be pretty A-Sang. I’m crazy aren’t I? A-Sang? Was it wrong to trust him? What year is it? What happened? Why did he do that A-Sang? I don’t love him. They’re right, I’ve lost it. Why would my brother do that? I need help. Oh dear heavens I need help A-Sang. I am dirty and disgusting. I just wanted to be pretty. I don’t love my brother like that I swear!
“It’s ok. It’s alright. You did nothing wrong. I swear you weren’t wrong. I will do everything I can to help you I swear. We can work together, alright? We will find a way and we can get revenge and I will help you. You’re not dirty or disgusting and it’s ok to want to be pretty. I know you don’t, it’s ok. I promise you it will be fine”
Mo Xuanyu only remembers a promise.
When he spent time with his friend, time didn’t slip away. Things would get hazy and his memory a little weird, but time didn’t slip away like before.
They started talking about the demonic cultivation that he had been researching while at the Koi Tower and theorised about ways to do some things. It was fun to talk to someone about things that he knew. It also helped with making time not slip away. His friend helped him get books on some topics so he could do more research. It was fun, he realised at some point. He didn’t think that he’d actually find something he’d enjoy again.
It’s almost freeing. Things start making more sense, even when he’s mostly still thinking and in his head when he’s home. But he’s obviously more in control now! Every time he’s with his friend he doesn’t accidentally slip away any more!
“A-Sang, who do you want to bring back?”
Mo Xuanyu knows that he isn’t well. But his friend promised that everything will be fine so he trusts him! He helps his friend understand all of these complicated theory things and his friend does… something. He doesn’t really care, never really did as long as the people he cared about were fine.
But he has been wondering for a while who his friend wanted to bring back. He sometimes talks about the past and gets this very sad feeling. This must mean that whoever his friend wants to bring back is very important to him! And Mo Xuanyu wants to help his friend a little more than just in the research department.
“Ah. For our, my plan. I need the Wei Wuxian”
There is also that. His friend is always very stubborn in saying that he’s the only one responsible even though Mo Xuanyu is the one doing all this research into demonic cultivation! He doesn’t know why, because most would put the blame on others instead, but he things it’s nice of his friend to try and protect him.
“The Yiling Patriarch, you knew him?”
His friend hums positively. While he isn’t privy to most of the finer details of their plan, he can still see where and why they would need Wei Wuxian. The man was a very powerful cultivator and is the one who made demonic cultivation after all.
It makes him happy that his friend trusted him with this knowledge. To bring back the Yiling Patriarch… Mo Xuanyu will have to do a lot more research then.
He doesn’t-
But he does.
He knows what’s wrong.
He is tired.
A-Sang isn’t enough any more.
Only a friend isn’t enough any more.
He can’t-
He can’t do this any longer.
He can’t trick himself into being satisfied.
While combing through his memories. He hates doing that. Golden tower. Brother. Disgusting. Blood. Mirror. Head. Mo Xuanyu realised that he already knew the answer to getting the Yiling Patriarch back to the land of the living! But A-Sang would never approve of that, he would never want him to sacrifice himself.
But he wants to do it.
He can’t do this any more.
Mo Xuanyu hopes that A-Sang won’t miss him. He used to know Wei Wuxian right? He’s sure that he would be happy to have an old friend back!
The cut doesn’t even hurt. He’s happy, he realises, while preparing the ritual. So happy and cheerful even that he’s humming a melody his mother used to sing. He probably won’t be able to meet her again…
But that’s alright. He can help his friend.
Mo Xuanyu wonders if Wei Wuxian can deal with his family. They’ve never been that kind to him. Maybe a lesson from the Yiling Patriarch himself would fix everything?
His friend had something planned for that didn’t he?
Ah. What silly things he’s thinking now that he’s about to die.
It didn’t take long for Nie Huaisang to realise what had happened. He had spies everywhere, even in Mo Village. Well, saying that the Nie Sect Leader didn’t take long to realise what had happened would be a bit of an understatement.
Because he knew immediately what had happened.
Mo Xuanyu was supposed to meet up with him.
He was supposed to not do something stupid.
And now he is dead. His soul is gone. Wei Wuxian is back.
Nie Huaisang should be rejoicing, his plan is working out after all. It has all gone to plan except-
He knew that Mo Xuanyu wasn’t doing well. But he thought if Wei Wuxian came back he could also help with that. Not to mention that Mo Xuanyu was an important witness to all of the research into demonic cultivation that Jin Guangyao had done.
But saying that he only cared because he was down one witness would be a big fat lie.
The younger man had become something akin to a friend to him. So what if he wasn’t that well all of the time? Neither was Nie Huaisang.
He doesn’t care that in with the mess that Jin Guangyao, his father, trauma and the exposure to resentful energy has made Mo Xuanyu a little strange at times. Or the fact that it definitely messed with his mind or memory at least.
He was - dare he say it - a friend.
Someone that Nie Huaisang learned to trust. Something he hadn’t done in well over a decade.
So here he is, alone with a plan and a burning desire for revenge.
Da-ge wasn’t here any more. Mo Xuanyu wasn’t here either.
That was fine.
Nie Huaisang can just get revenge for the three of them now.