Work Text:
The Teapot's artificial sun shone down on them. It had been morning when Lumine approached him with her idea. She spent the better part of the day trying to explain her plan. Now, it was nearly noon. Itto did not catch on very quickly.
"Listen," she said. "You know I'm looking for my brother, right?"
"Yeah."
"He's always been overprotective. I think if I got quote-unquote married, he'd come running."
Itto blinked. "What does 'quote-unquote' mean?"
She palmed her forehead in annoyance. "Fake marry, Itto. That's where you come in. I want you to fake marry me."
"Oh, okay, I think I get the picture now. Well, I'm always up to help my compadres! But uh… why me? No wait, let me guess. Because I'm so handsome, right?"
"Frankly, I think you'd piss off Aether the most."
"Because I'm so awesome, right?"
"Sure. Why not. Anyways, Miko's agreed to act as our wedding priest. You just have to propose somewhere the Abyss Mages will see us. Can you do that?"
"Pfft, give me some credit, will you? I know how to prospect."
"Itto, prospect is for miners."
"Really? I didn't think kids could get married…"
Lumine sighed. What had she gotten herself into? Well, this still was her best option. Tartaglia would piss off Aether too, but if she asked him, he'd probably insist on a real marriage. Much as she liked the guy, she couldn't quite settle down with a man who tried killing her. Kind of a turnoff. Xiao would've been her first choice. Except, Xiao was an honorable man, unlikely to incur Aether's wrath.
Itto, on the other hand, would definitely get her brother's attention.
Assuming this crazy plan even worked.
Kujou Sara had been patrolling the streets when she heard the rumors. Apparently, that stupid Oni had been spotted on the Kannazuka shores. All the way out there? Undoubtedly, he was up to some mischief. With a sigh, she summoned her troops and hopped on a waverider and charted a course out to the island.
Honestly, she couldn't look away for two seconds without him causing her a headache. Last week it was the bathhouse roof caving in because his gang hopped on the roof. The week before, he set off fireworks in the square without permission which set the Sakura trees on fire. Itto was trouble. Whatever he was up to now, it couldn't be good.
She docked the waverider on the sands. Sara followed the road, bow in hand. Whatever this Oni had planned, she'd stop it before it even began. Emerging from the stone arch, she spotted him. He leaned on his club. Around him were Abyss Mages and hillichurls, lying unconscious. And there was someone else: Lumine. She stood by his side admiring their handiwork.
Great. If that Oni had wrapped the Traveler into his schemes, Sara would have to arrest her too. Not a prospect she particularly enjoyed.
Sara whispered to her troops, "Get in position. If I give the signal, attack."
The men scurried for cover. Sara crept behind a rocky outcrop.
Gradually, the Oni and his companion drew near. They strolled over a sea of Abyss Mages. He must've told her a joke because Lumine burst into laughter. Her golden hair nestled into the Oni's side. They walked, hand in hand. Sara wished she could warn the Traveler to steer clear of that Oni. He was nothing but trouble.
The pair suddenly stopped a few meters from Sara's hiding place. Had she been discovered? No, Lumine was glancing expectantly at her companion.
"Hey, you said you wanted to ask me something?"
"I did?" He frowned. Two long seconds passed before his eyes suddenly drew wide open. "Oh, right, right, right!"
He cleared his throat, suddenly taking on an expression Sara found rather gallant.
"Lumine. I really like being with you. So," he paused. The Oni reached into his pocket, got down on one knee, and proffered a little box to Lumine. It held a wedding ring. "Let's get married! What do you say?"
Lumine grinned. "Yeah! Let's do it!"
The soldiers who lay in hiding let out gasps. The Traveler and that troublemaker were in love! Here, they'd been expecting some sort of trouble. Instead, the best news of all: marriage!
For Sara, the world stopped. She couldn't breathe, much less formulate a thought. This wasn't real. That stupid Oni actually got a woman like Lumine? How? Itto slid the ring onto her finger and hoisted Lumine onto his shoulder.
"You hear that, world?!" He bellowed. "I'm totally marrying Lumine!"
Oh, Sara heard it alright. And something inside of her broke.
Sara ordered another round. She despised alcohol, but by the Archons, she needed it tonight. News had quickly spread among the troops. Gossip rang across the square, and it seemed no amount of intoxication could silence it.
Seriously, how had this happened? Why? It didn't make sense.
She sighed, sinking her chin to the table.
"Well, it's unusual to see you drinking," said a sly voice. Heizou plopped down beside her, grinning mischievously. She groaned. This was one headache she didn't need right now.
"Go away," she grumbled.
"Well, something's got you upset," he said, scratching his chin between his thumb and index finger. "Is it…?"
"One more word and I'm docking your pay."
That shut him up nicely. He raised both hands in a defensive gesture, as though saying no harm, no harm. Heizou asked the waiter for some saké. Sara gabbed her cup, downing the whole thing in one swig. No use. She still felt like crap.
"I just don't get it," she said. "Why is she marrying him?"
Heizou cocked his head, debating whether he ought to stay quiet and preserve his pay or speak up. He compromised with a shrug. The Tengu Warrior pounded her fist on the table.
"He must've blackmailed her or something. I should order the troops to investigate this matter right away."
"Ahem, with all due respect," Heizou said, "I'm on my break. Anyways, there's nothing to investigate, milady."
"Nothing?!" She rounded on him angrily. "Lumine is a hero to Teyvat! She could have anyone she wants. Why is she picking him? By the Archons, I've met statues smarter than him! What could she see in him?"
"Yes, love works in mysterious ways," said Heizou musingly.
He sipped his saké, letting out an appreciative hum that got on her nerves. That smug jerk probably thought this whole thing was amusing. Sara paced about, anxiously. Between the alcohol buzzing her brain and the laconic detective, she didn't know what upset her more.
Sara regarded her saké. For some reason, she was hurting. All the sake in the world didn't help.
"I hate this," she said. "Itto shouldn't be with Lumine. He can't be…"
Heizou lowered his cup. "You're awfully worked up about this. Have you considered that maybe you're…jealous?"
"No, why would I be?" she snapped.
"Most people get jealous seeing their crush with someone else."
"Excuse me?," she sputtered. "Are you seriously suggesting I have feelings for that moron?!"
"You said it, not me," he replied. "Consider your choice of words. 'Itto shouldn't be with Lumine.' Why did you say that?"
"Because he's a criminal and she's a hero."
"Ah, but then you ought to say 'Lumine shouldn't be with Itto.' You said 'Itto shouldn't be with Lumine.' Sounds like you have someone else in mind he should be with. And if you don't act soon, you'll miss your chance."
Sara snorted. "Preposterous. I'm done with this conversation."
She slapped some mora on the counter, paying off her tab. Sara departed for the doors when Heizou's voice caught her short.
"The ceremony's in a few hours at Grand Narakumi Shrine. Just thought you might like to know."
He smiled innocently. Sara stomped out of the bar and stumbled home.
Immediately, she fell onto her futon. The nerve of Heizou! To actually suggest she had feelings for that Oni? No, she was the Raiden Shogun's general. She'd fought and killed for her archon. Love was the last thing on her mind. Especially from that petulant, childish Oni who always wrote her letters demanding a rematch, who always cost her no shortage of troubles. Who invited her to his drum festival and the beetle battle brawl. Who actually called her by her name instead of general or my liege.
She hated him. She hated that stupid, loudmouthed, strong, brave, kind Oni. That Oni with a smile that lit up the world. That Oni who all the kids adored. That Oni who'd been the closest thing she ever had to a friend.
Bow in hand, she sprinted towards the Narukami Shrine, hoping she wasn't too late.
It was a small procession. A few shrine maidens and Paimon acted as bridesmaids. Ayaka and Ayato were present in the front, along with Yoimiya and her dad. Kokomi had ventured all the way from Watatsumi with her general Gorou just for the occasion.
The Arataki gang and Shinobu got front row seats. All the kids who Itto played with showed up, and the Electro Archon herself walked Lumine down the aisle. They all knew this was a farce, of course. Each of them planned to play their part perfectly.
Lumine stood beside the Oni, anxiously glancing around the shrine. Any second now, her brother might pop up and object. She waited, holding her breath, nodding along while Yae Miko presided over the ceremony. Itto squirmed, uncomfortable in his tuxedo.
Yae Miko spoke, "What is love? Some call it a fleeting emotion, one that fades with time. My friends, this couldn't be further from the truth. Love is eternity. A promise that unites two souls for all time. Love, is what I see before me now."
Shinobu tried very, very hard not to roll her eyes. Yae Miko was laying it on a bit thick for her liking. Still, it had the desired effect. Akira and Mamoru cried, and Genta hugged Ushi, doing his best to keep himself under control. They knew this was fake, but even they were moved.
"Arataki Itto," said Miko. "Do you take Lumine to be your lawfully wedded wife? For better and for worse. Till death do you part?"
"Absolutamundo," he said.
Ayato stifled a snicker. Itto was probably the only man who responded to a marriage vow like that.
"And Lumine," continued Miko. "Do you take Arataki Itto to be your lawfully wedded husband? For better and for worse. Till death do you part?"
"I do," she replied.
Miko took Itto's hand and placed it into Lumine's. The shrine maiden wrapped a length of twine around those hands.
"With this, I bind you. Soul for soul, you walk together in eternity. Now, should anyone have a reason why these two souls should not be joined in union, speak now or forever—"
"I OBJECT!"
Everyone turned to see the half-drunk Tengu warrior stride across the altar, carving a warpath straight towards Itto. Nobody knew what to do. They were shocked. Was this part of the plan too? They didn't know.
Sara jabbed the edge of her bow at him. "You…you got a lot of nerve, buster."
Itto stared between the bow and general. He genuinely had no idea what he was supposed to do. Miko told him everything he had to say but she certainly didn't prepare him for a wedding crasher. He glanced at Lumine questioningly, and found she was just as confused as him.
"And you…" Sara slurred, shifting her ire on the blonde traveler. "You're the worst…stealing my man like this…you, harlot!"
"Wait, what?" said Lumine.
"Oh, don't think I'm not onto you. This stupid Oni is mine, got it! Mine! You can't have him! I'll fight you for him. In fact, I challenge you to duel right now!"
Ei cleared her throat. "Um, General Sara?"
"Your excellency, please bear witness to my duel. I… I love Itto and I'm fighting for his hand!"
"Wait, what?" said Itto.
"That's right," said Sara. "Whoever wins gets to marry this idiot. That's fair under the law of Inazuma!"
"General Sara!" said Ei more loudly. "This isn't a real wedding."
"Wait, what?" said Sara.
"It's a fake wedding. Itto isn't really marrying Lumine. It's just a ruse."
Sara blinked. "Oh. Oh, I see. So…this whole thing is fake?"
Everyone in attendance nodded. They all stared at her, the only person not in on the ruse. Sara promptly fainted.
Sara woke up on a futon in the shrine. Her head rung like crazy.
"Yo," said a voice. Itto sat on a stool beside her, still wearing that slick tuxedo.
Bit by bit, everything came back to her. She'd just interrupted a wedding, challenged the bride to a duel, and made an utter fool of herself before the Kamisato Clan and her own Archon. Worse still, she said all that crap in front of him. Oh gods. Sara wished she had a dagger to slit her throat with.
Sara buried her face in the pillow. He'd never let her live this one down. Never. She had assassinated every shred of dignity and respect that she'd spent a lifetime accruing.
"That uh, was really something," he said. "I guess we should've told you. Lumine thought if she got married, her bro would show up. So, she asked me to quote-unquote marry her."
"I see," she managed. "Then, please excuse my behavior. I was drunk."
Sara hoped he'd just go away. Couldn't he tell she was dying of embarrassment?
"If you're here to gloat, then just leave me."
Itto leaned over, clasping her hands in his. Once more, he took on a gallant expression.
"Sara, I didn't know you cared about me so much. I should've thought about you before I agreed to help Lumine. Sorry."
"I'm sorry too. For crashing your 'wedding.' I guess the reception's cancelled."
"About that," Itto lifted a sheet of paper. "Miko told me to read you this when you woke up. Ahem. 'You challenged Lumine to a duel for Itto's hand in marriage. Lumine refused the challenge, therefore conceding to you. Congratulations. You're married.'"
"Huh?!"
"Hold on, there's more. 'As you made this challenge before the Shogun and the Clans, this union is binding. Get dressed and get out here this instant.' Yeah, that's it."
"This can't be real," she muttered. But it was. The law of her nation demanded it be so. She was now wed to this stupid Oni. This loudmouth, childish man who looked so dashing in his suit.
Once more, Yae Miko wrapped the twine around their hands, joining them in union. Sara's hand was so small next to Itto's.
"With this, I bind you. Soul for soul, you walk together in eternity. Now, should anyone have a reason why these two souls should not be joined in union, speak now or forever, hold your peace."
The shrine was silent. Aside from the Arataki gang, who were crying joyfully for their boss.
"Well, then, barring any other interruptions. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."
Itto leaned down, but it was Sara who rushed in to kiss him. She knew what she wanted. Why act otherwise? She tongue-kissed that stupid Oni so every woman present saw this man belonged to her.
Applause rang out across the shrine, loudest among the Arataki gang. This wasn't exactly the wedding they had planned, but nobody cared. Honestly, this was better.
Beneath the shadows of a tree, a cloaked figure spied on the ceremony. He'd been there from the start, watching every moment with icy hostility. The second that stupid man child tried kissing Lumine, he was going to gut him then and there. Thankfully, it was all just a ruse. Thank goodness. He opened a portal to leave.
"Not yet, Lumine," he said. "We still have time."
Aether paused. He regarded that stupid Oni with a snort. "But seriously, Lumine? That guy? Even for a fake marriage, you could do better than him."