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There was no reason for him to take you back so easily. Do you really think that a few sorrys and sniffles would be enough to get you back in his good graces?
He's a good person. And a better friend than I deserve.
I'll say. I mean really, what normal person would look at someone who abandoned them for weeks on end and forgive them without a second thought? He only accepted your apology out of pity.
Twelve years isn't nothing. He's not shallow enough throw that away as quickly as I did.
He should really raise his standards.
Maybe... He could certainly do a hell of a lot better than me.
The only reason he doesn't is because he feels obligated to keep you along for the ride. Twelve years is a long time to convince someone that table scraps are the best they can get.
You can't mean to say I tricked him into being my friend.
No no, he's too smart for that. He's just too kind for his own good, doling out friendship to bottomfeeders like you that can't make their own friends. You're a sob story to him. You don't deserve the selflessness he has to offer.
He's a better judge of character than that.
Then why are you here?
So, wait, is he too smart to let himself be tricked into friendship or did he misjudge me?
He's blinded by years of bias. He took you back because you're pathetic and familiar, not because you're worthy of such grace and kindness. He's too good for you and he always has been.
Surely I wasn't so bad to him that he wouldn't have stayed by me for twelve years.
You know how quick you were to willingly block him. You hesitated for what, a few minutes?
I...
Do you really think Michael would've been that cruel had the roles been reversed?
Michael... he wouldn't have even gotten a SQUIP in the first place.
Exactly.
"Can't sleep?"
Jeremy sighed and rolled onto his back, opening his eyes to the dark bedroom lit by a color-shifting nightlight in the corner. He didn't know how long he'd been tossing and turning before Michael finally poked his shoulder, and he was pretty sure he didn't want to know. It made little difference since it was the weekend, sure, but still. "Sorry for waking you."
"I wasn't really asleep."
"Sorry for making it hard for you to get to sleep."
Michael turned over to fully face Jeremy, the room shifting from green to teal. "I'm a little more concerned with what's keeping you up. Anything in particular?"
Jeremy watched the ceiling turn turquoise. He couldn't burden Michael with the plagues of his mind. Not after how long it'd been since they'd last shared a space like this. He couldn't dump that on him after the marathon of a conversation they'd had in the basement, on their first sleepover in months no less.
But if neither of them were going to get any sleep over it anyway, better to at least get it out instead of stalling. "Just... lots of back and forth in my head. Can't make all the noise and arguing go away no matter how hard I try. There's always just... something else. Some other argument to be made."
Jeremy had been no stranger to an overactive mind before the SQUIP, something that it was blissfully able to shut down in order to give him the normal sleep schedule he so desperately needed. But ever since its deactivation, it was worse than ever. Not just from the chemical composition of his brain no longer being altered and fine tuned, but from not truly being able to know if it was only his own voice anymore.
This was something that apparently, Michael was also afraid of, despite not being the one that had to live it. "Arguing as in, with yourself or...?"
The thing was, the SQUIP had been preaching to the choir whenever it tore Jeremy down. Told him everything about him was terrible, pointed out his each and every flaw, even pointed out things about himself that he never would've noticed otherwise. Whether it was the SQUIP's voice or his own made little difference beyond the underlying fear that the AI wasn't actually gone and could come back at full force at any time.
So really, even if it was fully deactivated, it would never be truly gone.
"I-" Jeremy let out a strained sigh, turning to face the wall. "I don't know. I don't know if it's actually the SQUIP or if it's just my brain being a dick. Probably my brain, but... I guess I can never be sure."
For all of Jeremy's baseless fears at times, he was also frustratingly logical. He could know rationally that one explanation was more likely than the other, but would get caught up in the not-too-far off chance that the other was the one that would actually be true. And having justified fears was much worse than having unjustified ones. Because he couldn't just write them off and often talked himself in circles to the point of spiraling.
"Well, your body hasn't hijacked you out of the room," Michael tried hopefully, "so the SQUIP probably doesn't have that kind of power over you anymore even if it is still kicking, right?"
"Unless that's what it wants me to think," Jeremy mumbled, rubbing the fabric of the blankets between his fingers. "Or maybe all this psychological warfare is self-inflicted. I still lose whether it's still active or not. Guess that's what you get when you meddle with can't-even-look-it-up-on-the-internet shit hoping it'll get a girl to like you."
And between being a teenager trying to figure out who she is and nearly living through the computer uprising, that girl needed time on her own before she could even consider getting into a relationship. Jeremy held no contempt for her, but to go through all the trouble and not even get the one thing he had tunnel vision over was an extra slap to the face that, while deserved, solidified that there was no good reason for him to have ever gotten the SQUIP. He wasn't even confident enough to say it was a net positive because he got more friends out of it, not with all the destruction and pain that was brought to their lives as well.
Michael was quiet for a moment. There was no real way to read what it meant without looking at him, even if the darkness would betray whatever he could glean anyway. "Was it really all for Christine?"
Jeremy pulled his knees up, curling further in on himself. "I mean... no. Being something other than a loser was pretty appealing too. I just... fuck, at your expense?? How are you not furious at me for shucking twelve years to the side like it meant nothing?"
Michael had seemed pretty upset during Halloween, sure. And he'd wrenched an apology out of Jeremy at about the least convenient time possible during The Play. But even in the hospital when there wasn't another set of hands at the wheel for Jeremy to fight, Michael just squeezed him in a hug and assured him 'it's alright. I'm glad you're ok. Thanks for not forgetting me.' To be rushed into a sleepover at the first possible weekend was all Jeremy really wanted, but for Michael to also want it felt... wrong.
"I mean, yeah, it hurt," Michael ventured carefully. "But you mean more to me than a mistake you made out of desperation to feel like you meant something. You said yourself that it wasn't anything against me."
(Rich's mindless words were deadened by quickening footsteps squeaking in the hall that clapped to a halt as soon as he looked past Jeremy's shoulder.
"Oh hey, we were just talkin' aboutcha, Headphones." He notably covered his lisp up after several minutes of not bothering.
Jeremy turned around and froze when he saw Michael in the doorway, his friend's expression difficult to read beyond the wide eyes to match his own. "Jer?"
To hear the nickname from his mouth after so long was..."Micha-?"
Michael wasted no time clearing the distance and capturing him in a hug that Jeremy truly didn't know how much he needed until now. He was quick to return it, despite thinking for a split second that Michael was coming over to hit him for being the biggest dickhead ever.
"Don't fucking scare me like that," Michael sighed into Jeremy's shoulder. "I know it's every teenager's dream to sleep for a week, but not-... not after that..."
Jeremy put little effort into resisting the tears gathering in his eyes, squeezing Michael harder. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry for everything. Please, it's not because you did anything wrong. I was just a selfish prick that wanted-" his voice broke into a sob. "I'm so fucking sorry...")
"No one would've blamed you for wanting to wait awhile before taking me back." Jeremy stared at the shadows on the blue-lit wall. He hated that he couldn't even face Michael right now. "You can't tell me that isolation wasn't painful. Don't I deserve a taste of my own medicine?"
"What, and deny myself the time with you that I desperately wanted back?" Something almost akin to hurt tinged Michael's purple-bathed words. "That would've just sucked for both of us."
"But surely I need to do more to prove that I'm worthy of coming into your home again. That the SQUIP really was the worst decision of my life and I'd pick you over it from now until the end of time." Jeremy gripped at the magenta blankets curled in front of him, throat tightening. "Can you really just take my word on that? How can you be so quick to let me back into your life when I pushed you out of mine for over two months?"
Magenta faded into red, shadows on the wall darkening. Silencing the room. Shutting down any idea that Jeremy had truly done anything to earn the forgiveness that Michael so selflessly gave to him. Blinded by his own kindness and not realizing that he didn't need to accept Jeremy as quickly as he did. Shouldn't have accepted Jeremy as quickly as he did, if at all.
"Well..." Michael murmured softly. "You're here now, aren't you?"
Something in Jeremy's chest twisted in knots as red bled past orange into yellow.
"You... don't want to keep me out of your life, or else you wouldn't've agreed to come over."
Lime green.
"You've spilled more than enough tears and apologies to prove that... you're just as much my friend now as you were before the SQUIP."
Green.
"And, sure, I was pissed at you for a good chuck of those two months. But... I think part of that's because being angry seemed easier than being miserable. I never..."
Michael paused. Teal.
"I don't think I could've committed to never wanting to see you again if I tried."
A soft laugh colored his tone. Turquoise. "Hell, you couldn't even do it with technological intervention."
Jeremy still didn't know why the SQUIP let him see Michael in the end. If it was intentional or some kind of fatal oversight. But the way it puppeteered him to fight Michael made it all feel like a sick show that he was forced to act in. Disgustingly fitting for a Play.
Blue.
"Plus, you bounced back to wanting to see me again like, the second you didn't have a computer fucking with your head. So no, I don't think you deserve to be in the doghouse. I'd go as far as to say the SQUIP was the doghouse for you."
Purple. He didn't know the half of it.
"Just... don't pull away because you feel like it's what I should want. It's not."
A hand went onto Jeremy's shoulder, a tender weight that he'd nearly forgetten the sheer warmth of. Magenta.
"And I know it's not what you want either. So please don't pretend that it's something you need to do."
The hot tears bubbling under Jeremy's eyes finally slipped through the cracks and burned at his face. He flipped over with quivering breaths and pulled himself into Michael's waiting arms, sniffling and openly weeping against him. Michael wasted no time burying a hand in Jeremy's hair and massaging at his scalp. He'd lost count of how many times they'd gone through this song and dance, never considering until now that they may never have shared it again if not for Michael coming to The Play with the very elixir that would silence the maniacal voice in his head.
Jeremy sniffled, clutching at Michael's shirt. "What did I do to deserve you?"
"Why do you think you need to deserve me?" Michael whispered without an inkling of hesitation.
Jeremy couldn't answer beyond a shaky breath. Couldn't recite every mistake he'd ever made knowing that Michael wouldn't care. Wouldn't give a second thought to the extensive list of flaws Jeremy could provide, whether they be truly significant or not. Michael would take him in every time. And it scared Jeremy that even after almost causing a technological uprising, Michael was still holding him like he was something to be protected. Like he hadn't been a few drops of ancient soda away from destroying all of human civilization. How anyone, let alone Michael could let something like that slip by was so far beyond Jeremy that he wondered if having such advanced tech in his head caused him to be the only one to truly understand the weight of such ignorance.
No, he couldn't call Michael ignorant. Not when he'd tracked down and provided the key to his mental shackles when the odds were stacked so heavily against him. It was because of Michael's persistence to learn more that Jeremy was even here, back with his favorite person after he'd been little more than a faint memory before Halloween. Before he was allowed to remember. Before he'd inadvertently slipped from his chains and made about the worst mistake on his life-long list.
"B'sides," Michael pulled back just enough to look into Jeremy's swimming eyes, thumb sliding over the tears that slicked his face with all the expertise of a professional skier effortlessly gliding across the ice. "With your history, I'd say the universe owed you one."
Jeremy cringed to hear his own words twisted back at him in such a way. "Gods, I was a dick for that."
"No- well ok, a little," Michael admitted, "but you weren't exactly wrong. You do deserve better than the hand you were dealt."
Jeremy frowned. "Even after trying to cheat?"
"With the way it blew up in your face? Yeah, especially after that."
Michael pressed his forehead against Jeremy’s, their noses brushing. "Seeing the lengths you were willing to go to just to feel like you had a chance out there..." he let out a somber breath against Jeremy’s trembling lips. "I'm sorry I didn't do enough to show you how much you matter to me."
Jeremy shook his head. "Don't do that. Don't pretend that it's your fault I nearly chose a hivemind over the one person that stood by me no matter what."
"Nearly."
"I should've read the fine print," he mumbled.
"Jeremy, I was one bizarre pep talk away from letting your parasitic brain chip take over the school or the world or whatever." Michael brushed the stray hairs out of Jeremy's face, his voice strained. "What kind of proof is that that you mean the world to me?"
"You tried to warn me on Halloween and I didn't listen! Against the threat of losing my sanity, I accused you of being jealous of me!"
"I didn't exactly do a great job at convincing you otherwise," Michael murmured.
Jeremy couldn't stand to hear Michael try and take the blame for something he had absolutely no hand in causing. "You've done nothing but stand by me even when I'm at my worst! That's proof enough of your loyalty to someone that's only ever given you diminishing returns. Please just swallow up your heart of gold and admit that I wasn't good enough to you!"
Michael's lips were on Jeremy's before he could process the distance between them disappearing. He clutched Michael's shirt harder, too scared to truly chase the sensation but not wanting it to end either. Ever a coward and user. Jeremy didn't know why Michael wasted so much energy on him. He also didn't know why it took him this long to go to this level when it was increasingly clear that he'd wanted to for... some amount of time.
Michael parted before much longer. "You first."
Jeremy blinked up at him, wide eyes searching for... something. He didn't know what. He'd never find insincerity: he'd been way off the one time he tried. Malice? How dare he suggest such a thing when this was the setting.
He quickly gave up the search and gathered the strength to kiss Michael back, bringing a hand to his face and brushing his thumb over his cheek. If it was truly what he wanted, Jeremy would be remiss to deny him of it.
Michael somehow pulled Jeremy closer. He always found a way to do it. Despite how impossible it seemed at times. Even when they were kept apart by an AI that prevented Jeremy from seeing him, Michael found a way to pull him back in. And even with Jeremy's initial protests, self-destructive as they always were, he accepted and embraced the pull once he knew how much he needed it.
While it was far from the first time that they were entangled with one another in Michael's bed, it was the first time that they found the courage to kiss one another. With soft touches and quiet sighs and silent assurances that they weren't going to leave the other for any reason. There wasn't much expertise to be seen between the two of them, but it didn't really matter. Not when they'd been craving as little as the other's company for a long as they had.
Several minutes passed before Jeremy let out a whisper against Michael's lips. "What does this mean for us?"
Michael's fingers continued to twirl around Jeremy's hair. "Can we decide in the morning?"
Jeremy gave a small nod, nestling into the crook of Michael's neck, fingertips drawing feather-light lines on Michael's back. Michael's arms closed around Jeremy's waist in a snug embrace and a promise to not let him slip away again.